Kathleen From The Bronx
10-17-2007, 08:50 PM
Dear Ron and Fez Shooow,
Hey pals.... great show today! You know...... I've been thinking about the current state of the opening music..... Yes, they really have been deadly- awful, pukey songs.... but they cackle me I tell you! I kind of love it....love/hate......I love it that people are so aggravated and feel the need to call in and threaten...and wonder if they have turned gay from listening... So hilarious to me.....I always chuckle to meself, "Big Cat... You SO craaaazy!!!" Yeah..... Here's the thing, I have a little theory... and I ain't tryin to accuse the new E.P. of anything over here...however....judging from the last two days' opening songs..... I think that Fezzielou owns the Time Life 70's Music Explosion Collection that is advertised in a glorious infomercial deep in the night..... I'm not jumping to this conclusion based solely on the chart-topping cheese that he's chosen lately.....It's the line-up....the line-up..... Yesterday's song was First Class', "Beach Baby." Today's was Paper Lace's "The Night Chicago Died." Why does that line-up seem so familiar to me?? Well I'll tell you..... I am an expert on late-night music infomercials....
I must enjoy aggravation on some level cause I constantly do things, sit through shows... infomercials that make me scream with annoyance....things that make me wanna start droppin plates up in this mutha....like Time Life Music infomercials.... Well it's love/ hate I must admit it obviously... as evidence in the fact that I'm quite the expert on them...due to bein up all hours of the night and that and mismanaging my time....Seems to be kind of my thing...
Watching them promotes my shouting out observations and disgusted commentary to no one in particular like, "Can you believe this shit??!!" or, "Why is this bitch talking about what great times they all had at the ole doo-wop malt shop when she's clearly like 25????!" or, "Damn you Richard Marx!" Actually, I fell asleep with the TV on one night and that Richard Marx collection infomercial must have come on... It must have seeped into my dreaming mind....for whatever reason..... and in this dream I came up with just the best joke ever.... In my dream-world it was so freaking hilarious that you couldn't even believe it....It was about Richard Marx...It was the shit....I laughed about it myself in my sleep even... I woke up all eager, ready to tell everyone that I knew...though alas when awoke, and struggled to remember it....the faint traces of that hilarity faded......There was no memory of that gem at all...."Wait....where did it go??" Sad...... Then I realized it was a joke involving Richard Marx...and this is 2007....Now that's some smart thinking...even sadder..Oy.... Anyway.... the point is.... I know infomercials! I'm supposed to be talking about that 70's one here.... Focus, ole gal!
THE BEST one and my personal favorite/most hated, is that 70's Music Explosion extravaganza... I mean there is A LOT of awful shite music wrapped up for ya there in a bow.....but... I'll watch it every time.... If perchance I am not by myself and I'm watching TV with others, before they can flip away, I'll scream the command, "NO! No changing channels!! Here it comes!!!" I force people to anxiously await with me for my favorite part of the whole gloriously stinkin thing...... You know how they play these medleys of all the hits......There is this lil nugget of a pastiche that simply captivates me.... and it goes just like this:
"We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun.....I HEARD my Momma cry, I heard her pray the night Chicago diiiied..... Beach baby, beach baby there on the sand from July til the end of Septemberrrr..."
Yup that's the hot shit! No, tis awful, awful......So awful I feel like celebratin'! I used to make Brian sing that hideous mix on car trips.... cause he does the, "YAYE HEARD my Momma cry!" part really funny... and also cause I like to pester friends and loved ones to behave like imbecilic variety show performers for my own selfish and retarded entertainment....
Now this is what I'm talkin about....If you look at that medley there, BACKWARDS, you have yesterday's First Class, "Beach Baby," into today's Paper Lace's, "The Night Chicago Died." If tomorrow's song is Terry Jacks', "Seasons in the Sun," then I will know that man, The Big Cat, owns the Time Life 70's Music Explosion collection.... or at the very least... he was also so moved by the very same musical hodgepodge that I love/hate..... and he is just playing it backwards to be tricky or some shit....I'm onto ya game Whatley!!!
I either have it all figured out, or I am out of my fuckin mind and this is all just a crazy coincidence and I have too much time on my hands....and too much Time Life in my brain..... No..... If I am correct, you needn't call me a brilliant psychic, for I have already explained why I am predicting this...... You CAN however refer to me as, "Colombo," like the snooping, meddlesome detective that I am.... but please....not because of my wonky eye.
Hey, maybe I'll be Colombo this year for Halloween.... I'll amble around in a rumpled trench coat poking my cigar in people's faces while asking one prying question after the next.....becoming distracted by something completely irrelevant in the room and rambling about it at a climactic point in the interrogation of a suspect.... causing them to respond with confused irritation...."What I DON'T understand is why you ate a bowl of spaghetti and THEN turned on the light? Is that how you're tellin me it happened??? Hey! A kangaroo paper-weight/pencil holder! Hah... you can keep pens and pencils in his pouch...Isn't that somethin......Where would you find such a thing?? Have you ever been to Australia? The missus and I have always wanted to take a trip there..." Yeah, I been got that kinda act down, minus the trench coat.... Why wait til Halloween??! Let's start tomorrow.....
