Kathleen From The Bronx
10-22-2007, 03:25 PM
Dear Ron and Fez Shooow,
I started writing this over the weekend and now it might seem a bit dated.... hmmm.... Well I'll just send it anyway if that's aight....Here's what I was babbling:
OK.... I have been pretty supportive of the terrible 70's opening music this week, right? I thought it was all really funny.....at first... but I can takes what I can takes.... and then I can takes no more....Good thing it was all over as of Friday, eh? Fez Marie Whatley you have climbed a mountain of bad 70's music .... You have planted your Fez flag......You have claimed it as your own..... It's all over now, right? Right!?! Answer me!!!! It can't be my imagination...and my persecution complex.... that leads me to believe that the songs have progressively gotten worse as the week rolled on.....Friday's song I had never heard in all my years...never, ever.... and I SHOULD have been thanking God every day for that blessing....."Thank you Lord for protecting me from all the dreadful songs that I never knew existed..." ....maybe then that streak could have continued.... I'm adding that to my litany of gratitude and ridiculous requests.....
"Playground in My Mind," by Clint Holmes, it was..... That song was like one of the worst songs I have ever heard from any decade in the history of life! I can't stand a song with a nursery rhyme gimmicky sound...sung by children...... Sure there may be some examples of good ones, I guess... but really... most any little kid chorus just comes off mad creepy!
They all just sound like repressed memories, and I should know...........after watching so many Lifetime made-for-T.V. movies. Stop judging me!! Maybe some people do drugs and then watch T.V. with elderly relatives while downing a box of White Cheddar Cheez-Its......
Anyway, seems every time you hear a little kid chorale singing a song, or a nursery rhyme kinda tune on one of these movies.....WhOoop! Here comes an abduction....or an awful flashback....or something like that...... For instance there was this one TV movie in particular starring Pam Dawber and that lil cherub Brian Bonsall where during the entire triflin story, the song, "Do You Know The Muffin Man?" would play constantly..... I hate that creepy traditional children's song, I always, always have.... It's all inherently weird and haunting and oogey....shuddder....especially when sung in the high, sweet voices of innocent children.... "Do you know the muffin man, the muffin man, the muffin man....Oh, do you know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?" It spells terror.
I easily picture the muffin man as some kinda lecherous Aqualung type character.... darkly looming and luring kids away with muffins... That's exactly who I picture- that album cover creep....and now Clint Holmes....Ugh!! The fact that this disturbing movie of the week from the late 80's, an abuse drama which went by the same title, used the melody constantly... well that did nothing to help rectify that awful association..... I hate the fuckin muffin man! Stay the hell away from Drury Lane.... errr... Let's do everything we can to abolish that song, huh? Yeah.... so that's what the opening song reminded me.... whether that makes a shred of sense or not! Hmmm.... actually now that I think of it, many horror films employ the children singing gimmick for creepiness..... Then that makes sense..... I guess... for the spooookiness of Friday's show....... Man that really was a terrible opening song...then stop talking about it already! Thank God I had a funeral to take my mind off of it!
You know man, I was pullin for U.S.F. to win, not that I have ever slightly given half a rat's ass about College football..... I just did not want no Big Cat in a box! Well they lost of course, and it was Fez's funeral.... and of all the ways that I had feared it might go...which was all fraught with panic..... I was really happy to hear that Fez Whatley kicked fear's ass on Friday....
Sure there was bargaining and, "Ronnie, I just don't think I can do this..." but he came through man..... Fezzie offered that if Pepper Hicks could stay in that bootleg ass casket for 30 minutes he could have the opening music back....but Pepper refused..... When I say it was a bootleg-ass casket......Wooo.... What da fuck???
A used, formaldehyde-stinking, stained-satin coffin-interior was like adding insult to injury as far as this coffin bet goes..... as far as I am concerned! I mean, I have already complained about the claustrophobia aspect of the whole thing, but then to have to be surrounded by stank.... your living head where a dead one has been.... leaking!?!? Some dead skull discolored the satin pillow..... Oh my God.... Screaming, "Nasty!!!!!!!" doesn't quite cover it......
