I am numb. [Archive] - RonFez.net Messageboard

AngelAmy

02-26-2007, 07:46 AM

On saturday I found out that my brother got arrested and is now in jail.  He can't have in person visitors for 2 weeks.  His bail is set at 75K.  Even if I could visit I don't even know if I am strong enough to go without breaking down.  It's kind of irionic that The Fray's How to Save a Life is playing as I write this because he really does need saving.  Just last month he went to court for the same offense and got off with a fine and no jail time.  I thought he'd try to fix himself but there is obviously something wrong.  He needs more than himself to help him but he wont let anyone.  Me and my brother used to be really close when we were younger.  We stuck together, did everything together, tortured my other brother together, wandered around highland park together, got into trouble together, had the best laughs together.  Ever since about 2000 or so he was never himself again.  He wound up dropping out of high school and my mom eventually kicked him out of our house.  He's been living with friends, living with my dad, living god knows where with god knows who.  People don't know what to say when I tell them...honestly I still don't know how to react.  I cried once on Saturday about it and since then I am just numb.  I don't have many details about the whole thing right now so I am hoping there wont be too much jail time ahead of him.  I dunno what else to say, I just want my brother back.  In two days is his 21st birthday...I wish I could save him.<img src="http://pic20.picturetrail.com/VOL242/894679/12441599/182867325.jpg" border="0" width="499" height="400" />

Dougie Brootal

02-26-2007, 07:51 AM

im sorry to hear that. bad luck around the board today. i hope it works out for your brother and i hope you feel better!

ChimneyFish

02-26-2007, 07:56 AM

Very sorry to hear about this, AA.From the looks of it, sounds like he's in a bit over his head.What exactly was he arrested for????(I don't mean to pry, just asking)

AngelAmy

02-26-2007, 07:59 AM

ChimneyFish wrote: Very sorry to hear about this, AA.From the looks of it, sounds like he's in a bit over his head.What exactly was he arrested for????(I don't mean to pry, just asking)burglary...thats all i know, i don't know exactly what or where or anything.

ShelleBink

02-26-2007, 08:14 AM

You know you got people to turn to if you need it dude... anytime.

Jujubees2

02-26-2007, 08:16 AM

AA, you can't save him until he wants to be saved himself.  All you can do is be there for him and let him know that you support him.  Maybe, at this point, jail is the best for him.  Maybe he can get the help he needs there. I had a brother-in-law who lived with us for two years who is an alcoholic.  He stole money out of my kids piggy banks to go drinking.  My wife was very much in the same situation and all she could do is be there and try to steer him in the right direction.  He finally joined AA and seems to be headed in the right direction now.

ChimneyFish

02-26-2007, 08:56 AM

Site was down for awhile(at least for me)Is there a reason he was doing this(some sort of addiction or something)???? Or is just in with some bad people????

AngelAmy

02-26-2007, 09:03 AM

ChimneyFish wrote: Site was down for awhile(at least for me)Is there a reason he was doing this(some sort of addiction or something)???? Or is just in with some bad people????I think it's probably a little bit of both he definately changed because of the people who he became friends with when we moved here in 98.....there are friends he has who are just bad for him.  and im pretty sure he has a drug problem, definately a drinking problem, hes told me before bout the drinking.  how if he has one drink he cant stop.

LilLibra

02-26-2007, 09:15 AM

I'm sorry about what's going on in your family Amy. I'm sure it's hard right now but you have to be strong. If not for yourself, for your brother. He needs support as much as he does help.

Reephdweller

02-26-2007, 09:15 AM

I'm praying that everything works out for him.

ChimneyFish

02-26-2007, 09:15 AM

Sorry to hear that. Hopefully the jail time isn't real bad, and this serves as a wakeup call. Some times all it takes is one event to kick your ass into sobering up. Maybe he can get some help while he's in there. Across the street from me, I have the county prison and a rehab center. A lot of the prisoners get reduced sentences for going to treatment.

narc

02-26-2007, 10:28 AM

Burglary usually is tied in with drugs these days. But if he's only 20, they're really unlikely to go hard on him, and they're much more likely to try to get him some help.I don't know about other resources your family might have but prosecutors are more likely to strike deals if he's seeing someone privately as well.