Hey so what are you guys gonna be for Halloween Ron and Fez????! Heh, heh..... Yeah, I'm just asking you cause you said it annoys..... to be a pain in the arse :0) I thought it was a really funny....funny cause it's true!....theory that Ronnie B. had about adult Halloween costumes... He was sayin that guys who dress in drag for Halloween really, deep down want to cross-dress all the time..... That story was funny as shit about his friend who dressed up like a woman one year and ended up drinking for free all night on the tabs of sailors and old men....... and how he kept with the gimmick even after Halloween.... Ron informed him, "You're not just doin this for free drinks my friend; you're after cock!" Ron also noted that girls who dress all risque and sexy-like in their Halloween costumes don't have the cajones to dress that way the rest of the year..... So, they'll seize the opportunity once a year to be sexy-nurse or sexy-devil....you know what I mean.... Oh! or sexy-cat. Ohhhh my GOD do I hate a cat costume!
Yeah, yeah.... I realize that mere days ago I was rambling something...some kinda nonsense to yez about how, " Ooooooh not me my friends... I don't care how people dress, c'est la vie! " and all that hippie bullshit.... Turns out I was wrong...and I'm a stinkin liar... I will contradict my hackneyed philosophies on life once again... cause have I mentioned that I can't stand a woman in a cat costume??? Ugh!
Oooh people get mad at me when I say that....or more accurately they get a look as if I have wounded them....They seem hurt....all, "Heeeey I've dressed up as a cat for Halloween before..." with a big pouty lip... Really? Is that right? If you have it's because you're a last minute-johnny.... You didn't plan and all at the last minute you thought, "Hey I know, I'll be a cat... I'll dress all in black and use eyeliner to color the tip of my nose black and I'll add some whiskers!" Stop it....
Look, I don't wanna hurt anybody's feelings! I'm not tryin to act like I'm any better either..... I've been a cat before tooo... when I was nine..... and I had no plan....and panicked. The cat costume, in my mind, is tied for the top spot in no-plan category of costumes..... It's right up there with, "gypsy." Wearing mismatched, overly flowy clothes with a 'do rag and giant earrings does not mean you are a believable gypsy. It means you are me.
Gaaahd, have you noticed that all I do is talk about cats and gypsies and bad music.....and Barton Fink???? "Well, you haven't said anything about Barton Fink today, k-dawg..." you may be thinking that you should so correct..... Well I'm about to! The film came up yesterday as proof that Dave's proclamation that he doesn't like any film that has for a title the name of the main character...like, Michael Clayton. He was shown to be wrong over and over again.... Annie Hall, Donnie Brasco, Indiana Jones.... Barton Fink. So Dave and I have something else in common.... no consistency regarding our red hair-brained idears..... Man, that Barton Fink was a helluva film.... Well anyway, back to me hating women's cat costumes....
Ohhh I loathe a cat costume... and all it's stupid incarnations..... " "Hey..What's up..Meeeow... I'm a cat with tits... I'm a cat....." It's just insane....
Last minute costumes involving leotards! I dunno how many chicks just have leotards hanging around the house, but I'm bettin if they are not dancers those leotards are left over from the last time they were a cat....OH and then there's this one.. .... I'm a lady in a totally regular outfit, yet with a drawn on nose and headband ears.....I'm lookin at you, elementary school teachers.... Yeah... So a denim jumper, wooden jewelry with apples on em... or something harvesty..... and a cat face......That's purrrfect.... perfectly crazy! Oh... OR... you have the.... I guess....tap-dancing cat..??? Who dresses up as a cat wearing a top hat, tails, bowtie, and a cane.... and forgets to wear pants like Judy Garland....????
When I was a kid and I'd see old Judy Garland footage of her on the stage just a-tap-dancing away wearing a man's tuxedo but no pants, I'd find it very perplexing.... What the hell?? Judy you forgot ya pants!!!!! It didn't look jazzy to me; it looked like mental illness, dementia........ I dunno... Sexy Devil-cat is the worst of all worlds....Ooh bad kitty..Rrrraow!!! Stop it. I've seen cat-women with a bizarre props....like an umbrella...??? I swear...
