Butt sex gone aflutter

[Iamnotatool]

This is very long, but I know you people can handle it. I promise a big payoff of laughter at the end of both of these. They are separate stories...



I spent the summer between my 2nd and 3rd year of college suckling on the parental teat in South Florida. It was the absolute prime of my "do anything to get laid" phase. I was recently freed from a 4-year long-distance relationship that began in high school and I wanted nothing more than to have sex with as many girls as possible.


Most of the things I did that summer are not story-worthy; you can only tell the same, "I got drunk on Dom and fucked this hottie" story so many times before it gets annoying. That summer I experienced every random sex situation that a 20 year old can imagine: fucking on the beach, getting head from random girls in club bathrooms, sleeping with 3 different girls in a day, getting so drunk I passed out during sex, getting arrested for receiving fellatio in the pool at the Delano, blah, blah, blah.Jesus. What does it say about how fucked up my life is that I don't consider these stories to be extraordinary anymore?


Anyway, while most of my stories may not be extraordinary for me, there is one very notable exception.


I was seeing one girl, "Jaime," about twice a week. She was a fresh arrival to South Beach, having moved there 5 months ago from upstate New York as a 19 year old with a modeling contract. We met through a mutual friend who befriended her while they were shooting a TV commercial. Five weeks and lots of sex later, she thought we were dating. I knew better, but she was way too hot to bother correcting her assumption.


The ex-girlfriend of 4-years I previously spoke about was very sexually conservative. It was missionary in the dark and then straight to sleep, with maybe a blowjob on the weekends if she'd had a few glasses of wine with dinner (it was a high school relationship, I didn't know any better). After four years of this, I was ready to experience all the things I'd missed out on (when I wasn't cheating on her, of course).


Buttsex, known in the biz as "anal," was one of these unknowns, and I decided that I wanted to try it. Jaime was the perfect partner: very hot and very sweet, and more importantly, very na‹ve and very open to suggestion.


She was reluctant at first, not understanding why we just couldn't keep having normal sex, so I had to employ my persuasive powers:


Jaime "But.I've never done it."
Tucker "I've never done it either; it can be our thing."


Jaime "But.I don't know if I'll like it."
Tucker "You won't have to worry about getting pregnant."


Jaime "But.I like normal sex."
Tucker "Everyone's doing anal. It's the `in' thing."

Jaime "But.I don't know.it seems weird."
Tucker "It's the preferred method in Europe. Especially with the runway models. Don't you want to do runways in Europe?"


After a few weeks of this, she finally consented. Though she agreed to let me put my penis in her small hole, she extracted a promise in return:


"OK, we can try anal sex, but I want it to be special and romantic. You have to take me out to a nice place, like The Forge or Tantra, NOT one of your parent's restaurants, and it has to be a weekend night, NOT a Monday. And you have to keep taking me out on weekends. I'm tired of being your Monday night girl."


I made reservations for the next Friday at Tantra. Aside from being insanely expensive, Tantra is famous for having grass floors. Really; they put in new sod every week. They also advertise their food as "aphrodisiac cuisine." Yes, at that point in my life, I thought these things worked.


Thanks to my father's connections, I got us a corner booth in the grass room. She was quite impressed. I ordered like it was the Last Supper. No expense was spared. Two $110 bottles of merlot, veal rack, stone crabs, the Tantra Love platter--it was lavish and decadent. I was 21, stupid, and wanted to fuck Jaime in the butt; I wasn't about to let a $400 tab get in my way.


By the time we left Tantra, this girl had doe eyes

[Iamnotatool]

Another attempt:

A couple of weeks ago we decided to cruise out to Ryan's Steakhouse for dinner. It was a Wednesday night which means that macaroni and beef was on the hot bar, indeed the only night of the week that it is served. Wednesday night is also kid's night at Ryan's, complete with Dizzy the Clown wandering from table to table entertaining the little bastards. It may seem that the events about to be told have little connection to those two circumstances, but all will be clear in a moment. We went through the line and placed our orders for the all-you-can-eat hot bar then sat down as far away from the front of the restaurant as possible in order to keep the density of kids down a bit. Then I Started my move to the hot bar. Plate after plate of macaroni and beef were consumed that evening, I tell you-in all, four heaping plates of the pseudo-Italian ambrosia were shoved into my belly. I was sated.

