View Full Version : Mother-Daughter Communication
09-04-2003, 04:47 AM
This thread is about the relationship, or lack thereof that i have with my Mother. So please, id ask all wisecracks or whatever to be spared since this is already a touchy subject for me, and i know a bad joke would really make me upset/angry, Thanks.
Growing up until about age 13 i was very very close with my Mom. Then when i hit 14 i started pulling away, i don't know why, maybe the whole "teenage movement". You know, "fuck your parents, treat them like shit" thing but that wasnt me i really just kinda shut down when it came to communication. Especially with her, i was at a loss and i still am. I used to live with her until her and my Dad divorced less than a year ago. The divorce wasnt unexpected but it was still a divorce nonetheless. They had been seperated for nearly 4 years, all of which i had lived with my Mom during. Now i live with my Dad and we communicate fine(as fine as a Father and Daughter can without pushing the maximum boundaries) but i STILL don't talk to my Mother. I mean you literally have to hold the phoen to my ear and kick me to speak. It doesnt help either that everytime i start talking she has something rude to say about my Dad, and i say the same thing over and over "I am calling for you to talk to me about you and me, not Dad" which always results, her crying and me screaming and hurling the phone against the wall or hanging up.
I know this isnt a typical Mother-Daughter relationship and now it's starting to hit me that she IS going to be gone one day and im going to have to live with knowing that i kept her away all these years but for the life of me i CANNOT talk to her like a normal person , It just never happens.
Is there anything i could do to solve this or at least make it tolerable to talk to her and am i wrong in my actions, is she, or both?.Etc.
*Note* We've tried Counceling and it didn't prove successful.
<center><font color=white>Thanks Aggie!!</font>
-Just smile all the time-</center>
09-04-2003, 05:16 AM
[color=purple]There is no wrong or right here. You feel how you feel, as does she. If you really wanna start anew with your mom, saying what you've said here is probably a good place to begin.
You admit that as you entered into teenagedom, you started to pull away and treat her like shit. Now, as you're set to leave your teenage years behind you, maybe an official apology could help to set the tone for a new and improved relationship?
Obviously your mom still harbors a lot of resentment towards your dad, and with you living with him, she may fear he has an ally. Make sure she knows that your not wanting to hear her talk badly about him doesn't mean you're on *his side,* but rather is due to your loving them both and wanting to stay neutral.
Also, the pain is still fresh for everyone involved. But never under estimate the value of time. Some of that, combined with your new found sense of awareness, can work wonders.
Good luck, I know you can make this happen!
Much thanks to CZM for the killer, yet not currently working, sig pic
This message was edited by GaryWyze on 9-4-03 @ 5:20 AM
09-04-2003, 06:38 AM
The saying "time heals all wounds" is true. There can be several things at play that can cause the rift between the two of you. First it's common for people when their younger to distance themselves from their parents (not saying it's the case here, but it could be one factor), your mom doesn't seem to be helping the situation by being rude either. But generally over the course of time things will ease up. Though if your mom is stubborn then it will take longer.
At some point in time she will likely want to communicate with you more often, and she will have to learn that you don't like it when she's rude or says the things about your dad that she does, or going into her various tantrums. If she does than I think things will get better between the two of you.
One thing you can do at some point down the road, is possibly take her out to lunch (somewhere public to avoid loud arguments) where you two can sit and talk about things in a rational way. Tell her the various things that bother you and try to work them out with you. Your mom may still be looking at you like a little girl and not realize that you're mature and might walk away from the talk being more respectful of you as a grown woman. Things like this I think help bridge the gap that can occur.
<font size="1" color="red">
<marquee behavior=alternate bgcolor="#FFFFFF">right now you could care less about me...
but soon enough you will care, by the time Im done</marquee> </font>
09-04-2003, 07:50 AM
The very fact that you took the time to type this shows that your a feeling and caring person who understands right from wrong and values her relationship with her mom. I use to have issues with my father because he is a control freak and he would make it very stressful on everyone. What I have found over the years is that people push you as far as you allow them to. By setting up rules that she must respect or will suffer a penalty (lack of communication) she wil learn what you will allow. I started to establish code words with my father, that I would use as he was approaching my tolerence threshold. Id hold up my palm and say '' Control!" and hed get the message that he was at the point.
I hope I helped.
Many Thanks Soup!
