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RoseBlood

02-10-2007, 08:32 PM

This is something that has been with me for a long time and I don't know where to begin. I apologize because I'm probably going to be all over the place but you see I don't know, I need to vent and my mind feels like a jigsaw puzzle now. So if you don't feel like being confused or feeling awkward stop reading this NOW!!! I'm sure I'm going to regret writing this in a public forum but I don't know where else to go. It's difficult talking to people face to face about this subject matter mainly cause I feel awkward.. like I'm making them feel weird and uncomfortable and I hate to do that!!! I like to joke and make light of situations mostly but right now I can't do that. I'm going out of my mind and am finding it very difficult to explain this.. i don't know exactly why but I NEED too!Ok so growing up I had this cousin who is now a 35 year old man (and i use the noun “man” lightly). He lived 2 blocks away from the house I grew up in. His mother and my mother are sisters. I spent many days and nights there. My heart is racing the more I think about this and see the words on my screen and I want to knock my head against a brick wall!!@ Ok so let me fast forward my already self-derailed story.. Jan. 2003 I am made aware that this cousin who was 31 yrs old raped my then 17 yr old cousin. I don’t need to go into anymore details as far as that goes but I was not surprised to hear the news. I have to stop typing cause I’m making myself feel sick to my stomach. Ok, so it was at this time that I came clean about my experiences with him. I didn’t willing decide to disclose this to my family but upon hearing the news I couldn’t hold my feelings in. I also decided to finally speak up because I needed to ‘defend’ my cousin because I was afraid her rep. Would come into question even amongst some family members. It wasn’t easy to do but after letting everything sit in my head for a while I was overcome with guilt.. Because I could have prevented this from happening had I said something sooner which I didn’t because I just couldn’t bring myself too. I might also mention that it was later discovered he had a 3rd victim . I don’t really know the girl. I met her once many years ago. She is older than me. She lives In Pennsylvania with her trailer trash family. Anyway all I know is I do remember her face and I remember seeing something in her eyes even all those years back. Her story is worse because she has NOBODY in her corner. From what I heard she went to her family after it happened and basically told her family “that asshole sal doesn’t take No for an aswer”. Her family didn’t believe her and that’s the last I ever heard of it. Now, I’m trying to be concise and failing miserably. I have a wake to go to Monday and I know He will be there. A lot of feelings are milling around in me right now.. I don’t know what to do. I really can’t do anything but the fact that I haven’t seen him in nearly 4 years and the thought of seeing him well I don’t know what I’m feeling. I want to see him only to prove something to myself but at the same time my heart hurts for my cousin and this other girl who I know little about. I want to talk to these girls so bad and tell them I’m sorry. Well I did write an e-mail once to my cousin a couple years ago. She didn’t say anything or respond but when I see her we’re pleasant but we don’t discuss anything. I am mad that that’s how my family has decided to handle everything. I understand everyone has been placed in a really fucked up situation and no one wants to say the wrong things but this man fucked up 3 lives and he’s still living his life while we’re left to pick up the pieces. My

Kevin

02-10-2007, 08:43 PM

I really don't know what to say except i really feel for what you are going through. You seem like a nice person and i hate to see nice people go through this shit. My best advice would be sit with your cousin, talk it out. And try to get her to come out and out him together, so he does not do that terrible act and ruin anymore young girls lives.

RoseBlood

02-10-2007, 08:47 PM

Kevin wrote: I really don't know what to say except i really feel for what you are going through. You seem like a nice person and i hate to see nice people go through this shit. My best advice would be sit with your cousin, talk it out. And try to get her to come out and out him together, so he does not do that terrible act and ruin anymore young girls lives. She won't talk and frankly I'm not comfortable forcing her too. He was 'outted' by her folks 2 days after it happened. He is such a coward he knew he would be returning home to pittsburgh when everything unfolded. But her family was brave enough to confront his folks which is more than i can say for my folks. Of course he denied everything said it was concensual (it's never consenual when you're 31 and she's 17 prick!) When my brother talked to him over the phone about me he claims he doesn't remember and taht was the end of that.! The scarey part is the statute of limitations is fast approaching.