Perhaps bit too much, however. I had not really been feeling well all day, what with a bit of gas and such. By the time I had eaten four overwhelmed plates of food, I was in real trouble. There was so much pressure on my diaphragm that I was having trouble breathing. At the same time, the downward pressure was building. At first, I thought it was only gas which could have been passed in batches right at the table without to much concern. Unfortunately, that was not to be. After a minute or so it was clear that I was dealing with explosive diarrhea. It's amazing how grease can make its way through your intestines far faster than the food which spawned the grease to begin with, but I digress...

I got up from the table and made my way to the bathroom. Upon entering, I saw two sinks immediately inside the door, two urinals just to the right of the sinks, and two toilet stalls against the back wall. One of them was a handicapped bathroom. Now, normally I would have gone to the handicapped stall since I like to stretch out a bit when I take a good shit, but in this case, the door lock was broken and the only thing I hate worse than my wife telling me to stop cutting my toenails with a pair of diagonal wire cutters is having someone walk in on me while I am taking a shit. I went to the normal stall.

In retrospect, I probably should have gone to the large, handicapped stall even though the door would not lock because that bit of time lost in making the stall switch proved to be a bit too long under the circumstances. By the time I had walked into the regular stall, the pressure on my ass was reaching Biblical proportions. I began "The Move." For those women who may be reading this, let me take a moment to explain "The Move."

Men know exactly what their bowels are up to at any given second. And when the time comes to empty the cache, a sequence of physiological events occur that can not be stopped under any circumstances. There is a move men make that involves simultaneously approaching the toilet, beginning the body turn to position ones ass toward said toilet, hooking ones fingers into ones waistline, and pulling down the pants while beginning the squat at the same time. It is a very fluid motion that, when performed properly, results in the flawless expulsion of shit at the exact same second that ones ass is properly placed on the toilet seat. Done properly, it even assures that the choad is properly inserted into the front rim of the toilet in the event that the piss stream lets loose at the same time; it is truly a picture of co-ordination rivaling that of a skilled ballet dancer.

I was about half-way into "The Move" when I looked down at the floor and saw a pile of vomit that had been previously expelled by one of those little bastards attending kids night; it was mounded up in the corner so I did not notice it when I had first walked into the stall.

Normally, I would not have been bothered by such a thing, but I had eaten so much and the pressure upward was so intense, that I hit a rarely experienced gag reflex. And once that reflex started, combined with the intense pressure upward caused by the bloate

[ChickenHawk]

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[Iamnotatool]

Hawk, read it, you wont be disapointed

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Please don't hold my huge nutbag against me, or I'll hold it against you that you have flapjack tits

[Meve]

can someone read this and give me a summary?

"Suck it. Suck it dry"

[Freakshow]

HAHAHAHAHAHA

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[JesterOfSadness]

Not to be a dick or anything but I laughed hysterically.

I had a story that happened to me at Lowes hardware store but thats for another time

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Darkness Is No More

[JohnnyCash]

You lost me at "This is very long, but..."

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Thank you Freakshow.

[JesterOfSadness]

lets just say DJEvelEd would love these stories

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Darkness Is No More

[mothershucker]

Readers digest version:

He fucked a girl in the ass while a friend of his was hiding in the closet video taping it. The girl shit all over his dick wich made him puke, which made her puke, which made his friend puke. She left, running, in a sheet, covered in shit an puke.

I shucked it, and I shucked it, and I shucked it, i'm quite the mother shucker

[JPMNICK]

story #1 is sicking and hyterical at the same time. the way you described it really paints a picture. I can't believe your friend actually puked.

I can bet you anything you want that girl NEVER let anyone go near her ass again.

i have a new found respect for you that can not be matched. these strories were really great

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Thanks to Monsterone for my first sig.

This message was edited by JPMNICK on 10-5-04 @ 5:36 PM

[JamMaster]

I think that is possibly the funniest stuff I have ever read

[Katylina]

Oh my God. I am never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever EVER trying anal sex. You have changed me forever, tool.






So, when do we get to see the video?

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[BoondockSaint]

Wait. Are you really Tucker Max? (http://www.tuckermax.com/tuckertriesbuttsex.html)

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M1 is the shit!

[Katylina]

I'm still not having anal sex. Even if your name is Scott and not Tucker.

