Kathleen From The Bronx
10-27-2007, 11:30 PM
Dear Ron and Fez Shooow,
I have to tell you something. Lookit me- I am a sea-monster. I eat kelp three meals a day....I didn't know it until Wednesday......
I was not fully aware of this fact until during Wednesday's show, when Ron was talking about some guy who said that he'd been listening to the RnF Show for years and during that time he had related to nothing....to no thing.... Ron announced, "You would have to be a sea-monster to relate to this show.....You'd have to eat kelp three meals a day!"
I am...I do! I relate..... I relate to tons of shit...like...not knowing random facts about rabbits.....like.... wanting to talk about Goonies.......like....screaming, "My sins wake me!! OHhh the cries of the innocent!!!! Lotsa stuff that's brought up everyday....... Maybe you're thinking, "Wow you really have an interesting life!" Yeah....(shrug) Just lucky I guess....
Well, here I am wanting to talk about rabbits again..... Rabbit is the new cat this season?? ....Maybe..... I totally had never heard that cautionary tale about the grave, dire effects that a blow-dryer can inflict upon dear Bunny Hopkins... It got me thinking.... "Would I ever try to blow-dry a rabbit?" I don't think so.....mostly because I don't want to touch a rabbit or have it near me at all in the first place.... but besides that I still don't think that I would. Then again, I really don't know how to take care of pets......I mean, yeah.... I've had my turtle, Felix Unger forever....but let's face it...it's like feeding a shitting rock... Not much to it.
Yeah, my moms wasn't big on animals in the apartment.... We didn't have pets....In fact, I think the general policy was, "Stay away from those filthy animals," or something like that.... I don't know....I get confused after all this time... That might have been policy she held about my upstairs neighbors too.
Anyway Ron and Fez Show, I haven't thought about this in a long, long time... Thanks for bringing up a repressed memory from my childhood of giant rabbit! When I was in 2nd grade, our classroom was right next to the Pre-K, the pre-school's room on the second floor... We were just separated by these French doors with curtains...so sometimes you could catch a glimpse of em running around in there and having fun...art and crafts, and what have ya....You were definitely able to hear them.... laughing, singing songs, shrieking..... It was an early dose of bitterness to be in the second grade next door, knowing the freedom those pre-kindergartners had.... They had no idea what they were in for... in a few short years....They had it good... I'd think begrudgingly, "They have NO IDEA of the spelling that goes on in here..."
I would have been kind of jealous of their never-ending recess of a day......if it wasn't for all the rabbits they had! Sometimes on Fridays our teacher would take our class over to visit the Pre-K....I think it was supposed to be this big-sister kinda thing cause we were each assigned a pre-schooler and we'd have to hang out with them for a while..... That part was fun cause we could paint or whatever......but the part that I had fear and loathing about were the bunnies......
In the Pre-K they had this little pen for these two white bunnies....... the ones that have the red eyes...... Listen, let's pause for a moment to consider why anyone would welcome a red-eyed beast into their lives??? Who the fuck buys a pet with red eyes and believes that they'll ever be able to love it? It has red eyes! Do you know nothing about obvious signs of evil...???? Well, that was one thing..... I didn't like the looks of the red-eyed rabbits.....but at least they were contained!
Whoever that fuckin rabbit-lovin maniac was who ran that establishment, also had this giant rabbit that would just hop around the classroom at will..... like the children would learn by loving exotic animals or some shit ... Have you ever seen these rabbits!!????! They're called, "Flemish Giant Rabbits," and they can get up to twenty pounds..... That's half the size of a kid! These were big, fat rabbits! I had never seen the likes of that!! Some caller called in to say that, "Rabbits are very trainable.." Ron yelled, "Well then get them to pull a wagon!!" Dude.... I think it might only take like three of these giant rabbits to pull a wagon.... I dunno..... BIG! Well....one of em could certainly destroy a radio-flyer with one of it's massive, heavy-weight paws.... That's one thing.
