Kathleen From The Bronx
09-26-2007, 11:55 PM
Dear Ron and Fez Shooow,
Hey you know what I can't stand??? Birds! You know what else I hate, even more than birds?? Insects! Can't stand em either..... You know what I love talking about??? How much I despise birds and insects!!! How convenient that you ending up talking about those filthy beasts of the land and of the air.... This topic emerged today, early in the show when Dave asked, "If all the birds in the world battled all the insects in the world, who would win? Ron said, "Well that battle takes place every day at dusk my friend........ We have reached a stalemate!!"
I don't know Ron and Fez Show.....Though I loathe the creatures in both corners, I'm pretty sure that insects would win the battle....I think...Maybe. For one thing, Ronnie reported that the total amount of insects on Earth outweigh human beings even, multiple times over.... This was a finding that made him yell, "ARRGHHHHH!!! Oh GOD! I'm scratching my own eyebrows just thinking about it!" Yeah.. you and me both Ron... I have yet to cease shuddering at the thought....The chills make it difficult to type, really. Besides the sheer numbers there, doesn't the belief also exist that insects have been here since forever and will survive no matter what terrible disaster goes down ...even one that will wipe every other living thing off the face of the planet?? The insects cannot be stopped! They just survive, and survive, and survive.....
Uuuugh, I hate a bug... Look, here's the thing... just so you know... I do not go out of my way to harm or kill anything, insects included.... If I see them outside, what the hell... do your disgusting thing, crawlies...... just please don't come near me or attempt to enter my home.... Then we have problems.
I am no fan of insects- that is the truth....I do not enjoy the company of bugs...Not one insect that would land on my knee would I ever, even slightly be happy to see... and I am talking to you too, butterflies.... Seriously, take notice. I have been described as, "contemptuous," like maybe I don't have enough love for God's creatures- the crawling things...the flying things of the sky... There is not one single solitary one of em that I dig..... They're always laying eggs and having larvae....and getting in boxes of oatmeal...and bags of flour.... and... and oh my GOD!!! They are everywhere... So nasty......
People make excuses for some insects... I am not one of those people. Even for those who hate all insects, ladybugs seem to escape such scorn... Are they not also insects? Well I don't like them either!!!!! I think they've gotten away with murder...They go around escaping the typical ridicule an insect might incur... They are even considered, "cute," by people who hate most every other insect... They are seen as a sign of good luck to come....and that killing them presages bad luck.... Because of this protection, I imagine that these ladybugs fly around feeling QUITE entitled... and it really annoys me.... "Who the hell do you think you ARE, bug?? You AIN'T foolin me!!!" Well, I'm not trying to taunt any bad fortune, so I'd never kill...... but stay the hell back you little bastards!
Anyway, you get it.... I do not like any bugs.... I'm sittin here bitching about lady bugs and you know they ain't got NOTHIN on the grossness that are cock-a-roaches...water bugs.....and those bastards that are the size of bunches of bananas that live deep in the rain forest....and in Florida... God help us!
Even though I technically hate birds less than I hate insects, I still don't think they would emerge victorious in the hideous war.....
Dave seemed to believe that the birds would triumph.... He claimed that birds were more organized...suggesting that they were somehow intelligent??? Ron reacted with, "Have you ever heard of a bird-hive?!" Pepper Hicks added, "A bird-hill?" Dave argued back, "but birds fly South for the Winter!" See Ron and Fez Show, I'm not gonna go around acting like insects are brilliant, or intellectual....but they are always workin.....They are like little, diligent robots.... Termites can topple a house, South American ants can cross raging rivers.... "A bunch of bees can bring down an elephant!" Ron yelled... Fez claimed that insects are so relentless they will not stop until they eat us all.... Forget it...
Seriously though, birds are not smart! I don't care what people say about, "wise old owls." Based on what? Their inexorable nosiness and curiosity...??? "Whooo? Whoooo?" Please! If they knew anything they wouldn't ask so many God-damned questions over and over.... (sorry so frickin hacky! :0) ) Birds are dopes. Birds of a feather flock together... They just follow each other around constantly..... We've all heard the phrase, "That's for the birds!" That means... for dummies, for stupes...... We've all heard the insulting name, "Hey bird-brain!" thrown around at bumbling idiots.....That's cause birds are dumb! Ostriches' eyeballs are larger than their brains...They got tiny brains!
