View Full Version : Life's Curveball
ShelleBink
12-30-2006, 02:53 PM
<p align="justify">This week I'm going temp work at my old job to make some quick cash during the holiday break. Where I work happens to be the place where I met a guy I ended up dating for a while. He abused me in ways I didn't even realize until after the fact, and did things to hurt me in ways I didn't think one person could hurt another. It lead to a lot of pain and a mistake made on my part, in which I've been doing what I can to make things better to the people I hurt while defending the person I believed I was in love with.</p><p align="justify">I had seen him a few times when visiting the place ((I should mention, my mom has worked there for several years, and I have a lot of people who helped me through the tough time while I was still there - so visiting isn't that weird to me)). We wouldn't speak, and he'd just go about his business. The last time I visited before working there again now, he asked me how I was, hoped I was doing well, and just was nice to me in a civil manner.</p><p align="justify">I work there this week, and was put right back into a mangerial position and ended up having to work with him directly ((along with the few dozen other guys)). So we ended up speaking on the phone several times during the day, to which we both were civil, and borderline nice. Tuesday I asked him how his kids were, and he showed me a few pictures of them. I honestly can say I've missed them with all my heart for a long, long time.</p><p align="justify">Wednesday we spoke more, still nice and joked around a bit. He left for the day early, and called me on a work phone I had and asked if I'd call him after work. I told him I'd think about it, and I finished out my day. I texted him that night asking why he wanted me to call him, and he texted back that he wanted to give me an explanation for how he treated me and why he was such a "raging asshole."</p><p align="justify">During all of this, I was telling the guy I'm seeing now about the progression of the conversations between the ex and myself. I felt he should know, and I had no reason to hide what was going on. So I told the guy now that I was probably going to speak to the ex, and he said he'd be there for me if I needed ((which meant a lot to me to have someone accept something i felt i needed to do, even if they didn't understand why)).</p><p align="justify">So, late Wednesday night, after talking with the guy I'm with now about the ex, I call the ex and there's no answer. I leave a voicemail, nothing nasty, but basically "Hey, I'm calling because you asked me to, call me later." For some reason, I still felt he would somehow use something against me and claim to our boss that I could be harassing him, therefore I did what I could to cover my own ass and avoid any issues.</p><p align="justify">Thursday the ex wasn't at work, he was scheduled to have Thurs and Fri off because he had his kids over for the holidays. Thursday night he called me and we had a very long conversation where he apologized for all the hurt he caused me, and I told him off a bit on exactly what I had been through ((OD, hospitals, several therapists, hurting my family, etc.)). I could tell it surprised and hurt him what he was a bit of a catalyst for, and the apology was very honest. And the same person who said when we were together "I'll never go to a therapist, there's no hope for me." had gone to therapy for over a year in order to get his life straightened out. He's changed. A lot. He wants to be my friend, and be able to confide in me when he needs it. He still loves me. And unfortunately, a naive and stupid part of me still cares for him and always has.</p><p align="justify">So Friday morning I told my mom that I had spoken to the ex, and she took it better than I anticipated. She was especially shocked that he had gone to therapy and h
ChrisTheCop
12-30-2006, 03:09 PM
<p>Are you auditioning for the part of Dexter's girlfriend?</p><p>Stop it. This is exactly why nice guys like me never get the girl. </p><p>Let the next girl be the benefactor of his new found greatness. His prior actions have lost him the right to have any kind of relationship with YOU. </p>
ShelleBink
12-30-2006, 03:13 PM
i'd rather he just go gay. that would make everything so much better for everyone.
ChrisTheCop
12-30-2006, 03:15 PM
Why'd you say that after MY post? ...what have ya heard????
mdr55
12-30-2006, 03:15 PM
<p>Sometimes you have to leave the past behind. The past will always be with you, after all it shapes who you are and stuff. But sometimes things are better off in the past. You seem to be a stronger person that you give yourself credit to be. If the apology and affirmation (that what happened was not your fault) never was said, would it had made a difference? Seems that you still have reservations of all the stuff that happened. Maybe it's time to just let it go.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
ShelleBink
12-30-2006, 03:17 PM
i've seen pictures chris, lots of pictures...