See, here's the thing....Even if the woman cat-costume WASN'T clearly all last minute, I wouldn't approve.... I've on rare occasion seen some broads who put kind of a lot into it..... Think: The musical..."Cats." See then it's just kinda creepy......At least in such an instance I'd stop to ponder, for a moment, the song, "Memories..." I might stop to muse..remembering the heart-wrenching tune.... "Aww that poor ole whore-cat had a hard life, eh???" But I'd still think a cat costume mad stupid.... and again, creepy.... Those cats from the musical are disturbing.... Now it occurs to me... maybe I'm being too hard on the cat-dressers.... Perhaps these gals have always wanted to be cats... just like how some little girls who love horses undoubtedly REALLY wanted to be horses.... You know what I mean, right??
In childhood days you could easily spot the horse-lovin girls a mile away.....Besides the fact that these little girls would only talk about horses incessantly, they'd prance instead of running... and they'd always go shaking their hair around like it's a mane instead of human girl hair.... Stuff like that....eatin apples all the time.. Little freaks. Hmmm...and yet.... I've seen no sexy-horse Halloween costumes on growed-up girls..So maybe my, "they always wanted to be cats," hypothesis about cat costumes is all wrong.... Eh, shrug?
I'll tell you the worst Halloween costume that I have ever seen though.... A few years ago we were at this party and our friend's sister showed up wearing a racy black slip with little pieces of paper pinned all over it....with all these suggestive phrases printed on them...... People were asking her, "So what are you supposed to be??" She answered, "A Freudian Slip." Arrrrrrgh! How annoyin!!!! I just walked away in disgust....walked away from that circle of people who were all commending her for her creativity.... I headed over to the keg, suddenly finding myself happy to be in the company of the guy in the hospital gown with the fake, plastic naked butt..and the zombie wearing a Mets catcher's uniform; Gary Carter's......After that Freudian slip bullshit I no longer cared that the latter costume made no sense as Gary Carter still lives.... I wish that I had fabricated the existence of that chick's retarded costume and that it was just told to yez as a means of a delicious segue.... Alas nay, it was real.....
Hey, but speakin of Freudian slips!! Wow... Dave had a doooooozie of one today! With the memory of Beanie Mac's visit to the show last week still fresh in our minds, and all that nuttiness that went down..... it was even extra hilarious to hear him flub, while beginning to tell a story, "My girlfr......Oh my GOD! No, no.... I mean MY MOTHER...." Wooooooooooo! That was pretty classic..... Man he got taunted the rest of the day over that..... like when he was professing his love and admiration for Toby MacGuire, Ron goes, "You're enthusiastic today! Aw, Beanie picked a nice boyfriend for herself...." oh and later.... when Ronnie also said that his wifey had picked out her Halloween costume, "A white wig and a wrist brace..." HAH! Beanie! Ahh geez.... too funny.... Ron added, ""I've got news for ya, Oedipus.... That's the weirdest shit EVER!"
Oh more wit the Halloweenie theme, back to that..... You guys discussed the suckage of seasonal candy...... Yeah, seriously.... It really all does pretty much blow. I mean, I don't mind a little candy corn... Ew, but I hate, hate those little pumpkins that are supposedly made out of the same stuff as candy corn materials... Gnarly! They are squeaky on my teeth and don't taste like candy corn... They taste like orange food coloring..... Yick. On a side note.... When I was a kid I was over at one of my friend's house... and her moms always listened to a lot of random AM talk radio and the topic was some kinda controversy over The Guardian Angels and so that was on in the background, and the host went to take a call and we heard the caller in a demonic voice say, "I waaant to eat candy corn until I bleeeed!!!" We thought that was the funniest prank ever...especially cause it was nowhere near Halloween. I dunno how stupid now that we were just rolling over that, cackling, "How RANDOM!" Yeah... too bad anytime I've tried to retell that lil beauty nobody ever cares... I get it, it's dumb.... OK.
Well, I dug that whole conversation though about the badness of some holiday foods.... As Ron B. put it, "My grandmother used to have something awful, and now I'll give it to my children!" You know, so many of the candies that were referenced are ones that my mother in law just loves! Neco wafers..... Good 'n' Plenty...... Blech! Whoever gives out little boxes of Good 'n' Plenty to trick or treaters is a rat bastard...... I thought everybody knew that NOBODY likes them..... There are always plenty of them left over, but they are NOT good. I would rather receive a candy bar with the dreaded razor blade center than Good 'n' Plentys... It would seem less cruel and spiteful. A caller mentioned Mary Jane candies...Please, I know....Who needs em?? Ron pointed out that, "They literally taste like Lou Gehrig, that's how fuckin terrible....." Ron said about em that they are an example of, "food that people ate before good food was available." Yeah..... like gruel.....and Miss Moffet's curds and whey and that kinda shit..Back then that shit was so special you sat on a tuffet feelin all good about yourself... It just don't fly now! Like you guys were saying, so much of what was mentioned of those seasonal foods, "have no place in the modern age." Again, yeah. Someone brought up fruitcake.
