HOW TO WRITE A LED ZEPPELIN SONG

[TheMojoPin]

Alright, based on a recent thread about Led Zeppelin, I decided to give them another chance. Spending an entire weekend listening to 5 of their albums, I believe I have determined the process by which this band created their "tunes".

1: Steal an old Robert Johnson blues track. Preferably one about being lonely, or flood defense mechanisms.
2. If the lyrics make too much sense, change them. Nip down the library and get out a copy of Tolkein's Simarillion (the one where the first twenty pages are thumbed and the rest are as clean as the day the book was bought). Lyrics can be taken verbatim. Alternatively imagine yourself to be a Viking.
3. Beef up the percussion by getting a man who is physically designed only to hit things very hard, and who only wants to hit things very hard, to hit something very hard. Repeat.
4. Add twiddly guitar bits to the song, in case the track had any original emotional merit. Layer a twelve string guitar in the background as well, just to be on the safe side.
5. Try to persuade your bass player to puff a bit of flute over it. If he does, it is a ballad. Repeat step three slower. If he's off flute this week, it is mid-tempo. If it ever gets fast, you are doing something wrong.
6. Find a castrato with 80 cubic pounds of frizzy hair. Tell him to sing with feeling. Tell him also to howl, wail and generally make a tit of himself. If he ever gets round to singing any of the lyrics, its a bonus.
7. Repeat eight times. You now have an album. Name it something clever like - er - after the number of albums you have released. If this gets too high for you to count (say above four) use its name to describe the contents. Such as The Song Remains The Bleeding Same.


Voila. You are now Led Zeppelin. May you rot in prog rock hell.



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VP #2 for the Coalition of Angry Micks, and Minister of Bloody Mayhem.
"You can tell some lies about the good times you've had/But I've kissed your mother twice and now I'm working on your dad..."

This message was edited by TheMojoPin on 11-6-02 @ 8:53 PM

[fluffernutter]

Tell him also to howl, wail and generally make a tit of himself.


That was too f'ing funny, the whole thing! Very true also. No disrespect but after I picked up the Robert Johnson CD I was like "Oh, so thats where they got it!"
Again Mojo, great way of putting thoughts into words. I too was going to listen to my Zeppelin records over the weekend but somehow....hmmm....I got distracted by the Sabbath 2 CD set that just came out. And no, I am NOT comparing the both of them. Sabbath just holds more of an interest for me.

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[Gvac]

Led Zeppelin is one of the greatest bands in the history of Rock and Roll. Yes, much of their material is blues based, but all good Rock and Roll is.

The diversity of their material is FAR greater than the bands of today, and Mojo, you're the first person I've ever heard refer to Zep as "prog rock."

<img src=http://home.ix.netcom.com/~camman/_uimages/animatedgvacsig.gif>

Thanks, PanterA!

[TheMojoPin]

The diversity of their material is FAR greater than the bands of today, and Mojo, you're the first person I've ever heard refer to Zep as "prog rock."

I just have the nasty habit of lumping all "big" bands into prog rock. I guess I don't DISLIKE bands like Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd or Tool, but I wouldn't actually ever want to listen to them. I like my music a little tighter.

<img src=http://home.ix.netcom.com/~camman/_uimages/mojopin.gif>
VP #2 for the Coalition of Angry Micks, and Minister of Bloody Mayhem.
"You can tell some lies about the good times you've had/But I've kissed your mother twice and now I'm working on your dad..."

[TheMojoPin]

And as for Pink Floyd...

I have always been a firm believer in doing the work you love and loving the work you do. That's why my resume includes spells as a layabout, a sensory deprivation engineer, and a special liason for the Metropolitan Police's Operation Bloated Corpse Patrol. But that's not to say I can't sympathize with you poor souls trapped in a job you hate, faced every day with the punishing traumas and choices of modern industrial existence. "Hmm, which CD will I put on today - Dido or David Gray?". Actually, no, I can't sympathise.


But I sympathize more with you, O oppressed "White Ladder" listener, than with Roger motherfucking Waters. Roger's job was to be a rock star. How he'd got the gig was a mystery, given that he looked like the horse from "Steptoe And Son" - but once he was in 'the business' he threw himself into it with the precise opposite of gusto. All of Pink Floyd's biggest-selling records are about how absolutely shit it is to be a famous musician. "Welcome To The Machine" howls Rog with his customary metaphorical deftness. Yes the business, nay, LIFE ITSELF is an evil MACHINE that PROCESSES YOU and stops you being FREE. It is populated with PIGS (three different kinds, Roger painstakingly points out) who say "HAVE A CIGAR" as they make you sign away your creative SOUL...


