Why Me? Any Help Welcome

[DemonPenquin]

Alright I need a little background story to explain this one.

I met a girl, her name for this will be Monica. Me and Monica became friends quick and got along well. And soon I started to have feelings for her. And seeing how we were good enough friends I felt I could tell her. I wasnt expecting anything from her. Just for us to stay friends. And so we did. She knows how Ive felt about her for a while, and what not. Ive always been the guy she can go to for help, or to bitch about people to.

Now to the question

Everytime she has a problem with guys, or an ex. She'll come to me. Everytime she has problems who she cares about, she'll come to me. And it hurts to have to sit there and listen to her talk about it. My stomach Dr0ps and I lose all intrest with her when she does. But I am her friend so I try to help her the best I can. My problem is even if I tell her again and again how I feel about her, she doesnt understand that when she talks about guys and asks me for advice its just painful to help her. I know most of the guys she dates, and I know her history with them. So now she is lookin to get back with one of them that hurt her a lot, and left her bitter.

My question is Why does she always go to me about all this? Is there anything I can do?

http://hostmysig.com/data/penquin/62821.php

[billyio]

First off, I love that boardname. Cracks me up. That has to be up there with SpiderJerusalem.

I think your friend sees you as harmless to her. She can trust you as a friend. If your stomach is Dr0pping when she tells you that she's into someone other than you, you obviously want something else. You should be honest with her and yourself and make a decision where you want your relationship with her to go in the future. If you can't handle being her friend as she perceives you, then maybe you should back out of a potentially troublesome relationship.

See Ya!

[phixion]

yo im rite there with u. im havin feelins with this chik but i kno she doesnt have the same feeling for me. so i just say fuk it and help her. i mean the times im with her im very very happy. if thats how it is with u, than just accept it. tho u could just tell her that its all or nothing, but u will get burned. look inside urself the aswers are always there. trust ur instincts. then smoke a blunt.

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"Hey, it was Kyle who took a number 2 in the urinal."

[Heavy]

2 words: Ether rag.

But seriously heres what you need to do. Tell her you dont wanna hear about the other guys because you like her and it bothers you. She'll either thinks its nice and like you back oor she'll stop telling you about the other guys.

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[dcpete]

this link will explain everything

the perfect explaination (http://www.angelfire.com/vt2/g_hols/Niceguy)

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[DemonPenquin]

That did explain it all. Id say thank you if it didnt suck so much balls.

http://hostmysig.com/data/penquin/62821.php

[Heavy]

Well you can thank me, because I gave you the perfect answer.

Mad props to Fluff for the sig and C.O.soup for hosting!
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[SatCam]

Tell her your comfort isnt free anymore, it costs one blow job.

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[HordeKing1]

I disagree with the explanation offered by the link provided by DCPete, for several reasons, including that it treats women as really stupid.

They are not.

A few people have mentioned that you should talk to her about this. I agree wholeheartedly.

Communication is the basis of any relationship and if you're holding such strong feelings of being hurt inside it will end up poisoning your friendship and potentially start to think (as the title of your post suggests) "why me."

Your relationship is based on friendship. You love her but she doesn't reciprocate those feelings.

Explain how you feel. Tell her that you like her not only as a friend but as a girlfriend and that you would like to go out with her. Tell her that it bothers you when she talks about other guys.

She may reject this totally out of hand, or she may surprise you and agree to date you.

It's certainly possible that it will cool the friendship or change it for the worse, but it's also possible that it will "turn it up a notch."

Being that your stomach "Dr0ps" (I'll assume you mean hurts and/or you feel rejected) when she tells you about her boyfriends it is an issue that you need to get out into the open.

Doing nothing will not make the problem go away.



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[TooCute]

It's all well and good to advise him to tell her how he feels, but that seems useless in light of :

My problem is even if I tell her again and again how I feel about her, she doesnt understand that when she talks about guys and asks me for advice its just painful to help her

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[ToddEVF]

Its because your in the friend zone and are a "nice guy". because of those 2 factors, i hate to say, you'll always be asked for advice and will never get to be with her

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[Dewey]

Forget this other advice. You're in a very tough spot. You have only a 1,000 to 1 shot at ending up with this girl. In order to do that you need to change her perception of you. This is not an easy thing to do.

You ended up in this "friendship zone" by being too available. In other words, she takes you for granted. This must change.

As Don Juan says "The art of being a hunter and a warrior is to be available and unavailable at the precise turn of the road." You don't need to be an asshole; in fact this attempt will be transparent and will backfire. You can be loving, but don't be a lapdog.