You know who I can't stand? Ironic fruitcake senders! It's so widely understood that it's even cliche to talk about the badness of fruitcake. So, I'm pretty sure that the only people who continue to do so, think that they are being cute or ironic..... Christmas is a time for gag-gifts suddenly? No. I'll tell ya something else.... Every year without fail The Food Network and cooking magazines make some ridiculous attempts to turn all the fruitcake hate around... AS IF they're gonna change the image of fruitcake. It's just not gonna work Alton Brown, ya nerd.... "Here's a fruitcake recipe that will have your friends BEGGING for more!" Acting like , "Gone are the days of hard, brick-like fruitcakes..." Listen, it will never work..... People who have never, ever eaten fruitcake hate it on reputation alone..... This will not change. Give it up, fools!!!! If you're so damn pressed, just make a banana bread and stop wasting everyone's time!!! Euuugh!
Yez brought up the horrible Valentine's Day heart-shaped boxes full of crap as well... Good fuckin point.... If you are not careful buying those wastes of time, you'll find your self with worthless flavored-cream and nougat-filled mounds. They are gross. The really bad ones remind me of smaller 3 Musketeers bars masquerading as truffles. Ya know, as Halloween is right around the corner now and then I'll find myself in the possession of those bags of assorted miniatures.... I can guarantee you I didn't pick this one out, cause along with Twix and Snickers and Milky Ways there were also 3 Musketeers in that sack. For the life of me I do not know what fiendish glee the candy companies get out of filling the bag with MOSTLY 3 Musketeers...... It's not an accident....Hey you know what would make a 3 Musketeers so much better? I'll tell you: caramel and nuts.....if it was a Snickers. Now I have a stupid bag of only them left in my freezer..... but they'll go too certainly enough...cause just like Ron said about the Valentine's heart, "You know you've gotten high if you've finished off one of those."
Gummi Bears.... Gummi Bears have the best houses.... A hollowed out tree takes you to the Gummi Bear Glen..... where you can drink the magic Gummibeary juice and obtain the ability to go bouncing here and there and everywhere! High adventure that's beyond compare.....They are the Gummi Bears! ..and they have furniture and ride around on wooden roller coaster.... OOooh. Oh. Real animals you say? Yeah.... I get confused.... My reality is cartoonish..... Sorry, sorry..... If we're talking about real animals, I can't think of an animal home that I find anywhere nearly acceptable. It's all gross..... I thought it was funny when Ron announced that he's never been able to stand a nest....."I've always hated a nest....Reminds me of a crown of thorns...That's why I always throw rocks at birds and call em, 'Christ-killers.' " Then when a caller suggested that turtles have the best homes there on their backs... Ron disagreed, "Nah... It's like livin in an RV.....Turtles were the original trailer dwellers, and they really fuckin act like em too!" That got me thinkin..... I have had a lot of long living, non-loving pets....
I've had this turtle for 18 years! Someone gave me a couple of hermit crabs one time as a gift.... and ya know, usually kids get hermit crabs on the boardwalk and take em home and they don't last long.... Mine lived for two years! I can't explain it..... Well, after one of em died the other one felt quite free to come out of his shell and try on other ones there in the tank.... One night I heard him scratching around, diggin.... and I looked over and he was completely out of his shell! Walking around shell-less without his home on his back..... Disgusting! I was so skeeved that I really wanted to kill it.... The fuckin nerve of that crab.... Disgraceful.
Hmmm....wanting to kill my stupid hermit crab won't help me get into Heaven. As I re-read this here email to yez, so much of it red-faced tirades and judgments..... I feel that such behavior won't be helping my cause either..... if Hell exists....Earl said that Hell has a lake of fire..... Oddly enough that's what some meat puppets told me one day too.... "Where do bad folks go when they die? They don't go to heaven where the angels fly...... They go down to the lake of fire and fry....Won't see 'em again till The Fourth of July. "
Well, looks like that's where I'm headed with alla my nonsense and complaining...on and on... and on....... and other stuff I'm not telling you about... and it will probably be full of everything I can't stand like bad music and fruitcake and girls in cat costumes. At least I'll have the day off on Independence Day if The Meat Puppets are correct....and why wouldn't they be? Sounds as reasonable as any of the other stuff that Earl was sayin bout Hell.
Ahhh anyway, let me end this on a good note.... It was really cool that you guys had Patrick Fugit in today! Awww... he sounded just as sweet as he acted in Almost Famous! I too dug how he didn't want to be in Hollywood, just wanted to take the roles that he wanted.... I know that I've said this a million times about how certain actors I will always see as particular characters, roles that they've played..... He's definitely one of those to me! Always William Miller..... Towards the end of the interview Ron told him something that I so agreed with.....It's real cool to see somebody who you noticed early on for their talent and goodness continuing on to make good choices...... Yeah...... So I thought that was mad cool that he came in to see yez......
Anyway! I'm finally gonna leave you alone now with the ramblings.... Great show today homeslices....
