What's next?

[Gaia]

Sorry about the length people.

What happens when you have known something (deep down inside) for a long time, but were just too busy making exuses and trying to change the situation to see the real truth?
I guess you could say I had an epiphany recently. Im madly in love with my boyfriend, but it's quite apparent at this stage in the game that neither of us want the same thing.

Sure; we have been in a relationship for years, (August will be 5 years), but I want more, and he is quite content with our current situation. He says that because he is in a commited relationship with me, that THAT in itself is commitment. I think not. Shit or get off the pot. I would NEVER EVER give an ultimatum in this relationship. EVER. There is no room for that, not to mention if we stayed together he would resent the shit out of me more and more everyday. I do so many things for him. In the beginning he did do things for me as well, and loves to help me "remember" that. I constanly go to the store for him, pick up dry cleaning, cook, etc. Yet when I point that out he loves to point out that I nbeed to fold the laundry or maybe something else trivial.

He is a 34 year old boy. He is only concerned about his toys, like his Motorcycle, classic car, and the truck he has already spent thousands on. When I speak to him about this he says: "I like nice things and so do you, I will never STOP having nice things and I will NEVER sell my toys." EDIT: I also want to add, that having the toys is fine, but the money, and time spent on them is truly truly rediculous. If I told you the time and money spent on all you wouldnt believe it. If we were rich it would be fine, but we arent. He explains it away as "preventative" maintenance. Like all new upholstry in his classic car, neon, a $3000 sound system, tint, $3000 rims, new grill, 3 different types of headlights ( it took him 3 different purchases to find ones he liked), there have been tons of other things in the truck too, getting his bike rechromed twice since I have known him and getting thousands and thousands in custom work for his bike is "preventative".

There was also a long period of when he kept telling me he didnt want to marry someone who smoked, I HATED the ultimatum but I could understand him wanting me to be healthy. It took me FOREVER to quit smoking, but I did, for about a month, in the beginning he dismissed it as not "really" quitting because I was still on the patch. That day I took the patch off, and he never mentioned anything again.

I am so sick of EVERYONE asking when we are getting married, my parents are pissed off at me constantly because I am always here and he has made no commitment and its destroying me inside. Every bit of it, from the fact that he knows what I want and plays dumb, to the fact that he wants to act as if he's single and go out with boys until all hours of the night, go to places I dont approve of, and then TRY to lie to me about it. I say try because my mother didnt raise a fool and I ALWAYS trust my gut. I would be willing to let him do whatever, but he doesnt give me what I NEED. I know he was burned bad before me, but I am finding out that the story he told me about that may not be true. He always told me he was with her, was madly in love, they got engaged, then they moved in together. She then said: "Hey, lets move back in with our parents so we can save more $ for the wedding". She broke up with him shortly after. He says there was NO warning AT all; and that she said that his 14 hour days at work were not how she wanted to live her life. I recently started talking to one of his family memebers more than ever (we never really got along) and from what this person tells me, she left him bacause he was being immature and was more worried about his toys. I also know that one day I overheard him tell someone he regretted selling his classic vet (I think) to try and get his ex back. He doesnt know I heard him. Bottom line is, I guess I see the writing on the wall.
We broke up about a month ago, he never called me and that was destrying me inside, to my very core, I went to his place to get something I needed for school, and less than a week later we were together again.

Now I am having the same feelings again, like I know he will never commit, and never give me what I need. Jesus, Im almost 30 and nothing has gotten done...what if I truly want kids? I love him so much it hurts, but its like "you get what you get bitch"....thats almost the feeling. Everything I am stating in this post has been voiced to him over and over and over. I have looked under every rock......

I feel like I have wasted 5 years of my life, I am in school again for the first time in a very long time, and dont really want to deal with the emotions that will come to me when this finally happens. For everyone who knows me personally here they know just how emotional I am. There are other factors going on, but its too much to mention. I mean alot of shit can happen in this time span.

I guess Im asking "what now?"....Im thinking that I will need a new job, my boss has known his family forever, and even though I dont legally live with him, Im always here, and I cant and wont go home to Mom and Dad. As a matter of fact, I had been looking for an apartmnet for the past two weeks and he knows it, and hes not making the connection.
Thinks are just fucked up.....Someone tell me which way is up??

