Kathleen From The Bronx
09-25-2007, 01:00 AM
Dear Ron and Fez Shooow,
OOooh I think I have a new obsession.... The new compulsion is to scream, "OOOh cute!!! Cuteness!!!" in a terrible, giddy voice that some women might take on when seeing a toddler smush cake all over his face....or perhaps upon spotting a kitten...... or.... in this case, a man with a mohawk in the shape of a Free-Willy dorsal fin adopting a one year old stray cat. This email to yez will begin with shouting... Prepare yourselves for the boisterousness....... I CAN'T BELIEVE FEZ ADOPTED A CAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fezzielou got a cat... I can't believe it.... Well I guess that I WILL this time....Pretty exciting... See, here's the thing.... As it was brought up on the show today many times, we've all heard about Fezzie not necessarily loving animals....not wanting them in his house... I never would have guessed this turn of events, mis amigos...... When I say that I will buy-in this time...here... do yez care to take a lil trip back with me in my personal Kathleen-remembers-random-shit-from-Ron and Fez Shows-of yesteryear-time-machine?? It's a wordy little contraption, I know....
Picture it.....the year is 2004... WJFK, "The Fastest Hour"..... You guys used to do this live reads for Purina One where Fezzie would talk about his beloved kitty, "Fuzz Whatley." Ole Fezzie would spin quite a yarn....heh, get it... cat's like yarn.. heh... Err.... Well he'd go a-tellin adorable tales of how Fuzz Whatley would jump up on the computer, swatting at the mouse as Fezzie was tryin to get some work done.. "You git down from there you Fuzz Whatley!!" he would yell, "Thaaaat's not a real mouse!!"...... I remember that year...Fez was picking The Patriots in The Super Bowl against the Carolina Panthers.... He reported during one of those spots that he and Fuzz Whatley were not speakin... They were at odds cause Fuzz was goin for The Panthers, of course...being a cat.... all dressed up in his lil Carolina Jersey. Yeah... that was adorable.... but I tell you what was my favorite thing...... It was just too fuckin funny when Ron, as, "mean cat guy," would add in his opinions and ideas about Fez and his cat...... I should have really known then that this Fuzz Whatley was a rouse.... AS IF Ronnie B., is gonna go cat-sit..... (smacks forehead)...
Mean cat guy would go over to Fezzie's apartment and feed the cat cereal and pork chops rather than cat food..which is nuts, ya know... it's a cat food commercial...Hah... He'd call Fuzz, "a girl and a retard," and laugh while that grey calico cat pranced around with, "LOSER," spray-painted on his fur...... Ron was the artist of the animal graffiti there, obviously..... He'd chase him around threatening to jab him with a fork, cautioning that he could quite easily turn that Fuzz into cat's pajamas....liiiiterally pajamas made of cat-skin.....and then would wonder aloud why the hell people would come up with the term, "the cats pajamas," when clearly cats probably would wear housecoats if they were to wear clothes...... I personally think that cats would be prone to donning silky smoking jackets and ascots....but that's just me....OOOooooh I just treasured the antics that went down in those Purina One commercials...and I know that I ain't doin em justice..That's right... I was just nuts over a catfood commercial... I shan't think about it too long, it might become an uncomfortable reality for me... I reeeally believed that Fuzz Whatley existed.... I just loved that nutty idear....Whadda BOOB I turned out to be....
I believed it all until one day, after the show, as Father's Day weekend approached... I happened to ask Fez if he was, "one of those people who would buy himself something for Father's Day, and act like it was from his cat." Dumb question, I know! People do that shit! Every Christmas my sister-in-law tells me that her cat drove to the mall, fighting all that traffic, to pick out something for me as she hands over a gift.....I have to admit, that cat gets me adorable socks I tell yez..... You know those socks with all the toes separated so they're like foot-gloves?? Yeah! Anyway, Fezzie looked at me with pure disgust and responded, "I would never....ever... have an animal in my house!!!" "You mean there is NO FUZZ WHATLEY!!!?" I yelped incredulously...."Whuuud??"
Soooo...back to the present day.....This afternoon Ron said that Fez had an announcement....Fez dramatically drew out, "I.......have.....a new.... CAT!" Upon hearing that Fez DID get a cat this weekend, I chanted psychotically with glee, "A real Fuzz Whatley.... a real Fuzz Whatley....This is fantastic!!!" Like a lil dream come true, ya know...
Dude... there honestly better be a real cat this time!!! Please don't make me live the life of a rube who falls for some fake cat charade for the second time!!! Pleeease....I mean, the story of this supposed-real cat is already too funny to me too...... As an aside, back in the day, Ronnie claimed that he was sick of Fez flaunting this Fuzz Whatley around all the time, so he was had, "gone out and bought something special that he would cherish as much as Fez loved Fuzzz...." Then Ron showed off to the world his new diamond pinky ring.... Oh my God!!! I hope Ronnie really got a diamond pinky ring this time too!!! I dunno man.... I dig a diamond pinky ring..... Just one of my things yo...... Uhh... anyway.... I already find myself fond of this new cat..... "Skippy."
