View Full Version : Where does it come from?
<p>So I was wondering where "not trusting" someone comes from. </p><p>Is it a lack of self-esteem? Is it previous lies one has told you, as small as they may have been? Is it previous lies that a former lover fed you? I often wonder where this feeling of not trusting someone comes from. It wasnt always there, and now it is. There have been many things that have happened to me to make me feel as if I cannot trust the person Im with; both before our relationship with each other and after we started dating. </p><p>Like today, the man went outside to bag all the leaves and I got in the shower, I must admit it takes me a while to get ready, so after I was done I went outside to see if he needed anything etc. He was gone and no where to be found, and hour later it was the same. I dont know how long he ws gone in total. I just went outside to smoke a cigarette a few minutes ago, and he was back; so I nonchalantly asked where he dissapeared to, his reply was : "oh yeah, the neighbor; she wanted me to look at some stuff, how much it would be to install this and that, how much I thought it would cost to put in a rock driveway...you know a whole bunch of shit. "</p><p>I guess I didnt feel good about his answer, and I dont know this chick from a hole in the wall, I can tell you that I have a SERIOUS mistrust of other women, I wont get into why, but I can say I have had something happen to me that was brought on by a female who was supposed to be one of my best friends, and to this day I can honestly say It still shocks and pains me that she did what she did. </p><p>So am I just a wierdo that cannot trust <em>anyone, along with</em> low self esteem, and I'm just overreacting? Or am I right to think that eventually, everyone in your life will hurt you and thats when you find someone new?</p>
fohat
11-11-2006, 07:49 AM
<p>I'm pretty mistrustful of most ppl I don't know, for example it took me a while to start posting here often. My experience has been that there are too many jerks in this world, so if I shelter myself and only have a couple good friends, I'll be Safe[tm]. My problem now is, i'm getting a little older and still single, so now I'm starting to feel a little lonely in my little shroud. For me, I had a hard time growin up, my parents nearly got divorced and my dad was starting to turn into an alcoholic. I think they must have gone to counseling (I know my mom did) and I definitely went to a therapist for a while during that time, it seemed to help. At one point they tried to put me on some anti-depressants but I didn't like them and wasn't forced to take them after that or anything.</p><p>now i'm starting to ramble but I guess my point is, it's a good first step to start talking about how you are feeling, I know it always helps me whenever I'm freaking out to have someone to bounce things off that isn't going to turn their backs.</p><p>My granma always told me "Be good, but if you can't be good be happy". I allways try to follow that advice. </p>
Lumber
11-11-2006, 08:00 AM
For me that's a tough question. I usually don't trust to easily, which I guess is from a couple of past relationships of being shit on. I'd also like to add that I do have a self-esteem issue which I don't like to share w/ people but talking about it helps me tremendously. As for your question to your BF? He's probably just looking to make a couple of extra bucks. But if things do sour for you guys, I'll be more than happy to come over & be your maintinance guy!!!
angelinad128
11-11-2006, 08:23 AM
I think its a combo of shit and experiences from the past and just "that feeling" you get. I say always trust your feelings!
Everyone in your life eventually <em>will </em>hurt you. It's just a matter of whether or not it's something you want to deal with or if you'd rather move on. I'm pretty tolerant of the foibles of others. How can I not be when I have so many of my own?<br />
<strong>Gaia</strong> wrote:<br /><p>So I was wondering where "not trusting" someone comes from. </p><p>I've always had a distrust of people. It's a defense mechanism brought on by experience(s) and the nature of my work. I usually take an "always assume the worst case scenario". That way if things get screwed up, I'm better prepared for it and it doesn't hurt as much. And if I end up being wrong, it makes it a lot better.</p>
<p>I'm an optimistic person by nature, and have an "expect the best but don't be shocked by the worst" type of attitude. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt and will trust them wholeheartedly until they give me reason to do otherwise. If they do wind up screwing me over I'm incredibly disappointed but it doesn't blow my mind. </p><p>At this stage of my life, I think nothing can shock me anymore. </p>
FUNKMAN
11-11-2006, 09:48 AM
<p>placing your trust in anyone or anything is always a gamble. if it's human or created by a human then it is imperfect. use your experiences to better your judgment on where you place your trust.