Kathleen From The Bronx
10-01-2007, 02:02 AM
Dear Ron and Fez Shooow,
Oooh, after the show on Friday I was soooo excited to hear about, "Ron Bennington's Hard-to-Find Autograph Shop!" All Ron's talk about how these items are just gettin more valuable, "This is better buying gold! This is better than buying diamonds!" really helped me to make the decision to see just what kind of treasures I could get my lil hands on! I thought... "Yeah, yeah.... I think it's high time the ole gal starts makin some investments!"
I immediately contacted the shop....I was a little discouraged at first to hear that the, "black Santa Claus signed by Mickey Mantle," Ron had been describing was no longer available... neither was the hockey puck, signed by Jesus and Moses and seven out of the twelve apostles.... "Aw rats!!" I whined... Ooooh you know how it is when you get your lil heart set on something, huh?? My hopes felt dashed a bit, what could I possibly pick up now..? I contacted Ron once more, and somewhat sarcastically inquired, "Pleeeease then tell me that you have a signed Vincent Van Gogh's ear for sale!" feeling pretty certain that he would not, as most of what I had heard offered was sports-related......Imagine my happy surprise when Ron responded back that he did have this very item... He did! .... and for the low, low price of $3850....."but you better HURRY!" he advised...
How in the heck did you get ahold of that Ronnie B.??? Aww... you have your ways....(chuckle, chuckle)...
Well I am no fool, Ron and Fez Show, so I jumped at the offer.... Within minutes I collected almost all of the money that I keep hidden under my mattress and I made my way down to the bus station. I got on the first bus up to New York City. I had to take the bus this time....All funds must be directed toward that famous signed ear...... Man do I HATE the bus.... but this time it felt worth it.... The prize was only hours away....
...But man did those hours drag by Friday night as I sat on that darkened bus..... I felt like all eyes were upon me....Piercing eyes! They all seemed to be wondering, wondering.... I could almost hear the other passengers' thoughts... their scrutiny, "What's she got in that brown paper bag??? Why's she clutching it so hard???" This one guy leaned over from across the aisle, and urged, "Hey, hey lady, let me get sip offa that..." "It's NOT booze!" I growled back..... I know, for once a paper bag I was clinging to was not full of alcohol.... Not this time. I did not dare sleep; I barely blinked.....I held on that paper bag...repeating in my mind like a mantra, "Get to New York, get to the city....Get the ear.... GET THE EAR!"
I was already standing up in the aisle as the bus neared the station on Broadway. With my heightened anticipation I could barely wait another second to get outta there.... and as the the bus finally groaned to a halt and the doors wheezed open, I bounded right off of it, accidentally knocking some packages out of this elderly Chinese woman's hands.... Normally I would have apologized for my rudeness. I would have helped her to pick them up.... "No time, no time," I reminded myself... and I kept running... as she angrily shouted down the street after me while wringing her hands in the air, "Gwai-poh!!!! SEI GWAI-POH!!!!!!!!!!!!"
It was so late at night that "Ron Bennington's Hard-to-Find Autograph Shop," must have been closed for hours! So man, thanks for meeting me down at the deserted docks in the middle of the night on such short notice! That was really nice of ya...especially when, ya know..ya wouldn't go down and check the mail for such a trivial amount of cash......Yeah, I remembered..and had to bring it up....again!
I handed over the bag as Ron tossed me the ear of Van Gogh in a small ziploc baggie.... It was all shriveled and yellow with with his signature scrawled into it, the ancient ink bled into the fossilized wrinkles.... Gazing upon it, holding this jewel in my hands, I felt elated! Ronnie B. checked the sack of money....to make sure it was all there when and an expression revulsion crossed his face... "A TEN dollar bill?? How the fuck did THIS get in here???" he spat as he crumpled it up and threw it at my feet...The wadded bill landed right in an oily puddle, barely causing a ripple....and he added, "You can keep that shit!" Man, that was generous of you, a discount too??! See, man sometimes it pays to know people in the business!! The transaction complete, we parted ways and I ran back to the station in Chinatown.... With luck on my side I managed to make it onto the next bus heading Southbound.
Traveling home on the bus, my mood was quite different from the one I held on the way to retrieve my prize..... I was blissfully delirious and it was hard to contain! I felt simply buzzing with the knowledge that in that lil plastic bag in my pocket was the ear of the artist, Vincent Van Gogh.... A brilliant Dutch ear that used to be connected to his head....that he cut off in a fit of madness.... and there it was, right in my hand!!!! "All that beautiful, post-impressionist art was created, and you were there, ear!" I considered while seemingly entranced.... and I while resting my head against the window I peered out into the dusky light of near dawn, where stars were still twinkling over I-95....
