...And I Can't Cry [Archive] - RonFez.net Messageboard

ShelleBink

11-26-2006, 01:00 PM

I have no idea what's wrong with me as of late.  I've hit a new low and depression that's not just affecting me emotionally, but also making my body pay for it physically.THanksgiving was all sorts of lousy with various family members being assholes ((surprisingly, I wasn't one of them, shocker I know)).  I think because I was looking forward to it so much that something awful was bound to happen.Since then, I'm not out of bed all too much, and haven't been eating.  Last night/early this morning was the worst when I was so hungry but just couldn't find the energy or reason I should bother getting some food.  Apparently something snapped in my head and I just went on some sort of manic rage taking it out on a few people via cell.  Something in my head irrationally went off, and I just became convinced of things that aren't even remotely true ((or reasonable)).  I basically told someone that I care deeply for that there is no way that they could be interested in me, since I'm just a piece of shit.  I'm just convinced that there's no use in even trying to see where things go since there is always something thinner, prettier, better than me out there that guys I've deeply loved in the past have left me for. I woke up later this morning still feeling awful, and ended up puking all over the place and have other wise seen my body reacting badly.  I tried to nap and just woke up and still feel like shit ((although, I'm not suicidal, in spite of it all)). The most remarkable thing of all is that no matter how hard I've tried in the last few days, I can't cry and just let my emotions out.  I almost feel nothing at this point.  I just want the pain to go away, and I don't even know why its there in the first place.

mdr55

11-26-2006, 01:08 PM

Food poisoning? Hang over? Medication? Hope you feel better.  and for those that left you for a thinner, prettier, younger model, they're loss.

phixion

11-26-2006, 01:10 PM

hey shelle your not alone. my own mother didnt want to sepnd thanksgiving with me. your tough, i havent even met you and i can tell ur tough. fuck all have fun your young. life isnt a race its a journey enjoy the ride and say fuck the destination

angelinad128

11-26-2006, 01:11 PM

FUNKMAN

11-26-2006, 01:15 PM

i'm no professional, just want to say that i hope you start feeling better.  maybe it will help getting it off your chest a little bit with starting this thread...

FUNKMAN

11-26-2006, 01:21 PM

angelinad128 wrote: ShelleBink wrote: I have no idea what's wrong with me as of late.  I've hit a new low and depression that's not just affecting me emotionally, but also making my body pay for it physically.THanksgiving was all sorts of lousy with various family members being assholes ((surprisingly, I wasn't one of them, shocker I know)).  I think because I was looking forward to it so much that something awful was bound to happen.Since then, I'm not out of bed all too much, and haven't been eating.  Last night/early this morning was the worst when I was so hungry but just couldn't find the energy or reason I should bother getting some food.  Apparently something snapped in my head and I just went on some sort of manic rage taking it out on a few people via cell.  Something in my head irrationally went off, and I just became convinced of things that aren't even remotely true ((or reasonable)).  I basically told someone that I care deeply for that there is no way that they could be interested in me, since I'm just a piece of shit.  I'm just convinced that there's no use in even trying to see where things go since there is always something thinner, prettier, better than me out there that guys I've deeply loved in the past have left me for. I woke up later this morning still feeling awful, and ended up puking all over the place and have other wise seen my body reacting badly.  I tried to nap and just woke up and still feel like shit ((although, I'm not suicidal, in spite of it all)). The most remarkable thing of all is that no matter how hard I've tried in the last few days, I can't cry and just let my emotions out.  I almost feel nothing at this point.  I just want the pain to go away, and I don't even know why its there in the first place. I know exactly how you feel.  I have been feeling the same myself lately. They say it gets better...I guess it does. I havent seen it happen yet. hope you start feeling better as well Angelina!!

