ADOPTION: When is the right time to tell a child the truth? [Archive]

fluffernutter

10-23-2007, 08:04 PM

Ok, so I'm pretty much at lurker status here these days and add much besides my wonderful little drawings but I hope I can still get some valuable advice from the community here.

Long story short, 2 1/2 years ago, I meet girl, she has a little girl, we fall in love, we're getting married next month and I am now called (and have been taking the role of) Daddy.

Now I had always known my little girl still carried her biological father's last name and not her mothers. A father who had last seen her 4 years ago Christmas and is a nice chunk of change behind in Child Support. For the longest time she had not even known of a last name except for situations when she needed to have a last name to be registered (karate, church, etc.). She started Kindergarten in September and was writing her name and REAL last initial and now she is saying her full last name. Now we don't want to confuse her but the adoption papers for me to be Official Dad are in the works.

I had the idea, which seems a bit wrong, to just tell her that since Mommy and Daddy are getting married, she will now have my last name. Then maybe later on when she understands better, we will tell her what the real story is. She knows of no one else as Daddy except for me and I wouldn't want it to work against me in any way or as the age of 5 confuse her. I'm really wondering what is the right way to go about it. I know there are books out there but as always, I like to pick the brains of those here first.

In my 5 years here I have read some great stories and accounts where there has been some great advice and real to life things along with all of the fun this place can be. The board here really reflects the show in that sense.

I only fear with telling her later (at say, age 11) she may really backlash against us for keeping the truth from her. It's not the end of the world but just a little speed bump.

So in a nutshell thats that. Any words of advice are greatly appreciated. Thanks. :)

PapaBear

10-23-2007, 08:10 PM

I've known a few people who were adopted. None of them could remember a time when they didn't know they were adopted, so they were obviously told very early. All of them are some of the most well adjusted, happy, and successful people I've ever known. One of them is even the adopted son of a man who was was also adopted.

BTW... Congratulations on the impending marriage!!!!

TooLowBrow

10-23-2007, 08:24 PM

http://www.wacocivictheatre.org/Images/0708%20Season/annie.jpg
So maybe now it's time,
And maybe when I wake
They'll be there calling me "Baby"...
Maybe.

Friday

10-23-2007, 08:34 PM

I was adopted from birth.... flew with my parents from Mexico to JFK when I was a mere 36 hours old.

They told me as soon as I could comprehend. It was my bedtime story as a small child... how my parents met, fell in love, and came to adopt me. As I grew older, we read books together about adoption... and I was able to speak freely about it. I think that's so important. To tell the child everything as early as possible. Honesty... as in all things... the best policy.

My aunt was adopted. But her story was not revealed to her until she was nearly 18. Needless to say... there was a certain amount of resentment to deal with there. She was my validation that my parents did it the right way.

Adoption is a blessing. And your parents can never tell you that you were a mistake or an accident lol.

With that being said... I think you should tell her now. In simple terms... and leave the floor open to questions. Kids absorb and comprehend a lot more than we give them credit for.

spoon

10-23-2007, 08:59 PM

Well I definitely defer to the feedback from those with actual experience with the matter. However, I think your situation is a little different as she is with her biological mother. To me, I would really figure it out with her mother most importantly. I surely wouldn't wait until 18, but 5 may be a little too early to burden her with, especially as the marriage approaches. A lot of times, the best schedule presents itself and you just know it should be done then and there.

So, overall I don't think there is a right or wrong answer here bc if done right, with love, any choice you make can and will work.

Congrats and good luck.

midwestjeff

10-23-2007, 09:02 PM

My sister got married when my niece was 5. The father had committed suicide while my sister was pregnant. At the wedding reception my Brother-in-Law got on his knee and gave my niece a ring, to show that not only was he committing himself to my sister but to my niece too. It was probably one of the most beautiful, sweet, and touching things I have ever witnessed. On a practical level, it made the changing of my niece's last name easier to explain to her. And it seems to have worked pretty well because my niece is now 14 and refers to him as dad without a second thought. There may be some rebellion eventually but she knows that he is truly her father, regardless of adoption or blood or anything else.

spoon

10-23-2007, 09:25 PM

Nice story Jeff. Thanks for sharing.

