Kathleen From The Bronx
09-04-2007, 06:39 PM
Dear Ron and Fez Shooow,
So you're back from vacay...Yeah, I'm goin with saying, "vacay," just like Fezzie.... Dudes...I laughed when Ronnie asked Fez, with a touch o' disgust, "What is your problem with sayin, 'tion?' "
I know right...!!? What, are we all in such a hurry? I guess I am... Sometimes I say, "Unfortch," insteada unfortunately.... People seem to hate that too! So I shan't ever give it up! I may banish all "tions," and, "ables," from the kingdom.....Not today, it will take conscientious practice and time....Anyway.... I laughed again when after that reprimand, Ron goes, "So yeah... we are back from vay...." Vay... Heh heeehh.....
So you guys are back.... I'm glad... I missed yez... though I feel a little guilty sayin such a thing!!! The end of vacation feels like the pits!! You know what? Even after all these years of being gloriously school-free, I still get the uncomfortable...I mean, uncomf... You know that ooginess at this time of year. I get the pangs of knowing that Summer's over for the kiddies...Yuck....
Ew, that night before, havin to go to sleep all early with dumb new backpacks full of school supplies waiting by the door....Euuuugh... Thanks for cutting my bangs too short, Moms! This year is gonna start off friggin fantastic with these ironic bangs of mine..... Wonderful....Yikes...
Yeah, you guys kinda brought all that up today.. that odd dread never zactly goes away even after you grow up..... I guess it's ingrained...
Man, I start feeling time fleeting after The Fourth of July.....probably cause somebody in my family used to say all the time, "After the 4th, the Summer just fliiies..." Is that something a kid needs to hear in the midst of their Summertime fun??? The answer is: NO!!!
I start feelin the end of Summer creepiness once the back-to-school ads are everywhere...so early....so premature.... I should not even start preaching on the damage that is done to any feeling of freedom a little person might have, once ya watch one of those Country Time Lemonade commercials! Damn them...
I would be lazily watching The Price Is Right or re-runs of Bewitched or something one day mid-vacation, wastin time....wastin time......and would be suddenly gripped by sheer panic once one of those Country Time commercials reared their homespun heads!
They'd always stress how Summer was dwindling away..."Summer is only so many days.."..while some cloying, twangy tune played... accompanying scenes... all golden and sun drenched...porches and rocking chairs...kids skipping through fields of wild flowers......the ole tire swing.... a day by the lake..... You know, all that shit... I wonder how many kids like me would race over and snatch the calendar right off the refrigerator with alarm, counting how many days actually remained...like, "Oh no! I better get out there!!"
The even stupider thing about all this is, what the hell did any of those hazy, sunlit representations have to do with me??? I've never sailed across the sky on a rope swing down by the fishin' crick..... Substitute open fire hydrants and thick, humid air filled with bus fumes for my Kool-Aid commercial...... Whatever... It felt better than being in school! I mean this Summer I've done precious little Summery activities...so what is my problem? It's business as usual here at headquarters no matter the season.....Why lament the passing dog days??....And also let me not act like shit was so bleak as a kid so my mother won't weep. Geez.. I mean sometimes we did go to see my Long Island cousins... and there was an above ground pool then and beers in the woods.... So yeah...
This reminds me... Ron brought up an excellent point... "You know in Europe they don't make their children sit outside and drink like animals!!" Drinking up in the park or out in the woods feels like any season of the year when I was a teenager....I loved Ron's story of rolling a keg through the woods wondering if it would stay cold...... Yeah.... Kegs......
Kegs used to feel mighty special! "A keg, you say?? Yeah we'll be there...." There were so many times my friends and I would roll up to some scrounged-for keg...and stay perched right there until that fucker floated....as if we felt it was our duty..... Once all that was left to pump was foam and air, adios amigos and it was nice knowin ya.......
Now this keg situation is one reason of many....many, many.... why I could never be friends with someone exactly like me.... Who needs that shit? Why do you think all beer belongs to you... Nobody needs a chum who chills by the keg the entire time.... Who needs another person around who feels no need to mix n mingle? A person who might yell, "What have we not met? You invited me!! Do you not see that there's a keg sittin here...???" Priorities! See??! What the hell?
