Mom Advice

[Jennitalia]

I'm a little worried about my mother. A couple of years ago, she went through this breakdown of sorts. I won't get into too many details, but it was pretty ugly. During that time, my sister and I just moved out, my youngest sister was in London for the semester, and my mom had just separated from my step father. I think she had a lot of time on her hands, and started to think about a lot of stuff from her past and worrying about the future...
She has since gotten remarried to somebody who treats her, my sisters and I very well, but she's now kind of running into the same situation. She was recently laid off after 30 years of working for IBM, and is trying to find another job. My sister and I live a little further away. I actually live in an apartment near my grandparents and aunt & uncle (part of my mom's "past problems"), and now my youngest sister is moving out.
On top of it, my mother has to have a hysterectomy this week - mostly as a precautionary procedure.
I'm relieved that my mom has somebody to take care of her, but I'm still very worried that she may relapse and have another breakdown. I've tried talking about things with her and suggesting counseling, but it's something she feels she doesnt need. I'm very unsure of how to act towards her, because she can be a loose cannon at times, and tends to push the people that are closest to her away(hmmm...now y'all know where i get it from). I just want to avoid the crap we went through before and be there for her, and help her.


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next time you want pussy, just look in the mirror, baby




This message was edited by Jennitalia on 1-20-03 @ 3:31 PM

[TastelessGinny]

See if your Mom is on hormone replacement therapy, or if she would benefit from an SSRI. Ask her doctor, if you can; depending on how lucid Mom is around the doctor and how old you are, the doctor may very well tell you. I'm gonna armchair-quarterback here, since I'm a middle aged woman myself, and say that she may be going through perimenopause, or menopause itself--on top of a depression (either hormone-caused or not).

when you toss in the gyn problems (as evidenced by the upcoming hysterectomy) I'm gonna guess that it's possibly menopause. Be supportive of Mom, and know that no matter how kooky she acts she still loves you.



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[Lucento]

I hope you take the hormone threapy advise and ignore the more lurid resposnses. Now I know why women say men are pigs! I hope everything turns out ok.

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[Abrasive Dean]

Jen,

a hysterectomy is considered a "routine" procedure by most surgeons and so this in itself is nothing to worry about. Obviously however the psychological effect on the patient is more significant (as indeed it was with my mother).

It might be your best course of action to offer support to your Mum but to her partner as well who might need it more than your mother.

I am not putting this too well but be available without appearing to interfere.

(For the record my brother is a Surgeon at St Thomas's London)

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This message was edited by Abrasive Dean on 1-21-03 @ 4:58 PM

[JustJon]

no more fighting in here. I would lock this, but Jennie asked a valid, important question. Get back on topic or get removed.

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[HordeKing1]

JEN - I'm sorry to hear about your mom. From what I gather you're right to worry about her.

Although you didn't describe the etiology of her breakdown a few years ago it seems that it was closely tied to some stressful life events - You and your sister moved out, her other daughter was overseas, and she just separated from your stepfather. Any one of these is very stressful. Taken together, they can be enough to give people a "breakdown"

Now she has new stressors, that taken together can be very problematic, especially to a person who has a predisposition to "breakdowns." She has been laid off from work after 30 years and must now look for a new job. That's incredibly stressful. It's a loss of financial security, possibly health benefits, and also a loss of routine and perhaps purpose. She may define herself as an "IBM worker." Losing her job can be a major blow to her self-image.

In addition to this, you and your sisters live further away than before. You in particular live near some relatives that posed some sort of difficulty to your mom before. She is having a medical problem sufficient to warrant a hysterectomy. Health problems are always stressful, especially a hysterectomy to a woman, as many women regard their womb, and ability to conceive as an essential element of their femininity and sexuality. Obviously, since she's having surgery, she's under the care of an MD. It's important for her to follow up post-surgery as there is a relationship b/w surgery health problems and depression.

You say that her new husband supports her and treats her and the rest of the family well. However, you also say that she doesn't feel like talking to you, or feel the need to go to a therapist. Yet, she acts at times like a "loose cannon" which makes talking to her difficult - even for her husband. This is compounded by her tendency to push away people who try to help.

In sum, you have a situation where there are significant stressors in her life that to her, may exceed the stressors that gave her the breakdown a few years ago.

First thing; try to take it as easy as possible. Acting tense and overly concerned around her, could be interpreted by her in the wrong way and may cause her to push away, which will lead you to feel resentful to her and make approaching her in the future more difficult.

Perhaps you can work with your stepfather and surriptetiously monitor her condition. If she seems unusually depressed, morose or anxious you can sit down with as many family members as possible and together tell her that she needs to seek help. Using this group approach is beneficial, b/c she won't single out any one of you in particular to push away from. A concerted effort like this from many family members might gently persuade her that she needs help.

Hopefully it won't come to this. But please, you're aware of the situation. It happened one. Based on the history and her environmental stressors, I'd not be surprised if it happened again. If it does, the sooner you get her to therapy the better.



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[HordeKing1]

Regarding hormone replacement therapy - that's a medical issue of course and one that she and her doctor must make together.

In addition, although doctors might consider a hysterectomy a "routine" procedure (if there is such a thing) they also consider heart transplants "routine" as well.

It's a serious surgery, that should go well, but it will be hard on your mom on many levels.

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[Abrasive Dean]

In addition, although doctors might consider a hysterectomy a "routine" procedure (if there is such a thing) they also consider heart transplants "routine" as well.


I too have often taken issue with the use of "routine" with my brother but in this sense it typically means one which can be performed with relatively few risks to the patient.

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