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This message was edited by Katylina on 10-5-04 @ 5:55 PM

[PanterA]

Tool stay out of the Penthouse Forums will ya!

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[SFSMaus]

In response to both stories (which I read completely and laughed hysterically too), I have one verbal response.

OH.
MY.
GOD.

Story #1: Next time think about a tripod.
Story #2: That is the epitome of customer service.



---------------------------------------------
Marcus Cole : "I used to think it was a
terrible thing that life was so unfair.
Then I thought, 'what if life *were*
fair, and all of the terrible things that
happen to us came because we really
deserved them?' Now I take great
comfort in the general unfairness and
hostility of the universe."

[YoungJersey]

HA!!! that's the funniest goddamn thing i ever heard. it sucks for you, butt DAMN is that funny.

"Shit in one hand and put put all your hopes in the other and see which one fills up first"

[NewYorkDragons80]

Jaime "But.I don't know.it seems weird."
Tucker "It's the preferred method in Europe. Especially with the runway models. Don't you want to do runways in Europe?"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

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[TheMojoPin]

wich made him puke, which made her puke, which made his friend puke.

Yeah, yeah, we've heard it all before, Chunk. It was the worst day of your life. NOW YOUR FINGERS GET THE BLENDER!

http://www.fortune3.com/~comp66553/70160757.jpg

Great stories. You're like DJEvelEd, except tolerable.

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1979 << I love my drug buddy... >> "You can tell some lies about the good times we've had, but I've kissed your mother twice...and now I'm working on your dad..."

[JPMNICK]

Great stories. You're like DJEvelEd, except tolerable.



though you would sneak that one in, but i caught it and laughed my ass off

http://home.comcast.net/~nickcontardo/a_schilling_ft1.jpg
Thanks to Monsterone for my first sig.

[Hottub]

Ahh, Tooly, me lad. You certainly do spin a grand yarn!!

Quick response:

Story 1; You probably should have practiced with the gay waiter so you would know what you were in for.

Story 2; First of all, laughed my ass off! You brought to life what Ed can only imagine!!

And your wife should be Cannonized. (not just for that incident, but dealing with you in general!)

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[TheGameHHH]

Honestly, I've read a lot of posts/threads in my tenure on this board and that is hands down the funniest story I've ever read on here (story #1). Kudos my man!

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This message was edited by TheGameHHH on 10-5-04 @ 8:20 PM

[high fly]

can someone read this and give me a summary?



I don't know, some buttfuck story he copied out of Hustler or something...





" and they ask me why I drink"
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[Jennitalia]

Bravo, Toolie. Bravo.

<img src=http://www.christpuncherrecords.com/sigs/Janice.jpg>

[high fly]

wich made him puke, which made her puke, which made his friend puke.

Yeah, yeah, we've heard it all before, Chunk. It was the worst day of your life. NOW YOUR FINGERS GET THE BLENDER!



Then he cut his tongue licking an envelope
and then he slipped on a banana peel and lost his balance
and then he reached out and grabbed a railing that had wet paint on it
and then he stepped on a roller skate
and then he fell down, his butthole over a mayonaise jar, imbedding it
and then he hit his thumb with a hammer
and then he stepped in a bear trap
and then he walked behind a car parked on a hill and left in neutral that rolled over him
and then he stepped on a rake...

" and they ask me why I drink"
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[NewYorkDragons80]

Then, Tooly and his bride competed in a pie-eating contest under the pseudonym, "Lardass"

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[sr71blackbird]

I have a 2 sentence rule, if its more than that.. sorry!

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[Katylina]

It is well worth the read.

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[Iamnotatool]

I appreciate the positive responses. Thats why I post stuff here that I find funny...


For those like highfly, please show me where I stated these stories happened to me. I just rechecked, and I certainly don't see it.

Perhaps I should have credited the proper sources, but to be quite honest, I didn't think I needed to. These stories made me laugh, so I thought I'd share.


Kat, you don't have to fear buttsex, you just need to find someone gentle enough to christen you...

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Please don't hold my huge nutbag against me, or I'll hold it against you that you have flapjack tits

[Katylina]

Gentle and hung like a hampster.

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[sr71blackbird]

Ok, I did read it after I said that and it was funny..lol

I do love the Astroglide!

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[Iamnotatool]

Gentle and hung like a hampster



That was my nickname in college :(

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Please don't hold my huge nutbag against me, or I'll hold it against you that you have flapjack tits

[Katylina]

Then you can plug my ass anytime!

