Always So Lonely [Archive] - RonFez.net Messageboard

dereckfishboy

09-30-2006, 09:33 AM

It's been four months since our daughter was born, and my chick seems to have no idea I exist. Once and a while I get a hug out of her, but aside from that I may as well be one of the cats. Actually, I take that back. The friggin cats get more attention.  I know she just had a kid, and she's going through issues with her five-year-old being the class asshole at school. But all the same, it seems like she has no yearning for me whatsoever anymore. I'm still in my twenties for gods sake, I've got too much passion in me to be ignored. I know it sounds so selfish, but I'm toward the bottom of her list of priorities and I feel like I should be higher. I don't know, it just seems like every part of her life is going back to the way it was except us.   Can anyone give me some advice? How long is the fallout from having a kid? Am I being impatient? Should I be concerned about how she feels, or will we go back to normal eventually? Is this that post-partum shit I hear about? Please, any parents out there, help out a first-time dad!

Gvac

09-30-2006, 09:38 AM

First off, congrats on being a first time dad!  Enjoy the experience.Secondly, there's an old saying that states the love of a man's life is his woman; the love of a woman's life is her children.  It's just a fact of life and one you're going to have to accept.  It's the way we're programmed by nature.  I'm sure you'll still have some passionate moments together, but she'll always be much more interested in her kids than you.  Sorry to be so straight forward, but as I said, it's just a simple fact of life.

dereckfishboy

09-30-2006, 09:44 AM

Gvac wrote: but she'll always be much more interested in her kids than you. Sorry to be so straight forward, but as I said, it's just a simple fact of life.    I can dig that, she already had a son when we started dating and I'd thnk she was a shitty person to ever put me before him. I can tell you right now, I love my daughter more than I could ever love anyone else including my chick, so I'm %100 cool with that. I just don't get that drastic change after kid #2.  Fuck, I've got too much libido to be a non-factor.

dereckfishboy

09-30-2006, 09:46 AM

Gvac wrote: First off, congrats on being a first time dad! Enjoy the experience.  Oh yeah, thanks man. I appreciate it. It's really has been a blast so far.

Bulldogcakes

09-30-2006, 05:37 PM

Now you know why the world's oldest profession is . . . well . . . the world's oldest profession.

Krieger

09-30-2006, 05:43 PM

Why not just pretend to be not interested in her for a week or so, maybe get her jealos a bit. If she thinks you dont care as much as she may be showing then she'll give you the attention you desire. Idk that might be very wrong..

Doctor Z

09-30-2006, 05:50 PM

Wrong thread.

This message was edited by Doctor_Z on 9-30-06 @ 9:50 PM

dereckfishboy

09-30-2006, 07:31 PM

Angry Kevin wrote: Why not just pretend to be not interested in her for a week or so, maybe get her jealos a bit. If she thinks you dont care as much as she may be showing then she'll give you the attention you desire. Idk that might be very wrong..     Eh. Didn't work. She doesn't care enough to notice whether I care or not. She's adamant about wanting to be with me though, which is just screwy.

Gaia

09-30-2006, 08:10 PM

Awwwww...dont be lonely! I feel so badly when someone says that because I know what it's like...I am SURE this is just a "phase" so to speak...your little girl is still a new addition in your lives, and I am sure once things get  settled in; all will go back to normal. I have a suggestion, maybe in the coming days or weeks you can plan a little something....have someone that both you and your wife are 100% comfortable with to watch the baby and your stepson for a WHOLE NIGHT. But make this a surprise, ie; do all the planning in secret, pack a bag for the baby, or if you would like; get a nice hotel room for that one night for yourself and also Pack a bag for your wife...simple...next day jeans sweatshirt socks undies toiletries...(I would help you but I'm not comin' to the cheese state kid) I say this because it would be more of a hassle to drop the baby off with a bag and pick her up in the morning etc. Also....tell your wife that you would like to take her out the MORNING of the date, this way she has more than enough time to plan (get a nice dress cleaned or purchase one...time to get ready...you know how we are...etc DO NOT give her details, just tell her to look her sexiest and to make sure that you have packed an appropriate bag for her, OR maybe if she has a sister you can trust she can do the packing for you. Set the night up to do things you BOTH enjoyed doing together before the baby came...I dont know what those things are because I dont know you...but make those fun and interesting....go to her favorite nice restaurant for dinner ( if you would like have her FAVORITE  flowers delivered to the table prior to your arrival and give the restaurant specific instructions to put them out PRIOR to you getting there and being seated)...then do something else...like go to a quite little bar and entertain each other with nice conversation..or mini golfing, or a movie, or maybe go on a midnight hayride...maybe go to your favorite outdoor place, the beach or a beautiful park and enjoy dessert toghether admiring the scenery (im soooo f'n gay) ...be creative...and if she gets wierd about the baby assure her  the baby is "fine"...It may sound wierd, but only give her 2 times to call home about the baby...middle of the evening, and end of the night. Here's the key.....when the night starts and shes had a little bit of wine or whatever...look into her eyes and tell her you love her....tell her "I MISS YOU"..... tell her you miss the little things....the hugs, the kisses.....the looks you get when you used to pass each other in the kitchen (oh wait thats me...j/k) be honest, open and sincere...do it with feeling and she will know where you are coming from....dont tell her what she DOESNT do anymore...remind her of she does do,  and what you love about her...and hopefully those things will come back up to the surface.....hopefully after a great night...you will then go back to the hotel room and have what I like to call "hot raunchy dirty monkey sex".So thats my suggestion...shit happens after a new little baby is born, and she is a pretty little thing by the way. :)Thats my $7.50

Gaia

09-30-2006, 08:11 PM

Angry Kevin wrote: Why not just pretend to be not interested in her for a week or so, maybe get her jealos a bit. If she thinks you dont care as much as she may be showing then she'll give you the attention you desire. Idk that might be very wrong.. Sorry KEvin...that only works in high school honey...and since you will be getting out soon..Im just giving you a heads up. It gets tiring when a guy does it...and after a while its syonara!!!!!!!!