johnniewalker

02-26-2007, 04:26 PM

I guess i can echo jujubees' comment, b/c i never really knew what to do in the situation either.  I was in the same situation about two years ago.  My brother slept overnight at some people's house and two of his friends had been taking sleeping pills and some other things.  The two friends said goodnight and when he woke up in the morning both were dead.  The police of course figured out he was there and both of the kids were serious dealers and several thousand in cash was found in a safe.  Detectives  questioned him and i kinda felt the same way b/c i knew he was dealing with these guys, i just felt helpless to stop him.  I kinda thought that would scare him, but to shorten the story he continued dealing and was into coke and eventually overdosed and died of heart problems.  That was 1 and a half ago, and I still wish i could have helped out more and knew more of what was going on.  I could have talken more with his friends and figured it out, but i kind of put the responsibility on him to figure it out.  Maybe this is the opposite of what other people's advice is, but i think you should do what you can to try and help him. I don't mean coddle him, but be forceful in your criticisms b/c i think that siblings carry much more weight in terms of what people will listen to.  What changed with me was the idea that personal responsibilty was the end all, and that i could somehow feel less guilt because it was his actions and that i probably couldn't change them.  I don't think that is entirely true anymore and honestly think that you do have a place in his recovery.   There is nothing like a sibling and it's terrible that you have to go through this, i hope for the best.

AngelAmy

02-26-2007, 04:37 PM

johnniewalker wrote: I guess i can echo jujubees' comment, b/c i never really knew what to do in the situation either.  I was in the same situation about two years ago.  My brother slept overnight at some people's house and two of his friends had been taking sleeping pills and some other things.  The two friends said goodnight and when he woke up in the morning both were dead.  The police of course figured out he was there and both of the kids were serious dealers and several thousand in cash was found in a safe.  Detectives  questioned him and i kinda felt the same way b/c i knew he was dealing with these guys, i just felt helpless to stop him.  I kinda thought that would scare him, but to shorten the story he continued dealing and was into coke and eventually overdosed and died of heart problems.  That was 1 and a half ago, and I still wish i could have helped out more and knew more of what was going on.  I could have talken more with his friends and figured it out, but i kind of put the responsibility on him to figure it out.  Maybe this is the opposite of what other people's advice is, but i think you should do what you can to try and help him. I don't mean coddle him, but be forceful in your criticisms b/c i think that siblings carry much more weight in terms of what people will listen to.  What changed with me was the idea that personal responsibilty was the end all, and that i could somehow feel less guilt because it was his actions and that i probably couldn't change them.  I don't think that is entirely true anymore and honestly think that you do have a place in his recovery.   There is nothing like a sibling and it's terrible that you have to go through this, i hope for the best.  Every time i get a call from my mom or i see that they are awake when i get home from work (i work nights) i fear that they are going to tell me that he's dead....it's the worst feeling ever.  i try to reach out to him when i can but he just shuts himself in.  i havent really had a serious talk with him or even tried because i am scared im going to lose him.  like myself he gets really defensive about everything.  in 2 weeks i can in person visit, maybe i'll try to go on my own and have a serious talk...i reached out once, i offered to take him out to lunch or to be there if he needed to talk and he didnt say much of anything in return.

sr71blackbird

02-26-2007, 06:41 PM

He needs to know he's loved and then get put into therapy as soon as he gets out of jail to detoxify himself

fluffernutter

02-26-2007, 06:50 PM

Damn Amy. I wish for nothing but the best for him and that things work out. Thoughts and prayers are with you.

Justice4all

02-26-2007, 06:55 PM

The worst thing about it all is no matter what your brother says, for a long time you will not believe him because you will think he says anything to get out of/keep out of trouble. It is a difficult sitiation you are in Amy. I feel for you also. I know people like that and they can only help themselves., Nothing you can do will get thru to him.It sounds like he MIGHT be an addict because this sounds like the typical reaction/actions of an addict. Deny yourself help until it is almost too late. Stay strong for your family and yourself. It is a very hard road that you will be on for a very long time.I know you have a good man at your side who will help you through all this. I wish you all the best of luck in the world Amy. You are a good person and I hope you and your family gets through all this ok.

BoondockSaint

02-26-2007, 07:07 PM

I have an older brother who was like my idol when I was a kid.  Well, when he got older he got into some shit with bad people, drugs and stuff.  He was always calling me in the middle of the night to come bail him out, or pick him up at the emegency room, or to borrow money  He was always lying to me and what pissed me off even more was that he was driving my parents and my aunt crazy.  He showed abosolutely no remorse for putting them through hell.  I ran the whole range of emotions with him, from sympathy to rage.  It got to the point where I didn't speak to him for about 2 years.  My family wouldn't even talk about him when I was around because I didn't want to hear shit about him.  Well, he finally got into a program at the VA hospitol in the Bronx and our relationship has been getting better.  We talk and joke around and stuff now but I still get a chill when I see it's him on my caller ID because for so many years he would only call me when he needed something from me.  But for the past 2 and a half years he's been good.  I guess what I'm trying to say Amy is that hopefully it's just a phase of his life that he will recover from.