[sailor]

i have two friends who are going thru stuff like this together. they've lived together for a few years and even moved with to a bigger place a few months ago. guys don't like to commit for some strange reason, even when they're monogamous and not looking for anyone else. sorry you're going thru this.

[mdr55]

Trust your instincts. You know what you want to do. You just need the courage to do so.

[Fat_Sunny]

1. Make A Clean And Complete Break NOW. If You Do Not, You Will Be Posting Exactly The Same Post In 2012, Only You Will Have "Lost" 5 More Years. Age 29 Is Still Plenty Young To Start Fresh.

2. Move Out Completely NOW And Get Your Own Place, Even If It Is A Basement Studio.

3. Do NOT Quit Your Job Now. You Have Too Much Going On To Also Go Through The Trauma Of A Job Search. Plus, You Will Probably Use It As An Excuse And Say To Yourself "Well, As Soon As I Get That New Job, I'll Make A Clean Break". Keep The Job Until You Are Moved In To Your Own Place, And Beginning To Feel Independent And Powerful Again. THEN, It Will Be Time To Look For A New Job, And You Will Get A Better Job, Because You Will Be More Confident And Emotionally Stable.

This Is Written To You By Someone Who, Like Your Friend, Is Unable To Put Another Person FIRST, And Therefore Unable To Commit. Guys Like Us Do Not Change Our Stripes, So Please, For Your Sake, End It Now And Start Over.

[lleeder]

I can understand your frustration at putting alot of time and effort into your relationship and feeling like you arent getting the same back. As shitty as it sounds you need to give him an ulitmatum. Guys are very content to keep things statis quo. I know I was. Most times our hands need to be forced. He'll thank you for it later.

As a side note I find in interesting that you wrote that whole thing at his place. Or at least it seemed that way from the tone.

[cougarjake13]

This Is Written To You By Someone Who, Like Your Friend, Is Unable To Put Another Person FIRST, And Therefore Unable To Commit. Guys Like Us Do Not Change Our Stripes, So Please, For Your Sake, End It Now And Start Over.

i have to disagree with your last statement

i was once that immature, wanted the realtionship but not the commitment, rather hang out with friends, sports loving beer drinking kinda guy

any chick i may have been dating was subject to this and all my insane philosophies on life, relationships, etc. and there were a few that i felt really strong about, maybe even loved but my head just wasnt in it i guess

turns out they werent the right ones b/c the chick i'm with now, whom i'm marrying later this month put up with that shit and was everything i was looking for and wanted and i made the steps necessary to be the man and grow up before i lost the best thing in my life

so i dont know if gaia's guy is or could be that kinda guy that changes his stripes but 5 yrs and no progress isnt a good sign

even before i made the full transformation there were times along the way where i was making an effort to change, if he hasnt made any efforts in that regard then it might be time to move on

[Fat_Sunny]

i have to disagree with your last statement

i was once that immature, wanted the realtionship but not the commitment, rather hang out with friends, sports loving beer drinking kinda guy

Were You A 34 Year Old Boy (Her Words)?

and i made the steps necessary to be the man and grow up before i lost the best thing in my life

You DID; He DIDN'T.

[nwm]

It is obvoius that he is not right for you. Why is it that women need a damn title to feel content in there lives. Getting married does not change how you feel towards some one. In this day and age men don't want to commit because it is to damn expensive. Besides is there any such thing as a person who does not cheat in some manner.

[sailor]

Were You A 34 Year Old Boy (Her Words)?



You DID; He DIDN'T.

you said we/he never change. jake was saying we/he can. only gaia can tell which of these groups her guy falls into.

[Fat_Sunny]

you said we/he never change. jake was saying we/he can. only gaia can tell which of these groups her guy falls into.

Well, If A Guy Is Age 25 And Sewing His Wild Oats, It Is Totally Normal. When A Guy Is 34 And Unwilling To Marry A Woman He Has Been With For 5 Years, Then He Almost Certainly Falls Into The "Type" F_S Refers To.

