Prolonged Breaking of the Heart

[CofyCrakCocaine]

Yo.

I'm totally numb.
Well, I dunno. I can't really talk about this alot on here. I'm an outgoing guy a bit, but I'm also pretty private. I get shy when folks go for the up-close shot of me in conversation. But I am getting killed by this whole situation, and I'm afraid I'm gonna get an Earl-style Ulcer.
In light of that, if I do just disappear for awhile, well, I suppose you folks would want an explanation. Over the past several months I kinda just dropped in frequency from posting on RF.net. The reality of that is, I was spending a lot of time doing things with my girlfriend. I guess I wanted to make us work better than we had been. We went hiking through the Delaware Water Gap, went to Philly, and did a bunch of other things. Each time was a fun time. I loved doing these things with her.
Anyway, things aren't going good anymore. BAM! Outta left field, she wanted to break up, but after talking with her, we compromised on giving the relationship a little more time. We love each other, but it's not enough for her. . I know it. The requirements I need to meet are not likely to happen soon enough (get a job with salary, get a full out college degree, so on). And I need to just shake it off because I'm in the middle of a difficult week at school. It's a real heart-breaker. I could go and make things worse for myself by pretending that there's hope that she'll still love me through it all... that if I actually somehow managed to speed myself into a degree at community college and then get a job while also transferring to better school so I can get a *better degree* at an Ivy leaguer, that while I do all that, she'll decided "hey this guy is for me, I'm staying". That'd be nice but she's been saying "even if you do all this, I may not want to stay with you." I doubt she can wait that long. She won't stay that long and I shouldn't kid myself. Regardless of that, I still need to do these things, the sooner the better.
So what is a man to do? Serious posts only please.

[fezident]

I don't know if this really answers your question but, in situations like these the best advice is "what advice would you give somebody else?"

If you saw your relationship/life problems happening to somebody tath you care about, what would you tell that person?

I recently started to employ that strategy and it seems to be working for me. All my romantic & career choices were leading me nowhere so, I started to analyze things as though I were an outsider. It can sometimes really snap things into focus.

[drjoek]

Sorry man that sucks
But on the bright side youll have more time to post here on ronfez.net:clap:


Thats not meant to be cruel just trying to give you a laugh:tongue:

[nate1000]

I blame keithy_19. Seriously. This is getting to be an epidemic and its making my nipples sore. Man-up .net!

The only thing to do in this situation is bang her sister. (Or best friend.) She may hate you , but she'll still want to F you. And that, my friend is the definition of a perfect relationship.

[Kris10]

I'm being serious but what does a degree have to do with her love for you???????

[Furtherman]

The requirements I need to meet are not likely to happen soon enough (get a job with salary, get a full out college degree, so on).

I'm being serious but what does a degree have to do with her love for you???????


Herein lies your heartbreak. It sucks because I have been here one too many times I'd care to admit. Your girl has an vision of her future and in that vision, she is living comfortably. I don't know what her standard may be but right now she doesn't see you providing her vision. That is why she wants you to get a college degree: to get a good, paying job.

Now this doesn't reflect on any way of what type of person she is. I don't know, only you do. Some people just require certain criteria in order for them to feel a relationship is worth sticking with. Some they saw or something they didn't see a long time ago cemented that criteria in what they look for in a partner and it's just the way it is.

Maybe you want to do all the things she needs for her, and that's fine, it's your life, do what you will. But the fact that she's been saying "even if you do all this, I may not want to stay with you", says to me that you might not be able to get there fast enough for her.

That's not your fault.

So it comes down to this - do you think she'll stand by you as all the pieces in your life come together? Or maybe you'd be better off finding someone who appreciates you now as who you are, not what you might be?

[CofyCrakCocaine]

Thanks to all who have posted. I appreciate all support, including the humor.

I was always of the thought that if you loved someone and they loved you too, that was all you ever needed to make it truly work. I'd stand by her no matter what went down around us life-wise. Someone once referred to me as "true blue". I guess that's pretty accurate. But that's just my definition of love. Her definition is clearly different from mine, and that means we're likely screwed.