AngelAmy

02-26-2007, 07:17 PM

what sucks is that i thought he was getting better, it has been about 3-4 years that he hadnt been to any family things since he got kicked out.  he wouldnt even speak to my mom.  last year he started talking to her, coming over, going out to dinner with her, and even went to a few family things...there are a few things he bailed out on and the others where id go to pick him up for them hed be not even dressed and totally forgot about it.  i know hes been having sleeping problems...i dunno, i just thought things were getting better.

FUNKMAN

02-26-2007, 08:13 PM

Sorry to hear about your brother Amy. Hopefully some time in jail will sober him up a bit. Maybe they can get him into a program if he has any addictions. When you are with him be honest with him about your feelings. Don't worry about breaking down, let it out!  44FFE

AngelAmy

02-27-2007, 06:36 PM

The words haven't even come out of my mouth yet.  I have not actually spoken the words to anyone that he is in jail.  I can't bring myself to say them, I can't even think about saying them or visualize in my head how I will say them.I walk around work numb and wanting so badly to tell someone but I just can't do it.  Not only do I not want to say those words but I just don't want to have to keep answering questions people have because I honestly have no information.  I just want to avoid it but I always think about it...about what's going on in there, what he's doing in there....I wonder if he's making any friends and praying he doesn't make any enemies.  I don't know how long he will be in there or when I can actually visit if he even puts my name on the visitors list, and if he does will I want to go?  I wont be able to keep from crying.  I can't even think about that stupid fray song without tears coming down my cheaks. I just don't really wanna talk about it with anyone through my voice, it's just too painful.

Chigworthy

03-05-2007, 05:06 PM

All I can offer is what I said in the other jail thread.  Keep visiting him when you finally can and keep money on his books.  Send him books and music via Amazon.  Learn as much as you can about the charges and case law so you can make sure he's got good legal representation.

AngelAmy

03-08-2007, 09:56 AM

i just got a email from my mom with a little more information.i'll just paste a few lines "The charge is 3rd degree burglary.  His case won’t be heard for about  4 – 6 weeks in superior court.""He doesn’t want visitors. He is so miserable saying that he doesn’t want to “suck anyone else into the hell I feel ALWAYS” and he wants a normal life and doesn’t think he will ever have one.He says to “tell everyone I love them and I’m sorry for putting them through this”.     from the way she explained what happened it doesnt seem like it's his fault but we will see what happens.

ralphbxny

03-08-2007, 10:17 AM

Amy hang in there. I have had my share of family in trouble and its never easy. Head up and when he is ready he will reach out.

AngelAmy

03-08-2007, 10:43 AM

im at work right now and im trying not to break down but i cant seem to be able to hold the tears back right now.

ralphbxny

03-08-2007, 01:35 PM

Its ok woman...the buddays will make ya forget for another 3 hours and then you can always see our dirty talk threads....then picture gvac saying things like...you like that dont you....EWWWW I just grossed my self out.

AngelAmy

03-26-2007, 10:57 AM

today was my brother's court date

my mom said they lowered his bail to 40k from 75K
and its going to go to a grand jury and theyre going to try to file for something called pti
http://www.judiciary.state.nj.us/criminal/crpti.htm

my mom also said his friend (who my brother's been in trouble ever since he's been friend with) is involved but he is out on bail and has a lawyer so he's standing there in his spiffy suit and lawyer and my brother is handcuffed.

if i remember the convo from like two seconds ago she said the grand jury thing is in like 2 weeks.

i cant even really talk about it in words, i think she was thinking i was going to say something back but i just dont know what to say and frankly i really dont want to say anything. i am sure this is hard on her and i could tell she had been crying but i am just not strong enough to be there for anyone, including myself.

nate1000

03-26-2007, 11:50 AM

Things never turn out as bleakly as they seem they might. At the end of the day remember your brother is still alive and (relatively) safe. Sounds like he's going through a rough couple of years, but he'll turn the corner, eventually. Some people just need the piss and vinegar pounded out of them before they figure it out. He's got a big steaming pile of shit plated up for him. Let him eat it and maybe he'll figure out that it doesn't taste that good. This could turn out to be the best thing that could have happened- burglaries go sideways all the time, an arrest is significantly less severe than other possible endings.

BTW- if this PTI thing works out for him, it sounds like he'll avoid a conviction and get a chance (via three years of probation) to straighten his life out. Keep your chin up.