</p><p>and thank you very much, yoiu just reminded me of one of my favorite tunes</p><p>Some love is just a lie of the heart<br />The cold remains of what began with a passionate start<br />And they may not want it to end<br />But it will, it's just a question of when<br />I've lived long enough to have learned<br />The closer you get to the fire the more you get burned<br />But that won't happen to us<br />'Cause it's always been a matter of trust<br /><br />/ D DA Bm BmA / D DA Bm - F#m - / - - A - / A7 - / :<br /><br />Now, I know you're an emotional girl<br />It took a lot for you to not lose your faith in this world<br />And I can't offer you proof<br />But you're going to face a moment of truth<br />It's hard when you're always afraid<br />You just recover when another belief is betrayed<br />So break my heart if you must<br />It's a matter of trust<br /><br /> You can't go the distance<br /> With too much resistance<br /> I know you have doubts<br /> But for God's sake don't shut me out<br /><br /> <br /><br />This time you've got nothing to lose<br />You can take it, you can leave it, whatever you choose<br />I won't hold back anything<br />And I'll walk away a fool or a king<br />Some love is just a lie of the mind<br />It's make believe until its only a matter of time<br />And some might have learned to adjust<br />But then it never was a matter of trust<br /><br /> I'm sure you're aware, love<br /> We've both had our share of<br /> Believing too long<br /> When the whole situation was wrong<br /><br />Some love is just a lie of the soul<br />A constant battle for the ultimate state of control<br />After you've heard lie upon lie<br />There can hardly be a question of why<br />Some love is just a lie of the heart<br />The cold remains of what began with a passionate start<br />But that can't happen to us<br />Because it's always been a matter of trust<br /><br />It's a matter of trust<br />It's always been a matter of trust<br /></p>
ChrisTheCop
11-11-2006, 10:43 AM
<p>Trust no one.</p><p><img width="200" height="247" border="0" src="http://www.txf.net/a-z/m/mulder-fox.jpg" /> </p>
lintpit
11-11-2006, 10:49 AM
<em><font face="courier new,courier,monospace" size="2">I think that unless your man has given you past cause for distrust you almost have to take him at his word.But it would not be at all out of line to introduce yourself to the neighbor.good luck.</font></em>
ChrisTheCop
11-11-2006, 10:54 AM
<p>yeah, lintpit, thats probably a good idea.</p><p><img width="250" height="294" border="0" src="http://oak.rpg.pl/%7Ezaq/pic/catfight.jpg" /><img width="510" height="349" border="0" src="http://www.kaitaia.com/funny/g2/d/12974-1/flying-cat-fight.jpg" /> </p>
<span class=post_edited>This message was edited by ChrisTheCop on 11-11-06 @ 2:56 PM</span>
<p>cutest pictures ever. It wouldnt go down like that. If she wants him that bad, and he's willing to step out, she can fucking have him.</p><p> I must say in my defense though it wouldnt be the typical "cat fight" I would knock the bitch out, enough said. </p><p> </p><p>EDIT: Chris, I truly DONT trust anyone; so your right on with that. </p>
<span class=post_edited>This message was edited by Gaia on 11-11-06 @ 4:59 PM</span>
Bulldogcakes
11-11-2006, 04:50 PM
It comes from waking up one day and realizing that you're bleeding from the ass. <br />
dereckfishboy
11-11-2006, 04:59 PM
<p> </p><strong>Gaia</strong> wrote:<br /><p>cutest pictures ever. It wouldnt go down like that. If she wants him that bad, and he's willing to step out, she can fucking have him.</p><p> I must say in my defense though it wouldnt be the typical "cat fight" I would knock the bitch out, enough said. </p><p> </p><p>EDIT: Chris, I truly DONT trust anyone; so your right on with that. </p>
<span class="post_edited">This message was edited by Gaia on 11-11-06 @ 4:59 PM</span><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Lack of trust will tear your relationship apart, Gaia. Such feelings lead to the dark side.....<br /></p><p><br />All I'm saying is that it probably isn't best to nuture these negative thoughts. It'll only cause them to grow.<br /></p>
MadBiker
11-12-2006, 02:29 AM
<p>I used to have trust issues also. Between close friends who screwed me and old boyfriends who cheated, I had very little faith left in people.</p><p>I have found that there are two things that help grow your ability to trust people. One is to make peace with your past. This one takes some time, but eventually you get to a point where you can forgive the people who hurt you, in a sense. The other is to FORGIVE YOURSELF. You have to let go, and I was not able to let go of some of my anger until I turned the ole gaze inward and focused on putting the anger and mistrust to rest. Other people may go on being assholes and screw others over day in and day out, but I know that I want to be loved and trusted, so I give love and trust in kind. And it started with trusting Numero Uno to live a just and peaceful life.</p><p>I took about a year off from relationships with new guys/new friends and went back to basics for a bit - reconnecting with family and my best friend of 20-some years (known her since kindergarten). It was a great time to remember the old un-jaded me. I eventually fell in love with a man whom I trust completely, partly because he is so honest with me about things he does and places he goes, and partly because I have no reason to fear being alone, and because I am honest with him as well.</p><p>Since trust is such an intangible thing it is difficult to pin down all aspects that affect the development and sustenance of it. However, as is the case with many intangibles of the human sphere, it is best to start small and start with yourself, then grow the emotion and the action to spread to those most important to you. </p><p>One cannot truly love others, until one loves oneself. One will never truly trust, until one trusts oneself. One cannot truly hate, unless one hates oneself.</p>
sr71blackbird
11-12-2006, 05:53 AM
Its been my experience that when I express mistrust of someone I am in a relationship with for a situation like you describe Gaia, and I get upset over it, that they will begin to not keep me in the loop as to what they are really doing. This then causes them to become more secretive and more distant from me. My mistrust because I fear that they will leave me then becomes a self fulfilling prophesy.
