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10/08/07 Kid Stuff [Archive] - RonFez.net Messageboard

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Kathleen From The Bronx
10-09-2007, 12:36 AM
Dear Ron and Fez Shooow,

"The night was hot... Wait no, the night...... the night was humid. The night was humid... no wait.... hot, hot. The night was hot...... The night was hot and wet, wet and hot. The night was wet and hot, hot and wet, wet and hot... That's humid...... The night was humid....."

It is though man! Where is Fall?? Shouldn't I be wrapped in a shawl, typing to you from beside a cozy, crackling fire by now? What's with this humidity?? The humidity, it's killin me.... I'm sittin here with clown hair again! Arrgh...but I'm not writing to yez to kvetch about the weather.....this time. I was just thinkin about how you guys talked about movies about writers for a little while today..... Ron said that he'll never turn one off...... So like a pain in the ass, I quote frustrated writer, Larry Donner from Throw Momma From the Train..... "Eeeeven Throw Momma From the Train, Ronnie???!" I irritatingly needle......

Yeah, I'd watch it too......I loved that movie when I was a kid... I'm not actin like it was great.....but.... it was fun to say, "Ooooowen," like Anne Ramsey, a.k.a., the scariest woman of the 80's... Between Goonies and that movie....Shuddderrr... Her's was one impression that I and everyone else alive thought that they could do. Also I bring up that flick cause what am I gonna do, bring up memorable quotes from Barton Fink again??? Seems a week cannot go by without me bringing up John Turturro or memorable quotes from Barton Fink... Damn, that was a great movie about a writer though..... OK! I know, it's enough already! And....I just did it again...... Maybe this is how I finally go mad....like in The Shining.....except all I will do with my receding hairline and crazed look in my eyes is peck away on my old typewriter, writing over and over, "All Barton Fink and no sensible things to say make Kathleen a fuckin lunatic...." Yeah, I dig movies about writers too.....

Well anyway, speaking of clown hair.... That was a crazy story about Dave inadvertently making that little ten year old girl cry at that party! Eeek! Aw, don't let ESD get mad at me for callin him, "clown hair!" I thought that... you know, as I have red hair too I am allowed to taunt my kind with cruel slurs... Ya know.... wink-wink, nudge-nudge, and all that shit..... Besides, maybe I need segues sometimes!!! Perhaps segues make me feel as though I'm not just jabbering incoherently....

Like Dave was sayin, kids like him and always wanna play with him...... I get the same thing... The kids, they love me! I guess I am obviously a goofball and now I am wondering if it is some kinda redheaded thing too..... "Yay! Let's go play with pumpkin head!" and shit like that..... Hmmm.... I love it though, kids are the best.... Any family gathering type of deal, all the relatives with kiddies are like, "Oooh ya wonderful... You're like having a built-in babysitter!" I take that kinda praise all like, "Oh no, pashaw! It's nothing....I'm havin fun too," which is actually true.... but...I am not just a doting aunt and helping hand.... Little do these people know, I am actually also selfishly using these tykes as tiny human shields to keep me outta adult conversations that always begin with people I haven't seen in a while asking, "So what have you been up to!??"

I have been up to nothing! So I always respond to that line of questioning vaguely like, "Ya know, just more of the same," or, "Oh a little of this and that..." What am I supposed to reply? "As you are well aware, I am a hair-farmer and a hipster, by trade." I've tried that one before and though I expected that it might be just bewildering enough to cease further inquiry... Sadly, it does not... After momentary blank stares, there are always more questions..... Oooh if only adults were as amused and distracted by my comical jaunty dances and silly, made-up songs like the children are... Damn.

The holidays are not so far off now, so I have started planning some new responses to the interrogations...The next time that any one of em ask me about what I'm doing these days I will tell them, "I am frittering my life away!" Hopefully that will be confusing and off-putting enough... but in case it is not adequate, and if their faces might show worry and concern, I can yell, "No, LITERALLY!"

I'll say, "Ohh I thought you knew, I fry fritters....ooooh all kinds of fritters.... I fry em day and night in me aule shack by the sea..." Then I'll act out my occupation, pantomiming shaking a frying pan, while calling out in a salty English accent, "Fri'tehs!!! Fri'tehs!!! All koinds of fri'tehs! Get yeh fri'tehs, loves!!!" Afterward I will relate that when I finally kick the bucket, all the ole sea-dogs of the town will gather at the shanty pub and drink to me with a tear in their eyes, toasting, "Aye the poor aule gal.....She frittered her life away!" That'll do, don't ya think? Yes... This is the year I start lying. I made a mental note to not make the falsehoods too elaborate.... I do drink after all....and it's possible that I could forget some details at a later date.... I don't want to get all flummoxed and respond, "What the fuck are you talking about???!" if a relative asks me, "So how was Sri Lanka?"

