Don't Really Know What to Title [Archive]

grlNIN

03-16-2007, 12:37 PM

I don't feel 100% comfortable using this space as an outlet to get feedback on this particular situaion but i also don't feel totally comfortable talking to my friends about it so nonchalantly. I've never had something like this happen before so i still don't know what to think or make of it, let alone how to gauge the appropriate reaction(am i overreacting, under reacting, etc).Last night i was having sex with my boyfriend, things started to get somewhat aggressive, not in a physically harmful way but still enough to cross the threshold of "this is not how you normally are". It was very out of character and after numerous attempts to have some form of verbal communication during(all failed), things progressed and i started to feel a sense of anger which in turn made me start to cry.Things immediately stopped and after i calmed myself down i asked what brought that kind of hostility on. He then tells me that he was thinking about me with what we'll just call an ex for the sake of not confusing things more.So he was thinking about that while he was with me and that made him approach the encounter very differently and definitely more angry and hostile then I'd ever seen with him before.I didn't say anything for about 15 minutes, i didn't know what to say honestly. I felt like i had been overlooked entirely and more than that i don't know why that thought would even enter his head.He didn't leave right away, he stayed for another hour or so, i fell asleep for most of that and then woke up. Everything was ok but after he left i felt(and still feel) like i don't want him to touch me for awhile.So basically i half needed to get this off my chest and half needed to hear responses and advice about this because like i said previously, i've never been in a situation like this.

Furtherman

03-16-2007, 12:41 PM

Sorry to hear this but it seems he still is not over/has issues with his ex.  I guess you could offer to support him while he works it out in his head, or let him go figure it out himself. 

ralphbxny

03-16-2007, 12:51 PM

He needs to figure out his anger. You should take time to get your thoughts straight. Its a weird thing to all of a sudden see someone you care for become something else. Talk it out and all will be ok. If either of you doesnt say how they feel it will bite ya.

Jujubees2

03-16-2007, 12:53 PM

Was he thinking of you with one of your ex's or was he thinking about one of his ex's?If it was you with one of your ex's, he has major issues that he needs to resolve if it brings him to such an angry state of mind.  I think just about every male thinks about the ex's of his wife/girlfriend but I've never heard it cause such a reaction.

grlNIN

03-16-2007, 12:55 PM

My "ex" or whatever. Not his. Just for clarification.

JPMNICK

03-16-2007, 01:00 PM

grlNIN wrote: My "ex" or whatever. Not his. Just for clarification. so he is thinking about you being with another guy while you 2 have sex? does he know your ex? was yoru ex rough with you?

grlNIN

03-16-2007, 01:01 PM

Only from what i've told him and no.It really has nothing to do with that i just don't understand the leap of logic and why he would be thinking about THAT during...that.

Jujubees2

03-16-2007, 01:02 PM

grlNIN wrote: My "ex" or whatever. Not his. Just for clarification. Obviously, you need to find out what about your ex causes your boyfriend to have such a reaction.  When I first started dating my wife she hadn't offcially broken up with her boyfriend (she was in the US he was in Germany and she didn't want to do it over the phone/by letter) so for the first six months of our relationship, he would call or write her ona regular basis and it really bothered me.  I let her know but at the same time I understood where she was coming from and that she wanted to wait until he came for a visit to break up with him.  Needless to say, that week he came to visit her drove me crazy.  Bt we've been married 13 years now so everything worked out.

Furtherman

03-16-2007, 01:02 PM

So he was thinking about YOUR ex and you?  Yikes... that is probably a bigger issue than thinking about his ex.That's jealousy on the verge of rage.  Was he friends with your ex?  Did he know you two as a couple?  If not, then there is a real problem.  He's gotta understand that before he met you is the past - and unless you have some warrant out for your arrest - he shouldn't dwell on what MIGHT be in your past, unless you tell him specifically.

grlNIN

03-16-2007, 01:07 PM

Badinia

03-16-2007, 01:11 PM

I don't really have any great advice for you, I'm sorry about this incident and it sounds a little scary.  Bed isn't where to address bad feelings about the relationship, your ex, etc.As attractive as a crazy girlfriend is, that's how unpleasant a crazy boyfriend is.

