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MadMatt

10-31-2006, 01:04 PM

Hey Buddays, I need some help.  I am a new(-ish) Dad with a 19 month old little girl.  She is beautiful, healthy, and amazingly intelligent.  I love her more than life itself, as does her mother and both of our families.However, my daughter is starting to turn into a brat and I don’t know what to do.  As I said, she is only 19 months old, but she is extremely advanced – without belaboring the point, she’s a good 8 months or more “ahead of the curve” and is doing stuff I didn’t expect.  She is starting to act-out, extensively test her limits, and is being more and more “mischievous” every day.How do I get her to do the right thing?  She is smart enough to tell basic right from wrong and to be manipulative, but she is still too young to reason with.  How do I punish her without stifling her overall growth?  We have been using time-outs, and they work to an extent, but what else is there?  She is too young to spank, although I am not really inclined to spank anyway.  I know being a parent has a learning curve, but my daughter is developing so rapidly I barely have time to catch my breath.  I didn’t expect I would have to actively discipline her so soon and am at a loss.  Any advice you fine people can provide would be welcome.  Thanks a lot!

mikeyboy

10-31-2006, 01:11 PM

Every kid is different, but what your daughter is going through is most likely a phase.  My daughter went through somethung similar at around 18 months.  Nothing you can do will automatically make her behave at this point, but she will likely move past it.  My advice is to be consistent with your punishments (timeouts), try your best not to get overly emotional when she acts up -- try to react calmly, and positively reinforce good behavior.

This message was edited by mikeyboy on 10-31-06 @ 5:12 PM

Sheeplovr

10-31-2006, 01:14 PM

She is beautiful, healthy, and amazingly intelligentcan she do long divison?

MadMatt

10-31-2006, 01:20 PM

Sheeplovr wrote:  She is beautiful, healthy, and amazingly intelligent  can she do long divison? Not yet, but her grammar and spelling are already better than yours Sheepy.  <img src="http://www.ronfez.net/messageboard/tiny_mce/plugins/emotions/images/bye.gif" border="0" />

FUNKMAN

10-31-2006, 01:26 PM

i have two daughters now 14 and 16.  a few things i would suggest is 'be patient', 'make sure she knows you do not agree or are happy with her behavior through facial expressions and voice tone. no need to yell or hit. continue with timeouts and not giving in to some little extras she may enjoy "but just for a short time" you don't want to break her confidence and spirit...they will grow up faster than you could ever realize. it's a constant learning experience raising kids, everyone makes mistakes or feel they could have handled certain situations better but don't beat yourself up. you love your daughter and know you always try your best each and every time...

MadMatt

10-31-2006, 01:31 PM

mikeyboy wrote: Every kid is different, but what your daughter is going through is most likely a phase.  My daughter went through somethung similar at around 18 months.  Nothing you can do will automatically make her behave at this point, but she will likely move past it.  My advice is to be consistent with your punishments (timeouts), try your best not to get overly emotional when she acts up -- try to react calmly, and positively reinforce good behavior. Thanks Mikeyboy - at least I'm not the only one [I figured I wasn't, but reinforcement is always nice]Your comment about it being a phase is comforting.  I have kept that idea in the back of my mind, but am also paranoid that she is going to turn into a little uncontrollable monster.  I want her to be well behaved, but I don't want to turn into Stalin either.  I have found reserves of patience and relative calm that I never expected, and try not to counter her hightened emotion with hightened emotion of my own.  We definitely reinforce good behavior (maybe too much - I don't know), but I'm having a lot of trouble figuring out how to counteract unwanted behavior.  Raising my voice doesn't seem to work and timeouts aren't as effective as I'd hoped they would be.

