How much toilet paper

[walking joint]

do you use when cleaning your ass. i use alot. i wrap it around my hand like a mummy and go scooping. how does one only use 1 square at a time....seems to leave to much room for error.

so how much do you use at a time...one piece, two..or like me do you wrap it around your hand?

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[Snoogans]

use 26.5 individual cubes of tp, no more no less

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The worst choke job in the history of sports Snoogans 1, Monitor 0

[Hottub]

I'm not sure the exact # of squares, but I would guess 5 or 6 per swipe. Only the good stuff (like Charmin ultra or such) so 3 or 4 swipes x 5 squares = dump.

Although the real reason I replied to this is the fact that I can clean up a massive beer and chili, ass-exploding diarreah blast with less paper than my wife uses to take a quick pee.

What the fuck is up with chicks and TP???

<img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v381/artemisentreri/hottub.gif" border=0 align=right>
so does that mean that it was
"THE ORANGE BOWL OF FAILURE?"
Staples
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[whiteboy1457]

the least i would use would be 5 squares and i wouldnt go over 10 cause thats just a waste

MASTA MEAT

Cluching defeat out of the claws of victory.

[BoondockSaint]

I use a whole bunch. As Adam Corolla says, "It's like trying to wipe peanut butter out of a shag carpet."

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v11/squrl/RJsig.jpg

[DeltaPin]

Usually use 8 sheets folded up per swipe, 3-4 swipes depending on the damage.

I use Scott Tissue, a real man's wipe, none of that soft, wussy paper for me.

[FUNKMAN]

isn't it great when you shit sometimes and you wipe once and nothings there

it's a hard shit but it's low maintenance

<img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v53/monster6sixty6/guests/fm3_sig.jpg">

[Iamnotatool]

Thats what we call the ghost shit.



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Please don't hold my huge nutbag against me, or I'll hold it against you that you have flapjack tits

[walking joint]

the ghost shit is great, but whats with the ones where no matter how much you wipe, there always seems to be something left in my ass. its just little marks here and there, but i have to keep wiping.

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thanks for the sig SatCam...and thanks for bringing it back Furie

[Iamnotatool]

Sometimes when shit happens, you want to be able to articulate the experience more than just you've, taken a shit. Here are some shit definitions to help you explain the situation better to your friends and family...



Ghost Shit

You know you've shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but no shit in the bowl.



Teflon Coated Shit

Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of shit on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it!



Gooey Shit

This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ass 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.



Second Thought Shit

You're all done wiping your ass and you're about to stand up when you realize it.....you've got some more.



Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Shit

This kind is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.



Bali Belly Shit

You shit so much you lose 5 kilos.



Right Now Shit

You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.



King Kong or Commode Choker Shit

This shit is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually happens at someone else's house.



Wet Cheeks Shit

This shit hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your ass wet.



Wish Shit

You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no shit!



Cement Block or Oh God Shit

You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you shit.



Snake Shit

This shit is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.



Cork Shit (Also Known as Floater Shit)

Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This shit usually happens at someone else's house.



Mexican Food Shit (also called Screamers)

You'll know it's alright to eat again when your asshole stops burning.



Beer Drunk Shit

This happens the day after the night before. Normally your shit doesn't smell too bad, but this shit is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of shit also usually happens at someone else's house.



The Frightened Turtle

The kind of shit that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in



The Bungee Shit

The kind of shit that just hangs off your ass before it falls into the water.



The Ring of Fire Shit

The kind of shit where you eat really spicy food and your asshole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.



The Crippler

The kind of shit where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.



The Big Bobber

The kind of shit that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.



The Shitty Shitty Bang Bang

The kind of shit that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.



The Incredible Hulk Shit

The king of shit that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.



The Jack the Ripper Shit

The kind of shit that yanks out the hair of your ass as it pushes its way out.



The Party Pooper

The giant shit you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.



The Toxic Gas Shit

The kind of shit that makes you pass out and fall of the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town.



Dirty Bowl Shit

The kind of shit that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.



The Windy City Shit

When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a shit.



Oh Shit! Shit

You shit

[FUNKMAN]

Thats what we call the ghost shit.


i don't know? doesn't seem to match your definition.

i meant there is no poop on the toilet paper. in the bowl you have what felt like rocks

<img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v53/monster6sixty6/guests/fm3_sig.jpg">

[Iamnotatool]

Those rocks were probably the beads you got stuck back there years ago. Freak!

<img src=http://thereisnogod.faithweb.com/images/iamnotatool.gif>
Please don't hold my huge nutbag against me, or I'll hold it against you that you have flapjack tits

[DJEvelEd]

Baby Wipes keep the Taint Seam Zit count low.
I use one wet baby wipe but I rip it in half first.
My hole is always sparkling..

*BLING*

<img src="http://64.177.177.182/katylina/shockposters.jpg">
PUTTING THE FUNNY IN PRESENTLY SEEN DEPTHS
SPONSORED BY: "THE F’CESTOF C’SAR" BY ’SOP c464 B.C.
THIS SHIT-TAINT, FUNNY

[FUNKMAN]

Those rocks were probably the beads you got stuck back there years ago. Freak!


i call them rocks the 'sphincter splitters'

sorry, i don't use beads... i like to use rope and tie a bunch of knots in it. my rope of choice is the one they use to secure aircraft carriers to the dock

<img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v53/monster6sixty6/guests/fm3_sig.jpg">

[walking joint]

i guess i'll ask how many wipes do you do per tp pickup....i have so much tp that i could bend it without touching the crap and use the other side...probably two bends.


