Dating Married Man

[shorty]

I looked for a thread on this, so if I missed it, I'm sorry.

Anyway, one of my good friends is dating a married man. We used to be really close, but since they started dating, I can't be around the situation. It's been going on for almost a year and I haven't really talked to her since it started. I miss her a lot, but I think he's a dick for lying to his wife and kid. And even if they ever become a legitimate couple, I'll be nervous that he'd do the same to my friend. I hate that my relationship with her is suffering, what should I do?

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[TheMojoPin]

Wait, HE'S the dick? Sure, it's fucked up what he's doing, but your friend is an equal partner in crime for going along with it. Schmucks.

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[ChrisTheCop]

I disagree, Mojo. He's the one that took the "solemn" oath. If it wasnt shorty's friend he was dating, it would be some other girl. The mistake for her would come when she starts thinking she can actually have a REAL relationship with this man..that it may go somewhere. It wont and it shouldnt. As Shorty said, even in the odd chance that they do become legit...once a cheater always a cheater. Shorty, all i can suggest for you is that you let her make her mistake, and be there for her when it fails and she needs you.

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[Hawiian shirt craig]

yeah mojo, ur wrong chris
is right... shes wrong but
hes the one with the wife. it
just doesn't work that way.
he needs to have his nuts
removed, i'm glad u avoid
this whole thing shorty!


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[TheGameHHH]

Distance yourself from the situation as much as possible. If you get caught up in any of it, you're asking for trouble.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY THE GAME-AHHH!

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[Mxyzptlk]

Unfortunately this sort of thing happens quite often. In my 40 person department at work I've known about 4 different affairs that went on. I could just imagine how many happened that I didn't know about. Lots of people don't take marriage seriously. The result is about a 50% divorce rate.

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[TheMojoPin]

Hey, I stand by the fact that whoever's married, man or woman, the "other lover" is just as guilty. They could say "no" or back out as soon as they find out about the marriage. They're not called "homewreckers" for nothing.

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This message was edited by TheMojoPin on 10-31-02 @ 1:22 AM

[IrishAlkey]

I gotta agree with Mojo.

The only way you can look at a situation like this argumentatively as a whole is on a moral level. Morally, they're both equally wrong. They're both guilty of destructive behavior. If you wanna talk about the married man's "oath", that brings religious ideologies into it, and that's just boring. Things get fuckin' cloudy when your argument is grounded in a religious perspective.



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This message was edited by IrishAlkey on 10-31-02 @ 1:33 AM

[shorty]

I'm not asking about who's right and wrong, I obviously don't agree with the situation. What I need to know is should I try to talk to her about it or let our friendship go?

Thanks for the advice so far.

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[silera]

Hang out with her and not with her and her boyfriend. Don't talk to her about her boyfriend and don't let her bore you with her problems.

Seems like she's so busy trying to spend time with him that your relationship is suffering.

So, in conclusion, fuck her.



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[ChrisTheCop]

mojo, ur wrong chris
is right.
couldnt we just have ended it there? it happens so infrequently.

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[IrishAlkey]

Shorty, stop making this all about you!

Two people are ruining their lives and you're just fishing for attention!

:)

Love ya.

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[RusticSoul]

sounds like shorty is just jealous. so much she wants to let go a friend, be happy that she is happy. Maybe u just need to get someone for yourself

[TheMojoPin]

Talk her out of it, Shorty. Or at least try. REALLY hard. If she refuses to budge, you might have to let her go. It'll just lead to a mountain of trouble and frustration that you don't want to be a part of.

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[Death Metal Moe]

Hey, why not. Morals be damned.

Let's wreck everyone's families.

Kick your friend in the ass for me, and have the guy beat.

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[shorty]

sounds like shorty is just jealous. so much she wants to let go a friend, be happy that she is happy. Maybe u just need to get someone for yourself


Couldn't be more wrong! I have a great life, I'm just upset that a once very close friend is no longer in my life b/c I can't stand that she's dating a married man. And I feel bad for his wife and child. And I don't want to see my friend get dragged into this. Know who you're talking to before you make assumptions.

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[HordeKing1]

SHORTY - I understand that you're upset that you don't have the relationship with your friend that you used to.

Why is this so?

Does the fact that she's dating a married guy pose some barrier to the relationship that wouldn't arise if she were dating a single guy?

It seems that there is some part of you that is mad at your friend for this particular relationship.

You have to ask yourself if you want to be friends with her even if she's doing something foolish or if her actions are something you can't deal with. There's nothing wrong with either of those choices and they really are your only option.