Jujubees2

11-26-2006, 01:34 PM

Shelle,Take a deep breath and try to think of all the things you have to be thankful for at this time of the year.  I'm sure that it will be difficult but try to think about all the good in your life and the good things that are to come.  I felt much like you for five years after I was dumped by a woman I cared deeply for.  I didn't think that anyone would want to go out with me as there were millions of men much smarter/better looking/funnier/etc. than me.  And that was hard to get over.  But I did and found a woman who cares deeply about me and who I care deeply about and things turned around.  That's not to say that I still don't have some days where I wonder why this attractive, Ivy-League educated woman chose me, but I've learned after 13 years of marriage to stop thinking about it and just enjoy the ride.

reillyluck

11-26-2006, 01:46 PM

I am really sorry that you are feeling like this.  Your emotions can make you feel physically ill. i know the feeling.  your mind is a powerful thing and can do a lot of damage to your body.  This may sound corny but meditation or even Yoga does help a lot.  Writing helps me too.  This thread is a perfect way to reflect your feelings and letting it out.  there is always going to be prettier, thinner etc., the point is you are who you are and there is no one else like you. you are strong beautiful, smart, witty and above all you have a great sense of humor.  its rare that a person can have all these qualites and you my friend are lucky enough to have them all!  sometimes you need someone else to point these qualities out to you, because you see yourself like most people see themselves and only find the flaws.  on a serious note, i wrote this piece a long time ago when i was going through a similar phase, i have it on my myspace page as a reminder that I am who i am.  so i pass it on to you.  -Words Of Wisdom-Crying is not an option, It's a necessity to get through the day. Poetry is a gateway. For things I don't normally say. Emotions are customed To have and to hold. Experience is knowledge I've always been told. It's in your best interest to take a step each day, For all the bumps in life, to slowly diminish away. Take each moment as a blessing for being who you are. There's no one to replace you Not by long, not by far.

K.C.

11-26-2006, 02:25 PM

ShelleBink wrote: I have no idea what's wrong with me as of late.  I've hit a new low and depression that's not just affecting me emotionally, but also making my body pay for it physically.THanksgiving was all sorts of lousy with various family members being assholes ((surprisingly, I wasn't one of them, shocker I know)).  I think because I was looking forward to it so much that something awful was bound to happen.Since then, I'm not out of bed all too much, and haven't been eating.  Last night/early this morning was the worst when I was so hungry but just couldn't find the energy or reason I should bother getting some food.  Apparently something snapped in my head and I just went on some sort of manic rage taking it out on a few people via cell.  Something in my head irrationally went off, and I just became convinced of things that aren't even remotely true ((or reasonable)).  I basically told someone that I care deeply for that there is no way that they could be interested in me, since I'm just a piece of shit.  I'm just convinced that there's no use in even trying to see where things go since there is always something thinner, prettier, better than me out there that guys I've deeply loved in the past have left me for. I woke up later this morning still feeling awful, and ended up puking all over the place and have other wise seen my body reacting badly.  I tried to nap and just woke up and still feel like shit ((although, I'm not suicidal, in spite of it all)). The most remarkable thing of all is that no matter how hard I've tried in the last few days, I can't cry and just let my emotions out.  I almost feel nothing at this point.  I just want the pain to go away, and I don't even know why its there in the first place. I think most people feel this way at some point. There's no quick fix to it.  As corny as it may sound, a lot of people, or at least people I've known in my experiences (including myself at times), who have had bad perceptions of themselves are that way because it stems from the people around them. Whether it's family, or past boyfriends/girlfriends, or just friends, or whatever. You need to find the people who really do support you and lean on them, and cut the people who make you feel like shit out, or at least minimize the interaction with them. The other big thing that kills self-esteem is a person constantly measuring themself to their competition, be it a chick measuring themselves to other chicks, or a guy to other guys. That's a battle that NO ONE can win. Yet everyone obsesses over it because we all have pride and egos to a degree.  The only way to get past it is to rationalize it out in your head and accept it. Just because there may be a chick that, at least in your mind, is "prettier, thinner, etc. " doesn't mean she deserves happiness anymore than you. And that's what it is. It's all about getting to a place where you believe you deserve happiness. It's a difficult thing to do for some people. And it doesn't mean everything will fall into place when you do, but you'll at least start looking at things through a new perspective.  And as far as the inability to show emotion...that's just hitting the 'critical' point, in that you've taken about as much as you can and you're just numb to everything. It'll come flooding back at some point once you've had a chance to digest whatever happened to cause it. 

