My Life is Changing, and I'm Struggling to Cope [Archive]

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Silly Puddy

04-01-2005, 07:27 AM

My wife is almost 8 months pregnant with our first child, a baby girl.  I also have an interesting job offer in the Southeast I'm considering (I'm interviewing next week), which would be a huge change for someone who's never lived anywhere else but New York City.   <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
While a lot of things make me nervous about our new baby and possible relocation, the biggest issue is family, specifically mine.  My wife comes from a terrific family.  Everyone gets along, the kids are terrific, and her parents are cool, positive people.   They'll support us in anything we do. <o:p></o:p>
Unfortunately, I don't feel so lucky. My parents are older, have no friends (not even each other), and no life except for me.  My brother's family lives on their block (in a house my parents bought and pay most of the bills for), but they visit maybe once or twice a month.  My folks bought another house on their block a few years ago for me to live with my family (without asking me, of course), but I refused. (They're currently renting it.)  My mom is also not physically well, is clinically depressed, stays in bed all day, and has essentially given up on enjoying life.  She says the only time she's happy is when she sees me, and the only thing she lives for is her new granddaughter.  She says she "can't wait for the baby so someone else will love her".  She is so needy and physically attached to me when I visit I literally get creeped out.  She's also starting to lose her memory and her hearing, which makes conversing with her an effort.  <o:p></o:p>
My parents and my brother's family are not the models of cleanliness.  My folks never bath, and their house smells awful due to their lack of hygiene and their general messiness.  My brother's family is the biggest slobs I know.  There's have so much junk there is no space to walk around in their house. <o:p></o:p>
The new baby and the possible job relocation are causing me a lot of strain.  It's hard enough trying to deal with the financial burdens a new baby will bring.  But my family, particularly my mom, is really stressing me out.  The job might pay the same money in a much cheaper place, so my salary would go a LOT farther.  But if I take the job offer, my parents will make my life miserable.  They'll call me multiple times a day, each time telling me what an inconsiderate son I was, and how could I desert them when

Tall_James

04-01-2005, 07:40 AM

That is a LOT of shit for you to have to deal with.  All I can say, as a husband and father of young children, is that you seem to have your shit together no matter what you may think.  Your primary concern lies with your wife and children and that is the way it has to be.  If you need to move in order to provide for them - you do whatever you have to do to make it happen.  
I wish you good luck and remember, if you're basing your decisions on how it will affect your wife and child - you're doing the right thing.

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Iamnotatool

04-01-2005, 07:53 AM

Your mom bought you a house? Awesome.

If they can't change their stinky ways to appease you and your new child, then tell them they will get few visits with the new guy/girl, and none will be unsupervised. Explain to moms how you feel, if she cant take it so be it.

Also, NEVER side with mom over wifey.

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mikeyboy

04-01-2005, 07:54 AM

Ditto what TJ, said.  Your concerns are with your wife and child, so you have the right perspective.  You have some hard ecisions ahead, though.

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Silly Puddy

04-01-2005, 08:12 AM

Thanks for the support, TJ and mikey.  I know my wife and baby come first, but I struggle with thinking I'm a bad son if  I don't think about what's best for my folks.  They're in their 80s and have no other living relatives and no friends.  My brother's a great guy, but he readily admits he can't handle what my mom has become so he stays away.
Your mom bought you a house? Awesome. If they can't change their stinky ways to appease you and your new child, then tell them they will get few visits with the new guy/girl, and none will be unsupervised. Explain to moms how you feel, if she cant take it so be it. 
Oh, if only it were that easy.  My parents are good people, but the house is literally right next door.  When you consider my mom calls me every day to ask when will she see me again (even the days I already visited), the pressure from her if my family was living right near by would be insane.  I try to shield my wife from my family stuff as much as I can, and she in turns doesn't expect me to suddenly be best friends with her family.  But my mom thinks she's owed our attention, and it's sadly more about what SHE needs and not about what's best for son and his family.  Like I said, she's looking for people to love HER, moreso than looking to share love.  I hate saying it because I feel like such an ass, but it's the unfortunate truth of where she is mentally.
As for the "stinky ways", that won't change.  My dad never took showers when I was a kid, and thinks they're a waste of hot water.  My mom is now deathly afraid of falling or drowning in a bath-tub, but won't let anyone give her a sponge bath.  It's something I just have to deal with.

