A Pretty Serious Problem... What Should I Do?

[ShelleBink]

<p>I know I've mentioned a few times about my cousin ((who lives across the street from me)) and how I hang with her often.&nbsp; But between working a new job down the shore and moving to Long Branch in a few weeks, I know I'll see her a lot less... and this is why I am going to worry.<br /><br />First some background.&nbsp; She got pregnant a few years ago with her first child, and married the father.&nbsp; Many warned against them getting married but they did anyway.&nbsp; Her husband has a severe drinking problem and has cheated on her, but she will not get rid of him because she wants her kids ((there are two more)) to have a father.&nbsp; He doesn't have a job, his license is revoked, and he drinks beer and plays XBox all day.&nbsp; They live rent free at her parents house, and don't have to buy groceries or other essentials.&nbsp; They live in the lower level of the house and it smells of urine ((because they don't clean the 4 year old's sheets or mattress after she has a nighttime accident)), and there 1 year old son is filthy all the time.&nbsp; Her husband refuses to let anyone feed his son McDonalds or junk food, and spends $40 on shoes for the son, and the girls are wearing too tight shoes from last year.&nbsp; There are thousands of stories I can share with you, but basically, my family and the neighbors will speak of it, but do nothing about it.<br /><br />On Sunday, we went to a party at a mutual friend's house, about 4 blocks away.&nbsp; Their kids were throwing temper tantrums ((albeit it was a long day... a parade, spending the day outside in the pool, etc)) but my cousin and her husband didn't want to leave the party ((or booze)).&nbsp; She proceeded to drink a bottle of Jim Beam and 6 Miller Lites during the course of the party ((which, I saw her drinking, but it wasn't until after they left the part for good that I found out how much it was)).&nbsp; Eventually we convinced her to stop, and the kids were getting out of control.&nbsp; I told her maybe she should bring them home since they were really tired ((this was around 10 pm)) and just call it a night.&nbsp; So I brought the 4 year old to the car and put her in the carseat but didn't know how to buckle it.&nbsp; I waited by the car, with the door open and talking to the kid.&nbsp; The kid said &quot;Just close the door and I'll sleep coz Mommy won't care&quot; ... I told her No, I'll wait til mommy comes and I'll say goodbye to everyone.&nbsp; So they get to the car, and I ask her husband to buckle the 4 year old in since I wasn't sure how it fastened.&nbsp; He said &quot;No, its only a few blocks, its no big deal.&quot;&nbsp; So I asked her to do it.&nbsp; They brought the kids home, came back to the party ((her parents were home... but were asleep and didn't know they brought the kids back)) and left again when her mom called cursing her out.<br /><br />It wasn't until later that I found out how much she drank and I let her drive her kids home.&nbsp; On top of this, she has a suspended license.&nbsp; If anything happened ((or happens)) to those kids, I will not forgive myself.</p><p>Now comes the portion... what do I do.</p><p>Her parents are obviously fed up with her behavior and her husband's behavior.&nbsp; I thought of approaching him one day while walking the dog, and speaking to him in private in our back yard with my mom present... I have nothing but the utmost respect for him, he is a very well known person in the community.&nbsp; I don't want him to see me as ratting out his daughter... because he does not know her license is suspended, nor does he know just how often she goes out drinking and says she's going to the bank, etc.&nbsp; She smokes cigarettes constantly, but lies and says they're other peoples.&nbsp; Her father doesn't want to kick them out for the sake of the kids, which is the only reaons they put up with my cousin and her husband's shit.<br /><br />Her sister is coming to Jersey for a few weeks, she's in the Air Force with her husband and this is the first time their baby is coming to NJ.&nbsp; My mom suggested I approac

[Furtherman]

If it wasn't your cousin, you should mind your business, but this is family.&nbsp; By all means talk to the parents and the sister.&nbsp; Let them know the seriousness of the situation.&nbsp; If she thinks you &quot;ratted her out&quot; and is upset, that will pass when she gets her shit together.&nbsp; If that good fortune should happen, she will thank you.&nbsp; If not, at least you'll know you tried, which is a better comfort then knowing you stood by and did nothing.&nbsp;