Signed,
kathleen from the bronx :):):)
Hey pals.... great show today! You know...... I've been thinking about the current state of the opening music..... Yes, they really have been deadly- awful, pukey songs.... but they cackle me I tell you! I kind of love it....love/hate......I love it that people are so aggravated and feel the need to call in and threaten...and wonder if they have turned gay from listening... So hilarious to me.....I always chuckle to meself, "Big Cat... You SO craaaazy!!!" Yeah..... Here's the thing, I have a little theory... and I ain't tryin to accuse the new E.P. of anything over here...however....judging from the last two days' opening songs..... I think that Fezzielou owns the Time Life 70's Music Explosion Collection that is advertised in a glorious infomercial deep in the night..... I'm not jumping to this conclusion based solely on the chart-topping cheese that he's chosen lately.....It's the line-up....the line-up..... Yesterday's song was First Class', "Beach Baby." Today's was Paper Lace's "The Night Chicago Died." Why does that line-up seem so familiar to me?? Well I'll tell you..... I am an expert on late-night music infomercials....
I must enjoy aggravation on some level cause I constantly do things, sit through shows... infomercials that make me scream with annoyance....things that make me wanna start droppin plates up in this mutha....like Time Life Music infomercials.... Well it's love/ hate I must admit it obviously... as evidence in the fact that I'm quite the expert on them...due to bein up all hours of the night and that and mismanaging my time....Seems to be kind of my thing...
Watching them promotes my shouting out observations and disgusted commentary to no one in particular like, "Can you believe this shit??!!" or, "Why is this bitch talking about what great times they all had at the ole doo-wop malt shop when she's clearly like 25????!" or, "Damn you Richard Marx!" Actually, I fell asleep with the TV on one night and that Richard Marx collection infomercial must have come on... It must have seeped into my dreaming mind....for whatever reason..... and in this dream I came up with just the best joke ever.... In my dream-world it was so freaking hilarious that you couldn't even believe it....It was about Richard Marx...It was the shit....I laughed about it myself in my sleep even... I woke up all eager, ready to tell everyone that I knew...though alas when awoke, and struggled to remember it....the faint traces of that hilarity faded......There was no memory of that gem at all...."Wait....where did it go??" Sad...... Then I realized it was a joke involving Richard Marx...and this is 2007....Now that's some smart thinking...even sadder..Oy.... Anyway.... the point is.... I know infomercials! I'm supposed to be talking about that 70's one here.... Focus, ole gal!
THE BEST one and my personal favorite/most hated, is that 70's Music Explosion extravaganza... I mean there is A LOT of awful shite music wrapped up for ya there in a bow.....but... I'll watch it every time.... If perchance I am not by myself and I'm watching TV with others, before they can flip away, I'll scream the command, "NO! No changing channels!! Here it comes!!!" I force people to anxiously await with me for my favorite part of the whole gloriously stinkin thing...... You know how they play these medleys of all the hits......There is this lil nugget of a pastiche that simply captivates me.... and it goes just like this:
"We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun.....I HEARD my Momma cry, I heard her pray the night Chicago diiiied..... Beach baby, beach baby there on the sand from July til the end of Septemberrrr..."
Yup that's the hot shit! No, tis awful, awful......So awful I feel like celebratin'! I used to make Brian sing that hideous mix on car trips.... cause he does the, "YAYE HEARD my Momma cry!" part really funny... and also cause I like to pester friends and loved ones to behave like imbecilic variety show performers for my own selfish and retarded entertainment....
Now this is what I'm talkin about....If you look at that medley there, BACKWARDS, you have yesterday's First Class, "Beach Baby," into today's Paper Lace's, "The Night Chicago Died." If tomorrow's song is Terry Jacks', "Seasons in the Sun," then I will know that man, The Big Cat, owns the Time Life 70's Music Explosion collection.... or at the very least... he was also so moved by the very same musical hodgepodge that I love/hate..... and he is just playing it backwards to be tricky or some shit....I'm onto ya game Whatley!!!
I either have it all figured out, or I am out of my fuckin mind and this is all just a crazy coincidence and I have too much time on my hands....and too much Time Life in my brain..... No..... If I am correct, you needn't call me a brilliant psychic, for I have already explained why I am predicting this...... You CAN however refer to me as, "Colombo," like the snooping, meddlesome detective that I am.... but please....not because of my wonky eye.
Hey, maybe I'll be Colombo this year for Halloween.... I'll amble around in a rumpled trench coat poking my cigar in people's faces while asking one prying question after the next.....becoming distracted by something completely irrelevant in the room and rambling about it at a climactic point in the interrogation of a suspect.... causing them to respond with confused irritation...."What I DON'T understand is why you ate a bowl of spaghetti and THEN turned on the light? Is that how you're tellin me it happened??? Hey! A kangaroo paper-weight/pencil holder! Hah... you can keep pens and pencils in his pouch...Isn't that somethin......Where would you find such a thing?? Have you ever been to Australia? The missus and I have always wanted to take a trip there..." Yeah, I been got that kinda act down, minus the trench coat.... Why wait til Halloween??! Let's start tomorrow.....