Something just came over me, a feeling that I could not resist... Though it was a risk, I just couldn't help myself and I opened up that little baggie.... Unzipping the seal I was met with a waft of air from inside the bag.... It smelled so sweet, and I don't know if it was my imagination racing with honeyed-happiness of the moment, full of the awareness of all those great works of art that came from the brain of that man whose ear I held in my hand and all that it might mean.... the MONEY it would fetch...."Bri-Bri will be so proud of me, this will change our lives... Maybe he can retire!!!" ...but.... I simply could not abstain....and so I whispered right into Van Gogh's ear, "Starry Night indeed.... INDEED!"
As I returned home some four hours later, the sun was up and shining down intensely making all the trees changing their green leaves to bright orange and yellow seem to pop.... It appeared to enhance my already euphoric mood. I turned the corner to head up the stairs, when I ran into my neighbor, Joan, who was checking her mail.... A frail elderly woman, often times if I encountered her on the stairs I'd take her groceries in for her, stuff like that.... We had become kind of friendly, though sometimes I thought that she made up little things that she needed help with, just for the company.... not that that bothered me either.
I was kind of fun at times to sit around and look at her photos or watch the soaps with her over some tea. She stopped me and asked, "Where are you coming in from this early!? I usually don't catch hide nor hair of you until the late afternoon!" I didn't divulge my wonderful secret, but when she asked me down for tea and some gingersnaps, I didn't refuse. My mood was so high, I answered, "Why not!!?" and followed her down the stairs to her basement apartment.
"It's such a nice day, let's sit out in the back," Joan creaked in her little voice.. "While we're out there you can water my flowers for me...." I rolled my eyes a little bit to myself as I headed out back and thought, "Awww you nutty ole dame."
See, Joan buys a lot of fake flowers from The Dollar store and places them in vases all around her home....but she doesn't stop there. She also,"plants," them outside in window-boxes and around the tree in the yard. Sometimes I'd see her wee, hunched frame watering them herself when I was havin a smoke out on my deck and I'd laugh to myself, "Ooh you ain't foolin nobody with the fake-ass plants! There are NO flowers that blue and hot-pink in nature..."
Anyway, I didn't mind doin that for Joan today, as I said, my spirits were still so ecstatic... So I went out back to grab the watering can... As I bent down to get it, the ziploc baggie fell out of my pocket... "OOoof! I can't lose you!" I murmured to it as I picked up the ear.... I flung my hoodie over a chair and placed the baggie on the patio table as I fished for the pack of smokes in my bag... I lit a cigarette as I waited for the avocado-colored plastic watering can to fill up with water from the hose in the back and I my thoughts wandered again.....dashing from visions of me and Bri on a yacht after selling that ear, to "Ooooh we can sail to The Netherlands..... that would be kind of appropriate........Oh SHIT- Amsterdam!!!!" I smoked and I sprinkled the fake flowers with water til I heard Joan close the door behind her and place down the tray of cookies and tea...... I mosied on over there, and as I neared the table I saw that my little ziploc baggie looked open.... and empty...
"Wha...where.. what happened??!" I sputtered as I held up the ear-less bag incredulously....
Joan, still chewing, obliviously replied, "Oh dear... I hope you don't mind... I ate your..." I didn't let her finish... I dropped the watering can to the floor and gasped her by her narrow shoulders, shaking her... "What did you do!!??! WHAT DID YOU DO!!???" .... I screamed, "Joan!! SPIT IT OUT!!!!" but it was too late... He eyes shiny with fear, she gulped and I saw the shape of what was Vincent Van Gogh's ear travel down her skinny, wrinkled throat in a lump..... I let go of her and she collapsed into her seat... "I....I'm sorry.... I didn't mean to... I.... I didn't think you would mind....... I didn't mean to take your last one...." her voice shook..... I just stood there and glared at her dubiously, "Why would you do....WHY???" I picked up my sweatshirt and Zombie-like began to leave....... She called out behind me, "But you know how much I love dried fruit!!!! You know that dried apples are my favorite!!!!"
I walked up the stairs and my numbness began to transform into anger.... "Crazy old woman!!!" I seethed.... "That damned Joan!!! How STUPID, mistaking a withered, famous, human ear for a dried apple slice! Didn't she notice it was signed!!!??? WHO THE HELL would sign a dried apple slice and try to pass it off as an ear???!!!!" Anger subsided soon too...it turned into despair.... and I threw myself onto the couch despondently..."Poor crazy old woman..." I uttered.....and.... "HOW could I have been so careless with Van Gogh's ear!!!???"