AngelAmy

03-26-2007, 12:16 PM

I know that things may turn out ok for him
I know that he could get better
I know that maybe this is the thing that will help him turn his life around
I know that this is still not the end

I get all that

It breaks my heart to think of my brother in handcuffs
It breaks my heart to think of him in a jail cell.
It breaks my heart to think that there is nothing I can do to help him

So I appreciate people saying that it can still turn out ok but to have a loved one in that situation to begin with is horrible enough.

I do hope that when he gets out he gets the right help he needs and he stops hanging out with that certain friend because I really do miss having him around.

PapaBear

03-26-2007, 12:24 PM

Your brother is very lucky to have a sister like you. As hard as this sounds, be careful not to let him see how worried you are, during his appearances. As someone who has been in his situation, I can tell you... It's very hard to see the pain and worry in the faces of your loved ones. I both you and your brother the best of luck.

ralphbxny

03-26-2007, 12:53 PM

Your brother is very lucky to have a sister like you. As hard as this sounds, be careful not to let him see how worried you are, during his appearances. As someone who has been in his situation, I can tell you... It's very hard to see the pain and worry in the faces of your loved ones. I both you and your brother the best of luck.

Ageed. Hang in is being overused, but its all we can say!!

Friday

03-26-2007, 03:53 PM

I hope this whole horrible experience redirects his life away from this friend. We all make our OWN decisions, but some people are very influential and others are influenced... its the way things are.
I hope being in such a bad place will force him to find his own strength.

Amy... you are a strong chick. And a good person. He is indeed lucky to have you.

Friday

03-26-2007, 03:56 PM

grrr new board

Friday

03-26-2007, 03:58 PM

....sorry for the dupes this board hates me

drusilla

03-26-2007, 06:03 PM

hey amy, i just came across this thread now & i wanted to let you know that i am always here for you if you need anything, even if it's just for someone to listen to you vent. i hope everything works out.

Bulldogcakes

03-28-2007, 04:13 PM

So sorry to hear that Amy. If this is weighing heavily on your mind (as it sounds like it is) I'd suggest you go see him. Even if you break down and cry, its better than just sitting around worrying 24/7. It may help him as well.

AngelAmy

04-01-2007, 10:38 AM

My mom gave me copies of the letters he's been sending so I am thinking of sending him a letter. That's about it for right now. It seems like he is in absolute hell and he's been working out a lot. He had one friend in there but he got out the other day so now he feels alone.

Just writing an update.

PapaBear

04-01-2007, 10:41 AM

Getting letters in jail is very very good.

undressa

04-01-2007, 10:48 AM

good luck Amy, your family is in my prayers!

Contra

04-03-2007, 09:32 AM

I'm so sorry to see that your brother is going through some serious shit. I wish him luck. I think writing a letter is a good start that might help him open up to you.

AngelAmy

05-21-2007, 07:36 AM

well its been a while since ive updated

today my brother had a hearing to try to reduce the charges from 3rd degree burglary to criminal tresspassing with time served so thats what they got dropped to.........his sentancing hearing wont be until august 10th so he'll still have to be in jail until then.

reillyluck

05-21-2007, 07:40 AM

well its been a while since ive updated

today my brother had a hearing to try to reduce the charges from 3rd degree burglary to criminal tresspassing with time served so thats what they got dropped to.........his sentancing hearing wont be until august 10th so he'll still have to be in jail until then.

i hope it turns out for the best, Amy. I completely understand what your going through. my brother isnt the greatest with obeying the law, so i know how frustrating this must be for you. Im here for you if you need me.

AngelAmy

08-08-2007, 08:05 AM

Just an update

My brother got out of jail yesterday. Hes gonna be on probation for something like 16 months...I took him over to the building today so we got to talk for a few minutes. It was nice seeing him again.

It kinda pissed me off when he said he tried calling his friend (the one who keeps getting him into all this trouble) but it's his life.

topless_mike

08-08-2007, 12:54 PM

amy,
if your bro doesnt want to help himself, there is nothing you can do for him.

my bro just got his 2nd dwi w/ poesession.
with luck, he avoided jail time.
we think that this was the wake up call he needed.

in a small way, i was hoping he would have to serve for like, 2 days in county.
maybe that would have given him the kick in the ass to clean himself up.

but the good news is that your bro is out and can start his life over again.
do not be afraid to voice your opinion over his choices. remind him that alot of the garbage was probably a result of him being friends with that certain party.

reillyluck

08-08-2007, 01:13 PM

amy,
if your bro doesnt want to help himself, there is nothing you can do for him.

my bro just got his 2nd dwi w/ poesession.
with luck, he avoided jail time.
we think that this was the wake up call he needed.

in a small way, i was hoping he would have to serve for like, 2 days in county.
maybe that would have given him the kick in the ass to clean himself up.

but the good news is that your bro is out and can start his life over again.
do not be afraid to voice your opinion over his choices. remind him that alot of the garbage was probably a result of him being friends with that certain party.

agreed!!! Mike...my brother is going through the SAME shit right now, similiar to yours...only mine has 4. uggh!!!! again...his little sister had to help him out of a jam ONCE again.