Shit, I heard that Pitzy said he'd gotten his hands on that coffin through some, "connection," of his...... Connection?? Yo.... I dunno..... When I think of, "having connections," free booze comes to mind....or...being able to get good seats for some show......or getting guns made of gold..... or ummm....probably some illegal shit..... but the point.... the point is, being able to swiftly obtain a wretched used coffin is no networking to be proud of! That's not a connection...... I think it's what might be known as, "knowing some guy who hoards creepy shit in his basement,".... and stay away from him! Oh....unless Fez loses that other bet to J. Dubs and has to spend a show in a coffin again..... It was really funny to me how Fezzie ruefully remarked that it was odd that the staff never seems to be able to pull off getting drinks in time for when there is food in the studio.... and yet... like magic....can get a coffin within hours.... So yeah, that is pretty impressive!
Uuuhhhh.... sorry to digress a little.... So there was more begging.... Fezzie pleaded with Earl to spend one minute in the box, so that he could take 30 minutes off of his sentence.... Ron joined in, "Earl do it for Jesus and the soul of Miles Davis!!!" I'm tellin you, I was shocked and proud of Earl that he actually did it! Well Earl came through... but not after fainting and crying first.... but it counts! After The Fainting Goat's one minute in the coffin Ron asked him if he sill wanted to be buried in a coffin when he died....Earl quickly answered, "NO!! I want a silver cup. I want to be burned up...." Ron replied, " I'll do it now!! Seriously, if I can light you on fire I'll take 30 more minutes off Fez!" Man, that was sweet, Ron always lookin out for Fezzielou......
Well Fez wasn't happy when the time finally came for him to get into that coffin..."It's gonna be dark and hot in there!" Ron helped to ease Fez's apprehension by stating that, "Well, think of it like this. I'll be right out here in all of this air!" and, "You know Fez, the mind is so powerful....you can just picture yourself somewhere else..... like when you are at the dentist's office, you can lie back and picture yourself at the beach.....Today you can get in that coffin and picture yourself in a coffin...and that people are throwing dirt of you!" I so love those Ronnie B. guided meditations...... Ron also added that, this is the problem with gambling and making crazy bets....You never picture yourself losing..... He explained, "I've never even bought a lotto ticket without spending some of the money and thinking, 'Well this will be good news for my parents, obviously.' "
Of course Fezzie didn't wanna pay off that bet, but he did it... Everything that Ronnie was chanting as The Big Cat was gettin in that coffin was so killa....so nice to pump Fez up like that... but also too.... it was all foreshadowing of how the stunt would go down.... with Fezzielou emerging as the bad ass that we all know he can be...... "Fez THE MUTHAFUCKIN Whatley!!! The Big Cat!!! Ain't a stunt he won't do!!!"....... "Bury your fears!!! Fear is DEAD as of today!!! He spits in the eye of death!!! He's The Big Cat!!!!"...... "The Bravery of The Big Cat!!!" was what Ronnie B. was yelling... and it was all true.... Fez was mad brave throughout the whole ordeal, and was just on fire with the funniness too!
Soon as Fez got in there, Ronnie sadly said, "The weird thing is I'm actually starting to feel bad, like we're really saying goodbye to Fez....... Goodbye to my troubles!" Fez yelled, "HEY!" to which Ron asked, "Well what do you want me to do, wear black like an old Italian woman forever???" Fezzie answered in a squeaky little voice, "Pleeeeease.." and it just had me rollin.........
Fez then announced, "I'm gonna shit myself just to improve the smell in here!" Ronnie added, " If you need to, you can just go ahead and take a leak.." Fez responded, "Well that's the first reassuring thing that I've heard today..." The other nice thing was that Ron offered to slip Fezzie slices of pizza or a sandwich in his coffin....Fez yelled, "That's the last thing I need is to have some kinda Mama Cass episode here inside the casket!" Man, I love a Mama Cass reference.......
U.S.A Today used to have this daily haiku contest in which they'd assign a topic and you'd ented your haiku everyday according to that.... No matter the topic, each day I'd submit a haiku about Mama Cass...or the subject AND Mama Cass...just ot mix it up a little..... It was one of the small joys of my day to imagine some poor USA Today drone, whoever was given the task, having to read through all the haikus and coming across mine..... as if maybe he or she might eventually go mad and possibly scream, "More Mama Cass!!??? Every day Mama Cass!!!??!?! WHAT is her PROBLEM!!!?"... Just as Ronnie described gambling, after every entry I submitted, I always was pretty certain that I'd win..... Man, I miss that U.S.A Today haiku contest... I find myself with so much to say about Mama Cass.... Oooh but now's not the time....