[ShelleBink]

<p>I already thought about if she gets upset and doesn't speak to me. If that happens, so be it, but like I said, I wouldn't forgive myself if something happened and I didn't try to prevent it.&nbsp; </p><p>A lot of our friends are just fed up with her and even more so with her husband's drinking and behavior.&nbsp; At the party, 4 people left shortly after arriving only because they were there.&nbsp; I spoke to the friend who threw the party yesterday and she said unless absolutely necessary, she doesn't want to be involved because its causing drama between her and her husband and other friends.&nbsp; I respect that friend's request but was kinda put off by the fact that I have a feeling I'm going to most likely end up doing this alone.&nbsp; I even spoke for a short time last night with my next door neighbor, and he also worries about it causing a rift between he and his wife ... since they have issues about them showing up and their house all the time, drinking their alcohol, etc. &nbsp; </p>

[Jennitalia]

it's not like you're trying to cause trouble or create drama.&nbsp; But you care about your cousin and her kids.&nbsp; you should definitely say something.&nbsp; it's not like she and her husband are just ruining their own lives, but they're ruining the lives of their children as well.&nbsp; it sounds like they're very selfish people in denial of reality, and unfortunately, it sounds as if it'll take something horrific to happen before they see the light and start making decisions to benefit the kids, and even if something does happen, it doesnt guarantee they'll change.&nbsp;&nbsp; but if you&nbsp; or the others dont do or say anything and something does happen, you'll all feel guilty and awful for not stepping in.&nbsp; they'll have to get over their egos and accept responsibility for their actions.&nbsp; at this point is sounds like they're not worthy enough to be parents.&nbsp;

[FUNKMAN]

<p>It sounds to me like they are 'in too deep' with the alcohol and speaking to them will not amount to much other than giving yourself&nbsp;a 'little piece of mind' for speaking up. Looks to be a situation for professional help such as 'maybe' the DYFS Agency.</p><p>I'm not sure of exactly how DYFS would approach it and whether you can remain anonymous. Keep their number on hand and if a situation like the one&nbsp;that just happened arises again where they leave the children unbuckled and then unattended then give them a call.</p><p>Sorry you have to deal with this situation. Life&nbsp;can be stressful enough just taking care of yourself!&nbsp;</p>

[WhistlePig]

Call child protective services. Now. Your family will be mad at you but what is
more important? Saving face and having people pissed or these children's
welfare? I can't believe all these people see this happening and are doing
nothing. Be the one to take action--these children need help! And your cousin is
just as bad if not worse than her scumbag husband. She chose this asshole and
knew what he was like and made 3 kids with him anyway. Now the kids have to
suffer.
Get off the computer and make the call now. Don't wait for the next incident--it
might involve a death of one of the children and you don't want that on your
conscience.

[DarkHippie]

WhistlePig is right.&nbsp; You have to call CPS.&nbsp; The lives of the children is the most important thing.

[Gvac]

<p>Exhaust all possible options before going the legal route.&nbsp; Something like calling CPS, no matter how justified, will tear a rift in the family that will never be repaired.&nbsp; Speak to anyone and everyone in the family and tell them exactly what you just told all of us.&nbsp; </p><p>If no one is willing to step in and do something, then you've got to do what you've got to do. &nbsp;&nbsp;</p>

[narc]

I'd go through the family first like GVac said, and at the first sign of any more nonsense - you don't have a choice. I know how furious I would be if someone was exposing my nieces and nephews to that sort of thing. But you should avoid the legal route as much as possible. It's the worst possible thing because it may be the perfect example of the government fucking things up further. Any sort of family court situation is inevitably, an absolute horror-show nightmare of biblical proportions.