Yeah... Fezzie brought up that question today that was posed here on ronfez.net.... a very interesting question to me....Could you be friends with a person that was exactly like you?? My young lust for free keg beer is one reason that I'd scream, "NO!" No, no,no,no,noooo..... I'm not inviting that, "Other Me," to the party!
Fezzie was sayin that he thinks most people hate themselves......and for real, I know so many people who do...ranging from a leeetle ounce of self-hatred to gigantic proportions. I don't haaaate myself... but.... I dare say I am generally annoyed with me for the most part.
I swear to God, the conversations that go on with myself are aggravating enough without actually having to conduct them with another me... who would be spouting off the same lunacy!!! I mean Heaven only knows why I share them wit you, Ron and Fez Show... Hold yourself cause you might shudder hard here... but what if the Other Me suddenly started writing you all this kinda stuff everyday??? Oh the humanity....
At first I was tempted, of course without truly considering, to say, "Why yes....I'd love to hang out with me!" I could finally have another person who knows what actual pizza is supposed to taste like.... We could bitch about the dearth of it for days, here in the 'burbs! It would seem lovely to be able to talk about every little detail of Wes Anderson movies and toss about movie quotes all the live-long day....but it even that would wear thin. I mean.... I could only put up with so much before I'd start to feel like Other Me was copying all my moves.....
Our hang seshs would always come to a head with me bellowing at other me, "Get your own gimmick!!! I'M the one who screams in peoples' faces!!!! That's MY thing!!!" or, "SO WHAT??! You think you can quote Bill Murray??? Guess who else can?! ME!!!!!!!!" or, "Get a JOB!!" Ugh....
The fact of the matter is... me remaining friends with Other Me would never last..... First of all...if Other Me is anything like me, which...hello..of course she is, then we wouldn't be too great at keeping in touch in the first place. I mean, I am a little phone-phobic.... I never call anyone. I believe this irritating non-inclination of mine is rooted in my childhood, of course....
When I was a kid, if the phone was ever to ring in the middle of dinner, my father would slam his fist on the table, "Who would call now??!? This is when people eat dinner!!!!!" as if everyone in the world sits down at some specific time...... I mean, MY family didn't sit down at a designated time... so ya know..... no need to feel so persecuted, Pops.... Eesh.... I imagine that's where some of my reluctance to call people is rooted in though....
I don't want to call during dinner.... or when someone's busy..... I don't want em to yell and shake all the plates on the table!!! So.... I imagine Other Me would have some dumb shit like that controlling her dialing fingers too.... and we would just never talk.... We'd just drift apart after years and years of non-communication....... I might wonder how that Other bitch is doin.....but then I'd put that phone down and think, " Nahhh... I'll wait til she wants to gimme a call..."...and son on. It's kinda a relief to tell you the truth! Other Me rambles on and on.... Oy! (slaps forehead, rolls eyes)...
So anyway, with all the self-hate talk....of which I was sad to hear, cause Fez is the greatest..... Ron said that Fezzielou should write it all down to himself and read it tomorrow...... That's a really good idea though, cause I bet all the shit you tell yourself, you would never say to another human being...or at least not so freely.. To see it on paper might help to cease that kinda talk..a little bit at least. I just hope Fezzie is not too mean to Fez in this, "Hate letter," as he called it..... Cause I can't fucking stand peoples sayin mean shit to Fez.....uhhh...even if it's Fez talking to Other Fez..... OK, you know what I mean... It's just gettin confusing so I better stop talkin bout this!
It's just like Ronnie said, "As I always say, 'Pobody's nerfect!' and then we lauuuugh and lauuughhh!" Straight up man.... that's the deal.... Ain't no time to hate....... yourself!
