Reconciling differences with a close friend.

[fluffernutter]

So to make a long story short, I will try in a few sentences. I lost one of my close friends back in mid November. I wasn't sure if it was because of my car breaking down and us missing Andrew WK or if it was due to him having a girlfriend and just, well, spending ALL the time with her. I sent him an email just saying hi back in March and heard nothing back. Until last week.

Little background here, this is/was one of my closest friends who was actually into half the music I listen to and went to almost every show that would come down the pike. We went to record stores a lot and had a healthy competitiveness on eBay fighting over rare Hot Water Music records. To put things bluntly, I miss my friend. He was like a brother to me.

Anyway.

I always run into a mutual friend of both of ours at the one store I cover for work. She mentioned to me she ran into him last week and I came up in conversation. Actually, she brought me up asking how we used to be close and what happened. Of all of what I had thought...it turned out he stopped talking to me because I was being "whiny" and "negative". If he was truly one of my close fiends (of 4 years no less) wouldn't he have told me, or does the girlfriend factor in his life justify that he can blow me off for a while?

I admit, I complain, hell, we all do, but to just stop DEAD talking to me or anything I feel is really unjustified and I would have respected an explanation at least. As far as being negative, I know there are time, I can be down on myself but it usually doesn't last that long. I specifically remember the two instances where I was being negative which was the night I was on the phone explaining the shit about my car and how much I was a loser and this other night when I was faced with losing my job and possibly not even having a car PERIOD! I was extra hard on myself that night. Why? Who the hell knows but I am human right? The HELL!

So here I am in this spot, which has been lying heavily upon me. I want to make an attempt at getting back the friendship through a rare piece of vinyl that I have (and beat him out for a few months back) and see what happens. I don't want to make it like I am buying the friendship cause, well, if he wins it, he would be giving me the money. I see it like this (a) A valuable friendship is WAY more important to me than any piece of vinyl. I would give this piece up for friendship in a heartbeat. (b) I believe that when it comes to a really rare piece of vinyl that did cost me an arm and a leg and there were only 100 pressed, I want to share that with someone else who may not have had a chance to have it. Maybe I may be stupid with this but hey, it is worth a shot and in the punk/hardcore community it is a bit of an ethic to share our music. I already have 12 different pressings of this record, as it is really not THAT big of a deal to hold onto it. I have the one pressing that I really love hanging on my wall anyway.

So here are my questions:

What would you do in this situation?

Does it sound like I am whoring myself out in a way or could this be a creative way of renewing a valuable friendship?

Is this worth fighting for or should I just enjoy the friendship we had and move on?

Thanks for any advice here as I really value your opinions. Hopefully this can be taken seriously with no "shock" posts or any bullshit.


Kindest Regards, Your Fluff

[McNabbShouldDie]

So to make a long story short, I will try in a few sentences.

Ya really stuck to that plan...

Anyway, Im not sure what I would do in this situation if i were you cause this doesnt seem like something you caused. It seems like your friend was spending all his time with his new girlfriend, which is fucked up in my opinion. As the ol saying goes, bro's over ho's. If he was saying that youre too whiny and negative, maybe you shouldnt express your feelings around him as much if it bothers/annoys him. I dont know how to do it, but you should definetly fight to be friends with this cat if you really enjoyed being with him. If he doesnt feel the same way about you(yeah im making this seem like a boyfriend/girlfriend situation) then I guess theres not much more to do then just move on.

Good luck trying to get back with this friend, I know I would hate to lose one of my better friends over a chick.

<center><img src=http://members.aol.com/mcnabbshoulddie/myhomepage/rfnetmcnabbshoulddie.gif?mtbrand=AOL_US>

Good morning heartache, your like an old friend, come and see me again. - Rancid</center>

[Death Metal Moe]

I'm gonna make this real cut and dry for ya. DO NOT give this guy anything. That's bullshit.

You get him face to face and you ask him what the fuck. And if he won't meet you face to face, that tells you what your friendship means to him at this point. But you may want to cave and talk to him on the phone. DO NOT handle this over E-mails or through people, but I think you already knew that.