Seemed like everyone was like, "oOOooh! BUNNY!" and wanted to pet it, and hug it, and love it and all that kinda stuff.....I did not want it near me.... I dunno, maybe some of my mother's general dislike and distrust of animals had rubbed off on me... I mean, I could hear her voice saying, "Filthy!" and I know that I also wondered if any of these people were gonna wash their hands after all this petting......but anyway.... I simply wanted no part of that. One time this girl in my class, Kenya, said that the rabbit tried to bite her. Nobody believed her and they acted like she had probably been bothering the rabbit forcing it to lash out...... I mean, Kenya was a rabble-rouser,she was rowdy.... and she was also a scapegoat....cause any time a page was ripped out of a book, or someone wrote, "Fuck," or, "shit," on a bookcase.... everyone generally thought that she was the culprit..... I believed her on this occasion....mostly cause she screamed, "That rabbit tried to bite me!!!" and I thought, "I knew that rabbit was no good." I bet you that rabbit did try to bite her is what I thought then... and I think it now....
OH, you know what else I didn't appreciate? I was not into the fact that this rabbit, "Flopsy," was able to just take rabbit dumps all willy-nilly! Wherever the hell that over-sized rodent felt like it, she'd leave a trail of hideous doo-doo pellets... How is that OK? What kind of environment is that for a child?? Ridiculous...
I just remember having to sit in a circle one day in that classroom while that animal was sniffin around....That's another thing....Stop that nose! Yeah... On some level, even at that young age, I guess that I understood that it wouldn't be socially acceptable to freak out and scream, "GET AWAY FROM ME!!!" at a rabbit....so I didn't.... but I had my eye on that giant rabbit the entire time sitting in that circle....and was sending off vibes to it's rabbity brain, "Don't even do it....don't even come over here...." I just did not trust it...did not know why it was so huge....or freely hopping around....... So OK..... Just thought of that again due to the question that arose, "If dogs and cats were no more, what animal would take their places in petdom," or something like that.... My brain was jostled into remembering that obscenely large rabbits exist in the world.... Maybe back then I would have felt more comfortable around the giant rabbit if I had known what to do if rabbits attacked.... As Ron put it after learning the details, "Helpful hint in case the rabbits take over... I'll have a hose in one hand and a blow-dryer in the other!"
Someone was saying that rabbits don't make any noises... I dunno... I thought that I heard Flopsy growl....or sniff demonically....or something like that .... for real..... Ron said that he's heard bunnies make noises before as well..... "Put a blow torch on a rabbit and that noise will stay with you for a long time.....OOoooh WILL IT!" I laughed and laughed and laughed some more at that!
I'm not tryin to come off like an animal hater again....and again...and...again... I like dogs! I think that I might only like dogs though... Perhaps I only have so much room in my heart for caring for animals..... like maybe it's an Orwellian, "All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others," kinda thing from Animal Farm...Hmm, seems sad... apparently I'm missing out... You should probably feel sorry for me or something now.....awww... Oh, or somebody should get to work on a satirical allegory of how I am like Russian totalitarianism... That would be great..
Oooh anyway, like I said... this all came about because of that question about what pet would take over...... There seemed to be a controversy over whether or not horses could be considered pets...... I mean, I don't think so...... Horses are farm animals..... live in stables....they don't live in the house.....except for Mr. Ed.... At times they'd let that fucker in and you saw what happened.... He never shut-up! Ehhhh...I just don't know... but look, I have already pointed out that I am no expert on pets... Dave said that horses are pets because you name them......Ronnie inquired, ""You can name a boat, does that make it a pet?"
Someday I plan to have a pet yacht.... I will name her, "Miss Adventure," or, "Piece of Ship," or, "Wet Dream!" Hurrr hurrr hurrrr.......... Man, sometimes I really wonder about the names that people give their pet boats... Seriously.... Is it all to be ironic at this point since you know that those lil beauties have been sooo plaaaayed out? Ahhh..... whadda I know anyway??? I'm not so nautical.
I know that Ronnie B. was just a-song-quotin up a storm on Friday's show.... I love random song quotage in the middle of a discussion for no apparent reason! It makes me feel SO smart when I recognize; that's one reason.......There was, " Out of the blue and into the black....You pay for this, but they give you that...." Neil Young....Yay! OOoh my favorite thing was when Ronnie was actin like Neil Young has the voice of an old woman, "OOooooh I just baked you kids a pie!" and then also, also when he said, "I'd never get on a plane with him.... Muthafucka would strap on a bomb for the glory of Canada,"....and yet..... Ronnie added, "God Bless your sick, twisted Canadian heart Neal.... I love ya!" Yeah....good ole Neil... Anyway, there were more quotes..... "A chair is still a chair, even when there's no one sittin' there...but a chair is not a house and a house is not a home...." Luther Vandross... Crazy! And then there was, "And the pony she named Wildfire busted down its stall.....In a blizzard he was lost.....She ran calling Wildfiiiire!!!" ....Michael Martin Murphy??? Why.... WHY!!????!!!! Oh yeah.... we were talkin about horses..... Ooh I cackled... that Ron B. would sing that ditty...... Kind of inspiring really....