Fez4PrezN2008

09-30-2006, 08:17 PM

Dude, if she is not puttin out within 2 weeks of poping that one out then IT IS NOT YOUR'S !!! She is just telling you it is so she can soak up all your dough and stay at your pad. That post-partum crap is a cover story that they all use ! After 4 months is more than enough time to get a little rough with her now too. Show her who's boss.

tele7

09-30-2006, 08:36 PM

dereckfishboy

09-30-2006, 08:47 PM

Gaia wrote: I would help you but I'm not comin' to the cheese state kid Cheese state? I prefer to call it the "beer-gut and intolerant redneck state". I guess the view is a little different from the inside. Gaia wrote: you will then go back to the hotel room and have what I like to call "hot raunchy dirty monkey sex I'm not sure what you mean by dirty monkey sex, but if you are implying that I should fling handfulls of shit at her, I'm going to have to say that you and I differ on our definition of "hot".  Gaia wrote: she is a pretty little thing by the way.   Thank
you. Since she seems to be of the same ethnicity as me, I hopefully had a genetic contribution to the aforementioned prettiness.

Gaia

09-30-2006, 08:51 PM

I'm not sure what you mean by dirty monkey sex, but if you are implying that I should fling handfulls of shit at her, I'm going to have to say that you and I differ on our definition of "hot". Relax...it's just another term I use for drunken hot porno sex.....do it up!!! So what about my idea...you no likey???

dereckfishboy

09-30-2006, 08:52 PM

Fez4PrezN2008 wrote: Dude, if she is not puttin out within 2 weeks of poping that one out then IT IS NOT YOUR'S !!! She is just telling you it is so she can soak up all your dough and stay at your pad. That post-partum crap is a cover story that they all use ! After 4 months is more than enough time to get a little rough with her now too. Show her who's boss.    Seeing as I sleep with women who have self-esteem, our experiences in dating are probably to far apart for your advice to be applicable. Thanks anyway.

dereckfishboy

09-30-2006, 09:06 PM

Gaia wrote: I'm not sure what you mean by dirty monkey sex, but if you are implying that I should fling handfulls of shit at her, I'm going to have to say that you and I differ on our definition of "hot". Relax...it's just another term I use for drunken hot porno sex.....do it up!!! So what about my idea...you no likey??? I likey alot. It sounds fantastic in theory. In exuction however..... well, the timing is important. She's got to be in the right mindset for romance. Best suggestion so far, to be certain. 

This message was edited by dereckfishboy on 10-1-06 @ 1:07 AM

scorpion

10-01-2006, 05:49 AM

I have no advice.  But Congrats on you new baby.

mikeyboy

10-01-2006, 06:00 AM

Fez4PrezN2008 wrote: Dude, if she is not puttin out within 2 weeks of poping that one out then IT IS NOT YOUR'S !!! She is just telling you it is so she can soak up all your dough and stay at your pad. That post-partum crap is a cover story that they all use ! After 4 months is more than enough time to get a little rough with her now too. Show her who's boss. This is a little extreme.  It's pretty clear that you aren't a parent.  It does take some women a while to get back in "the mood" after giving birth.  Pushing an average size baby through your nether regions can wreak temporary hell down there, especially if there has been some tearing.  Also, by doctor's orders most of the time, a woman isn't supposed to have sex for at least 6 weeks after given birth.

Fez4PrezN2008

10-01-2006, 06:01 AM

dereckfishboy wrote:  Fez4PrezN2008 wrote: Dude, if she is not puttin out within 2 weeks of poping that one out then IT IS NOT YOUR'S !!! She is just telling you it is so she can soak up all your dough and stay at your pad. That post-partum crap is a cover story that they all use ! After 4 months is more than enough time to get a little rough with her now too. Show her who's boss.    Seeing as I sleep with women who have self-esteem, our experiences in dating are probably to far apart for your advice to be applicable. Thanks anyway. To quote Dr. Z... "it's a joke" ...

Bulldogcakes

10-01-2006, 06:35 AM

Gaia wrote: Awwwww...dont be lonely! I feel so badly when someone says that because I know what it's like...I am SURE this is just a "phase" so to speak...your little girl is still a new addition in your lives, and I am sure once things get settled in; all will go back to normal. I have a suggestion, maybe in the coming days or weeks you can plan a little something....have someone that both you and your wife are 100% comfortable with to watch the baby and your stepson for a WHOLE NIGHT. But make this a surprise, ie; do all the planning in secret, pack a bag for the baby, or if you would like; get a nice hotel room for that one night for yourself and also Pack a bag for your wife...simple...next day jeans sweatshirt socks undies toiletries...(I would help you but I'm not comin' to the cheese state kid) I say this because it would be more of a hassle to drop the baby off with a bag and pick her up in the morning etc. Also....tell your wife that you would like to take her out the MORNING of the date, this way she has more than enough time to plan (get a nice dress cleaned or purchase one...time to get ready...you know how we are...etc DO NOT give her details, just tell her to look her sexiest and to make sure that you have packed an appropriate bag for her, OR maybe if she has a sister you can trust she can do the packing for you. Set the night up to do things you BOTH enjoyed doing together before the baby came...I dont know what those things are because I dont know you...but make those fun and interesting....go to her favorite nice restaurant for dinner ( if you would like have her FAVORITE flowers delivered to the table prior to your arrival and give the restaurant specific instructions to put them out PRIOR to you getting there and being seated)...then do something else...like go to a quite little bar and entertain each other with nice conversation..or mini golfing, or a movie, or maybe go on a midnight hayride...maybe go to your favorite outdoor place, the beach or a beautiful park and enjoy dessert toghether admiring the scenery (im soooo f'n gay) ...be creative...and if she gets wierd about the baby assure her the baby is "fine"...It may sound wierd, but only give her 2 times to call home about the baby...middle of the evening, and end of the night. Here's the key.....when the night starts and shes had a little bit of wine or whatever...look into her eyes and tell her you love her....tell her "I MISS YOU"..... tell her you miss the little things....the hugs, the kisses.....the looks you get when you used to pass each other in the kitchen (oh wait thats me...j/k) be honest, open and sincere...do it with feeling and she will know where you are coming from....dont tell her what she DOESNT do anymore...remind her of she does do, and what you love about her...and hopefully those things will come back up to the surface.....hopefully after a great night...you will then go back to the hotel room and have what I like to call "hot raunchy dirty monkey sex".So thats my suggestion...shit happens after a new little baby is born, and she is a pretty little thing by the way. <img border="0" src="http://www.ronfez.net/messageboard/images/smile.gif" /> Thats my $7.50 Sweetie, from a guys perpective that sounds like an awful lot to try to do and remember for something you previously thought was a given part of your relationship. And plus, its reminds me of Valentines day, alot of artificial make-believe romance which is better as a fantasy than it ever is in practice. Their relationship is at a different stage at this point, I dont think going back to acting like lovestruck newlyweds will work. You ARE be helping her out with the baby stuff as much as possible,
like everyday, right? Because if you're not, then its no wonder she has
no time or energy for you.  My 2 cents. Remind her that she's married to A MAN, who has needs. If she