KC2OSO

10-23-2007, 09:27 PM

For all things child-related, when they ask, it is time to tell.
Always, if they are asking the question, then, they are ready to hear the answer.
Whatever it is. Gild your histories as you may but give them the honest truth.
oh and...

Today, while the blossoms still cling to the vine,
I'll taste your strawberries, I'll drink your sweet wine,
A million tomorrows will all pass away,
E'er I forget all the joy that is mine today.

&c.

Good luck Daddy!

JPMNICK

10-23-2007, 09:28 PM

Nice story Jeff. Thanks for sharing.

i love sensitive spoon

fluff congrats on the pending nuptials. i am glad a kid in this word will have a dad as cool as you.

i think now is the perfect time to tell you. i have a cousin who is 5 and understand everything that is going on. when i was living with my chick, she asked questions and still remembers the answers that i gave her. they are not stupid at that age, they can understand social things very easy.

NickyL0885

10-23-2007, 10:01 PM

Ritalin

10-24-2007, 01:05 AM

Fluffer,

All great stuff, the wedding, the adoption. At first when I read your question, I wondered why you would want to change her last name at all, but I see where you're coming from and you should do it and be completely open and honest about the whole thing from the very start. What else is there, you know what I mean?

Like Friday, my wife is adopted and she always knew she was adopted. Adoption is only strange to people who've never experienced it. What Nicky says in the post above is a common thought but really off the mark. Perhaps his family doesn't have room in their lives for an adopted child - not everyone does - but if he came across a situation where he felt like he could provide a child with the care it needed I bet his family would love that child like their own.

Flesh and blood is overrated sometimes.

Fluffer, adopt that little girl, give her your name, tell her that you're her father now and love her to death. You're a good man.

spoon

10-24-2007, 01:38 AM

Personally, I would never adopt. B/c, and this will sound mean, I could never love the kid the same way as I would a child that came from me and my wife. Also, I want my last name to live on and you can't really do that w/ an adopted kid. Sure the papers will say your last name but the kid isn't mine. So, its not legit.

Can't disagree more on this one with you Nicky. Sure I want to pass on my lineage as well, but perhaps the most important thing that gets passed on is your ideals, beliefs and way of life. If I adopted a kid and raised him/her as my own I'm certain I love the hell out of it just the same. It's about being there as a young kid enters this harsh world and learns from your mistakes in life as well as your vast knowledge. I bet you'd be surprised how much you can love a kid that isn't of you blood, especially when it's the child of the woman you love as is the case here.

I know you meant no ill will on this and it's not easy to go the other way with an issue as you have. However, I feel you may have spoken without really feeling out the situation. What happens if you yourself can't have kids? Do you really think you have no ability to love a kid adopted that you raise from their childhood as if it were your own? That kid, blood or not, will grow to be just like you and love you if you're a good parent. Hell, dogs/pets even embody their owners with their personalities and dispositions. Those little suckers aren't even of our species and I love my two pooches to fucking death. I could only imagine how much I'll love my children when I'm ready to make that move. Of course it'll be a big change in anyone's life, but I can tell you one thing for sure, he/she or they will definitely be on bauer skates by 2! Perhaps even sooner.

fluffernutter

10-24-2007, 03:52 AM

At the wedding reception my Brother-in-Law got on his knee and gave my niece a ring, to show that not only was he committing himself to my sister but to my niece too. It was probably one of the most beautiful, sweet, and touching things I have ever witnessed.

Holy shit that choked me up. Even as I was taking her to the car in my arms this morning in the pouring rain and shes smacking me in the back of the head cause she couldn't find her favourite sweatshirt. Oh the restraint it took not to yell. Phew.

I love her and her Mom so much and they are quite the blessing.

That story echos exactly what we are going to do at our ceremony. There will be a time when she will come up with us and we will give her a pendant from us both. I'll be a crying mess probably but damn will it feel great.

FUNKMAN

10-24-2007, 06:28 AM

first off Best Of Luck to you guys... this is a real 'feel good' situation.

imho - when a family truly loves each other then it will happen naturally. if your daughter asks first you will figure out a way to tell her the truth that she will understand. Or, if she does not ask, your 'soon to be' wife and yourself will know when it's right to let her know.

MadMatt

10-24-2007, 06:33 AM

First, congratulations Fluff - it is great to hear things are going well and you have such a wonderful family.

