I think I have a title-need good opening line [Archive]

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Billy Staples

03-14-2006, 02:03 PM

As most of us avid readers know, the title of a literary work is important, but to make something a classic, it needs that strong first sentence that goes down thru the ages. For ex:it was the best of times, it was the worst of timesCall me Ishmaelshe swalllowed every inchoh....nevermind the last ne, different reading area of the libraryI need a good first line for my book, my autobiography if you will, except mine will be true. Unlike my exposing of a million little liemaker James Frey or whoever he was. There is a lot of stuff you guys don't know so I wouldnt expect any mention of that, unless John Edward joins in.I do think you guys know plenty about my life, as I have truly let you in more than most people in radio....so think Gestaldt and not small....something for the whole pictureany suggestions?

This message was edited by Billy Staples on 3-14-06 @ 6:35 PM

SatCam

03-14-2006, 02:06 PM

"Has anyone ever had a colonoscopy? ..."

FUNKMAN

03-14-2006, 02:07 PM

Taking A Liner Off The Balls

SatCam

03-14-2006, 02:11 PM

This is a story of love, affection, tragedy, loss, ups, downs, two stomach staplings and chicken parm.

kevcala

03-14-2006, 02:16 PM

The night was sultry.

Rogerman

03-14-2006, 02:17 PM

"My chest, can't breathe..."

TheRealEddie

03-14-2006, 02:18 PM

"ker-plunk"

Death Metal Moe

03-14-2006, 02:25 PM

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

SatCam

03-14-2006, 02:26 PM

"Early morning, April 4th, shot rings out in the Memphis sky"

Death Metal Moe

03-14-2006, 02:26 PM

"I now know that joking with fecal matter is never justified."

Death Metal Moe

03-14-2006, 02:27 PM

"......I just did a little diddling."

Death Metal Moe

03-14-2006, 02:28 PM

"My one tragedy in life was waiting for me in that Subway Staircase, but it was also my destiny."

EliSnow

03-14-2006, 02:30 PM

"I always wondered why they called it Red Bank."

SatCam

03-14-2006, 02:31 PM

I survived the anthrax scare

MadMatt

03-14-2006, 02:33 PM

"."EDIT:  OK, I posted a quote that was "Rude and Rude," but have removed it because I don't really know Billy.  I only know him from the stories I have heard on XM, and I don't think that qualifies me to raz him - even though it was meant to be in good fun.  Sorry Billy. 

This message was edited by MadMatt on 3-14-06 @ 6:36 PM

SatCam

03-14-2006, 02:33 PM

Some may say paintball was my sport of choice

Hottub

03-14-2006, 02:35 PM

The hole was dug, and I had the lime.I watched Red Bank disappear in my rear-view mirror.Ever wake up in a puddle of your own puke?

Death Metal Moe

03-14-2006, 02:38 PM

"You want Vos back out here?"

SatCam

03-14-2006, 02:38 PM

Hi, I'm Billy, and I'm an alcoholic.

Death Metal Moe

03-14-2006, 02:39 PM

"I woke up in a pool of my own drool and filth in that Pennsylvania roach Motel....the ghost of Red Bank still haunting the grave of my comedy career."

torker

03-14-2006, 02:40 PM

I was a five letter man in high school.

Death Metal Moe

03-14-2006, 02:41 PM

torker wrote: I was a five letter man in high school. YeaV O D K A

JPMNICK

03-14-2006, 02:42 PM

"After the fat black hooker left and my wife came home"

Gimp

03-14-2006, 02:47 PM

"i have no problem touching another mans dink"

suggums

03-14-2006, 03:23 PM

"it's gestalt"

mendyweiss

03-14-2006, 03:25 PM

It was a dark and stormy bowel movement.

Hottub

03-14-2006, 03:29 PM

The bruises healed, and I finally mastered the "Smith System of Space Cushion Driving".

FUNKMAN

03-14-2006, 03:32 PM

When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feethe has delusions of adequacyhe sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve themhe is depriving a village somewhere of an idiothe doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrierhe brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room must i go on?  <img src="http://www.ronfez.net/messageboard/tiny_mce/plugins/emotions/images/smile.gif" border="0" />  you're a good sport Billy...

suggums

03-14-2006, 03:45 PM

dont forget to write the chapter about ghostwriting for stern

MadMatt

03-14-2006, 03:53 PM

suggums wrote: dont forget to write the chapter about ghostwriting for stern Didn't he also ghost write for Star Trek and claim there are creatures on Mars?  Or am I thinking of someone else...<img src="http://www.ronfez.net/messageboard/tiny_mce/plugins/emotions/images/rolleyes.gif" border="0" />

