Dating Someone With Kids [Archive] - RonFez.net Messageboard

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ShelleBink

06-11-2003, 06:33 PM

Have you/are you dating someone with kids, and how do you deal with it?

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HordeKing1

06-11-2003, 07:00 PM

Shelle, it depends on many factors, especially age.

If the person with kids is 15-20 years older than you, it's much different than if the person is around your own age.

Even then, realize that the person's kids are going to come first and that it may take a long long time for the kids to tollerate you, let alone like you.

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SuperClerk

06-11-2003, 07:47 PM

I dated a girl with a kid for about a year in a half. Then I married her. :)

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HBox

06-11-2003, 07:50 PM

Then I married her

Who, the girl or the kid?

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Friday

06-11-2003, 07:58 PM

No. No. and NO.

But that's just me.

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SuperClerk

06-11-2003, 08:06 PM

Who, the girl or the kid?

The girl. LMAO

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fluffernutter

06-11-2003, 09:05 PM

It all depends on the situation. I always looked at it as do I see myself getting into a committed relationship with her and what kind of impact could it have on the children in question. I mean could it become the situation especially if the kids are at a young age, the kids may grow atttached at that young age and when it comes time (if at all there is) a breakup could have an effect on the kids as well. Go with your heart, if you feel something special with him, do it. See what happens. Test the waters.

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A.J.

06-12-2003, 02:20 AM

No. No. and NO.

But that's just me.

And me.

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Disúgrunútled

06-12-2003, 02:24 AM

Speaking from the other sides perspective
It could work if you are careful. When you three are together treat him only as a friend. There is time for kissing and other things when you two are alone. Also, is the mother of the kid around? Let the kid know that you are not trying to replace her. And last how old is the kid? When they are younger it is easier and you get to play with play dough without anyone looking at you weird . If older, treat the kid as a person you want to be with and not just as an extension of his parents. It is a little hard at first but if the father is good and kind stick it out.

I am, and always will be,in a state of sulky dissatisfaction.

reeshy

06-12-2003, 02:44 AM

Years ago, I met a woman who had recently divorced and had a 4 year old daughter. We dated for a long time and of course, Janine, her daughter, came with us the majority of time. We eventually married, I adopted Janine, and then we had Mikey. The rest is history!!!

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Heavy

06-12-2003, 03:13 AM

Even then, realize that the person's kids are going to come first

And if they dont, realize hes a scumbag.

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ShelleBink

06-12-2003, 04:57 AM

Even then, realize that the person's kids are going to come first
***
And if they dont, realize hes a scumbag.

there is NO problem there... if you don't believe me, ask to see the pictures in his wallet :)

I have to get ready for work so i'll just write this kinda quick ((apologies if its a bit unclear))

In short, I'm a little freaked out by the kids thing, mostly of them not liking me. And, to an extent, not being a really good adult influence in their life ((in english, i'm still irresponsible)) and i wouldn't want to fuck with their heads coz ... that's just wrong. BUT i do like this guy, and I told him in the beginning of how it might be a little awkward so I guess I"ll just go from there.

Thanks for everthing so far...

By the way, the kids are (I think) 7 and 3... and hockey fans... ((and adorable)) :)

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SuperClerk

06-12-2003, 05:03 AM

By the way, the kids are (I think) 7 and 3... and hockey fans... ((and adorable))

If the kids are Ranger fans, get out now!!! :)

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TooCute

06-12-2003, 05:05 AM

His kids are 7 and 3? And you're what, 19 or so? It seems like
he must be considerably older than you, which would worry me.
It's one thing to just have a fling with someone but if there are
kids involved and they're interacting with you, then I would
worry more.

If you're seeing him but never meet his kids, that's one thing. It
would indicate to me that he's not necessarily ready to be that
serious with you, and if that's fine with you, that's cool.

But if you're spending a lot of time with him and his kids, unless
you feel like you might really be feel serious about this, I would
worry a great deal about the relationship with his kids - if he's a
single father, regardless of the reason it doesn't seem like they
would need the additional stress of getting to know you and
then having yuo exit their lives suddenly. That is going to
depend on you. If he's bringing his kids along and asking you to
spend a lot of time with them and he's even remotely a good
parent, then that would indicate to me that he feels very
seriously about you - so it's up to you to decide how far the
relationship will go.

There's nothing inherently wrong or dangerous about dating a
person with kids, IMHO, but it would be prudent to be far more
cautious than you generally are. You're still very young; are you
ready to be in a relationship with a man and two kids?

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Heavy

06-12-2003, 06:44 AM

this guy might be 25 and if shes 19 as you say, there no problem, right? These are his kids and its his job to raise them along with his wife, not yours. If they get screwed up because of you itll be his fault too so......

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mikeyboy

06-12-2003, 08:10 AM

and then we had Mikey

You tell the best stories, Dad.

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ShelleBink

06-12-2003, 02:31 PM

The guy I'm seeing is 27, and yes I'm *just* 19 ((in spite of my age and self proclaimed immaturity and irresponsibility, I can sometimes act older)). We flirted for months and months ((because we both were with other people)) and after both being single for a few weeks, decided to go out to "see where things go." In discussing what we both want right now, it turned out to be the same thing. We both want something a bit more serious, and generally someone to spend time with -- in short, a strong friendship with a monogamous (sp?) relationship.