MadMatt

10-31-2006, 01:47 PM

FUNKMAN wrote: i have two daughters now 14 and 16.  a few things i would suggest is 'be patient', 'make sure she knows you do not agree or are happy with her behavior through facial expressions and voice tone. no need to yell or hit. continue with timeouts and not giving in to some little extras she may enjoy "but just for a short time" you don't want to break her confidence and spirit...they will grow up faster than you could ever realize. it's a constant learning experience raising kids, everyone makes mistakes or feel they could have handled certain situations better but don't beat yourself up. you love your daughter and know you always try your best each and every time...Using the right tone and facial expressions are probably the toughest part for me, usually because I am often impressed with her abilities.  I find myself thinking "that was absolutely brilliant, kid" but needing to reprimand her for what she did.  For example (one of many), one day last month she started playing with my cell phone.  I took it from her, told her "no, you can't play with this" and put it on top of the entertainment center (6 feet up, well out of her reach).  My fiance needed some help in the kitchen, so I poked my head around the corner for just a moment.  While I did that, my daughter pulled her footstool up next to the entertainment center, grabbed her toy broom, and began to "fish" for my cell phone. I was out of sight less than a minute - it only took her a few seconds to come up with a plan go to it.To my knowledge, ingenuity like that is not frequently found in an 18 month old kid.  I knew I had to scold her, but I was also tremendously proud of her and impressed.

nevnut

10-31-2006, 02:08 PM

MadMatt wrote: FUNKMAN wrote: i have two daughters now 14 and 16.  a few things i would suggest is 'be patient', 'make sure she knows you do not agree or are happy with her behavior through facial expressions and voice tone. no need to yell or hit. continue with timeouts and not giving in to some little extras she may enjoy "but just for a short time" you don't want to break her confidence and spirit...they will grow up faster than you could ever realize. it's a constant learning experience raising kids, everyone makes mistakes or feel they could have handled certain situations better but don't beat yourself up. you love your daughter and know you always try your best each and every time...Using the right tone and facial expressions are probably the toughest part for me, usually because I am often impressed with her abilities.  I find myself thinking "that was absolutely brilliant, kid" but needing to reprimand her for what she did.  For example (one of many), one day last month she started playing with my cell phone.  I took it from her, told her "no, you can't play with this" and put it on top of the entertainment center (6 feet up, well out of her reach).  My fiance needed some help in the kitchen, so I poked my head around the corner for just a moment.  While I did that, my daughter pulled her footstool up next to the entertainment center, grabbed her toy broom, and began to "fish" for my cell phone. I was out of sight less than a minute - it only took her a few seconds to come up with a plan go to it.To my knowledge, ingenuity like that is not frequently found in an 18 month old kid.  I knew I had to scold her, but I was also tremendously proud of her and impressed.My kid was the same way.  He is now ten and the top kid in his class with straight A's.  All I can say is be patient but firm.  You need to let them know you're happy with thier ingenuity, but what they did was wrong.I know it's very hard and I really don't know how my kid is turnin' out so well other than a lot of patience which I'm not to good at but somethin' that seems to be working.

mendyweiss

10-31-2006, 02:57 PM

Seems like normal develpment going on here. At least from my experience, just hang in there and this too shall pass, as they say. but as kids start getting past the terrible two's. There is one word that if can remember will smooth most bumpy roads.ATTEND.

FUNKMAN

10-31-2006, 03:46 PM

MadMatt wrote: FUNKMAN wrote: i have two daughters now 14 and 16.  a few things i would suggest is 'be patient', 'make sure she knows you do not agree or are happy with her behavior through facial expressions and voice tone. no need to yell or hit. continue with timeouts and not giving in to some little extras she may enjoy "but just for a short time" you don't want to break her confidence and spirit...they will grow up faster than you could ever realize. it's a constant learning experience raising kids, everyone makes mistakes or feel they could have handled certain situations better but don't beat yourself up. you love your daughter and know you always try your best each and every time...Using the right tone and facial expressions are probably the toughest part for me, usually because I am often impressed with her abilities.  I find myself thinking "that was absolutely brilliant, kid" but needing to reprimand her for what she did.  i know exactly how you feel. when my eldest daughter was approx 2 she had accidentally knocked a small picture frame off the end table. in one motion she picked it up, pulled back the stand attachment and stood it perfectly back on the table, as if she had done it a thousand times, i was amazed...that's why i would reccommend to any parent to video their kids as they grow. i have a horrible memory and can not really remember much when they were in their early years but when you look at the videos they are priceless...