ShelleBink
12-30-2006, 03:28 PM
<strong>mdr55</strong> wrote:<br /><p> If the apology and affirmation (that what happened was not your fault) never was said, would it had made a difference? </p><p> I'd say so. For over three years I've been blaming myself for things that happened, even after being told by family, friends, therapists, doctors, etc that it wasn't my fault. Hearing the person who hurt you say it wasn't anything I did, and in fact if he took my advice to go to counseling then, he'd probably ended up differently. Its just very confusing considering I felt he hated me all this time, when in actuality, I was a main topic in his therapy sessions. I've also found I hadn't been able to fully open up to guys I dated since him, usually freaking out and running away before I could really commit myself to another person. This changes a lot of things for me, but not really in a totally bad way. </p>
FUNKMAN
12-30-2006, 03:30 PM
just put all of the extra emotions into your current boyfriend, rock his world...
Poochie
12-30-2006, 03:30 PM
<p><font size="2">It sounds to me Shelle, as if you have made your peace with this guy and the relationship, and it should be left at that. i was in a similar relationship myself, and I swear there are still days (4 years later), that i miss him and our times together. he was an awful person for the most part, abusive, possesive, jealous and an overall mindfucker. i had to finally end it all with a restraining order, had to move, change phone numbers, job, etc..but i still think about the good times, of which i have yet to experience with someone else. If he were to come to me today and tell me what your ex told you, I can't say i wouldn't feel the exact same way as you. BUT, just remember all the shit he did put you through. Regardless of his personal redemption, therapy, etc..he still hurt you. badly. and that will never change. Sounds like you have a good guy now, hang on to him, see where it goes. don't go back to the past..good luck sweetie!</font></p>
ShelleBink
12-30-2006, 03:35 PM
Yea, I guess my biggest issue is how this often happens to me... I'll be cruising along through life just fine and something will just shake me around like I'm in a snowglobe.
Bulldogcakes
12-30-2006, 03:44 PM
I'm getting Deja vu reading this thread. Didn't we go through this all once before?
DJEvelEd
12-30-2006, 03:49 PM
<p>I don't think you should be talking to him.</p><p>Is your current boyfriend cool enough about it to read this thread above post? You are going to ruin your current relationship with stuff like this. I sure wouldn't be happy if my chick was calling her ex. If you're going to rekindle your old relationship, you should be honest with your current boyfriend and break it off as it's totally unfair to him. The ex doesn't sound too stable and your current boyfriend is being a mensch but don't expect that to go on if you keep talking to your old BF. </p><p>The grass is rarely greener on the other side. </p><p>People usually want what they know they cannot have.</p>
reeshy
12-30-2006, 04:41 PM
Wait...go back...Chris is gay??????????
angelinad128
12-30-2006, 04:46 PM
<p>It's great that he went for help and seems like he's better, but leave conversations with thim to just work related issues.</p><p>You are getting to know a new guy. Give him a chance!!!!</p>
Landblast
12-30-2006, 05:03 PM
<strong>ShelleBink</strong> wrote:<br /><p align="justify">Thursday the ex wasn't at work, he was scheduled to have Thurs and Fri off because he had his kids over for the holidays. Thursday night he called me and we had a very long conversation where he apologized for all the hurt he caused me, and I told him off a bit on exactly what I had been through ((OD, hospitals, several therapists, hurting my family, etc.)). I could tell it surprised and hurt him what he was a bit of a catalyst for, and the apology was very honest. And the same person who said when we were together "I'll never go to a therapist, there's no hope for me." had gone to therapy for over a year in order to get his life straightened out. He's changed. A lot. He wants to be my friend, and be able to confide in me when he needs it. <span style="background-color: #ccffff">He still loves me.</span> And unfortunately, a naive and stupid part of me still cares for him and always has.</p><p> hey Shelle, i don't know you and I don't want to step on any toes but, how do you know he still loves you?</p>
