I Hate Everything

[dereckfishboy]

I don't expect sympathy because I post from the shadows for a couple weeks and then disappear for months on end.... I don't really have relationships with any of the board members anymore, so I'm not looking for advice or a pep talk or any of that jazz..... I just need to get this shit out right now because I feel my ability to stay rational is wavering right now and I need to release a little bit of pressure until a day or so when I have the luxury of eating a bunch a sleeping pills and retreating to the dark recesses of my mind to hopefully recover a tad bit of fortitude......

It's been a rough year for me, I've had a lot of bum shit happen to me, but I've sucked it up and plowed through.... But where I'm at right now, I've been before and I'm all too familiar with what comes next..... I hurt all the fucking time, and I've toughed it out and let my problems pile on and pile on until I feel like I'm going to collapse and still like a good little soldier I squared my shoulders and kept plowing forward...... But I have deep-seeded problems that I can only ever keep at bay for so long, and at this stage of my life I fully recognize that I'm reaching that threshold.... I have a horrible addiction for self-destruction..... Whenever I've gotten to this point in the past, I've just let myself fall apart.... do the old "hit as low as I can so I can push off the bottom" gimmick.... I can't do that anymore.... When I was a kid, I'd drink and do drugs until I'd do permanent damage to my body and shit, I'd make horrible decisions for a moments respite, I'd make horrible decsions night after night until my life was so fucked up that anything would be an improvment.... but I ain't a kid anymore, I've got kids of my own now...... how the fuck do I stay strong for them.... I ain't strong.... I've done real good for a while now, years longer than ever before, and I don't know where to go anymore.... I'm clean now, and it took half my life to do it.... yet all I want to do is hurt myself so bad..... FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!

I don't know what to do, I can't sink to the bottom anymore, I have people that I drag with me now, people who deserve better.....I want to drink until I'm broke, I want to do lines until I bite a hole in my lip..... I got nothing left anymore.... I got no one left to hold me up, I pushed them all away...... So what do I do now, just let my pain rot inside me like an infection? I can't fix this shit like normal people, I always just kick over the sand castle and build a new one tomorrow......

I'm sick of being a fucking broken person.... it seems like no matter how much I clean up my act, no matter how much growing I do that I'm always going to be fucked-up.... No matter how much i try to be normal and well rounded, I'll never get there because I'm emulating it instead of understanding it.....

I'm a good dad, but I really am a horrible person and at the end of the day I don't know that I'll be able to keep those things from bleeding into each other..... FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK I FUCKING HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!!

WHY DO I HAVE TO BE SO FUCKED UP?!!?! WHY CAN'T I JUST NOT BE LIKE THIS ANYMORE?!! THIS PART OF ME IS SUPPOSED TO BE GONE, I'M SUPPOSED TO BE BETTER NOW....

[thepaulo]

find a good religion.....

this life is shit.....search around to find help getting yourself ready for the next life.....

It's not really about the religion but just different types of spiritual people......

though I hear the Scientologists are really against drugs.....

[dereckfishboy]

I appreciate the thought, paul, especially through all the shit you've been through.... I dunno, I just can't draw strength from spirituality.... wish I could......

[spoon]

Dereck,

I really think you should talk to a doc bc you're really low and saying some stuff that makes me fear for your own safety. It may be something a little off and easily dealt with, but if you never look, you'll never know. But that's just it, I don't know the whole story and could be way off. All I could say is that it always seems worse than it is. Now this isn't saying your not going through tough times, but we all do and that's when your true character comes out. I'm betting you'll be fine, you'll get through this low and reflect on how you made it through another challenge for yourself, your family and especially your kids.

Good luck and don't do it alone.

[drjoek]

Buck up

[Gvac]

Hey brother, I just wanted to say that it took a lot of guts to pour your heart out like you did and be btutally honest in your analysis of yourself. That alone shows you've got a lot of toughness in you and that will serve you well in your struggle to make sense of this world.

Any advice will sound trite, so I'll just say I wish you all the best. Sometimes the happiest people in the world are those who have endured some serious hardship. I sincerely hope you become one of them.

[RoseBlood]

As Spoon already suggested try to talk to a doctor or someone. You might not feel like it'll help now but when you find the right person it'll help. I think you've already accomplished alot by posting this thread, it shows you are aware of your problems and maybe subconsciously you really do want to help yourself but you feel so defeated/overwhelmed you don't know how to.

Also as Gvac said, sometimes the seemingly happiest people are those who have gone through difficult times and come out the other end, which you will do! I know it's all so easy for others to sit back and say just push foward (as you have tried numerous times in the past) but no one truly knows what you are going through, sometimes it is so much more then just "forcing yourself to be happy". But again, I really think it was a big step for you to post what you did, even if it's to anonymous people. You seem very self-aware and that is a big step.

I don't know what else to say other then i wish you the best. It truly pains me to see others going through what you are.

[Furtherman]

Keep your chin up. We all have problems. It's how you handle yourself that is the true measure of a human being. Hug your kids and take them out to play. You cannot help where you are born and there a billion others out there in worse places. Show your kids how lucky they are.

