They're being individually hand-crafted by supple virgin Somalian boys named Tong, each handpicked by Fez himself. Though the boys are easily replaceable due to an obscenely high birth rate in this impoverished country, and working them to death is actually a bonus (when one of starving young lads keels over, the collapsed body is used as a stool for the next eager worker), the production rate is slowed significantly due to the on-site fatality rate (due to malaria, AIDS, or spontaneous combustion), giving the workers an average life-expectancy of 7 minutes.
Combine this with the materials used to craft the card itself and it makes for at least a two week production process. Each card requires the death of no less than three elephants, for, according to Ron, the ivory of their tusks, when ground into a powder and snorted, gives one the power of flight.
The powder is sprinkled liberally over a 6'x6' cube of marble, which is then chiseled down into a 3"x2" card by a blind Etruscan midget sculpture, who requires two powder boys present at all times to keep him from chafing (with tiny midget legs being so plump, the genitals swing freely, rubbing against the legs and causing much chafing, one more hardship for the already tortured lilliput.
Once the card is completed, a calligrapher illuminates the card in the elaborate script of a Byzantine monk using the blood of a freshly murdered newborn girl (Ron, who obviously has taken great interest in the project, as opposed to Fez, who spends his off-show time mainly around various types of pie, oversees the murder of each child, making sure their head is lovingly smashed against a rock by their mother, after she has recovered from the labor, of course. He isn't inhuman.)
Finally, the whole thing is laminated with fresh bull semen (the only part of the process overseen by Fez) and then hand-delivered by a man in a Russian Dancing Bear Costume.
I hope this clarifies the lengthy wait for the Big ASS Card. Thank you.
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This message was edited by Pootertoot on 5-23-01 @ 2:42 PM