Gaia

10-01-2006, 09:47 AM

Bulldogcakes wrote:  [quote]Gaia wrote: Awwwww...dont be lonely! I feel so badly when someone says that because I know what it's like...I am SURE this is just a "phase" so to speak...your little girl is still a new addition in your lives, and I am sure once things get settled in; all will go back to normal. I have a suggestion, maybe in the coming days or weeks you can plan a little something....have someone that both you and your wife are 100% comfortable with to watch the baby and your stepson for a WHOLE NIGHT. But make this a surprise, ie; do all the planning in secret, pack a bag for the baby, or if you would like; get a nice hotel room for that one night for yourself and also Pack a bag for your wife...simple...next day jeans sweatshirt socks undies toiletries...(I would help you but I'm not comin' to the cheese state kid) I say this because it would be more of a hassle to drop the baby off with a bag and pick her up in the morning etc. Also....tell your wife that you would like to take her out the MORNING of the date, this way she has more than enough time to plan (get a nice dress cleaned or purchase one...time to get ready...you know how we are...etc DO NOT give her details, just tell her to look her sexiest and to make sure that you have packed an appropriate bag for her, OR maybe if she has a sister you can trust she can do the packing for you. Set the night up to do things you BOTH enjoyed doing together before the baby came...I dont know what those things are because I dont know you...but make those fun and interesting....go to her favorite nice restaurant for dinner ( if you would like have her FAVORITE flowers delivered to the table prior to your arrival and give the restaurant specific instructions to put them out PRIOR to you getting there and being seated)...then do something else...like go to a quite little bar and entertain each other with nice conversation..or mini golfing, or a movie, or maybe go on a midnight hayride...maybe go to your favorite outdoor place, the beach or a beautiful park and enjoy dessert toghether admiring the scenery (im soooo f'n gay) ...be creative...and if she gets wierd about the baby assure her the baby is "fine"...It may sound wierd, but only give her 2 times to call home about the baby...middle of the evening, and end of the night. Here's the key.....when the night starts and shes had a little bit of wine or whatever...look into her eyes and tell her you love her....tell her "I MISS YOU"..... tell her you miss the little things....the hugs, the kisses.....the looks you get when you used to pass each other in the kitchen (oh wait thats me...j/k) be honest, open and sincere...do it with feeling and she will know where you are coming from....dont tell her what she DOESNT do anymore...remind her of she does do, and what you love about her...and hopefully those things will come back up to the surface.....hopefully after a great night...you will then go back to the hotel room and have what I like to call "hot raunchy dirty monkey sex".So thats my suggestion...shit happens after a new little baby is born, and she is a pretty little thing by the way. <img src="http://www.ronfez.net/messageboard/images/smile.gif" border="0" /> Thats my $7.50 Sweetie, from a guys perpective that sounds like an awful lot to try to do and remember for something you previously thought was a given part of your relationship. And plus, its reminds me of Valentines day, alot of artificial make-believe romance which is better as a fantasy than it ever is in practice. Their relationship is at a different stage at this point, I dont think going back to acting like lovestruck newlyweds will work. You ARE be helping her out with the baby stuff as much as possible, like everyday, right? Because if you're not, then its no wonder she has no time or energy for you.  My 2 cents. Remind h

dereckfishboy

10-01-2006, 11:55 AM

To be fair, I'm dating a woman with OCD who spent a majority of her adult life as a single mother. For anyone who has someone in their life with OCD, you realize that means at this point she's essentially hardwired into being the sole caretaker for her children. She's been doing it so long, her OCD wont allow her to break the routine without causing panic. So no matter how much I try to help out with the kids, there are several things she can't help but need to do herself or else, in her mind, she doesn't know they are being done right. It really sucks, because as of yet, no matter how much I help with the kids, she can't allow herself to fully relax and hand the reigns over to me ever. So while Bulldogcakes is right about it Gaia's suggestion sounding like a whole lot of work, I unfortunately shacked up with a girl that will just always be a whole lot of work. I can't force her to let me help her more in the grand scheme, hopefully that will come in time, but I can force her take one day off from being a parent and hopefully remind of how that little girl of ours came to be in the first place. So as much as I'd like to go along with you, bulldog, and assume that I have carte blanch to plow other women, I think I'm leaning towards Gaia's assesment.