[Gaia]

It is obvoius that he is not right for you. Why is it that women need a damn title to feel content in there lives. Getting married does not change how you feel towards some one. In this day and age men don't want to commit because it is to damn expensive. Besides is there any such thing as a person who does not cheat in some manner.

Its not the title. Believe me. and the expensive thing...Im the one working part time, going to school full time and giving him money, which is my own fucking fault (although in the beginning he gave me tons of money to help me out of a fucked up situation). He's the one making the big bucks, but paying down any "remaining Debt" to get a house... So he uses all his money to p[ay his bills, and support his habits with his toys. The whole cheating thing, I guess your right, thats why I have no faith in anyone or anything.
I know he has TRIED to change at times, but when one thing gets better, an old issue or a totally new one pops up and im like : "What the fuck, maaaannn??!!!"

[cougarjake13]

Were You A 34 Year Old Boy (Her Words)?



well at the time i was 26

[Gvac]

he has made no commitment and its destroying me inside.

To me that's the most telling line of the entire post.

The choice is simple; finding the courage and fortitude to follow through with it is not.

I wish you the best, Gaia. You deserve nothing less.

[JPMNICK]

Gaia, if someone else had posted this, and you were to respond, what do you think you would say.

I have a feeling you would tell that girl to get out of the relationship and move on. There is no reason to stay with him, he is not doing anything for you, and you 2 are not saving for a future. I could see if he did not want to get married, but saved his money to buy a nice house one day or retire early. but to be spending it on cars and motorcycles at his age really means he is self-centered, and that is not someone who you want to be with.

my advice would to be to get out, but only if you think you will be able to not have any contact with him at all. cause if not, you will leave, and the you 2 will still talk, eventually get back together, and you will be in a worse situation than you are in now. I think you need to get the strength to do it, and just get it done. I know, easier said than done, but I think deep down you know it is the right thing to do for yourself. And don't start smoking again!

[Gaia]

i have to disagree with your last statement

i was once that immature, wanted the realtionship but not the commitment, rather hang out with friends, sports loving beer drinking kinda guy

any chick i may have been dating was subject to this and all my insane philosophies on life, relationships, etc. and there were a few that i felt really strong about, maybe even loved but my head just wasnt in it i guess

turns out they werent the right ones b/c the chick i'm with now, whom i'm marrying later this month put up with that shit and was everything i was looking for and wanted and i made the steps necessary to be the man and grow up before i lost the best thing in my life

so i dont know if gaia's guy is or could be that kinda guy that changes his stripes but 5 yrs and no progress isnt a good sign

even before i made the full transformation there were times along the way where i was making an effort to change, if he hasnt made any efforts in that regard then it might be time to move on


I wish he was the sports loving beer kinda guy! Instead he is the I have no money for "us" or you, but I do have money for my toys, dirty russian strippers, buying pitcher after pitcher and round after round fro my friends, and , spending 10 hours out at night, while My girl is at home waiting for me and ready to always give me some ass, a massage, cook dinner for me, all while I said I would be home in 3 to 4 hours and I SAY I'm just going to hooters to have some wings and beer and promised my girl that if the plans for the night were to change I will call her and let her know I wont be home for a long time so she doesnt think Im dead somewhere, while I then get totally fucking polluted and drive home. Thats the type of guy he has proven to be, and yes Im fucking bitter, because I give him the respect I feel he deserves. When I go out, I call him numerous times through the night to say Im ok, and now we are going to this place or that place. He tells me that I dont have to call him at ALL when I go out, but thats not how I operate.

[RogerPodacter]

Gaia, I am the "boyfriend" in your situation. Right before our 6 year anniversery my girl broke up with me saying "shit or get off the pot" (her exact words). I was shocked at first because I was completely content with our situation and happy with her, I just didnt want to get married. Granted I was only 25 and I still think that was too young. But it shows how women think compared to men. I thought we had the perfect relationship, things in common, got along great, etc. I never cheated, at all. And i didnt go out with the guys, etc, we usually hung out with the same people and did the same stuff together. But she thought she was wasting 6 years of her life because there was no talk of marriage. Although I was too young, I kinda dropped the ball by not even talking about the future.