Finally I picked myself up from the pit-group that had become soaked with my bitter tears and shuffled over to my back deck where I leaned over the side, "Soorrey Joan," I managed.... "I errr... haven't been sleeping," I tried to explain, feeling guilt for my violent outburst.... She didn't know, after all.... Then I made my way back inside and I wrote Ronnie an email at his Hard-to-Find Autograph shop tellin him of my awful experience..... Within minutes I received a response that read, "Honey... you are IN LUCK!!!"
Holy shit! How fuckin awesome is it that he had another signed Van Gogh ear in stock...and how fuckin kind to offer it to me for half price!!??!! I couldn't believe it..... and I raced to my mattress for the second time in less than 14 hours and gathered the what remained of my savings, reaching the bookie just in time to place a bet on the Oregon Ducks versus Cali..... I remembered all that you guys had been talking about.... "Winning cash is like passed out pussy in front of you!!!" I mean that don't do nuthin for me, but I get what you mean!!! "Everybody knows that winning money is like stealing from Jesus! It's like stealing his powers when he's asleep!" I recalled Ron saying that and yelled, "Hell yeah!!!" when it also occurred to me too what he had said, "And we all know what kind of a guy Jesus was, he'd be like, 'Hey, ya got me!' " After that revelation, I knew just what to do!!! Mr. Perfect's perfect pick would get me out of this hole! I'd be in the money and with a new ear t'boot!
OH. Well, now you know why it's taken me this entire weekend to write this blog.... I guess we all know by now how Mr. Perfect's pick turned out...... Now I am penniless and without Van Gogh's ear...... You can imagine, I've been pretty inconsolable. I couldn't even go out to watch a movie to take my mind off of things...... and when I looked for one on On Demand, they all oddly seemed to remind me of Elton John songs...Odd... So I sit here and type to you while sadly humming.... "Well I guesss that's why they call it the blues......."
So that was my weekend! Ahh whaddyagonnadooo??? Thanks for a great show on Friday... Can't wait to hear more of 'em from your new phatty studio this week!
Signed,
kathleen from the bronx :):):)
Oooh, after the show on Friday I was soooo excited to hear about, "Ron Bennington's Hard-to-Find Autograph Shop!" All Ron's talk about how these items are just gettin more valuable, "This is better buying gold! This is better than buying diamonds!" really helped me to make the decision to see just what kind of treasures I could get my lil hands on! I thought... "Yeah, yeah.... I think it's high time the ole gal starts makin some investments!"
I immediately contacted the shop....I was a little discouraged at first to hear that the, "black Santa Claus signed by Mickey Mantle," Ron had been describing was no longer available... neither was the hockey puck, signed by Jesus and Moses and seven out of the twelve apostles.... "Aw rats!!" I whined... Ooooh you know how it is when you get your lil heart set on something, huh?? My hopes felt dashed a bit, what could I possibly pick up now..? I contacted Ron once more, and somewhat sarcastically inquired, "Pleeeease then tell me that you have a signed Vincent Van Gogh's ear for sale!" feeling pretty certain that he would not, as most of what I had heard offered was sports-related......Imagine my happy surprise when Ron responded back that he did have this very item... He did! .... and for the low, low price of $3850....."but you better HURRY!" he advised...
How in the heck did you get ahold of that Ronnie B.??? Aww... you have your ways....(chuckle, chuckle)...
Well I am no fool, Ron and Fez Show, so I jumped at the offer.... Within minutes I collected almost all of the money that I keep hidden under my mattress and I made my way down to the bus station. I got on the first bus up to New York City. I had to take the bus this time....All funds must be directed toward that famous signed ear...... Man do I HATE the bus.... but this time it felt worth it.... The prize was only hours away....
...But man did those hours drag by Friday night as I sat on that darkened bus..... I felt like all eyes were upon me....Piercing eyes! They all seemed to be wondering, wondering.... I could almost hear the other passengers' thoughts... their scrutiny, "What's she got in that brown paper bag??? Why's she clutching it so hard???" This one guy leaned over from across the aisle, and urged, "Hey, hey lady, let me get sip offa that..." "It's NOT booze!" I growled back..... I know, for once a paper bag I was clinging to was not full of alcohol.... Not this time. I did not dare sleep; I barely blinked.....I held on that paper bag...repeating in my mind like a mantra, "Get to New York, get to the city....Get the ear.... GET THE EAR!"