mikeyboy

10-01-2006, 12:41 PM

dereckfishboy wrote: To be fair, I'm dating a woman with OCD who spent a majority of her adult life as a single mother. For anyone who has someone in their life with OCD, you realize that means at this point she's essentially hardwired into being the sole caretaker for her children. She's been doing it so long, her OCD wont allow her to break the routine without causing panic. So no matter how much I try to help out with the kids, there are several things she can't help but need to do herself or else, in her mind, she doesn't know they are being done right. It really sucks, because as of yet, no matter how much I help with the kids, she can't allow herself to fully relax and hand the reigns over to me ever. So while Bulldogcakes is right about it Gaia's suggestion sounding like a whole lot of work, I unfortunately shacked up with a girl that will just always be a whole lot of work. I can't force her to let me help her more in the grand scheme, hopefully that will come in time, but I can force her take one day off from being a parent and hopefully remind of how that little girl of ours came to be in the first place. So as much as I'd like to go along with you, bulldog, and assume that I have carte blanch to plow other women, I think I'm leaning towards Gaia's assesment. Well, also BDC is just plain wrong.  There are a whole lot of things going on with pregnant women that might come into play:- hormomes - For the period of the pregnancy and anyt breast-feeding period afterwards, the woman's body acts primarily as a support system for a baby.  The woman's body releases hormones to deal with this role.  These hormone levels are likely to be quite different than what she is used to and can have quite an effect on her libido and her life in general.  Eventually, those hormone levels will work their way back to normal, so just give it time.- exhaustion - taking care of a small baby is lots of work.  Even with two parents sharing the responsibility it's incredibly difficult.  Your sutuation with your chick's OCDs likely makes this even worse because she isn't able to divide up the responsibility and is taking most of the load upon herself.  It can take months until she feels like she has her head above water and feels normal again.  The upside is that she's done this before, so you know that once the baby is old enough, you have a pretty good idea that she'll return to how she was before she gave birth.  Just continue to give her as much help as you can and as much as she is willing to accept and wait it out.- attachment - Your chick has carried a child over nine months and then nurtured that child for the last four months.  She has an unbelievable maternal bond with that child.  Asmuch as you love and adore your daughter, you likely can't approximate the bond that she has with her mother.  The bond is so strong and your daughter needs so much that your chick is incredibly focused on her.  This will change, of course.  The bond will remain, but your daughter won't need your chick as much as she does now, and your chick will be able to focus more on the other's in her life.  Regardless of whether your chick is going overboard with this or not, you also know that she has been through this before with her older child, and things will eventually get back to normal.- stress on the body - birth ain't natural.  Seriously, when you learn about pregnancy and birth in any kind of detail, it really seems insane what goes on.  Don't believe me?  Besides the obvious stress of passing an infant through your vagina, seek out a diagram of where the woman's internal organs end up in the ninth month to make space for the baby.  It's crazy Star Trek shit.  Anyway, her body's been through a lot, and it may be months before she feels herself again.  Just give it time.- self-esteem - A lot of women after pregnancy, especially if

WhistlePig

10-01-2006, 01:20 PM

Your wife is a lucky woman, Mikeyboy!

Gaia

10-01-2006, 01:24 PM

""""Gaia's idea is a good one.  Setting aside some time to make her feel special might help a lot.  BDC came down hard on this idea, seeing it way too much like "artificial romance" like Valentine's Day.  I like BDC, but I saw that as one of the most cynical and naive things I've seen on the board lately.  I understand a backlash against Valentine's Day in that it's really become a holiday that has been shaped and formed by a variety of corporations to be a day of purchases that line their pockets through relationship obilgations that they create, but it certainly doesn't have to be that way.  Expressing love for you significant other and/or making them feel special is never a bad thing.  With Gaia's idea, there's no artificial obligation from a holiday in play.  You're just taking some responsibility off her shoulders for a short time, showing her that you love her, and demonstrating that you don't take her for granted -- all good things that might go towards helping you with your problem.  I say might, because it might not work.  All of the other factors in play could make it difficult for her to turn her focus back to you even now.  It's worth a try though, and as long as you don't fight with her if it doesn't turn out like you would hope, there isn't really a significant downside or a wasted effort.  If she doesn't come around now, she will eventually, so just have patience.""""Thanks Mikeyboy...I was not even close to putting my point across the way you were able to..... :)

suggums

10-01-2006, 01:28 PM

WhistlePig wrote: Your wife is a lucky woman, Mikeyboy!  hands off honey, HES MINE!

Bulldogcakes

10-01-2006, 02:29 PM

mikeyboy wrote:Well, also BDC is just plain wrong. There are a whole lot of things going on with pregnant women that might come into play:    Mikey, I just believe in putting your foot down once in a while in a relationship about things that are important to you. You feel differently, fine. That doesn't make me wrong, however. And the medical journal stuff I'll leave to the doctors to sort out, which none of us here are, counselor.  <blockquote /> After 4 months I think he's been patient and understanding. He says he tries to help her around the house but it doesn't work. He's tried the carrot, maybe the stick will get her attention. Women need a reason. . .       My 2 cents. Remind her that she's married to A MAN, who has
needs. If she doesn't get that, she doesn't care anymore. In which case
you can start cheating and have her defacto blessing. Above
all, no. Strong arming her isn't likely to work if she's just not ready
for things to be back to the way they were. Cheating in this case is
likely to only accelerate the end of your relationship.   Wow, what a tough crowd. Can anyone tell when you slip a joke in at the end of a post?And no, I'm not using those damn smileys, and no Gaia you cant have a puppy. 

    <blockquote />

This message was edited by Bulldogcakes on 10-1-06 @ 6:44 PM

dereckfishboy

10-01-2006, 03:00 PM

Bulldogcakes wrote: Wow, what a tough crowd. I like your avatar 

This message was edited by dereckfishboy on 10-1-06 @ 7:00 PM

angelinad128

10-01-2006, 03:16 PM

Was she very sexual to be begin with?  I know her OB/GYN told her it was ok to go back to having sex after 6 weeks. Mine told me that after those 6 weeks be prepared to be attacked! LOL  But seriously, let her know that you understand that she is tired taking care of the baby and her son from before but that you are also a part of her life and you are being ignored.  She should see that and try to make attempts at helping it get better.  I wish I could tell you "Oh that was me after having my daughter blah blah blah" but after my 6 week check up I went back on the pill and having sex regularly. But talking to her should really help.  At 4 months hopefully the baby is sleeping through most of the night at least.

dotsncoms

10-01-2006, 04:25 PM

it is hormones, the life long kind of duldrums are going to happen now. when its spreads into more than two years get advice from a professional. if the duldrums are there from the get go you should leave.

This message was edited by dotsncoms on 10-1-06 @ 8:28 PM

WhistlePig

10-01-2006, 04:48 PM

Get her the book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura
Schlessinger. Yes, I'm serious. She sounds like she needs it.

http://bookweb.kinokuniya.co.jp/bimgdata/FC0060520612.JPG

This message was edited by WhistlePig on 10-1-06 @ 8:49 PM

lleeder

10-01-2006, 05:14 PM

Just pull out your dick and start beating it and say "LOOK WHAT YOUR MAKING ME DO". If that doesn't get the point across break up.