Speaking of pets... I was thinkin about something..... Well, I know its kind of late, I hope I didn't wake you....But what I got to say can't wait......I know you'd understand....cause every time I tried to tell you, the words just came out wrong....So I'll have to say , "I love when Ron calls up Fez's answering machine and meows to drive Skippy insane," in a blooooog........ You all remember that ole Jim Croce song, don'tchez?? See I can throw lyrics around too.... Heh..?? No, mine suck... You are right.
I just didn't wanna be all laughing and pointing, "HAH! FEZ!!! You have to come home to rolls of paper towels ripped to shreds all over your apartment... and toppled furniture!!!" after Skippi hears the meoooowing messages that Ron leaves.... Every time I tried to tell you Fez, that it cracked me the fuck up, the words just came out wrong and I seemed as though I was heartless and cruel to your tribulations....... oooh but I LOVE IT! On both Wednesday's and Friday's shows.... mid conversation...outta nowhere.... I heard a Ronnie, "Meeeeeeeow, RAOOOW! RAAAOOOOOW!" and then heard Fezzie freak, "What are you doing???!!! Are you calling my cat???!!!" Ahhhhhhh........ hilarious..... :0) Ohh I love cat-calls with Ronnie B.! Be ready for a coded message here: !!!ynnuf ooooooS....tac eht gnillac peeK
Reminds me that Brian and his moms would always call to leave messages on the machine for his grandma's dog, Nicky when Nanny was out at whatever club for seniors....... She'd always call back like, "What are you doin gettin my Nicodemus all riled up!!? My house is a MESS!!!" OOohhh... she'd be pissed... She'd scream, "I'm havin a bird!!!!" cause that was the same thing as a conniption I guess....... Heh, heh..........She named her pets Bible names.....
One thing real quick- That Nicodemos is a real adorable pooch, but he's GOOOFY..... Nuthin about that puppy said that he shoulda been let anywhere near Jesus.. C'mon lady!
OOoh before I stop talkin about pets and animals and everything..... I just gotta tell you this real quick! My favorite new saying was born on Wednesday when Ronnie exclaimed, "Let it flow, brother!! You're a mammal!!!" I know it was in reference to bangin'..or..."gettin yer freak on," as some might say.....but I firmly believe that the phrase would prove encouraging and useful for any plethora of situations..... Like in a, "Hey do what you want, it's your life," kinda way...... "Hey! Let it flow brother! YOU are a mammal!" That shit's the best....... Consider it stolen......
Ah, sorry I'm all jumpin around here throwin in Wednesday goodnesses in along with Friday's show's plenty...... It's like I gobbled up days of funny shows and am now puking it all up and makin ya look at it.... "Bllllahhh!!! Blarg!! Remember this funny thing? Glurg! Splat!" Yeah... I know........sick and rambling....
Oh! Hey, so is Board Gossip's new format all group conference style? I was diggin it.... Yeah... that's how that pet question came up..... as did the news about a possible Goonies 2! I think yez said that if there is to be a Goonies 2, it will be the film with the longest number of years between sequels......from 1985 until whenever the new one shows up...... Hmmmm...... Ohhh I loved Goonies! However, like the rest of the planet...I feel like I've had sufficient Corey Feldman exposure already! I mean, every time I turn on VH1 I seem him behind the 80's or whatever..... Ok! OK! We know what you've been up to since you were a child star....Michael Jackson...you wore a glove...blah, blah, blah...... ENOUGH!
So, the thought of him comin back as a grown-up, "Mouth," isn't like....so tantalizing...... Anyway, Goonies 2 would be so like how you guys said it would go..... They're all adults with kids of their own who were just like them when they were younger... all that shit. I totally envision that the opening scenes would be comprised of the grown-up Goonies running down driveways with their kids backpacks....Ohh hurry, hurrry.... and don't forget that tonight we have the girl daughter's recital and then there's boy child's little league......They have a frantic schedules, they do!
OOooh grown-up Goonines in the modern world! What will it take for you guys to be able to return to, "more simple times??" Hmmm.... maybe their kids will finally stumble upon a hidden treasure map so that they can, one and all, connect as families again...and run from a scary, scary family of freaks and Joe Pantoliano...... All tryin to get to One Eyed Willy's treasure.....Yeah, nice pirate name by the way.... Come on!!!