I had this problem too. A kid I grew up with suddenly one day decided that other kids were cooler than me. We had always at least kept in touch, but he suddenly Dr0pped me. I gave him a few chances actually, but then had to accept that people do grow apart, even after a long time.

So it may be kinda painful, but you must figure this out NOW and get a difinitive answer as to whether he's into hanging with you or if you are gonna move past him.

Good luck. Be strong. And post it up, BIATCH!

<IMG SRC=http://unhallowed.com/sigs/CreepySig.gif>
<A HREF="http://www.unhallowed.com">www.unhallowed.com</A>
DEATH FACTION/BACON FACTION 4 LIFE!!!
666%

[IrishAlkey]

I agree with Moe.

The devil must be wearing mittens.

<center>http://thereisnogod.faithweb.com/images/alkey2.gif</center><marquee><font color=r

[Death Metal Moe]

An could you type ONE POST withou Whining! CHRIST!



<IMG SRC=http://unhallowed.com/sigs/CreepySig.gif>
<A HREF="http://www.unhallowed.com">www.unhallowed.com</A>
DEATH FACTION/BACON FACTION 4 LIFE!!!
666%

This message was edited by Death_Metal Moe on 7-28-03 @ 3:28 AM

[Death Metal Moe]

I agree with Moe.

The devil must be wearing mittens


LOOK OUT! KAMIKAZE PIGS!

<IMG SRC=http://unhallowed.com/sigs/CreepySig.gif>
<A HREF="http://www.unhallowed.com">www.unhallowed.com</A>
DEATH FACTION/BACON FACTION 4 LIFE!!!
666%

[IrishAlkey]

http://www.therockalltimes.co.uk/2002/02/04/kamikaze-pig.gif

<center>http://thereisnogod.faithweb.com/images/alkey2.gif</center><marquee><font color=r

[fluffernutter]

Ok, I should have said I was gonna keep it short for the initial paragraph. The rest, I did run on.

Was I really whining there? If thats the case and I don't realise it maybe I am a whiner and I do need some psychiatric help.

Kindest Regards, Your Fluff

This message was edited by fluffernutter on 7-28-03 @ 3:39 AM

[Death Metal Moe]

NICE Google work Alkey!

Now:


Was I really whining there? If thats the case and I don't realise it maybe I am a whiner and I do need some psychiatric help.


You MUST know I was kidding.

But anyway, I will tell you that a friend of mine DID start to receive few calls recently when it became a chore to talk to him, but I always called him at least twice a week. I mean, are 2 10-20 minute conversations TOO MUCH to ask of someone I call my friend?

Now if it IS the girlfriend thing, try to be understanding but firm. Everyone knows that you can get caught up in a new chick, but he must be made to understand how you felt. You see I think you're thinking of this the wrong way. I understand it because I used to do this.

You seem to be blaming yourself already on certian levels. And you need to stop that. You may have been the problem at first with, but I don't think talking about some problems with your pal really constitutes whining. I think when you have a friend, you can talk to them about more than superficial topics.

So with that being said, he is the one that broke off your friendship, so this is his fault. He wasn't honest with you. He was rude. And HE might have let his new girlfriend become his entire life, which is at best unhealthy. So YOU need to go into this with friendship and understanding, but more importantly, a little attitude if you ask me. DO NOT sound needy! Just be honest.

This is really just expanding on what I said earlier so I will end it here. Sorry. Get this guy to meet you and talk it over.

<IMG SRC=http://unhallowed.com/sigs/CreepySig.gif>
<A HREF="http://www.unhallowed.com">www.unhallowed.com</A>
DEATH FACTION/BACON FACTION 4 LIFE!!!
666%

[fluffernutter]

Of COURSE I knew you were kidding Moe. I think i can tell that pretty well now.

I thought of one other thing and back in the dark ages when I had a girlfriend he was AS BAD if not worse than I apparently was. I mean he got really down low and he realised that soon (event hough it was a few years) his time would come. I had a streak there a few years back and now I have had the 2 year drought. He had a 5 year drought and has had a streak for almost 2 years now. I guess shit runs in cycles.