Annnnyway.... you were talkin about the upcoming Unmaskeds!! The ones that I've seen have been so bad ass....Amazing stuff.... I know these will be so, as well. Ron and Fez Show, I put in my requests to see Brian Regan here in D.C.... I know it will be fuckin killa... I don't wanna miss it if you, Ronnie B., make him cry....or if he tells you what he has for breakfast!! I wish I could be there for the Jeff Garlin one up in NYC too! Ahhh well...... I'd just love to be there to see....if nothing else...to see if Ron really would sing, "Ohhh Jeff Garlin, Oooh Jeff Garlin....oOOooH Jeff Garlin...." to him.... in the style of, Oh My Darling Clementine...like some ole miner, 49er......
....I've been goin around my house singin that lil ditty all day.... You might be shocked and disgusted to know how much time I spent tryin to rhyme something topical and relevant to Jeff Garlin with, "Clementine," I eventually gave up... All I could think of was Richard Kind....or Cheryl Hines.....Curb Your Enthusiasm, yes....but still.... fuckin senseless.....!!!
Hmmm....Ok then... I guess I better let yez go....... Peace out!
Signed,
kathleen from the bronx :):):)
PS- Hey! Remember when yez were acting like maybe I was making fun of you with the whole, "Dear Ron and Fez Shooow," thing??!? Since when is a drawn out last syllable a sign of mockery??? NO!
Hey, am I the only one here who cares for and quotes from, "About Schmidt??" Am I the only one who makes veiled references to Warren R. Schmidt's letter writing???? "Dear Nduguuuuu," See?? SEE??
I think, "Dear Ron and Fez Shooow," as I write to you on my yellow legal pad..??? Am I alone here?? AM I??! I thought that you always knew that I fondly thought of you guys as my sponsered children in Africa....... my lil African foster children!! Ahhhh geeez....... I guess I should have explained......Well, actually I guess I should have known that you might not hear my writing like I do in my head.... You know... I had been arguing with Other Me about this, and she's like, "YEAH.. I'm SOOO sure About Schmidt is still relevant....What is this like 2002??" Well, I bet I don't need to tell ya, I'm not gonna call her up and tell that one she's right! She glooooats.......
Bye again.... :):):)
So you're back from vacay...Yeah, I'm goin with saying, "vacay," just like Fezzie.... Dudes...I laughed when Ronnie asked Fez, with a touch o' disgust, "What is your problem with sayin, 'tion?' "
I know right...!!? What, are we all in such a hurry? I guess I am... Sometimes I say, "Unfortch," insteada unfortunately.... People seem to hate that too! So I shan't ever give it up! I may banish all "tions," and, "ables," from the kingdom.....Not today, it will take conscientious practice and time....Anyway.... I laughed again when after that reprimand, Ron goes, "So yeah... we are back from vay...." Vay... Heh heeehh.....
So you guys are back.... I'm glad... I missed yez... though I feel a little guilty sayin such a thing!!! The end of vacation feels like the pits!! You know what? Even after all these years of being gloriously school-free, I still get the uncomfortable...I mean, uncomf... You know that ooginess at this time of year. I get the pangs of knowing that Summer's over for the kiddies...Yuck....
Ew, that night before, havin to go to sleep all early with dumb new backpacks full of school supplies waiting by the door....Euuuugh... Thanks for cutting my bangs too short, Moms! This year is gonna start off friggin fantastic with these ironic bangs of mine..... Wonderful....Yikes...
Yeah, you guys kinda brought all that up today.. that odd dread never zactly goes away even after you grow up..... I guess it's ingrained...
Man, I start feeling time fleeting after The Fourth of July.....probably cause somebody in my family used to say all the time, "After the 4th, the Summer just fliiies..." Is that something a kid needs to hear in the midst of their Summertime fun??? The answer is: NO!!!
I start feelin the end of Summer creepiness once the back-to-school ads are everywhere...so early....so premature.... I should not even start preaching on the damage that is done to any feeling of freedom a little person might have, once ya watch one of those Country Time Lemonade commercials! Damn them...
I would be lazily watching The Price Is Right or re-runs of Bewitched or something one day mid-vacation, wastin time....wastin time......and would be suddenly gripped by sheer panic once one of those Country Time commercials reared their homespun heads!
