When is your best friend no longer worthy of the "title"

[Leticia]

So I've had this friend since I was 16 (7 1/2yrs). She's who I've always called my best friend. We've gone through an awful lot together but always remained friends.

Lately she's been really flaky and sort of acting mean to me (it's hard to explain how). She's let me down quite a few times and it's really gotten me upset. But my friend (let's call her Elfa) doesn't and has never responded well to conflict. Whenever I try to bring up a problem that involves her she gets masd at me for being paranoid!

Just to let you know I'm notcrazy about what going on I'll give you a situation that contibuted to me feeling this way.

The night b4 I moved in with my boyfriend I was supposed to call her brother to remind him to help us with the move. I had lost his nimber and called her a few days before. I left a message. The next day I left another message. Then the night b4 I left her a message saying that I really needed the number because we were moving in the morning and everyone else bailed and still no answer.

At 9pm She calls me back and says that her boyfriend(who she lives with) says I've been leaving frantic messages. I told her I needed her brother's number and she said she'd call me back! Then she didn't!! At 1030pm I had to call her back saying that I seriously needed the number cause we were moving in the morning and needed to give her brother my address. She told me to "come down and stop being likke this" and then gave it to me. She got mad at me for being panicked (i'm sure a lot of you have mo ved before and know how stressful that can be).

Anyway, she like that with a lot of other things... she fucks up and then gets mad at me for being upset about it.

I know this is terribly long but I just need to get it off my system.

And It's not like she's always been a prefect friend in the past. I forgave her on crazy shit before. Like my boyfriend in high school breaking up with me to go out with her behind my back for 2 weeks before I finally found out...! I ... well i mean i was upset.. but eventually I let it go. And I talked with her about it and everything was fine for a few years.. but now it's all weird again... I feel like she's trying to push me away... what should I do??!!


Sorry this is sooo long!!!!

[patsopinion]

hey lets online
um to long to read but im sure you were in the right

[ScottFromGA]

So I've had this friend since I was 16 (7 1/2yrs). She's who I've always called my best friend. We've gone through an awful lot together but always remained friends.

Lately she's been really flaky and sort of acting mean to me (it's hard to explain how). She's let me down quite a few times and it's really gotten me upset. But my friend (let's call her Elfa) doesn't and has never responded well to conflict. Whenever I try to bring up a problem that involves her she gets masd at me for being paranoid!

Just to let you know I'm notcrazy about what going on I'll give you a situation that contibuted to me feeling this way.

The night b4 I moved in with my boyfriend I was supposed to call her brother to remind him to help us with the move. I had lost his nimber and called her a few days before. I left a message. The next day I left another message. Then the night b4 I left her a message saying that I really needed the number because we were moving in the morning and everyone else bailed and still no answer.

At 9pm She calls me back and says that her boyfriend(who she lives with) says I've been leaving frantic messages. I told her I needed her brother's number and she said she'd call me back! Then she didn't!! At 1030pm I had to call her back saying that I seriously needed the number cause we were moving in the morning and needed to give her brother my address. She told me to "come down and stop being likke this" and then gave it to me. She got mad at me for being panicked (i'm sure a lot of you have mo ved before and know how stressful that can be).

Anyway, she like that with a lot of other things... she fucks up and then gets mad at me for being upset about it.

I know this is terribly long but I just need to get it off my system.

And It's not like she's always been a prefect friend in the past. I forgave her on crazy shit before. Like my boyfriend in high school breaking up with me to go out with her behind my back for 2 weeks before I finally found out...! I ... well i mean i was upset.. but eventually I let it go. And I talked with her about it and everything was fine for a few years.. but now it's all weird again... I feel like she's trying to push me away... what should I do??!!


Sorry this is sooo long!!!!

Elfa? would it happen to be Flea? just a clever disguise?

[cupcakelove]

I don't really give my friends titles like 'best', but I do know I have some friends I can count on for anything, and some I know I would never want to rely on for anything. I guess when she can't take five minutes to give you something that you need, and instead decided to try to make you feel stupid for the way you were acting, for me, that would take her out of the category of one of my friends I can count on.

[Midkiff]

Yeah, it sounds like she's being a dick. I've had similar situations. I found that cutting the friend off made me feel better.

[Leticia]

Yea.. cutting her off as a friend I don't think could really happen. She part of my friend's circle (although she doesn't really hang oiut with them) and well it would just be so much more work to do that.

I was wondering how I can even talk to her if this is the way she's reacting to smaller things.... i don't know. It's a big dealto me cause she's been a big part of my life...

[cupcakelove]

Yea.. cutting her off as a friend I don't think could really happen. She part of my friend's circle (although she doesn't really hang oiut with them) and well it would just be so much more work to do that.