I have a three strike rule with me but I always seem to call the third strike so to speak without it even being pitched. I have always been taught to forgive and not to dwell on the past and only to live for tomorrow and no further. This is something I live by and you know, it causes me a lot of unnecessary stress, anger and negative enrgy. First time you screw me, OK, you're forgiven. Second time, I forgive but I know when to say enough is enough, time to go separate ways.

That happened once when a supposed good close friend told me "friends are more important than girlfriends" or bro's not ho's. I was still crushing on my ex pretty heavy at the time and she was digging my friend a little bit. Well, he fucked her and told me, get over it. Guys have a CODE and some shit just don't fly. I haven't spoken to him since.

I'm still thinking pretty heavy about putting the record up on eBay just to see what happens. Even if things don't pan out friendship wise, I know someone will be getting a mice piece for their collection and will be able to share like I did. Likely to happen? Probably not cause most people are not as giving as I can be.

Kindest Regards, Your Fluff

[Steels]

Girlfriend, success or fall ass into money your relationship wasn't all that solid if for ANY reason you stop hearing from a person. There are people that treat true friendship as such and others as a mere bridge to the next female or more interesting person/endeavor coming.

<Img src=http://members.aol.com/tromatizedtodd/sigpics/steels3.gif>

[jax]

You should talk to your friend and clear the air. What's wrong with that "mutual friend" you ran into? Why is your relationship with him any of her business and why would she want to tell you something so hurtful?

[fluffernutter]

Why is your relationship with him any of her business and why would she want to tell you something so hurtful?

To be honest, I am glad I found this out and she was and always has done things for my own good. She has been like a Mother figure to me at so many points and has always looked out for me. Besides, she thinks he is being pretty stupid at the same time.

I like to get a honest answer instead of pussy-footing around the actual deal. Shes got balls and pulls no punches and I like that in a person. Give it to me straight although you think it could be damaging.

Kindest Regards, Your Fluff

[mdr55]

Here's my advice. Kick that guy's ass (or at least try to). And if he still wants to be friends with you, problem solved. If not, you don't have to worry about his friendship anymore (plus you can get the satisfaction of kicking his butt). It works for me.
If you're having trouble starting a fight with him here's some help:
1. "So I'm a whiny and negative huh, FU"
2. "I'll give you this record, if you can kick my ass, but I don't think you can"
3. "Sniff, sniff. What do I smell? Oh it's you ass-hole."
4. "So what's it liked being whipped you weak ass mother fucker"
5. "You girlfriend is a F bitch, and so are you"
6. "What happened to us, we were like bros man. Comin, what you say buddy?" (Then sucker punch him).

Tell me if it works out.


This message was edited by mdr55 on 7-28-03 @ 12:29 PM

[ChrisTheCop]

Never trust third party information. Maybe your "whininess" came up in a conversation, but was that truly the reason he stopped hanging with you? Maybe it's her guess as to why. Maybe she wanted to hurt you. Maybe he said it, but didnt mean it--in other words, he told her cause she asked, but didnt wanna tell her the real reason so he just threw out "too whiny". In short (we've heard THAT before), Dont get hung up on the so called reason he disconnected, as it may not be true. Instead, focus on getting together with him, stating your case, and trying to work it out that way--face to face. Be direct. Ask the tough questions. Only then will you know why he did what he did, and only then can YOU decide if you want to put forth any effort to be his pal again. Keep in mind, as someone stated above, people do move on and out of our lives, but if you feel this friendship is worth holding on to, I wish you luck budday.

<img src="http://rfcop.50megs.com/images/aggiesox.gif">Go Saux!!! Thanx Aggie

[fluffernutter]

If you're having trouble starting a fight with him here's some help:

This would work if I was truly a human being without a soul and a conscience. Not saying you are but I don't and never have resorted to fighting. I hold nothing against the girlfriend casue I feel it was solely between us. Maybe I am too much of a pussy and I should just fucking kick his nancy ass around. But then again, what would be the manly and mature thing to do? ARRRGH! Thanks anyway 55.