This message was edited by K.C. on 11-26-06 @ 6:26 PM

Gvac

11-26-2006, 02:36 PM

I know the words of others don't really mean much when you're feeling down, but I just want to tell you that you've barely begun to live life Shelle. You'll probably have your heart broken a few more times and just when you're convinced you can never love again you'll meet someone so perfect it'll blow your mind. All of your expectations for life and yourself will change, too. Believe me when I tell you that in ten years you're going to look back upon yourself at this age and say "I was just a kid. I can't believe I thought I was so grown up." "Compete with no one, and no one can compete with you." 

This message was edited by Gvac on 11-26-06 @ 9:38 PM

ShelleBink

11-26-2006, 02:38 PM

oh its flooding out, just not tears.  I keep puking and its not gettingmuch better.  and no, i dont know why im still on the computer ((could be the assignments due tomorrow))

ShelleBink

11-26-2006, 02:42 PM

Gvac wrote: I know the words of others don't really mean much when you're feeling down, but I just want to tell you that you've barely begun to live life Shelle. You'll probably have your heart broken a few more times and just when you're convinced you can never love again you'll meet someone so perfect it'll blow your mind. All of your expectations for life and yourself will change, too. Believe me when I tell you that in ten years you're going to look back upon yourself at this age and say "I was just a kid. I can't believe I thought I was so grown up." "Compete with no one, and no one can compete with you."  i think parto f the problem is the fact that i met someone practically perfect.  smart, funny, kind, always says the right things.  all i keep thinking and saying is how soon before i fuck it up.  i dont know why i can't just be happy.

Death Metal Moe

11-26-2006, 02:43 PM

I went through 2 years of real lows.  I don't know what snapped me out of it, but something did and looking back I can see how bad I was.I don't know how to help you but I just wanted to let you know that there is always a way out and I hope you find it.  Don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it.  I wish I could help more but I am not a professional and don't know you personally.

Death Metal Moe

11-26-2006, 02:44 PM

ShelleBink wrote: i think parto f the problem is the fact that i met someone practically perfect.  smart, funny, kind, always says the right things.  all i keep thinking and saying is how soon before i fuck it up.  i dont know why i can't just be happy. Dont let people like that fool you.  There is ALWAYS a problem, it's just some are better than others at hiding them.  A lot of times, the people who seem perfect are just using WAY too much energy to hide what's wrong in their lives from others.People all have problems.  Some of us were delt a better hand, some or us weren't.  I won't tell you life is fair but there is no such thing as a perfect life.

Coach

11-26-2006, 02:47 PM

Honey, remember, MEN ARE DUMB! They are nothing to get so worked up about.I should know iam a guy, and I am brighter than most,,but still dumb!

Death Metal Moe

11-26-2006, 02:48 PM

angelinad128 wrote: ShelleBink wrote: I have no idea what's wrong with me as of late.  I've hit a new low and depression that's not just affecting me emotionally, but also making my body pay for it physically.THanksgiving was all sorts of lousy with various family members being assholes ((surprisingly, I wasn't one of them, shocker I know)).  I think because I was looking forward to it so much that something awful was bound to happen.Since then, I'm not out of bed all too much, and haven't been eating.  Last night/early this morning was the worst when I was so hungry but just couldn't find the energy or reason I should bother getting some food.  Apparently something snapped in my head and I just went on some sort of manic rage taking it out on a few people via cell.  Something in my head irrationally went off, and I just became convinced of things that aren't even remotely true ((or reasonable)).  I basically told someone that I care deeply for that there is no way that they could be interested in me, since I'm just a piece of shit.  I'm just convinced that there's no use in even trying to see where things go since there is always something thinner, prettier, better than me out there that guys I've deeply loved in the past have left me for. I woke up later this morning still feeling awful, and ended up puking all over the place and have other wise seen my body reacting badly.  I tried to nap and just woke up and still feel like shit ((although, I'm not suicidal, in spite of it all)). The most remarkable thing of all is that no matter how hard I've tried in the last few days, I can't cry and just let my emotions out.  I almost feel nothing at this point.  I just want the pain to go away, and I don't even know why its there in the first place. I know exactly how you feel.  I have been feeling the same myself lately. They say it gets better...I guess it does. I havent seen it happen yet.That kinda shit drives me crazy to hear.  Women are all different and men love 'em all.  Different sizes, shapes and colors.  There's a lot of guys who aren't shallow, but there's a mess who are.I won't put myself out there as "a good guy" because I have my own personal preferences, just know that every guy isn't like that.