They'd always stress how Summer was dwindling away..."Summer is only so many days.."..while some cloying, twangy tune played... accompanying scenes... all golden and sun drenched...porches and rocking chairs...kids skipping through fields of wild flowers......the ole tire swing.... a day by the lake..... You know, all that shit... I wonder how many kids like me would race over and snatch the calendar right off the refrigerator with alarm, counting how many days actually remained...like, "Oh no! I better get out there!!"
The even stupider thing about all this is, what the hell did any of those hazy, sunlit representations have to do with me??? I've never sailed across the sky on a rope swing down by the fishin' crick..... Substitute open fire hydrants and thick, humid air filled with bus fumes for my Kool-Aid commercial...... Whatever... It felt better than being in school! I mean this Summer I've done precious little Summery activities...so what is my problem? It's business as usual here at headquarters no matter the season.....Why lament the passing dog days??....And also let me not act like shit was so bleak as a kid so my mother won't weep. Geez.. I mean sometimes we did go to see my Long Island cousins... and there was an above ground pool then and beers in the woods.... So yeah...
This reminds me... Ron brought up an excellent point... "You know in Europe they don't make their children sit outside and drink like animals!!" Drinking up in the park or out in the woods feels like any season of the year when I was a teenager....I loved Ron's story of rolling a keg through the woods wondering if it would stay cold...... Yeah.... Kegs......
Kegs used to feel mighty special! "A keg, you say?? Yeah we'll be there...." There were so many times my friends and I would roll up to some scrounged-for keg...and stay perched right there until that fucker floated....as if we felt it was our duty..... Once all that was left to pump was foam and air, adios amigos and it was nice knowin ya.......
Now this keg situation is one reason of many....many, many.... why I could never be friends with someone exactly like me.... Who needs that shit? Why do you think all beer belongs to you... Nobody needs a chum who chills by the keg the entire time.... Who needs another person around who feels no need to mix n mingle? A person who might yell, "What have we not met? You invited me!! Do you not see that there's a keg sittin here...???" Priorities! See??! What the hell?
Yeah... Fezzie brought up that question today that was posed here on ronfez.net.... a very interesting question to me....Could you be friends with a person that was exactly like you?? My young lust for free keg beer is one reason that I'd scream, "NO!" No, no,no,no,noooo..... I'm not inviting that, "Other Me," to the party!
Fezzie was sayin that he thinks most people hate themselves......and for real, I know so many people who do...ranging from a leeetle ounce of self-hatred to gigantic proportions. I don't haaaate myself... but.... I dare say I am generally annoyed with me for the most part.
I swear to God, the conversations that go on with myself are aggravating enough without actually having to conduct them with another me... who would be spouting off the same lunacy!!! I mean Heaven only knows why I share them wit you, Ron and Fez Show... Hold yourself cause you might shudder hard here... but what if the Other Me suddenly started writing you all this kinda stuff everyday??? Oh the humanity....
At first I was tempted, of course without truly considering, to say, "Why yes....I'd love to hang out with me!" I could finally have another person who knows what actual pizza is supposed to taste like.... We could bitch about the dearth of it for days, here in the 'burbs! It would seem lovely to be able to talk about every little detail of Wes Anderson movies and toss about movie quotes all the live-long day....but it even that would wear thin. I mean.... I could only put up with so much before I'd start to feel like Other Me was copying all my moves.....
Our hang seshs would always come to a head with me bellowing at other me, "Get your own gimmick!!! I'M the one who screams in peoples' faces!!!! That's MY thing!!!" or, "SO WHAT??! You think you can quote Bill Murray??? Guess who else can?! ME!!!!!!!!" or, "Get a JOB!!" Ugh....
The fact of the matter is... me remaining friends with Other Me would never last..... First of all...if Other Me is anything like me, which...hello..of course she is, then we wouldn't be too great at keeping in touch in the first place. I mean, I am a little phone-phobic.... I never call anyone. I believe this irritating non-inclination of mine is rooted in my childhood, of course....