Hold on there, Roger! The Man did you wrong HOW exactly? He restricted you to a mere nine parts of "Shine On You Crazy Diamond" perhaps? Let's get this straight. Pink Floyd were at the height of their commercial powers at a time when rock was the most indulged music on the planet. In other words if there is anybody in human artistic history who could done absolutely anything he wanted to do it is Waters, R.. It's not anyone else's fault that what resulted sounded like Eric Clapton fallen in a tar pit.


Roger should have taken note of his colleagues' attitudes. You didn't catch Nick Mason complaining about his job, oh no. He knew a good thing when he saw one - turn up, hit a drum maybe fifteen times per song and then fuck off for the next three years to drive racing cars. (Pink Floyd may have put out "A Collection Of Great Dance Songs" but their music goes beyond mere BPM - if only because "beats" in the plural would contravene the Trades Descriptions Act.)


But Roger had none of this fair-mindedness. He moaned and moaned and moaned. For goodness' sake, Rog, I agree with you! The music industry is a pit of cloth-eared snakes favouring product over talent (Evidence A is Pink Floyd but never mind). So why on earth didn't you just leave and get another job? Very simple, no problems. Just put down the bass, walk out of the door, and forget all about it. You have to conclude that either Roger was just as greedy and venal as the rest of them, or that his blinkered misanthropy and grudge-bearing had made him completely unemployable. Like Dido versus David Gray, readers, it's a very difficult choice.


<img src=http://home.ix.netcom.com/~camman/_uimages/mojopin.gif>
VP #2 for the Coalition of Angry Micks, and Minister of Bloody Mayhem.
"You can tell some lies about the good times you've had/But I've kissed your mother twice and now I'm working on your dad..."



This message was edited by TheMojoPin on 11-6-02 @ 10:12 PM

[ChrisTheCop]

"big" bands
Kids today..with their rock music..I'm with you, Mojo, big band is where it's at. <html> <img src="http://www.tommydorseyorchestra.com/band2.jpg"width=350> </html>

<img src="http://rfcop.50megs.com/images/jersey_rich-fluffernutter_sigpic.gif">a JerseyRich/Fluffernutter production

This message was edited by Gvac on 11-6-02 @ 10:34 PM

[jafter]

Ok Mojo,

I am a Zep fan, but I do agree that Robert Plant must have been smoking some great pot. I never listen to Zeppelins lyrics because they never have anything to say.

Now for the rest of the band they are very tight. You can hear every note each of them play.

So tell us what you listen to. There hasnt been any good music made since the early 90's. Most bands today suck.

Thank you Ron and Fez for finally being live in DC.
Philly is the next market for the boys. Wake up WYSP...

[Johnny4]

I think Zep is Mojo's Niagra Falls. As in the old Vaudville bit.

Rackin' up bad Karma since 1971!

[TheMojoPin]

I don't mean "tight" in the aural quality of their music. I just find 70's rock like that too bloated and drawn out for me. Like I said, I understand why some people love them, but it does ZERO for me. My theory is that if you have to pick a 70's band that really drives what you love today, you're either a Ramones brudda or a Zeppelin fan. I'm the former.

Oh, and in the 70's, everyone was pulling the same "music today sucks" horseshit. Quit crying and try harder. If you wait for good music to just come to you it'll be a good 10-20 years before you hear it.

<img src=http://home.ix.netcom.com/~camman/_uimages/mojopin.gif>
VP #2 for the Coalition of Angry Micks, and Minister of Bloody Mayhem.
"You can tell some lies about the good times you've had/But I've kissed your mother twice and now I'm working on your dad..."

[Death Metal Moe]

Now where's my 747 and bastage sluts?

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www.unhallowed.com
<marquee>THE BIG SEXXXY</marquee>
DEATH FACTION 4EVER!!!!

[jafter]

Mojo,

I know where you are coming from. Some of the bands were either really good or really crappy in the 70's.
I understand the bloated feeling. It is like REM or U2. Great bands but then they get over popular and they start to suck.