To me it sounds like you are already on the right track; the marriage is between you, your wife, and her/your daughter. Make it an "official" union of the family.

And, as I am sure you are aware, kids can pick up things a lot more quickly than expected sometimes. I am always amazed how attentive and bright my daughter is. IMO treating it as a "matter of fact" situation is the way to go.

I really like Friday's bedtime story - it is a beautiful way to celebrate the love of your family and still relate the adoption issue.

WhistlePig

10-24-2007, 08:45 AM

Congratulations Fluffernutter!

I agree with everyone that says tell her sooner rather than later. And remember, the real dad is the person who raises the child and loves them--not the sperm donor. You are this child's real dad. Happy marriage and parenting!

topless_mike

10-24-2007, 11:04 AM

i think you should tell her when she is old enough to comprehend, but at the age where she knows that she doesnt have to talk about it to other kids (dont need to give anybody ammunition against her).

nothing wrong with being adopted, its just i know how kids are. anything different than their own little world...

thats why i think if you bring up at an early enough age, she will have lots of time to comprehend and accept it.

ugh- all of this is not coming out the way i want it to. i hope it doesnt seem rude to anybody who was adopted- sorry if it does

DarkHippie

10-24-2007, 12:51 PM

First, congrats Fluff! I bet you will be a great Daddy (i guess youa re already, but you know what i mean).

i think that telling her the truth right away is the way to go. Don't worry about confusing her, kids comprhend much more than we think they do, especially at a young age where their brains are so rapidly laying down tracks.

Also, if you tell the truth now, she'll have no reason to hate you later for lying.

led37zep

10-24-2007, 01:51 PM

I think its the best to let the kid know sooner than later. The longer you wait the more of an issue it will be along with the "backlash" you fear. Someone in my extended family has made the same mistake.

One of my cousins was conceived just prior to her mother and father getting engaged by another man. She grew up thinking both her parents were biological. From what I have been told they always planned on telling her when she was in Jr. High and old enough to understand. That never happened, they must have got nervous and decided not to say anything. My cousin is now almost 30 and has no idea her father isn't her real father. At this point if she were to find out it would probably destroy everything she knows as true and just create a mess for everyone involved.

So my advice is to be honest with her upfront, if she grows up knowing the truth it won't nearly be that big of a deal in the long run.

good luck!

Bulldogcakes

10-24-2007, 02:52 PM

RoseBlood

10-24-2007, 03:24 PM

Personally, I would never adopt. B/c, and this will sound mean, I could never love the kid the same way as I would a child that came from me and my wife. Also, I want my last name to live on and you can't really do that w/ an adopted kid. Sure the papers will say your last name but the kid isn't mine. So, its not legit.

I don't agree with your thinking one bit but I have to give you credit for being so honest as I'm sure you had to assume you were going to get heat for posting this?

Imo, it's not about trying to create a clone of yourself, it's about creating a family. Sure we all like to joke about who's genes the kids will inherit but when it comes down to it, we all need to get over the love of ourselves especially when it comes to raising children. As I said, it's about wanting to have a family, not just wanting someone who is biologically linked to you. I know some people who have adopted and they all say they don't look at their child as less then theirs, they are just theirs. They are their child like any other, born from the love and commitment they made. I'm not saying it's not difficult for potential parents to change their ideals that their children will look like them but once they do they all say they love their child, not their "adopted" child but their child.

P.S I hope you never adopt too :wink:

TheMojoPin

10-24-2007, 06:29 PM

Congrats on the union, Fluff!

As for your question...

http://www.lolcats.com/images/u/07/22/lolcatsdotcomq0sgjxfx758rcuy9.jpg

Recyclerz

10-24-2007, 07:49 PM

Let me add my congratulations and best wishes to the Nutter family.

Like Friday I was adopted as an infant and my experiences and feelings are congruent with hers. I think you proposal for explaining your daughter's name change is an elegant one. I don't know what, if any, role you expect her biological father to play in her life. It seems like he's doing the honorable thing by relinquishing his legal rights but he could show up sometime later so I think you should explain the situation to her as soon as you and her mother think she's able to understand.

As long as you love your daughter and wife with everything you've got, and it sounds like you do, I don't think you'll have anything to worry about.

Zorro

10-24-2007, 07:54 PM

Good luck... seems to me you're right on target.