Birds are definitely not smart. Have you ever heard the insipid drivel that comes outta Big Bird's beak down on Sesame Street? That bird don't never know what to do! If he's their leader, you can just forget it.... The birds don't have a prayer.
As much as I can't stand insects, and there is barely a shred of love in my tiny heart for birds ... I can tolerate some birds...very, very few...SOME...I still don't want to touch them, or have them flapping their dandery-ass feathers anywhere me...... but a select few are nice... Humming birds are OK by me! There are a couple more that don't gross me out... So those birds can stop cryin and really quickly pecking out angry letters; I'm not talking about you.... For the most part though, no fuckin thank you....It's kinda like Ron said, "I even see a cardinal as a really big mosquito." Ick. I dislike birds so much that it's made me despise certain Christmas Carols....
You know, "The Twelve Days of Christmas??" That song....?? I always think.... "WHAT was with that guy?!!!" What a freak!! It's like he was tryin to figure out what to get his woman for Christmas and only got as far as live birds...."Hey! Birds.... YEAH! I think my sweet petunia is REALLY gonna be into birds..." Uuuuh...That's kind of a risky assumption! If you recall from the carol, this guy is showin up with a partridge in a pear tree, then he's droppin gaggles of geese and swans on her days later..... Fuckin ridiculous! She's like,"What the fuck made you think I love birds so stinkin' much???!?!" What a disaster..... I don't know man... I realize that he gave he other shit too, but the birds thing always gets to me.... That lady is gonna be vacuuming up feathers for the rest of her life...Bird shit everywhere... Yuck, dude! Yuck..... I guess all those birds would be better than many insect-based gifts...
Who the hell gives the gift of bird??? I'll tell you who did..... That Tippi Hedren gave Mitch some lovebirds and we all saw what atrocities happened that weekend on Bodega Bay afterward........
Ohh man, I'm so torn and confused now.... I hate them both, insects and birds.... I am leaning towards the idea that insects will always win out in the end..... I am not rooting for them though! I mean..... Since I hate birds a little bit less, should I be pulling for them to bring about the demise of the bug-world??? I don't think so either! Cause check it...
If the birds kill and eat all the insects on Earth, what will they turn to next for their feasting..??? I have more than a sneaking suspicion that the answer is, US! "God forbid!" as Ronnie said many times today.... God fuhbid the birds win... Then we will have a real-life Hitchcock situation to deal with... The Birds will become a reality...... Yeah, You guys brought that up too, that movie..... Ronnie told us all that even as a five year old, upon seeing that frightening film, he leaped off the couch screaming, "We need to defend ourselves!!!!!" I'm beginning to think that you are right, five-year-old Ron..... We better start stockpiling, for whatever the results after the warfare..... Oh man.... I might just be pro-active for once and start boarding up my windows tonight....after this correspondence....
Later Fezzie brought up another horrifying proposition.....more of our world in chaos, ya know.... He asked, "If a nuclear attack was to take place, would you rather die from the blast, or live in a post-apocalyptic world?" Ronnie B. yelled, "God forbid!!" as he recently loves to do... but also noted, "I'll ALWAYS choose death." Some reason that made me laugh.... Fezzie said that he would as well... he didn't think he'd be able to survive in all the anarchy, bedlam, and wreckage.... I dunno man, I was thinking about it...
All I could picture were visions of this made-for -T.V. movie I had seen when I was like seven... and I should definitely not have been watchin it... I don't know how I pulled that one off... Maybe my parents were watching it and I was peeking.... See, I don't know why I never learned my lesson with that sneaking a gander routine....Another time that I was creepin around that resulted in my little brain gettin fucked with, was when I was secretly watching this episode of Dallas where J.R. had Sue Ellen Ewing locked up in an insane asylum.... That gave me nightmares forever!!! It was so scary to me!!! I never learn a lesson though...
Anyway, this T.V. movie about the aftermath of the nuclear war.... I think it had like Jason Robards and JoBeth Williams in it.... Hey, when's the last time you heard the words, "JoBeth Williams??" I know, right?! For reals.... that movie was scary as shit!!! I do not know how I got away with watching that... It freaked me the fuck out! One of the scariest things was how it was sooo, so eerily silent afterward....
Just think about how much buzzing electricity is all around you at all times these days.. and then that's gone... plus no chirping birds... Dead quiet... OOOh, ohhh oddly enough no birds, but there were still flies all over the place on all that was rotting.... The insects survive!!! Once again, the insects always survive...