Bossanova

03-16-2007, 01:11 PM

Have things been wierd with you guys lately?  Have you done anything that he has questioned recently?

Furtherman

03-16-2007, 01:11 PM

It's jealously and mistrust.  He'd rather you not talk to this guy anymore, but he tries to deal with it by never saying anything about it, but all that repression will eventually snap.  Or give him an ulcer.  He's being selfish, but sometimes that is something you just can't help... maybe he's been cheated on before and your current relationship with your ex makes him think you could fall back in with him.

Friday

03-16-2007, 02:07 PM

I agree.... to a point... with Furtherman. It does sound like he has some jealousy issues with the ex.  Not abnormal in any way.  I think we all get a little insecure when we think about the person we care for being with someone else.  Even if that someone is in the past. However, considering you do still have contact with this Ex, and the fact that your bf so openly shared with you that this was going through his mind at such a vulnerable moment....  maybe it wouldn't hurt to talk with him about it in a non-sexual environment.  Casually as possible though... lord knows men scare easily.   Good luck... but I have a feeling that if you keep an open mind and level head... and he is as open with you as it would seem he Wants to be.... that this can be a growth opportunity for you guys. (FYI I talk the talk but I flail in my own situations!  lol...)

extracheese

03-16-2007, 02:37 PM

THe question isnt why he has these things running through his head ( we just do. we think every crazy thought at some point). The question is - why he chose to HURT you and act in a harsh way towards someone he supposedly loves. When we have thoughts..even intense or strange, we work through it ourselves or talk about it. He chose to become aggressive...to the LAST person he should have.  Imgaine how this can get worse over time as his passive-aggressive behavior festers. The details of your "ex" (whatever that really means..even someone who was abusive to you in your past) are not that important as to how he reacts to things that anger or confuse him. He needs help -  perhaps a few joint counseling sessions can quickly get all the cards out on the table. 

This message was edited by extracheese on 3-16-07 @ 6:39 PM

drusilla

03-16-2007, 08:44 PM

i know the whole situation & i'm still dumbfounded.  i wonder how the chat went tonight.

Gvac

03-17-2007, 12:59 PM

This is a really, really tough one.  I want to make it clear that I am in no way defending your boyfriend's actions, but I just wanted to let you know that when a man's testosterone level reaches peak capacity the line between passion and aggression can sometimes get blurred.  And in case you didn't notice, men aren't renowned for expressing their emotions at other times.  The fact that you've told him that this ex boyfriend of yours will always be in your life no matter what can't be sitting very well with him, and maybe you should both question why.  Good luck, and I hope everything works out for the best.

DarkHippie

03-17-2007, 01:05 PM

I was actually in a situation like this, but on the other side.  my ex, when I was still dating her, told me once that her ex boyfriend had a 10 inch dick.  I couldn't get the image of her having sex with him out of my head.  Eventually the jealousy seeped into other parts of our relationship, like when we would have sex.It was up to me to get over it.  If my girl tried to talk it out with me, I would have freaked out.  Your situation probably isnt like this one, but whatever it is, i think he has to come to terms with it on his own.  If you try to talk about it with him, its only going to make things worse.

Bulldogcakes

03-17-2007, 01:56 PM

Well, first of all you should understand that what goes on in bed is not necessarily a reflection on your relationship. Sex is a totally different world of role playing, fantasies and rules that dont apply elsewhere. Thats why its called your "Sex Life". There are some connections, but in many ways it's totally seperate from the rest of your life. But you're not into it, you told him and now he knows. No excuses from here on out.Without any details its really tough to tell who's at fault here. If he's being an asshole or if you're being too sensitive.     

This message was edited by Bulldogcakes on 3-17-07 @ 6:13 PM

grlNIN

03-17-2007, 03:13 PM

There was no role playing going on. He was being uncharacteristically aggressive and i *knew* whatever energy that was being put into on his side wasn't coming from a good place.