When Fez disclosed that he had a new cat, every one laughed and laughed... Dave remarked, "But you're not a cat-person!!" to which Ron added on, "He's not even a person!" Ron yelled, "This is SO unlike you!!! This is your meds gone crazy!!" and then, "Earl! Quick! Shoot him in the neck with a dart!" Fez shrieked, "Put that dart-gun down Earl!" and then he explained that he had decided to adopt Skippy (he wants to change her name), from two old women who live in a room where Boy-scouts sometimes meet and run a program called, "Island Cats," that rescues strays from the mean streets of Roosevelt Island.... Ron and Dave couldn't believe it... "You adopted a STRAY!???" Ron was like, "That's just like havin a wild animal in your house!!" Dave agreed, "You might as well have adopted a raccoon!" Ron concurred, "It's like you've let a squirrel into your house!"
Fez attempted to clear this all up, stating that for so long people have been telling him to adopt a pet....and how he wanted to try something new..... Ron said, "We said you should adopt a baby... or a get a dog! A cat is incapable of love!!!" Fez sadly said, "this cat can't love me???" Awwwww..... That cat'll love ya.... if it ever, ever stops hiding under your bed....Scardey cat...
Fez said that Skippy hides all day long.... "She's like having a drunken roomate, I don't see her all day, but once I'm in bed she staggers all over the house." Staggers?? A stray....seemingly drunk and staggering..??? Uh-oh... I hope that wild cat of the Island doesn't have rabies.... Beware... Heh, juss kiddin.... Kidding, I said!
Ronnie believed that this sudden cat, was an example of Fezzie, "goin off the rails." He asked, "Did you talk to your teen-aged therapist about this???" Fez said he had.... and Dave pointed out, "She must think she's destroying you!!! There's the mohawk.....and you were sleep depraved.... and you're screaming about adopting a cat!!" That just killed me man, quite a mental picture...."Mental," in the British way, as well as something funny to imagine.... Ronnie threatened, "I feel like suing this fuckin shrink of yours!!!"
For real though man, that was all just hilarious to me... but I really think that this new cat is gonna be great, once she warms up.... It'll be adorable!!! Fez and whatever-name-you-choose-other- than- Skippy will hang out together.... They can chill and watch TV, maybe get into the catnip... play a little, "Seinfeld Sub-plots," together! I loooove it...Oh, speaking of catnip... Don't try to smoke that shit... This guy that we used to hang out with was trying to not smoke the cheeba anymore, for some crazy reason.... and one day decided to give this organic catnip from Freshfields a puff..... It didn't do nuthin but stink! Catnip is for cats..... Regular drugs are human catnip.... I just wanted to post a cautionary tale there.... Ya know, helpful hints and shit.... Anyway... I think it was a really sweet thing to do, Fez adoptin this kitty who had nowhere to live.... I dunno, I really think it will be great... Mohawk Fez and a cat... What's not to dig.... "Meow meow, good luck, meow!!" I say to you..... Please don't try and imagine me doin a cat impression there... Somebody told me tonight that I pull off the WORST cat imitation that they had ever heard.... I was so proud of that title! Anyway.... THIS cat better be for fuckin real... I'm already a little attached... Oh, oh... and also please let Ronnie cat-sit sometimes.... That will also rock. Ok.....
Sorry to go on and on here about the show's newest cat-lady..... I told yez... I'm just a little obsessed! Man, along with this new cat situation, I was happy to hear that our own lil Sheepy has also been adopted by Fez in the Big Brother program... See, more good shit, a cat and a sheep.... a quaint little farm over there all watchin Notre Dame college football... :0) AND congratulations to Black Earl Douglas for retaining his title as Mr. Perfect for yet another week....
Hey, another thing I was thinkin about was the story Dave told about gettin carbon monoxide poisoning at Bonnaroo one year cause his tent was situated right near a running RV all night... We were at that one too but we didn't know him yet...Sucks he missed Dylan, he was all dressed up like a cowboy that time with a pencil-thin moustache...and he rocked.... Uh anyway, I was wondering.... How many times now is it that Dave has almost kicked the bucket? I mean, there was the time he almost drowned as a baby in California... this carbon monoxide thing....... Why am I goin blank now? I know I'm leaving more near-death-experiences out..... I was just thinking he better count that shit up.... He might only have nine lives like a red-headed cat... Ay geeez, all I do is talk about cats anymore! Time to stop typing....