lleeder

11-26-2006, 02:49 PM

I agree with alot of whats already been said. One thing that keeps me going is the fact that everyone is going through alot of bad shit all around me. If you feel alone in what your going through you'll never pull out of it . Just remember we all have are ups and downs. This a down time for you but you'll be up again.

ShelleBink

11-26-2006, 02:50 PM

Death Metal Moe wrote: ShelleBink wrote: i think parto f the problem is the fact that i met someone practically perfect. smart, funny, kind, always says the right things. all i keep thinking and saying is how soon before i fuck it up. i dont know why i can't just be happy. Dont let people like that fool you. There is ALWAYS a problem, it's just some are better than others at hiding them. A lot of times, the people who seem perfect are just using WAY too much energy to hide what's wrong in their lives from others.People all have problems. Some of us were delt a better hand, some or us weren't. I won't tell you life is fair but there is no such thing as a perfect life. Nah he's not perfect in terms of societal standard, but by my own.  He's the first to say he's flawed, but I think I just became the problem.  I have a lot of repairing to do with him, because, things i said to him were truly unfair and just plain fucked up.

K.C.

11-26-2006, 02:52 PM

ShelleBink wrote:i think parto f the problem is the fact that i met someone practically perfect.  smart, funny, kind, always says the right things.  all i keep thinking and saying is how soon before i fuck it up.  i dont know why i can't just be happy.  I don't want to give the impression that I actually think I know what I'm talking about, or that any of my advice is good...because after all, who the hell am I to give advice. But maybe the problem is that you're overthinking it to the point of making yourself physically ill. It sounds like you want it so badly that you can't bare to think of it going wrong and so you're dwelling on everything that could go wrong and that's what's making you literally sick.

Death Metal Moe

11-26-2006, 02:54 PM

ShelleBink wrote:  Nah he's not perfect in terms of societal standard, but by my own.  He's the first to say he's flawed, but I think I just became the problem.  I have a lot of repairing to do with him, because, things i said to him were truly unfair and just plain fucked up. I never understood saying shit you didn't mean, personally.  I see a lot of people do that.  They say they care for someone but when they're fighting, they'll say some of the stupidest things just to get to the other person.If this is what you feel you did, you can always try to change.

ShelleBink

11-26-2006, 02:55 PM

K.C. wrote: ShelleBink wrote:i think parto f the problem is the fact that i met someone practically perfect. smart, funny, kind, always says the right things. all i keep thinking and saying is how soon before i fuck it up. i dont know why i can't just be happy. I don't want to give the impression that I actually think I know what I'm talking about, or that any of my advice is good...because after all, who the hell am I to give advice. But maybe the problem is that you're overthinking it to the point of making yourself physically ill. It sounds like you want it so badly that you can't bare to think of it going wrong and so you're dwelling on everything that could go wrong and that's what's making you literally sick.  i'd say that's a fairly accurate assessment.  i think the only difference in wording i'd say is that i'm simply convinced things are going to go badly, so i try to make things shitty before it gets to that point

K.C.

11-26-2006, 03:07 PM

ShelleBink wrote:  i'd say that's a fairly accurate assessment.  i think the only difference in wording i'd say is that i'm simply convinced things are going to go badly, so i try to make things shitty before it gets to that pointBut you have to know that doing that is what will make sure it won't work out. I get that it's a defense mechanism to try and sabotage it so if the relationship ends badly, you don't have as much of yourself invested into it so it doesn't hurt as much. But the bottom line is that if anything is ever going to work, you just have to put yourself all in knowing that you may very well take an L (yeah, I stole the 'L' gimmick from Patrice last night) on it and get rejected. And if that happens, that'll hurt...probably a lot...but not nearly as bad or as long as if you blow the thing up and wonder what may have been. Life is full of takings Ls in terms of relationships. But there's two things about it that make it worth while:1) If you're not willing to take a loss, you'll never be in position to score a W. 2) Even if you take an L, it will hurt for a while, but you'll at least get over it because there is a sense of closure in it. Whereas, if you sabotage it knowingly, you'll always carry this sort of gnawing, lasting pain about it because you wonder what would have happened if you did it differently.  