Hey so what are you guys gonna be for Halloween Ron and Fez????! Heh, heh..... Yeah, I'm just asking you cause you said it annoys..... to be a pain in the arse :0) I thought it was a really funny....funny cause it's true!....theory that Ronnie B. had about adult Halloween costumes... He was sayin that guys who dress in drag for Halloween really, deep down want to cross-dress all the time..... That story was funny as shit about his friend who dressed up like a woman one year and ended up drinking for free all night on the tabs of sailors and old men....... and how he kept with the gimmick even after Halloween.... Ron informed him, "You're not just doin this for free drinks my friend; you're after cock!" Ron also noted that girls who dress all risque and sexy-like in their Halloween costumes don't have the cajones to dress that way the rest of the year..... So, they'll seize the opportunity once a year to be sexy-nurse or sexy-devil....you know what I mean.... Oh! or sexy-cat. Ohhhh my GOD do I hate a cat costume!
Yeah, yeah.... I realize that mere days ago I was rambling something...some kinda nonsense to yez about how, " Ooooooh not me my friends... I don't care how people dress, c'est la vie! " and all that hippie bullshit.... Turns out I was wrong...and I'm a stinkin liar... I will contradict my hackneyed philosophies on life once again... cause have I mentioned that I can't stand a woman in a cat costume??? Ugh!
Oooh people get mad at me when I say that....or more accurately they get a look as if I have wounded them....They seem hurt....all, "Heeeey I've dressed up as a cat for Halloween before..." with a big pouty lip... Really? Is that right? If you have it's because you're a last minute-johnny.... You didn't plan and all at the last minute you thought, "Hey I know, I'll be a cat... I'll dress all in black and use eyeliner to color the tip of my nose black and I'll add some whiskers!" Stop it....
Look, I don't wanna hurt anybody's feelings! I'm not tryin to act like I'm any better either..... I've been a cat before tooo... when I was nine..... and I had no plan....and panicked. The cat costume, in my mind, is tied for the top spot in no-plan category of costumes..... It's right up there with, "gypsy." Wearing mismatched, overly flowy clothes with a 'do rag and giant earrings does not mean you are a believable gypsy. It means you are me.
Gaaahd, have you noticed that all I do is talk about cats and gypsies and bad music.....and Barton Fink???? "Well, you haven't said anything about Barton Fink today, k-dawg..." you may be thinking that you should so correct..... Well I'm about to! The film came up yesterday as proof that Dave's proclamation that he doesn't like any film that has for a title the name of the main character...like, Michael Clayton. He was shown to be wrong over and over again.... Annie Hall, Donnie Brasco, Indiana Jones.... Barton Fink. So Dave and I have something else in common.... no consistency regarding our red hair-brained idears..... Man, that Barton Fink was a helluva film.... Well anyway, back to me hating women's cat costumes....
Ohhh I loathe a cat costume... and all it's stupid incarnations..... " "Hey..What's up..Meeeow... I'm a cat with tits... I'm a cat....." It's just insane....
Last minute costumes involving leotards! I dunno how many chicks just have leotards hanging around the house, but I'm bettin if they are not dancers those leotards are left over from the last time they were a cat....OH and then there's this one.. .... I'm a lady in a totally regular outfit, yet with a drawn on nose and headband ears.....I'm lookin at you, elementary school teachers.... Yeah... So a denim jumper, wooden jewelry with apples on em... or something harvesty..... and a cat face......That's purrrfect.... perfectly crazy! Oh... OR... you have the.... I guess....tap-dancing cat..??? Who dresses up as a cat wearing a top hat, tails, bowtie, and a cane.... and forgets to wear pants like Judy Garland....????
When I was a kid and I'd see old Judy Garland footage of her on the stage just a-tap-dancing away wearing a man's tuxedo but no pants, I'd find it very perplexing.... What the hell?? Judy you forgot ya pants!!!!! It didn't look jazzy to me; it looked like mental illness, dementia........ I dunno... Sexy Devil-cat is the worst of all worlds....Ooh bad kitty..Rrrraow!!! Stop it. I've seen cat-women with a bizarre props....like an umbrella...??? I swear...
See, here's the thing....Even if the woman cat-costume WASN'T clearly all last minute, I wouldn't approve.... I've on rare occasion seen some broads who put kind of a lot into it..... Think: The musical..."Cats." See then it's just kinda creepy......At least in such an instance I'd stop to ponder, for a moment, the song, "Memories..." I might stop to muse..remembering the heart-wrenching tune.... "Aww that poor ole whore-cat had a hard life, eh???" But I'd still think a cat costume mad stupid.... and again, creepy.... Those cats from the musical are disturbing.... Now it occurs to me... maybe I'm being too hard on the cat-dressers.... Perhaps these gals have always wanted to be cats... just like how some little girls who love horses undoubtedly REALLY wanted to be horses.... You know what I mean, right??