I was wondering how I can even talk to her if this is the way she's reacting to smaller things.... i don't know. It's a big dealto me cause she's been a big part of my life...

Cutting her off isn't necessary, just know that from now on, when you need a friend for help with something, you should look to someone else first. I don't see any reason why you guys can't still hang out.

[Leticia]

Cutting her off isn't necessary, just know that from now on, when you need a friend for help with something, you should look to someone else first. I don't see any reason why you guys can't still hang out.

you're right. I just don't know whether i should even bring this up to her or if I'm better of letting it go.

[cupcakelove]

you're right. I just don't know whether i should even bring this up to her or if I'm better of letting it go.

Probably best to just let it go.

[ChrisTheCop]

When she doesnt remember meeting you at an event.

:unsure:

[AngelAmy]

When she doesnt remember meeting you at an event.

:unsure:

or what about when he cant tell the difference between you and someone else?????????


sorry wwe shouldnt be making jokes, this is thats life

i think you should talk over how you feel with your friend, if she was a true friend she would respect the fact that you feel this way and maybe try to better herself, if she freaks out then maye she isnt as good of a friend as you thought

[Leticia]

Okay... update..

I decided to just sort of let it go...

Here's the dilemma I'm faced with now..

I asked her to be my maid of honor..and of course she said yes...

I had a talk with my fiancee before I did it, in fear that she might not do any of the things maid of honors are supposed to do...ie. plan a bachlorette party, help me shop for a dress... things like that..

and well he said that I should give her a chanceand let her step up to the plate. She did come to my engagement party but I've only talked to her once since it happened...

I sent her a message that I wanted to talk to her about maid of honor stuff and she never responded. ..

I am aware that i haven't even been engaged that long at all... but i'm preemptively deciding that she's NOT gonna step up tp the plate at all...

I'm just panicking, I guess...

:(

[Flops]

Cutting her off isn't necessary, just know that from now on, when you need a friend for help with something, you should look to someone else first. I don't see any reason why you guys can't still hang out.

I concur. And also when they sleep with someone youve got your eye on right in front of you is another time when the best friend could/would be stripped of this title.

[Flops]

Okay... update..

I decided to just sort of let it go...

Here's the dilemma I'm faced with now..

I asked her to be my maid of honor..and of course she said yes...

I had a talk with my fiancee before I did it, in fear that she might not do any of the things maid of honors are supposed to do...ie. plan a bachlorette party, help me shop for a dress... things like that..

and well he said that I should give her a chanceand let her step up to the plate. She did come to my engagement party but I've only talked to her once since it happened...

I sent her a message that I wanted to talk to her about maid of honor stuff and she never responded. ..

I am aware that i haven't even been engaged that long at all... but i'm preemptively deciding that she's NOT gonna step up tp the plate at all...

I'm just panicking, I guess...

:(

No, your not panicking, its natural and ok to feel this way. HHHHHhhheelllll if it was me I wouldnt have given her a second chance and gone with someone I knew for a fact I could count on...afterall, it is your (special) day.

[MellySmelly]

I had a similar situation when I was your age. I think a lot of friendships fade away at that age. Everyone has grown up and wants different things out of life. If she doesn't respond to your calls about the wedding, ask her if she's too busy to be able to help with the plans, and would she rather be a bridesmaid. If she won't answer your calls at all, pick someone else, it's YOUR day.

[Leticia]

Okay... So i think I've decided to "demote" her.

I talked to some other people and I got the same kind of response from all of tyhem...especially since she contacted me right away when I said that a friend of mine wanted to get a tattoo from her(she does tattoos)...

This means she has to picking which calls and messages she responds to from me!??

If she answers a call about her making money as oppossed to one about my wedding... that just is not right.


Now I just have to find a way to tell her without offending her enough to not want to be in the wedding party to begin with...


Duun duuun duuuuuuun...

[patsopinion]

when is ur best friend

its not when they have failed your perceptions/perspective of who they were
people grow and sometimes that means grow apart

instead they loose that nomenclature when the title is passed on
there is only one best

[Leticia]

Okay.. this is dorky.. that I still keep posting on this but.. I just sent her an email about it...

So now I just await her response....

[Justice4all]

Okay... So i think I've decided to "demote" her.

I talked to some other people and I got the same kind of response from all of tyhem...especially since she contacted me right away when I said that a friend of mine wanted to get a tattoo from her(she does tattoos)...

This means she has to picking which calls and messages she responds to from me!??

If she answers a call about her making money as oppossed to one about my wedding... that just is not right.


Now I just have to find a way to tell her without offending her enough to not want to be in the wedding party to begin with...


Duun duuun duuuuuuun...

Leticia, there is not other way to say this but....she is not going to want to be friends with you after this.
If you ask her to be your maid of honor then withdraw that offer, you KNOW the response she will give.