[sr71blackbird]

<p>Sounds like a bad situation, and if you first try and go to the family for help, and that fails, and you then go to Child Services, they will all know you were the one to&nbsp;&quot;blow the whistle&quot; on them.&nbsp; Its tricky. I think nothing good will come of it and you might be best to turn your back on that chapter of your life and&nbsp;dont look back.&nbsp; As&nbsp;sad as that is.&nbsp; It is really their own responsibility.&nbsp; On the other hand, if you did not alert the rest of the family as to your intentions and placed the call, no one would know it was you who alerted Child Services.&nbsp; This way, the kids get help, and you get to move on knowing you did a good thing, but you did kind of &quot;screw&quot; your friend...but is&nbsp;that really a bad thing in the scheme of things?...think about it.&nbsp; She would end up free of the dirt bag and the kids would be helped.&nbsp; Because if you ignore it, they will grow up as trailer trash with no positive outlook.</p>

[Bulldogcakes]

<p>&nbsp;</p><strong>DarkHippie</strong> wrote:<br />WhistlePig is right. You have to call CPS. The lives of the children is the most important thing.<p>&nbsp;</p><p>Add me to the chorus. Worrying about how your friend will feel about it, and being called a &quot;Rat&quot; or &quot;Tattle tale&quot; is nothing compared to what might happen to the kids. Somebody should put the kids needs first. Since they obviously dont, you should. <br /></p><blockquote /><p>&nbsp;</p>

[mdr55]

<p>&nbsp;</p><strong>FUNKMAN</strong> wrote:<br /><p>It
sounds to me like they are 'in too deep' with the alcohol and speaking
to them will not amount to much other than giving yourself a 'little
piece of mind' for speaking up. Looks to be a situation for
professional help such as 'maybe' the DYFS Agency.</p><p>I'm not sure
of exactly how DYFS would approach it and whether you can remain
anonymous. Keep their number on hand and if a situation like the one
that just happened arises again where they leave the children unbuckled
and then unattended then give them a call.</p><p>Sorry you have to deal with this situation. Life can be stressful enough just taking care of yourself! </p><p>&nbsp;</p><p>&nbsp;</p><p>What
Funkman said. You can only do so much. And with the drinking and
reckless behavior detrimental to the welfare of the children, you
should alert the appropriate resources (DYFS). Better sooner than when
it's too late.<br />
</p><blockquote /><p>&nbsp;</p>

[sanssleep]

<p><font size="2">I say bite the bullet and get the family involved for a united front if possible.&nbsp; Calling CPS is the easy way out and could end up hurting the kids, use it as a last resort.&nbsp; </font></p><p><font size="2">My brother in-law (whitetrash) has 3 kids and was a drinker, he would consistantly drop them off for &quot;30 minutes&quot; and return the next day, which was a pain in the ass, but he would also get drunk in front of the kids all the time and drive from family parties, half lit with the kids in the car.&nbsp; My wife would try to speak to him but nothing seemed to sink in and she didn't want to talk to her parents because they were embarresed about it.&nbsp; Eventually my Aunt - inlaw called CPS without telling anyone.&nbsp; They came and, after 3 visits and 2 months, took the kids.&nbsp; The kids ended up in state homes for nearly 6 months before my wife's parents could get them back.&nbsp; When it all went down, my wife was accused of calling CPS by her parents, they knew we were upset at always having to look after his kids.&nbsp; They said they would have sat down with him and fought for the kids if they knew others in the family were that serious.&nbsp; Needless to say my wife and her parents are still having a hard time talking and its been 2 years.</font></p><p><font size="2">Talk to the family first and try to find an ally, CPS is for strangers not for family.</font></p>

[ShelleBink]

I've decided to speak with her sister when she arrives... she's going to be staying around 2 weeks so I figure if I speak to her when she comes, she can observe ((I figured her seeing things herself would be a good idea)). And since she'll be staying *at* the house, she will see a lot more ((and also be able to do a lot more, if need be)). I don't mean to throw it on her shoulders or pass the buck, but I figure this would be a good start.

PS, her sister comes up from WV tomorrow.