She and I have a history. I've gone above and beyond the call of duty for her when she's been in trouble in the past and I don't pin no medals on my chest over it- it's just what you do when you love someone. She's put up with me and my bullshit for awhile, so I guess we can call it even anyway. There's been bumps in the road before, but nothing that I ever thought was worth getting off the ride for good over.

I dunno if she's someone I should trust to stick around anymore. I just know this whole thing is a motherfucker. If this were happening to a friend of mine, I'd probably go for the ambiguous "Do what you feel is best" advice. What I feel is best is pretty damned ambivalent right now though.

The only clear thing I want to do is un-fuck this situation as best I can by bettering my life. I'd already been doing this, but I'm gonna see if I can't speed up the progress by a few notches. So I'm gonna be doing my part to make things better. Whether she's up for that or not, is up to her. But at least I wouldn't suck as much or something. And really, in the end, this hurts like hell, but it's nothing that'll take me down for the count. Or so I hope anyway.

[Dougie Brootal]

improve your life for youself bro, dont do it for no broad, do it to that broad. if that makes any sense.

my ex before my current chick about 5 years back wanted me to grow up and all that and i wanted to but i wasnt ready, then she dumped me and cut all ties with me. i was so heartbroken that after months of drinking and drugging myself comatose i decided that the best revenge i can get is to become what she wanted , make sure she sees it and never give her the time of day again. so i got a job got back on my feet, then i got a new much hotter chick (my current), then i got a shit car. after a while i convinced my dad to let me start answering phones at his office and cleaning it on the wekend for like $100/week. i took that money and got a place with friends. then i got my real estate license and really started working at my dads office, now i ve got a nice car, make about $50 thousand/year plus commissions, and a nice apartment on the beach. and a couple months ago i received a phone call from that ex wanting to get me back and i told her that she was the reason i was successful now and i said thank you for taking my entire life away from me, cuz now i have a new one and its much more satisfying. then i told her i never wanted to see or hear from her again and hung up the phone. sometimes it takes a horrible disaster like this to motivate you to fix your life. it will be a long hard painful process but in a couple years when you are where you want to be now, you will say the same thing to her when she calls up begging you to come back. so go on with your life and if she leaves, ok, deal with it. party get high and drunk fuck sluts (with condoms of course) and one day youll wake up and say fuck that bitch, ill show her. im gonna be rich next time she sees me and then ill be the one that got away, not her.

[Justice4all]

Yo.

I'm totally numb.
Well, I dunno. I can't really talk about this alot on here. I'm an outgoing guy a bit, but I'm also pretty private. I get shy when folks go for the up-close shot of me in conversation. But I am getting killed by this whole situation, and I'm afraid I'm gonna get an Earl-style Ulcer.
In light of that, if I do just disappear for awhile, well, I suppose you folks would want an explanation. Over the past several months I kinda just dropped in frequency from posting on RF.net. The reality of that is, I was spending a lot of time doing things with my girlfriend. I guess I wanted to make us work better than we had been. We went hiking through the Delaware Water Gap, went to Philly, and did a bunch of other things. Each time was a fun time. I loved doing these things with her.
Anyway, things aren't going good anymore. BAM! Outta left field, she wanted to break up, but after talking with her, we compromised on giving the relationship a little more time. We love each other, but it's not enough for her. . I know it. The requirements I need to meet are not likely to happen soon enough (get a job with salary, get a full out college degree, so on). And I need to just shake it off because I'm in the middle of a difficult week at school. It's a real heart-breaker. I could go and make things worse for myself by pretending that there's hope that she'll still love me through it all... that if I actually somehow managed to speed myself into a degree at community college and then get a job while also transferring to better school so I can get a *better degree* at an Ivy leaguer, that while I do all that, she'll decided "hey this guy is for me, I'm staying". That'd be nice but she's been saying "even if you do all this, I may not want to stay with you." I doubt she can wait that long. She won't stay that long and I shouldn't kid myself. Regardless of that, I still need to do these things, the sooner the better.
So what is a man to do? Serious posts only please.