The first thing I would do, especially if you have been seeing her regularly, is to disappear for a couple of weeks. If she calls to get together, you'd love to, but you can't make it. Don't let her pin you down why; develop some mystery about yourself. Stay away for five days or so, then give her a call just to chat briefly. Again, be friendly and loving, but don't go overboard and DEFINITELY don't tell her how you feel. She already knows, and we want to put doubt in her mind whether you still feel this way. But don't be mean. What we are trying to do is create a situation where she will want you, and view you as a prize to be had. This is something you should have done in the first place; after all, don't you have something of value to offer? Are you not a loving and loyal man? Isn't she making a mistake to undervalue these qualities in you?

Next, to reinforce her changed perception of you, change your physical appearance before you next meet with her. Get a tan, a tattoo, grow a goatee, or get a better haircut. Dress more sharply; in a way that turns her on, if you know what she likes.
Do something bold and imaginative, and talk about it: skydiving, motorcycling, whatever. Invite her to go skinnydipping with you, after a couple of drinks and preferably somewhere you might get caught. You've got to pique her curiosity and fire her imagination.

If at all possible, be seen by her with a more physically attractive woman, more than once if possible, who is obviously romantically interested in you. I don't care if you have to hire the freaking woman. No one wants to feel like they are getting a "bad deal" on the relationship market. You want to create a perception in her that you are a good deal. And you are, aren't you?

Finally, realize that for this to succeed, you will have to exhibit extraordinary emotional control, and take 1,000 steps without a misstep. It is highly unlikely that will happen. So relax and have fun with it. What is likely, if you try these things, is that you will learn a bit more about yourself, and a bit more about women. And that is all to the good. If you do become truly detached from the situation, you just might find this girl, or someone you like even better, sitting in your lap.

Good luck my friend.



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This message was edited by Dewey on 7-20-03 @ 6:09 AM

[sr71blackbird]

Dont torture yourself with unreciprocated love! Unreciprocated love is the surest and quickest path to depression, believe me. You need to understand that you deserve to have your love returned to you, and not just give it away, as it is your most precious gift. If it isnt returned, you become depressed. Be honest, tell her that this tears you up and terminate the relationship. It will hurt you deeply, but you know what? Youll grow from it. You must not give love to anyone that doesnt return it. You cant be friends with someone you love, unless they love you too. She likes you, thats all she has to give you. Im just being honest with you, for your sake. I have been hurt too, so I know.

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[bunnyluvsthem]

Actually, you may be gay, or have gay tendencies. She has picked up on this vibe, and comes to you for advice, knowing that as a gay man, you have a unique insight and are able to advise her regarding her myriad problems. If this vibe is natural to you, embrace it, and expand upon it, dress in pink gay clothing and clogs, and grow out your right pinky toenail as long as you can stand. Also, stop brushing your teeth, and the next time you see her, ask if you can waqx her earlobes. I am sure all the pestering will stop, and you will have a friend for life, as well as a new lifestyle out of the closet.

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[Death Metal Moe]

Buy her some pudding!

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[Disúgrunútled]

I was once the girl who was dating an asshole. I always went and complained to my best friend who happened to be a guy. What he didn't realize is that I wanted him to make a move. I knew that he cared for me but I wanted some proof. (Forgive me I'm female) After awhile he would tell me that he couldn't hang out or that he didn't have time to talk. One day he invited me out and made the most innocent of moves on me. That was all our relationship needed to be jumpstarted. Maybe what you should do is separate yourself a little while like Dewey said but don't ever change who you are or your appearance just for some girl. When you come back speak maturely to her about your feelings and let her know that your feelings can't be hurt that like time and again. See what she says. She may think that you are just friends but in your heart you are (and want more). In the end you have to think about yourself and get on with your life if the feelings aren't reciprocated.

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[HordeKing1]

It's all well and good to advise him to tell her how he feels, but that seems useless in light of:

My problem is even if I tell her again and again how I feel about her, she doesnt understand that when she talks about guys and asks me for advice its just painful to help her

He's told her how he feels ABOUT HER not how it affects him when she talks about other guys. Plus it seems pretty apparant that she doesn't get the extent of his feelings for her. That's why Penguin should talk to "Monica" about these issues.

BLACKBIRD's comments about not torturing yourself with unreiprocated love is insightful, as I'm sure that this is exactly what you're doing. I suggest however, that you don't rush to terminate the friendship but rather see what happens after you talk to her. If it seems futile after talking, then you can choose whether to terminate the friendship.

