Kathleen From The Bronx
10-10-2007, 01:59 AM
Dear Ron and Fez Shooow,
Hey, how's it goin? Ohh I only ask cause ya seem to love it when people call in and ask you that.... It is my sincere wish that upon reading that greeting you might hiss, "None of your God-damned business..." Yeah man, that would fill my lil heart with glee..... Well, I'll tell ya what.... I love lists, Ron and Fez Show! You guys were talkin about all the copious amounts of lists that are published online and in magazines all the time.... Yup, I love lists too....except I generally disagree with just about every list that circulates around.... I just like to keep lists myself. In fact, it's become almost like this O.C.D.-like obsession.....
It started when I was a kid and I'd scribble down an inventory of all the records and tapes I had and all the ones I wanted to buy..... and books I planned on reading.....films that I planned on seeing.....and it really scarily generated into this whole crazy compulsion to the point that I fear at some juncture I may just never stop my constant compiling and compartmentalizing until every stinkin thought I have finds it's way into a tidy column..... Yikes, right??? I know.... I mean, at this point I have an uncomfortable heaping of notebooks just filled with all kinds of crazy manifests.....
I know that I've already told you that I have the odd habit of determining what animals celebrities resemble......That started off innocently enough as just one account.......but as it grew by leaps and bounds I found myself propelled by the urge to narrow it down into sections.... "Women who look like cats"..."Women who look like birds"...."Hyena-people"... etc. It really has occurred to me that if I were to meet some unfortunate demise and someone had to go through all these organized musings, it well might be quite the startling discovery..... like, "WHAT..... da fuck???" Ohhh..I realize that this is a morbid vision.... and so, of course it fills me with a feeling of sinister amusement....
It just dawned on me that perhaps I should take the time to sign each notebook, somewhere inside, "I told you bitches I was crazy!!!" Ya know, just in case..... I'd like to leave some subtle lil clues like that for the investigators as they peruse the lists.....Like maybe I'll scrawl the message in there amid my, "Hair-hat," list..... Maybe you're thinking, "Don't you mean wig??" No I do not mean wig....Come on! I mean, some people look like they are wearing terrible hats made of hair....Gene Simmons. I could include some eerie hints regarding my mental state in my, "Redheads good and evil," list as well.... That's a fave... In the, "good column," there reads but one name, "ME!" Yeah.... that list is really solely for my own self-esteem... I hope that whoever's goin through my stuff isn't so alarmed that they stop delving into the notebooks.... I don't want em to miss my list of, "Possible enemies." There are certain to be many clues just right there, I don't need to slide in any illusive tips in that one. It's pretty clear-cut: Snake-head fish, every character in that cartoon, The Littles....and Larry King......... There might be more, I can't divulge everything.... I write them down in me book, and strike a line through em!
Well anyway, I sure do love lists.... and I have way more than listed there.... a thought that should probably fill me with self-loathing...but oddly causes me to wonder if maybe it's time that I dedicate a list for keeping track of all my lists....Probably gonna have to do that...Gotta stay organized....
I thought that the one that you guys discussed today was really fun: The Worst Lyricists in Rock..... Hey, have I mentioned that, "The rivers are full of crocodile nasties...and He who made kittens put snakes in the graahhss!!!" So funny to me that yez brought up Jethro Tull's, "Bungle in the Jungle!" I just knew Ian Anderson hadda be on that list.... Now let's rock out everybody and play a lil air-flute!! Wooooo! Tweeedley deeeee....... Ahem...
As I loathe the band Rush.... I was laughin happily to hear their magical nonsense called out.... Listening to some of their lyrics Ron stated, "You should go to jail for that!" Indeed.... Throw em in a prison cell with all the awful others.... Contain that corny caterwauling! The only problem with that is, there is the chance that all the culprits would probably form some super-band of awful lyricists and with their powers they might be able to bust outta the joint, over-powering the guards with their songs of ultimate wretchedness.... or something....like... that....