Death Metal Moe

03-14-2006, 03:55 PM

Careful, he's like Beetlejuice.  Mention him 3 times in posts and he appears.

torker

03-14-2006, 03:59 PM

Beetlejuice.<img height="240" src="http://static.flickr.com/1/380472_a6a195680f_m.jpg" width="213" border="0" />

Death Metal Moe

03-14-2006, 04:02 PM

Beetlejuice<img height="325" src="http://www.jaycaddle.com/other/jerry/jerry.jpg" width="411" border="0" />

Sheeplovr

03-14-2006, 04:06 PM

As far back as I can remember I always wanted to be a Parody song writer

samnyc

03-14-2006, 04:08 PM

Thanks Billy.  It's a great comedy pyramid!What about:"I can't get a radio gig so I'm writing this book."

Bulldogcakes

03-14-2006, 04:17 PM

Title- "The Color Orange" Theme song "Great balls of failure" 

This message was edited by Bulldogcakes on 3-14-06 @ 8:17 PM

FUNKMAN

03-14-2006, 04:30 PM

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceanSome drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargledHe's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it

SatCam

03-14-2006, 04:35 PM

Time: 11:35pm. Where am I? Blood runs down my face like the Mississippi. My hands scraped, knees bruised. My eyes focus on black lettering: BELMORE. I had just fallen up the stairs.

sr71blackbird

03-14-2006, 04:35 PM

"Confessions of a Poor Mans Martling"<img height="150" src="http://www.primetones.com/personalpage/images/4861/photo.jpg" width="150" border="0" />

SatCam

03-14-2006, 04:40 PM

"Eating, Drinking, Joking, Women, Kids, Chicken, Diddling, Defecation and Scratching for Dummies"

FUNKMAN

03-14-2006, 04:42 PM

If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change

SatCam

03-14-2006, 04:46 PM

I knew I hit it big when I had a heart attack on national television. It was easy street from that day on.

torker

03-14-2006, 04:52 PM

Rang dang diggedy dang di-dang, Rang dang diggedy dang di-dang, Rang dang diggedy dang di-dang diggedy dang di-dang diggedy dang di-dang.                                  <img height="179" src="http://www.lapietra.edu/hitechquestjr/nikkip/Sites/images/cocaine.jpg" width="271" border="0" />

Bulldogcakes

03-14-2006, 04:54 PM

Man, Funks on a roll.Keep em coming!

Death Metal Moe

03-14-2006, 04:56 PM

torker wrote: Rang dang diggedy dang di-dang, Rang dang diggedy dang di-dang, Rang dang diggedy dang di-dang diggedy dang di-dang diggedy dang di-dang.                                  <img height="179" src="http://www.lapietra.edu/hitechquestjr/nikkip/Sites/images/cocaine.jpg" width="271" border="0" />He can't just rip Ministry off like that man.

HBox

03-14-2006, 05:08 PM

I'd like to apologize in advance for what you are about to read.

SinA

03-14-2006, 05:22 PM

....its aMazing how far you can get....in tehh road of life....ridng on the coat-tails of other losers....

FUNKMAN

03-14-2006, 05:24 PM

Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'

This message was edited by FUNKMAN on 3-14-06 @ 9:27 PM

torker

03-14-2006, 05:25 PM

The end.

Bulldogcakes

03-14-2006, 05:33 PM

"I Snort the Line""Bar Wars-Revenge of the Shmuck" "King Bong""The Chronicles of Intoxia- The Lying, The Itch and The Withdrawls"

torker

03-14-2006, 05:41 PM

Rehab...shit, I'm still in rehab.

Marc with a c

03-14-2006, 06:04 PM

confessions of a parallel writer.

Dirtybird12

03-19-2006, 11:31 AM

falling upstairs - falling up stairs

BoondockSaint

03-19-2006, 11:37 AM

Fat, drunk and stupid really is a way to go through life.

AppleBoy

03-19-2006, 01:10 PM

I am the hyena, I am the hyena, I am the bus driver, koo ko ka joob.

DarkHippie

03-19-2006, 01:28 PM

A Chicken Parm is a very special gift.

JPMNICK

03-19-2006, 01:33 PM

So I really thought this was going to be the time that I was going to make it.