This message was edited by RoseBlood on 2-11-07 @ 12:48 AM

RoseBlood

02-10-2007, 08:52 PM

Kevin wrote: I really don't know what to say except i really feel for what you are going through. You seem like a nice person and i hate to see nice people go through this shit. My best advice would be sit with your cousin, talk it out. And try to get her to come out and out him together, so he does not do that terrible act and ruin anymore young girls lives. thanks anyway.. nothing really to say i just needed to vent.

narc

02-10-2007, 08:53 PM

I can't even imagine how hard that must have been for you to write. The worst part about that is that your family is not as supportive as you wish they could be. That could make all the difference. If you really wanted to go after him, you wouldn't need them.....but it would certainly help. I wouldn't want to have to go through that without them, even though the legal system has come lightyears in trying to protect the people they should protect. If I were you I'd be so hung up on the rage thing that I wouldn't be able to get past that - but you're probably beyond that through the therapy and everything. I just hope that he is made to suffer through the other people a quarter of the anguish you'd have to suffer. But you shouldn't feel guilty either. Obviously, he has a serious serious problem, and that is not your fault. I know that rape survivors frequently feel guilt, and the fact that it involves your cousin has to make you feel like shit, but what he did to you, which also indirectly made you not want to talk about this, because of how personally wounding it is, is entirely his fault and not your fault at all. And he's a son of a bitch for making you feel like it is in some way your fault. Not to mention the fact that nobody held a gun to his head and made him rape your cousin.I think you've got absolutely the right attitude going into the wake. Keep your head held up no matter what. Obviously, I've never met you, but it seems like you've got a lot to be proud of.  I can understand if you don't want to talk about this, but I'm willing to offer whatever support I can.

RoseBlood

02-10-2007, 08:56 PM

narc wrote: I can't even imagine how hard that must have been for you to write. The worst part about that is that your family is not as supportive as you wish they could be. That could make all the difference. If you really wanted to go after him, you wouldn't need them.....but it would certainly help. I wouldn't want to have to go through that without them, even though the legal system has come lightyears in trying to protect the people they should protect. If I were you I'd be so hung up on the rage thing that I wouldn't be able to get past that - but you're probably beyond that through the therapy and everything. I just hope that he is made to suffer through the other people a quarter of the anguish you'd have to suffer. But you shouldn't feel guilty either. Obviously, he has a serious serious problem, and that is not your fault. I know that rape survivors frequently feel guilt, and the fact that it involves your cousin has to make you feel like shit, but what he did to you, which also indirectly made you not want to talk about this, because of how personally wounding it is, is entirely his fault and not your fault at all. And he's a son of a bitch for making you feel like it is in some way your fault. Not to mention the fact that nobody held a gun to his head and made him rape your cousin.I think you've got absolutely the right attitude going into the wake. Keep your head held up no matter what. Obviously, I've never met you, but it seems like you've got a lot to be proud of.  I can understand if you don't want to talk about this, but I'm willing to offer whatever support I can. I wouldn't have posted it if I was that uncomfortable. this didn't happen yesterday i've had plenty of time for these thoughts to fester.. the whole wake thing just brought it to the surface again.. thank you though

weekapaugjz

02-10-2007, 09:02 PM

rose, i am can not express how horrible this sitiuation is.  i agree with kevin about sitting down with your other cousin and talk about a plan of action against this guy.  about the wake, you should just carry yourself with dignity and class and and just once make eye contact with this piece of shit and give a glare full of scorn.  if he has any ounce of a soul, he will feel horrible.  if you do have to make any other contact with him, stay strong and confident.  make him feel like you have the power because, "i know know what you did you sick fuck."  good luck tomorrow, and remember you have the support of everyone here on the board.

BoondockSaint

02-10-2007, 09:04 PM

When you say that the statute of limitations is approaching is that for you or your cousin?  Would your cousin or even the other girl be willing to testify?   I know a lot of victims would rather just let sleeping dogs sleep.  This is a terrible crime in my opinion and he should be punished.  My heart goes out to you.  If you ever need just someone anonymous to rant to PM me.

