My Grandmother is Dying

[Katylina]

About a month ago my Grandmother went into the hospital to have surgery on her torn rotater cuff. They weren't sure if she was going to make it because of her weak heart.

Now, a month later, she is still in the hospital-- still in excruciating pain in her shoulder, and they told her that she has Cancer. It's in her bones and spreading quickly.

I feel numb. She was supposed to watch me get married, whenever that happens. She was supposed to meet my children, when I have them. She was always so strong. We were so alike in so many ways. My mom said the genes always skipped her and went right into me. I think hearing my mother sobbing makes me feel worse than anything. Misery makes me uncomfortable, and I don't know how to deal with it. I come off seeming cold and aloof when inside I am crying just as much as the other person.

I can express in writing what I cannot express in words. I am so sad, and I do not know what to do wtih myself.

How does one deal with someone who is dying? What do you say to them? What do I do? I just don't know anymore. I just don't know what to do with myself.


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This message was edited by Katylina on 8-25-04 @ 2:00 PM

[reeshy]

Katylina,

I am so sorry...I really don't know what to say to you. I lost both of my grandparents, a sister, my wife...and I still don't have any words of wisdom...I wish I did...I'll pray for her...and for you!!!!!!! Just love her as much as you can and be with her!!!!

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This message was edited by reeshy on 8-25-04 @ 2:05 PM

[Furtherman]

Spend as much time as you can with her. I feel that I could have spent more time with my grandmother but I love the time we did spend together.

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[SilentSpic]

Katylina,

I am so sorry...I really don't know what to say to you. I lost both of my grandparents, <strike>a sister, my wife...</strike>and I still don't have any words of wisdom...I wish I did...I'll pray for her...and for you!!!!!!! Just love her as much as you can and be with her!!!!

What he said.

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[TheMojoPin]

I had to deal with the same thing when my Grandmother was dying of emphysema. I was literally terrified of having to be around her since we knew the end was coming...I actually opted to not go see her in the hospital because of those feelings. Eventually I worked up the nerve to visit her right before she was discharged, and the look on her face when she saw me instantly made all of my fears of her death go away. This was my Grandmother, and I just wanted to be around her and love her and hold her and spend as much time with her as possible.

She died at home about a year later, peacefully, in her sleep, and I spent as much time as possible seeing her before that happened. Because of that, when she was gone, the pain didn't feel as bad as it could have. I was happy that she was in a place where she wouldn't be in pain anymore.

Just remember, no matter what she's going through, she's still your grandmother, and that's all that matters.

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[hyperspace]

by the time we found out my dad had cancer it was too late. unsuccesfull surgery and 10 months of chemo did nothing. he died a year to the date of his operation. i spent as much time with him as i could and stayed with him in the hospital for 3 1/2 weeks till he died. i don't know what else to say except be there and do the best you can.

[Alice S. Fuzzybutt]

Hang in there, hun!

As Reeshy said, enjoy the time you have with her. Cherish it. (I've been through this.) You have a gift. Enjoy it for as long as you have it. Talk to her. Share stories, thoughts, dreams, and hopes with her. Also, ask her about everything! You'll appreciate it later.

Your family is in my thoughts and prayers.

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Thanks M1! Again!

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[FUNKMAN]

Sorry to hear the bad news Katy. Stay strong and just be there for her when you can.

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[Uncle Smokey]

Same thing the others have said, do what you can to spend as much time with her as possible.
My grandmother came down with inoperable lung cancer when I was 12. I spent Wednesdays and Fridays with her after school, since for some reason the schoolbus didnt run those days and my she happened to live within walking distance. Before she got sick, she was an incredibly vital, active, vibrant woman who took me on vacation with her down in florida and took me to swim in the surf off palm beach, teaching me the names of every bird and fish we happened to come across.
It was terrifying to me to watch her slowly fade the way she did. We'd sit together and talk, and I'd pretend to do homework while she watched soap operas, and sometimes I'd see her adjust her turban and in a fleeting second id catch a glimpse of her head, bald as a stone, shining in the glare of her reading lamp.
Knowing what I know now, and remembering her as I do, there is nothing in this world I would trade for those days.
There is a tiny, painful gift in knowing that someone you love has limited time to spend with you. Try your best to embrace that gift. You may never share with her the things you hoped you might, but you can still create memories that you'll carry in your heart forever.