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[Iamnotatool]

Are you hitting on me Kat??


My inch just turned into 2!!



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Please don't hold my huge nutbag against me, or I'll hold it against you that you have flapjack tits

[Iamnotatool]

bumped for making me laugh again.

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Please don't hold my huge nutbag against me, or I'll hold it against you that you have flapjack tits

[ADF]

These stories have been around forever. Are you telling me that you're Tucker Max? Or is it just that you found these stories funny?

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[Iamnotatool]

For those like highfly, please show me where I stated these stories happened to me. I just rechecked, and I certainly don't see it.




I'm not Tucker. But Tucker makes me pee my pants in laughter.



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Please don't hold my huge nutbag against me, or I'll hold it against you that you have flapjack tits


This message was edited by Iamnotatool on 10-6-04 @ 6:26 PM

[FUNKMAN]

after reading that i guess i'm not suprised i dreamt about putting chocolate icing on a bundt cake...

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[Def Dave in SC]

Holy cheet. That was funny. Its less funny now that I know they didnt happen to you, and that I know you didnt write that. Still hilarious though.

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UCF:AYBABTU

[Lumber]

Impressive...

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[Iamnotatool]

Dave, I apologize for my honesty, but these stories crack me up. I like looking for funny shit online, and if I find some I try to share...

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Please don't hold my huge nutbag against me, or I'll hold it against you that you have flapjack tits

[IrishAlkey]

I'm not sure what to say...

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[Iamnotatool]

Just that you are sorry, and it will never happen again.

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Please don't hold my huge nutbag against me, or I'll hold it against you that you have flapjack tits

[high fly]

I
For those like highfly, please show me where I stated these stories happened to me.

I guess it was the part where you started off the first story with "I," and then "we" in the second one.
Anyway, where did I give you the impression I thought it was about you?

" and they ask me why I drink"
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[Iamnotatool]

I guess I see your point. I'll next time change all the I's to theys and the we's to nosotros.

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Please don't hold my huge nutbag against me, or I'll hold it against you that you have flapjack tits

[DJEvelEd]

http://thereisnogod.faithweb.com/images/stamp.gif

Brilliant!!! I took LSD & X together once on a full stomach. While I was shitting I puked. The sounds that my stomach made were amazing. The pressure was pulling my colon in both directions. It was pretty cool being candyflipped and all.


Did you.did you just.shit on my dick?"


I reached down to touch the liquid feces, still in complete and utter disbelief that this girl shot explosive diarrhea on my penis, when, without warning, the smell hit me...

...and I have never been more repulsed by a smell in my life

I see you're not gay!!! Good for you!!! Stick with that Faeces though son, you'll go places in life!!!


Mojo aren't you a homosexual American? You should be more tolerant of other Faeces lovers ;)

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HAS ANYONE SEEN MY BIG WET GAPING ’NUS FILLED WITH DIARRH’?

[shamus mcfitzy]

ok, mostly everyone who has posted in this thread, it's not about Iamnotatool. I don't know how you could possibly think these two things happened to one person, but even in the event that you did think that Iamnotatool has the funniest life known to man, he's posted otherwise. I guess I can only take it as a guy that knew those two stories were pulled from somewhere, but it was definitely the funniest thing that I've read in the last two weeks.

[DJEvelEd]

No, don't say that. Those stories really happened to Tool and he's my new hero. I believe!!! I believe!!! The spraying of diarrhea and vomit is second only to the spraying of sperm onto a young girls bosom!!!! I believe!!! I believe!!! Don't burst my fart bubble!!! I believe dammit!!!

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PUTTING THE FUNNY IN PRESENTLY SEEN DEPTHS
SPONSORED BY: "THE F’CESTOF C’SAR" BY ’SOP c464 B.C.
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY BIG WET GAPING ’NUS FILLED WITH DIARRH’?

This message was edited by DJEvelEd on 10-8-04 @ 6:19 AM

[TheMojoPin]

Mojo aren't you a homosexual American? You should be more tolerant of other Faeces lovers

Ah-HAH! Nobody EVER suspects a Log Cabin Republican!

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1979 << I love my drug buddy... >> "You can tell some lies about the good times we've had, but I've kissed your mother twice...and now I'm working on your dad..."