My fiance is capable of murder. [Archive]

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Tenbatsuzen

12-10-2006, 07:20 PM

She looked at me, and says, "I want to beat him.  I want to beat him within an inch of his life."  With a look of glee... or is it bloodlust?  She looks at me with fire in her eyes and says, "I want you to hold him down while I do this, Matthew.  You love me, don't you?  You'll do that.  I want to pummel him and throttle him and hear him scream, and then blow cigar smoke in his face." At this point, I'm getting uncomfortable.  Making me uncomfortable while talking about physical violence is nearly impossible, especially coming from someone who is so incapable of violence, she's nearly a buddhist. But this is different.  A different side of the woman I've shared four years of my life with, and someone who I apparently plan to marry in less than six months.  She's has suddenly turned into an unstoppable killing machine, and I am now her unwilling accomplice. She then hears screams.  Bloodcurdling screams.  Unnatural, high pitched screams.  She giggles.  She chuckles.  She breaks into an ear-to-ear smile I only see when I present her with a stuffed animal or a home cooked meal.  This is different.  She's been pushed to a place that I've never seen her in. Apparently, Dave McDonald is capable of inspiring such rage. You see, she doesn't get to listen to Ron and Fez that much.  But the last time she did, she listened to Dave extol the virtue of Rutgers.  And you have to understand something about my fiance, there's three things she takes ultra-seriously.  One is her family.  Two is me.  Three is the State University of New Jersey. She went nuts. Every time she hears Dave's voice, she starts plotting these bizarre torture scenarios for East Side Dave.  Every time, they are more and more complex.  And each time, I have to help her in some way. "You can drive the getaway car, Matthew!""You can dig the ditch to hide the body, right, Matthew?" "You'll help me keep his head in the fryer, right, Matthew?" At this point, I'm getting scared.

Andomray

12-10-2006, 07:26 PM

Sounds like a woman after my own heart.ÿ Only, it would be better if she was a dude.<div> </div><div>Tell her you'll drive the car, but not dig the ditch.ÿ Marriage is about compromise.</div>

Marc with a c

12-10-2006, 07:27 PM

i doubt it, you're still alive.

FezPaul

12-10-2006, 07:28 PM

Is there a chance she can intern for Ron & Fez?

Judge Smails

12-10-2006, 07:29 PM

<img src="http://www.cinetalk.org/images/so_I_married_an_axe_murderer01.jpg" border="0" width="300" height="216" />(I wish I had some Photoshop skills.)

led37zep

12-10-2006, 07:29 PM

If you were a risk taker I'd say put a red wig on and cover yourself in whiskey next time you two are banging.  Might get kinda fun, or illegal.  Use her hate where it belongs, in the bedroom.

Tenbatsuzen

12-10-2006, 07:30 PM

FezPaul wrote: Is there a chance she can intern for Ron & Fez? She has the Mikeyboy Radio Career Philosophy

Tenbatsuzen

12-10-2006, 07:32 PM

When she found out the wedding was featured on board gossip, she said, "I am going to hurt him.  And by hurt, I mean the kind of poetic pain that resonates inside a person's body for a long, long time death.  Death is too good for him.  No, I want him to feel pain." Did I mention this was during brunch with my parents?

Tenbatsuzen

12-10-2006, 07:33 PM

led37zep wrote: If you were a risk taker I'd say put a red wig on and cover yourself in whiskey next time you two are banging. Might get kinda fun, or illegal. Use her hate where it belongs, in the bedroom.  The red wig and whiskey would bring up memories of the Ronald McDonald incident I don't like to talk about.

FUNKMAN

12-10-2006, 07:34 PM

did she ever write this stuff down? cause then it would beMurder She Wrote i'm fucking on fire tonightgo funkman, it's your birfday, go funkman, it's your birfday

Tall_James

12-10-2006, 07:34 PM

Tenbatsuzen wrote: When she found out the wedding was featured on board gossip, she said, "I am going to hurt him.  And by hurt, I mean the kind of poetic pain that resonates inside a person's body for a long, long time death.  Death is too good for him.  No, I want him to feel pain." Did I mention this was during brunch with my parents? So, he won't be getting the "Chicken or Prime Rib" card in his mailbox anytime soon?

