OK, I'm trying to be constructive this time, but I still need advice...

[JerryTaker]

So how do I change? How do I stop thinking about women and try to be content by myself? I have a ton of hobbies, I go out every weekend to bars and clubs. I get drunk, I've tried getting stoned, but that doesn't seem to work.

It just seems like every night when I go to bed, I just feel really lonely. Women see me as desperate, they tell me I don't like "them," just the Idea of being "with someone..."

I really want to change, and not be so miserable, but I don't know how to stop the thoughts that race around my head. Am I just doomed? Should I give up on ever meeting anyone?

I'm also trying to come to tems with the Idea that my ex from last year was the only woman I'll ever be able to love, and because of my mantality, I wasn't good enough for her, and she threw me away.... and I'm really convinced that was my last shot at happiness....

So what should I do?Besides "stop whining," that's actually easy, but it leaves me torn up inside, because I really need some advice on just "how" I need to change, because I'm just stupid, and I have no clue how these things work....

...thanks for listening....

Thanks to Hosp for the Idea:
<IMG SRC="http://afs30.njit.edu/~gsm2321/sigpic2a.GIF">
"Who do you trust when everyone's a crook?"

[Aggie]

First of all, I love the Eeyore. He's my favorite. I sleep with an Eeyore stuffed animal. <P>
Ok, this is a hard one to reply to because everyone has to deal with things their own way and I don't know much about you. I've gone through a similar thing the past 6 months or so when my ex broke up with me. I felt like it was because of me and I had never pictured myself being with or marrying anyone else. Needless to say I was a mess for awhile, but I could not stop the racing thoughts at night and I had trouble sleeping. For me it was all about taking control of my emotions. <P>
If you think about it, we have a choice of how to react to everything in our lives. We have to be proactive people, not reactive. For example, if someone cuts you off in traffic, that can piss you off and ruin your whole day whereas the person who cut you off didn't think twice about it and went on about thier business. You can't let the actions of others dictate your mood. So, what you need to decide is how you can change your mood when you start getting down. It will probably take awhile, but if you make it a habit it will probably help. <P>
When you start having thoughts of not being good enough and feeling lonely etc., you have to stop and do something right then about it. I would take a deep breath, and start thinking about how much I'm learning by going through this and how I need to make the most of this new situation because I could miss out on something even better. I would have to consciously make myself smile and I found when I was paying attention to others it made me happier that I could do something for them. <P>
I don't know if this makes any sense to you, but the first step to change is realizing you have to and you have to slowly change your habits or way of thinking. I think it's something that needs to be addressed daily, and most likely by stopping when you are having a bad or nagative thought, and find the positive in it. I don't know how old you are, but you WILL love someone again and they will love you. Don't give up, everyone feels lonely at night sometimes. I hope I could help in some way! <P>

[Christy]

Sweetie, we can hang out! I'll make you laugh! We don't need drugs or alcohol to have fun! And I mean that in a non-sexual way! LOL Sorry!

You are a great guy ... you are a very attractive man, sensiitive, sweet, smart, funny ... should I stop? LOL

Okay ... now it's time to compliment me! LOL J/K

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[CYYYFYYY]

First off getting drunk and doing drugs is not a
hobbie. I don;t want to sound like a square but do
you kow how much money you would save if you
did not do those things. Second off the are not
constructive one bit.

Did you ever think about writing or painting or
playing a guitar........


David the Franchize
Everyone Loves CYYYFYYY
My name is CYYYFYYY and I like Ping Pong

[Gmann]

want some friggin advice? Get
yourself a rope, stand on a stool,
put the rope around your neck,
fall off the fucking stool.......nufff
said


In a world of lies it is the man who tells the truth who must be silenced!

[IRISjr]

Christy Don't bull rush him, thats not constructive.
Good luck Jerry :P

<center><img src="http://members.aol.com/rundog2001/myhomepage/irisjr-new.gif?mtbrand=AOL_US"></center>

<marquee>IRIS loves ya</marquee><font>
<font color "blue"><marquee>but IRIS jr probably doesn't</marquee></FONT>

<marquee>Monkeys in Suits Rule!!!
</marquee></FONT> </BODY>

[JerryTaker]

Did you ever think about writing or painting or
playing a guitar........

I'm not creative enough to write. I do the other things... It's not enough somehow...

and I don't try to get stoned very often at all, I drink whenever I can though, I'm setting myself up a bit of a bar at home...

Thanks to Hosp for the Idea:
<IMG SRC="http://afs30.njit.edu/~gsm2321/sigpic2a.GIF">
"Who do you trust when everyone's a crook?"