When I was a kid, if the phone was ever to ring in the middle of dinner, my father would slam his fist on the table, "Who would call now??!? This is when people eat dinner!!!!!" as if everyone in the world sits down at some specific time...... I mean, MY family didn't sit down at a designated time... so ya know..... no need to feel so persecuted, Pops.... Eesh.... I imagine that's where some of my reluctance to call people is rooted in though....
I don't want to call during dinner.... or when someone's busy..... I don't want em to yell and shake all the plates on the table!!! So.... I imagine Other Me would have some dumb shit like that controlling her dialing fingers too.... and we would just never talk.... We'd just drift apart after years and years of non-communication....... I might wonder how that Other bitch is doin.....but then I'd put that phone down and think, " Nahhh... I'll wait til she wants to gimme a call..."...and son on. It's kinda a relief to tell you the truth! Other Me rambles on and on.... Oy! (slaps forehead, rolls eyes)...
So anyway, with all the self-hate talk....of which I was sad to hear, cause Fez is the greatest..... Ron said that Fezzielou should write it all down to himself and read it tomorrow...... That's a really good idea though, cause I bet all the shit you tell yourself, you would never say to another human being...or at least not so freely.. To see it on paper might help to cease that kinda talk..a little bit at least. I just hope Fezzie is not too mean to Fez in this, "Hate letter," as he called it..... Cause I can't fucking stand peoples sayin mean shit to Fez.....uhhh...even if it's Fez talking to Other Fez..... OK, you know what I mean... It's just gettin confusing so I better stop talkin bout this!
It's just like Ronnie said, "As I always say, 'Pobody's nerfect!' and then we lauuuugh and lauuughhh!" Straight up man.... that's the deal.... Ain't no time to hate....... yourself!
Annnnyway.... you were talkin about the upcoming Unmaskeds!! The ones that I've seen have been so bad ass....Amazing stuff.... I know these will be so, as well. Ron and Fez Show, I put in my requests to see Brian Regan here in D.C.... I know it will be fuckin killa... I don't wanna miss it if you, Ronnie B., make him cry....or if he tells you what he has for breakfast!! I wish I could be there for the Jeff Garlin one up in NYC too! Ahhh well...... I'd just love to be there to see....if nothing else...to see if Ron really would sing, "Ohhh Jeff Garlin, Oooh Jeff Garlin....oOOooH Jeff Garlin...." to him.... in the style of, Oh My Darling Clementine...like some ole miner, 49er......
....I've been goin around my house singin that lil ditty all day.... You might be shocked and disgusted to know how much time I spent tryin to rhyme something topical and relevant to Jeff Garlin with, "Clementine," I eventually gave up... All I could think of was Richard Kind....or Cheryl Hines.....Curb Your Enthusiasm, yes....but still.... fuckin senseless.....!!!
Hmmm....Ok then... I guess I better let yez go....... Peace out!
Signed,
kathleen from the bronx :):):)
PS- Hey! Remember when yez were acting like maybe I was making fun of you with the whole, "Dear Ron and Fez Shooow," thing??!? Since when is a drawn out last syllable a sign of mockery??? NO!
Hey, am I the only one here who cares for and quotes from, "About Schmidt??" Am I the only one who makes veiled references to Warren R. Schmidt's letter writing???? "Dear Nduguuuuu," See?? SEE??
I think, "Dear Ron and Fez Shooow," as I write to you on my yellow legal pad..??? Am I alone here?? AM I??! I thought that you always knew that I fondly thought of you guys as my sponsered children in Africa....... my lil African foster children!! Ahhhh geeez....... I guess I should have explained......Well, actually I guess I should have known that you might not hear my writing like I do in my head.... You know... I had been arguing with Other Me about this, and she's like, "YEAH.. I'm SOOO sure About Schmidt is still relevant....What is this like 2002??" Well, I bet I don't need to tell ya, I'm not gonna call her up and tell that one she's right! She glooooats.......
Bye again.... :):):)