Anyway, back to the funeral! The scariest fuckin thing was after a few minutes without talking to Fezzie, Ron called out his name............and there was no answer! Everyone in the studio freaked.... and I did too for sure.... To not hear Fezzie respond, and to hear Ron's voice then turn so scarily serious......."Get him out!" Damn, that was petrifying!!! It was like this huge tidal wave of relief to hear Fezzie say.... "Ohhh sorry I couldn't hear you...... I'm in A COFFIN!"
After that point, everyone began worrying that Fezzie wasn't getting enough oxygen, so every now and then they would open the casket a little to let some air in, and every time Fezzielou would act like he was trying to escape....... by, "clawing at the air," was how Ron described it..... "I seee the outside!!!!" Fezzie screamed.... and claimed it was a, "natural reaction." That made me laugh cause it seemed extra desperate then..... and oddly cat-like.......
With Fezzie trapped in that coffin, East Side Dave told on Fezzie that days before Fez had been spotted eating all this candy..... "Tattletale!!!! Speaking ill of the dead!!!!" Fezzie screamed... Dave did his Board Gossip..... When Ronnie asked Fez for comment, Fezzie said that his only regret was, " I just wish there was room for this bit in here!" Being stuck in a coffin for hours makes Fezzie cranky and hilarious........Elfish called this day as well... as a long lost friend might show up at a funeral..... "OooooH HIIII Fezzzie," he said..... Fezzie yelled, "Oh I MUST be in Hell!!!"
For real, I could not get over how funny Fez was all day....WHILE TRAPPED IN A COFFIN! I mean, The Big Cat always cackled me.... but I'm sayin.... that was some amazing shit! After almost being dropped by the pallbearers and having all the interns jump on the casket to the point where Fez claimed that it seemed as though it was all caving in on him......when he finally escaped the grave...... Fez Whatley exclaimed, "This is the WORST funeral I've ever been to!!!!!!"
I have to tell you, I really think that this funeral has been the BEST one for me...! It definitely was the funniest...... Great show :0)
Signed,
kathleen from the bronx :):):)
I started writing this over the weekend and now it might seem a bit dated.... hmmm.... Well I'll just send it anyway if that's aight....Here's what I was babbling:
OK.... I have been pretty supportive of the terrible 70's opening music this week, right? I thought it was all really funny.....at first... but I can takes what I can takes.... and then I can takes no more....Good thing it was all over as of Friday, eh? Fez Marie Whatley you have climbed a mountain of bad 70's music .... You have planted your Fez flag......You have claimed it as your own..... It's all over now, right? Right!?! Answer me!!!! It can't be my imagination...and my persecution complex.... that leads me to believe that the songs have progressively gotten worse as the week rolled on.....Friday's song I had never heard in all my years...never, ever.... and I SHOULD have been thanking God every day for that blessing....."Thank you Lord for protecting me from all the dreadful songs that I never knew existed..." ....maybe then that streak could have continued.... I'm adding that to my litany of gratitude and ridiculous requests.....
"Playground in My Mind," by Clint Holmes, it was..... That song was like one of the worst songs I have ever heard from any decade in the history of life! I can't stand a song with a nursery rhyme gimmicky sound...sung by children...... Sure there may be some examples of good ones, I guess... but really... most any little kid chorus just comes off mad creepy!
They all just sound like repressed memories, and I should know...........after watching so many Lifetime made-for-T.V. movies. Stop judging me!! Maybe some people do drugs and then watch T.V. with elderly relatives while downing a box of White Cheddar Cheez-Its......
Anyway, seems every time you hear a little kid chorale singing a song, or a nursery rhyme kinda tune on one of these movies.....WhOoop! Here comes an abduction....or an awful flashback....or something like that...... For instance there was this one TV movie in particular starring Pam Dawber and that lil cherub Brian Bonsall where during the entire triflin story, the song, "Do You Know The Muffin Man?" would play constantly..... I hate that creepy traditional children's song, I always, always have.... It's all inherently weird and haunting and oogey....shuddder....especially when sung in the high, sweet voices of innocent children.... "Do you know the muffin man, the muffin man, the muffin man....Oh, do you know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?" It spells terror.