RoseBlood

02-10-2007, 09:08 PM

weekapaugjz wrote: rose, i am can not express how horrible this sitiuation is.  i agree with kevin about sitting down with your other cousin and talk about a plan of action against this guy.  about the wake, you should just carry yourself with dignity and class and and just once make eye contact with this piece of shit and give a glare full of scorn.  if he has any ounce of a soul, he will feel horrible.  if you do have to make any other contact with him, stay strong and confident.  make him feel like you have the power because, "i know know what you did you sick fuck."  good luck tomorrow, and remember you have the support of everyone here on the board. Thank you.. I do have a support system here. It just still hurts alittle when I think about my parents and brothers 'passivness' but I guess I'm guilty of behaving that way as well.. it just seems like the easier thing to do yanno. Luckily many of the people who will be there know the truth and that helps me. I am afraid that if I really, I mean really opened my mouth it could be very unsettling. I have nothing to loose because when something like this happens you loose half your family and friends anyway.. because everyone knows everyone. It's not like this is a man who can easily be villified. Everyone involved has had some sort of emotional link to either of us.

Recyclerz

02-10-2007, 09:08 PM

Wow, that's a big burden to be carrying.  I'm glad you let your pals here help you carry it.  Like Kevin and Narc said (and everybody else who will comment here will say) - you have no reason to feel guilt, although it is common reaction to the trauma you've experienced.  You are not responsible for the crimes this guy has commited.During one of those corporate volunteer days I remember hearing good things about this outfit in terms of providing support & counselling to survivors of this kind of assault.<a href="http://www.rainn.org/">http://www.rainn.org/</a> PS  If you need volunteers to show up with lime and shovels, Bennington-style just give the word.

weekapaugjz

02-10-2007, 09:13 PM

RoseBlood wrote: weekapaugjz wrote: rose, i am can not express how horrible this sitiuation is. i agree with kevin about sitting down with your other cousin and talk about a plan of action against this guy. about the wake, you should just carry yourself with dignity and class and and just once make eye contact with this piece of shit and give a glare full of scorn. if he has any ounce of a soul, he will feel horrible. if you do have to make any other contact with him, stay strong and confident. make him feel like you have the power because, "i know know what you did you sick fuck." good luck tomorrow, and remember you have the support of everyone here on the board. Thank you.. I do have a support system here. It just still hurts alittle when I think about my parents and brothers 'passivness' but I guess I'm guilty of behaving that way as well.. it just seems like the easier thing to do yanno. Luckily many of the people who will be there know the truth and that helps me. I am afraid that if I really, I mean really opened my mouth it could be very unsettling. I have nothing to loose because when something like this happens you loose half your family and friends anyway.. because everyone knows everyone. It's not like this is a man who can easily be villified. Everyone involved has had some sort of emotional link to either of us.if they were truly your "family and friends" they would be on your side.  if they didn't would you really want them in your life?  if people can not realize what a scumbag this guy really is, you should not associate your self with them.

Fat_Sunny

02-10-2007, 09:13 PM

Roseblood, There Are Some Major Travesties Here.  The First Is That You Feel Any Guilt Whatsoever.  You Were A VICTIM, Not The Perpetrator.  The Rapist Should Be Feeling The Guilt; Not YOU!  The Fact That You Feel Guilty Proves That You Are A Good And Feeling Person, While The Rapist Undoubtedly Feels No Guilt Because He Is Selfish And Evil.Second, You Feel Some Guilt Because You Did Not Tell Your Family What Happened At The Time, And You Believe That If You Had, It Would Have Prevented Other Acts By The Rapist.  That Is WRONG.  You Have Seen That Your Family Glossed Over It When You Finally Did Tell Them, And They Would Have Glossed Over It If You Had Told Them Earlier.  It Would Have Done Nothing To Prevent What He Did To Your Cousin And The Other Person.  HE DID IT...Not You!!!The Therapy Is A Great Idea And You Should Place Alot Of Credence In What Your Therapist Suggests You Should Do.You May Want To Avoid Him At The Wake; Go At A Time You Know He Will Not Be There.  If You Feel The Need To Confront Him, Do So At A Place And Time Of Your Choosing.  A Potential Confrontation At A Wake, Which Is Already An Emotionally Charged Situation,  Might Just Be Too Much For You To Bear.  If It Will Help You To Confront Him, By All Means Do It, But Do It At A Place And A Time Of Your Choosing.It Is So Sad And Terrible That You Feel Any Guilt At All.  You Have Been Abused By Him And Let Down By Your Family; Not The Other Way Around!

