Realizing your not who you thought you were

[keithy_19]

<p>For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to be a writer. My main goal in life was to be published and to be able to support myself from my writing. That I know is a very daunting task, and it is so difficult for a freelance ficition writer to make a living. With that being said, however, I was sure that I would be able to do it. </p><p>I wrote all through out high school to tone my skills. I show several teachers to get a varied opinion of my work. I got into a school in connecticut and was set to major in english with a focus on creative writing. I was set to live out my dream. </p><p>For several reasons I elected not to go to the school in connecticut. I don't regret the decision by the way. But I am now currently not attending college (I put in a smester at a county college which made me hate myself more than I already do) and I'm working a part time job at a department store. </p><p>I decided that with all this free time that I had, I should probably start to write a lot more than I had been. So I tried to follow through. I wrote, erased, wrote, erased, wrote, erased...Every damn word that went onto the paper was absolute garbage. It was like I had lost all talent that I had. I'm trying so hard to get it back. People used to always tell me how good my stuff was. Now I can't write anything close to being worth someones time. </p><p>So I started thinking that maybe I'm not destined to be a writer afterall. A thought that crushes me in so many regards. But, if I am not meant to be a writer, meant to be something I was so sure of, than where do I turn? I feel compeltely lost. I hate the feelings I've been having lately. I'm in a total state of numbness. Everynight UI falla sleep from some form of medicine because I can't find sleep on my own. I have to do a shot everynight for my disease, and I've started emptying the syringe and discarding it without having it touch me. I go on binges where I can't eat, to times when I'm eating nons top. I can't get myself out of bed in the morning and I have nod esire to go meet anyone, not even the ones I love. </p><p>I've been telling myself it will get better. That I'm going through a funk. That I'm at that age where the real world is hitting me in the face and I'm just trying to cope with that. But it's not getting better. I've been feeling this way for awhile and I can't shake it. </p><p>I can't talk to anyone about getting help though, because I'm always smiling with others. As if I can't let my sadness damper someone elses day. It wouldn't be right to potentially ruin someones day with my own stupid, bullshit problems. </p><p>This&nbsp;post went on really long. I'm sure I've repeated myself several times. If you read it all, thanks. I just needed to vent. &nbsp;</p>

[tooshy]

Keithy...I don't know you at all....but it sounds like you have guts to do what you want to do.....go for it!

[keithy_19]

Thanks...I guess.

[ralphbxny]

I understand...I am having one of those moments now. I realized I need to work at it. If you dont youll hate yourself. freakin dont worry. Do your think. Write shit and put something together. We will help ya proof read.

[patsopinion]

<p>the more you write the better youll get</p><p>you gotta get back into it somehow and being shitty and knowing its shitty is part of the game</p><p>just finish one and redevelop your voice</p><p>the harder and longer you write for, the better off you'll be</p><p>stop deleting and complete a coulpe of shitty ones just to reorient your writing and go from there.</p><p>i didnt read the second half of your post so feel free to ignore this&nbsp;</p>

[Don Stugots]

<strong>ralphbxny</strong> wrote:<br />I understand...I am having one of those moments now. I realized I need to work at it. If you dont youll hate yourself. freakin dont worry. Do your think. Write shit and put something together. We will help ya proof read.<p>&nbsp;i agree with Ralph.&nbsp; i never got into radio and i hated myself for it for a long time.&nbsp; i always thought &quot;what if...&quot;&nbsp; you should do it and be the best writer you can be in.&nbsp; we are all here to support you.&nbsp; </p>

[blackiehugehand]

Its an almost unbelievable feeling, I understand completely. I thought i was meant to be in music. I was always obsessed with it growing up, but I&nbsp;didn't know which path to take&nbsp;until lo and behold, one day in 2001, a new roomate moved into my apartment that was a certified musical and recording GENIUS. The boy could write and record songs like I didn't think was possible. Being a DJ and a backround vocalist, we formed an electronic rock band and started searching for members to fill out the line up. Within 6 months we had a monster drummer and a bassist with stage presence you wouldn't believe. We started shipping out press kits and the response was overwhelming and immediate. We got calls from as far away as the UK. We signed a managment deal with the company that had acts like the band Disturbed among others.&nbsp; &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; We moved to Chicago and began working our asses off in the local scene, building a strong following and fanbase, and started showcasing for labels. Long story short, one of the other bands on my management roster needed a new guitarist. Our resident genius decided to fill in for the job. Before long he was writing songs for the other band. The other band started to recieve lots of attention from our guy, and after 4 years of hard work, the other band signed a record deal with a major label, and our band was disbanded. They decided to fire their drummer and take ours. it's been about a year and a half now, and the other band is flying high. Playing shows all over the world. Constant touring. Flying to LA to make a record. On MTV every day. Debut album comes out in 2 weeks nationwide. I moved back home to jersey and I am pulling wires through walls for a living. Its brutal. Although I am still very close with my former bandmates, and I love them very much and am so so happy for them, I feel very despondent and hopeless. Without the dream I can barely function. I stopped dating. I stopped socializing. I'm depressed and suicidal.&nbsp;I'm not giving up yet, but its really hard to realize that I'm just an average guy with an average job. I hope someday you get your spark back..........&nbsp;Thank you for sharing your story because I feel less alone.