I easily picture the muffin man as some kinda lecherous Aqualung type character.... darkly looming and luring kids away with muffins... That's exactly who I picture- that album cover creep....and now Clint Holmes....Ugh!! The fact that this disturbing movie of the week from the late 80's, an abuse drama which went by the same title, used the melody constantly... well that did nothing to help rectify that awful association..... I hate the fuckin muffin man! Stay the hell away from Drury Lane.... errr... Let's do everything we can to abolish that song, huh? Yeah.... so that's what the opening song reminded me.... whether that makes a shred of sense or not! Hmmm.... actually now that I think of it, many horror films employ the children singing gimmick for creepiness..... Then that makes sense..... I guess... for the spooookiness of Friday's show....... Man that really was a terrible opening song...then stop talking about it already! Thank God I had a funeral to take my mind off of it!
You know man, I was pullin for U.S.F. to win, not that I have ever slightly given half a rat's ass about College football..... I just did not want no Big Cat in a box! Well they lost of course, and it was Fez's funeral.... and of all the ways that I had feared it might go...which was all fraught with panic..... I was really happy to hear that Fez Whatley kicked fear's ass on Friday....
Sure there was bargaining and, "Ronnie, I just don't think I can do this..." but he came through man..... Fezzie offered that if Pepper Hicks could stay in that bootleg ass casket for 30 minutes he could have the opening music back....but Pepper refused..... When I say it was a bootleg-ass casket......Wooo.... What da fuck???
A used, formaldehyde-stinking, stained-satin coffin-interior was like adding insult to injury as far as this coffin bet goes..... as far as I am concerned! I mean, I have already complained about the claustrophobia aspect of the whole thing, but then to have to be surrounded by stank.... your living head where a dead one has been.... leaking!?!? Some dead skull discolored the satin pillow..... Oh my God.... Screaming, "Nasty!!!!!!!" doesn't quite cover it......
Shit, I heard that Pitzy said he'd gotten his hands on that coffin through some, "connection," of his...... Connection?? Yo.... I dunno..... When I think of, "having connections," free booze comes to mind....or...being able to get good seats for some show......or getting guns made of gold..... or ummm....probably some illegal shit..... but the point.... the point is, being able to swiftly obtain a wretched used coffin is no networking to be proud of! That's not a connection...... I think it's what might be known as, "knowing some guy who hoards creepy shit in his basement,".... and stay away from him! Oh....unless Fez loses that other bet to J. Dubs and has to spend a show in a coffin again..... It was really funny to me how Fezzie ruefully remarked that it was odd that the staff never seems to be able to pull off getting drinks in time for when there is food in the studio.... and yet... like magic....can get a coffin within hours.... So yeah, that is pretty impressive!
Uuuhhhh.... sorry to digress a little.... So there was more begging.... Fezzie pleaded with Earl to spend one minute in the box, so that he could take 30 minutes off of his sentence.... Ron joined in, "Earl do it for Jesus and the soul of Miles Davis!!!" I'm tellin you, I was shocked and proud of Earl that he actually did it! Well Earl came through... but not after fainting and crying first.... but it counts! After The Fainting Goat's one minute in the coffin Ron asked him if he sill wanted to be buried in a coffin when he died....Earl quickly answered, "NO!! I want a silver cup. I want to be burned up...." Ron replied, " I'll do it now!! Seriously, if I can light you on fire I'll take 30 more minutes off Fez!" Man, that was sweet, Ron always lookin out for Fezzielou......
Well Fez wasn't happy when the time finally came for him to get into that coffin..."It's gonna be dark and hot in there!" Ron helped to ease Fez's apprehension by stating that, "Well, think of it like this. I'll be right out here in all of this air!" and, "You know Fez, the mind is so powerful....you can just picture yourself somewhere else..... like when you are at the dentist's office, you can lie back and picture yourself at the beach.....Today you can get in that coffin and picture yourself in a coffin...and that people are throwing dirt of you!" I so love those Ronnie B. guided meditations...... Ron also added that, this is the problem with gambling and making crazy bets....You never picture yourself losing..... He explained, "I've never even bought a lotto ticket without spending some of the money and thinking, 'Well this will be good news for my parents, obviously.' "
Of course Fezzie didn't wanna pay off that bet, but he did it... Everything that Ronnie was chanting as The Big Cat was gettin in that coffin was so killa....so nice to pump Fez up like that... but also too.... it was all foreshadowing of how the stunt would go down.... with Fezzielou emerging as the bad ass that we all know he can be...... "Fez THE MUTHAFUCKIN Whatley!!! The Big Cat!!! Ain't a stunt he won't do!!!"....... "Bury your fears!!! Fear is DEAD as of today!!! He spits in the eye of death!!! He's The Big Cat!!!!"...... "The Bravery of The Big Cat!!!" was what Ronnie B. was yelling... and it was all true.... Fez was mad brave throughout the whole ordeal, and was just on fire with the funniness too!