EDIT: No offense to Dewey, but changing yourself (appearance) or playing games (like letting her see you with another woman, or saying you're too busy to get together) is not the solution. She either accpets you as you or not.


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This message was edited by HordeKing1 on 7-20-03 @ 7:02 PM

[DemonPenquin]

bunnyluvsthem, yea thats it. Thanks for the help, deek.

Dewey, I know a kid with that nick around here. Strange.

As for everyone else, I thank you for your help, and insight. I see some things Ill have to do and others that wouldnt work for me. But I seem to have fucked up. Maybe less than I think. That site that DCPete linked to. I was passin it around to my friends. And she imed (instant messaged) me just as I was sendin it to a friend of mine. So she saw the sight and I now believe that she thinks I was hinting to something.

So rather than just carying on as normal she begins to say "maybe I shouldn't bitch to you about...". I have no problem helping her for the most part. Except for a few things as said before. But now I get the idea that she doesnt want me to be the guy that helps her. Because of the site, she may think that im trying to show her it was me hinting that as the "nice guy" or the "listener" Im the one she should be with. When in fact I would rather her just be happy. So now Im stuck wondering if she thinks I was hinting and her reaction was she didnt like the idea.

Im just really having a hard time seeing any different sides to all of this rather than just down.

http://hostmysig.com/data/penquin/62821.php

This message was edited by DemonPenquin on 7-21-03 @ 1:23 AM

[Heavy]

How old are you?

Mad props to Fluff for the sig and C.O.soup for hosting!
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[DemonPenquin]

Whats it matter?

http://hostmysig.com/data/penquin/62821.php

[mdr55]

God damn!

Damned if you do and Damned if you don't.

Keep us informed if anything new comes out.

As for "as long as she is happy", Dude! you're freaking in love with her.

Now you got to decide for your own happiness," do you want her to love you like you feel towards her" or "stay friends even though you know inside when she is sad affects you being sad too?"

You're stuck between a Rock and a Hard place.

Good luck and keep the faith. You never know. Everything in life is 50/50.

[sr71blackbird]

The only reason why I suggest terminating the relationship is because it isnt fair to you nor to her. Your lying to yourself, thinking that you can change how you feel, and your lying to her, by making her think you are her "friend" when your heart tells you that you want more than that. It isnt being "honest", which is the root of your happiness and why you feel bad. Believe me, Im not trying to be cruel or heartless, quite the contrary. I want you to be happy, and the only way thats possible in this relationship is to look at it truthfully and see it for what it is. It is the hardest thing you will ever do, if you can tear yourself from it. There is a saying.. If you love someone, set them free. If they come back to you, they are yours. If they dont..... you need to move on and be content with the idea that you tried and it didnt work. But hoping for love doesnt make love happen. You cant make someone love you either. It is only something than can be freely given by an honest person to another honest person or else it isnt "real" love, but unreciprocated love, which is a very unhealthful thing indeed. We are all worthy of having our love returned
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This message was edited by sr71blackbird on 7-21-03 @ 8:49 PM

[DemonPenquin]

sr71, what youve said has made a lot of sense to me. And I think that Im gonna have to give all the advice everyones given me and mix them together. I thank all of you for the help.

http://hostmysig.com/data/penquin/62821.php

[sr71blackbird]

Im glad I helped a little. Its too precious a thing to waste on someone who doesnt return it and a shame when there is someone out there that would be so happy to have that emotion showed their way, and gets none.

<img src="http://www.ronfez.net/imagestorage/SR71.jpg">

[Death Metal Moe]

Did you even TRY the pudding?!?!

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[DemonPenquin]

Yes, I did infact buy some pudding. She seemed to like it. As for an Upd@te I did talk to her and she understands and is sorry for hurting me in such a way. The only thing left now is I have to choose if I should end the friendship, or just continue it. Either way it is gonna hurt one of us. So yea.

On a side note, someone wanna explain why she would go back to the guy that lied and hurt her for so long? It doesnt make sense why girls would do that to themselves.

http://hostmysig.com/data/penquin/62821.php

[sr71blackbird]

We all have the idea that we can change people and this is probably what she is doing. The thing is, to respect someone, you need to accept them for what they are and not try and make them what they are not. Just like you cant "make" her love you, she cant make these guys change either. Dont waste time trying to get her to be what she is not, I would just move on despite your feelings, because as soon as you find the right one, youll know and your happyness will eclipse any grief you feel. It was a learning experience.

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[mdr55]

You don't have to end it. Just distance yourself from it. But if you're neighbors or hang with the same group of friends then that gets hard. Welcome to the club my friend.