This message was edited by K.C. on 11-26-06 @ 7:09 PM

Skellington

11-26-2006, 03:09 PM

angelinad128 wrote: ShelleBink wrote: I have no idea what's wrong with me as of late. I've hit a new low and depression that's not just affecting me emotionally, but also making my body pay for it physically.THanksgiving was all sorts of lousy with various family members being assholes ((surprisingly, I wasn't one of them, shocker I know)). I think because I was looking forward to it so much that something awful was bound to happen.Since then, I'm not out of bed all too much, and haven't been eating. Last night/early this morning was the worst when I was so hungry but just couldn't find the energy or reason I should bother getting some food. Apparently something snapped in my head and I just went on some sort of manic rage taking it out on a few people via cell. Something in my head irrationally went off, and I just became convinced of things that aren't even remotely true ((or reasonable)). I basically told someone that I care deeply for that there is no way that they could be interested in me, since I'm just a piece of shit. I'm just convinced that there's no use in even trying to see where things go since there is always something thinner, prettier, better than me out there that guys I've deeply loved in the past have left me for. I woke up later this morning still feeling awful, and ended up puking all over the place and have other wise seen my body reacting badly. I tried to nap and just woke up and still feel like shit ((although, I'm not suicidal, in spite of it all)). The most remarkable thing of all is that no matter how hard I've tried in the last few days, I can't cry and just let my emotions out. I almost feel nothing at this point. I just want the pain to go away, and I don't even know why its there in the first place. I know exactly how you feel. I have been feeling the same myself lately. They say it gets better...I guess it does. I havent seen it happen yet.  been there, multiple times.   it does get better.  don't worry about crying, it'll happen when it needs to.  for now just pamper yourself.  get your booty out of bed and go get a pedicure or something.  it really helps.  in my case, hot tea and many many bad movies helped.  d00ds are d00ds, it doesn't matter if you are super model perfect or a cow, they'll cheat if it's in them.  it's not you, it's testosterone based moronacy.  *hot female on female cyber hugs*

angelinad128

11-26-2006, 03:13 PM

wbskellington2 wrote: angelinad128 wrote: ShelleBink wrote: I have no idea what's wrong with me as of late. I've hit a new low and depression that's not just affecting me emotionally, but also making my body pay for it physically.THanksgiving was all sorts of lousy with various family members being assholes ((surprisingly, I wasn't one of them, shocker I know)). I think because I was looking forward to it so much that something awful was bound to happen.Since then, I'm not out of bed all too much, and haven't been eating. Last night/early this morning was the worst when I was so hungry but just couldn't find the energy or reason I should bother getting some food. Apparently something snapped in my head and I just went on some sort of manic rage taking it out on a few people via cell. Something in my head irrationally went off, and I just became convinced of things that aren't even remotely true ((or reasonable)). I basically told someone that I care deeply for that there is no way that they could be interested in me, since I'm just a piece of shit. I'm just convinced that there's no use in even trying to see where things go since there is always something thinner, prettier, better than me out there that guys I've deeply loved in the past have left me for. I woke up later this morning still feeling awful, and ended up puking all over the place and have other wise seen my body reacting badly. I tried to nap and just woke up and still feel like shit ((although, I'm not suicidal, in spite of it all)).The most remarkable thing of all is that no matter how hard I've tried in the last few days, I can't cry and just let my emotions out. I almost feel nothing at this point. I just want the pain to go away, and I don't even know why its there in the first place. I know exactly how you feel. I have been feeling the same myself lately. They say it gets better...I guess it does. I havent seen it happen yet.  been there, multiple times.   it does get better.  don't worry about crying, it'll happen when it needs to.  for now just pamper yourself.  get your booty out of bed and go get a pedicure or something.  it really helps.  in my case, hot tea and many many bad movies helped.  d00ds are d00ds, it doesn't matter if you are super model perfect or a cow, they'll cheat if it's in them.  it's not you, it's testosterone based moronacy.  *hot female on female cyber hugs* You are so RIGHT!!