JPMNICK

04-01-2005, 08:21 AM

My father went through a similiar situation with his mother, and I remember some of it from when I was younger before she died. She was a crazy one. Like your mom, never got out of bed, never took care of things. My grandfather did it all. We used to go visit on Sunday's, and it was like the highlight of her week. She would then call our house multiple times per night, always around dinner when we were talking as a family.
My dad is the nicest guy, but one night he just flipped and told her that she is ruining his life and his marriage. That she needs to stop calling so much and respect that he is an adult. 
She also tried to use money to buy love. Just like your mom bought a house on her block for you and your brother to keep you guys close, she would do similiar things. It turns out that it was not even a nice gesture, but one of control and power. she bought us a deck for our house, and then reminded us every time we saw her about it. She loved to rub it in. 
If you have the potential, I would say get out. It will be better for your life, your job, your marriage, your unborn baby. 
 You then need to control the phone calls. If she starst to get on a rant HANG UP and when she calls back say "until you can talk to me like a person, I am going to continue hanging up" You need to teach her some manners and how to deal with you. And if she wants to see the baby, she will make the trip down. She sounds like she does not work or have anything else to do. Get on a plane and come down and visit. 
On a positive note, you sound liek you have job potential and are starting a family! so look on the bright side. 
You need to get control of this shit. And you may have to come to terms with the fact that she may die hating you. And you need to realize that it will have been her decision and not yours. and it is not your fault. <IMG src="http://home.comcast.net/~nickcontardo/rfnetjp.jpg" border=0> Thanks to Reef for my sig. You rock

This message was edited by JPMNICK on 4-1-05 @ 12:22 PM

hurlmon

04-01-2005, 08:42 AM

I agree with JPMNICK. My wife went through a very similar situation as his (?) dad, with her mom.  My wife finally snapped on her and told said all the  things JPMNICK mentioned as well as dealing with the phone calls.  
It's hard to do.  Teaching an old dog new tricks is tough, but not impossible. It will be a difficult time, but If she really wants to see the new grand daughter and you she hopfully will make an effort to change.  
I also think it's time for your brother to step up to the plate.  If he can take a house and bill money from her he can at least help out with her. 
All my wife's siblings have moved out of state and we are stuck dealing with her mother. (thankkfully she is in Queens and we're in the Bronx.)  yeah it sucks to be the one to be left behind but they only moved to get away from her ( very selfish) not to better themselves and their families future as you are trying to do. 
Good luck!
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This message was edited by hurlmon on 4-1-05 @ 12:43 PM

Death Metal Moe

04-01-2005, 08:43 AM

I was gonna leave a small joke, but it's really not the place for it.  
I guess I'd hae to agree with most in here that you should look out for your wife and kid 1st.  Your parents made a family they had to worry about, and now you did.
But I understand your concern.  It's easy to just say "I have to worry about myself 1st", but to actually do that is another when you're worried about kepeing your family safe.

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Silly Puddy

04-01-2005, 09:16 AM

Due to her failing health, JPM and Hurl, my mom can't fly anywhere.  She can barely walk anymore.  And my dad is deathly afraid of flying because he claims the one time he did he lost his hearing in one ear for 3 months.  Heck, my wife and I were told our wedding had to be within a 15 minute drive from their house or else they wouldn't go.  If they won't drive more than 15 minutes to go somewhere, they definitely won't fly.
You need to get control of this shit. And you may have to come to terms with the fact that she may die hating you. And you need to realize that it will have been her decision and not yours. and it is not your fault.I really don't want to get disowned.  This is horrible, but I've come to the point where I look at that house they bought as my children's college fund.  I always grew up cognizant of saving my parents money, even though it turned out they were pretty well off.
I also think it's time for your brother to step up to the plate.  If he can take a house and bill money from her he can at least help out with her. They do just enough to look like they care.  They take my parents out to dinner about once a month (but my parents pay, of course), and my brother is handy so he fixes things in their house and takes care of their car.  My bro does the best he can, but he's just not a patient enough guy to deal with her.
I was gonna leave a small joke, but it's really not the place for it. Oh come on, Moe.  Lay it on us.
I hope I don't come off depressed, just confused and trying to do the right thing and make everyone happy (I know, the one thing I can NEVER accomplish).

Tall_James

04-01-2005, 09:23 AM

<FIELDSET>Heck, my wife and I were told our wedding had to be within a 15 minute drive from their house or else they wouldn't go.  </FIELDSET>
OK.  If your wife hasn't killed them yet you have married a saint, my friend.