We broke up 2 years ago, and still talk all the time. We had a chance to get back together but it would have required me to move back to Philly, which wasnt in my best interest of my career at this point. I think we were made for each other and she thinks/thought that as well, but now I'm here and she's there. If you think this guy is a once in a lifetime find, keep that in mind when deciding to move on from him.

Just my experience.

[Chainsaw]

you know the answer to your own question. It's just a reality that's not always easy to face.

When you find someone that's as motivated towardt the relationship as you are and has similar viewpoints on money, work, etc...you'll never face the "destruction" you are feeling inside.

I just broke up with someone who i'd been dating for 2 years. The reason I'm not too upset about it is that i focused on all the things I have instead of what I don't have. You're starting school (i'm assuming for a new career)...you've got the world at your fingertips...

[Gaia]

you know the answer to your own question. It's just a reality that's not always easy to face.

When you find someone that's as motivated towardt the relationship as you are and has similar viewpoints on money, work, etc...you'll never face the "destruction" you are feeling inside.

I just broke up with someone who i'd been dating for 2 years. The reason I'm not too upset about it is that i focused on all the things I have instead of what I don't have. You're starting school (i'm assuming for a new career)...you've got the world at your fingertips...

Wow, thats a play on words, I'm going to school for massage therapy........stop freaking me out.

[Don Stugots]

Wow, thats a play on words, I'm going to school for massage therapy........stop freaking me out.

do you need someone to practice on? i could use a rub.

[JPMNICK]

the more i read, the more I think that you need to get out ASAP. you have somewhere else to live, pack ALL your shit and leave, do not leave anything behind "by mistake" so that you have to go back. leave the keys with him and just go

[Bulldogcakes]

We broke up about a month ago, he never called me and that was destrying me inside, to my very core, I went to his place to get something I needed for school, and less than a week later we were together again.


Ouch. That tells me all I need to know.



One more thing. The line forms to the right, fellas. :wink:

[RoseBlood]

the more i read, the more I think that you need to get out ASAP. you have somewhere else to live, pack ALL your shit and leave, do not leave anything behind "by mistake" so that you have to go back. leave the keys with him and just go


Best advice! That is what I did and no matter what you may have forgotten from his place, just leave it, it's not worth going back to get especially at the beginning of a break up when you are feeling vulnerable.

[JesterOfSadness]

the more i read, the more I think that you need to get out ASAP. you have somewhere else to live, pack ALL your shit and leave, do not leave anything behind "by mistake" so that you have to go back. leave the keys with him and just go

And then live with me, as we shall watch Shin-Chan until the world ends.

[Gaia]

And then live with me, as we shall watch Shin-Chan until the world ends.

That sounds like fun, dont tempt me... :P

[Jennitalia]

time to move on. youre going through an awsome time in your life, approaching a new decade, new career, that i'm sure you're going to just love as much as i do, you have so many possibilites. letting go is the hardest, but once it's done, you really will have a sense of relief. there's somebody out there that is so derserivng of all you are and all you can offer him

i have to practice my kata 1 now

[K.C.]

I'd just be honest...I'd sit down and have 'one of those' discussions that take hours, where you just lay out all your concerns about your life and where you want to be and where you see yourself and him going down the line.

And then let him tell you his.

I wouldn't necessarily give him an ultimatum, but I'd listen to everything he says, and tell him everything on your mind. Then take some time to assess it and then decide if it's something that you can live with or not. If it isn't, then maybe you need really think about what's happening.

[Bulldogcakes]

What's next?

You enter a wild phase, having just come out of a long term relationship and enter a period of being down on relationships in general. You start going through board members, male and female, like pitchers of iced tea on a hot summer's day. You do this for about a year, and then eventually get tired of all the sex, drugs and booze. You then decide to settle down with a middle aged client from your massage business, and live happily ever after.

Or you could just start collecting cats.

[furie]

Sorry about the length people.


He is a 34 year old boy. He is only concerned about his toys, like his Motorcycle, classic car, and the truck he has already spent thousands on. When I speak to him about this he says: "I like nice things and so do you, I will never STOP having nice things and I will NEVER sell my toys." EDIT: I also want to add, that having the toys is fine, but the money, and time spent on them is truly truly rediculous. If I told you the time and money spent on all you wouldnt believe it. If we were rich it would be fine, but we arent. He explains it away as "preventative" maintenance. Like all new upholstry in his classic car, neon, a $3000 sound system, tint, $3000 rims, new grill, 3 different types of headlights ( it took him 3 different purchases to find ones he liked), there have been tons of other things in the truck too, getting his bike rechromed twice since I have known him and getting thousands and thousands in custom work for his bike is "preventative".