[Wallower]

Don't expect it to be perfect on the first draft. Hell, don't expect it to be perfect ever. David Lynch still can't stand his movie Dune, but I think it's a masterpiece. Just keep working and put it out there. You'll find your niche eventually.

[sailor]

<strong>Wallower</strong> wrote:<br />Don't expect it to be perfect on the first draft. Hell, don't expect it to be perfect ever. David Lynch still can't stand his movie Dune, but I think it's a masterpiece. Just keep working and put it out there. You'll find your niche eventually.<p>&nbsp;<font size="2">dune rocked the d-sippers!<br /></font></p>

[Gvac]

<p>Keithy, it's not that you're not <strong><em>who </em></strong>you thought you were, but rather you're not going to do what you thought you'd be doing for a living.&nbsp; That doesn't define who you are at all.&nbsp; And besides, you're still a kid...don't give up your dream that easily!</p><p>I've always thought it was absolute insanity that we ask 17 and 18 year olds to try to figure out what they want to do with their lives.&nbsp; Hell, I'm a lot older than that and I still don't know what I'll wind up doing with my life! &nbsp; </p><p>Don't get so down on youself...if there's one thing you've got, it's time.&nbsp; Relax, and once you stop applying so much pressure you'll probably find your creative juices will begin flowing once again. &nbsp;&nbsp;</p>

[Sleeves]

<p>Hey Keithy...I'll share my experience as a &quot;writer&quot; and as a person.&nbsp;</p><p>I started writing when I was 14.&nbsp; I became more and more intense about it through college.&nbsp; I began to drink very very heavily.&nbsp; My life from 21 to 31 was writing, drinking, playing music, and (weirdly) running.&nbsp; I was always a runner...that was like the thing I did that was healthy. </p><p>Anyway, that decade from 21 to 31 was a pretty dark steep hill.&nbsp; I was angry and bitter cause I could see that I just wasn't gonna make it as a writer or as a music person. I didn't know what to do, but I was incredibly depressed...partly cause of the drinking, partly cause of what seemed like the &quot;failure of my identity&quot;.&nbsp; I could just see that it wasn't gonna pan out. </p><p>I could feel that I was moving toward a really bleak spot and that if I didn't stop myself, that I'd just go off into my own Jeni type shower...so I stopped drinking.&nbsp; I'd tried a lot of times, but it finally took.&nbsp; I was probably 32...I don't remember exactly when this was.&nbsp; &nbsp;</p><p>Maybe 3 or 4 months after I stopped drinking, I stopped writing.&nbsp; That felt really good just to stop.&nbsp; Shortly after that, i stopped running.&nbsp; And then I stopped making up songs. </p><p>Then this really weird period of pretty happy nothingness followed.&nbsp; I wasn't a drunk, a writer, a musician, or a runner - the four ways I saw myself.&nbsp; After a time, when I was able to clearly feel how peaceful I'd become, how content, I was really happy that I'd gotten away from them. It was like I was driving myself crazy with these roles... </p><p>I wondered if I'd ever write again.&nbsp; I didn't think so.&nbsp; Too much of my ego was tied up in it - it was too important to me that I be great at it.&nbsp; I didn't think my relationship to writing could ever shift. </p><p>At any rate...about a year ago, I started writing again.&nbsp; I didn't even think of it as writing...I just wanted to put together some music with some stories that had been creaking around my brain.&nbsp; I started putting out episodes of &quot;atoms, motion and the void&quot; and I was really excited because it felt so good.&nbsp;&nbsp; I liked what I was making.&nbsp; I enjoyed the process. The writing part didn't feel like writing.&nbsp; It felt like a structural thing - like I need to write the story so I'd have something to read.&nbsp; It was really the bigger picture that I was after - laying down music and then recording the audio in a kind of theatrical way.&nbsp; I think I realized I had started writing again maybe 3 or 4 months into the whole thing. </p><p>Wow...long.&nbsp;&nbsp;</p><p>I am not a &quot;writer&quot; in the way I used to think of myself, although my writing is now a lot better.&nbsp; I don't think of myself as a writer. &nbsp;</p><p>I started doing music again about 5 months ago maybe.&nbsp; </p><p>I don't think I'll ever make money writing or doing music.&nbsp; But I love to do these things now.&nbsp;&nbsp;</p><p>If I had had success when I was younger, I think I'd be a pretty f'd up guy now.&nbsp; I can't even imagine. </p><p>But one of the most important things I learned is what you're going through right now.&nbsp; It's very painful but it's incredibly important to learn - to realize - that you are not who you think you are.</p>