It just had me rollin too that Sting was toppin the list of badness! Ronnie called him a, "Medieval Times wanna-be." Yeah man, for real... A couple of months ago it was seriously impossible to avoid seein Sting on TV with his lute.... Every time I'd turn around.... Sting! Lute! Euuuugh! He's a looter....A friend of mine warned me of that one time.... and I thought... "What a crazy pun!" ....And it turns out, 'twas more than a pun! He was right! Sting is a looter of bumper-sticker messages! Holy shit..... I was cackling to hear you guys talk about the song he wrote, "If You Love Somebody Set Them Free." Ron disgustedly proclaimed that such shit has been written on t-shirts and bumper stickers for decades....... Man, and I KNOW that I have see it printed onto inspirational calendars and posters, all depicting an empty birdcage and a dove or whatever bird flying off into the sunset.... Oh my God, what a turd! Ron yelled with revulsion, "You can't steal songs from bumper stickers you piece of shit!!!"
You can't, or....... you CAN????
When Ronnie added that's like stealing the ole bumper sticker saying, "Ass, grass or gas- Nobody rides for free!" It got me thinking.... That sounds like some kinda late 60's song by some band like Country Joe and the Fish....
See, this lil Sting song-writing revelation hit me like a flash...... Thieving inspiration from bumper stickers is like the worst idea in the world.... and therefore I think that I want to pinch it for myself! I think the ole gal has finally found herself a high-powered career in the music biz..... I'll probably have to start a record label, and produce and that kinda stuff, as I have no musical talent of my own.... What I DO have already are some fantastic songs that I wrote! Hmmm...Let's seeee....... So far I have this lil gem that I like to call, "Horn Broken...Watch for Finger;" a stirring and heartbreaking song about down-on-his-luck, hitchhiking clown...........
I'll be the Mutt Lange of the bumper-sticker song world.....I don't care if I have to lock these fuckers from the bands in the studio for days until they get, "Mean People Suck," and, "If You Don't Like the Way I Drive, Get Off the Sidewalk!!" just exactly perfect..... I mean, I hate to be a stern task-master about these things.... but songs like, "Visualize Whirled Peas," are just too damned important to half-ass! .....You know??!?!
I'm not gonna lie to you buddies..... I do have some pretty high-falootin, pie-in-the-sky hopes about this new brainchild of a career of mine....... I am hoping that as my reputation for excellence spreads throughout the industry, I'll be able to work with some big-names... I don't wanna get too ahead of myself here, but it is my ambition to do some kind of collaboration with Jethro Tull..... I believe that my song, "Your Village Called, Their Idiot is Missing," would be just simply sublime accompanied by rock-flute! Rock flute, a goblet of mead, and thee.....Jethro Tull...
Thank God I stole this epiphany from Sting...... Speaking of God, I am considering tapping into the whole Christian Rock market that's so gigantic right now too..... I have a lil ditty I like to call, "Jesus is Coming, Look Busy!" and I smell a hit!!!
Oh, on a side note, I used to see this bumper sticker all the time when I was a kid that read, "My Boss is a Jewish Carpenter." It's pretty embarrassing to admit that I really did not get the meaning of that one for quite sometime.... Even after all that church and Catholic School..... I'd be sittin in the back seat of the car drivin down The Grand Concourse pondering, "WHO?? Who is this Jewish carpenter all these people are workin for!??" Yeah... not the most clever child....... When it finally hit me I was like... "Oh...Jesus...Yup...OK...real cute."
Oh yeah..... That was really funny today when you guys were talkin to Earl about his belief that Jesus was African.....My favorite line from that conversation was when Ronnie said, "The only African I'm really a fan of is Paul Simon." Killed me.... Paul Simon, the white leader of Africa from the Graceland days...... Fuckin hilarious....... Oh, and dude... I too want ya Ronnie B. to get to the bottom of this cultural mystery involving all the African bag-packers at the supermarket drinking from bowls instead of cups! How intriguing....... You gotta go the urban-Anthropologist route on this one.... cause I wanna know.... Professor Bennington conduct your fieldwork in the A&P or whatever.....