[Death Metal Moe]

I hope you're not holding yourself to an insane, unreachable standard in your head bro. Because no one's perfect. You do the best you can. I know it's dirt simple to say that and damn near impossible to make your head believe it, but it's the truth. Everyone's just hanging on.

I hope the posts in this thread help you out, somehow.

[buzzard]

You seem able to convey your thoughts/feelings pretty well.as aforementioned..continue to reach out! find SOMETHING positive to say TO yerself about yerself...believe me this last while has sucked for me..all I do is try to set a goal that I know is good for me(yet I'm not so "wanting" to do) take the minutes one by one If you must just stop being so tough on you! the world will do that. a goal,hobby,belief system.sorry If I sound trite,I just feel bad that an obviously decent person is hurting! I'm not so arrogant as to think I have answers that help.I wish I did,cuz If I was so brilliant I'd share them with you dereck! find a way to cut yerself some slack.-buzz

[drjoek]

Hey brother, I just wanted to say that it took a lot of guts to pour your heart out like you did and be btutally honest in your analysis of yourself. That alone shows you've got a lot of toughness in you and that will serve you well in your struggle to make sense of this world.

Any advice will sound trite, so I'll just say I wish you all the best. Sometimes the happiest people in the world are those who have endured some serious hardship. I sincerely hope you become one of them.

"I'm a first class prick and don't you forget it."
Come on dont try to fool us with this nice guy routine. :innocent:

[Friday]

Dereck...

I haven't heard from you in a month or so and I feel awful because I knew you were starting to teeter. You still have people who care and who love you very much.
Not to mention those two beautiful babies... especially Sierra... who would be lost without you. Please remember you are not alone in this... or anything. Not really...

ok... we are on the phone now. *smooches*

[dereckfishboy]

Thanks everyone, specially Friday....

I haven't touched any booze or pills, and that's the important part.....if I can keep myself busy, I'm okay.... when I sit around and dwell is when the pain gets too great and that's when I want to drink the most....... I have pills laying around, and I haven't taken them yet, but I'm thinking of getting rid of them so that I'm not tempted..., in the old days I'd fucking show up for work drunk, I don't want to be that person again.... I'm going through a lot of shit right now, and when I fucking worry about it and think about how much my life is going to suck in the future, I just wanna medicate..... I need to just try and enjoy my life the way it is now while it still lasts.....

[zildjian361]

*Hottub Edit*

Remember where you are before posting that kind of shit!

[lleeder]

Hottub edit.

I think mods frown on suggesting this type of thing. This forum is for serious issues and require serious responses.

[zildjian361]

I think mods frown on suggesting this type of thing. This forum is for serious issues and require serious responses.

ll glad you stopped me.:smoke::drunk:

[Hottub]

Dereck, this is your thread, and I am not going to turn it toward something else.

Just know you are not alone. Believe me.
There are a ton of people to reach out to here. Myself included.
When you feel like life is dealing you some shit, just look to your babies, and know you can, and will make a better life for them. This can only be done by you being a stronger person!

[Ritalin]

You know, I haven't read anything from you on the board before, I think - hiya, buddy - but just from reading this thread it looks to me like you've already taken a HUGE step in your life. You've recognized that when you were confronted with this feeling before that you would self destruct.

But you're not self destructing right now, and that's such a big step, you know what I mean? That doesn't mean that things are any easier, but at least you're dealing with them differently and that's very positive.

Life is easy when everything's going good, you know? It's how you deal with it when things aren't perfect that makes the difference, because it's never perfect.

You're doing great.

[Coach_Mac]

It's hard to convince someone who doesn't have any experience with this but there is an answer and it's not sprituality and it's not religion, It's an actual relationship with God. But you have to give everything to Him. I know I may sound like a religious nut to some of you but hey, why not give it a shot? Isn't it worth trying? But don't go into it half way. That's my advice...for what it's worth.

[Dougie Brootal]

like spoon and others suggested, go see a doc. you sound like you may have some kind of depression. AND DRUGS (COKE AND ALCOHOL) DEFINATELY WILL NOT HELP. we're here for you dude.

[dereckfishboy]

I don't know if I so much have depression as I've never had to deal with a crisis since I've been sober, and didn't realize until now how heavily I relied on getting fucked up to get me through hard times.... It's odd how much my instinct to get fucked up when I feel bad is ingrained in me, that I can not even think about having a drink for months and months on end, but the moment my life fucks up it's ALL I think about....

[StupidGirlllll]

You may be a little bi-polar. I say this because you have 2 threads 1 saying how happy you are that you & your friend with "H" are how close you 2 are getting how you have alot in common & then there is this thread the complete oposite.

[dereckfishboy]

You may be a little bi-polar. I say this because you have 2 threads 1 saying how happy you are that you & your friend with "H" are how close you 2 are getting how you have alot in common & then there is this thread the complete oposite.
I'm happy with the girl... I'm unhappy with the bitter custody battle I'm having with my ex over the daughter she didn't feel like taking care of for 17 months and now that we're split up she thinks she's ready to be a mom now......