Thanks for the consolation CTC. As far as the third party info goes, I trust her quite a bit and she has no reason to be like that towards me. At least I don't think so as I really don't have any burned bridges with anyone. Anyone important anyway.


Kindest Regards, Your Fluff

[high fly]

Moe and Chris gave you some great advice.
If you were that good a friends then he misses hanging out with you too.
Forget what the chick said, you need to have been there for the whole conversation to get the context of the remark.
forget the vinyl angle or trying to follow these punk standards about sharing your music.
Just call him up and say "hey, let's go pound some beers". When you do, don't talk about the good times you once had as much as you talk about the present. In other words, don't get all nostalgic.

" and they ask me why I drink"

[Death Metal Moe]

Moe and Chris gave you some great advice.


Like I'm not used to THAT!

::fixes hair in mirror::

Anyway, Please Upd@te us on what happened Fluff! I mean as long as it's not too painful or something.

<IMG SRC=http://unhallowed.com/sigs/CreepySig.gif>
<A HREF="http://www.unhallowed.com">www.unhallowed.com</A>
DEATH FACTION/BACON FACTION 4 LIFE!!!
666%

[fluffernutter]

So far nothing. I got some advice from some close friends of mine over the last few days and they were like, it won't hurt to give it a shot BUT we can't really speak for another.

I almost put the record up the other day but then I just stared at it and I was like "You know, this is some cool fucking wax and I am keeping it! Eat me!"

I am still pondering my move.

Kindest Regards, Your Fluff

[mdr55]

God damn man, your overanalyzing this thing. Just go over to this guys house and ask if he wants to hang, get some beers, whatever. The more you ask people for advice, the more you'll get analytical and overthink what you'll do to "say hi" and if your plans don't work out you'll be starting another thread analyzing what happened. The more you delay, the more difficult it will be for you to initiate the meeting. Just do it already.
If he was or ever was your close friend, then he will be again. If not, then you know he didn't value your friendship like you did his.



Stop the Turf Wars!

[sr71blackbird]

http://benjanaway.users.btopenworld.com/Graphics/Kramer.jpg
You love him....


Seriously, when you get to the point that you think that giving something valuable to get back what you lost may seem noble, but in fact its very depressing to do from your part. Please dont do that for anyone, man or woman. If someone cares for you, they wont leave you hanging. This guy may have gravitated away because his needs were being fulfilled by the woman. He will come around again, if it was "real" to him. My experiece is that women seek to break up friendships because it makes the guy more dependent on her, which is a bad thing that they dont realise. Id move on if I were you, and if he comes crawling back, give him the cold shoulder for a while to teach him a lesson.

http://members.aol.com/canofsoup15/images/bdf%20copy.gif


Many Thanks Soup!

[Death Metal Moe]

God damn man, your overanalyzing this thing. Just go over to this guys house and ask if he wants to hang, get some beers, whatever.


Indeed. If there's something bothering me, I HAVE to deal with it or it stays on my mind.

Just call or go over there and have it out so to speak.

<IMG SRC=http://unhallowed.com/sigs/CreepySig.gif>
<A HREF="http://www.unhallowed.com">www.unhallowed.com</A>
DEATH FACTION/BACON FACTION 4 LIFE!!!
666%

[fluffernutter]

So I guess this isn't the place anymore where I should feel comfortable expressing a problems to my peers.

Thanks.

Oh look! Fonzie is jumping the shark on WGN!

Kindest Regards, Your Fluff

[Reephdweller]

I get the same way when close relationships take a bad turn. Though I get more conforontational in the sense that I want to know why, what happened, why are we where are now, things like that. I'd rather find out directly and try and repair things. I'll also be the bigger man in that I'll even let whatever grievance or issue I might have had with the person slide in favor of saving the friendship. But I wouldn't go to the lengths you seem to be willing to go. This person if he's truly your friend will find his way back to you. When he does you need to have a sit down and explain what this whole experience has done to you.