Amy....you truly are an "angel" for helping him out. Believe me. Its not fair that us as siblings have to suffer.

i told my brother last week when i was helping him:

"this is the last time im helping you. I have my own problems to deal with. Why is it that you can live life the easy way and i have to work hard and be honest yet, suffer from your problems?"

its not fair.

sr71blackbird

08-08-2007, 01:29 PM

I have a friend who was urging me to see a psychiatrist because of the anxiety and depression I was in. I got help and it has been good, but a little rocky at time. My friend suggested I ask the Dr about bi-polar disorders, because she noticed that I can get highs and lows in my moods, and we argue a lot. The Dr described what bi-polar is and he does not think I have it, but what he did describe sounds a bit like what your brother might have: Burning all your bridges behind you and isolating yourself from your family and the people who love you are symptoms.
Getting into serious trouble, wether legally or financially is a symptom too.

The Dr described periods of highs and lows that last for months. (My friend was concerned because my swings were there, but the Dr dismissed them because they were very short, lasting minutes or an hour)

Does any of this sound like your brother?
There is free help available.

<3 Joe
----------------------------------------------------

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NAMI New Jersey
1562 Route 130
North Brunswick, NJ 08902
Phone: 732-940-0991
Fax: 732-940-0355
E-mail: aminj@sprynet.com
Internet: www.nami.org/naminj
(www.nami.org/naminj)
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For more information about admission, care, treatment, release, and patient follow-up in public or private psychiatric residential facilities, contact your State mental health agency:

Division of Mental Health Services
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Trenton, NJ 08625-0727
Phone: 609-777-0702
Fax: 609-777-0662

citymedic27

08-09-2007, 11:23 AM

i just got a email from my mom with a little more information.i'll just paste a few lines "The charge is 3rd degree burglary.  His case won’t be heard for about  4 – 6 weeks in superior court.""He doesn’t want visitors. He is so miserable saying that he doesn’t want to “suck anyone else into the hell I feel ALWAYS” and he wants a normal life and doesn’t think he will ever have one.He says to “tell everyone I love them and I’m sorry for putting them through this”.     from the way she explained what happened it doesnt seem like it's his fault but we will see what happens.

Im sorry to hear about your brother. My dad is an addict, drugs and drinking. He lives in a shitty wet shelter that serves hot dogs and beans 3 times a day. Its a horrible place, but he put himself there, not me, or my mom or brother. He had no self control, and let all the crap take over his life, and now he has nothing. The key is that HE did it to himself. Its a natural feeling to want to jump to his aid, and keep him clear from jail, but any more than that and you could be enabling his behavior much like his friend does and will continue to do unless you can convince him not to hang around with him and that group of friends anymore, which will be very difficult. Im not trying to be a jerk, Im just trying to be honest.

now...about the charges.....if I remember from college, they can tack on time for all sorts of varibles with burgluary...day or nite, mask or not, and if he used a weapon like a knife or a gun. All these variables may add on time to his sentence. It depends on the state, and whether they have a mantdatory minium (sentence) for certain offenses.

after reading back a bit, it seems to be working its way through the system. Criminal tresspassing is prob a misderminor (sp) charge instead of a felony for the buglary. I hope all goes well.

best of luck.....get him into a program ASAP!

Leticia

08-10-2007, 10:43 AM

I'm glad he's out of jail. But I'm really sorry for all of the trouble he's cause himself and you.

Definitely tell him how you feel. Otherwise it'll be easier for him to convince himself that he can start hanging out with his old friends without getting into trouble.

But it is his life. And he'll just end up doing what he wants to do in the end. All you can do is make it clear how you feel about his choices and they affect you and your family.

AngelAmy

08-27-2007, 07:24 AM

Today i brought the bro to get community service assigned and this was a longer drive than last one so we actually got to talk.........it was goood.....hes definately starting to become the old brother i knew when he still lived here. i hope he can stay on this path. we got to laugh and talk and just.....it was great.

making fun of parents is always a good bonding point hehehee

Don Stugots

08-27-2007, 07:26 AM

i love making fun of parents.

Justice4all

08-27-2007, 11:30 AM

i love making fun of parents.
Well when you are Italian....it comes with the territory!