[Jennitalia]

CYYY is right. I'm all for a good time, but drinking and / or doing drugs isnt going to help you feel better about yourself or help you out meeting people. Alcohol is a depressant, you're only asking for trouble if you're going to turn to alcohol as a means of being more social and outgoing. and chances are youll more than anything make an ass out of yourself by doing something or saying something stupid, and the next day youll just feel worse about it.
aggie gave great advice...so did gmann :)


<IMG SRC="http://www.chaoticconcepts.com/bans/jensig.gif">

[Tazz]

Here's my advice: Quit your constant bitching, and do something to change your situation. I have had my problems in the past, but I went and talked to someone, and now I am the happiest I have ever been. If you spent more time fixing it, and less time bitching to people that really don't give a shit, maybe things will change for the better. But until you decide to actually change things, may I suggest that you just shut the fuck up. Thank you.

P.S. While hanging yourself may be easy, it can be traumatic for the person who finds you. I suggest sleeping pills and whiskey. The cleanup is easier, and it won't be quite as tramautic. Give it a thought, its easier than constantly complaining.

<img src=http://tazz1376.homestead.com/files/homersig.gif>

[Gmann]

seriously dude...life stinks...NOBODY HAS A TOTALLY HAPPY LIFE! Get the FUCK over it! Grow some goddam hair on your sack and be a fucking man and move on! Everyone has problems....difference is nobody is that much of a fucking loser to CONSTANTLY POST about their friggin problems! Every fucking day ...Jesus Christ...

The only true advice I have for you is : SUCK IT UP AND BE A MAN! DEAL WITH FUCKING LIFE..SHIT HAPPENS..YOU ADAPT...YOU MOVE ON!!!
nuff fucking said!

In a world of lies it is the man who tells the truth who must be silenced!

[HordeKing1]

FIRSTLY - I'm very troubled by the critisism and lack of compassion demonstrated by a few posters here. If you don't have anything constructive to say, don't say anything.

JERRY - You've got a lot of things going on here that seem overwhelming. I'm going to discuss your post point by point b/c I feel that's the best way to address it and if you have questions about one thing or another you can refer to it in a future post.

1. You want to change and you tie this desire into not thinking about women. You immediately say that you'd like to be "content by yourself." That sentiment is something that many people don't undertand. Every person has to be happy by and for themselves. It is impossible for another person, even if they're your bf or gf, hubby, or wife to make you happy. Very often people look for that special someone to make them happy, when that is not the role or function in a relationship. 2 complete and happy people prior to meeting will have an infinitely better, more mature and healthier relationship than people looking for another to make them happy.

2. You state that you have a tons of hobbies. That's really great and important. Part of who we are is expressed by the hobbies we choose and in some ways the hobbies define us to a much greater extent than does a job or title. Being CEO of IBM is still just a job. But a hobby is something you choose to do yourself and like to do b/c you chose it yourself. Keep involved with your various hobbies. It's a great way to relax and burn off anger, and also, it provides an opportunity to meet people with whom you share a common interest.

3. Drugs and alchohol - There is nothing wrong with a drink now and then and althought I don't approve of non-perscription drugs, a person who smokes pot every once is in much better shape than those who smoke tobacco. Now having said that, turning to drug and alchohol to escape your problems sets off all kinds of alarms and warnings This behavior is dangerous and self-destructive. I urge you to stop drinking and using drugs and instead concentrate on dealing with your issues instead of hiding from them.

4. Jerry, there are many lonely people in the world. It's sad that you feel it particularly strongly when you go to bed, as there are less distractions then and it's easier to dwell on the loneliness. The first step to overcoming loneliness isn't finding a gf (or bf, etc) but to be happy with yourself as a person.

5. You wrote that women tell you they sense you're more interested in being with someone than the actual relationship. It's painful to consider that this might be true. I'm sure you've heard the expression "in love with being in love." This is not uncommon at your age. Once again, if you are happy with yourself as a peron and are self-suffcient this "vibe" people sense will dissapear.

6. You are neither doomed nor fated to live a solitary life. You're going through a normal developmental stage, and you're just having a very hard time of it. It sounds weird, but in psychology, some crises are normal and result in something called prime adaptive qualities.

7. You wrote that you're coming to terms with the idea that your ex will be the only woman you'll ever love. This too is not unusual, and the feeling will pass with time. Also, you seem to focus on yourself as the reason for your breakup; somehow you weren't "good enough." People break up for all sorts of reasons most of them not having anything to do w/being "good enough." And you haven't seemed to consider that the problem lay with her not with you. You assumed the single scenerio that put you in the worst possible light. Try to picture the situation as being no one's "fault" or at least not your fault.

8. Contrary to other posters suggestions, you are not whining. You're expressing your feelings, and that's a very positive things that everyone should strive for. Would you feel any better keeping all your feelings bottled up inside you? Of course not.

9. Working on your self image and