Billy Staples

03-19-2006, 01:40 PM

ok....some of these are very good and stuff...but we have veered off the proper literary track. We have sauntered in to the title are.I need help with a classic opening line."It's not a crime if you don't get caught.  That is what my junior high school football coach told me.  Ironically I would run into him in later years at 7 am one forgotten fog of a morning in a typical old mans bar.  He looked like shit, especially the right side of his swollen abdomen, which was clearly an enlarged or cirrhotic liver.  Unfortunately, that would the last time I saw him and his words rang true at that moment and even more so at his funeral.  Drinking himself to death wasn't a crime, but he did get caught and he paid with a life sentence"see, that is an example of where I am going...but I don't like that one much but it is 100% true as my book is not about being a criminal, but rather a decent man, a human being who persevered, survived and wound up successful in a world that was spinning in the direction against him at times.  Trust is a two way street and unless all the people on the road of your life know it, follow it and never veer off it, you are guaranteed a life of disappointment. A road that leads no where and gradually has less and less cars on it as you become more and more cynical and destructive.Destruction can come in so many different ways.ok..that ain't bad...needs work, but something like that....gripping.  Hanging on to each word, cant wait to turn the page, knowing y what you are reading will be a major motion picture and with each new character in my life you wonder who would be picked to play them.  Before that, comes the day, you sit with Oprah and explain your book and how yes you did get help with it....but it is all true.   The help came from here....from you   Oh this is cool

BoondockSaint

03-19-2006, 01:43 PM

Stop useing big fonts.  It's annoying.

FUNKMAN

03-19-2006, 01:43 PM

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill itMan who fight with wife all day get no piece at night

FUNKMAN

03-19-2006, 01:49 PM

a favorite saying i heard from a millwright at Colgate was:"you never have time to do it right but you always have time to do it over"

Tall_James

03-19-2006, 02:31 PM

"It was the best of times, it was the liverwurst of times."

Judge Smails

03-19-2006, 02:52 PM

"It was the best  of times.  It was the blurst of times."<img src="http://home.houston.rr.com/epasveer/TypingMonkeyLarge.jpg" border="0" />

Death Metal Moe

03-19-2006, 02:55 PM

Just drop a few BaBa Booeys on a page and you know you'll get a couple hundred thousand mouth breathers to buy it.

bobrobot

03-19-2006, 03:04 PM

"Listen: Billy Staples has come unstuck in time."(homage to Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse 5, first line...)

This message was edited by bobogolem on 3-20-06 @ 9:38 AM

FezPaul

03-19-2006, 04:44 PM

"It was the best of Christmas song parodies, it was the worst of Christmas song parodies.........OK it was the worst."

Freakshow

03-19-2006, 04:57 PM

"I saw Billy Staples at Staples"--best opening line ever.

FUNKMAN

03-19-2006, 07:57 PM

Gunter glieben glauchen globen

Billy Staples

03-19-2006, 08:50 PM

"I saw Billy Staples at Staples"--best opening line ever. If I may..."I saw Billy Staples at Staples buying staples"--best opening line ever.

tele7

03-19-2006, 08:52 PM

FUNKMAN wrote: Gunter glieben glauchen globen Finally!  The perfect amount of cowbell.

tele7

03-19-2006, 08:56 PM

Billy Staples wrote: "I saw Billy Staples at Staples"--best opening line ever. If I may..."I saw Billy Staples at Staples buying staples"--best opening line ever. "While working at Staples, I saw Billy Staples returning staples while on his way to staples"

suggums

03-19-2006, 09:03 PM

In my drunker and more vulnerable years my papa steve gave me some advice that I've been turning over in my mind
ever since.

This message was edited by suggums on 3-20-06 @ 1:40 AM

PanterA

03-19-2006, 09:35 PM

Four snorts and seven beers ago...

The Jays

03-19-2006, 10:26 PM

Good essay topic could be how the fuck is Billy Staples trying to pull out the word Gestaldt on us

curtoid

03-20-2006, 05:28 AM

"Abused by the daily torment of the Radio Shark, I anxiously allowed myself to hope that Cameron Gray would be a friend and liberator."

Coach

03-20-2006, 07:17 AM

"are you ready to Laugh? I said ARE YOU READY TO LAUGH???"

FUNKMAN

03-20-2006, 08:37 AM

"one time, in band camp"

FezPaul

03-20-2006, 01:44 PM

And boom goes the dynamite.........

bobrobot

03-20-2006, 01:58 PM

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable. <img height="424" src="http://vit.pp.ru/uploads/pics/drunkard.jpg" width="420" border="0" />

TheRealEddie

03-21-2006, 02:09 PM

judge_smails wrote: "It was the best of times. It was the blurst of times." This made me laugh. Nice reference!<img width="221" height="180" border="0" src="http://www.electronicfreedom.org/images/monty_burns.png" /> 

This message was edited by TheRealEddie on 3-21-06 @ 6:10 PM