All that remained was this desolate, parched wasteland... there was no food or safe drinking water.... I dunno, there was a lot of very frightening scenes like that ...and Steve Guttenberg..... ((shudddder)).... So right off the bat, in answer to Fezzie's question... I thought that I'd probably like to avoid the whole calamity that would result.... and yet.... part of me did think that I would somehow want to be part of rebuilding society and stuff.... Hmmmm... Who the hell am I kidding, I can barely deal with life if I open a beer that's not cold enough... Ahhh ferget it!!
A caller informed the show that if such an attack was to take place, it would most likely affect roughly 340 miles in ever direction.... Ron surmised that the only humans to survive would be hill-folk..... "Hillbillies!" Pepper Hick added.... Ron agreed, and then mused..."They will rebuild society with nothing but Blue Collar Comedy Tour DVDs..." Oh man, I'm starting to tremble with distress all over again! I suppose I better go back to my original conclusion.... I too will choose death....!
Well, I better wrap this up... been goin on and on.... Before I go lemme just point out this heart-warming tale... maybe it will remove all the chilling memories discussed in this email... insect wars....apocalypse.....80's made-for-T.V. horror..... Today Ronnie B. reinforced his status as a hero (annnd a hero comes aloooong....) when he rescued an elderly woman who had wandered into traffic..... Fantastic work, my friend....Bravoooo...
:0)
Also! Ron announced that he had spotted an darling, 45 year old, two-foot nun on the street.....dressed up in a habit and everything.... "An adorable tiny nun," that he just wanted to pick up and squeeze like a lil nun doll... Awwwww, cute! That seems like some kind of good sign.. right? A miniature nun..... Wait...wait.. why am I gettin a bad feeling about this?? Wait... IS she a good sign, or a scaaaary omen?? Hmmm.... Oh.. no, no, I'm wrong... I'm thinking of a dwarf in a red raincoat, not a pocket sized nun!! A dwarf in a red raincoat is what you gotta be careful of! Anyway, a little bitty lady dressed up like a nun is A-OK..... I better stop typing now... I'm makin random 70's movie references for no apparent reason....OK! Peace out homies...
Signed,
kathleen from the bronx :):):)
Hey you know what I can't stand??? Birds! You know what else I hate, even more than birds?? Insects! Can't stand em either..... You know what I love talking about??? How much I despise birds and insects!!! How convenient that you ending up talking about those filthy beasts of the land and of the air.... This topic emerged today, early in the show when Dave asked, "If all the birds in the world battled all the insects in the world, who would win? Ron said, "Well that battle takes place every day at dusk my friend........ We have reached a stalemate!!"
I don't know Ron and Fez Show.....Though I loathe the creatures in both corners, I'm pretty sure that insects would win the battle....I think...Maybe. For one thing, Ronnie reported that the total amount of insects on Earth outweigh human beings even, multiple times over.... This was a finding that made him yell, "ARRGHHHHH!!! Oh GOD! I'm scratching my own eyebrows just thinking about it!" Yeah.. you and me both Ron... I have yet to cease shuddering at the thought....The chills make it difficult to type, really. Besides the sheer numbers there, doesn't the belief also exist that insects have been here since forever and will survive no matter what terrible disaster goes down ...even one that will wipe every other living thing off the face of the planet?? The insects cannot be stopped! They just survive, and survive, and survive.....
Uuuugh, I hate a bug... Look, here's the thing... just so you know... I do not go out of my way to harm or kill anything, insects included.... If I see them outside, what the hell... do your disgusting thing, crawlies...... just please don't come near me or attempt to enter my home.... Then we have problems.
I am no fan of insects- that is the truth....I do not enjoy the company of bugs...Not one insect that would land on my knee would I ever, even slightly be happy to see... and I am talking to you too, butterflies.... Seriously, take notice. I have been described as, "contemptuous," like maybe I don't have enough love for God's creatures- the crawling things...the flying things of the sky... There is not one single solitary one of em that I dig..... They're always laying eggs and having larvae....and getting in boxes of oatmeal...and bags of flour.... and... and oh my GOD!!! They are everywhere... So nasty......