FUNKMAN

10-01-2006, 05:20 PM

if you can't see this clearly Oh Boy!<img height="306" src="http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/dp5/masturb.jpg" width="589" border="0" />

dereckfishboy

10-01-2006, 09:11 PM

Holy shit, there really is a clear-cut line between the male and female points of view on this (with the exception of mikeyboy)

Gaia

10-02-2006, 05:23 AM

Bulldogcakes this is for you...<img src="http://www.ronfez.net/messageboard/tiny_mce/plugins/emotions/images/cool.gif" border="0" /> <img src="http://www.ronfez.net/messageboard/tiny_mce/plugins/emotions/images/bye.gif" border="0" /> <img src="http://www.ronfez.net/messageboard/tiny_mce/plugins/emotions/images/laugh.gif" border="0" /> <img src="http://www.ronfez.net/messageboard/tiny_mce/plugins/emotions/images/wink.gif" border="0" /> <img src="http://www.ronfez.net/messageboard/tiny_mce/plugins/emotions/images/smile.gif" border="0" />

This message was edited by Gaia on 10-2-06 @ 9:24 AM

nate1000

10-02-2006, 06:00 AM

mikeyboy wrote: [quote]dereckfishboy wrote: To be fair, I'm dating a woman with OCD who spent a majority of her adult life as a single mother. For anyone who has someone in their life with OCD, you realize that means at this point she's essentially hardwired into being the sole caretaker for her children. She's been doing it so long, her OCD wont allow her to break the routine without causing panic. So no matter how much I try to help out with the kids, there are several things she can't help but need to do herself or else, in her mind, she doesn't know they are being done right. It really sucks, because as of yet, no matter how much I help with the kids, she can't allow herself to fully relax and hand the reigns over to me ever. So while Bulldogcakes is right about it Gaia's suggestion sounding like a whole lot of work, I unfortunately shacked up with a girl that will just always be a whole lot of work. I can't force her to let me help her more in the grand scheme, hopefully that will come in time, but I can force her take one day off from being a parent and hopefully remind of how that little girl of ours came to be in the first place. So as much as I'd like to go along with you, bulldog, and assume that I have carte blanch to plow other women, I think I'm leaning towards Gaia's assesment. Well, also BDC is just plain wrong.  There are a whole lot of things going on with pregnant women that might come into play:- hormomes - For the period of the pregnancy and anyt breast-feeding period afterwards, the woman's body acts primarily as a support system for a baby.  The woman's body releases hormones to deal with this role.  These hormone levels are likely to be quite different than what she is used to and can have quite an effect on her libido and her life in general.  Eventually, those hormone levels will work their way back to normal, so just give it time.- exhaustion - taking care of a small baby is lots of work.  Even with two parents sharing the responsibility it's incredibly difficult.  Your sutuation with your chick's OCDs likely makes this even worse because she isn't able to divide up the responsibility and is taking most of the load upon herself.  It can take months until she feels like she has her head above water and feels normal again.  The upside is that she's done this before, so you know that once the baby is old enough, you have a pretty good idea that she'll return to how she was before she gave birth.  Just continue to give her as much help as you can and as much as she is willing to accept and wait it out.- attachment - Your chick has carried a child over nine months and then nurtured that child for the last four months.  She has an unbelievable maternal bond with that child.  Asmuch as you love and adore your daughter, you likely can't approximate the bond that she has with her mother.  The bond is so strong and your daughter needs so much that your chick is incredibly focused on her.  This will change, of course.  The bond will remain, but your daughter won't need your chick as much as she does now, and your chick will be able to focus more on the other's in her life.  Regardless of whether your chick is going overboard with this or not, you also know that she has been through this before with her older child, and things will eventually get back to normal.- stress on the body - birth ain't natural.  Seriously, when you learn about pregnancy and birth in any kind of detail, it really seems insane what goes on.  Don't believe me?  Besides the obvious stress of passing an infant through your vagina, seek out a diagram of where the woman's internal organs end up in the ninth month to make space for the baby.  It's crazy Star Trek shit.  Anyway, her body's been through a lot, and it may be months before she feels herself again.  Just give it time.- self

lindak

10-02-2006, 08:47 AM

wow I am soooo impressed with mikeyboy and nate......excellent guys.  and its just like they said.be patient....please.  dont cheat and dont give up yet.

dereckfishboy

10-02-2006, 01:18 PM

nate1000 wrote: Also, I'd forget about sex. If you come off as needy or expecting sex- all of your efforts above will seem self serving, and you'd be better off not even trying.    Oh believe me, I'm not that insensitive. It's not much fun if she does it out of obligation rather than desire anyways.

Bulldogcakes

10-03-2006, 01:57 PM

Gaia wrote: Bulldogcakes this is for you...<img border="0" src="http://www.ronfez.net/messageboard/tiny_mce/plugins/emotions/images/cool.gif" /> <img border="0" src="http://www.ronfez.net/messageboard/tiny_mce/plugins/emotions/images/bye.gif" /> <img border="0" src="http://www.ronfez.net/messageboard/tiny_mce/plugins/emotions/images/laugh.gif" /> <img border="0" src="http://www.ronfez.net/messageboard/tiny_mce/plugins/emotions/images/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" src="http://www.ronfez.net/messageboard/tiny_mce/plugins/emotions/images/smile.gif" />  If you're gonna get fresh with me, I'm gonna have to give you a spanking Missy!

Don Stugots

10-03-2006, 02:06 PM

this is why i dont want kids. 