In childhood days you could easily spot the horse-lovin girls a mile away.....Besides the fact that these little girls would only talk about horses incessantly, they'd prance instead of running... and they'd always go shaking their hair around like it's a mane instead of human girl hair.... Stuff like that....eatin apples all the time.. Little freaks. Hmmm...and yet.... I've seen no sexy-horse Halloween costumes on growed-up girls..So maybe my, "they always wanted to be cats," hypothesis about cat costumes is all wrong.... Eh, shrug?
I'll tell you the worst Halloween costume that I have ever seen though.... A few years ago we were at this party and our friend's sister showed up wearing a racy black slip with little pieces of paper pinned all over it....with all these suggestive phrases printed on them...... People were asking her, "So what are you supposed to be??" She answered, "A Freudian Slip." Arrrrrrgh! How annoyin!!!! I just walked away in disgust....walked away from that circle of people who were all commending her for her creativity.... I headed over to the keg, suddenly finding myself happy to be in the company of the guy in the hospital gown with the fake, plastic naked butt..and the zombie wearing a Mets catcher's uniform; Gary Carter's......After that Freudian slip bullshit I no longer cared that the latter costume made no sense as Gary Carter still lives.... I wish that I had fabricated the existence of that chick's retarded costume and that it was just told to yez as a means of a delicious segue.... Alas nay, it was real.....
Hey, but speakin of Freudian slips!! Wow... Dave had a doooooozie of one today! With the memory of Beanie Mac's visit to the show last week still fresh in our minds, and all that nuttiness that went down..... it was even extra hilarious to hear him flub, while beginning to tell a story, "My girlfr......Oh my GOD! No, no.... I mean MY MOTHER...." Wooooooooooo! That was pretty classic..... Man he got taunted the rest of the day over that..... like when he was professing his love and admiration for Toby MacGuire, Ron goes, "You're enthusiastic today! Aw, Beanie picked a nice boyfriend for herself...." oh and later.... when Ronnie also said that his wifey had picked out her Halloween costume, "A white wig and a wrist brace..." HAH! Beanie! Ahh geez.... too funny.... Ron added, ""I've got news for ya, Oedipus.... That's the weirdest shit EVER!"
Oh more wit the Halloweenie theme, back to that..... You guys discussed the suckage of seasonal candy...... Yeah, seriously.... It really all does pretty much blow. I mean, I don't mind a little candy corn... Ew, but I hate, hate those little pumpkins that are supposedly made out of the same stuff as candy corn materials... Gnarly! They are squeaky on my teeth and don't taste like candy corn... They taste like orange food coloring..... Yick. On a side note.... When I was a kid I was over at one of my friend's house... and her moms always listened to a lot of random AM talk radio and the topic was some kinda controversy over The Guardian Angels and so that was on in the background, and the host went to take a call and we heard the caller in a demonic voice say, "I waaant to eat candy corn until I bleeeed!!!" We thought that was the funniest prank ever...especially cause it was nowhere near Halloween. I dunno how stupid now that we were just rolling over that, cackling, "How RANDOM!" Yeah... too bad anytime I've tried to retell that lil beauty nobody ever cares... I get it, it's dumb.... OK.
Well, I dug that whole conversation though about the badness of some holiday foods.... As Ron B. put it, "My grandmother used to have something awful, and now I'll give it to my children!" You know, so many of the candies that were referenced are ones that my mother in law just loves! Neco wafers..... Good 'n' Plenty...... Blech! Whoever gives out little boxes of Good 'n' Plenty to trick or treaters is a rat bastard...... I thought everybody knew that NOBODY likes them..... There are always plenty of them left over, but they are NOT good. I would rather receive a candy bar with the dreaded razor blade center than Good 'n' Plentys... It would seem less cruel and spiteful. A caller mentioned Mary Jane candies...Please, I know....Who needs em?? Ron pointed out that, "They literally taste like Lou Gehrig, that's how fuckin terrible....." Ron said about em that they are an example of, "food that people ate before good food was available." Yeah..... like gruel.....and Miss Moffet's curds and whey and that kinda shit..Back then that shit was so special you sat on a tuffet feelin all good about yourself... It just don't fly now! Like you guys were saying, so much of what was mentioned of those seasonal foods, "have no place in the modern age." Again, yeah. Someone brought up fruitcake.
