I know i'm supposed to see someone, but I can't afford a shrink.
What I'm going to say below isn't intended to start board hostilities, but I think in particular instance it needs to be said.
The Horde King version of this forum would have been very good for what you're going through. Some people were critical of the Horde King, but I can say from my own experiences of depression that he brought something unique to this place. Granted people can say go see a doctor or a shrink or what have you, but what the Horde King managed to bring to the table was the free flow of ideas from others on the board. People shared their own experiences and we all joined in on helping one of our own. I had to say it, I know it sort've deviates from the subject but I had to say it.
Now, looking at the problems you listed you have to be told this by someone and I guess it will be me. I'm not saying this be cruel. But the fucking problem is YOU. You are the solution to your problem. You have no money, yet you drink your money away in a bar every night. You smoke cigarettes which is another huge cost.
You mentioned that you have no self esteem. I went through this a few years ago myself and I solved this problem on my own. I sat down and layed out all of my problems what I need to fix. I noted my problems that would take a long time to fix and I noted the ones that could be fixed quicker. I then went about going after the small problems and after I go through my first problem I felt a 1000% better. I was then craving the opportunity to solve my next problem. Now when I say problems they can be anything in life. Whether is it quitting something, or building something, repairing something, learning something, whatever. Just so long that at the end of the day when you've completed it that you feel really good about having gone through the experience and fixing it. My biggest problem right now is getting and staying in shape, as well as saving money. Now there are many times that I feel like things are friggin bleak. But I don't quit. Like you I work at a fucking job I hate, in a company I don't want to be in, but that's the lot in life I have right now.
As hard as things get for me at times I never lose my confidence because I know now after solving a lot of my problems that I am the key to my success. I am the reason why I need to get in shape, or I am the reason I need to get back to saving money. These are my demons, but I am going to fucking solve them if it kills me.
I really think you have to work at trying to solve some of those problems, taking them on one by one and as you knock them down try telling me that it doesn't feel great. That your confidence doesn't shoot up.
As for your relationship problems. It again comes down to you building confidence. Now I'm guessing you have more problems than the ones you listed. I'm sure some of them aren't so serious, but they're out there. Try fixing them and work from there. I can honestly say that the person I am today and the way I feel about myself and my outlook is a complete 180 degree turn from where I was even three or four years ago.
I remember about three years ago having to pull over on the side of the road just after work with tears streaming out of my eyes. I had no idea what was bringing it on, but I knew I needed help. I didn't hire a therapist or anyone, but in a weird way I managed to find my inner strength and I climbed out of that emotional hell I was going through and I have never looked back.
I don't know if any of this helpful to you or not, but its the truth and the only truth worth hearing is that the problem and the solution is you. You need to solve your problems. Plus you have this place and there are a lot of great people here who will support you and encourage you to keep fighting. You can do it.
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