Gaia

10-31-2006, 05:13 PM

Maybe they replaced your baby in the maternity ward with a super bionic baby,that the governament engineered, and when she's old enough she will kill you and your wife.Im kidding, wish I could help you. I dont know much about kids, except for when you give them a good beat down they fear you, and fear is ggg ggaa great!!!!  MadMAtt wrote:For example (one of many), one day last month she started playing with my cell phone.  I took it from her, told her "no, you can't play with this" and put it on top of the entertainment center (6 feet up, well out of her reach).  My fiance needed some help in the kitchen, so I poked my head around the corner for just a moment.  While I did that, my daughter pulled her footstool up next to the entertainment center, grabbed her toy broom, and began to "fish" for my cell phone. I was out of sight less than a minute - it only took her a few seconds to come up with a plan go to it.       Then she called guam for a total of 25 minutes and ran up my cell phone bill. Again, just kidding, but its so amazing to see how quickly they come up with solutions, when my nephew was about your daughters age he was doing the same things, and I couldnt get over it.  Well I wish you luck, you sound like a good Daddy and I'm sure everything will be ok, besides, you have to be nice to her, she willl be choosing your nursing home. :)

cozzie

10-31-2006, 05:38 PM

I half heartily agree with almost all these sugestions, i have alot of kids myself. each child is different and YOU need to figure out what will get your child to straighten up. Could be a time out, a swat on the but-with a firm no, or just let him/her be a child. All kids are different, find what works.

Arienette

10-31-2006, 06:13 PM

try your best not to get overly emotional when she acts up -- try to react calmly, and positively reinforce good behavior this is pretty much exactly what the pediatrician suggested for my 17 month old niece, who is starting to display the same kinds of behavior.  the doctor said that the "terrible twos" can start as early as about 14 months for a lot of kids.  her suggestion was to basically not react to the bad behavior.  if the baby sees you getting upset, he or she will understand that it's working and it will only make them want to act out more.

sr71blackbird

10-31-2006, 06:14 PM

<img height="329" src="http://www.nospank.net/tncoach.jpg" width="200" border="0" />  Spare the rod : spoil the child  

This message was edited by sr71blackbird on 10-31-06 @ 10:18 PM

keithy_19

10-31-2006, 09:57 PM

When she breaks into your liquor cabinet I'll be impressed.<img src="http://www.ronfez.net/messageboard/tiny_mce/plugins/emotions/images/smoke.gif" border="0" />

Skellington

11-01-2006, 07:15 AM

I don't have kids, but i applaud you for seeking advice.  have you read any child psychology books?  Since you mention that you understand that she is too young to reason (which most parents i have observed have no clue) a child psyche book might also give you tips as to intpreting your kids actions and dealing with them.  It's certainly no bible, but certainly something to keep in mind.

nate1000

11-01-2006, 07:36 AM

Sheeplovr wrote:  She is beautiful, healthy, and amazingly intelligent  can she do long divison? Aw, how cute, Sheepy's looking for a date.   Dude, you ain't seen nothin yet. Kids are constantly poking at the boundaries. Best advice out there is be consistant. Young kids need structure and guidance. She's just trying to figure out what is acceptable and the only way to do this is to wade into unacceptable water from time to time. Remember, this is normal, healthy behavior.  

This message was edited by nate1000 on 11-1-06 @ 4:30 PM

WhistlePig

11-01-2006, 08:18 AM

Check out books by Burton L. White, one of them being "The First Three
Years of Life." It is a fascinating look at early childhood development with
excellent advice.

nate1000

11-01-2006, 09:20 AM

wbskellington2 wrote: I don't have kids, but i applaud you for seeking advice.  have you read any child psychology books?  Since you mention that you understand that she is too young to reason (which most parents i have observed have no clue) a child psyche book might also give you tips as to intpreting your kids actions and dealing with them.  It's certainly no bible, but certainly something to keep in mind. Skell, If you're fishing for a donor, my boys swim just fine.  Just sayin.

Davios

11-01-2006, 09:33 AM

lindak

11-01-2006, 12:28 PM

I've raised a daughter and have 4 nephews and 1 niece that I am with all the time.  It is not easy and every child is very different and responds to different things.  Most children can be quite amazing in those early years.  The stuff I have witnessed always shocks and awes me. A firm NO and removal from the activity - over and over and over - may start to sink in but being the adventurous and inquisitive beings they are usually nothing helps and you just have to get through all the phases.  They do seem to have the upper hand most of the time but just be firm, consistent and loving and it should all turn out ok.

jax

11-01-2006, 12:56 PM

There is lots of great advice out there and in here.  I would add that it is true each child is different and if one approach is not working after a certain amount of time try an alternate method until you hit on what works for you.  Lots of times people get a hold of a great idea, that seems to work for everyone else, and when it doesn't work for them the sense of failure and frustration can become overwhelming.  Each age/stage brings it's own challenges.  Good luck.