People make excuses for some insects... I am not one of those people. Even for those who hate all insects, ladybugs seem to escape such scorn... Are they not also insects? Well I don't like them either!!!!! I think they've gotten away with murder...They go around escaping the typical ridicule an insect might incur... They are even considered, "cute," by people who hate most every other insect... They are seen as a sign of good luck to come....and that killing them presages bad luck.... Because of this protection, I imagine that these ladybugs fly around feeling QUITE entitled... and it really annoys me.... "Who the hell do you think you ARE, bug?? You AIN'T foolin me!!!" Well, I'm not trying to taunt any bad fortune, so I'd never kill...... but stay the hell back you little bastards!
Anyway, you get it.... I do not like any bugs.... I'm sittin here bitching about lady bugs and you know they ain't got NOTHIN on the grossness that are cock-a-roaches...water bugs.....and those bastards that are the size of bunches of bananas that live deep in the rain forest....and in Florida... God help us!
Even though I technically hate birds less than I hate insects, I still don't think they would emerge victorious in the hideous war.....
Dave seemed to believe that the birds would triumph.... He claimed that birds were more organized...suggesting that they were somehow intelligent??? Ron reacted with, "Have you ever heard of a bird-hive?!" Pepper Hicks added, "A bird-hill?" Dave argued back, "but birds fly South for the Winter!" See Ron and Fez Show, I'm not gonna go around acting like insects are brilliant, or intellectual....but they are always workin.....They are like little, diligent robots.... Termites can topple a house, South American ants can cross raging rivers.... "A bunch of bees can bring down an elephant!" Ron yelled... Fez claimed that insects are so relentless they will not stop until they eat us all.... Forget it...
Seriously though, birds are not smart! I don't care what people say about, "wise old owls." Based on what? Their inexorable nosiness and curiosity...??? "Whooo? Whoooo?" Please! If they knew anything they wouldn't ask so many God-damned questions over and over.... (sorry so frickin hacky! :0) ) Birds are dopes. Birds of a feather flock together... They just follow each other around constantly..... We've all heard the phrase, "That's for the birds!" That means... for dummies, for stupes...... We've all heard the insulting name, "Hey bird-brain!" thrown around at bumbling idiots.....That's cause birds are dumb! Ostriches' eyeballs are larger than their brains...They got tiny brains!
Birds are definitely not smart. Have you ever heard the insipid drivel that comes outta Big Bird's beak down on Sesame Street? That bird don't never know what to do! If he's their leader, you can just forget it.... The birds don't have a prayer.
As much as I can't stand insects, and there is barely a shred of love in my tiny heart for birds ... I can tolerate some birds...very, very few...SOME...I still don't want to touch them, or have them flapping their dandery-ass feathers anywhere me...... but a select few are nice... Humming birds are OK by me! There are a couple more that don't gross me out... So those birds can stop cryin and really quickly pecking out angry letters; I'm not talking about you.... For the most part though, no fuckin thank you....It's kinda like Ron said, "I even see a cardinal as a really big mosquito." Ick. I dislike birds so much that it's made me despise certain Christmas Carols....
You know, "The Twelve Days of Christmas??" That song....?? I always think.... "WHAT was with that guy?!!!" What a freak!! It's like he was tryin to figure out what to get his woman for Christmas and only got as far as live birds...."Hey! Birds.... YEAH! I think my sweet petunia is REALLY gonna be into birds..." Uuuuh...That's kind of a risky assumption! If you recall from the carol, this guy is showin up with a partridge in a pear tree, then he's droppin gaggles of geese and swans on her days later..... Fuckin ridiculous! She's like,"What the fuck made you think I love birds so stinkin' much???!?!" What a disaster..... I don't know man... I realize that he gave he other shit too, but the birds thing always gets to me.... That lady is gonna be vacuuming up feathers for the rest of her life...Bird shit everywhere... Yuck, dude! Yuck..... I guess all those birds would be better than many insect-based gifts...
Who the hell gives the gift of bird??? I'll tell you who did..... That Tippi Hedren gave Mitch some lovebirds and we all saw what atrocities happened that weekend on Bodega Bay afterward........
Ohh man, I'm so torn and confused now.... I hate them both, insects and birds.... I am leaning towards the idea that insects will always win out in the end..... I am not rooting for them though! I mean..... Since I hate birds a little bit less, should I be pulling for them to bring about the demise of the bug-world??? I don't think so either! Cause check it...