RoseBlood

02-10-2007, 09:15 PM

Recyclerz wrote: PS  If you need volunteers to show up with lime and shovels, Bennington-style just give the word. Thanks.. but I got it covered ala Casta!<img src="http://i136.photobucket.com/albums/q200/HappenstanceMe/Random/casta_taking_shot.jpg" border="0" width="195" height="316" />

RoseBlood

02-10-2007, 09:18 PM

weekapaugjz wrote: if they were truly your "family and friends" they would be on your side.  if they didn't would you really want them in your life?  if people can not realize what a scumbag this guy really is, you should not associate your self with them. I'm sorry I didn't make the situation clear. The people who are aware sometimes we avoid the topic like the plague and I don't blame anyone for that. It's understandable. The other 'friends' are people who don't know the scoop and I've just distanced myself from.

RoseBlood

02-10-2007, 09:22 PM

Fat_Sunny wrote: Roseblood, There Are Some Major Travesties Here.  The First Is That You Feel Any Guilt Whatsoever.  You Were A VICTIM, Not The Perpetrator.  The Rapist Should Be Feeling The Guilt; Not YOU!  The Fact That You Feel Guilty Proves That You Are A Good And Feeling Person, While The Rapist Undoubtedly Feels No Guilt Because He Is Selfish And Evil.Second, You Feel Some Guilt Because You Did Not Tell Your Family What Happened At The Time, And You Believe That If You Had, It Would Have Prevented Other Acts By The Rapist.  That Is WRONG.  You Have Seen That Your Family Glossed Over It When You Finally Did Tell Them, And They Would Have Glossed Over It If You Had Told Them Earlier.  It Would Have Done Nothing To Prevent What He Did To Your Cousin And The Other Person.  HE DID IT...Not You!!!The Therapy Is A Great Idea And You Should Place Alot Of Credence In What Your Therapist Suggests You Should Do.You May Want To Avoid Him At The Wake; Go At A Time You Know He Will Not Be There.  If You Feel The Need To Confront Him, Do So At A Place And Time Of Your Choosing.  A Potential Confrontation At A Wake, Which Is Already An Emotionally Charged Situation,  Might Just Be Too Much For You To Bear.  If It Will Help You To Confront Him, By All Means Do It, But Do It At A Place And A Time Of Your Choosing.It Is So Sad And Terrible That You Feel Any Guilt At All.  You Have Been Abused By Him And Let Down By Your Family; Not The Other Way Around!I know I can't change what anyone else says or feels but I can't give the closest people in my life any ultimatum so I'm learning to accept how they choose to handle the situation and themselves. I have no plans on any confrontation at this wake. I'm going because I want to pay my respects to a friend of the families mother. Why should I let him keep me from doing the right thing.

narc

02-10-2007, 09:22 PM

I wish they were more supportive of Rose. But the whole family issue complicates things - I don't know. I'm not prepared to judge anyone too harshly based on what I know except for the asshole rapist who should have his dick cut off. Or not come home from the wake with feet. Or ideally, be in jail because we all know that the prison population LOVES sex offenders.

360legend

02-10-2007, 09:26 PM

I'll offer whatever support I can. I don't know what you're feeling right now, but I'd like to help somehow. Check my profile for the IM stuff.

RoseBlood

02-10-2007, 09:44 PM

narc wrote: I wish they were more supportive of Rose. But the whole family issue complicates things - I don't know. I'm not prepared to judge anyone too harshly based on what I know except for the asshole rapist who should have his dick cut off. Or not come home from the wake with feet. Or ideally, be in jail because we all know that the prison population LOVES sex offenders. The amazing thing is Narc is that he's shameless. You'd think he'd be hiding his face. You'd think he was the one afraid to come out.

RoseBlood

02-10-2007, 09:44 PM

360legend wrote: I'll offer whatever support I can. I don't know what you're feeling right now, but I'd like to help somehow. Check my profile for the IM stuff. Thank you but I politely decline IM stuff.

narc

02-10-2007, 09:57 PM

RoseBlood wrote: narc wrote: I wish they were more supportive of Rose. But the whole family issue complicates things - I don't know. I'm not prepared to judge anyone too harshly based on what I know except for the asshole rapist who should have his dick cut off. Or not come home from the wake with feet. Or ideally, be in jail because we all know that the prison population LOVES sex offenders. The amazing thing is Narc is that he's shameless. You'd think he'd be hiding his face. You'd think he was the one afraid to come out. That goes along with the whole sex offender MO thing. They rarely think they're doing anything wrong and will justify it along the lines of love or some sort of twisted form of consent. Occasionally, they'll also do it out of hate and those are the real sick fucks. But that's part of the reason pedophiles can be so good at getting people to trust them - they so earnestly believe that they're not doing anything wrong and they're able to convey that sense of "it's all okay" to their victims.