Bossanova

10-03-2006, 02:11 PM

Have you thought about taking your baby off her hands for a day and let her relax.  Side note.  My girlfriend shows our dog so much affection and sometimes I feel 3rd wheelish.  The big thing is, I know she loves me and I damn sure love her, so I take a little less affection sometimes because she needs to do this for her dog. http://i105.photobucket.com/albums/m205/Minutebloe/esd4sigbz9.jpg

Gaia

10-04-2006, 01:58 AM

Bulldogcakes wrote:  Gaia wrote: Bulldogcakes this is for you...<img src="http://www.ronfez.net/messageboard/tiny_mce/plugins/emotions/images/cool.gif" border="0" /> <img src="http://www.ronfez.net/messageboard/tiny_mce/plugins/emotions/images/bye.gif" border="0" /> <img src="http://www.ronfez.net/messageboard/tiny_mce/plugins/emotions/images/laugh.gif" border="0" /> <img src="http://www.ronfez.net/messageboard/tiny_mce/plugins/emotions/images/wink.gif" border="0" /> <img src="http://www.ronfez.net/messageboard/tiny_mce/plugins/emotions/images/smile.gif" border="0" />  If you're gonna get fresh with me, I'm gonna have to give you a spanking Missy!   Oh NO!! PLEASE PLEASE anything but that!!!!!  ;)

Lumber

10-04-2006, 02:15 AM

dereckfishboy

10-04-2006, 10:16 AM

RonIsHankAaron wrote: Have you thought about taking your baby off her hands for a day and let her relax. Side note. My girlfriend shows our dog so much affection and sometimes I feel 3rd wheelish. The big thing is, I know she loves me and I damn sure love her, so I take a little less affection sometimes because she needs to do this for her dog.    I take the baby off her hands every free moment I get. If I'm around, I'm taking care of the kids. I even watch the kids on the weekend so she can go out with her girls. I bust my ass to help her out. It's part of what adds to the frustration, becuase sometimes I work seven days and sixty hours a week only to come home and clean the house and care for the kids. Granted, I'm not doing that just for her, but all the same, I'm busting my ass here to make her life easier. This is going to sound like selfish bullshit, but my life sucks right now and I'm the only one in this household that seems to give a shit. I love my girl, and I do whatever I can to aleviate her anxiety, but when I bring up my issues, I'm "pressuring" her. It fucking sucks. But she's dealing with having a kid and her little boy growing up and going to school. So I bite my lip and go on with my life. STUGOTS1 wrote: this is why i dont want kids.  Oh kids aren't the problem, Stu, it's women. And on that note, enjoy marraige :) lindak wrote: be patient....please. dont cheat and dont give up yet.  I'm trying, I really am, but I don't know how my faith I have in the relationship anymore. I'm not a kid anymore, but I'm young enough that I have difficulty gauging things in a long-term frame of mind. Throwing in the fact that at less than a year and a half this is my second longest relationship, I'm trying really hard to look at things on a longer timeline than I usually do, but honestly, I'm running out of patience. I just wish I knew how much she loved me so I knew whether I should jump ship or not. I love my girl to death, I really do. And I don't fall in love easy, either. But if having this kid has taught me one thing, it's that the only women in my life that are irreplaceable are my mother and my daughter.

nate1000

10-04-2006, 11:43 AM

dereckfishboy wrote:  But if having this kid has taught me one thing, it's that the only women in my life that are irreplaceable are my mother and my daughter. Sorry, dude, you missed one. As long as a your daughter is a part of your life, no matter what happens, the mother of your daughter will never be replaced. This woman will be a fixture in the rest of your life. No. Matter. What. 

This message was edited by nate1000 on 10-4-06 @ 3:48 PM

dereckfishboy

10-04-2006, 12:12 PM

nate1000 wrote: dereckfishboy wrote: But if having this kid has taught me one thing, it's that the only women in my life that are irreplaceable are my mother and my daughter. Sorry, dude, you missed one. As long as a your daughter is a part of your life, no matter what happens, the mother of your daughter will never be replaced. This woman will be a fixture in the rest of your life. No. Matter. What. 

 Thank you, Captain Literal. I think you missed the point there, bud. I was speaking more in terms of emotional relationships and how romantic involvment with a women is petty when compared with the love of family. 

This message was edited by dereckfishboy on 10-4-06 @ 4:16 PM

dereckfishboy

10-08-2006, 02:57 AM

Pay no mind...........    

This message was edited by dereckfishboy on 10-8-06 @ 2:57 PM

dereckfishboy

10-15-2006, 07:07 PM

I keep catching her in lies......

narc

10-15-2006, 07:15 PM

Well, if this weren't the That's Life: The Forum forum, I would tell you to take a page out of Ronnie B's advice to Paul O and to kill her. But since this is That's Life: The Forum, and serious replies are required only, then this is my serious reply: I don't know what to do.

dotsncoms

10-15-2006, 07:40 PM

If it's not your birthday or anniversary then the ritual is dead, go find a shrink before you break up, or get a whore if it's an option.

BrooklynKat

10-16-2006, 06:38 AM

I think its just hormonal and right now she's bonding hard core with your baby and probably doesn't even realizing she is neglecting you. You feel the change in her because as far as you can tell everything should be the same since you didn't just go through the emotional/hormonal rollercoaster that she did. My simple suggestion would be to talk to her and flat out tell her that you are feeling a little neglected.  I'm sure if she were made aware of her change in attitude toward you, she would try to adjust it. It's better to let it out and talk to her rather than stew about it for weeks.

Justice4all

10-16-2006, 07:24 AM

STUGOTS1 wrote: this is why i dont want kids. Ummm...Stu? Because of kids the womans breasts USUALLY swell for a long period of time, you may want to re-think that idea.

angelinad128

10-16-2006, 07:35 AM

dereckfishboy wrote: I keep catching her in lies...... Not to be a pain but could you be more specific?