Sorry, but he sounds like a prick

[Friday]

I have to agree with Furie. Besides, he has good taste in Xmas decorations.

And I also have to agree with Fat_Sunny. As someone who doesn't feel any overwhelming urge to get married, I would say that if he has already expressed to you that this is as far as he can go commitment wise, then I would believe him. Some people just are not looking to sign themselves over legally to another person. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, but if this is important to you... if kids are important... then you should get out. A leopard cannot change his spots.
You are way too beautiful and intelligent to spend all of your time waiting for someone who does not want what YOU want.

One thing though.......No regrets. Every day we live shapes who we are and helps us to grow.

[FUNKMAN]

Move On, Be Civil, Fuck Alot

seems to work

[Justice4all]

Gaia, after reading all these responses I think you can put alot of these together and they all pretty much spell out the same thing. And that is, from YOUR standpoint the relationship is still live, albiet on life support, but to him, it's a dead issue.

This is not the first time you have brought yor trouble with the relationship to this board. If I am not mistaken it was less then a year ago that you were worried about things going south in the love/romance/passion department.
From what I gathered it sounds like this guy liked to spend money on the things that mattered to him most, try to impress his friends, and fucked around on you ALOT.
He reeks of scum like a garbage heap.
I saw a few comments that really struck me as right on:

lleeder: I can understand your frustration at putting alot of time and effort into your relationship and feeling like you arent getting the same back. As shitty as it sounds you need to give him an ulitmatum. Guys are very content to keep things statis quo. I know I was. Most times our hands need to be forced. He'll thank you for it later.


I disagree, I was forced into the 'shit or get off the pot' mode when I was going with my ex wife, and that turned out to be a disasater. If a guy wants to be with a woman, he will do it because he WANTS to, not by being forced to.

JPMNICK: Gaia, if someone else had posted this, and you were to respond, what do you think you would say.

I have a feeling you would tell that girl to get out of the relationship and move on. There is no reason to stay with him, he is not doing anything for you, and you 2 are not saving for a future. I could see if he did not want to get married, but saved his money to buy a nice house one day or retire early. but to be spending it on cars and motorcycles at his age really means he is self-centered, and that is not someone who you want to be with.

Nick that first part of your response was, IMHO, brilliant.
That is the question that you need to ask yourself Gaia.
But the worst part is, when you are in the middle of that relationship it is hard to look from the outside like you would for a friend.

Gaia: I wish he was the sports loving beer kinda guy! Instead he is the I have no money for "us" or you, but I do have money for my toys, dirty russian strippers, buying pitcher after pitcher and round after round fro my friends, and , spending 10 hours out at night, while My girl is at home waiting for me and ready to always give me some ass, a massage, cook dinner for me, all while I said I would be home in 3 to 4 hours and I SAY I'm just going to hooters to have some wings and beer and promised my girl that if the plans for the night were to change I will call her and let her know I wont be home for a long time so she doesnt think Im dead somewhere, while I then get totally fucking polluted and drive home. Thats the type of guy he has proven to be, and yes Im fucking bitter, because I give him the respect I feel he deserves. When I go out, I call him numerous times through the night to say Im ok, and now we are going to this place or that place. He tells me that I dont have to call him at ALL when I go out, but thats not how I operate.

Gaia, this sums it up.
Your man is cheating on you, spending time with his friends instead of with you. Spending money on his toys and pretty much letting you fend for yourself. Emotionally and physically.

As much as this sucks to hear, and it WILL suck, you have to chalk this up to a loss and find a man who is willing to treat you the way you would treat him. You are in a one sided relationship. All his side. You are his slave. There is no other way to put it.

But you have the strength and foresight to get out and start fresh. Many of us know you can do it.