Soon as Fez got in there, Ronnie sadly said, "The weird thing is I'm actually starting to feel bad, like we're really saying goodbye to Fez....... Goodbye to my troubles!" Fez yelled, "HEY!" to which Ron asked, "Well what do you want me to do, wear black like an old Italian woman forever???" Fezzie answered in a squeaky little voice, "Pleeeeease.." and it just had me rollin.........
Fez then announced, "I'm gonna shit myself just to improve the smell in here!" Ronnie added, " If you need to, you can just go ahead and take a leak.." Fez responded, "Well that's the first reassuring thing that I've heard today..." The other nice thing was that Ron offered to slip Fezzie slices of pizza or a sandwich in his coffin....Fez yelled, "That's the last thing I need is to have some kinda Mama Cass episode here inside the casket!" Man, I love a Mama Cass reference.......
U.S.A Today used to have this daily haiku contest in which they'd assign a topic and you'd ented your haiku everyday according to that.... No matter the topic, each day I'd submit a haiku about Mama Cass...or the subject AND Mama Cass...just ot mix it up a little..... It was one of the small joys of my day to imagine some poor USA Today drone, whoever was given the task, having to read through all the haikus and coming across mine..... as if maybe he or she might eventually go mad and possibly scream, "More Mama Cass!!??? Every day Mama Cass!!!??!?! WHAT is her PROBLEM!!!?"... Just as Ronnie described gambling, after every entry I submitted, I always was pretty certain that I'd win..... Man, I miss that U.S.A Today haiku contest... I find myself with so much to say about Mama Cass.... Oooh but now's not the time....
Anyway, back to the funeral! The scariest fuckin thing was after a few minutes without talking to Fezzie, Ron called out his name............and there was no answer! Everyone in the studio freaked.... and I did too for sure.... To not hear Fezzie respond, and to hear Ron's voice then turn so scarily serious......."Get him out!" Damn, that was petrifying!!! It was like this huge tidal wave of relief to hear Fezzie say.... "Ohhh sorry I couldn't hear you...... I'm in A COFFIN!"
After that point, everyone began worrying that Fezzie wasn't getting enough oxygen, so every now and then they would open the casket a little to let some air in, and every time Fezzielou would act like he was trying to escape....... by, "clawing at the air," was how Ron described it..... "I seee the outside!!!!" Fezzie screamed.... and claimed it was a, "natural reaction." That made me laugh cause it seemed extra desperate then..... and oddly cat-like.......
With Fezzie trapped in that coffin, East Side Dave told on Fezzie that days before Fez had been spotted eating all this candy..... "Tattletale!!!! Speaking ill of the dead!!!!" Fezzie screamed... Dave did his Board Gossip..... When Ronnie asked Fez for comment, Fezzie said that his only regret was, " I just wish there was room for this bit in here!" Being stuck in a coffin for hours makes Fezzie cranky and hilarious........Elfish called this day as well... as a long lost friend might show up at a funeral..... "OooooH HIIII Fezzzie," he said..... Fezzie yelled, "Oh I MUST be in Hell!!!"
For real, I could not get over how funny Fez was all day....WHILE TRAPPED IN A COFFIN! I mean, The Big Cat always cackled me.... but I'm sayin.... that was some amazing shit! After almost being dropped by the pallbearers and having all the interns jump on the casket to the point where Fez claimed that it seemed as though it was all caving in on him......when he finally escaped the grave...... Fez Whatley exclaimed, "This is the WORST funeral I've ever been to!!!!!!"
I have to tell you, I really think that this funeral has been the BEST one for me...! It definitely was the funniest...... Great show :0)
Signed,
kathleen from the bronx :):):)