Hey CCC....what was said right there is a clear cut signal that no matter what you do, she will want out. She wants out RIGHT NOW but I guess she is slowly trying to pull away from you so that when it does happen it might not be as painful as her doing it out of the blue. I see her being emotionally withdrawn from you right now as it is. That is never a good thing.

It you want to better yourself in ANY situation that is good, but you need to do it for YOU and no one else. It is an honorable thing to want to make yourself a better man for the woman you love. But, as we have seen here, there are too many examples to see that you could capture the sun, moon and stars and the woman (and some men) would still leave.

I hate to admit this to you, because I know you love her alot, but it seems that this relationship is over. She wants out. It was written all over that post you wrote.

You are a really good guy. We have chatted from time to time. You have a good sense of humor and also seem to be a genuine person who cares alot for the people he loves. I can see you helping your woman and trying to be her 'white knight'.

You have done nothing wrong. You were right in some ways thinking that if you love someone and they love you back that it should be enough. As long as they love EVERYTHING about you, then it SHOULD be enough.

But if she loves certain things about you and other things she wants you to change, then that is a clear cut sign. You tried you best to make things work. Sometimes it just will not work no matter how much effort you put in there.

Rouski is right, having a degree should have no effect on how she feels about you.
And doug is DOUBLEY right when he said the best revenge is to turn into the best man you ever could be and then let them know how 'improved' you are.

And they will never be with you. Their loss. Not yours.


I am sorry, I wish I could give you some shining light of good news. But you deserve to hear the truth of what I can see from what you write.
You are a good guy, don't put yourself down. You really tried hard. Some woman will feel really blessed to be with you sometime.

[Kris10]

Rouski is right

:clap: I like hearing that!

[sr71blackbird]

I agree with her too!

Get your life on track and the chicks will flock to you!

Good luck bro

[SouthSideJohnny]

now i ve got a nice car, make about $50 thousand/year plus commissions, and a nice apartment on the beach. and a couple months ago i received a phone call from that ex wanting to get me back and i told her that she was the reason i was successful now and i said thank you for taking my entire life away from me, cuz now i have a new one and its much more satisfying. then i told her i never wanted to see or hear from her again and hung up the phone.

Tell her about seeing another guy's dick this weekend; she'll really be jealous then.

To CCC - Sorry to hear about your situation, but the advice in this thread is as good as anything I can add.

[Chainsaw]

Not that its the best resource, but I've found myself going back to it over and over again to help me through the tough break-ups...

I won't have the exact quotes right, but Fight Club said it best when Tyler said: "Its not until you've lost everything, that you're free to do anything"...and "Losing all hope was freedom" ...and in a similar manner from Shawshank redemption how hope can be both a great and awful thing...

The right girl for you is going to want to stick with you more than if you get a degree and a better job...its sucks to hear that, but its true. The big battle is going to be in your mind...do all these changes for you...don't hold on to hope too long b/c it can bring you down...hoping and thinking too much of the past can make you miss the great things that are in your present...

and a ditto for listening to Rouski...she's become my de facto Dr. Phil...

[Kris10]

and a ditto for listening to Rouski...she's become my de facto Dr. Phil...

Awwww! :thumbup:

CCC, I do agree w/Justice though, I think she is already out of the relationship emotionally and is just hanging on by making you jump through hoops rather than her just coming out and telling you that she doesn't want to be with you anymore.

Sometimes people do grow apart regardless of how much you've been through and there is nothing you can do about it.

You mentioned everything YOU could do to make it work, what the hell is she doing to make it work? You also mentioned there are "requirements" that you need to meet, please tell me that is your word that your using because if it is her word than you are applying for the role of boyfriend. And if I see her myself, I'll hurt her, she's not worth your time.