There are many guys who, when they see a great thing in front of them, make the steps to change for the better because they know the future lies with YOU (or whoever they would be dating). My new brother-in-law is a testiment to that. He finished school and got a great job so he knew he would support my sister in every way she needed.

And yes there are many men who, when they find their 'comfort zone' just sit back and be a boy. You need a man, someone who will respect you and respect your views and the desires of your heart.

It is time to move on, and FAST. Like yesterday fast.
See if you have a friend you can move in with for a short time while you go apartment hunting. Put your stuff in storage. Do the whole 'move out while he is at work' thing. Let him come home to an empty apartment. And DO NOT respond to any phone calls or emails or anything. Just consider him dead and go on.
It will not be easy, even for a few months. But you are a beautiful and smart and still young. you have a LOOONG life to lead still.
You owe this to yourself as well as to all the people who care about you. They want you to be as happy as you want to be.

furie said it best about this guy
Sorry, but he sounds like a prick

Perfect.

now good luck. You can do it, surround yourself with friend and people who truly love you, and you will get thru this in NO time.

[Gaia]

I'd just be honest...I'd sit down and have 'one of those' discussions that take hours, where you just lay out all your concerns about your life and where you want to be and where you see yourself and him going down the line.

And then let him tell you his.

I wouldn't necessarily give him an ultimatum, but I'd listen to everything he says, and tell him everything on your mind. Then take some time to assess it and then decide if it's something that you can live with or not. If it isn't, then maybe you need really think about what's happening.


So I did this last night, after 3 hours of venting, he says what he said the last time we broke up, which was exactly this: " I love you, I will always love you and I dont want this. It's obvious you made up your mind already and I cannot change it. " Thats it, 5 years and that's what he fucking comes up with. Unreal.

He also said: " What do you want? Do you want to go get married tommorrow at the town hall!?" I laughed at him. please, thats just so romantic I cant even begin to tell you. I said that is not how I want my "wedding day" to be, me feeling like I twisted your arm and you serving me divorce papers in 5 years. No fucking way. I have told him and will tell him, If I get married, it will be ONCE. I told him he may have just as well slapped me in the face. He didnt get it. He never gets it.
He also said he doesnt want me to get an apartment. I know even if we stayed together, and I moved to the next county over (closer to school), he would NEVER EVER come to see me. Im basing that on when I stayed more at my parents house, he never came to see me, I always had to go to him, ALWAYS. No matter what. That was only a 20 minute drive. Then; as he totally misses the point, he says: "fine, is that what you want?? You go stay at your parents and I will come pick you up on dates." How will that happen when you have no money!!??? Fucking Jerk.

End result was that I'm crazy, I have "too many emotions" and HE NEEDS TO HAVE THINGS IN ORDER. Which is the same song and dance years ago that he gave me. When all those things fell into place I figured he would make good. Now there is a WHOLE NEW list of things that have to be in order. "I need a house, I need this, I need that". All him. Then he said that he has no money for a ring. Oh well. I guess I got my answer. Funny thing is he still has the setting from his ex's engagement ring. I called him on that too. "what the fuck are you still doing with the ring??? " His response: " What can I do with it"? ME: "SELL THE FUCKING THING!!! SHE'S NOT COMING BACK!!!!!
Sad part is he is so blind and vacant that he thinks things are resolved, he has no idea. I JUST REALIZED THAT AFTER 3 HOURS AND US GOING IN CIRCLES, IT WAS THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER. I dont mean to sound bitter, but if I paid for it; it's coming with me. He thinks that this song and dance will keep me "quite" for a bit. It will, but only until I find a place. Then he'll never have to hear me again. Exuses. Thats all it is.

I am so angry right now. So goddamn angry. He knows I just want to be happy and in love. I tell him; in the end, all those possessions and nice cars etc. cannot come with you, they wont keep you warm at night. He totally went over that. Thats how he defines himself, his nice cars and the job where hell be making really good money in several years. Thats all.

We spoke about so much, and nothing was really said at all, he made fun of me because he knows I want love and everything else will come after, he said, "well you go find some hippie to love you while you live in a van". All because I told him I would rather be dirt poor and not have anything but a man next to me that I KNOP loves me.