dereckfishboy
12-30-2006, 05:21 PM
<strong>DJEvelEd</strong> wrote:<br /><p>I don't think you should be talking to him.</p><p>Is your current boyfriend cool enough about it to read this thread above post? You are going to ruin your current relationship with stuff like this. I sure wouldn't be happy if my chick was calling her ex. If you're going to rekindle your old relationship, you should be honest with your current boyfriend and break it off as it's totally unfair to him. The ex doesn't sound too stable and your current boyfriend is being a mensch but don't expect that to go on if you keep talking to your old BF. </p><p>The grass is rarely greener on the other side. </p><p>People usually want what they know they cannot have.</p><p> </p><p>I'm with Ed, I think he nailed it on the head. If you keep allowing yourself to be confused and side-trekked with what you want, you're just going to keep hurting yourself AND other people. </p>
dereckfishboy
12-30-2006, 05:22 PM
<strong>reeshy</strong> wrote:<br />Wait...go back...Chris is gay??????????<p> </p><p>Hold on... isn't this a gay message board? I googled "pee in my butt" and it brought me here, so just assumed.... </p>
<p>I've gone over my philosophy on this before...</p><p>Ex's as friends very rarely work (yes, I know...I'll get a bunch of stories from people saying 'I'm friends with mine'...it won't change my opinion). I know it personally and I've seen it in action too. </p><p>Things start out fine, but it ALMOST always goes back to when the people involved were together, and so many people fall back in, and then the break up the second time around is so much more worse.</p><p>If you have feelings for him and want to go out with him again, that would be one thing. Because if that was the scenario, you'd be clear on your feelings. </p><p>But the friend path is a difficult one to walk, especially bringing an Ex back into your life when you're seeing someone else. </p><p>I don't know you, or the type of person you are Shelle...maybe you could handle it...but it seems to go wrong a lot more than it goes right when it comes to this...but maybe it's just me. </p><p> </p><p> </p><span class="post_edited"></span>
<span class=post_edited>This message was edited by K.C. on 12-30-06 @ 9:45 PM</span>
pennington
12-30-2006, 06:06 PM
<p>Nothing good can come from where this is heading. I think you know that too, which is why you posted this. You need to back off from all non-work conversation. He may be manipulating you again.</p><p>Look, no offense, I don't know you. This sounds like the alcoholic, who after a long and painful dry-out starts drinking beer again and saying "I can stay away from the hard stuff".</p><p>And as has been stated above, this is incredibly unfair to the guy you're seeing now.</p><p>Sorry.</p>
<p>Shelle,</p><p>While it's great for him and I guess for other girls that he's a better person now than he was when he was abusing you, he lost his chance with you. He doesn't deserve you for that reason. From what little I understand, the circumstances of the relationship were such that you gave it a good chance to work and it didn't. If your relationship is good now, then don't even worry about the other guy. If you want to revisit it later and you truly feel like you're two different people than you were before then fine, but if you're with someone, I'd focus on him. I know it's confusing, but I'd avoid your ex as much as possible to avoid the confusion. </p><p> </p>
Lumber
12-30-2006, 06:39 PM
<strong>DJEvelEd</strong> wrote:<br /><p> </p><p>Is your current boyfriend cool enough about it to read this thread above post? You are going to ruin your current relationship with stuff like this. I sure wouldn't be happy if my chick was calling her ex. If you're going to rekindle your old relationship, you should be honest with your current boyfriend and break it off as it's totally unfair to him. The ex doesn't sound too stable and your current boyfriend is being a mensch but don't expect that to go on if you keep talking to your old BF. </p><p>The grass is rarely greener on the other side. </p><p>People usually want what they know they cannot have.</p><p> I could'nt agree more.</p>
sr71blackbird
12-30-2006, 09:11 PM
Dont do it Shelle. Stick with the new guy and get the ex out of your life and mind. He is trouble; people don't really change.