DarkHippie

03-17-2007, 03:17 PM

Bulldogcakes

03-17-2007, 03:51 PM

grlNIN wrote: There was no role playing going on. He was being uncharacteristically aggressive and i *knew* whatever energy that was being put into on his side wasn't coming from a good place. So? People have their good sides and their dark sides. You cant pick and choose. Nobody's perfect, including me and you. But if he cant be himself around you, what will happen is he'll end up repressing sides of his personality you dont like and you'll end up with a big blowup later which will likely end the relationship. Or he'll be miserable, and you wont like that either. If you plan on being with him, both of you have to be able to communicate (somewhat) honestly with each other. But again, I'm shooting in the dark here. No details.    

This message was edited by Bulldogcakes on 3-17-07 @ 8:54 PM

OrangeBOF

03-17-2007, 07:54 PM

Wow....that is so difficult and i can only tell you from a guys side.   I don't understand the anger.  I would expect a loss of intimacy shall we say. I can just say from my own experience that the thought of your present lover may be great, but somewhere in the dark part of the brain there lies the feeling of hurt,jealousy, rage of you being with someone else.  I don't know the particulars, but I will say it is worse, many times worse if he knows this person.  That makes it harder to get rid of.  He has a face to picture and in a kind of backward fantasy can fantasize about what he might like to do to him out of anger .  He can picture him. It either speaks for how he feels for you or that he as issues that you can do nothing about, except decide for yourself if its worth it. That had to be a lil scary. I just realized that it has to be about as scary as me responding and giving advice in this thread.  Maybe i got an Idea for a show. Seriously...soul searching time.  I hope it helps and be careful  We are tough to deal with when a males fragile  ego gets bruised, cause we wont show it to anyone else but someone very close to them   Good luck   Billy

grlNIN

03-18-2007, 06:35 AM

Bulldogcakes wrote:  So? People have their good sides and their dark sides. You cant pick and choose. Nobody's perfect, including me and you. But if he cant be himself around you, what will happen is he'll end up repressing sides of his personality you dont like and you'll end up with a big blowup later which will likely end the relationship. Or he'll be miserable, and you wont like that either. If you plan on being with him, both of you have to be able to communicate (somewhat) honestly with each other. But again, I'm shooting in the dark here. No details.   You would make a good rapist.

Bulldogcakes

03-18-2007, 07:50 AM

grlNIN wrote: Bulldogcakes wrote:  So? People have their good sides and their dark sides. You cant pick and choose. Nobody's perfect, including me and you. But if he cant be himself around you, what will happen is he'll end up repressing sides of his personality you dont like and you'll end up with a big blowup later which will likely end the relationship. Or he'll be miserable, and you wont like that either. If you plan on being with him, both of you have to be able to communicate (somewhat) honestly with each other. But again, I'm shooting in the dark here. No details.  You would make a good rapist. And that confirms in my mind that you're the one who's being WAAAAAYYYY too sensitive here, and immature.

Crispy123

03-18-2007, 08:10 AM

I'm not trained or equiped to give any kind of psycho analysis of your boyfriends behavior. Having said that, I think sex is a huge part of a relationship. And in the past I have ended relationships with people who are not, for a better term, sexually compatible with me (they don't enjoy the same things about sex that I do). My advice is, for what its worth, if this was a one time deal or whatever procede cautiously but otherwise look for someone more "compatible" sexually.

Bulldogcakes

03-18-2007, 08:16 AM

CPW3 wrote: I'm not trained or equiped to give any kind of psycho analysis of your boyfriends behavior. Having said that, I think sex is a huge part of a relationship. And in the past I have ended relationships with people who are not, for a better term, sexually compatible with me (they don't enjoy the same things about sex that I do). My advice is, for what its worth, if this was a one time deal or whatever procede cautiously but otherwise look for someone more "compatible" sexually. You're a rapist.