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[Evilpete]

Katylina,

I know how it feels to know someone is not going to be leaving the hospital (sorry, only words I can think of), I had an uncle who was like a father to me live his last months in a hospital. I had to take my aunt (who has Parkenson's Disease) to and from the hospital everyday and be with him. It was rough to see him in there, not to mention to see my aunt going through all this as well. All I do know is that whenever I came into the room, his face lit up and he would often tell me how happy he was to be there and how grateful he was that I was taking his wife to and from the hospital (I had to stop working/looking for a job to do this, but hey they were family).

The only thing I can say is waht has been said here earlier...spend as much time as you can with her, Make sure that whatever time is left is spent in the happiness and joy family can bring

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[keithy_19]

Kat...I really can't tell you much. I'm not that close to my grandparents. What I can do is keep you and your grandmother in my prayers. Stay strong.

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[Katylina]

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I went to see her today, and it seems I arrived after the emotional part, so all was calm when I got there.

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[monsterone]

keep your head up kat

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[Reephdweller]

I'm sorry to hear that Kat. I lost my only grandmother about a month ago and it was pretty hard. I say she was my only because my mom's mother passed away before I was born so I grew up only knowing one. She was very much old world Italian and it made her such a character, but she was also very sweet. Plus she made amazing cookies!!

It's sad sometimes that life has to be this way, things happen for whatever reasons beyond our control. The only thing I can suggest is that you spend as much time with her as you can. Unfortunately no matter what it will be very difficult. The best you can do is be there for her and your mom through this. Sometimes it's the hard experiences we go through in life that help shape us into being the person we ultimately become in life. I've read many stories of people who for 1/4 of their life or even half their life they were a certain way, and then some event or experience alters them and from then on they're changed forever. Some people go on life missions for whatever ailed their loved ones, and others just become stronger emotionally. These are just examples and I know that this probably doesn't help much, but it's unfortunate that sometimes we have to go through these things. Your family is in my thoughts.

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[A.J.]

My grandfather had something similar -- he went in to see why his couldn't fully elevate his arm, then they found leukemia.

It was sad to watch a strong and active man be weakened physically. But, we made the most of the time we had left. I think I got to know my grandfather better in the last couple of years of his life than in the preceding 30. Yeah, I too wish he could have seen me get married (shit -- or even get a date) but he's ALWAYS with me now.

To answer your question what do you say/what do you do? Make the most of the time you have left and say what you feel...from the heart. You never want to say "I wish I had could have told her __" or "I wish I had done ___."

I wish you and your family well.

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[Justice4all]

Kat, I know just how you feel. On my 32nd birthday I was in North Carolina watching the hockey playoffs when I got the call from my family to wish me a happy birthday. When my grandmother got on the phone to talk to me I knew something was wrong.
2 Days later she died.
I know it is difficult for you to deal with this and you have all of my empathy. You will be strong. I know you can be. As I had told Scott (Tool) that in death that is her way of always being with you. She will still be with you no matter what. But she is not gone yet. Appreciate your time with her. Sit with her. Be with her. In the end you will feel SO much better about what you did. Talk about life. I am sure she will want to hear about everything that is going on with you. Make her last days fun and with laughter. It will be a very rough road but in the end you will find yourself full of joy more then sorry.
That is a promise.

If you need anyone to talk to....feel free to PM me or call me anytime. (After the 20 other people who have offered their services as listeners...you popular thing you) I have been there so I know how your heart feels.

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[Melrapuo]

Hey Kat. I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother. Keep your hopes up and cherish every moment you have with her, and stay strong.

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[Contra]

Kat, I hope you spend as much time as you can with her. Like everyone has said, it will ease the passing. I lost my grandmother to cancer a few months ago, and my other grandmother is going through treatment for cancer. I can very much sympathize with your situation. I also seem drawn and cold in these situations, when really I feel horrible and very upset. I wish the best to you in this difficult time.

