Lost all hope...

[ppanda]

So I will prolly regret entering this but... I was watching VH1 classic and they had a special about the the album Nevermind by Nirvana. It hit a nerve with me- you are welcome to see my post in the thread:
http://www.ronfez.net/forums/showthread.php?p=1250728#post1250728

At what point did I become a POW of life rather than a kamikaze? I have been pretty much a danger to myself since 13. My folks know this cuz there were many times where they caught me trying to slice my wrists or OD.
So since then I tried to play it sutle- I had a plan that I would drink myself to death It would be slow but still accomplish the mission. I have fell into this trap and cant get out (but I dont think Ive ever really recovered from my self destructive ways)
I realized tonight my "happiness" is a facade... I never really felt happy..yet my friends constantly want me to come out cuz they need some laughs.
SubconsciouslyI think I sabotage my life ie: I wont get into a long relationship because I dont plan on getting married- no desire to have kids

Ha- retirement? Ha- Im not living past 50

I have never really spoke of this.
The survivors of a suicide loss always say that suicide is a selfish act..selfish to who? I think its selfish on the part friends of the suicide victom- they want to keep you around for the joy that you bring to your life rather than considering the personal pain that the suicidal person is in.
I welcome your input..but sad is I dont want to change my ways.....Life Fukn sucks- All my idols have realized this Kurt Cobain, Hunter S. Thompson, etc etc etc. I truly believe they understood how wrong and ugly this world is
Am I nuts?
Have I just waved the white flag long ago?
Has life forced me to unhapily "go with the grain"?
Is there really something to look forward to when entering my mid 30's?
Please keep in mind what forum this is in- no jokes please

[Fat_Sunny]

PPanda, When You Posted That Picture Of Yourself Last Week, Fat Said To Himself "Now There Is A Very Good-Looking Guy With Alot Of Smarts And A Sense Of Humor; He Must Be On Top Of The World."

If You Are Not, You SHOULD Be. Hang In There, And You WILL Be.

We Have All Had Times Of Self-Doubt, Depression, And Yes, Thoughts Of Suicide. You Need To Tough It Out With The Knowledge That Things WILL Get Better. One Of The Best Things About Getting Older (And This Is Said With Personal Knowledge) Is That Your Emotions "Level Out", And Things That Once Really Disturbed You Just Roll Off Your Back.

Get Through The Funk You Are In By Thinking About Your Family And Friends And Associates And Pets And How Miserable They Would Be If You Were Gone. If Not For Yourself, Then Hang In There For Them.

One Day, In The Not Too Distant Future, You Will Wake Up And Things Won't Seem So Gloomy. Later, You Will Wake Up And Things Will Actually Look Good. And One Day, You'll Wake Up, And Life Will Look Great.

Don't Over-Analyze And Don't Dwell On The Negative. Think Of The Things That Bring You Joy. Over Time, More And More Things Will Become Joyful, And Fewer And Fewer Things Will Be Sorrowful.

Just Stay In The Game, And Things Will Be Better. Really.

[ppanda]

Thanks for the encouraging words F_S.
I think the only thing that keeps me her is missing a "good time"
whether it be what the future is like.especially how fast technoligy is advancing- or Music or
Whether its a a good time with friends- or even new friends.
I guess that the way I am explans why I will take chances that others dont. I just dont care is my point- cuz according to my past I shouldnt even be here.

Luckily Ive gotten second and third chances...however I am still in that frame of mind- its something I can shake.

I'll tell ya some of the best and more "real" people Ive talked to are on this board. I live around a lot of fake people.. Its Connecticut- hello Martha Stewart- the queen of fake.

I havent even met any of you yet I feel comfortable to disclose this ugly side of me.

Thanks again F_s

[weekapaugjz]

ppanda, keep your head up budday. things will get better, ive been dealing with a lot of the same stuff you have recently. its tough, but have the outlook that things will get better, as f_s has previously posted. anytime you need a budday, send me a PM and ill see what i can do. you gave me a lot of support a few weeks ago when i posted in this thread and want to be able to give you support as well. hang in there budday.

[Friday]

I'll tell ya some of the best and more "real" people Ive talked to are on this board. I live around a lot of fake people.. Its Connecticut- hello Martha Stewart- the queen of fake.

I havent even met any of you yet I feel comfortable to disclose this ugly side of me.