Signed,
kathleen from the bronx :):):)
OOooh I think I have a new obsession.... The new compulsion is to scream, "OOOh cute!!! Cuteness!!!" in a terrible, giddy voice that some women might take on when seeing a toddler smush cake all over his face....or perhaps upon spotting a kitten...... or.... in this case, a man with a mohawk in the shape of a Free-Willy dorsal fin adopting a one year old stray cat. This email to yez will begin with shouting... Prepare yourselves for the boisterousness....... I CAN'T BELIEVE FEZ ADOPTED A CAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fezzielou got a cat... I can't believe it.... Well I guess that I WILL this time....Pretty exciting... See, here's the thing.... As it was brought up on the show today many times, we've all heard about Fezzie not necessarily loving animals....not wanting them in his house... I never would have guessed this turn of events, mis amigos...... When I say that I will buy-in this time...here... do yez care to take a lil trip back with me in my personal Kathleen-remembers-random-shit-from-Ron and Fez Shows-of yesteryear-time-machine?? It's a wordy little contraption, I know....
Picture it.....the year is 2004... WJFK, "The Fastest Hour"..... You guys used to do this live reads for Purina One where Fezzie would talk about his beloved kitty, "Fuzz Whatley." Ole Fezzie would spin quite a yarn....heh, get it... cat's like yarn.. heh... Err.... Well he'd go a-tellin adorable tales of how Fuzz Whatley would jump up on the computer, swatting at the mouse as Fezzie was tryin to get some work done.. "You git down from there you Fuzz Whatley!!" he would yell, "Thaaaat's not a real mouse!!"...... I remember that year...Fez was picking The Patriots in The Super Bowl against the Carolina Panthers.... He reported during one of those spots that he and Fuzz Whatley were not speakin... They were at odds cause Fuzz was goin for The Panthers, of course...being a cat.... all dressed up in his lil Carolina Jersey. Yeah... that was adorable.... but I tell you what was my favorite thing...... It was just too fuckin funny when Ron, as, "mean cat guy," would add in his opinions and ideas about Fez and his cat...... I should have really known then that this Fuzz Whatley was a rouse.... AS IF Ronnie B., is gonna go cat-sit..... (smacks forehead)...
Mean cat guy would go over to Fezzie's apartment and feed the cat cereal and pork chops rather than cat food..which is nuts, ya know... it's a cat food commercial...Hah... He'd call Fuzz, "a girl and a retard," and laugh while that grey calico cat pranced around with, "LOSER," spray-painted on his fur...... Ron was the artist of the animal graffiti there, obviously..... He'd chase him around threatening to jab him with a fork, cautioning that he could quite easily turn that Fuzz into cat's pajamas....liiiiterally pajamas made of cat-skin.....and then would wonder aloud why the hell people would come up with the term, "the cats pajamas," when clearly cats probably would wear housecoats if they were to wear clothes...... I personally think that cats would be prone to donning silky smoking jackets and ascots....but that's just me....OOOooooh I just treasured the antics that went down in those Purina One commercials...and I know that I ain't doin em justice..That's right... I was just nuts over a catfood commercial... I shan't think about it too long, it might become an uncomfortable reality for me... I reeeally believed that Fuzz Whatley existed.... I just loved that nutty idear....Whadda BOOB I turned out to be....
I believed it all until one day, after the show, as Father's Day weekend approached... I happened to ask Fez if he was, "one of those people who would buy himself something for Father's Day, and act like it was from his cat." Dumb question, I know! People do that shit! Every Christmas my sister-in-law tells me that her cat drove to the mall, fighting all that traffic, to pick out something for me as she hands over a gift.....I have to admit, that cat gets me adorable socks I tell yez..... You know those socks with all the toes separated so they're like foot-gloves?? Yeah! Anyway, Fezzie looked at me with pure disgust and responded, "I would never....ever... have an animal in my house!!!" "You mean there is NO FUZZ WHATLEY!!!?" I yelped incredulously...."Whuuud??"
Soooo...back to the present day.....This afternoon Ron said that Fez had an announcement....Fez dramatically drew out, "I.......have.....a new.... CAT!" Upon hearing that Fez DID get a cat this weekend, I chanted psychotically with glee, "A real Fuzz Whatley.... a real Fuzz Whatley....This is fantastic!!!" Like a lil dream come true, ya know...
Dude... there honestly better be a real cat this time!!! Please don't make me live the life of a rube who falls for some fake cat charade for the second time!!! Pleeease....I mean, the story of this supposed-real cat is already too funny to me too...... As an aside, back in the day, Ronnie claimed that he was sick of Fez flaunting this Fuzz Whatley around all the time, so he was had, "gone out and bought something special that he would cherish as much as Fez loved Fuzzz...." Then Ron showed off to the world his new diamond pinky ring.... Oh my God!!! I hope Ronnie really got a diamond pinky ring this time too!!! I dunno man.... I dig a diamond pinky ring..... Just one of my things yo...... Uhh... anyway.... I already find myself fond of this new cat..... "Skippy."