I mean, I do that Anthropology act all the time.... It's usually when I'm in uncomfortable situations though.... like when I am forced to go to a mall, or to an office Christmas party..... Anyway, anytime I get that panicky, "What am I doin here??" feeling in the foreign lands, I let myself believe that I'm simply conducting an Anthropological cultural study and utter to myself things like, "Fascinating...hmmmm.... interesting dynamic...AH! This one fancies himself the leader!" as I jot down observations in my field-notes...You know, whatever I can do to not exist in reality.....but this is different for you! You actually have a real reason to observe and take notes...... Yes.... Indeed.....Also, please wear some kinda khaki outfit when you are out doin your fieldwork.... It adds to the ambiance of the whole thing for me.... Thanks. Also, I'm probably gonna refer to you at these times as, "Ronz Boas," after Franz Boas, "The Father of American Anthropology." Ronnie B. will come to be known as, "The Father of Radio Anthropology." It's just something I'm gonna do, let's not argue about it... Again, thanks.
Anyway, I loved it that Fezzie seemed to find the possible-African custom of bowl drinkin quite alluring..... and that he was willing to give it a try.... I had to cackle when Dave laughed, "He looks like a cat!" cause moments before as I pictured Fezzie drinkin from his bowl, I literally had the thought, "Ahh... The Big Cat is at it again." Crazy.....Adorable! Oh and speakin of that.... Ron brought up that, "liquid-food, like soup should never be eaten in public... It's disgusting and can never be eaten properly!" He cited the widespread slurping problem..... Ay geez.... Fez found this quite perplexing..... I was not surprised at his alarm.... You see, I have also done some research in the field on the rare Fezzie tribe, I know that one of their most cherished rituals and greatest joys is, "A cold beer and hot soup!" Please, please I implore you....do not rob the Fezzies of their culture! Uuuhhh anyway.... Enough with this rambling Anthropology nonsense..... Damn, you guys covered many other topics today...but I think I better let yez go..... Been goin on and on here..... OK! Hear yez later....
Signed,
kathleen from the bronx :):):)
Hey, how's it goin? Ohh I only ask cause ya seem to love it when people call in and ask you that.... It is my sincere wish that upon reading that greeting you might hiss, "None of your God-damned business..." Yeah man, that would fill my lil heart with glee..... Well, I'll tell ya what.... I love lists, Ron and Fez Show! You guys were talkin about all the copious amounts of lists that are published online and in magazines all the time.... Yup, I love lists too....except I generally disagree with just about every list that circulates around.... I just like to keep lists myself. In fact, it's become almost like this O.C.D.-like obsession.....
It started when I was a kid and I'd scribble down an inventory of all the records and tapes I had and all the ones I wanted to buy..... and books I planned on reading.....films that I planned on seeing.....and it really scarily generated into this whole crazy compulsion to the point that I fear at some juncture I may just never stop my constant compiling and compartmentalizing until every stinkin thought I have finds it's way into a tidy column..... Yikes, right??? I know.... I mean, at this point I have an uncomfortable heaping of notebooks just filled with all kinds of crazy manifests.....
I know that I've already told you that I have the odd habit of determining what animals celebrities resemble......That started off innocently enough as just one account.......but as it grew by leaps and bounds I found myself propelled by the urge to narrow it down into sections.... "Women who look like cats"..."Women who look like birds"...."Hyena-people"... etc. It really has occurred to me that if I were to meet some unfortunate demise and someone had to go through all these organized musings, it well might be quite the startling discovery..... like, "WHAT..... da fuck???" Ohhh..I realize that this is a morbid vision.... and so, of course it fills me with a feeling of sinister amusement....