<center><IMG SRC="http://www.osirusonline.com/reefdw15.jpg"></center>

<font size="1" color="red">
<marquee behavior=alternate bgcolor="#FFFFFF">right now you could care less about me...
but soon enough you will care, by the time Im done</marquee> </font>

[Death Metal Moe]

Don't be like that Fluff.

It just seems like you're trying to feel out the situation a little too much now.

Just act. It is time for you to find out what happened between you two. Period.

<IMG SRC=http://unhallowed.com/sigs/CreepySig.gif>
<A HREF="http://www.unhallowed.com">www.unhallowed.com</A>
Killing me is not enough to make me go away....

[Reephdweller]

So I guess this isn't the place anymore where I should feel comfortable expressing a problems to my peers.


Fluff, ignore the wiseasses who are not interested in helping you and rather the people who are. The ones who add nothing to the conversation I just go right over their comments. There are people here who care and we all try to help one another.

<center><IMG SRC="http://www.osirusonline.com/reefdw15.jpg"></center>

<font size="1" color="red">
<marquee behavior=alternate bgcolor="#FFFFFF">right now you could care less about me...
but soon enough you will care, by the time Im done</marquee> </font>

[dotsncoms]

the problem is adolesence. if you guys are still in your 20's then you will continue to harbor adolesent natures that peak. he has things in his past that are building and he is trying to sluff them off (whining). He won't give it a second thought if something is sending him. they are natural progressions in youth and growing. you will reconcil in a few years when things aren't as important.

<center><img src="http://msnusers.com/ronfez/documents/furballs/sigpic.jpg" height=100 width=100></center>I'm gunna turn it up a notch <center><img src="http://img.ranchoweb.com/images/aggie2323/badassbuddy_com-fishing.gif" height=50 width=50></center>

[fluffernutter]

Well, I found out. Friendship over. I feel the better person for it. His loss by far. Lock?

Kindest Regards, Your Fluff

[mdr55]

Dude, you want to talk about it? (It'll make you feel better to get it off your chest).

The Ron and Fez show transcends all boundaries.

[Reephdweller]

I feel the better person for it. His loss by far.


That is exactly right, this person made a mistake by lessening the value of the friendship you two shared, and by taking it for granted. It it totally his loss.

<center><IMG SRC="http://www.osirusonline.com/reefdw15.jpg"></center>

<font size="1" color="red">
<marquee behavior=alternate bgcolor="#FFFFFF">right now you could care less about me...
but soon enough you will care, by the time Im done</marquee> </font>

[Death Metal Moe]

Friendship over? What a douche bag! Where does he live?

Anyway, I have a new friend for you:

http://www.stomptokyo.com/img-m2/childs-play-2aa.jpg

Friend's till the end!

<IMG SRC=http://unhallowed.com/sigs/CreepySig.gif>
<A HREF="http://www.unhallowed.com">www.unhallowed.com</A>
Killing me is not enough to make me go away....

[fluffernutter]

Dude, you want to talk about it?


I really hope you're not serious?

I find it better from now on to keep things inside and let them boil and fester and eat away at my gut until I can taste the bitter acid and bile in my throat and then just fucking explode later with unberidaled hatred and anger upon some innocent unsuspecting piece of garbage.

Kindest Regards, Your Fluff

[Death Metal Moe]

Dude, you want to talk about it?


I really hope you're not serious?

I find it better from now on to keep things inside and let them boil and fester and eat away at my gut until I can taste the bitter acid and bile in my throat and then just fucking explode later with unberidaled hatred and anger upon some innocent unsuspecting piece of garbage.

Kindest Regards, Your Fluff

Dude, I think I just got a boner!

I understand Fluff. I actually do understand this emotion.

I won't tell you that talking will make it better because that's usually bullshit anyway. Just don't let the hate and white hot rage consume you. Use your anger.

<IMG SRC=http://unhallowed.com/sigs/CreepySig.gif>
<A HREF="http://www.unhallowed.com">www.unhallowed.com</A>
Killing me is not enough to make me go away....

[DC Reed]

Fluff asked me to lock this thread.

<IMG SRC="http://dcreed.freeservers.com/images/dcrampage.gif">

<marquee behavoir