Death Metal Moe

11-26-2006, 03:18 PM

<img src="http://www.infinitymarketingteam.com/images/clients/images/lifetime_detail_logo.gif" border="0" width="300" height="212" />TEE HEE!

jsmigley

11-26-2006, 03:52 PM

K.C Wrote As corny as it may sound, a lot of people, or at least people I've known in my experiences (including myself at times), who have had bad perceptions of themselves are that way because it stems from the people around them. Whether it's family, or past boyfriends/girlfriends, or just friends, or whatever. You need to find the people who really do support you and lean on them, and cut the people who make you feel like shit out, or at least minimize the interaction with them. The other big thing that kills self-esteem is a person constantly measuring themself to their competition, be it a chick measuring themselves to other chicks, or a guy to other guys. That's a battle that NO ONE can win. Yet everyone obsesses over it because we all have pride and egos to a degree.  The only way to get past it is to rationalize it out in your head and accept it. Just because there may be a chick that, at least in your mind, is "prettier, thinner, etc. " doesn't mean she deserves happiness anymore than you. And that's what it is. It's all about getting to a place where you believe you deserve happiness. It's a difficult thing to do for some people. And it doesn't mean everything will fall into place when you do, but you'll at least start looking at things through a new perspective.  And as far as the inability to show emotion...that's just hitting the 'critical' point, in that you've taken about as much as you can and you're just numb to everything. It'll come flooding back at some point once you've had a chance to digest whatever happened to cause it.   I sometimes find that I am comparing my insides to someone else's outside (how they project themselves) and think if I could only be as happy. When, in fact, I really have no way of knowing how they feel about thenselves. When I realize I'm doing it I just say to myself that I'm exactly where I need to be in my life and just accept that I'm having a bad day and realize it will pass. It will pass it always does.

Don Stugots

11-26-2006, 03:57 PM

ShelleBink wrote: Nah he's not perfect in terms of societal standard, but by my own. He's the first to say he's flawed, but I think I just became the problem. I have a lot of repairing to do with him, because, things i said to him were truly unfair and just plain fucked up.   physically i never had a type. i like just about everytype, shape of a women. as long as they are comfortable with who they are. confidence goes a long way.  plus boobs, boobs are always good. 

This message was edited by STUGOTS1 on 11-26-06 @ 7:58 PM

angelinad128

11-26-2006, 04:05 PM

I dont have problems with myself, its others that get me pissed!

Don Stugots

11-26-2006, 04:06 PM

angelinad128 wrote: I dont have problems with myself, its others that get me pissed!  well, not every guy is like me.  sorry about that.

boeman

11-26-2006, 04:48 PM

I've been there a few times... the last couple in the last 2 months. The only thing I can find that happened to me is that the strees just became so overwhelming to my brain that it couldn't compensate.  The only thing I've found to help was my doctor prescribed Xanax... I didn't forget the problems, but I no longer gave a fuck. that alone allowed me to relax enough to sleep off the problems. right now, I'm no longer taking it daily, just when I notice the stress level rising.  Good luck with your problems, I hope I've been able to help a bit.

cozzie

11-26-2006, 05:01 PM

read your topic and 1st post,skimmed the rest. Quite worrying about being the "perfet girl" , 98% of them are just straight up bitches. MAKE someone love you for who you are and not who they think you should be. And quit felling sorry for yourself, that's the one prob with you kids you all need to toughen up, so toughen up!

MellySmelly

11-26-2006, 05:46 PM

Shelle, I have travelled all over the world and you are one of the few people that I have met that I was instantly fond of.  You are as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside.  You really are someone special.  I can see how well loved you are here by all of your friends.  I hope that you feel better soon, and if you ever need someone to talk to, you know how to find me.Take Care