It just dawned on me that perhaps I should take the time to sign each notebook, somewhere inside, "I told you bitches I was crazy!!!" Ya know, just in case..... I'd like to leave some subtle lil clues like that for the investigators as they peruse the lists.....Like maybe I'll scrawl the message in there amid my, "Hair-hat," list..... Maybe you're thinking, "Don't you mean wig??" No I do not mean wig....Come on! I mean, some people look like they are wearing terrible hats made of hair....Gene Simmons. I could include some eerie hints regarding my mental state in my, "Redheads good and evil," list as well.... That's a fave... In the, "good column," there reads but one name, "ME!" Yeah.... that list is really solely for my own self-esteem... I hope that whoever's goin through my stuff isn't so alarmed that they stop delving into the notebooks.... I don't want em to miss my list of, "Possible enemies." There are certain to be many clues just right there, I don't need to slide in any illusive tips in that one. It's pretty clear-cut: Snake-head fish, every character in that cartoon, The Littles....and Larry King......... There might be more, I can't divulge everything.... I write them down in me book, and strike a line through em!
Well anyway, I sure do love lists.... and I have way more than listed there.... a thought that should probably fill me with self-loathing...but oddly causes me to wonder if maybe it's time that I dedicate a list for keeping track of all my lists....Probably gonna have to do that...Gotta stay organized....
I thought that the one that you guys discussed today was really fun: The Worst Lyricists in Rock..... Hey, have I mentioned that, "The rivers are full of crocodile nasties...and He who made kittens put snakes in the graahhss!!!" So funny to me that yez brought up Jethro Tull's, "Bungle in the Jungle!" I just knew Ian Anderson hadda be on that list.... Now let's rock out everybody and play a lil air-flute!! Wooooo! Tweeedley deeeee....... Ahem...
As I loathe the band Rush.... I was laughin happily to hear their magical nonsense called out.... Listening to some of their lyrics Ron stated, "You should go to jail for that!" Indeed.... Throw em in a prison cell with all the awful others.... Contain that corny caterwauling! The only problem with that is, there is the chance that all the culprits would probably form some super-band of awful lyricists and with their powers they might be able to bust outta the joint, over-powering the guards with their songs of ultimate wretchedness.... or something....like... that....
It just had me rollin too that Sting was toppin the list of badness! Ronnie called him a, "Medieval Times wanna-be." Yeah man, for real... A couple of months ago it was seriously impossible to avoid seein Sting on TV with his lute.... Every time I'd turn around.... Sting! Lute! Euuuugh! He's a looter....A friend of mine warned me of that one time.... and I thought... "What a crazy pun!" ....And it turns out, 'twas more than a pun! He was right! Sting is a looter of bumper-sticker messages! Holy shit..... I was cackling to hear you guys talk about the song he wrote, "If You Love Somebody Set Them Free." Ron disgustedly proclaimed that such shit has been written on t-shirts and bumper stickers for decades....... Man, and I KNOW that I have see it printed onto inspirational calendars and posters, all depicting an empty birdcage and a dove or whatever bird flying off into the sunset.... Oh my God, what a turd! Ron yelled with revulsion, "You can't steal songs from bumper stickers you piece of shit!!!"
You can't, or....... you CAN????
When Ronnie added that's like stealing the ole bumper sticker saying, "Ass, grass or gas- Nobody rides for free!" It got me thinking.... That sounds like some kinda late 60's song by some band like Country Joe and the Fish....
See, this lil Sting song-writing revelation hit me like a flash...... Thieving inspiration from bumper stickers is like the worst idea in the world.... and therefore I think that I want to pinch it for myself! I think the ole gal has finally found herself a high-powered career in the music biz..... I'll probably have to start a record label, and produce and that kinda stuff, as I have no musical talent of my own.... What I DO have already are some fantastic songs that I wrote! Hmmm...Let's seeee....... So far I have this lil gem that I like to call, "Horn Broken...Watch for Finger;" a stirring and heartbreaking song about down-on-his-luck, hitchhiking clown...........
I'll be the Mutt Lange of the bumper-sticker song world.....I don't care if I have to lock these fuckers from the bands in the studio for days until they get, "Mean People Suck," and, "If You Don't Like the Way I Drive, Get Off the Sidewalk!!" just exactly perfect..... I mean, I hate to be a stern task-master about these things.... but songs like, "Visualize Whirled Peas," are just too damned important to half-ass! .....You know??!?!