Gaia

10-16-2006, 09:50 AM

Yes...Shed a little light on why you think the little lady is lying to you.

dereckfishboy

10-16-2006, 09:52 AM

about hanging out with single guys who openly want to fuck her. She makes up bullshit stories and hides emails and bla bla bla. she's afraid i won't react well even though the only reason I don't react well is cuz she figgin lies to meI was helping on her puter and some dude she met at the club the night before sends her an email with the subject line "Love at First sight", which kind of bothers me so i ask her if i can read it. so this guy is all talking about thinking about her all day and i can't wait untill we can go to dinner bla bla bla  so i ask her what his deal is, and she explains it so i'm cool. so then she gets another email from him, and as i see her reading it I ask her what it says cuz this dude is clearly trying to set something up with my chick. Before I can read it, she sends it to the trash bin. WHen I ask her if I can she it, she empties her trash bin "accidently in an attempt to empty her bulk folder", which is of course bullshit. she then procedes to deny that she ever got this email even though i saw it with my own two eyes, and calls me paranoid and bla bla bla. now i don't know what is in this email, but she obviously figured it would upset me enough to lie to me and start a fight and as of this morning she is still sticking to the lie even though admiting that she lies cause she doesn't want to deal with how I react, which I only react bad cuz she fucking lies. this all starts a couple moths ago. I was sitting at work and I get an email from her saying "Hey, I found my friend Robert from the Army on Myspace". Well it was outta characther for her and I never heard about any Robert before, and she was acting weird. So when I get home, I ask her to pull up her myspace. now bear in mind, up untill this point, my chick has never lied to me about anything that i know of at this point. I trusted her %100 percent up until now, and she's cleaerly a shitty liar. Sure as shit, she just sent this dude she didn't know a message on myspace, and he sent her his cell and they talked all night. Now this might bug me, but normally I'd be cool if she didn't set up the lie to cover herself before i even found out. knowing full well that up until this point i'd never given her any reason to think I'd be jealous or suspicious.but not only did she set up the lie that she knew this guy when she didn't, even after I called her on it, just like a child SHE CONTINUED TO LIE AND MAKEUP BULLSHIT ABOUT THIS GUY UNTIL I BACKED HER IN A CORNER and shot down the logic of all her lies. Same thing yesterday. I watched her delete the email and then "accidenly" empty her trashbin while acting like she meant to empty the bulk folder, and even as of this morning she's sticking to the lie even though i watched it with my own two eyes I can handle guys wanting to fuck her IF SHE DIDN'T KEEP LYING ABOUT IT  Even if she has no intention of doing anything with these guys, which she claims she doesn't, i can't believe a word that comes out of her mouth anymore. how am i supposed to be in a relationship with someone like that?  And just so everyone knows, it's very out of character for me to post that much personal information. But I'm just so upset I can't fucking think straight.

dereckfishboy

10-16-2006, 10:30 AM

The most obnoxious thing is that I settled down so I wouldn't have to deal with stupid shit like this.

angelinad128

10-16-2006, 10:49 AM

I feel bad for you, she is hiding something. Not sure but if I remember correctly, you said she was married once before or only has a kid by someone else? If she was married once before, do you know the real story of why that ended?The whole baby thing as why your not having sex is kinda fake now.

dereckfishboy

10-16-2006, 10:54 AM

angelinad128 wrote: I feel bad for you, she is hiding something. Not sure but if I remember correctly, you said she was married once before or only has a kid by someone else? If she was married once before, do you know the real story of why that ended?The whole baby thing as why your not having sex is kinda fake now.   From what I'm told, baby's daddy #1 started drinking all the time and just became a dick. If I had to guess, I think she's lying because she's testing the waters. I think she tells them she has a boyfriend, but really more than anything else she says it to both absolve herself of guilt and to give herself the ability to say "Well he knows I have a boyfriend" when she gets busted. I think she's not sure if she wants to be with me yet so instead of discussing it with me she's seeing if she gets that rush of endorphines from other guys. I can't think of any other reason why she would start lying for no reason. Am I just being paranoid?

narc

10-16-2006, 11:01 AM

dereckfishboy wrote: but not only did she set up the lie that she knew this guy when she didn't, even after I called her on it, just like a child SHE CONTINUED TO LIE AND MAKEUP BULLSHIT ABOUT THIS GUY UNTIL I BACKED HER IN A CORNER and shot down the logic of all her lies. Same thing yesterday. I watched her delete the email and then "accidenly" empty her trashbin while acting like she meant to empty the bulk folder, and even as of this morning she's sticking to the lie even though i watched it with my own two eyes    That's what women do. They never admit when they're nabbed like men do. And if they do, it somehow becomes our fault. Sorry, maybe I'm projecting a little bit.

Bill From Yorktown

10-16-2006, 11:01 AM

sheesh that sucks dude.  Pretty much a mirror of my life - flash forward 4 years and I'm divorced. 

angelinad128

10-16-2006, 11:02 AM

No your not being paranoid. If I was you I'd be pissed. If it was just the two of you it would be different but you guys have a child & she is the one acting like a child.

dereckfishboy

10-16-2006, 11:03 AM

narc wrote: dereckfishboy wrote: but not only did she set up the lie that she knew this guy when she didn't, even after I called her on it, just like a child SHE CONTINUED TO LIE AND MAKEUP BULLSHIT ABOUT THIS GUY UNTIL I BACKED HER IN A CORNER and shot down the logic of all her lies. Same thing yesterday. I watched her delete the email and then "accidenly" empty her trashbin while acting like she meant to empty the bulk folder, and even as of this morning she's sticking to the lie even though i watched it with my own two eyes That's what women do. They never admit when they're nabbed like men do. And if they do, it somehow becomes our fault. Sorry, maybe I'm projecting a little bit.    No, I think you're right on the money. Both times I caught her, it turned into what an asshole I was and how paranoid I was being and the problem is you do this, and just deflection after deflection. Never admits shit until the point she thinks I'll leave her.

dereckfishboy

10-16-2006, 11:05 AM

angelinad128 wrote: No your not being paranoid. If I was you I'd be pissed. If it was just the two of you it would be different but you guys have a child & she is the one acting like a child.   Well, thank you for the female perspective, because aside from sticking to her lies regardless of how bad they're exposed, her only other defense seems to be trying to convince me that I'm the bad guy here. To be honest, if she weren't the mother of my only child, I'd already be out the door.

dereckfishboy

10-16-2006, 11:06 AM

Ignore this post. In my anger, I'm posting shit that's not fair given that she's not here to defend herself. 

This message was edited by dereckfishboy on 10-16-06 @ 3:07 PM

angelinad128

10-16-2006, 11:12 AM

I hate to say this but you will get tired of this shortly. My ex husband became a dick after our daughter was about 2 yrs old.  She is now 9 & I've been single 7 yrs.

