Write Roberto's Act [Archive] - RonFez.net Messageboard

mikeyboy

04-11-2006, 06:52 AM

Of course you've heard East Side Dave and his ventriliquist dummy Roberto on the air.  Got any material for their act?  Post it here.  If Dave uses it and wins a Best Comedy Album Grammy, he'll thank you in his acceptance speech (time permitting, of course).Dave: Say, RobertoRoberto: Yes, Dave?Dave: Did you watch American Idol last night?Roberto: I didn't Dave.Dave: Why not?Roberto: I couldn't reach the remote.  I'm just a puppet!

JerseyRich

04-11-2006, 06:54 AM

Dave: Hey Roberto! How ya feelin' today?Roberto: Not so good Dave.Dave: Why's that Roberto?Roberto: You kept me awake all night trying to fuck me in the ass!

SinA

04-11-2006, 06:57 AM

Dave: What's wrong, Roberto?Roberto: I'm sad, Dave.Dave: Why?Roberto: Because you're a big, dopey looking copperheaded Mick, and you've got your hand up my ass all the time.Dave: But Roberto, you're a puppet.Roberto: At least I write my own material!

bobrobot

04-11-2006, 06:59 AM

Dave: "Hey Roberto, Budday. Why are you always so slow to get outta the bed in the morning?"Roberto: "I'm ashamed of myself because I always wake up with a woody!"

Plethora

04-11-2006, 06:59 AM

Roberto: Dave, do you ever wear pants?Dave: Of course, I do RobertoRoberto: No I mean at home... seriously could you put on some pants?!Dave: Oh, RobertoRoberto: It's like you've given up on pants!

bobrobot

04-11-2006, 07:02 AM

Dave: "Hey Roberto Budday, How come your bed is always full of sawdust in the morning?"Roberto: "I have trouble getting to sleep at night and it helps relax me if I rub one out!"

Plethora

04-11-2006, 07:06 AM

Dave: Say Roberto, I woke up this morning and I had a splinter in my lip.  Know anything about that?Roberto: I sure don't Dave.  But would it kill you to sleep on your stomach sometimes?

Sheeplovr

04-11-2006, 07:08 AM

Dave: Hey Roberto 
Roberto: whats that smell 
Dave: What smell? 
Roberto: It smells like the Ocean and Doritos 
Dave: oh umm sorry... 
Roberto: you sick bastard you didn't wash your hands again

bobrobot

04-11-2006, 07:09 AM

Roberto: "Hey Dave budday, What do you call a ventriloquist without a dummy."Dave: "I dunno Roberto, What DO you call a ventriloquist without a dummy?"Roberto: "a gentleman"

bobrobot

04-11-2006, 07:16 AM

Dave: "Hey Roberto budday, Who's your favorite actress?"Roberto: "Natalie Wood"

Marc with a c

04-11-2006, 07:20 AM

dave: where did you get that shirt? roberto: it's my varisty jersey. dave: you played varsity? roberto: no, but your girlfriend did give me a blow job.

This message was edited by evedder on 4-11-06 @ 11:20 AM

Plethora

04-11-2006, 07:23 AM

Dave: Have you ever given a grown man a handy?Roberto: Of course not, Dave.  I'm just a puppet, my hands are too small and... (unzip sound)Roberto: (sadly) Oh, nevermind.

bobrobot

04-11-2006, 07:27 AM

Dave: "Hey Roberto budday, What were those curls of wood in the sink this morning?"Roberto: "Oh, I was shaving."<img height="314" src="http://www.hophotographers.com/media/portfolio/things2003/woodplane.jpg" width="400" border="0" />

Tall_James

04-11-2006, 08:28 AM

ESD - Roberto, I hear you had to go to the Doctor yesterday, anything wrong?Roberto - Yeah, I got a sexually transmitted disease from my girlfriend Fern.ESD - Not your boyfriend Chip?Roberto - Fuck you ESD.ESD - Sorry Roberto. So what did she give you - the crabs?Roberto - Worse...termites.