Uhhh anyway.... Aww that story though! I know it was an accident and Dave didn't mean for her to overhear that he didn't wanna play her, "stupid video game," through an open window...... but damn! That sucked to think of her running upstairs and flinging herself on a bed, sobbing... I hope that she bought his crazily concocted apology.... Ronnie said that she probably didn't.... "Kids will put a very thin shell over anything, but she was still crushed." Yeah man, things like that will stick with a kid! Just think of Fezzie and all the sorted childhood memories he brings up that still haunt him..... the memories that nobody who was at Bob Newhart Unmasked believes anymore after meeting his adorable parents...

Man, that Unmasked just rocked... but I'll wait until it airs to rattle on and on about every great thing that I loved about that great interview.....I loved what Ron told today about how after the show, back-stage, Bob Newhart was sayin, "Thanks for not stepping on all my lines like some late-night talk show host with a gigantic jaw." Yeah.... Unmasked seriously was beeeast.... :0)

For real though, to see Fezzie and his precious, chaming lil parents did have me exclaiming all day, "Ohh my God! They are the cutest people on the face of our planet Earth!!!" I can't give Fezzie a hard time and act like all his harrowing tales were fabricated.... though.... I have to admit it did make me cackle to hear Ronnie say, "Your past isn't real!" and to hear Fez screamin, "They're elderly now! They can't put up a fight!!!" or, "No! This is the '07 version!!!" Funniest shit..... See here's the thing... People have met my parents too and say, "Oh they are soo nice! What lovely people!" and...man especially when I was a kid I'd have to raise a sarcastic eyebrow and say, "Oh yeah....Wonderful!" Oooh, I do love them... and they are great.... I say that extra emphatically now that they like me..... now since I don't live with them anymore! :0) When I go home these days and everyone's happy to see me I do feel a little suspicious of it all...."WHO arrre you people, what are you up to??" Nah I'm jusss kiddin... mostly.

Well, when I was a kid I'm sure that I deserved any screaming and punishment that came my way......now that I think about it. I can definitely at this point cue some nostalgic Irish tune to play in the background as I tell yez that my lil mother really is a saint... A saint! Maybe I should break something.... send a bottle smashing against a wall and start weeping now..... My saint of a mother, she did have to yell at me sometimes...and it just had to be that I was a wretched, ghastly child... I'm pretty sure....

I can vividly remember sitting at our formica kitchen table, hating life and feeling quite victimized while gettin reprimanded for some awful thing that I had been caught doing.... Screaming, screaming and then the phone rings..... My moms goes to answer it and within a split second removes all traces of anger from her voice and sweetly says, "Helllooo?" and then goes on to have some chuckley conversation with whoever was on the other end of the line......

I just sat there seething, thinking, "WHAT A FRAUD!!" This woman was just threatening to kill me if she ever caught me doing that(whatever it was) again! I got up to try to slyly make my escape, and though she was still mid-laugh in her phone chat, she gave me such clenched-teeth, narrow-eyed-look ... Pointing a big metal spoon at my head and then at the chair... "YOU, SIT!!" she motioned to me to get my ass back in that chair til she was done with me.. I just sat there listening to her laughin on the phone, sullenly thinking.... "Ooooh if they only knew...."

Anyway, I'm sure that I had it comin... I mean, during teenage years too.... It just felt absolutely insane to hear my father's co-workers ask me, "So what's it like having such a hilarious father?!" I'd say something polite I guess, but in my head I'd be like, "Why don't you tell me, man?" Eeesh...... "YEAH... he's a riot!" I dunno it must be some universal thing.... Cause I can recall saying to my Long Island cousins that their parents, my aunt and uncle were just the nicest, funnest people in the world and having them look at me, rolling their eyes like I was bat-shit insane...... and yet......

I still felt like it had to be some kind of not-so-hidden crime, some kind of abuse, the way that my parents would, and STILL will, bring up stories from when I was a kid to family and strangers alike.... Torture! It is torture.....They know that I think it's embarrassing and hideous! I say it every time.... Ohh they care not. For instance..... there was this one time when I was eight or nine and we were on some long car trip in Georgia for some reason..... It was my parents, my uncle, my little brothers and I...... My brothers and I were pretty goofy from all the time in the car......

So when we finally stopped at this rest area and we were running around like nuts and I apparently leapt up onto a picnic table and sang some lines from, 'The Raven:'
"Once upon a midnight dreary... while I pondered weak and weary....Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten looore....While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping....As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door... (misquoting) QUOTH THE RAVEN NEVER MOOOORE!!!"

I belted out pieces of a poem on a picnic table...while doing a Tina Turner impression.... singin with a raspy voice and dancing..... I had been reading a collection of Edgar Allen Poe short stories in the car.... I have not a fuckin clue what the Tina Turner bit was about...