FezPaul
12-31-2006, 01:10 AM
<strong>sr71blackbird</strong> wrote:<br />Dont do it Shelle. Stick with the new guy and get the ex out of your life and mind. He is trouble; people don't really change. <p><strong><font face="courier new,courier" size="2">What he said.</font></strong></p>
<p>I am a firm believer in the philosophy "an ex is an ex" for a reason. I've tested and re-tested this hypothesis several times rekindling several bad and a few good relationships, but they always fail just becuase there was a reason you two broke up in the first place. </p><p>It seems like this guy has a large influence over you which I mention only inasmuch as you don't want to sabotage your new relationship (which from what I read seems to make you very happy). How long were you together with the ex? How long have you two been apart? (Sorry if that was in your thread, I wish you could see the old responses while you're replying) If the relationship was that toxic it might take a good long while (even with both of you having been to therapy) to get to the point where you can have even an extremely casual friendship. </p><p> I agree with DJEvelEd's comments on this, but good luck with whatever your decision is. If you are ready to pursue the friendship I hope that you're strong enough to do so with out getting sucked back in and that he's changed enough to not get you back to the place you were mentally the last time. </p>
angrymissy
01-02-2007, 04:28 PM
Why in the world do you keep going back to this job, KNOWING he will be there?<p> </p>
<strong>angrymissy</strong> wrote:<br />Why in the world do you keep going back to this job, KNOWING he will be there?<p> </p><p>I'm surprised you asked this question, unless you were asking it rhetorically. </p>
angrymissy
01-02-2007, 05:00 PM
<p>I just don't understand. I see so many women do this over and over. Once physical violence happens, I would never ever forgive. Ever.</p><p>Be strong. He is just manipulating you. Don't keep putting yourself in a situation where you will ruin your current relationship. </p>
boeman
01-02-2007, 06:06 PM
<strong>angrymissy</strong> wrote:<br /><p>I just don't understand. I see so many women do this over and over. Once physical violence happens, I would never ever forgive. Ever.</p><p>Be strong. He is just manipulating you. Don't keep putting yourself in a situation where you will ruin your current relationship. </p><p>That's great advice.</p>
Bossanova
01-02-2007, 06:27 PM
<p>Shelle, </p><p>Whenever I hear rehab and ex in the same post it just makes me cringe. Rehab is hell and I could never think of turning back to a person who drove me there.</p>
Jughead
01-02-2007, 06:49 PM
Shel,Please listen Ive been married 32 years......The fact that ya have to ask means This is not him RUN!!!
ShelleBink
01-03-2007, 12:47 PM
<strong>narc</strong> wrote:<br /><strong>angrymissy</strong> wrote:<br />Why in the world do you keep going back to this job, KNOWING he will be there?<p> </p><p>I'm surprised you asked this question, unless you were asking it rhetorically. </p><p>simple. the place is quick money, and in spite of the issues with one person here, a lot of people here i'm closer to than most of my family ((in fact, its a FAMILY business, and they really emphasize the word)). the job isn't my career, but i generally am always around to visit. hell, im writing this from there right now.</p><p>as for the situation, things that have happened lately have kind of pushed me in a better direction and able to realize i need some time to think shit through. the new guy is absolutely amazing, and i think that's all im going to say for a while.</p><p> </p><p>thanks everyone.</p>
angelinad128
01-03-2007, 01:02 PM
<strong>ShelleBink</strong> wrote:<br /><strong>narc</strong> wrote:<br /><strong>angrymissy</strong> wrote:<br />Why in the world do you keep going back to this job, KNOWING he will be there?<p> </p><p>I'm surprised you asked this question, unless you were asking it rhetorically. </p><p>simple. the place is quick money, and in spite of the issues with one person here, a lot of people here i'm closer to than most of my family ((in fact, its a FAMILY business, and they really emphasize the word)). the job isn't my career, but i generally am always around to visit. hell, im writing this from there right now.</p><p>as for the situation, things that have happened lately have kind of pushed me in a better direction and able to realize i need some time to think shit through. <font style="background-color: #ffcc00"> the new guy is absolutely amazing,</font> and i think that's all im going to say for a while.</p><p> </p><p>thanks everyone.</p><p>That's so great your deserve it! Now just send that good luck my way...lol</p>
Sheeplovr
01-03-2007, 06:18 PM
Marc Bolan Said Lifes and elevator<br />
ShelleBink
01-04-2007, 06:53 AM
<strong>Sheeplovr</strong> wrote:<br />Marc Bolan Said Lifes and elevator<br /><p>indeed i go up and down, and people push my buttons.</p>
TastelessGinny
01-04-2007, 07:18 AM
<p>I know I'm coming in late on the conversation but a curious thing happened to me in December that sort of fits in with how you might feel.</p><p> </p><p>I've been married for 24 years. In December, I was contacted by a guy I dated 25 years ago (I got married 2 months after I met my husband). He started by asking me how life had treated me, seemed like it ws turning into a booty call, and now he simply writes about his wife (I guess after realizing that I'm married & faithful).</p><p>A couple of weeks later, I was contacted by a guy that I'd dated 26 years ago. (I informed my husband that "I appear to be running a special on ex-boyfriends.") This ex-boyfriend actually TOLD me that he looked for me for a decade, gave up and stopped looking, then got a girlfriend and finally got married 10 years ago but that he never got over me and still thinks of me.</p><p>26 years.</p><p>It actually disturbed me. But after I made it clear that I wasn't going to resume a relationship with him, he abruptly stopped emailing me.</p><p>I mention this, because there are people out there who you've encountered in life and relationships that you had, and these people may never stop thinking about you or wondering "what if." You may even feel this way about someone. The key here is to remember that the relationship ended, and remember WHY that relationship ended...and if you took up with that person again, no matter how much they seem to have changed...they are still the core person that they were back then. You're going to be doomed to repeat history.</p><p>They say "you can't go home again," and it's true and there are reasons for that. I say it's best you don't get involved with this guy again, even as a friend.</p><p> </p><p>(but now that I've given you my advice may I say that I must be SOME piece of ass. They never forget me.) </p>