KennethC

04-11-2006, 08:31 AM

ROBERTO: I can't go on like this. DAVE: That's what you think. ROBERTO: If we parted? That might be better for us. DAVE: We'll hang ourselves tomorrow. (Pause.) Unless Godot comes. ROBERTO: And if he comes? DAVE: We'll be saved. Dave takes off his hat, peers inside it, feels about inside it, shakes it, knocks on the crown, puts it on again. ROBERTO: Well? Shall we go? DAVE: Pull on your trousers. ROBERTO: What? DAVE: Pull on your trousers. ROBERTO: You want me to pull off my trousers? DAVE: Pull ON your trousers. ROBERTO: (realizing his trousers are down). True. He pulls up his trousers. DAVE: Well? Shall we go? ROBERTO: Yes, let's go. They do not move.

This message was edited by KennethC on 4-11-06 @ 12:33 PM

Fallon

04-11-2006, 08:34 AM

Roberto: Knock KnockDave: Who's there?Roberto: Wood.Dave: Wood who?Roberto: Wood ya?<img width="100" height="120" border="0" src="http://home.comcast.net/%7Ebob80/jame_gumb.jpg" /> 

This message was edited by Fallon on 4-11-06 @ 12:36 PM

Plethora

04-11-2006, 08:41 AM

KennethC wrote: DAVE: We'll hang ourselves tomorrow. (Pause.) Unless Godot comes.  I applaud the Beckett shout out (as I am wont to do)... wait, or should I be snapping my fingers?

bobrobot

04-11-2006, 09:19 AM

Dave: "Hey Roberto budday, Why are you shitting in that tiny lil can?"Roberto: "Where do ya think wood putty COMES from, the Easter bunny???"

Marc with a c

04-11-2006, 10:07 AM

KennethC wrote: ROBERTO: I can't go on like this. DAVE: That's what you think. ROBERTO: If we parted? That might be better for us. DAVE: We'll hang ourselves tomorrow. (Pause.) Unless Godot comes. ROBERTO: And if he comes? DAVE: We'll be saved. Dave takes off his hat, peers inside it, feels about inside it, shakes it, knocks on the crown, puts it on again. ROBERTO: Well? Shall we go? DAVE: Pull on your trousers. ROBERTO: What? DAVE: Pull on your trousers. ROBERTO: You want me to pull off my trousers? DAVE: Pull ON your trousers. ROBERTO: (realizing his trousers are down). True. He pulls up his trousers. DAVE: Well? Shall we go? ROBERTO: Yes, let's go. They do not move....and scene

ChildofFez

04-11-2006, 10:17 AM

Dave: Hey Roberto ever had a colonoscapy?Roberto: I don't know you tell me you're always up there.

Earlshog

04-11-2006, 10:22 AM

ChildofFez wrote: Dave: Hey Roberto ever had a colonoscapy?Roberto: I don't know you tell me you're always up there.Shouldnt the punchline be "its a real pain in the ass...."

ChildofFez

04-11-2006, 10:23 AM

Earlshog wrote: ChildofFez wrote: Dave: Hey Roberto ever had a colonoscapy?Roberto: I don't know you tell me you're always up there.Shouldnt the punchline be "its a real pain in the ass...."well yeah...but since it was a puppet i figure i'd go for ya know another hack punchline and well well well SHUT UP!!

Tall_James

04-11-2006, 10:32 AM

ESD - OUCH! I got a splinter!!!!Roberto - Yeah, well I've been eating more bran lately.

This message was edited by Tall_James on 4-11-06 @ 2:32 PM

MobCounty

04-11-2006, 10:41 AM

I'd like to hear Roberto do impressions.I'd like Dave to play Ron and Roberto to play Dave.

Tall_James

04-11-2006, 10:44 AM

<img height="333" src="http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c174/cheeseeatingbird/hogan.jpg" width="264" border="0" />"Hey Roberto, how's about you, me and the Colonel Klink puppet get together for a puppet swinger's party over in Santa Monica?  I'll bring the videotape equipment - you bring the belt sander."