<img src="http://hometown.aol.com/satelitecam/images/sig_wk.jpg">
thanks for the sig SatCam...and thanks for bringing it back Furie

[Bulldogcakes]

Sometimes when shit happens, you want to be able to articulate the experience more than just you've, taken a shit. Here are some shit definitions to help you explain the situation better to your friends and family...

Tool, that post was so funny, I literally had to take a shit halfway through. It was a Crippler

http://pic5.picturetrail.com/VOL77/857148/1548180/76422236.jpg


Ow! Hey! Get that net offa me! Ouch! Help!! Somebody HELP!!!!

[PhishHead]

isn't it great when you shit sometimes and you wipe once and nothings there

it's a hard shit but it's low maintenance


I call that "no signature"

<IMG SRC=http://home.comcast.net/~rmfallon/RFnetPhish.jpg>
thanks to fallon for the sig

[FUNKMAN]

I call that "no signature"


finally!! somebody who knows their shit

<img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v53/monster6sixty6/guests/fm3_sig.jpg">

[PhishHead]

Damn straight I know my shit...I knew my IBS-D and Lactose Intolerance would pay off for me one day!!!

<IMG SRC=http://home.comcast.net/~rmfallon/RFnetPhish.jpg>
thanks to fallon for the sig

[FUNKMAN]

how about that strange phenomenon when you have that piece so long that part of it sticks out of the water and the part outside is alot darker than the part in the water?

riddle me this

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[DJEvelEd]

Best F‘ces thread EVER! You all are so amazing! (It's not even my birthday!)

*tear*







*squish*


<img src="http://64.177.177.182/katylina/shockposters.jpg">
PUTTING THE FUNNY IN PRESENTLY SEEN DEPTHS
SPONSORED BY: "THE F’CESTOF C’SAR" BY ’SOP c464 B.C.
THIS SHIT-TAINT, FUNNY

This message was edited by DJEvelEd on 1-12-05 @ 9:54 PM

[newport king]

wipe till either theres no shit left or theres blood.

<img src="http://hometown.aol.com/bonedaddy5/images/newportking.jpg">

[FUNKMAN]

once in a while i'll get fissures


itchy fissures

<img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v53/monster6sixty6/guests/fm3_sig.jpg">

[Iamnotatool]

On really good diarrhea days, I gotta knock a tree down and slice it into paper.

<img src=http://thereisnogod.faithweb.com/images/iamnotatool.gif>
Please don't hold my huge nutbag against me, or I'll hold it against you that you have flapjack tits

[TheMojoPin]

Get the TP a little wet...saves on a paper and gets you much cleaner.

Combine that with wet-wipes...sparkling!

<img src="http://scripts.cgispy.com/image.cgi?u=TheMojoPin">
1979 << I love my drug buddy... >> "You can tell some lies about the good times we've had, but I've kissed your mother twice...and now I'm working on your dad..."

[JPMNICK]

no matter what, you have to finish it off with moist wipes like cottonelle or something.

http://home.comcast.net/~nickcontardo/rfnetjp.jpg
Thanks to Reef for my sig. You rock

[walking joint]

Get the TP a little wet...saves on a paper and gets you much cleaner.


the problem i have with wet TP is that it seems to break apart a bit when i wipe...then the next time i crap i notice while wiping i have a few little pieces of TP that have tied themselves around a piece of butt hair and now i have to yank them out.

<img src="http://hometown.aol.com/satelitecam/images/sig_wk.jpg">
thanks for the sig SatCam...and thanks for bringing it back Furie

[FUNKMAN]

wet toilet paper seems a little dangerous. i've had my fingers break through dry toilet paper never mind wet

<img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v53/monster6sixty6/guests/fm3_sig.jpg">

[TheMojoPin]

Don't soak it...just a little damp. It's tricky...but once you've mastered it, you'll have a clean ass for life.

<img src="http://scripts.cgispy.com/image.cgi?u=TheMojoPin">
1979 << I love my drug buddy... >> "You can tell some lies about the good times we've had, but I've kissed your mother twice...and now I'm working on your dad..."

[LordJezo]

I switched to these months ago:

http://img28.exs.cx/img28/106/2002sn.jpg

Once you go that route there is no coming back. I use 1 to 2 wipes per movement.

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(and considering 100% of 0 is 0..)

[walking joint]

are they safe for a septic? i really shouldn't throw tissues into my toilet.

<img src="http://hometown.aol.com/satelitecam/images/sig_wk.jpg">
thanks for the sig SatCam...and thanks for bringing it back Furie

[DJEvelEd]

I switched to these months ago:

http://img28.exs.cx/img28/106/2002sn.jpg

Once you go that route there is no coming back. I use 1 to 2 wipes per movement.



What are you cleaning? Snake River Canyon? Take ONE and rip it in half.

The aloe ones ARE the best though!

<img src="http://64.177.177.182/katylina/shockposters.jpg">
PUTTING THE FUNNY IN PRESENTLY SEEN DEPTHS
SPONSORED BY: "THE F’CESTOF C’SAR" BY ’SOP c464 B.C.
THIS SHIT-TAINT, FUNNY

[TheMojoPin]

I use the Prep H wipes. I don't have the 'roids, but what the hell...keep things clean and runnin' smooth, and they come in a handy plastic box dispenser thingie.

<img src="http://scripts.cgispy.com/image.cgi?u=TheMojoPin">
1979 << I love my drug buddy... >> "You can tell some lies about the good times we've had, but I've kissed your mother twice...and now I'm working on your dad..."

[Iamnotatool]

I sometimes use sandpaper, just for kicks.

<img src=http://thereisnogod.faithweb.com/images/iamnotatool.gif>
Please don't hold my huge nutbag against me, or I'll hold it against you that you have flapjack tits

[FUNKMAN]

sometimes i like to scrape it off with broken glass

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