09-04-2003, 09:48 AM
I wish I had an answer to give. All I have to offer is the wish that it all works out for the best for you and your mom. Good luck.
In my opinion, there's nothing in this world beats a '52 Vincent and a red headed girl.
09-04-2003, 09:55 AM
Women have different relationships with their mothers than men do.
From the time we're little, we try to get as independant and far away from our mothers as possible because in the most basic sense, they're our rivals for our father's attention. I never had an awful relationship with my mother, but I can't say we talk. Even now, when I respect her and love her more knowing everything she went through as a mom, I really don't talk to her. I just simulate conversation.
Honestly, ignore her and accept that you won't have a relationship as friends maybe, but that she's your mom and you can show you love her by simply pretending to listen.
If that makes sense to you then you're set.
<font size="3" color="red">AND WHAT?</font></center><font color="FBF2F7">
09-04-2003, 10:24 AM
Nothing is going to be solved over night, it's going to take time.
1. If you're not doing it now, send her birthday cards (on her birthday of course), christmas cards, stuff like that to let her know that you ARE at least thinking of her.
2. Keep calling her (no need to have a lenghty conversation), and just say Hi. You stated that when you do call her, all she does is complain about your dad- instead of getting angry, JUST LISTEN (maybe she has no one else she can express her feelings too). Then after she is done, let her know that no matter what happened between her and your dad, you're still and will always be her daughter and if she wants to talk-you'll be there for her.
3. If she doesn't live too far away from you, why don't you just Dr0p by and say hello. It'll be awkward ofcourse but it's a little more personal than the phone. (She'll ofcourse talk about your dad because she most likely has nothing to talk about that she feels may have in common with you to talk about)
4. Most of ALL- our PARENTS are not perfect, they're fucked up like the rest of us (even if we believe otherwise)- so remember that. You can never go back to where things were with your mom when you were 13 cuz both of you are in different stages in your lives. Of course your mom will be mad at times (due to talking about your dad) and you'll get angry because of this (after all you want to talk to her about you&her not about dad&her). It's normal.
But before I lose my train of thought (thinking too hard hurts my brain).......just keep the communication lines open and don't be judgemental and stuff like that........I'm losing it already, sorry...so just try and make sense of what I've said above.
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09-04-2003, 10:48 AM
When dealing with difficult situations with people I am close to, I have always found it easier to write them a letter rather than try to talk to them. For one thing, in a letter, I can make sure I get all my points across without interruption. I can also keep it low key so there is no escalation to argument, showing the person I am trying to work things out rather than fight.
If you choose to do this, I recommend writing it carefully with a gentle tone. And use a lot of what the shrinks call "I statements," as in "I feel thus and so when this thing happens," rather than "You make me feel thus and so." Be conciliatory and talk about the pieces of the problem you know you are responsible for before you get to the things you believe she should take responsibility for. Begin and end with I love you's and emphasize the idea that you want to try to improve the things that are wrong in your relationship.
You can either send it to her and say let's talk about this in person later or you can write me back so we can work this out civilly, or you can see her in person and hand it to her and let her read it in front of you, explaining the reason you wrote it was to make sure you could tell her everything you are feeling without arguing with her. Depends on her personality which course of action you should take.
Even with the best mother/daughter relationships (I was a lucky one), there is just some kind of weirdness that happens during a girls teen years. It's inevitable. It usually works itself out to some degree by your early to mid-20s. But there will always be a piece of of you that wants to push her the fuck away from you, while at the same time a piece of you that wants, no, needs her to gather you up in her arms and hold and rock you like a baby. You can't help but love and resent her at the same time.
My heart goes out to you. I've been through it (not to the degree you're going through it, though) and I dread the day my little girl pulls away from me, though I know it will happen.
And if it doesn't work out, I'll adopt you, hon.
09-04-2003, 10:49 AM
take some time and write her a letter and let her know how you feel and let her know that you love her....
then take it in small 'time' increments, start out with simple things like meeting for a cup of coffee.
Then maybe dinner and the next time do some shopping together.
Sometimes in relationships you have to leave the past behind. See if you can get Mom to agree to not talk about the past and for both of you to live for today and the future. If she seems to be unable to leave the past behind, don't get upset. Just say "Mom, I love you but I prefer not to talk about it and i'll call you in a few days" Maybe after several times of refusing to speak about it but you still let her know you love her it will open her eyes and make her stronger to leave the bad feelings behind.
Best Of Luck!
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