TheMojoPin

03-18-2007, 08:33 AM

Bulldogcakes wrote: CPW3 wrote: I'm not trained or equiped to give any kind of psycho analysis of your boyfriends behavior. Having said that, I think sex is a huge part of a relationship. And in the past I have ended relationships with people who are not, for a better term, sexually compatible with me (they don't enjoy the same things about sex that I do). My advice is, for what its worth, if this was a one time deal or whatever procede cautiously but otherwise look for someone more "compatible" sexually.  You're a rapist. How did he say anything even remotely close to what you said?  You basically said "hey, sometimes you just can't help what happens during sex...deal with it."  He said "this is sex, you can't avoid it in a relationship, so might have to look at the situation very carefully."Sex is, obviously, the most intimate physical act between two people.  It involves a HUGE amount of trust and opening up to the other person involved, and to feel that that trust has possibly been misused or violated or whatever you want to call it can weigh heavily on someone and mean a lot.  Your dismissal of someone as being "too sensitive" over a possible betrayal of that intimacy can't help but seem pretty callous, "lack of details" or not.

Crispy123

03-18-2007, 08:53 AM

TheMojoPin wrote: Bulldogcakes wrote: CPW3 wrote: I'm not trained or equiped to give any kind of psycho analysis of your boyfriends behavior. Having said that, I think sex is a huge part of a relationship. And in the past I have ended relationships with people who are not, for a better term, sexually compatible with me (they don't enjoy the same things about sex that I do). My advice is, for what its worth, if this was a one time deal or whatever procede cautiously but otherwise look for someone more "compatible" sexually.  You're a rapist. How did he say anything even remotely close to what you said? You basically said "hey, sometimes you just can't help what happens during sex...deal with it." He said "this is sex, you can't avoid it in a relationship, so might have to look at the situation very carefully."Sex is, obviously, the most intimate physical act between two people. It involves a HUGE amount of trust and opening up to the other person involved, and to feel that that trust has possibly been misused or violated or whatever you want to call it can weigh heavily on someone and mean a lot. Your dismissal of someone as being "too sensitive" over a possible betrayal of that intimacy can't help but seem pretty callous, "lack of details" or not. Very true Mojo. Im not saying deal with it. Im saying make sure you can handle all aspects of your "partner" especially sex. If its something that you two feel differentley about then you shouldn't be together.BDC, I dont want to brag but I have been told i have a rapists wit.

Badinia

03-18-2007, 09:20 AM

I think the boys and girls are talking about different things.  It's not that they're sexually incompatible, it's that the boyfriend apparently feels that he can punish her or take her to task in bed, which is a shitty thing to do and is a betrayal of her trust and their intimacy.  If you think that anything is acceptable once two people in love have their clothes off, I think you're wrong.

Bulldogcakes

03-18-2007, 09:22 AM

I think the boys and girls are talking about different things.  It's not that they're sexually incompatible, it's that the boyfriend apparently feels that he can punish her or take her to task in bed, which is a shitty thing to do and is a betrayal of her trust and their intimacy.  If you think that anything is acceptable once two people in love have their clothes off, I think you're wrong.I think you're right. But again, without details its hard to tease out where the line was crossed. Plus, his side of this story would help. I will say this, though. If she told him to stop and he didn't, he was wrong right there. The rest of it sounds like he tried being a little rough with her, and she didn't like it. Some women like it a little rough occasionally, some all the time, some never. As I said before, if she made it clear she's not into it, no excuses from here on out.    

This message was edited by Bulldogcakes on 3-18-07 @ 1:32 PM

JesterOfSadness

03-18-2007, 09:24 AM

I think that even if both are completely honest with each other, the dude will still have in his head that something can happen. He'll most likely never let it go unless she cuts any ties with her ex completely and even then, it can happen with any guy she talks to or is friends with.but hey what do I know..