<p>Is it always doomed to fail? Should a retry at a relationship with an ex be avoided at all costs for any reason? </p><p>I ask because I can unfortunately see myself being the guy in this situation... kind of. We broke up only 3 months ago. At first I was ok with it. Things got extremely bad between us and I was relieved it was over. I even posted a thread about it here. But now, for some reason that I can seem to get a total grasp of, a big part of me wants her back again. We broke up and got back together probably 7 or 8 times in the 3 years we were together, but the last time was the kicker. It was definitely over, but now i find myself thinking about us being together again, and hoping that it would be different. I was an asshole and a jerk several times throughout out years together, but i never abused her or anything like that. I was just a really shitty boyfriend, and she deserves much more than what I had to offer. But she stuck with me, she believed in me, and I was the one that initiated the final breakup so she still would have stuck with me probably. We did have a lot of fun and laughs in between the bad times, and we had a connection that I never had with anybody and probably never will. I definitely still love her. So i guess that's why I can't seem to move on. But the tiny part of my brain that contains a little intelligence tells me that it will never work, that it will always be something and things wouldn't change. So that's what i've been battling with. Life... love it.</p>
<strong>trig</strong> wrote:<br /><p>Is it always doomed to fail? Should a retry at a relationship with an ex be avoided at all costs for any reason? </p><p>I ask because I can unfortunately see myself being the guy in this situation... kind of. We broke up only 3 months ago. At first I was ok with it. Things got extremely bad between us and I was relieved it was over. I even posted a thread about it here. But now, for some reason that I can seem to get a total grasp of, a big part of me wants her back again. We broke up and got back together probably 7 or 8 times in the 3 years we were together, but the last time was the kicker. It was definitely over, but now i find myself thinking about us being together again, and hoping that it would be different. I was an asshole and a jerk several times throughout out years together, but i never abused her or anything like that. I was just a really shitty boyfriend, and she deserves much more than what I had to offer. But she stuck with me, she believed in me, and I was the one that initiated the final breakup so she still would have stuck with me probably. We did have a lot of fun and laughs in between the bad times, and we had a connection that I never had with anybody and probably never will. I definitely still love her. So i guess that's why I can't seem to move on. But the tiny part of my brain that contains a little intelligence tells me that it will never work, that it will always be something and things wouldn't change. So that's what i've been battling with. Life... love it.</p><p>Whether someone wants to get back together with an ex, or be friends with an ex after breaking up, I think both take a level of maturity that most people just don't have.</p><p>I don't think it's ALWAYS going to fail, but I think it fails more times than not because of that. </p><p>People tend to remember the good things and neglect or minmalize the problems in hindsight. </p><p>If someone wants to make be friends with their ex, I think they have to honestly reflect to themselves whether or not they really just want to be friends, or whether it's a defense mechanism to avoid cutting the person out of your life because you still have feelings for them. If the latter is true, I don't know how anyone can make a friendship work with that underlying thought.</p><p>But more specifically to your problem, someone who wants to get back with their ex, I think they need to ask themselves whether they really care about the person or do they just miss the security of being in the old relationship and not having to explore for something new. Also, I think they have to objectively look at all of the bad from before and honestly assess whether it will work. </p><p>The problem is, that it's very difficult to be objective and honest when it comes to this. </p>
ShelleBink
01-13-2007, 06:18 PM
I think a person can potentially be with an ex again as long as there's a willingness to try and also repair the issues that they had with one another the last time they were together. However, this isn't always the case, and sometimes just having that person that you shared many good moments ((and clearly also some bad ones too)) as a friend should make you grateful enough. Its sort of refreshing having someone around who knows you just about as well as you know yourself, and genuinely wants you happy, no matter if you're with them or with someone else. I'm incredibly fortunate in my situation at the moment in being able to heal some leftover scars from the past while enjoying the new things in my life as well.
vBulletin® v3.7.0, Copyright ©2000-2025, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.