Honestly there was so much vented in that 3 hours I couldnt even begin to tell you guys all of what was said. But he left here today like shit was just peachy...."bye baby"......yeah; "Bye."

[Don Stugots]

stay strong, dont back down from what you want and need.

[TheGameHHH]

gaia, you gotta let this relationship go......its not healthy for you. mentally and emotionally you desire much more.

[mildly amusing]

it's best to let the relationship die...it's gonna hurt for a while, but every day that goes by will hurt less and less and then one day you'll wake up and wonder why you made such a fuss over a jerk off who never had your interests in his heart...

[K.C.]

So I did this last night, after 3 hours of venting, he says what he said the last time we broke up, which was exactly this: " I love you, I will always love you and I dont want this. It's obvious you made up your mind already and I cannot change it. " Thats it, 5 years and that's what he fucking comes up with. Unreal.

He also said: " What do you want? Do you want to go get married tommorrow at the town hall!?" I laughed at him. please, thats just so romantic I cant even begin to tell you. I said that is not how I want my "wedding day" to be, me feeling like I twisted your arm and you serving me divorce papers in 5 years. No fucking way. I have told him and will tell him, If I get married, it will be ONCE. I told him he may have just as well slapped me in the face. He didnt get it. He never gets it.
He also said he doesnt want me to get an apartment. I know even if we stayed together, and I moved to the next county over (closer to school), he would NEVER EVER come to see me. Im basing that on when I stayed more at my parents house, he never came to see me, I always had to go to him, ALWAYS. No matter what. That was only a 20 minute drive. Then; as he totally misses the point, he says: "fine, is that what you want?? You go stay at your parents and I will come pick you up on dates." How will that happen when you have no money!!??? Fucking Jerk.

End result was that I'm crazy, I have "too many emotions" and HE NEEDS TO HAVE THINGS IN ORDER. Which is the same song and dance years ago that he gave me. When all those things fell into place I figured he would make good. Now there is a WHOLE NEW list of things that have to be in order. "I need a house, I need this, I need that". All him. Then he said that he has no money for a ring. Oh well. I guess I got my answer. Funny thing is he still has the setting from his ex's engagement ring. I called him on that too. "what the fuck are you still doing with the ring??? " His response: " What can I do with it"? ME: "SELL THE FUCKING THING!!! SHE'S NOT COMING BACK!!!!!
Sad part is he is so blind and vacant that he thinks things are resolved, he has no idea. I JUST REALIZED THAT AFTER 3 HOURS AND US GOING IN CIRCLES, IT WAS THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER. I dont mean to sound bitter, but if I paid for it; it's coming with me. He thinks that this song and dance will keep me "quite" for a bit. It will, but only until I find a place. Then he'll never have to hear me again. Exuses. Thats all it is.

I am so angry right now. So goddamn angry. He knows I just want to be happy and in love. I tell him; in the end, all those possessions and nice cars etc. cannot come with you, they wont keep you warm at night. He totally went over that. Thats how he defines himself, his nice cars and the job where hell be making really good money in several years. Thats all.

We spoke about so much, and nothing was really said at all, he made fun of me because he knows I want love and everything else will come after, he said, "well you go find some hippie to love you while you live in a van". All because I told him I would rather be dirt poor and not have anything but a man next to me that I KNOP loves me.


Honestly there was so much vented in that 3 hours I couldnt even begin to tell you guys all of what was said. But he left here today like shit was just peachy...."bye baby"......yeah; "Bye."


Ouch...doesn't sound like that conversation could have felt too good.

But at least it's all out there. Sounds like what you need to decide now is:
-do you think he'll make good on the marriage thing when he 'takes care of his stuff'
-if not, would you be content with the way things are?

If the answer is no, then you need to find out what will make you happy and whether that can be acheived with him.

[Bulldogcakes]

After reading that 2nd post, I must tell you that the stuff you two have gone through is pretty typical male/female shit. He just sounds a little more dense than the average guy, and you sound like you want him to be something he's not. People don't change, they are who they are for a whole lot of reasons that started the day they were born. Just something to consider for the future.

[Bill From Yorktown]

some good may come of sticking it out, but I have to agree with the majority - he's a lost cause. Pick yourself up and get on with your life. There's better out there.