Tenbatsuzen
09-12-2002, 02:21 PM
Bear with me. The asshole side of my personality is going to start coming out in this post, but I'm trying to give myself self-therapy, and perhaps talking about is the best way.
For a long time, I always idealized the perfect form, even though I myself wasn't perfect. Being so heavy, I was far from it. I wanted to work in entertainment, so I idolized celebrities with their perfect bodies and perfect faces.
In fact, when I was heavy, I was the happiest man on the face of the planet if a girl said hi to me, let alone gave me her phone number or even went out with me.
Then I lost the weight, and started dating like a madman.
The problem was... I turned into Chandler Bing.
You see, if something struck me wrong about a woman, whether it was the tiniest thing physically or mentally, in my mind, I'd harp on it and harp on it until I rationalized enough as a reason to break up with them. (And if I wasn't dating them exclusively, it was an "out" to stop talking to them)
I've started to realize over the last month that I'm really really shallow because I'm always so concerned about what other people would think....
instead of saying to myself, "fuck that, I'm happy."
I guess this goes back to last summer... I was at a bar, and I saw a guy and a girl... the guy was overweight by about 50-60 lbs, but the girl was really really hot. It wasn't like the guy had money, and he wasn't even that good looking, and I said to myself, "Why are those two together?"
I guess that, in my mind, made me wonder what other people would think if I wasn't with someone of equal "hotness" instead of someone who made me happy.
Going back to when I was heavy, I knew a girl who fucked with my heart. We hadn't seen each other for a few years, and when we ran back into each other, I could tell by the look on her face and what her friends told me that she wanted me.
But I felt at that point I was too good for her; and I turned on my super-asshole smarminess and really dug into her that after what she did and what I look like now, she will NEVER EVER HAVE ME.
Welcome to my twisted mind.
The thing was... what goes around, comes around.
And the EXACT SAME THING happened to me three weeks ago. Girl I knew, I dumped her, she shows up, she looks really good, and she wants nothing to do with me.
That's when I first realized I had a major major major problem.
I've been doing a lot of self-analysis.
And I realized there's someone who makes me happy. She's not perfect.
But then again, I realized.. neither am I.
The question is, whether we are perfect for each other.
My mind was made up when I got my mail today. I came across a package that this girl had sent me.
She knew I had been upset about some personal stuff in my life, so she sent me some things to make me smile... little things that she knows I like, and I realized - she knows the little things.... like sour patch kids and diet pepsi and Joe Namath and hockey jerseys.
So I think I'm gonna see about a girl.
...thanks for reading.
and apologies to damon/affleck
<img src="http://tenbatsuzen.homestead.com/files/tilliesig.jpg">
For a long time, I always idealized the perfect form, even though I myself wasn't perfect. Being so heavy, I was far from it. I wanted to work in entertainment, so I idolized celebrities with their perfect bodies and perfect faces.
In fact, when I was heavy, I was the happiest man on the face of the planet if a girl said hi to me, let alone gave me her phone number or even went out with me.
Then I lost the weight, and started dating like a madman.
The problem was... I turned into Chandler Bing.
You see, if something struck me wrong about a woman, whether it was the tiniest thing physically or mentally, in my mind, I'd harp on it and harp on it until I rationalized enough as a reason to break up with them. (And if I wasn't dating them exclusively, it was an "out" to stop talking to them)
I've started to realize over the last month that I'm really really shallow because I'm always so concerned about what other people would think....
instead of saying to myself, "fuck that, I'm happy."
I guess this goes back to last summer... I was at a bar, and I saw a guy and a girl... the guy was overweight by about 50-60 lbs, but the girl was really really hot. It wasn't like the guy had money, and he wasn't even that good looking, and I said to myself, "Why are those two together?"
I guess that, in my mind, made me wonder what other people would think if I wasn't with someone of equal "hotness" instead of someone who made me happy.
Going back to when I was heavy, I knew a girl who fucked with my heart. We hadn't seen each other for a few years, and when we ran back into each other, I could tell by the look on her face and what her friends told me that she wanted me.
But I felt at that point I was too good for her; and I turned on my super-asshole smarminess and really dug into her that after what she did and what I look like now, she will NEVER EVER HAVE ME.
Welcome to my twisted mind.
The thing was... what goes around, comes around.
And the EXACT SAME THING happened to me three weeks ago. Girl I knew, I dumped her, she shows up, she looks really good, and she wants nothing to do with me.
That's when I first realized I had a major major major problem.
I've been doing a lot of self-analysis.
And I realized there's someone who makes me happy. She's not perfect.
But then again, I realized.. neither am I.
The question is, whether we are perfect for each other.
My mind was made up when I got my mail today. I came across a package that this girl had sent me.
She knew I had been upset about some personal stuff in my life, so she sent me some things to make me smile... little things that she knows I like, and I realized - she knows the little things.... like sour patch kids and diet pepsi and Joe Namath and hockey jerseys.
So I think I'm gonna see about a girl.
...thanks for reading.
and apologies to damon/affleck
<img src="http://tenbatsuzen.homestead.com/files/tilliesig.jpg">