You cannot make her change her behavior unless she wants to and it does not appear that she wants to.



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[Bob Impact]

Ah Horde King, so wise.
Mojo, in my eyes, you are correct sir. Follow me on this analogy here:

If Mojo and I are robbing a bank, but he goes into the bank and I'm the lookout, we are both guilty of either robbery or conspiracy.
Adultery, at least in the Biblic sense deals with both cheating and being the other person. Dammit.

-Bob Impact
"Welcome the whole new pain and take comfort in what you've become. I waved as I passed myself along the way. I have arrived so unashamed but my reflection no longer seems the same. It seems much dimmer now."- AFI, Exsanguination

[TheMojoPin]

Wow, that WAS a classy analogy. Nice.

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VP #2 for the Coalition of Angry Micks, and Minister of Bloody Mayhem.
"You can tell some lies about the good times you've had/But I've kissed your mother twice and now I'm working on your dad..."

[HordeKing1]

BOB IMPACT - But in the bible the man is only culpable if he sleeps with a married woman. (Another example of the bible treating women as chattel).

A married man who sleeps with an unmarried woman is not culpable.

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[Heavy]

BOB IMPACT - But in the bible the man is only culpable if he sleeps with a married woman. (Another example of the bible treating women as chattel).

A married man who sleeps with an unmarried woman is not culpable


Nice!!

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[Bob Impact]

I never said that the bible was fair HK, but if we're going to go by It's mythology we may as well follow it to the bitter end.

Otherwise the complete morality of the situation is called into discussion, being that any type of marraige is a bond between two people, and in most cultures that is a sacred bond that is not to be broken. For anyone to knowingly destroy, or otherwise threaten that bond is for that person to attempt to destroy something sacred, which should be judged against the mores of the culture the event occurs in.


- Bob Impact

"Let's tap your heart so we can paint the walls and see if anybody likes the tone or the pain. The hungry eyes waiting for life flash, now they're gonna see it. Open your veins so we can make a pool and bathe and see if anyone complains of the stain. Let's strip you down so we can see you old scars. Now you're gonna feel it. - AFI, Catch A Hot One"

[NewYorkDragons80]

If it bothers you, don't associate with her. Forget what the Bible says, she should know the relationship is built on a weak foundation and fundamentally wrong.

(Another example of the bible treating women as chattel).
IMO, that's another example of the Bible being influenced by ancient culture. Ultimately, the Bible's inlfuence by mankind is its biggest flaw.

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[HordeKing1]

BOB IMPACT - All the more reason not to subscribe to the outdated treatment of women endorsed wholeheartedly by religions worldwide.

any type of marraige is a bond between two people, and in most cultures that is a sacred bond that is not to be broken

The divorce rate of 50% belies that argument. Nowdays marriage is looked upon by many (including our legal system) as a contract. Others look at it as a deeply intimate relationship.

Few look at it as "sacred." That's just religion's attempts to regulate our lives. Fortunately, if you have enough money, even religions that prohibit dissolution of the "sacred" bond of marriage, allow annulments. A few months ago the annulment of the "sacred" bond of an abusive relationship cost the woman a $5,000 "donation." It wasn't compulsory or anything like that - she only had to give it if she wanted to ever remarry and not be condemned by her religion as an adulterer doomed to hell.

In the church's defense, it costs a lot of money to buy cub scout uniforms for all those altar boys.


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[BrianTheBailBondsman]

ahhh are you sure your not " your friend"?

I never date a married woman I just do afternooners with them

"Getting my 15 minutes of fame a few seconds at a time"

[HordeKing1]

Being of the masculine male gender, I can assure you it was not. It was a woman who was in her 50's and lived for too long in an abusive relationship before finding the strength, through therapy to leave him. She eventually met and married a nice guy who treats her respectfully, but only after giving the church it's bribe.

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[Johnny4]

Shorty, I have to agree with the king. Although in the end, the relationship will probably bring pain into both of their lives, it should have no effect on your friendship. Don't hang out with them when they are together if that makes you feel better. In the words of the Lama..... Ethical discipline can only come about if one has the ability to bear hardships when confronted with them.

Rackin' up bad Karma since 1971!

[Abrasive Dean]

If Mojo and I are robbing a bank, but he goes into the bank and I'm the lookout,


BTW, If Bob Impact and Mojo ever do decide on the Bank Job as a former Rally driver I would like to volunteer as the "wheels" man. (It would help boost the pre - Christmas finances too)

Adultery - "No Good"

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This message was edited by Abrasive Dean on 11-18-02 @ 7:22 PM

[TheMojoPin]

BTW, If Bob Impact and Mojo ever do decide on the Bank Job as a former Rally driver I would like to volunteer as the "wheels" man. (It would help boost the pre - Christmas finances too)

"Snatch 2: Electric Boogaloo"?