Fortunately U2 seems to put a good song every now and then still, but they have put out some crap "zooropa".

As for the Ramones or Zep I'll take them both. I have everything on vinyl from both bands and most everything on cd.

You still have not told me what you like.

Are you a closet Journey and Styx fan?... Only kidding buddy.

See yah.

Thank you Ron and Fez for finally being live in DC.
Philly is the next market for the boys. Wake up WYSP...

[A.J.]

Why haven't you made a case that the Rolling Stones stole from the Chuck Berry canon?

Besides, Zeppelin "stole" as much from Joni Mitchell, Willie Dixon, and Bert Jansch as they did from Robert Johnson.

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A Skidmark production.

[TheMojoPin]

Why haven't you made a case that the Rolling Stones stole from the Chuck Berry canon?

Because that's like shooting one giant, obese fish in a teensy-tiny barrel. And while I appreciate the Stones, I have absolutely zero desire to own any of their albums. I'm firmly in the Beatles camp.

I'm not much for "classic" bands. Creedence, Bo Diddly, Buddy Holly, Eddie Cochrane, pre-army Elvis, The Beatles is about as far I go. I love tons of 60's and 70's "power pop" groups like Big Star, The Kinks and Creation, but I just can't get turned on by the massive classic rock groups.

<img src=http://home.ix.netcom.com/~camman/_uimages/mojopin.gif>
VP #2 for the Coalition of Angry Micks, and Minister of Bloody Mayhem.
"You can tell some lies about the good times you've had/But I've kissed your mother twice and now I'm working on your dad..."

[BrianTheBailBondsman]

But Moe have you figured out the meaning to Stairway to heaven yet?

"Getting my 15 minutes of fame a few seconds at a time"

[fluffernutter]

As for the Ramones or Zep I'll take them both.


No way should the Ramones ever be included in the same sentence as Zeppelin. The Ramones have been so much more of an influence in my opinion and practically started a whole new breed of Rock known as punk. No disrespect to the garage bands of the 60's but no one quite had that power and raw attitude that the Ramones did. Again, no disrespect to the 60's garage bands. No one even mention the Sex Pistols in the punk area because they were created like most popular pop bands are.

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[jafter]

Ok Fluff,



Hold on there you don't think that zeppelin influenced anyone. They influenced a ton of bands in the 70's and 80's.

You definitely can put both bands in the same sentence.
Both bands were equally influential in their genre.

Just as Zeppelin was influenced by the blues greats, the Ramones were influenced by the bands of the 60's. The Beatles, Stones, The Who, the girl groups, beach music. They just took it stripped it down to a few chords and sped it up. That what makes the Ramones so fun.

Lyrically who cares what either band had to say it was just another instrument. Neither band were political or trying say anything in their songs. Musically Zeppelin had great talent at guitar, drums, bass, and keyboards. The Ramones did not have the technical playing ability but they could build the same power and effect by playing the same 3 or 4 chords.

So Fluff you can put them in the same sentence and they both have there place in rock and roll and that is why they are both in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Thank you Ron and Fez for finally being live in DC.
Philly is the next market for the boys. Wake up WYSP...

[grlNIN]

get really drunk, catch a mudshark, find a groupie, and let the magic commense

Someday You Will Ache Like I Ache
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[Matt the Lifeguard]

Led Zeppelin was a blues-rock
jam band. What else are they
supposed to sound like? They
could have stayed in their
roots but they chose to branch
out into different styles.
Caribbean , Acoustic , Folk ,
Middle Eastern , Jazz , and
John Paul Jones was
classically trained and did
arrangements for many
sucessful 60s London Bands. I
think it is unfair to say that
they stole everything.

What do you play when you
first pick up an instrument?


You try to sound like somebody
else. Eventually get better
and grow out of the box. It is
the same for great bands
too.

[TheMojoPin]

What do you play when you
first pick up an instrument?

Fugazi, "Shut The Door". Without fail. It gets me going for a good 5-6 hours of pure rockin'.

<img src=http://home.ix.netcom.com/~camman/_uimages/mojopin.gif>
VP #2 for the Coalition of Angry Micks, and Minister of Bloody Mayhem.
"You can tell some lies about the good times you've had/But I've kissed your mother twice and now I'm working on your dad..."