boeman

11-01-2006, 06:16 PM

My 4 year old step son can be that way... and he's been a bit of a brat (screaming and yelling until he gets his way) since he was about that age... He won't act that way around me, because he knows his punishment and knows I won't give in. My wife has learned to punish him in the same ways I do... our issue is the day care will not take our suggestions on the issue. For my kid when it happens he is usually tired or hungry. We suggested to his day care to give him a snack (that we provide) when it happens and put him in quiet time for a while with a book or a quiet activity of some type... they abruptly and rudely rejected this suggestion. They told us if we had a doctors note saying it was required (diabetic) they would. He is not diabetic... nor does he show signs of ever becoming diabetic (My wife is a lab tech, she saw the results after the tests were run). They won't put him in the "quiet area" until he's completely out of control. Unfortunately, they want us to fix the problem when he leaves the day care. There isn't much I can do when he get's out of day care to fix this problem that will work. I'm having my wife find a new day care for him now... With the contract job I am currently holding, I don't have much hope of helping her find the new day care.  Back to your issue... my recipe to help break Devin of some of his nastier traits was to start with a time out, then start denying him of the toys and activities he enjoyed (leaving him with learning and physical activities).

johnniewalker

11-01-2006, 06:25 PM

I was spanked fairly regularly as a kid. I thought the key was fear. No matter what I did, if my brother did something wrong I would get punished as well. The punishments were inconsistant in reasoning, but I think you have to get the kid to absolutely fear you. It kind of forced me and my brother to keep each other in line otherwise we both were in for it. Try to do this and play off of a hate for a sibling rather than hate for you and distract the kid. 

This message was edited by johnniewalker on 11-1-06 @ 10:26 PM

nate1000

11-02-2006, 04:35 AM

johnniewalker wrote: I was spanked fairly regularly as a kid. I thought the key was fear. No matter what I did, if my brother did something wrong I would get punished as well. The punishments were inconsistant in reasoning, but I think you have to get the kid to absolutely fear you. It kind of forced me and my brother to keep each other in line otherwise we both were in for it. Try to do this and play off of a hate for a sibling rather than hate for you and distract the kid. This message was edited by johnniewalker on 11-1-06 @ 10:26 PM Perfect, why didn't I think of this? Dammit! Now my kid's gonna be rooooond.

Skellington

11-02-2006, 05:48 AM

nate1000 wrote: wbskellington2 wrote: I don't have kids, but i applaud you for seeking advice.  have you read any child psychology books?  Since you mention that you understand that she is too young to reason (which most parents i have observed have no clue) a child psyche book might also give you tips as to intpreting your kids actions and dealing with them.  It's certainly no bible, but certainly something to keep in mind. Skell, If you're fishing for a donor, my boys swim just fine.  Just sayin.if that was the issue, i would hope that i'd at least get a good lay out it instead of a turkey baster.  My uterus looks like swiss cheese with a side of ovarian cyst.  No babies for me.  Just a dog that consistantly dropkicks my BF in the balls...probably to ensure i don't spawn anything that would interefer with his puppy spoiling....

nate1000

11-03-2006, 05:10 AM

wbskellington2 wrote: My uterus looks like swiss cheese with a side of ovarian cyst.   Sounds squishy. edit: I am proud to have this as my 100th post. 

This message was edited by nate1000 on 11-3-06 @ 9:10 AM

MadMatt

11-03-2006, 05:17 AM

johnniewalker wrote: I was spanked fairly regularly as a kid. I thought the key was fear. No matter what I did, if my brother did something wrong I would get punished as well. The punishments were inconsistant in reasoning, but I think you have to get the kid to absolutely fear you. It kind of forced me and my brother to keep each other in line otherwise we both were in for it. Try to do this and play off of a hate for a sibling rather than hate for you and distract the kid. This message was edited by johnniewalker on 11-1-06 @ 10:26 PM LOL - I have similar stories.  MY brother and I were often punished at the same time and it seemed to work.  However, 2 problems:<ol><li>She is currently an only child.</li><li>I'm trying to avoid the "fear" route until much later.  Maybe her teen years or shortly before. </li></ol>Thank you though.