I'm not gonna lie to you buddies..... I do have some pretty high-falootin, pie-in-the-sky hopes about this new brainchild of a career of mine....... I am hoping that as my reputation for excellence spreads throughout the industry, I'll be able to work with some big-names... I don't wanna get too ahead of myself here, but it is my ambition to do some kind of collaboration with Jethro Tull..... I believe that my song, "Your Village Called, Their Idiot is Missing," would be just simply sublime accompanied by rock-flute! Rock flute, a goblet of mead, and thee.....Jethro Tull...
Thank God I stole this epiphany from Sting...... Speaking of God, I am considering tapping into the whole Christian Rock market that's so gigantic right now too..... I have a lil ditty I like to call, "Jesus is Coming, Look Busy!" and I smell a hit!!!
Oh, on a side note, I used to see this bumper sticker all the time when I was a kid that read, "My Boss is a Jewish Carpenter." It's pretty embarrassing to admit that I really did not get the meaning of that one for quite sometime.... Even after all that church and Catholic School..... I'd be sittin in the back seat of the car drivin down The Grand Concourse pondering, "WHO?? Who is this Jewish carpenter all these people are workin for!??" Yeah... not the most clever child....... When it finally hit me I was like... "Oh...Jesus...Yup...OK...real cute."
Oh yeah..... That was really funny today when you guys were talkin to Earl about his belief that Jesus was African.....My favorite line from that conversation was when Ronnie said, "The only African I'm really a fan of is Paul Simon." Killed me.... Paul Simon, the white leader of Africa from the Graceland days...... Fuckin hilarious....... Oh, and dude... I too want ya Ronnie B. to get to the bottom of this cultural mystery involving all the African bag-packers at the supermarket drinking from bowls instead of cups! How intriguing....... You gotta go the urban-Anthropologist route on this one.... cause I wanna know.... Professor Bennington conduct your fieldwork in the A&P or whatever.....
I mean, I do that Anthropology act all the time.... It's usually when I'm in uncomfortable situations though.... like when I am forced to go to a mall, or to an office Christmas party..... Anyway, anytime I get that panicky, "What am I doin here??" feeling in the foreign lands, I let myself believe that I'm simply conducting an Anthropological cultural study and utter to myself things like, "Fascinating...hmmmm.... interesting dynamic...AH! This one fancies himself the leader!" as I jot down observations in my field-notes...You know, whatever I can do to not exist in reality.....but this is different for you! You actually have a real reason to observe and take notes...... Yes.... Indeed.....Also, please wear some kinda khaki outfit when you are out doin your fieldwork.... It adds to the ambiance of the whole thing for me.... Thanks. Also, I'm probably gonna refer to you at these times as, "Ronz Boas," after Franz Boas, "The Father of American Anthropology." Ronnie B. will come to be known as, "The Father of Radio Anthropology." It's just something I'm gonna do, let's not argue about it... Again, thanks.
Anyway, I loved it that Fezzie seemed to find the possible-African custom of bowl drinkin quite alluring..... and that he was willing to give it a try.... I had to cackle when Dave laughed, "He looks like a cat!" cause moments before as I pictured Fezzie drinkin from his bowl, I literally had the thought, "Ahh... The Big Cat is at it again." Crazy.....Adorable! Oh and speakin of that.... Ron brought up that, "liquid-food, like soup should never be eaten in public... It's disgusting and can never be eaten properly!" He cited the widespread slurping problem..... Ay geez.... Fez found this quite perplexing..... I was not surprised at his alarm.... You see, I have also done some research in the field on the rare Fezzie tribe, I know that one of their most cherished rituals and greatest joys is, "A cold beer and hot soup!" Please, please I implore you....do not rob the Fezzies of their culture! Uuuhhh anyway.... Enough with this rambling Anthropology nonsense..... Damn, you guys covered many other topics today...but I think I better let yez go..... Been goin on and on here..... OK! Hear yez later....
Signed,
kathleen from the bronx :):):)