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"You can tell some lies about the good times you've had/But I've kissed your mother twice and now I'm working on your dad..."

[LatinSpiceXoX]

I think Shorty feels awkward hanging out with her friend when so much time has passed by.... and the reason it's passed it's cause she never agreed with the situation. So I figure she avoided hanging out with her not to bring up arguements.

I have a bestfriend, who has always been attracted to married men, or guys who are in close and constant touch w/ their ex and children. She has the patience to deal with it.. she has the maturity, but in the end.. she get's the short end when the guy decided to move on.

All the while, we get ditched from her spending time w/ the bastard in the first place, and when it's all over I have to be the 'good friend' to be there, meanwhile, I was completely ignored for their entire relationship... that's my only gripe about it.

I agree both should take the blame for their affair. Him because if he is not into his wife anymore, he should have the decency to tell her and leave her.. and HER because she should have more respect for herself and for other women who strive to achieve respect in this male-dominated world. Her lusty feelings are giving proving to him and many others that men, one way or another, can still get their way and not think twice about who they might be hurting along the way.. whether it be the wife, the mistress or even the kids.

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[Bob Impact]

Few look at it as "sacred." That's just religion's attempts to regulate our lives.

I knew that would happen, I was talking sacred in more of a individuals view of what is sacred. I do understand that people get divorced regularly now, but that doesn't make it right. Be it a contract or a sacred vow, your word is your word and breaking it is always immoral.
"Snatch 2: Electric Boogaloo"?

If Mojo and I did rob a bank I think the headline would read:
Mojo and Bob Impact Downtown bank!
...
...
...
Geh Geh Geh!

- Bob Impact

"Let's tap your heart so we can paint the walls and see if anybody likes the tone or the pain. The hungry eyes waiting for life flash, now they're gonna see it. Open your veins so we can make a pool and bathe and see if anyone complains of the stain. Let's strip you down so we can see you old scars. Now you're gonna feel it. - AFI, Catch A Hot One"

[HordeKing1]

I knew that would happen, I was talking sacred in more of a individuals view of what is sacred.

Many people don't think that anything is sacred.

I do understand that people get divorced regularly now, but that doesn't make it right.

Nor does it make it wrong. In fact the sheer number of people getting divorced obviates your idea of individual concept of marriage as a "saccred" union.

Countless studies have shown that it is far better for the spouses and kids of a bad marrriage to divorce rather than to continue the realtionship. (Except for the mental health of men, which declines following a divorce).

Be it a contract or a sacred vow, your word is your word and breaking it is always immoral.

Always immoral? I can't think of any situation where something is always moral or immoral. I doubt you'll find two people who have the exact same concept of morality.

As far as marriage as a contract, that's why the law has support laws, b/c the breaking the marriage is viewed as a breach of contract.

No one likes to think of divorce, but it is a very real possibility that even the most loving couples face.

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[TheMojoPin]

While I think marriage in its current form actual cheapens the love between a man and a woman by essentially making their union a business and legal pact, I DO think that couples make a choice at one time in their relationship where they decide, "OK, THIS is the person I'm going to be with ONLY." Sure, many people have open relationships, but this obviously isn't the case here. People are betraying a loved one's confidence, affection and trust just for some cheap thrills, and that's not right. Ever. It needs to be stopped or the cheated-upon spouse needs to be told. ASAP.

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VP #2 for the Coalition of Angry Micks, and Minister of Bloody Mayhem.
"You can tell some lies about the good times you've had/But I've kissed your mother twice and now I'm working on your dad..."

[Bob Impact]

In fact the sheer number of people getting divorced obviates your idea of individual concept of marriage as a "saccred" union.

Not entirely, although I should clarify that I do speak for nobody but myself, however...

Argumentum ad Verecundiam(Appeal to Autority) based upon the authority of the population still does not justify breaking your word with someone. Ever. That's my personal belief.

No one likes to think of divorce, but it is a very real possibility that even the most loving couples face.


Divorce is an entirely seperate beast, i'm talking in a more specific sense of breaking the ties, however you define them, of marraige through adultery.

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[angrymissy]

Hey, why not. Morals be damned.

Let's wreck everyone's families.

Kick your friend in the ass for me, and have the guy beat.


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