I was already standing up in the aisle as the bus neared the station on Broadway. With my heightened anticipation I could barely wait another second to get outta there.... and as the the bus finally groaned to a halt and the doors wheezed open, I bounded right off of it, accidentally knocking some packages out of this elderly Chinese woman's hands.... Normally I would have apologized for my rudeness. I would have helped her to pick them up.... "No time, no time," I reminded myself... and I kept running... as she angrily shouted down the street after me while wringing her hands in the air, "Gwai-poh!!!! SEI GWAI-POH!!!!!!!!!!!!"
It was so late at night that "Ron Bennington's Hard-to-Find Autograph Shop," must have been closed for hours! So man, thanks for meeting me down at the deserted docks in the middle of the night on such short notice! That was really nice of ya...especially when, ya know..ya wouldn't go down and check the mail for such a trivial amount of cash......Yeah, I remembered..and had to bring it up....again!
I handed over the bag as Ron tossed me the ear of Van Gogh in a small ziploc baggie.... It was all shriveled and yellow with with his signature scrawled into it, the ancient ink bled into the fossilized wrinkles.... Gazing upon it, holding this jewel in my hands, I felt elated! Ronnie B. checked the sack of money....to make sure it was all there when and an expression revulsion crossed his face... "A TEN dollar bill?? How the fuck did THIS get in here???" he spat as he crumpled it up and threw it at my feet...The wadded bill landed right in an oily puddle, barely causing a ripple....and he added, "You can keep that shit!" Man, that was generous of you, a discount too??! See, man sometimes it pays to know people in the business!! The transaction complete, we parted ways and I ran back to the station in Chinatown.... With luck on my side I managed to make it onto the next bus heading Southbound.
Traveling home on the bus, my mood was quite different from the one I held on the way to retrieve my prize..... I was blissfully delirious and it was hard to contain! I felt simply buzzing with the knowledge that in that lil plastic bag in my pocket was the ear of the artist, Vincent Van Gogh.... A brilliant Dutch ear that used to be connected to his head....that he cut off in a fit of madness.... and there it was, right in my hand!!!! "All that beautiful, post-impressionist art was created, and you were there, ear!" I considered while seemingly entranced.... and I while resting my head against the window I peered out into the dusky light of near dawn, where stars were still twinkling over I-95....
Something just came over me, a feeling that I could not resist... Though it was a risk, I just couldn't help myself and I opened up that little baggie.... Unzipping the seal I was met with a waft of air from inside the bag.... It smelled so sweet, and I don't know if it was my imagination racing with honeyed-happiness of the moment, full of the awareness of all those great works of art that came from the brain of that man whose ear I held in my hand and all that it might mean.... the MONEY it would fetch...."Bri-Bri will be so proud of me, this will change our lives... Maybe he can retire!!!" ...but.... I simply could not abstain....and so I whispered right into Van Gogh's ear, "Starry Night indeed.... INDEED!"
As I returned home some four hours later, the sun was up and shining down intensely making all the trees changing their green leaves to bright orange and yellow seem to pop.... It appeared to enhance my already euphoric mood. I turned the corner to head up the stairs, when I ran into my neighbor, Joan, who was checking her mail.... A frail elderly woman, often times if I encountered her on the stairs I'd take her groceries in for her, stuff like that.... We had become kind of friendly, though sometimes I thought that she made up little things that she needed help with, just for the company.... not that that bothered me either.
I was kind of fun at times to sit around and look at her photos or watch the soaps with her over some tea. She stopped me and asked, "Where are you coming in from this early!? I usually don't catch hide nor hair of you until the late afternoon!" I didn't divulge my wonderful secret, but when she asked me down for tea and some gingersnaps, I didn't refuse. My mood was so high, I answered, "Why not!!?" and followed her down the stairs to her basement apartment.
"It's such a nice day, let's sit out in the back," Joan creaked in her little voice.. "While we're out there you can water my flowers for me...." I rolled my eyes a little bit to myself as I headed out back and thought, "Awww you nutty ole dame."
See, Joan buys a lot of fake flowers from The Dollar store and places them in vases all around her home....but she doesn't stop there. She also,"plants," them outside in window-boxes and around the tree in the yard. Sometimes I'd see her wee, hunched frame watering them herself when I was havin a smoke out on my deck and I'd laugh to myself, "Ooh you ain't foolin nobody with the fake-ass plants! There are NO flowers that blue and hot-pink in nature..."