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[reeshy]

Kat,


My grandmother died when I was 21 years old....I had just graduated from the police academy and was still living at home...she lived downstairs from me so I saw her everytime I came home.

When I used to walk in the back door from a 4 to 12 tour, she would hear me and jump up from her bed and make me something to eat...this was while she was dying form stomach cancer,,,I used to tell her not to do that but she would just look at me with her Irish smile and say "But I love my first-born Grandson...you make me so proud"....I still miss her and love her very much!!

I know that your Grandmother has a special place in her heart for you....never forget that and cherish it!!!! She will be with you forever!!!!

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This message was edited by reeshy on 8-27-04 @ 2:16 AM

[sr71blackbird]

Sweety, I hope you hang in there and be strong for her. I know how much this has upset you and my prayers are with you and your family. Im sure you inherited your determination from her!

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[mdr55]

So sorry to hear about your grandmother.

Like everyone said above, spend time with her. Focus on her living and not at her dying. I never really "talked" to my dad or grandmother when they were alive but after they passed away I learned alot of things about them from family and friends that I didn't know about them. I always took for granted that they would always be there.

When I used to work in a nursing home, many people referred to it as the last stop before dying. I never focused on that aspect while I worked there- I focused on them living. I learned alot of things from many of the people I met there and they also learned alot from me. It's not about when you die but how you choose to live while we're still here. Like the scene from shallow Hal where he went to the children's severly burned unit and treated them as regular kids.

[Katylina]

Thank you everyone. I saw my Grandmother on Sunday, and that was the last day she was able to talk to us. Yesterday, at 4 am she slipped into a coma. She's still in a coma today, but her body has a fever. It's very hard. We all stand around her bed, and my poor mom has been by her bedside non-stop for three days. Thank you for all of your support.

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[FUNKMAN]

Hang in there Kristi. Keep an eye on Mom and support each other.

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[badorties]

everyone i've ever lost died suddenly, and unexpectedly ...

i don't know which is worse waking up and being told that a loved one has passed; or watching someone you cherish fade away, but being able to say goodbye ...?


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[Jennitalia]

I'm really sorry, Kristi. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

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[Justice4all]

Kristi....you have every ounce of energy I can send to you. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I hope things go quickly and without incident and your grandmother has no more pain to deal with. You are a very strong and good person. It will be hard but I know you can do this. It seems you have alot of your grandmother inside you (from what you say about her)
You have my number, please call me and let me know if there is anything I can do. Feel good in the fact that you are there for her...even when she cannot see you now...she will know it when she is gone and is able to be with you always.

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[reeshy]

Kristi,

PM me anytime if you need to talk..you know I walked the same paththat you are right now..all my love, Kevin!!!

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[Duke]

my grandpa was sick for a vary long time he got dibeates when he was 70 and he died when he was 78 i only rember him being sick and he would be fine sometimes and others he wouldent.. intill finally late march 03 he fell into a coma and they did surgery on him... he was never the same he would say things that would make sence his mind was fired...i visted him almost every weekend till he died on June 6th i will always regret not seeing him the thrusday he died but knowing i got to see him all that time it helped heel the pain + i lived with him for a year and a half when my mom couldent find a house... so i try to rember the good times

my prayers are with you kat...

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[Evilpete]

Kat,

I"ll be praying for you and yout family through this difficult time. If you need someone to talk to, PM me or IM me, and I'll see what I can do to make you feel better.

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[reeshy]

Duke,


AS much as I bust your balls everynow and then,, always remember you grandfather..you probably learned something from him...be good!!!

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[Katylina]

Well, my grandmother passed away at 4 am. My mother and Aunt Roseanne were there with her at the hospital when it happened. Last night I went to my grandmother's house to gather up all of the pictures in order to make the displays. I am sure she is with my grandfather now, and thank goodness her body does not have to suffer any longer. Thank you, again, to everyone for your support.