Andomray

12-10-2006, 07:35 PM

FUNKMAN wrote: did she ever write this stuff down? cause then it would beMurder She Wrote i'm fucking on fire tonightgo funkman, it's your birfday, go funkman, it's your birfday http://thelmagazine.com/4/6/Film/murder-she-wrote.jpg

Fallon

12-10-2006, 07:41 PM

Tenbatsuzen wrote:"You can drive the getaway car, Matthew!""You can dig the ditch to hide the body, right, Matthew?" "You'll help me keep his head in the fryer, right, Matthew?"  <img src="http://i67.photobucket.com/albums/h281/WWFallon/matt.jpg" border="0" width="480" height="360" />

Tenbatsuzen

12-10-2006, 07:44 PM

Tall_James wrote: Tenbatsuzen wrote: When she found out the wedding was featured on board gossip, she said, "I am going to hurt him. And by hurt, I mean the kind of poetic pain that resonates inside a person's body for a long, long time death. Death is too good for him. No, I want him to feel pain." Did I mention this was during brunch with my parents? So, he won't be getting the "Chicken or Prime Rib" card in his mailbox anytime soon? "Dave is not invited.  Dave needs to be beaten.  And even if he is beaten, he's still not invited." - Liz.

TheMojoPin

12-10-2006, 07:45 PM

Fallon wrote: Tenbatsuzen wrote:"You can drive the getaway car, Matthew!""You can dig the ditch to hide the body, right, Matthew?" "You'll help me keep his head in the fryer, right, Matthew?"  <img src="http://i67.photobucket.com/albums/h281/WWFallon/matt.jpg" border="0" width="480" height="360" />"Way to go, spaz."

FUNKMAN

12-10-2006, 07:45 PM

my wife murdered a few meals but that's about it

Tenbatsuzen

12-10-2006, 07:49 PM

Fez was going to be invited, but apparently ADF ruined that for all of us.  THANKS ADF. Liz thinks she can shut Dave up by breaking his jaw with a well-placed cowbell shot.  She's hoping Ron will teach her, like Caine in Kung Fu.

Recyclerz

12-10-2006, 07:51 PM

Two is me.Other than that little tid-bit, she seems perfectly sane to me.

sailor

12-10-2006, 08:00 PM

wait, so this is all because of football??  razzle dazzle!!

FUNKMAN

12-10-2006, 08:14 PM

i know some people on this board that murder the english language

Death Metal Moe

12-10-2006, 08:41 PM

I can't pretend to give a shit about sports, but I love the hate and rage.HORNS UP!!!If you guys plan a murder, please PM me.

fohat

12-10-2006, 09:40 PM

Here's some sound advice for her."Once that youve decided on a killing First you make a stone of your heart And if you find that your hands are still willing Then you can turn a murder into art There really isnt any need for bloodshed You just do it with a little more finesse If you can slip a tablet into someones coffee Then it avoids an awful lot of mess Its murder by numbers, one, two, three Its as easy to learn as your abc Murder by numbers, one, two, three Its as easy to learn as your abcNow if you have a taste for this experience And youre flushed with your very first success Then you must try a twosome or a threesome And youll find your conscience bothers you much less Because murder is like anything you take to Its a habit-forming need for more and more You can bump off every member of your family And anybody else you find a bore Because its murder by numbers, one, two, three Its as easy to learn as your abc Murder by numbers, one, two, three Its as easy to learn as your abc Now you can join the ranks of the illustrious In historys great dark hall of fame All our greatest killers were industrious At least the ones that we all know by name But you can reach the top of your profession If you become the leader of the land For murder is the sport of the elected And you dont need to lift a finger of your hand Because its murder by numbers, one, two, three Its as easy to learn as your abc Murder by numbers, one, two, three Its as easy to learn as your a, b, c, d"- Murder by Numbers, The Police Hope that helps her to make a decision! Edit: I think I broke it again  

This message was edited by fohat on 12-11-06 @ 1:41 AM

Tenbatsuzen

12-11-2006, 05:23 AM

I just found out that she is trying to bring an outside party into this situation.

angelinad128

12-11-2006, 05:31 AM

Why would the news of the marriage piss her off?  I may be a little slow this morning, sorry about that but is it because it was Dave who said it?

Tenbatsuzen

12-11-2006, 10:05 AM

angelinad128 wrote: Why would the news of the marriage piss her off?  I may be a little slow this morning, sorry about that but is it because it was Dave who said it?  It wasn't so much Dave talking about the wedding, it's more about Dave being a poseur in reference to Rutgers.It's the first time she's ever dealt with bandwagon fans, so she didn't take it too kindly.

Don Stugots

12-11-2006, 10:16 AM

since dave isnt getting an invite i will expect one.  thanks.

Tenbatsuzen

12-11-2006, 10:21 AM

STUGOTS1 wrote: since dave isnt getting an invite i will expect one.  thanks.  Well, we had such a MARVELOUS time at you and Regina's nuptials... oh. wait.

Don Stugots

12-11-2006, 10:25 AM

Tenbatsuzen wrote: STUGOTS1 wrote: since dave isnt getting an invite i will expect one. thanks.  Well, we had such a MARVELOUS time at you and Regina's nuptials... oh. wait.   it was open an invite to anyone on the board, you were welcomed.