Yerdaddy

02-10-2007, 10:08 PM

Roseblood, I'm guessing your counsellor has been suggesting you go to a rape-counselling center like the one recyclerz linked to, or he/she is a specialist in this field? If so I'm going to just agree with that advice. Nobody should ever be in your situation and I'm furious that it happened to you and the others. I want the guy dead, but it's never that simple is it? In fact that's the point: what happened to you and is happening now just complicates everything else until you've done the work to learn to live with everything in your life that's connected to it, which is everything. It's too complicated for you to go through alone or with simple counselling. I've had too many friends and relatives who've gone through the same thing and nobody's really recovered until they've finally found help from people who've been through it. Those are the experts. They're the only ones you can and should trust. How could anyone who hasn't been through it understand shit about what you're going through? And how could an institution created and run by survivors like you be anything but a collection of the best answers to same questions you have now and on into the future? I would find them and make them a part of your life so you don't have to ask the amatures like us. It took alot of strength to post this here. I just hope you've got better resources than us. I wish you all the happiness in the world. I hope you find recovery and peace someday.

RoseBlood

08-03-2008, 07:36 PM

so sorry for bumping an old thread but i didn't see the need to start a new one. Firstly, let me say I'm not looking for answers or sympathy.. I just feel like venting right now.

So I had to go to a wake today in beautiful Staten Island. Now, it's bad enough having to go to a wake in SI but I get there and see Sal's family sitting across from me as I walk in the doors. I just sank inside and immediately wanted to walk away but I didn't and sorta couldn't. Sal wasn't there (not that it would've made anymore difference or frustrated and hurt me anymore). I think I honestly could've handled seeing them had I been prepared. This was a complete shock to me and I was pissed and hurt but trying to contain myself because I was there for a family friends wake and obviously it wouldn't have been appropriate to make a scene. I think I was more upset by the shock and I immediately was upset with my parents. Maybe it's misplaced anger or whatever but I felt like I should've been warned or something, even though my parents claim they didn't know. I don't know, maybe I'm being dramatic, even though I don't think I am and no one has told me I am but it just sucks when you can't even comfort your friend because you run off to the bathroom wanting to cry and they have no idea why. I didn't cry and hung in there but I collapsed when I got home. At anyrate they left soon after I arrived and I was better after that and able to be my normal happy self. So again, I just wanted to vent..

P.S. Staten Island jokes are encouraged and welcome here :wink:

donnie_darko

08-03-2008, 08:17 PM

you have to wonder how many women have stories like this, and how under reported these things truly are.

jonyrotn

08-03-2008, 08:17 PM

I just read your thread for the first time and all I can say is, you make me extreamly proud to be a member of RF.net..You handled this entire thing like a lady..
Excelent job! And as for today, you were there to mourn.. Never, ever let anyone ruin that for you.. Only because that's your last and only chance to say goodbye..
You've already been through more then any women should have to endure in an entire lifetime, you really are Super-Gurl..Godspeed young Roseblood, you're gonna need his help to get the stench of Staten Island out of your hair..

CofyCrakCocaine

08-03-2008, 09:55 PM

I cannot write what ought to be said better than what everyone else has already done in this thread. Anything I have to say is ogrish and naive in comparison. I wish I could properly articulate just how much this community supports and cares for your well-being. Since I cannot do that justice, I will just have to resort to these tired overused words... we all love ya Rose, and obviously this community is there for you, believes in you, and is willing to help at least as much as a messageboard can do such things.

A friend of mine met an old Nazi once...he too was shameless...no regrets. Incomprehensible, but it exists. Do not worry or regret. They'll meet their day in Hell.

Anyway. As has already been said, you have endured a great deal...and to me it is exceptional how strong you are. It is something to be admired. Never feel guilt that is undue... and regardless of what you think, trust me when I say that there is no guilt deserving to rest upon your shoulders as far as this whole thing is concerned. I am sorry if I am being overly sentimental or too serious. As stated before... good words do not come easy.

I'd write more but suddenly I need to run into the little boy's room and make a Staten Island. :flush:

Sue_Bender

08-03-2008, 10:09 PM

You're an inspiration!

Kevin

08-03-2008, 10:13 PM

It was a tough thing, but handled well..