If the birds kill and eat all the insects on Earth, what will they turn to next for their feasting..??? I have more than a sneaking suspicion that the answer is, US! "God forbid!" as Ronnie said many times today.... God fuhbid the birds win... Then we will have a real-life Hitchcock situation to deal with... The Birds will become a reality...... Yeah, You guys brought that up too, that movie..... Ronnie told us all that even as a five year old, upon seeing that frightening film, he leaped off the couch screaming, "We need to defend ourselves!!!!!" I'm beginning to think that you are right, five-year-old Ron..... We better start stockpiling, for whatever the results after the warfare..... Oh man.... I might just be pro-active for once and start boarding up my windows tonight....after this correspondence....
Later Fezzie brought up another horrifying proposition.....more of our world in chaos, ya know.... He asked, "If a nuclear attack was to take place, would you rather die from the blast, or live in a post-apocalyptic world?" Ronnie B. yelled, "God forbid!!" as he recently loves to do... but also noted, "I'll ALWAYS choose death." Some reason that made me laugh.... Fezzie said that he would as well... he didn't think he'd be able to survive in all the anarchy, bedlam, and wreckage.... I dunno man, I was thinking about it...
All I could picture were visions of this made-for -T.V. movie I had seen when I was like seven... and I should definitely not have been watchin it... I don't know how I pulled that one off... Maybe my parents were watching it and I was peeking.... See, I don't know why I never learned my lesson with that sneaking a gander routine....Another time that I was creepin around that resulted in my little brain gettin fucked with, was when I was secretly watching this episode of Dallas where J.R. had Sue Ellen Ewing locked up in an insane asylum.... That gave me nightmares forever!!! It was so scary to me!!! I never learn a lesson though...
Anyway, this T.V. movie about the aftermath of the nuclear war.... I think it had like Jason Robards and JoBeth Williams in it.... Hey, when's the last time you heard the words, "JoBeth Williams??" I know, right?! For reals.... that movie was scary as shit!!! I do not know how I got away with watching that... It freaked me the fuck out! One of the scariest things was how it was sooo, so eerily silent afterward....
Just think about how much buzzing electricity is all around you at all times these days.. and then that's gone... plus no chirping birds... Dead quiet... OOOh, ohhh oddly enough no birds, but there were still flies all over the place on all that was rotting.... The insects survive!!! Once again, the insects always survive...
All that remained was this desolate, parched wasteland... there was no food or safe drinking water.... I dunno, there was a lot of very frightening scenes like that ...and Steve Guttenberg..... ((shudddder)).... So right off the bat, in answer to Fezzie's question... I thought that I'd probably like to avoid the whole calamity that would result.... and yet.... part of me did think that I would somehow want to be part of rebuilding society and stuff.... Hmmmm... Who the hell am I kidding, I can barely deal with life if I open a beer that's not cold enough... Ahhh ferget it!!
A caller informed the show that if such an attack was to take place, it would most likely affect roughly 340 miles in ever direction.... Ron surmised that the only humans to survive would be hill-folk..... "Hillbillies!" Pepper Hick added.... Ron agreed, and then mused..."They will rebuild society with nothing but Blue Collar Comedy Tour DVDs..." Oh man, I'm starting to tremble with distress all over again! I suppose I better go back to my original conclusion.... I too will choose death....!
Well, I better wrap this up... been goin on and on.... Before I go lemme just point out this heart-warming tale... maybe it will remove all the chilling memories discussed in this email... insect wars....apocalypse.....80's made-for-T.V. horror..... Today Ronnie B. reinforced his status as a hero (annnd a hero comes aloooong....) when he rescued an elderly woman who had wandered into traffic..... Fantastic work, my friend....Bravoooo...
:0)
Also! Ron announced that he had spotted an darling, 45 year old, two-foot nun on the street.....dressed up in a habit and everything.... "An adorable tiny nun," that he just wanted to pick up and squeeze like a lil nun doll... Awwwww, cute! That seems like some kind of good sign.. right? A miniature nun..... Wait...wait.. why am I gettin a bad feeling about this?? Wait... IS she a good sign, or a scaaaary omen?? Hmmm.... Oh.. no, no, I'm wrong... I'm thinking of a dwarf in a red raincoat, not a pocket sized nun!! A dwarf in a red raincoat is what you gotta be careful of! Anyway, a little bitty lady dressed up like a nun is A-OK..... I better stop typing now... I'm makin random 70's movie references for no apparent reason....OK! Peace out homies...
Signed,
kathleen from the bronx :):):)