Now I think you were wrong for offering the title to her in the first place. After reading how flakey she is with the SIMPLE shit of just calling you back to give a phone number to you, how did you think she would be with the hard task of helping you plan a wedding.


You did the smart thing by telling her not to be in the wedding party. Distance yourself from her, ease her into the 'aquantence' catagory and out of the 'friends' list. That way you can be civil when around mutual friends. I have had several people who, when I called them, would not call back or resond to emails. You have to learn to cast them off.

Real friends know how to be honest and respect you. It sounded like she did not. You (and CS) do not need people like that.

Good job putting her to the back of the line. Just move on now.

And let us know what she said!

[Leticia]

Well...
She called me yesterday (while I was at O'lunneys) and told me that she still wanted to do it.

She said that when I had asked her she had looked up everything that had to be done and is ready to be apart of that.

She apologized for not being available and said that she would be there when I needed her.


Basically she sounded honest for the most part about stepping up. I was sort of thrown off when she didn't actually step down and understood that she had been flaky.

Well... now .... I'm gonna give her a chance. I still have my bridesmaids and friends to help me and I'll just .. do this.


There you go.

[Gvac]

You're a good person for giving her a second chance, Teesh, but if she lets you down again do what I do - tell her "I've lost better friends than you" and promptly sever all ties.

[reillyluck]

youre a good phriend, leticia.

My one of my best phriends was supposed to be my maid of honor and kept blowing everything off. the past two years she has become selfish and has let me down constantly. I demoted her to just a bridesmaid because she didnt seemed to thrilled to be the maid of honor, so we agreed that she would be better off as a bridesmaids, because she didnt want to take on the responsiblity. same shit happened after that. so now she is nothing.

i sent her an email expressing how i felt because she just didnt seem to understand when i told her in person and basically she responded back "i love you but if i dont talk to you, have a great wedding". uggh. that set it off for me. now she pretty much is illiminated from the guest list.

I hope everything works out phor you, leticia. you are a great person and i would hate for you to have to go through the emotional disappointment i did. nobody deserves that, especially you.

[scottinnj]

Just from the title I can honestly say its when they quit getting you hookers and giving you sexual services for nothing. I mean, just because a guy runs out of coke and pot doesn't mean the blowjobs have to stop, am I right?

But in your particular situation, she's a cunt, drop her.

[sr71blackbird]

Dump this "friend"!
One of the last things you mention is that in high school, she started dating your boyfriend before you guys broke up and she didn't tell you! That should have been you're first clue. She was using you, and now you see it. You cant go back to trusting her, especially after how she just treated you again with this move which was important to you, and if she was a real friend, she would have understood and calmed your panic. Screw her! Move on and think of this whole thing as a lesson.

[Justice4all]

Well...
She called me yesterday (while I was at O'lunneys) and told me that she still wanted to do it.

She said that when I had asked her she had looked up everything that had to be done and is ready to be apart of that.

She apologized for not being available and said that she would be there when I needed her.


Basically she sounded honest for the most part about stepping up. I was sort of thrown off when she didn't actually step down and understood that she had been flaky.

Well... now .... I'm gonna give her a chance. I still have my bridesmaids and friends to help me and I'll just .. do this.

There you go.


Proof that you are a good and trusting person. But I would keep one good eye on her. If she starts acting up or like she is getting flakey again, I would do what Gvac and Reilly suggest, and that is just sever all ties and work with the people who are around you.

[Leticia]

youre a good phriend, leticia.

My one of my best phriends was supposed to be my maid of honor and kept blowing everything off. the past two years she has become selfish and has let me down constantly. I demoted her to just a bridesmaid because she didnt seemed to thrilled to be the maid of honor, so we agreed that she would be better off as a bridesmaids, because she didnt want to take on the responsiblity. same shit happened after that. so now she is nothing.

i sent her an email expressing how i felt because she just didnt seem to understand when i told her in person and basically she responded back "i love you but if i dont talk to you, have a great wedding". uggh. that set it off for me. now she pretty much is illiminated from the guest list.

I hope everything works out phor you, leticia. you are a great person and i would hate for you to have to go through the emotional disappointment i did. nobody deserves that, especially you.



Wow. I had no Idea you went through the same thing. That really makes me think.

I am absolutely keeping an eye on her. She seemed really honest when she told me she wanted to step up. I'm giving her a chance because I believe in her, or at least want to.



We'll see. So far it's been alright, but then again there's not really anything happenening...


There was one thing she said when I mentioned the bachelorette party... She said that we were gonna have so much fun and we were gonna go from one place to another. Which sort of sounded to me like she just was planning on going bar hopping. Which I don't wan to do. I can do that any other time. NOT at me bachelorette party. Anyway... I don't know what she meant... and that's still a while away.


Thank you guys for being honest with me and helping me out!! :)