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[reeshy]

Oh Kat,

I'm so sorry....I hope that you are alright....I'll say many prayers for her......God Bless Her!!!!!

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[RF Godfather]

I'm sorry to hear that Kat. Your grandmother will be in my thoughts and prayers.

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[earthseawitch]

Kat,
I know that everyone has sent their blessings and prayers. Know that even strangers are hurting for you (I have lost all my younger siblings) and that because you were close and loved each other, the pain is that much more. You will be in my thoughts. Please know that.

[Aggie]

I'm so sorry Katylina. There's not much I can say but you and your family are in my thoughts and have my deepest sympathies. I went through this 2 years ago when BOTH of my grandmother's dies within a month of each other. I had no idea what to do.

I linked the thread I started on this board so you can read other's thoughts about death even though some have posted in this thread also. I pray you and your family can feel some comfort in this hard time.


More Thoughts.... (http://www.ronfez.net/messageboard/viewmessages.cfm/Forum/52/Topic/15442/page/How_do_you_deal_with_death_.htm)

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[sr71blackbird]

I am deepy sorry for your loss. Have faith that her suffering is at an end and she is at peace. If you need anything at all, let me know.

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[Alice S. Fuzzybutt]

Kat,

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Keep the faith.

~Petrina

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Thanks Reefdwella!

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[Hottub]

Kat, I have been following this thread since day one, but have not replied because I did not want my heart-felt feelings to be diluted by simply typing on a messageboard.

Oh well, I'm typing on a messageboard.


I am truly sorry, and wish you and all of your family our (me, Sandy, Sean, and Kevin) deepest condolences. Stay strong woman, and always cherish the good times.

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This message was edited by Hottub on 9-1-04 @ 9:15 PM

[Reephdweller]

Kristi, I'm very sorry. Your grandmother and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

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[INFOSTUD]

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

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[FMJeff]

my grandma has altheimers...growing old just sucks...

sorryt o hear about your grandma

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[ThePointer]

Dear Kristi I just the posts and I offer my condolences and wish I could just hug you. I know exactly how you have been feeling. I just went through the same thing with my father. I took him to the hospital and heard the diagnosis of spinal cancer and then back and forth each day to radiation traetment and then for IV therapy every three weeks. I went through what you have watching the disease take it's toll until he finally passed away on Mother's day.

If you need anything or even an ear to chew on PM or even write a note here I am in Queens

you have two choices: Castration or a one way ticket to New York

[Katylina]

Thank you again everyone. Today was the wake, and my friend, Ryan, showed up during the evening one. I will be eternally grateful to him and my other friends who have been there for me throughout this. I have another group of my best friends coming tomorrow evening. I don't know what I would do without them. Thank you especially to my ron and fez friends who have done so much in support. I always say I have two groups of friends-- the ones I am with every weekend and the ones from ronfez.net. We are lucky to have such a great group of people.

Yesterday morning, I made 4 poster board displays of my grandmother over the years. I just thought I would post them here in honor of Grandma's memory. I finally put those arts and crafts teacher skills to good use:

The early years:

http://64.177.177.182/katylina/earlyyears.JPG

In love (with Grandpa):
http://64.177.177.182/katylina/inlove.jpg

Our family:
http://64.177.177.182/katylina/ourfamily.JPG

Forever more:
http://64.177.177.182/katylina/forevermore.JPG

If someone could help resize those to make them smaller, please do so!

Thank you again!
Kristi

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This message was edited by Katylina on 9-2-04 @ 10:37 PM

[fiestygal]

sorry this is late babe


*HUGS*

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[JPMNICK]

Kat -

I have been away on buisness, but I am so sorry to hear about this. Those posters you made for her were amazing. I am sure everyone will enjoy looking at them at the wake. best wishes to you and your family.

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[reeshy]

Your grandma looks like a very pretty lady...I can see who takes after her!!!!

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[earthseawitch]

You did some beautiful poster work, Kat.....May the pictures be a reminder of wonderful times together...

[zathrus]

Kat,
sorry about your grandmother. she is with your grandfather and is no longer in pain.


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