Death Metal Moe

12-11-2006, 10:37 AM

Tenbatsuzen wrote: I just found out that she is trying to bring an outside party into this situation. <img src="http://www.gregmcivor.com/images/misc/o_n_a/100th_show/ona07.JPG" border="0" width="640" height="480" />

Tenbatsuzen

12-11-2006, 10:40 AM

Death Metal Moe wrote: Tenbatsuzen wrote: I just found out that she is trying to bring an outside party into this situation. <img src="http://www.gregmcivor.com/images/misc/o_n_a/100th_show/ona07.JPG" border="0" width="640" height="480" />Gold star for today, Moe.

ralphbxny

12-11-2006, 12:38 PM

If she were to knock him out at the Xmas Party she would be Ron and Fez royalty to some....why lie to most!

Thebazile78

12-13-2006, 09:50 AM

Death Metal Moe wrote: I can't pretend to give a shit about sports, but I love the hate and rage.HORNS UP!!!If you guys plan a murder, please PM me. This isn't really about football. This is because ESD does not understand what it's been like for the past TEN MOTHERFUCKING YEARS (this includes my entire 4-years of earning my BA at Rutgers as well as the 6 years it's been since I graduated) of the dumbasses who, upon being told that Rutgers won the first ever intercollegiate football game back in 1869, use the moth-eaten punchline "and they never won a game since" (Yuk-yuk-yuk!) EVERY FUCKING TIME I talk about it.  He was not at the Miami-Rutgers game in 1996 that was so fucking bad that all ESPN could talk about was how Rutgers couldn't keep the field in Rutgers Stadium together . . . it had rained the night before, the Stadium is on the floodplain of the Raritan River and the drainage system for the field wasn't so good - LAY THE FUCK OFF THE FIELD! It's not the field's fault that Shea can't coach, or the team can't play. He didn't see us LOSE to motherfucking TEMPLE on HOMECOMING in 1997.He didn't survive the ridicule, scorn and sunburn of the 0-11 season in 1997 or 1999.He didn't want to ring the Old Queens Bell in the 1998 season when we went 5-6.He drove me to the point of plotting a SEVERE beating, not because of football, but because of honor, pride and the Scarlet Knights' years of humiliation at the hands of that jackass Terry Shea.  And, Moe,  if this becomes a murder plot rather than a severe beating plot, you're the first person I'll call.

Thebazile78

12-13-2006, 09:53 AM

angelinad128 wrote: Why would the news of the marriage piss her off? I may be a little slow this morning, sorry about that but is it because it was Dave who said it? Nah, you're not slow, you just don't understand that I believe that my life shouldn't be used as part of the show, especially if it's without my permission.

ShelleBink

12-13-2006, 10:11 AM

FUNKMAN wrote: my wife murdered a few meals but that's about it YOU SPEAK LIES!!! LIEEEES!!

terry1979

12-13-2006, 10:12 AM

Thebazile78 wrote: Death Metal Moe wrote: I can't pretend to give a shit about sports, but I love the hate and rage.HORNS UP!!!If you guys plan a murder, please PM me. This isn't really about football. This is because ESD does not understand what it's been like for the past TEN MOTHERFUCKING YEARS (this includes my entire 4-years of earning my BA at Rutgers as well as the 6 years it's been since I graduated) of the dumbasses who, upon being told that Rutgers won the first ever intercollegiate football game back in 1869, use the moth-eaten punchline "and they never won a game since" (Yuk-yuk-yuk!) EVERY FUCKING TIME I talk about it.  He was not at the Miami-Rutgers game in 1996 that was so fucking bad that all ESPN could talk about was how Rutgers couldn't keep the field in Rutgers Stadium together . . . it had rained the night before, the Stadium is on the floodplain of the Raritan River and the drainage system for the field wasn't so good - LAY THE FUCK OFF THE FIELD! It's not the field's fault that Shea can't coach, or the team can't play. He didn't see us LOSE to motherfucking TEMPLE on HOMECOMING in 1997.He didn't survive the ridicule, scorn and sunburn of the 0-11 season in 1997 or 1999.He didn't want to ring the Old Queens Bell in the 1998 season when we went 5-6.He drove me to the point of plotting a SEVERE beating, not because of football, but because of honor, pride and the Scarlet Knights' years of humiliation at the hands of that jackass Terry Shea.  And, Moe,  if this becomes a murder plot rather than a severe beating plot, you're the first person I'll call.  Fuck Rutgers....Jersey sucks.

FUNKMAN

12-13-2006, 10:32 AM

ShelleBink wrote: FUNKMAN wrote: my wife murdered a few meals but that's about it  YOU SPEAK LIES!!! LIEEEES!!okay you got me, it was just the wings and brownies cause i have had better...