That's probably the stupidest shit I've ever heard of in my life, whatever the hell that routine was about... Ugh!!! Oooooh but my father, he just loves it.... Loves to bring it up even to this day when a bunch of relatives are around or whatever...... TO THIS DAY!! I'm really like, "Seriously.... STOP!!" That shit's not funny.... It was a retarded! They should have thrown be down into the nearest cellar and hidden me for something like that! It has to be an act of vengeance to constantly reference it publicly! ALSO! I'll be like, "Listen, I can assure you, in the past twenty years or so I MUST have done something funnier than that..... Please update!!!" Shudder.....

Oy, besides that...lookin back on old photo albums and seeing some of the tragic hairstyles and horrible outfits that these people made me live through.....I can more than feel that there had to be some kind of resentment toward me....some kind of distaste...They lashed out at me through bad styling. Bad bangs and stupid dresses; some abuse leaves no bruises.... Oh I have the proof. Uhhh anyway, parents.... 'Ey whaddayagonnadoooo??? They sing a different tune around strangers, I know it......

Speaking of kids some more, I always dig when Lenay comes to visit with you guys! You Ron and Fezzie are always so funny with her.... It's always on the verge of cringey with the craziness that you guys say to her....and yet so hysterical....Stuff about maybe she likes girls, or that she sits at, "the nerdy table," or, like Ron said, "I'm not trying to say I was more advanced than you when I was ten, but I had a penis." I was wincing and rollin at the same time......."If you don't smoke, what are you gonna do when you drink beer?" It's the greatest and Lenay just rolls wit it all.... I'm always impressed. Yes man, always good stuff....

I gotta say, today I really noticed her soundin more grown up! Awww... Lil Lenay, growin up...all with her Tiger Beat magazines and everything (nostalgically wipes away a tear)....... Oh shit, one of the funniest things to me was when Ron said to her, "Here lemme see that picture you have there of Josh Hutcherson; I'll autograph it for you..." and then proceeded to write, "Deeear Lenay, You'll never get me, you live in a dream world..." and Fez asking her, "Are you stalking him??" Aw man, that cracked me up.... Ooof and I just realized at this moment that my parents could easily torment me with stories about the dumb crushes I had as a kid and the pictures I'd cut out of magazines or whatever.... Again I shudder..... Those are horrifying confessions for another day......

More kid stuff- The topic came up about adults who collect toys and, "What's your favorite toy?" Dave was goin on about his Star Wars Boba Fett doll thing and his Pez dispensers...... When it was revealed later on that during a break he had made some lecherous comments about Babygirl and Angelfuck, who were in the studio....Casey at home was havin none of it and decided to smash his Boba Fett and Pez dispensers to smitereeens..... Holy shit!!! That was quite exciting, man.... I was like, "Oh shit! Is she really doin that??! Is that for real??"

I'm guessing that it was all authentic violence against toys, judging by the banshee screams of, "NOOOOOOOooooooooo!!!!!" that Dave screeched like a wounded animal...... Wow, so dramatic! Funniest thing was that as Dave was howling in pain at the loss of his treasured toys... Ron asked him, "So what are you going to do when you get home, Dave... Make dinner???" and Fez chimed in, "or are ya gonna have a Fet?" HAH! I have to say I was laughin so hard....

Anyway, great show today Ron and Fezzie.... I better go and get to work on constructing some kind of safe-house for my smurf collection...for my dear little smurflings.... for when I can't keep a watchful eye on em....... Woooooo..... I think I better do that just to be cautious... I had a scary vision of coming home to find them burned, melted down into a horrible, scorched, blue blob........ You just never know..... Peace out!

Signed,

kathleen from the bronx :):):)

buzzard
10-09-2007, 12:48 AM
Jeez..now ya got me staying up just to read yer bloggies! Apple fritters are the best fritters we get clownhair..ferget it!!!....and yes,Lenay has grown-up right before my ears.Thank-You for......making me stay-up,wasn't the best of days till you!:clap:

MikeB
10-09-2007, 12:49 AM
This might be even too late for Ron to read.


I think the blog needs some sort of rating system for that days show. Like the larper use to do for his reviews.

spoon
10-09-2007, 01:08 AM
""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""

Kathleen From The Bronx
10-09-2007, 01:10 AM
Jeez..now ya got me staying up just to read yer bloggies! Apple fritters are the best fritters we get clownhair..ferget it!!!....and yes,Lenay has grown-up right before my ears.Thank-You for......making me stay-up,wasn't the best of days till you!:clap:

Thanks so much bird..... :0) Hope tomorrow/later today is better for ya.....

Kathleen From The Bronx
10-09-2007, 01:16 AM
This might be even too late for Ron to read.

.