[JPMNICK]

<p>sleeves great post!</p><p>&nbsp;</p><p>Keithy, at your age you really have no clue who you are or what you should be. I actually commend you for dropping out of college until you know what you want to do. there is no reason wasting money with no direction. </p><p>&nbsp;</p><p>As for the writing, it is REALLY hard from what I know to ever make a decent living off of it. It is almost like trying to break into the music buisness. </p><p>&nbsp;</p><p>Maybe you should look into becoming an eglish teacher, like high school or something, so that you can be around the subject you love all the time, and it will give you a lot of time to write. </p><p>Or look into a field where you will be able to get a job, like a finance major, and then write on the side and see where that takes you. </p><p>&nbsp;</p><p>&nbsp;</p>

[keithy_19]

<strong>JPMNICK</strong> wrote:<br /><p>&nbsp;</p><p>Maybe you should look into becoming an eglish teacher, like high school or something, so that you can be around the subject you love all the time, and it will give you a lot of time to write. </p><p>&nbsp;</p><p>I had looked into becoming an English teacher. The problem is that there isn't a need for english or history teachers, the two subjects I would like to teach. </p>

[TrailerTrash]

<strong>keithy_19</strong> wrote:I had looked into becoming an English teacher. The problem is that there isn't a need for english or history teachers, the two subjects I would like to teach. <p><br />Unfortunately, I can't say that I've been in your place, but I know plenty of people that are.&nbsp; It's perfectly normal to not know what you want to do with your life at your age.&nbsp; Look at all the things that interest you and think about what you might like to do.&nbsp; When it comes to your writing, just take it one day at a time.&nbsp; You <strong>should</strong> finish those shitty pieces you start.&nbsp; You probably just need to get back into your flow and find your voice again. </p><p>I'm an english teacher.&nbsp; There is a need for them - but not a very big one.&nbsp; It doesn't help that its a highly competitive field because of the amount of english/history teachers out there.</p><p>It's a BIG benefit to you that if you want to be a teacher of one of those fields, do a double-major: english<strong> and</strong> history.&nbsp; Then get your certification in both. Lots of schools are looking for teachers who can teach both classes.</p><p>It also would be a benefit for you to get a certification&nbsp; endorsement in special education.&nbsp; It's a lot of work, but it might work for you if you decide to go that route.</p><p>&nbsp;</p>

[sr71blackbird]

<strong>tooshy</strong> wrote:<br />Keithy...I don't know you at all....but it sounds like you have guts to do what you want to do.....go for it!<p>Was tooshy Reeshy?&nbsp;</p>

[boeman]

<p>I was in a similar situation... I really though I wanted to be an engineer of some type. I went to college for a bit, but hated it... so I left and started working full time. A friend of mine called one day and told me to call a number, they had some tech support jobs open. I took the job and shrugged off engineering... Tech support lead to IT, IT lead to systems administratioin... then one day, I started writing software. </p><p>&nbsp;</p><p>At this point, my skills put me in the network and software engineer class. Somehow after completely shrugging off what I had hoped to do, it came around full circle without my noticing. (oh and by the way... I hate it)</p>

[eeroomnhoj]

<br /><p>&nbsp;</p><p>I had looked into becoming an<font style="background-color: #33cccc"> English teacher.</font> The problem is that there isn't a need for english or history teachers, the two subjects I would like to teach. </p><p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; If you really want to teach then teach special ed.&nbsp;&nbsp;Schools are always looking for teachers to teach special ed in all subject areas (my school has an opening for&nbsp;the 11th grade LD English teaching position for 07-08.&nbsp; </p><p>&nbsp;Nothing is as gratifying (or difficult)&nbsp;I assure you.</p>

[Fez4PrezN2008]

<p>Keithy - I PROMISE you life gets better. </p><p>&nbsp;Hang in there kid !&nbsp;&nbsp; </p>

[J.Clints]