Friday

10-24-2007, 08:02 PM

Imo, it's not about trying to create a clone of yourself, it's about creating a family. Sure we all like to joke about who's genes the kids will inherit but when it comes down to it, we all need to get over the love of ourselves especially when it comes to raising children. As I said, it's about wanting to have a family, not just wanting someone who is biologically linked to you. I know some people who have adopted and they all say they don't look at their child as less then theirs, they are just theirs. They are their child like any other, born from the love and commitment they made. I'm not saying it's not difficult for potential parents to change their ideals that their children will look like them but once they do they all say they love their child, not their "adopted" child but their child.

Well said, Roseblood!

And don't forget the Nature vs Nurture debate....
I can honestly say that I see traits of both my mother and father in me... the only parents I have ever known. And while we have no biological link... the bond and the resemblance is truly uncanny at times!

I am excited for Fluff and his new family to be. A child is lucky to have two (or even more) parents and parental-type-people around them to love them and participate in their life. It shows a great deal of goodness of heart when a man or woman opens their life to the offspring of the one they love.

Best of luck!

Here is a quote that is close to my heart. My mom gave me a copy years ago and someone very special to me also has this hanging over their beautiful adopted daughters' crib:

Not flesh of my flesh, or bone of my bone-
but still miraculously my own
Never forget for a single minute-
you didn't grow under my heart
but in it.

Leticia

10-24-2007, 09:45 PM

Holy shit that choked me up. Even as I was taking her to the car in my arms this morning in the pouring rain and shes smacking me in the back of the head cause she couldn't find her favourite sweatshirt. Oh the restraint it took not to yell. Phew.

I love her and her Mom so much and they are quite the blessing.

That story echos exactly what we are going to do at our ceremony. There will be a time when she will come up with us and we will give her a pendant from us both. I'll be a crying mess probably but damn will it feel great.

Soooooooo beautiful!

I think that adoption is a blessing and kids are way smarter than we give them credit for. I agree with most people here about telling her as early as possible.

They may not fully understand it now, but they'll be able to later on with no resentment.

I'm so happy for you. :clap:

Congratulations!!!!
:glurps::glurps::glurps: <------ happy tears.

ralphbxny

10-24-2007, 09:52 PM

Hey fluff Congrats! I dont have any advice on telling a kid and when, but I want to offer congrats! Your a good man!

topless_mike

10-25-2007, 04:45 AM

Not flesh of my flesh, or bone of my bone-
but still miraculously my own
Never forget for a single minute-
you didn't grow under my heart
but in it.

< all teary now

Crispy123

10-25-2007, 04:50 AM

Congrats on the impending nuptials. I think your plan is good one. My advice would be try to do everything with love for your wife and child. Everyones going to make mistakes along the road of life but if you make your decisions with the well being of your loved ones in mind I think it usually turns out all right. Sounds like you kids are going to do well together.

buzzard

10-25-2007, 12:48 PM

Best of luck to you Fluffernutter,when my Dad married my Mom she already had 5 kids..then they still had my brother & I,obviously yer one of those born to be a parent kinna guys God Bless you Man! after reading all of yer friends posts,there's nothing I could/would say that they didn't!:thumbup::thumbup:

Keotok

10-25-2007, 02:30 PM

Congrats.

I was in a similar situation. I married a man with two kids. At the time of our marriage, the kids were 3 and 7. We had been living together for about 2 years prior, and both kids new from the get-go where I stood, where their mom stood, and where we were going to go as a family. No lies. Strait up truth without being hurtful, or displaying the hard feelings both their father and I had towards their mother. Now the boys are 16 and 13, and we are all doing fine. Questions come up all the time, and I just tell them the truth. Hope that helps.

AngelAmy

10-25-2007, 03:33 PM

I think your daughter is at the perfect age to tell her about it. Kids are smart. If you use words that she will understand it will stay with her. There will always be a time when she gets older that you can go into more detail with her but for now I am sure how ever you and your finance will go about it will be good enough for her.

Adoption is a beautiful thing. My aunt and uncle adopted 2 boys from Lithuania and they became an official part of our family in the beginning of the year and they have been a blessing. I love my new cousins. Just knowing they are in a loving family now warms my heart. Nobody cares if they were born from our blood or not, the fact is they are in this family now and we love them.

:)

Kris10

10-27-2007, 01:05 PM