Bulldogcakes

03-18-2007, 09:27 AM

CPW3 wrote: TheMojoPin wrote: Bulldogcakes wrote: CPW3 wrote: I'm not trained or equiped to give any kind of psycho analysis of your boyfriends behavior. Having said that, I think sex is a huge part of a relationship. And in the past I have ended relationships with people who are not, for a better term, sexually compatible with me (they don't enjoy the same things about sex that I do). My advice is, for what its worth, if this was a one time deal or whatever procede cautiously but otherwise look for someone more "compatible" sexually.  You're a rapist. How did he say anything even remotely close to what you said? You basically said "hey, sometimes you just can't help what happens during sex...deal with it." He said "this is sex, you can't avoid it in a relationship, so might have to look at the situation very carefully."Sex is, obviously, the most intimate physical act between two people. It involves a HUGE amount of trust and opening up to the other person involved, and to feel that that trust has possibly been misused or violated or whatever you want to call it can weigh heavily on someone and mean a lot. Your dismissal of someone as being "too sensitive" over a possible betrayal of that intimacy can't help but seem pretty callous, "lack of details" or not. Very true Mojo. Im not saying deal with it. Im saying make sure you can handle all aspects of your "partner" especially sex. If its something that you two feel differentley about then you shouldn't be together.HELLO? SARCASM?And Mojo, you COMPLETELY misunderstood what I wrote. I said no such thing. I suggest you reread it, along with what I was responding to. and Mojo, since when is it OK to call someone a "Rapist" around here? If she really means that in referring to what her BF did, I suggest she call the Cops.   BDC, I dont want to brag but I have been told i have a rapists wit. Nice! Love it when some one can handle being serious and goofy in the same post. And I agreed with your first post completely, and what you wrote there was the same as the main point of my posts. Which some folks seem to have missed completely.

TheMojoPin

03-18-2007, 09:39 AM

Bulldogcakes wrote: CPW3 wrote: TheMojoPin wrote: Bulldogcakes wrote: CPW3 wrote: I'm not trained or equiped to give any kind of psycho analysis of your boyfriends behavior. Having said that, I think sex is a huge part of a relationship. And in the past I have ended relationships with people who are not, for a better term, sexually compatible with me (they don't enjoy the same things about sex that I do). My advice is, for what its worth, if this was a one time deal or whatever procede cautiously but otherwise look for someone more "compatible" sexually.  You're a rapist. How did he say anything even remotely close to what you said? You basically said "hey, sometimes you just can't help what happens during sex...deal with it." He said "this is sex, you can't avoid it in a relationship, so might have to look at the situation very carefully."Sex is, obviously, the most intimate physical act between two people. It involves a HUGE amount of trust and opening up to the other person involved, and to feel that that trust has possibly been misused or violated or whatever you want to call it can weigh heavily on someone and mean a lot. Your dismissal of someone as being "too sensitive" over a possible betrayal of that intimacy can't help but seem pretty callous, "lack of details" or not.Very true Mojo. Im not saying deal with it. Im saying make sure you can handle all aspects of your "partner" especially sex. If its something that you two feel differentley about then you shouldn't be together.HELLO? SARCASM?And Mojo, you COMPLETELY misunderstood what I wrote. I said no such thing. I suggest you reread it, along with what I was responding to. and Mojo, since when is it OK to call someone a "Rapist" around here? If she really means that in referring to what her BF did, I suggest she call the Cops.   BDC, I dont want to brag but I have been told i have a rapists wit. Nice! Love it when some one can handle being serious and goofy in the same post. And I agreed with your first post completely, and what you wrote there was the same as the main point of my posts. Which some folks seem to have missed completely.    For one, this thread is supposed to be the "serious" thread, so don't knock yourself out congratulating yourself on that hiarious but you had going.Secondly, no, even the implication of you or anyone else here being a rapist isn't cool, but I think it was more of an angry reaction of your basic dismissal of the issue at hand twice in this thread.  Is it right?  No...but this is supposed to be a serious forum where people come with their real porblems and to have someone brush those problems off by basically saying "it's probably all in your head" is going to rub people the wrong way, even if you thought your intentions were good.  I keep re-reading your posts and they keep ending up sounding like, "hey, a sex life isn't necessarily reflective on who you really are...it's seperate!"  I think that's ridiculous.  Like I and others have said here, sex is where two people are supposed to be as open and honest with each other on ALL levels since the act itself is a gigantic admission of trust.  This whole "it's totally seperate from your life/relationship" is such a cop-out.I'm not saying you can't have your opinion, but if you look over the thread you'll find you're