<strong>Don Stugots</strong> wrote:<br /><strong>ralphbxny</strong> wrote:<br />I understand...I am having one of those moments now. I realized I need to work at it. If you dont youll hate yourself. freakin dont worry. Do your think. Write shit and put something together. We will help ya proof read. <p>&nbsp;i agree with Ralph.&nbsp; i never got into radio and i hated myself for it for a long time.&nbsp; i always thought &quot;what if...&quot;&nbsp; you should do it and be the best writer you can be in.&nbsp; we are all here to support you.&nbsp; </p><p>read what don wrote that is me</p>

[DarkHippie]

<p>I'm gonna give you a little tough love here, but only because i've seen your writing and think you have a lot of potential.&nbsp; I'm also a fairly accomplished writer (pat pat pat)</p><p>*Slap* SNAP OUT OF IT!!!&nbsp; A writer writes.&nbsp; A writer writes crap.&nbsp; Lots and lots of crap.&nbsp; You think Hemmingway liked everything he wrote?&nbsp; You think Updike did?&nbsp; For every story I write, there are two or three that are so bad that i want to slit my wrists with a butter knife.&nbsp; so how many stories has it been since you wrote a good one?&nbsp; </p><p>Also, you are young and you are going to get better.&nbsp; When I was your age my stuff wasnt nearly as good as yours is.&nbsp; You don't need to go to school to be a writer.&nbsp; I won't lie--it helped me a lot-- but the most important thing is to get feedback.&nbsp; Find a writing circle if you can.&nbsp; It will improve your writing and your editing skills.</p><p>Most of all don't give up.&nbsp; If you really are a writer, you will never be happy unless you are writing.</p>

[Bulldogcakes]

<p>Well, you'll never be what you want if you quit when you're only halfway there. </p><p>&nbsp;</p><p>Here are some links that might help. </p><p><a href="http://fictionwriting.about.com/od/writingroadblocks/tp/block.htm"><strong>Overcoming Writer's Block</strong></a></p><table border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" width="305"><tbody><tr><span><span class="n2Pop" style="display: none; visibility: visible; left: 459px; top: 1324px"></span></span><td valign="top" style="padding: 3px 10px 5px 5px"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Unstuck-Supportive-Practical-Working-Through/dp/0312301200/ref=cm_syf_dtl_pop_4/102-5829293-8778552/102-5829293-8778552"><img src="http://ec1.images-amazon.com/images/P/0312301200.01._PIsitb-sm-arrow,TopRight,13,-17_OU01_SCTZZZZZZZ_.jpg" border="0" width="64" height="99" align="middle" /></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p class="rpSmall"> <strong><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Unstuck-Supportive-Practical-Working-Through/dp/0312301200/ref=cm_syf_dtl_pop_4/102-5829293-8778552/102-5829293-8778552">Unstuck: A Supportive and Practical Guide to Working Through Writer's Block</a></strong> by Jane Anne Staw </p></td></tr></tbody></table><h2 class="r"><a href="http://ezinearticles.com/?Writing-A-Book---Overcoming-Writers-Block&amp;id=438699">Writing A <strong>Book</strong> - <strong>Overcoming Writer's Block</strong></a></h2><p>&nbsp;</p><p>&nbsp;</p><p>THere's a ton of stuff out there for this. Find something that resonates with you. If your writing fiction, I've always heard authors say the the &quot;charecters write themselves&quot;. Maybe you need to listen to your charecters more.</p><p>&nbsp;</p><p>&nbsp;</p><p>&nbsp;</p>

<span class=post_edited>This message was edited by Bulldogcakes on 3-18-07 @ 10:20 AM</span>

[SarahImpact]

<p>Your not alone....&nbsp; I'm in college now and I only have about a year left.&nbsp; I'm going to school to be a probation officer and I know that I would be great at it, although I don't know if I really want to.&nbsp; Without going into details, I think I might have gone to school for corrections in some werid venture to try and stop kids from having to go through some of the things that I did.&nbsp; It sounds strange, but I can't think of another explanation for my second guessing.&nbsp; It's completely impossible and people are never going to change if they don't want to, so what am I going to do??&nbsp; </p><p>I know that I will enjoy the work and I will be good at it (at least I think so), although I completely understand your situation.&nbsp; It's probably just like anything else, you just have to keep fighting and along the road doors will open and maybe you won't end in the place you expected, but you'll be where your supposed to be.&nbsp; I know it sounds corny, but I really believe that everything happens for a reason, even the bad things.&nbsp; Just keep fighting through it and you'll be able to accomplish what your supposed to.</p>