Man I know! Too fuckin late.... got insomnia like a beeeotch... It's ridiculous anymore! Believe it or not I'm walkin on air...uhh... I mean, believe it or not I am tryin to change the vampire hours I keep..... Thanks for checkin it out buddy :0)

""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""

Oooooh Spoon, what does this meeeean???? :0)
:devil2:

hedges
10-09-2007, 01:55 AM
I mean, believe it or not I am tryin to change the vampire hours I keep.....

Don't change a thing, (unless you really have to)...I love coming home from work late night and reading your blogs right after they were written. I know, terribly selfish of me...

Lurkin McWeirdo
10-09-2007, 04:02 AM
love it :nono:

Kathleen From The Bronx
10-09-2007, 02:11 PM
Don't change a thing, (unless you really have to)...I love coming home from work late night and reading your blogs right after they were written. I know, terribly selfish of me...

Nah! Not selfish of you, I appreciate! Thanks hedges :0)
love it :nono:

:wub:

spoon
10-09-2007, 02:13 PM
Oooooh Spoon, what does this meeeean???? :0)
:devil2:

Just some more quotes for your edit!

Kathleen From The Bronx
10-09-2007, 02:16 PM
Just some more quotes for your edit!

OOOOOOH!! (I smacka the forehead!) Hah! Man, I am sooo slooow sometimes... Thank you sir... :0)


:drunk:

spoon
10-09-2007, 02:18 PM
I may be the only peep that reads the edit reasons so watch out!!1


:wink:

drjoek
10-09-2007, 02:18 PM
as always a great read
i didnt get to read it to this evening

Awesome job

spoon
10-09-2007, 02:19 PM
And there is the limit on edit reasoning!

Kathleen From The Bronx
10-09-2007, 02:23 PM
I may be the only peep that reads the edit reasons so watch out!!1

:wink:

Man I think you are! I always find some dumb shit to edit and anytime I do....I write something reeeaaallly stoopit as my reason..... I don't know why this kinda makes me all happy that my dumb ass edits have been realized...... if even only by one! What a glorious day this turned out to be...... :smoke:
as always a great read
i didnt get to read it to this evening

Awesome job

Thanks drjoe!!!!!!!!!! :0)

spoon
10-09-2007, 02:26 PM
...

Kathleen From The Bronx
10-09-2007, 02:30 PM
...

I'm gonna start writing the whole blog in the lil edit box.....

spoon
10-09-2007, 02:32 PM
.

The Blowhard
10-09-2007, 02:32 PM
Great stuff as usual, KBX. How long until "Unmasked" with Kathleen from the Bronx?

Kathleen From The Bronx
10-09-2007, 02:52 PM
Great stuff as usual, KBX. How long until "Unmasked" with Kathleen from the Bronx?

Aww.... I told you I was born with this mask....I can't do nuthin about it! Jeeeez....Every chance ya get ya go callin me, "Rocky Dennis head"..... !!!
Cruel Blowhard! :0)

Marc with a c
10-09-2007, 04:10 PM
i like reading your blogs. i read them at work.

spoon
10-09-2007, 05:27 PM
.

Marc with a c
10-09-2007, 05:28 PM
nice segues.

Hottub
10-09-2007, 05:36 PM
nice segues.


Oooohhh!! Now I'm telling Bri Bri on you!!

You're gonna get troubled!!! Na na nana na!!

Marc with a c
10-09-2007, 05:37 PM
Oooohhh!! Now I'm telling Bri Bri on you!!

You're gonna get troubled!!! Na na nana na!!

bri bri please no

spoon
10-09-2007, 05:55 PM
Damn Str8!

The Blowhard
10-11-2007, 07:41 PM
Aww.... I told you I was born with this mask....I can't do nuthin about it! Jeeeez....Every chance ya get ya go callin me, "Rocky Dennis head"..... !!!
Cruel Blowhard! :0)

Naah, you're far from "Rocky Dennis head". I say Maureen O'Hara, and you should be cast in "The Quiet Man 2". Filmed on location in the muddy, cow pie fields of Virginia, you toss Bri-Bri , the love of your life, a switchblade during the big fight! You both ride off into the sunset on a mule, chugging tall boys on your way north to Philly.

Kathleen From The Bronx
10-12-2007, 12:13 PM
Naah, you're far from "Rocky Dennis head". I say Maureen O'Hara, and you should be cast in "The Quiet Man 2". Filmed on location in the muddy, cow pie fields of Virginia, you toss Bri-Bri , the love of your life, a switchblade during the big fight! You both ride off into the sunset on a mule, chugging tall boys on your way north to Philly.

I'm casting you for the role of Michaleen O' Flynn.....

Quiet Man Music:
Daaaaaah- doo- dah- dooo- dah- doooo- dah- doooodahh dooooooooooo... DAHHHH do dah do dah doo dah dooooo dah dooooooooooooo........