JerryTaker
11-13-2006, 09:16 PM
<p>I don't trust anyone, and I'm usually right not to trust them. Most of it is me, becuae I know that I'm too worthless for anyone to be friendly to me for anything other than selfish reasons, and so far, I've been right.<br /><br />My parents were a big source of mistrust growing up, I mean it was always stupid shit, but it just gave me this feeling that I wasn't worth whatever it was that they had promised me when they didn't come through for me. Then again, I was probably right, I'm sure I was a whiny kid who was impossible to be the parent of... </p><p>Anyway, it really depends on who you are... If you're a worthwile person, people will be nice to you, and you can trust them. If you're, well, me, then you shouldn't trust anyone because you're too unlikeable... fortunately you're not me, and neither is anyone else....</p><p>Shit, I had a point... I guess previous experience has a HUGE impact on how you relate to current situations, it's really only logical to assume that something that starts the same way something else did, will end the same way. </p>
burrben
11-13-2006, 09:37 PM
<p>you can trust me because...</p><p>"i always tell the truth. even when i lie"</p><p><img height="500" src="http://www.poster.net/scarface/scarface-photo-xl-scarface-6235696.jpg" width="400" border="0" /></p><p> </p>
RoseBlood
11-14-2006, 01:53 PM
I could disclose my personal thoughts concerning this topic, unfortunately I don't trust you people..<img src="http://www.ronfez.net/messageboard/tiny_mce/plugins/emotions/images/unsure.gif" border="0" /><img src="http://www.ronfez.net/messageboard/tiny_mce/plugins/emotions/images/tongue.gif" border="0" />
Drunky McBetidont
11-14-2006, 02:30 PM
for me, the thing i try and remember is... nobody can make you happy, sad, angry, scared, etc. You are in control of how you react to things, people, and situations that you get into. a very smart person i used to hang out with once told me he believed that every relationship is based on either fear or love. when i am afraid i am usually paranoid and distrustful too. I try and keep my expectations of people low so that my dissapointment will be low as well when they eventually screw me over (which doesn't make em bad people.) everybody screws up, i have personally pushed the limit on more than one occasion. make the best you can out of what you have and try not to step on anybody else in the process. also, as our favorite budday reccomends, "never be further than 3 feet from a firearm."
<p>There's a lot of reasons it could be:</p><p>1) Your past experiences</p><p>2) His past experiences you know of</p><p>3) Self-esteem</p><p>But I think what gets over-looked a lot of times is that a lot of mistrust is rooted in mistrust of one's self.</p><p>Like when it comes to an issue like cheating, I think a lot of people mistrust each other because they question how they would handle themselves in a scenario in which they were able to cheat. And when you're in a situation like that where you question yourself, it's very easy to question everyone else as well. </p><p>I'm not saying that's the case for everyone, and certainly not saying it's the case here...just some observations I've noticed over time. </p>
<span class=post_edited>This message was edited by K.C. on 11-17-06 @ 3:50 PM</span>
outlawfrank
11-17-2006, 12:30 PM
<p>no one can truly hurt anyone if they won't allow it. I had this crazy bitch do some wicked stuff to me in the last year, really trying to get under my skin. It was because she wasn't happy with what was between us. We never really fought but when things got bad she would say things like "I need you to make me happy." I think that is insane speak. Our relationship was fantastic early on because we were both happy, everything in our lives were going our way. Then she got fired, found drugs, and really began to invest her time into alcohol. Days at a time, what did she say to me, its you're fault i'm not happy. It's not my fault, but if it would make you happy to leave, then do it. Because of this situation my life began traveling down a different road where I became unhappy. I never got hurt because she decided to do something else, aparently she thought it would make her happy, decided to be involved with something at a level I was against. I like to have fun, but knee deep into powder isn't a good idea. We didn't see eye to eye anymore, does a mistrust develop, possibly. I always look at the situaton as a whole and decide, will this bring some sort happiness into my life. If not I choose to change direction, try something new. We seperated, she has gotten better and seems happy now. I'm sitting in front of a computer, alone but always happy.</p><p> </p><p>Oh yeah it was great though she was a professional dominatrix. Wild times, I should have seen it coming. </p>
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