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spunkee

04-01-2005, 09:58 AM

ok, i know i never post here, but this definitely hit me.  are you tryin to move to charleston sc by any chance because that might be too coincidental.  
there is always the one person in the family that takes care of everything and usually gets no credit, and i think sometimes we are dumbasses for doing it, but then i think well i feel bad.  i am looking to move to charleston, maybe in a few months.  no kids yet, but will be moving in with fiance.  and i havent mentioned it yet to the parents.  they arent sickly or old yet, but the guilt trips never end.  i basically run the house, and i think when i leave, it may end up in the terrible condition youve described. 
you definitely need to concentrate on work and getting the new job and taking care of your family which is your wife and kid first.    best of luck to you... and me.

Tall_James

04-01-2005, 10:02 AM

I hear good things about Charleston.  Good luck to you Spunkee.

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Silly Puddy

04-01-2005, 10:07 AM

are you tryin to move to charleston sc by any chance because that might be too coincidentalNope - Florida.  But I also hear Charleston is really nice (a friend of mine is from there).  a you said, good luck to both of us, and congratulations on taking the big step with the fiance.
TJ - trust me, my wife is DEFINITELY guaranteed a cushy spot in heaven just for putting up with ME.  And her mom and dad came from very far away just to accomodate my parents, and they even paid for most of the wedding, too.

FUNKMAN

04-01-2005, 10:57 AM

hopefully the job comes through and you can get away from some of these situations that are causing you stress
your brother and parents are all grown up now and you should not feel any responsibility for them. if they truly love you then they should take it upon themselves to understand your moving away. you need to do what's best for you and your own family(wife and child). having your first child always seems to make couples pretty nervous and as it seems to always turn out there is alot of worry for nothing. You find this out when you have a 2nd child, you are so much more prepared and experienced. You all will get through it just fine. 
if the job doesn't pan out then you should have a heart-to-heart talk with your parents about how you feel. Again, if they truly love you they will respect your opinions. Whether they make changes for the better may be a different story but you can't control that. 

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Freebird

04-01-2005, 01:37 PM

Florida??  Tampa, by any chance?

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Donnielimes

04-01-2005, 05:59 PM

i was in a similar situation. i have a grandmother with no family nearby who was really cloying(maybe thats not the right word ) but she made it seem like I was obligated to be at her beck and call. because i was the family that lived nearest to her. Well, I mpoved to florida because it is the best thing that ever happened to me and the other family members picked up the slack and everyone is happy. I am anyway and it makes a huge difference in how much i can give to others when I am happy. If I'm miserable i resent everything when i'm happy i'm a cheerful giver. so thihnk about that how are you going to be able to be the best yoou you can be?

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Garcia525

04-01-2005, 06:53 PM

I kind of have the reverse situation going on in my life. I have a wife and two kids and live in CT. My mother and stpefather, my father and stepmother, and my brother and his wife and two kids all live within 20 minutes from me. Probably by the end of this year my mother and stepfather are moving to FL and my brother and his wife and kids are probably moving to Colorado. That leaves my father and stepmother who I have a strained relationship to begin with and I rarely see them.

Although my first reaction is "wow....I can't believe everyone's moving away"....but my immediate thought is "wow....how much less drama there will be with the distance.
Considering it get's pretty combustable with all of the different personalities in my family it'll definitely be a welcome change of pace. I'm not saying that I don't love them all but there'll be a little piece of me that welcomes the peace of mind.

Silly Puddy

04-01-2005, 08:33 PM

Florida??  Tampa, by any chance?You're not one of the people interviewing me, are you?  Yup, Tampa it is
Funk, while I know my parents love me, they also come from that school that says the kids should take care of the parents when they get older.  It may be generational, or it may just be them.
If I'm miserable i resent everything when i'm happy i'm a cheerful giver. so thihnk about that how are you going to be able to be the best yoou you can be?I know you're right about that, Donnielimes.  I wish I trusted that sentiment.