Bulldogcakes

03-18-2007, 11:28 AM

TheMojoPin wrote:Secondly, no, even the implication of you or anyone else here being a rapist isn't cool, but I think it was more of an angry reaction of your basic dismissal of the issue at hand twice in this thread. Is it right? No...but this is supposed to be a serious forum where people come with their real porblems and to have someone brush those problems off by basically saying "it's probably all in your head" is going to rub people the wrong way, even if you thought your intentions were good. I keep re-reading your posts and they keep ending up sounding like, "hey, a sex life isn't necessarily reflective on who you really are...it's seperate!" I think that's ridiculous. Like I and others have said here, sex is where two people are supposed to be as open and honest with each other on ALL levels since the act itself is a gigantic admission of trust. This whole "it's totally seperate from your life/relationship" is such a cop-out.I'm not saying you can't have your opinion, but if you look over the thread you'll find you're really waaaaaaaaaaaaaay out on a pretty strange limb all by yourself with that one. That doesn't excuse you being insulted, but you might want to re-think the tangent you're going off in with this, in my opinion, bizarre and kind of cold mindset towards sex.  The only time I was dismissive was after she called me a rapist, which leads me to conclude that she's the one overreacting, as evidenced by her overreaction to my post. Which you agreed was the case.And if you dont get the seperate/role playing thing, consider this. Sex is fun for the same reason a good movie or a good book is, because its NOT what happens anywhere else in life. Think about it.

TheMojoPin

03-18-2007, 11:49 AM

Bulldogcakes wrote: TheMojoPin wrote: Secondly, no, even the implication of you or anyone else here being a rapist isn't cool, but I think it was more of an angry reaction of your basic dismissal of the issue at hand twice in this thread. Is it right? No...but this is supposed to be a serious forum where people come with their real porblems and to have someone brush those problems off by basically saying "it's probably all in your head" is going to rub people the wrong way, even if you thought your intentions were good. I keep re-reading your posts and they keep ending up sounding like, "hey, a sex life isn't necessarily reflective on who you really are...it's seperate!" I think that's ridiculous. Like I and others have said here, sex is where two people are supposed to be as open and honest with each other on ALL levels since the act itself is a gigantic admission of trust. This whole "it's totally seperate from your life/relationship" is such a cop-out.I'm not saying you can't have your opinion, but if you look over the thread you'll find you're really waaaaaaaaaaaaaay out on a pretty strange limb all by yourself with that one. That doesn't excuse you being insulted, but you might want to re-think the tangent you're going off in with this, in my opinion, bizarre and kind of cold mindset towards sex.  The only time I was dismissive was after she called me a rapist, which leads me to conclude that she's the one overreacting, as evidenced by her overreaction to my post. Which you agreed was the case.And if you dont get the seperate/role playing thing, consider this. Sex is fun for the same reason a good movie or a good book is, because its NOT what happens anywhere else in life. Think about it.  Roleplaying is something totally different from "normal" sex...role playing is also something that's supposed to involve both people, not one springing something on the other and just assuming they'll go for it.  Roleplaying is the exception, not the norm, for most people.  She said it wasn't roleplaying and just brushed it aside with a very dismissive "so?".  There's a pretty huge difference between having aggressive sex and actually taking out your aggression on someone during it.

patsopinion

03-18-2007, 11:52 AM

did he know you, want to date you, while you were with your now ex?

Bulldogcakes

03-18-2007, 12:24 PM

TheMojoPin wrote:Roleplaying is something totally different from "normal" sex...role playing is also something that's supposed to involve both people, not one springing something on the other and just assuming they'll go for it. Roleplaying is the exception, not the norm, for most people. She said it wasn't roleplaying and just brushed it aside with a very dismissive "so?". There's a pretty huge difference between having aggressive sex and actually taking out your aggression on someone during it. Then thats where you misunderstood me. Now I see. I wasn't referring to the role playing, I was referring to her saying that what happened "didn't come from a good place" and I suggested she accept the fact that nobody's perfect, both of them should feel able to express whatever they are feeling good/bad in some way and that they communicate more. I'm also assuming this is the 1st time its happened, and that he didn't know she's not into whatever (and we still dont know what did) happened. Again, communicate more is the answer. So no excuses after this, but I give him a mulligan on a 1st time.