Anyway, I didn't mind doin that for Joan today, as I said, my spirits were still so ecstatic... So I went out back to grab the watering can... As I bent down to get it, the ziploc baggie fell out of my pocket... "OOoof! I can't lose you!" I murmured to it as I picked up the ear.... I flung my hoodie over a chair and placed the baggie on the patio table as I fished for the pack of smokes in my bag... I lit a cigarette as I waited for the avocado-colored plastic watering can to fill up with water from the hose in the back and I my thoughts wandered again.....dashing from visions of me and Bri on a yacht after selling that ear, to "Ooooh we can sail to The Netherlands..... that would be kind of appropriate........Oh SHIT- Amsterdam!!!!" I smoked and I sprinkled the fake flowers with water til I heard Joan close the door behind her and place down the tray of cookies and tea...... I mosied on over there, and as I neared the table I saw that my little ziploc baggie looked open.... and empty...
"Wha...where.. what happened??!" I sputtered as I held up the ear-less bag incredulously....
Joan, still chewing, obliviously replied, "Oh dear... I hope you don't mind... I ate your..." I didn't let her finish... I dropped the watering can to the floor and gasped her by her narrow shoulders, shaking her... "What did you do!!??! WHAT DID YOU DO!!???" .... I screamed, "Joan!! SPIT IT OUT!!!!" but it was too late... He eyes shiny with fear, she gulped and I saw the shape of what was Vincent Van Gogh's ear travel down her skinny, wrinkled throat in a lump..... I let go of her and she collapsed into her seat... "I....I'm sorry.... I didn't mean to... I.... I didn't think you would mind....... I didn't mean to take your last one...." her voice shook..... I just stood there and glared at her dubiously, "Why would you do....WHY???" I picked up my sweatshirt and Zombie-like began to leave....... She called out behind me, "But you know how much I love dried fruit!!!! You know that dried apples are my favorite!!!!"
I walked up the stairs and my numbness began to transform into anger.... "Crazy old woman!!!" I seethed.... "That damned Joan!!! How STUPID, mistaking a withered, famous, human ear for a dried apple slice! Didn't she notice it was signed!!!??? WHO THE HELL would sign a dried apple slice and try to pass it off as an ear???!!!!" Anger subsided soon too...it turned into despair.... and I threw myself onto the couch despondently..."Poor crazy old woman..." I uttered.....and.... "HOW could I have been so careless with Van Gogh's ear!!!???"
Finally I picked myself up from the pit-group that had become soaked with my bitter tears and shuffled over to my back deck where I leaned over the side, "Soorrey Joan," I managed.... "I errr... haven't been sleeping," I tried to explain, feeling guilt for my violent outburst.... She didn't know, after all.... Then I made my way back inside and I wrote Ronnie an email at his Hard-to-Find Autograph shop tellin him of my awful experience..... Within minutes I received a response that read, "Honey... you are IN LUCK!!!"
Holy shit! How fuckin awesome is it that he had another signed Van Gogh ear in stock...and how fuckin kind to offer it to me for half price!!??!! I couldn't believe it..... and I raced to my mattress for the second time in less than 14 hours and gathered the what remained of my savings, reaching the bookie just in time to place a bet on the Oregon Ducks versus Cali..... I remembered all that you guys had been talking about.... "Winning cash is like passed out pussy in front of you!!!" I mean that don't do nuthin for me, but I get what you mean!!! "Everybody knows that winning money is like stealing from Jesus! It's like stealing his powers when he's asleep!" I recalled Ron saying that and yelled, "Hell yeah!!!" when it also occurred to me too what he had said, "And we all know what kind of a guy Jesus was, he'd be like, 'Hey, ya got me!' " After that revelation, I knew just what to do!!! Mr. Perfect's perfect pick would get me out of this hole! I'd be in the money and with a new ear t'boot!
OH. Well, now you know why it's taken me this entire weekend to write this blog.... I guess we all know by now how Mr. Perfect's pick turned out...... Now I am penniless and without Van Gogh's ear...... You can imagine, I've been pretty inconsolable. I couldn't even go out to watch a movie to take my mind off of things...... and when I looked for one on On Demand, they all oddly seemed to remind me of Elton John songs...Odd... So I sit here and type to you while sadly humming.... "Well I guesss that's why they call it the blues......."
So that was my weekend! Ahh whaddyagonnadooo??? Thanks for a great show on Friday... Can't wait to hear more of 'em from your new phatty studio this week!
Signed,
kathleen from the bronx :):):)