sr71blackbird

04-02-2005, 04:44 AM

I think your going to have to put your foot down and do whats best for YOUR family, just like everyone said.  You will be doing a disservice to yourself and your own responsibility if you stay around for your parents.  I can tell your a good guy for wanting to save the day for your parents, and it IS an honorable thing to do, BUT, as a husband and father, you have your own world to hold on your shoulders.  Your brother is living in a house they gave him, so let him "pay them back" while you move on.  Believe me, I know youll be going through hell.  Your going to never hear the end of it. But you know what? I know it might sound cold, but no other life form on the planet sacrifices its own young for the sake of its own parents.  You are obligated to protect your own in this situation, bud. Your parents probably were able to provide these homes because they lived here at a time when it was cheaper to live here and they were able to save.  NY is no longer like that. Probably never will be again.  Right now, Florida is your best bet if YOU ever intended to be able to provide something similar to your OWN children.  Its cheap to live there, insurance is cheaper, housing is cheap, jobs are plentiful and the babes are hot!  The only bad thing is the hurricanes and the bugs. I think about my own ancestors who had left Italy to come here back in the 20's.  Look what they had to do to get here back then.  Long boat ride across the Atlantic, leaving their familys to find a better opportunity in a land that didnt speak their language, cold climate, ethnic hatred, shitty work. Youll be moving somewhere where they speak English, youll be in the same time zone too. Its not like it is SO hard NOR expensive to fly up here in an emergency, if that happened either.. I say go.  It's for YOUR FAMILY.  I know it will be hard, but like anything else, the effort will reap rewards later.  In more ways than one.  Youll have better self respect because youll be doing something for you, and its the right thing to do.  Your punishing yourself by eating because you know what you need to do, but your conscience is pulling you the other direction.  To get over this, youll need to make such a move to declare your independence.  Do it. 
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This message was edited by sr71blackbird on 4-2-05 @ 9:00 AM

Silly Puddy

04-06-2005, 07:57 AM

Well, I had my interview on Monday in FL.  I was initially convinced the job was mine if I wanted it.  I went there the night before freaked out beyond belief, and kept looking for excuses to blow off the interview because I didn't want to deal with it (something I usually don't do - I normally interview very well).  But I pulled myself together and thought I did really well.  In fact, the last thing they said was to call them the next day when I get back to NY.  I got to the airport, called my wife, and the first thing I said was "damn, it looks like I'm going to have to decide dif I want this, because it went really well."  I left a message with HR and I guess they'll get back to me eventually.  The job is high priority for them, so I assume they'll either make an offer soon or they've decided to pass.But now with a day or two to reflect, I think I actually blew it.  The longer the interviews went, and the more people I met, the more I thought "damn it, they seem WAY too impressed by me".  And suddenly, I found myself talking more "honestly" about my skill sets, and a little too specific about what I don't know.  At the time, I thought I was wording things in a way where they'd think "hmm, this is a really straight-up guy, and he's willing to admit there are things he needs to learn".  But you know what, I think subconsciously I knew things were going well, and I was trying to sabotage it.  I can't believe I'm a 35 year old male, about to be a dad, and I might have screwed up an interview because I was scared I was going to get the job.  I thought I was past those stupid insecurities, but I guess not totally.  If it turns out they decided I just didn't have the skill sets they need, or found another candidate, then that's fine.  But if I find out they thought I didn't seem aggressive enough or confident enough, I'll be so mad at myself.  I hope I didn't lose this opportunity because I was afraid of making the change and leaving my current life behind.

Bulldogcakes

04-07-2005, 04:28 PM

I think your decision will get MUCH easier once
baby shows up. Babies are so much work, such a priority that Mom and
Dad will be less of a worry. You simply wont have the space in your
brain to deal with their stuff. You'll just be craving a good night's
sleep. 
I think your Parents do this because you have yet to put your
foot down and say enough, and be comfortable with whatever the
consequences. If you drew a line with them, you might be surprised.
They may not want to lose you and the baby. They may be more willing to
understand your side if faced with that. I really sympathise
with your situation. My parents are similar, but not as bad. Plus
they're not as stinky. Cut the cord, untie the apron strings. They'll
come back to you. It may take a while, but they will. They sound like
they really dont have any other options. Plus you with the grandchild?
They'll come running. Good luck. 

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This message was edited by Bulldogcakes on 4-7-05 @ 8:29 PM

Abrasive Dean

04-08-2005, 09:08 PM

Hey I echo much of what has been said by others here.

I divorced my first wife of 10 years and left the UK for the USA where I met my second wife. I left behind my eldest daughter Siobhan (who will be 14 next week) and got married. My wife fell pregnant with our twin girls and we had very little money. My mother suffered a "minor?" heart-attack and subsequently got cancer of the bladder but she would crawl naked over hot coals to see her Grand children.

I know I am rambling but what I guess I mean is when your child is born you will find things change in sometimes unexpected ways. I had lived in London for many years and my parents had never visited yet when my eldest was born, they were on the doorstep the next day........

Best of luck to you both.

Oh and as for the interview, I would rather employ someone who acknowledges and accepts that they do not know something but are prepared to find it out than someone who claims to know it all. Because it is the latter person who is truly foolish.

Dean

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This message was edited by Abrasive Dean on 4-9-05 @ 1:09 AM