When Fez disclosed that he had a new cat, every one laughed and laughed... Dave remarked, "But you're not a cat-person!!" to which Ron added on, "He's not even a person!" Ron yelled, "This is SO unlike you!!! This is your meds gone crazy!!" and then, "Earl! Quick! Shoot him in the neck with a dart!" Fez shrieked, "Put that dart-gun down Earl!" and then he explained that he had decided to adopt Skippy (he wants to change her name), from two old women who live in a room where Boy-scouts sometimes meet and run a program called, "Island Cats," that rescues strays from the mean streets of Roosevelt Island.... Ron and Dave couldn't believe it... "You adopted a STRAY!???" Ron was like, "That's just like havin a wild animal in your house!!" Dave agreed, "You might as well have adopted a raccoon!" Ron concurred, "It's like you've let a squirrel into your house!"
Fez attempted to clear this all up, stating that for so long people have been telling him to adopt a pet....and how he wanted to try something new..... Ron said, "We said you should adopt a baby... or a get a dog! A cat is incapable of love!!!" Fez sadly said, "this cat can't love me???" Awwwww..... That cat'll love ya.... if it ever, ever stops hiding under your bed....Scardey cat...
Fez said that Skippy hides all day long.... "She's like having a drunken roomate, I don't see her all day, but once I'm in bed she staggers all over the house." Staggers?? A stray....seemingly drunk and staggering..??? Uh-oh... I hope that wild cat of the Island doesn't have rabies.... Beware... Heh, juss kiddin.... Kidding, I said!
Ronnie believed that this sudden cat, was an example of Fezzie, "goin off the rails." He asked, "Did you talk to your teen-aged therapist about this???" Fez said he had.... and Dave pointed out, "She must think she's destroying you!!! There's the mohawk.....and you were sleep depraved.... and you're screaming about adopting a cat!!" That just killed me man, quite a mental picture...."Mental," in the British way, as well as something funny to imagine.... Ronnie threatened, "I feel like suing this fuckin shrink of yours!!!"
For real though man, that was all just hilarious to me... but I really think that this new cat is gonna be great, once she warms up.... It'll be adorable!!! Fez and whatever-name-you-choose-other- than- Skippy will hang out together.... They can chill and watch TV, maybe get into the catnip... play a little, "Seinfeld Sub-plots," together! I loooove it...Oh, speaking of catnip... Don't try to smoke that shit... This guy that we used to hang out with was trying to not smoke the cheeba anymore, for some crazy reason.... and one day decided to give this organic catnip from Freshfields a puff..... It didn't do nuthin but stink! Catnip is for cats..... Regular drugs are human catnip.... I just wanted to post a cautionary tale there.... Ya know, helpful hints and shit.... Anyway... I think it was a really sweet thing to do, Fez adoptin this kitty who had nowhere to live.... I dunno, I really think it will be great... Mohawk Fez and a cat... What's not to dig.... "Meow meow, good luck, meow!!" I say to you..... Please don't try and imagine me doin a cat impression there... Somebody told me tonight that I pull off the WORST cat imitation that they had ever heard.... I was so proud of that title! Anyway.... THIS cat better be for fuckin real... I'm already a little attached... Oh, oh... and also please let Ronnie cat-sit sometimes.... That will also rock. Ok.....
Sorry to go on and on here about the show's newest cat-lady..... I told yez... I'm just a little obsessed! Man, along with this new cat situation, I was happy to hear that our own lil Sheepy has also been adopted by Fez in the Big Brother program... See, more good shit, a cat and a sheep.... a quaint little farm over there all watchin Notre Dame college football... :0) AND congratulations to Black Earl Douglas for retaining his title as Mr. Perfect for yet another week....
Hey, another thing I was thinkin about was the story Dave told about gettin carbon monoxide poisoning at Bonnaroo one year cause his tent was situated right near a running RV all night... We were at that one too but we didn't know him yet...Sucks he missed Dylan, he was all dressed up like a cowboy that time with a pencil-thin moustache...and he rocked.... Uh anyway, I was wondering.... How many times now is it that Dave has almost kicked the bucket? I mean, there was the time he almost drowned as a baby in California... this carbon monoxide thing....... Why am I goin blank now? I know I'm leaving more near-death-experiences out..... I was just thinking he better count that shit up.... He might only have nine lives like a red-headed cat... Ay geeez, all I do is talk about cats anymore! Time to stop typing....
Signed,
kathleen from the bronx :):):)