This message was edited by Tall_James on 4-11-06 @ 3:10 PM

mikeyboy

04-11-2006, 11:33 AM

Dave: Hey, Roberto, Do you know what they call a Quarter Pounder with cheese in France? Roberto: How the fuck would I know.  I'm a puppet.

FezPaul

04-11-2006, 03:11 PM

Dave: Roberto, why does your voice keep changing?Roberto: Because you have the concentration ability of a gnat.

FUNKMAN

04-11-2006, 03:34 PM

Dave: "hey roberto, if we're walking down the street and there's a fifty dollar bill on the ground and you pick it up, who's is it?"Roberto: "mine"Dave: "hey roberto, if we're walking down the street and there's a hundred dollar bill on the ground and you pick it up, who's is it?"Roberto: "mine"Dave: "hey roberto, if we're alone in the apartment and you find a cock in your mouth, who's is it?Roberto: "yours" Dave: "hey roberto, what's your favorite soda flavor?"Roberto: "birch beer"Dave: "hey roberto, who's your favorite hockey team?" Roberto: "the maple leaves"Dave: "hey roberto, where's your mommy and daddy?"Roberto: "laying in the woods"Dave: "hey roberto, do you ever get nervous?"Roberto: "yeah, i got this knot in my stomach"Dave: "hey roberto, how old are you?"Roberto: "6 rings old"

bobrobot

04-11-2006, 03:40 PM

FUNKMAN wrote: Dave: "hey roberto, where's your mommy and daddy?"Roberto: "laying in the woods"  Roberto's Granny fell down in the woods alone, but no one heard her!

FUNKMAN

04-11-2006, 03:53 PM

Dave: "hey roberto, did you ever get crabs?"Roberto: "no, only electroplankton"Dave: "where's that Bobo?"

FUNKMAN

04-11-2006, 06:23 PM

Dave: "hey roberto, if i said you had a hard body would you hold it against me?"Roberto: "you're one sick bastard"Dave: "hey roberto, was your mom a dog?"Roberto: "no, but she did bark alot"Dave: "hey roberto, tell me about your heritage"Roberto: "i'd have to look at my family tree"

tele7

04-11-2006, 09:17 PM

Dave:  Hey Roberto, Why does Paul McCartney love your family so much?Roberto:  That's easy Dave, my sister still helps support his wife.

PapaBear

04-11-2006, 09:36 PM

telecaster7 wrote: Dave:  Hey Roberto, Why does Paul McCartney love your family so much?Roberto:  That's easy Dave, my sister still helps support his wife.   That should have been "my sister, Peg helps support his wife".

PapaBear

04-11-2006, 09:41 PM

Dave: Hey Roberto, I found some photos of Asian teens in in your nightstand. What's up with that?Roberto: What can I say? I'm a regular "Woody Allen".

tele7

04-11-2006, 10:11 PM

PapaBear wrote: telecaster7 wrote: Dave:  Hey Roberto, Why does Paul McCartney love your family so much?Roberto:  That's easy Dave, my sister still helps support his wife.   That should have been "my sister, Peg helps support his wife".Agreed. I googled "I'm a hack" and that's what I got.

Mike Teacher

04-11-2006, 11:00 PM

Roberto: Whats the difference between me and you? Dave: What? Roberto: One of us is just a once-living piece of matter now dead and rotting, a lifeless mass with no substance or cognition whatsoever, no personality, literally brainless, inanimate, incapable of even the most basic function without assistance, utterly devoid of energy, and the other is a Ventriloquist's Dummy.