If it is real you are looking for... this is the place. Yeah, we are all smart asses, but when one of our buddys is hurting or just in need of advice... this is a very comfortable place to be. This was where I came after the first traumatic event in my life... and what I found were cool people who were more than willing to lend an ear and take me out for a good time. Ironically, I returned to this board just before the 2nd, and most life altering change in my life. Again... I have found nothing but open arms and support, laughs, and even *nub*.

Life is insane. Sometimes it sucks and it almost seems that ending things would be easier than enduring long enough to see what is next. I have been in that place. Getting lost in a liquor haze is easy too. I have done this one more recently. lol. But things get better... either on their own through the every day events of life... or with concentrated effort. No guarantees, though... even when you are feeling good... there may be shitty days. Thats when you come here... or PM one of your buddays. We are good like that.

I hope you make it out tomorrow night. Even just for some beers to placate the mind....
But don't lose hope.... goodness is everywhere. Even in the sad places. :)

[ppanda]

I just want to add.. this is by no means a plea for help or anything like that. I dont want to set off any alarms. Im just stating that I was looking back and realized that nothing has happened in the past 15 years to improve morale of an everyday joe like myself (unless you count I-pods). I still feel as pesimistic as I did back in '91.
I am still in that frame of mind and when all your idols are killing themsleves- you have to ask- are they right? Obviously they were wise in their ways and came to the conclusion life is fukd and cant be fixed...so seeya
Am I missing out on something?
I know I have factors that contribute to these feelings- but is it ingrained in me or are others crumbling on the decline of our civilzation?

Does anyone else just have the phuk it cuz it doesnt matter mentality?

I dont currently have any "intent" but I feel like a dog condtantly beaten and retreating at the wink of an eye with its tail between its legs- I'm getting to my fight or flight brink with life,

[weekapaugjz]

Does anyone else just have the phuk it cuz it doesnt matter mentality?

i think about shit like this all the time. its a tough mentality to get over, and i am struggling with it everyday. just try to do things that make you happy, whatever it is, and it will start getting better. yes, there will be setbacks along the way, but all it does is make you a stronger person in the end.

[Gvac]

First off, Panda, let me say that it was great to meet you last night. Hopefully we'll hang together more as time goes on. You seem like a genuinely nice guy.

Secondly, I can understand your current mindset more than you might know. When I was slightly younger (it wasn't all that long ago, trust me) I had somewhat similar views on the world as you. I also drank a lot. A LOT. I viewed it as heroic in some weird kind of way; like I was one of the lucky ones who realized what little "meaning" life had and yet I was unlucky in the fact that I was so sensitive to the pain in the world that I needed some way to dull it all.

Looking back in my current frame of mind I can only shake my head in disappointment with myself because I've confronted the painful things in my life and made peace with them. I get upset with myself that I was so easily knocked off track.

I also realized having "idols" is a foolish thing. All the men you mentioned are just that; men. They weren't gods or higher beings, but rather extremely talented but fatally flawed men. Most of them had severe mental problems.

There's nothing wrong with marveling at the accomplishments and works of others, but thinking that such greatness is not within you is short sighted. These people should be inspirations, not objects of worship.

At 41 years of age the world makes infinitely more sense to me than it did 10 years ago, and I cannot wait for what the future holds. I'm more energetic and optimistic now than I was in my 30's and I know for a fact there's a lot left to do in my time on this planet.

If you ever want to talk about it, feel free to PM me or email me, but just realize that you're not born any better or worse than any other being in this world of ours. What you ultimately do with your life will decide what kind of man you were.

[Midkiff]

When I am feeling down, I just think of the wise words of almighty Ron: "Fuck it!"

[lleeder]

ppanda, I've been down alot in my life. I know you think what your goin through is impossible to survive but as stated by alot of people before me you need to keep fighting along. Life doesn't just play out easily for us like a movie. Its something that you need to work at every day. I think thats part of what makes me such a fan of the show and this board. You see that people have problems all around us. We're not just a couple of fucked up people, we're normal. Everyone has down times where they think the world is out to get them. Many times I've wanted to close my eyes just sit there until I died. I thought ok this is it I'll be in an institution or dead shortly. Somehow I grasped at the one shred of sanity and built myself back up. Maybe I'm not the greatest but I'm normal enough for me. I met you, your a good guy and you can do the same. If you wanna talk or justy get shit ok of your system post it here or PM me buddy.