Gaia

10-16-2006, 11:13 AM

Dereck. I am so sorry to hear what's going on now. I know exactly what you mean about the shit thats out of charactor, and the the whole idea about her continually lieing about shit when you KNOW the truth. This is what you do: Keep your mouth SHUT and your eyes open. You can ask her questions and shit, but dont ask for details, dont give her an attitude when she answers and you know it's a lie. Dont ask to look at her Emails. Act like everything is great, even though you feel like putting your hands around her neck and choking every bit of breath from her lungs..(I didnt mean to type that). keep her answers in your memory bank for later on. I have been lied to so many times and hurt that this shit is like second nature to me. Be aloof about this whole topic and others that you are fighting about, but dont make it too obvious. The more information you gather; and the less guarded she is, the more information you will get. Act as if all is forgotten and you dont give a flying fuck. She may slip up and say or do something that might let you know EXACTLY what's going on, because she will have her guard down.    I would even suggest getting some software on her computer to see what she's doing. Some people might say its wrong and that you cant be trusted for doing it, but it's clear that she cannot be trusted, especially if she's not telling the truth about what you mentioned, and "accidentally" deleting emails like theres no tomorrow. You could even do the 9th grader thing and have a Myspace page of someone who doesnt exist and send an invite and see where it goes from there. I know this all sounds very underhanded and weird, but for anyone out there who has ever been lied to or cheated on, you know where I am coming from. How the fuck else are you supposed to find out?? I know I dont have a couple of grand for a P.I., so why not do it yourself? You have to protect your interests. Dont let her shit on you and lie to your face. I have a very very big problem with liars, and even little white lie's leave a scar on a relationship. Nip it in the bud NOW. From what you have said there is alot of shit going on, you need to sort through it and find the truth to why these things are happening. You have my full support, PLEASE PLEASE PM ME, or send me an email if you want to talk. You dont have to go through this alone.

Bill From Yorktown

10-16-2006, 11:22 AM

feel free to pm me too if you need to vent. 

angelinad128

10-16-2006, 11:27 AM

Gaia wrote: Dereck. I am so sorry to hear what's going on now. I know exactly what you mean about the shit thats out of charactor, and the the whole idea about her continually lieing about shit when you KNOW the truth. This is what you do: Keep your mouth SHUT and your eyes open. You can ask her questions and shit, but dont ask for details, dont give her an attitude when she answers and you know it's a lie. Dont ask to look at her Emails. Act like everything is great, even though you feel like putting your hands around her neck and choking every bit of breath from her lungs..(I didnt mean to type that). keep her answers in your memory bank for later on. I have been lied to so many times and hurt that this shit is like second nature to me. Be aloof about this whole topic and others that you are fighting about, but dont make it too obvious. The more information you gather; and the less guarded she is, the more information you will get. Act as if all is forgotten and you dont give a flying fuck. She may slip up and say or do something that might let you know EXACTLY what's going on, because she will have her guard down.    I would even suggest getting some software on her computer to see what she's doing. Some people might say its wrong and that you cant be trusted for doing it, but it's clear that she cannot be trusted, especially if she's not telling the truth about what you mentioned, and "accidentally" deleting emails like theres no tomorrow. You could even do the 9th grader thing and have a Myspace page of someone who doesnt exist and send an invite and see where it goes from there. I know this all sounds very underhanded and weird, but for anyone out there who has ever been lied to or cheated on, you know where I am coming from. How the fuck else are you supposed to find out?? I know I dont have a couple of grand for a P.I., so why not do it yourself? You have to protect your interests. Dont let her shit on you and lie to your face. I have a very very big problem with liars, and even little white lie's leave a scar on a relationship. Nip it in the bud NOW. From what you have said there is alot of shit going on, you need to sort through it and find the truth to why these things are happening. You have my full support, PLEASE PLEASE PM ME, or send me an email if you want to talk. You dont have to go through this alone. I agree, it sucks, but it's true.

dereckfishboy

11-10-2006, 02:37 PM

Busted her time number three. This time searching myspace for single guys looking to date in the area. Threw a slew of bullshit lies at me, all of which I quickly discected. Once again, for a third time, she tells me it won't happen again and that she'll regret it the rest of her life if she loses me. An hour later she leaves for Chicago to spend four days drinking and
having fun with a large group of people of whom I know no one. Yup,
that's about the size of it.

Gvac

11-10-2006, 02:44 PM

I'm so sorry to hear the latest developments, bro.  There seems to be more and more of this kind of thing these days and I'm at a loss to explain why.  It seems no one wants to grow up and be responsible anymore.It's sad, but I guess the only thing to do is contact a lawyer immediately and don't be there when she gets back.  It sounds like she's absolutely flipped her lid.

WhistlePig

11-10-2006, 04:20 PM

dereckfishboy wrote: Busted her time
number three. This time searching myspace for single guys looking to date
in the area. Threw a slew of bullshit lies at me, all of which I quickly
discected. Once again, for a third time, she tells me it won't happen again
and that she'll regret it the rest of her life if she loses me. An hour later she
leaves for Chicago to spend four days drinking and
having fun with a large group of people of whom I know no one. Yup,
that's about the size of it.

How the hell does a woman leave her 5 month old baby for 4 days? I don't
want to leave mine for 5 minutes!

Bulldogcakes

11-10-2006, 06:49 PM

So much for the "She's lost interest in sex" theory.  Sorry to hear that bro. Looks like you got alot of decisions to make. Since you obviously dont trust her anymore (for good reason) I'd say sit down and figure out what you want and need to do for yourself. There's no point to including her or how she'll feel about any of it since you dont believe a word she says. Just decide for yourself what you need to do once you've calmed down, so you do it for the right reasons and not out of anger. You might want to just think of her as a roommate from now on, someone to split the bills with. You may decide your kid is more important than how you feel about this, and decide to stay. You may decide its best for everyone to bail. Good luck, bro.    

This message was edited by Bulldogcakes on 11-10-06 @ 10:50 PM