This message was edited by Mike Teacher on 4-12-06 @ 3:02 AM

Coach

04-11-2006, 11:46 PM

ROBERTO: (in the inner room). I hear what you are saying, Dave. But how am I to get through the evenings out here? DAVE: (turning over the papers). Oh, I daresay Judge Fez will be so kind as to look in now and then, even though I am out. FEZ: (in the arm-chair, calls out gaily). Every blessed evening, with all the pleasure in life, Dave! We shall get on capitally together, we two! ROBERTO: (speaking loud and clear). Yes, don't you flatter yourself we will, Judge Fez? Now that you are the one cock in the basket- (A shot is heard from within. DAVE, EARL, and FEZ leap to their feet.) DAVE: Oh, now he is playing with those pistols again. (He throws back the curtains and runs in, followed by EARL. ROBERTO lies stretched on the sofa, lifeless. Confusion and cries. RON enters in alarm from the right.) DAVE: (shrieks to FEZ). Shot himself!. Shot himself in the temple! Fancy that!  FEZ:(half-fainting in the arm-chair). Good God!- people don't do such things. - - THE END From: Hedda GablerNow if only Dave would join....

This message was edited by Coach on 4-12-06 @ 3:59 AM

MobCounty

04-12-2006, 06:56 AM

I want to see Roberto hipnotized!

FezPaul

04-12-2006, 04:11 PM

Dave: Hi Roberto, how are you today?Roberto: Hola Dave, muy buenno!Dave: What did you say? I don't understand spanish.Roberto: Then how the fuck did I say it? Remember kids, in spanish, the "H" is often silent.

biscutt4

04-12-2006, 04:45 PM

roberto: say dave...dave: yes roberto....roberto: guess what...dave: whats that?roberto: YOU FUCKING SUCK AT THIS!!!!

FUNKMAN

04-12-2006, 04:52 PM

Dave: "hi roberto, that Frenchie was so hot i'm gonna go run a batch"Roberto: "batches? we don't need no stinkin batches"

Billy Staples

04-12-2006, 06:49 PM

Roberto:  I am such a manly man, could give that Frenchy a shuddering thigh shakiing OFrenchy:  OH Robert, you mean like the big O Dave gave you at the end of your name?

FUNKMAN

04-12-2006, 07:35 PM

Dave: "hey roberto, where do you go when you want a little action"Roberto "to the west side"Dave "you bastard"wood chipper motor begins to hum

FezPaul

04-12-2006, 08:02 PM

http://i49.photobucket.com/albums/f281/FezPaul/nime.jpg Dave: Okay Roberto, touch the wall.Roberto:

DrJohnnyFever

04-13-2006, 04:08 PM

Roberto - Hey Dave, I was wondering...Dave - What about Roberto?Roberto - I was wondering if we could start to use more of the jokes from RonFez.netDave - What do you mean Roberto? Your jokes are funny.Roberto - Oh ya?   Well then let Ron stick his hand up my ass and lets see how funny I am...

Plethora

04-13-2006, 10:00 PM

Roberto:  Hey Dave, would you like to go out with me for a nice dinner tonight?  I'm buying! Dave: Would I! Roberto: Wood Eye?  Yeah my eyes are made out of wood, I'm a puppet you stupid Ronald McDonald-headed jackass! (awkward pause) Roberto: Hey Dave, would you like to hear some knock-knock jokes? Dave: Would I! Roberto: Watch it, carrot top...  Knock Knock! Dave: Who's there? Roberto: West Side Dave: West Side who? Roberto: West Side's leaving you for Roberto!  She thinks that I might just make an excellent chef! Roberto: Okay, now you do one. Dave: (confused) Okay... Knock knock. Roberto: Go fuck yourself. Dave: Oh Roberto, the things you say... Roberto: Say, Dave. Dave: Yes Roberto? Roberto: Would you like to know what my favorite song is? Dave: Would I? Roberto: Listen, rat eyes, that joke is over, okay? Dave: Okay... Say, Roberto, what's your favorite song? Roberto: Mr. ROBERTO by STYX! (Roberto now sings an extended version of MR ROBERTO to the tune of MR ROBOTO by STYX) (Ron then kills them both, or maybe Dave's head explodes from the strain, you decide)