You know who I can't stand? Ironic fruitcake senders! It's so widely understood that it's even cliche to talk about the badness of fruitcake. So, I'm pretty sure that the only people who continue to do so, think that they are being cute or ironic..... Christmas is a time for gag-gifts suddenly? No. I'll tell ya something else.... Every year without fail The Food Network and cooking magazines make some ridiculous attempts to turn all the fruitcake hate around... AS IF they're gonna change the image of fruitcake. It's just not gonna work Alton Brown, ya nerd.... "Here's a fruitcake recipe that will have your friends BEGGING for more!" Acting like , "Gone are the days of hard, brick-like fruitcakes..." Listen, it will never work..... People who have never, ever eaten fruitcake hate it on reputation alone..... This will not change. Give it up, fools!!!! If you're so damn pressed, just make a banana bread and stop wasting everyone's time!!! Euuugh!
Yez brought up the horrible Valentine's Day heart-shaped boxes full of crap as well... Good fuckin point.... If you are not careful buying those wastes of time, you'll find your self with worthless flavored-cream and nougat-filled mounds. They are gross. The really bad ones remind me of smaller 3 Musketeers bars masquerading as truffles. Ya know, as Halloween is right around the corner now and then I'll find myself in the possession of those bags of assorted miniatures.... I can guarantee you I didn't pick this one out, cause along with Twix and Snickers and Milky Ways there were also 3 Musketeers in that sack. For the life of me I do not know what fiendish glee the candy companies get out of filling the bag with MOSTLY 3 Musketeers...... It's not an accident....Hey you know what would make a 3 Musketeers so much better? I'll tell you: caramel and nuts.....if it was a Snickers. Now I have a stupid bag of only them left in my freezer..... but they'll go too certainly enough...cause just like Ron said about the Valentine's heart, "You know you've gotten high if you've finished off one of those."
Gummi Bears.... Gummi Bears have the best houses.... A hollowed out tree takes you to the Gummi Bear Glen..... where you can drink the magic Gummibeary juice and obtain the ability to go bouncing here and there and everywhere! High adventure that's beyond compare.....They are the Gummi Bears! ..and they have furniture and ride around on wooden roller coaster.... OOooh. Oh. Real animals you say? Yeah.... I get confused.... My reality is cartoonish..... Sorry, sorry..... If we're talking about real animals, I can't think of an animal home that I find anywhere nearly acceptable. It's all gross..... I thought it was funny when Ron announced that he's never been able to stand a nest....."I've always hated a nest....Reminds me of a crown of thorns...That's why I always throw rocks at birds and call em, 'Christ-killers.' " Then when a caller suggested that turtles have the best homes there on their backs... Ron disagreed, "Nah... It's like livin in an RV.....Turtles were the original trailer dwellers, and they really fuckin act like em too!" That got me thinkin..... I have had a lot of long living, non-loving pets....
I've had this turtle for 18 years! Someone gave me a couple of hermit crabs one time as a gift.... and ya know, usually kids get hermit crabs on the boardwalk and take em home and they don't last long.... Mine lived for two years! I can't explain it..... Well, after one of em died the other one felt quite free to come out of his shell and try on other ones there in the tank.... One night I heard him scratching around, diggin.... and I looked over and he was completely out of his shell! Walking around shell-less without his home on his back..... Disgusting! I was so skeeved that I really wanted to kill it.... The fuckin nerve of that crab.... Disgraceful.
Hmmm....wanting to kill my stupid hermit crab won't help me get into Heaven. As I re-read this here email to yez, so much of it red-faced tirades and judgments..... I feel that such behavior won't be helping my cause either..... if Hell exists....Earl said that Hell has a lake of fire..... Oddly enough that's what some meat puppets told me one day too.... "Where do bad folks go when they die? They don't go to heaven where the angels fly...... They go down to the lake of fire and fry....Won't see 'em again till The Fourth of July. "
Well, looks like that's where I'm headed with alla my nonsense and complaining...on and on... and on....... and other stuff I'm not telling you about... and it will probably be full of everything I can't stand like bad music and fruitcake and girls in cat costumes. At least I'll have the day off on Independence Day if The Meat Puppets are correct....and why wouldn't they be? Sounds as reasonable as any of the other stuff that Earl was sayin bout Hell.
Ahhh anyway, let me end this on a good note.... It was really cool that you guys had Patrick Fugit in today! Awww... he sounded just as sweet as he acted in Almost Famous! I too dug how he didn't want to be in Hollywood, just wanted to take the roles that he wanted.... I know that I've said this a million times about how certain actors I will always see as particular characters, roles that they've played..... He's definitely one of those to me! Always William Miller..... Towards the end of the interview Ron told him something that I so agreed with.....It's real cool to see somebody who you noticed early on for their talent and goodness continuing on to make good choices...... Yeah...... So I thought that was mad cool that he came in to see yez......
Anyway! I'm finally gonna leave you alone now with the ramblings.... Great show today homeslices....
Signed,
kathleen from the bronx :):):)