TheMojoPin

03-18-2007, 01:25 PM

Bulldogcakes wrote: TheMojoPin wrote: Roleplaying is something totally different from "normal" sex...role playing is also something that's supposed to involve both people, not one springing something on the other and just assuming they'll go for it. Roleplaying is the exception, not the norm, for most people. She said it wasn't roleplaying and just brushed it aside with a very dismissive "so?". There's a pretty huge difference between having aggressive sex and actually taking out your aggression on someone during it. Then thats where you misunderstood me. Now I see. I wasn't referring to the role playing, I was referring to her saying that what happened "didn't come from a good place" and I suggested she accept the fact that nobody's perfect, both of them should feel able to express whatever they are feeling good/bad in some way and that they communicate more. I'm also assuming this is the 1st time its happened, and that he didn't know she's not into whatever (and we still dont know what did) happened. Again, communicate more is the answer. So no excuses after this, but I give him a mulligan on a 1st time.  Obviously, more communication is always a good thing for anyone, but when the need for that communication is first brought up during sex in a physical way, it might be raising some red flags and questions.  That is not "good communication."

drusilla

03-18-2007, 07:44 PM

CPW3 wrote: TheMojoPin wrote: Bulldogcakes wrote: CPW3 wrote: I'm not trained or equiped to give any kind of psycho analysis of your boyfriends behavior. Having said that, I think sex is a huge part of a relationship. And in the past I have ended relationships with people who are not, for a better term, sexually compatible with me (they don't enjoy the same things about sex that I do). My advice is, for what its worth, if this was a one time deal or whatever procede cautiously but otherwise look for someone more "compatible" sexually.  You're a rapist. How did he say anything even remotely close to what you said? You basically said "hey, sometimes you just can't help what happens during sex...deal with it." He said "this is sex, you can't avoid it in a relationship, so might have to look at the situation very carefully."Sex is, obviously, the most intimate physical act between two people. It involves a HUGE amount of trust and opening up to the other person involved, and to feel that that trust has possibly been misused or violated or whatever you want to call it can weigh heavily on someone and mean a lot. Your dismissal of someone as being "too sensitive" over a possible betrayal of that intimacy can't help but seem pretty callous, "lack of details" or not. Very true Mojo. Im not saying deal with it. Im saying make sure you can handle all aspects of your "partner" especially sex. If its something that you two feel differentley about then you shouldn't be together.BDC, I dont want to brag but I have been told i have a rapists wit.  he basically slapped her without really slapping her.  metaphorically.

nate1000

03-27-2007, 07:07 AM

I don't know that he is dwelling, there have been things that have come up because i still talk to this person regularly and he knows that, i told him that would never change because above anything else that person will always be in my life no matter what.He accepted this but there is a whole undertow of things that i am leaving out that i dont feel comfortable in saying(nothing to do with how he treats me regulalrly or his demeanor) so for now it's just focused on this particular occurance. 

Sounds to me like he's got a reason to be concerned. It seems that you've got some work to do on your previous relationship before you can go anywhere with someone else. I don't know anything about you, NIN, but I know these particular thoughts and feelings. I put a parade of chicks through this exact thing before getting back together with my "what we'll just call an ex". We are now married with two beautiful kids and a very happy life.

Either way it sounds clear that you have some lingering issues with the ex. I won't presume to understand what those might be, but I hope it all works out for the best. BTW- the violence is NEVER a good sign. Acting out physically on his percieved need to punish you is beyond a slippery slope. There are men who physically hurt women and there are men who don't. There ain't no in-between and it ain't a matter of degree. Best of luck.