Clusterfuck Funeral

[sr71blackbird]

_____This Tuesday and Wednesday I was at my grandmothers funeral. Aside from my ordeal at the hotel (previously posted discussion), there was a number of really bad "mistakes" made at the funeral services by both the funeral home and the church itself. Some background.. My grandmother had spent several years in California as an aide for a TV broadcasted Catholic church. She lived there for a few years after my grandfather died and until her health started to decline. Afterward, my family moved her back to the tri state area and she settled in Toms River NJ and she again started helping out a local church.
______Unfortunatly, she suffered a stroke one night in her sleep and wasnt discovered until the next morning by my cousin, but the damage was done. She was crippled by it and had to be put into a nursing home. She lived like that for 6 years until she suffered another stoke that completely wiped out her ability to care for herself and she ended up in a coma that she would never recover from. Her children made the decison after seeing her like this for a few months that it was better for her to be removed from life support and medicated until she passed away, and thats what they did. She died on Sunday.
______We went to the funeral home and they had her name spelled wrong, but they corrected it after we complained. Then, on the last day, my uncles and aunt go to settle the bill and the funeral home had forgotten to include all these extra fees and my family pretty much had to pull out their wallets and dig around for change to get the thing settled.
______We head over to the church and I was a pall bearer and when we get in, this deacon is suppose to read this prayer and say a few words before the church services and this guy was completely unable to read the paper in front of him. It was extremely uncomfortable to witness and at one point her turned to a woman next to him and asked her what the word was he was pointing to and she said "God". I wanted to scream out at several points "Hey! If you cant read the fucking words, get someone who can!!" but I didnt. I looked at my cousin and she was fuming.
______We brought her casket down to the front of the church and another priest starts the mass and says her name wrong, but corrects himself after hearing a few gasps and obviously referring to a paper. It was obvious that the words he was saying were written out, and up to the point where is says.. "And God called __say name here__ home" and he would look to another page to read her name. It seemed very unprofessional and very obvious that he didnt "know" her. Then, he decided to use this occasion to make a statement about the churches stance on abortion or "allowing" the elderly to die because it is "inconvienient" and selfish.
______Meanwhile, what he was describing was actually what the family had to do to end her life with any form of dignity. It was clear that the priest had no history of my grandmother and and how she died, and while his words were made in general, I felt like it was a real bad time to make such a statement! I keep thinking that the church keeps complaining about declining attendance and how they are cash strapped and I think this has something to do with it. Needless to say, the past few days have been a nightmare for me and it is largely the fault of the funeral home and the church; the two places whos services are suppose to provide relief for tortured spirits.


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This message was edited by sr71blackbird on 7-29-04 @ 6:41 PM

[Mike Teacher]

Yow.

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[JerryTaker]

Then, he decided to use this occasion to make a statement about the churches stance on abortion or "allowing" the elderly to die because it is "inconvienient" and selfish.


That's got to be the most innapropriate, most horrendous thing I've ever heard. People want to kill celebrities for speaking thier mind, but this is just selfish to the highest degree, and so much more wrong, and one of many reasons why I skipped the religion bus.

I'm sorry for your loss man, no matter what the jerkoff says who feels he's above you because he's wearing some expensive robes, (wonder why they're so strapped for cash?) It was the right thing for your family to do.



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[Mike Teacher]

My first Yow was me actually being speechless, and having No idea how to respond.

And Jerry seems to have nailed it on the Head. Thats how I feel. I dont care What belief I might hold, that is Not The Time for That.

And also agreed; the psychology of Uniforms is something I studied a bit of because Richard Feynman's father was in the Uniform business, and saw that the people who came in were all the same, no one above anyone else, but for some reason some put on a Uniform, and they feel they have some.. hell whats the word, Authority over others. Weak word someone help me here.

=

I know it's tough not to dwell on the negative, but your grandmother is out of pain and on her way to wherever it is she's going, so with her? things are a-ok, and that matters most.

Sorry again. I feel this post does Nothing.


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[Jack_Doff]

Priests can be terrible and I don't mean anything about the molestation issues. I think the main part of the funeral is to comfort those who are still here, because we are being stared down by something that terrifies us. Unfortunately, the priests sometimes use the ceremony for their own personal use, to get across to the people in attendance who don't go to church what the church's official take on things is. On many levels, I think the church is just a giant propaganda machine.

When I was younger, I was an altar boy and volunteered to serve a funeral for an older friend's brother who died at 20. At the end, the casket's brought to the end of the church where it is blessed again before transport to the cemetary. When the priest started the final prayer, the mother of the dead son started bawling. The priest looked at her and said (no shit, this is exactly what he said) "SHUT UP, HELEN!"

I felt bad for her because the priest wasn't more sympathetic, just interested in going through the steps necessary to the process. It seems like your priest was doing the same. Hopefully, you and your family did gain some sort of closure from it.

[sr71blackbird]

I appreciate the support, and I keep asking people in my family what their reaction would have been if I had tried to stop the butchering of the services and have them bring someone in who could do it right, but everyones telling me it should have fallen on the shoulders of her children to say anything. That if I did say something, it would have caused a scene. Just curious though, I am just a grandchild, but what would any of you do?

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[reeshy]

Sorry for yuor loss....but I think you did the right thing in keeping quiet....I think that it would have caused all the heat to fall on your shoulders and you would have gotten all the blame....it's a shame what happened....but plans always have a way of going wrong....just keep your Grandma's memory alive.....

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