He sees his kids every other weekend as per the agreement between his ex-wife and him. He pays child support and sees his kids whenever possible ((which his ex wife is open about)). He genuinely cares about his children and when asked about him goes into deep discussions about both of them. The kids spent the majority of time with his ex-wife, and she lives with the boys in Pennsylvania with her live-in boyfriend. I, being here in Jersey with the guy, obviously wouldn't see the children much... and I wouldn't want to be overly affectionate around their father if and when I meet them because of them getting attached to me. Don't get me wrong, I love kids ((not in the sick kid-touching way)) and I wouldn't mind being introduced just as their dad's "friend" as to ease them into anything, especially since its really up in the air where things could go with something so new to both of us.

In retrospect, I guess I was just asking a general question of people's own personal experiences with dating people with children... and I guess it helped in my own situation. I've told him from the beginning that I hadn't dated anyone with children before, and that I might get a little strange when dealing with it, which, he completely understands.

By the way, the older one is a Sabres fan and the younger one is a Devils fan. Still gotta work on their dad to become a COMPLETE Devils fan instead of sitting on the post between the 2 teams to please the boys :)

**apologies for such a long-winded post**

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angrymissy

06-12-2003, 03:09 PM

honest reply?

you're way too young to get into something like this.

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Tall_James

06-12-2003, 06:13 PM

you're way too young to get into something like this.

Absolutely. Excellent point.

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06-12-2003, 06:18 PM

At least you'll always have an audience.

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smiler grogan

06-12-2003, 06:34 PM

I dated someone with a daughter. At the time the girl was 4 years old. We got very serious even engaged i was totally commited to changing my entire life and become a stepdad. It ended because my ex .... actually I'm still not quite sure why it ended but the entire relationship was dictated by my ex's ability to get a sitter for her daughter. if you would be able to understand that you cannot be his main focus,then give it a shot.
Just remember that all of his important life decisions will be centered around his kids first and his relationships second.
Unless hes a complete scumbag then you don't wanna date him anyway.
p.s. now that relationship is long gone i realize i miss the daughter alot more than my ex.

TooCute

06-12-2003, 06:51 PM

wait I thought you were married. why don't you just have your
own kids?

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Contra

06-12-2003, 07:00 PM

i dated a girl with a 3 year old. it was chill and i rarely saw the son. she made it clear in the beginning that she wasnt looking for a new father for him.

but that was more of a non serious thing i suppose. there was a point though where i really had to ask myself if i was ready for that kind of relationship if it did get very serious. well it didnt work out but an eye opening experience nontheless.

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grlNIN

06-13-2003, 01:58 AM

The guy is 27 and already has a 7 year old AND a 3 year old?? SInce it has proven itself to be a pattern and you DO get involved with him on a more serious level just protect yourself because I'm surethe last thing on this fucking man-whores mind is contraception.

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silera

06-13-2003, 05:53 AM

reeshy

06-13-2003, 06:05 AM

A relationship isn't about getting attention from someone else. Love isn't about someone else making you happy, it's about you deriving joy from giving it to your significant other.

Damn Silera,
You hit the nail right exactly on the head!! If more people would realize that, this would be a happier world! I have gotten my greatest joy and pleasure when I saw my wife's face (and my kids) light up with happiness when I did something for them. I get happiness when I see others happy!! Thanks, Silera!!!!

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Tall_James

06-13-2003, 06:14 AM

Silera that was an excellent response. Bravo.

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Tall_James

06-13-2003, 06:14 AM

Silera that was an excellent response. Bravo.

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ShelleBink

06-13-2003, 04:10 PM

The guy is 27 and already has a 7 year old AND a 3 year old?? SInce it has proven itself to be a pattern and you DO get involved with him on a more serious level just protect yourself because I'm surethe last thing on this fucking man-whores mind is contraception.

I realized I didn't make it clear that he was married before the first kid was conceived, so he doesn't go around knocking up chicks. And he does still care for his ex in the sense of her being the mother of his children, which, I find respectible.

Don't hang out with his kids unless it's serious. I don't think kids have to meet every single person their parents date. It fucks them up.

Which is the exact reason I'm not rushing to meet them and get involved in their lives. As I said before, I have no idea where this relationship is going as of right now, but to an extent, I'm enjoying the time right now. It hasn't even been that long of us "together" and I'm not rushing out making wedding plans.

If you're not mature enough to accept that the world doesn't revolve around you and your own needs, then you will never have a fulfilling relationship with anyone, regardless of whether or not they have kids.

A relationship isn't about getting attention from someone else. Love isn't about someone else making you happy, it's about you deriving joy from giving it to your significant other.

Considering what I've learned from past failed relationships, this is the best advice I should have gotten years ago...in short, I couldn't have said it better myself.

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IrishAlkey

06-13-2003, 06:12 PM

Who wants to love me?

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hyperspace

06-14-2003, 07:06 AM

RUN!!!!!

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The Chairman

06-14-2003, 11:52 PM

Tough question, lots of variables....

I have never dated anyone with kids. But I would have no problem with it. I love kids and if I loved (or thought there was the potential to love) the woman, there wouldn't be anything I wouldn't attempt to transcend in order to make the relationship work.

I think one needs to look at the factors that led up to the previous breakup and how that person is with their kids. If they treated their kids poorly, I wouldn't last a day. If the guy is not a responsible father, i.e. child support and being their for his kids, I would think twice. Nah I'd run.

The hardest issue for me would be that I would want kids of my own (genetically) but even that I would put aside if I really loved the person.

The issue is moot for me now, but all I can say for you is have fun but don't deny/ignore the challenges, cause they WILL always be there.

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Contra

06-15-2003, 02:28 PM

The issue is moot for me now,

hehe

the future is a wide open field of possibilities

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