Even after all my gripes there, I think I might take a peek at a Goonies sequel...... I sure did love The Goonies..... As a matter of fact....that was one of the rare movies that I saw in the theater as a kid...Saw it on 86th street...
We didn't have a VCR till way late either..like one of those deals where EVERYONE did except for us...... When I was like eight, I used to go over to this Margaret's house all the time, and she'd be like, "So what do you want to do???" and I'd say...."Hmmm... we should watch Goonies!" I mean... like... EVERY TIME.... Maybe I'd look at her like she was nuts for even asking.... "This is what we do here, we watch Goonies"...... Possibly it was an early example of O.C.D., everything has to be the same ever time kinda bullshit..... or.... there's a chance that I didn't want to sit through another mind-numbing episode of Pinwheel on Nickelodeon again? What was her love of that show!? It went on and on....never ending..... and there was an all-green guy with a hostile attitude that was such an Oscar the Grouch rip-off...! Please..... and aren't we supposed to be eight over here??? Stop.....What was with her love of Pinwheel!??! In retrospect I wonder if she ever was like, "REALLY? Goonies...AGAIN????" but that's like.... let's face it..... why I was over there..... This chick had a VCR! She had Goonies on tape....... Euuugh.... USER!!!! I dunno, I was kinda obsessed with that movie though.... Soooo......
You know what else I'm a little obsessed with!? I'll tell ya.... I LOVE a memo from the E.P.... You know, Fez Whatley.... The Big Cat..... Yeah, big memo from the E.P. on Friday and that was a lovely surprise.....I got the message loud an clear..... He has had it with all the adult birthday parties that seem to be taking over everyone's lives......HAD IT!!! What a curmudgeon!
I am not sure what my deal is, but ever since I can recall I have just loved the cranky ones.... So many times you'll here me say, "Oooh my God! Remember that guy?? He was so bitter and angry! Yeah..... He was the best! I loved him!" Ya know, shit like that.... sometimes I mix it up a bit.... but you get the idea...... Bitterness is like the funniest thing in the world to me..fake bitterness.....real bitterness....great shit.... Yeah.... Oh yeah, so I am a fan of the new E.P.'s demeanor....not even that he's actually particularly bitter.....I might have just want to blurt out a musing for no reason..... Ya know..it's more like..."He ain't got time for this shit!" That kinda hard-nosed approach... Fantastic!
I way dying during this part where Fez Whatley was lamenting the adult birthday phenomenon..... nostalgic for the old days..... "Whatever happened to hearty handshakes??! ...Or signing a Chippendales card......or... like I do every year.... gettin drunk and crying......Sometimes it's the simple celebrations that are best....." So true Big Cat, so true.......That's my birthday tradition too!
Ya see...oh and I know that this wouldn't fly on the tight ship that yooou run.....but I like to do the Alice In Wonderland gimmick where I celebrate every day as if it's my birthday... I celebrate my Un-birthday... "A very merry Un-birthday to me, to who?" To me.....yes.... There's the daily singing.... and then the drinking and crying part.....
...but back to this memo..... Why have you stopped CCing Bob Dylan? You hit him with your agenda last time.... You think he's not gonna be lookin forward to another one? Like maybe he doesn't have feelings? He has feelings, Fez.... A genius also has feelings..... Oh....but this just occurred to me.... Did you take him off the mailing list cause you were afraid he'd learn of the Purity Ball that you're gonna hold for Skippi and that he'd promptly do a Theme Time Radio Hour based on uncomfortable and inappropriate ceremonies with cats?? If that's the case.... I think you did the right thing by not including Dylan.... He'll swipe it... He's gonna run outta topics sooner rather than later..... Anyway....... I loved the latest memo from the E.P.... I may have mentioned that... The Big Cat really gave em the what-for....
Oh, I should get goin.... been goin on and on here.... but I did have a quick question! Is David Arquette the most confused person ever??
I mean I like him.... I think he seems like a pretty likable fella..... but.... I have never heard him and have never seen him ever appear like he has the slighest idea what's goin on... Like on TV if he's being interviewed he always kinda scrunches down and his eyes are darting all over the place like, "OK guys let me in on the joke!" Do you know what I mean?? It's like.... OK man...everything's cool.... nobody's gonna jump out and surprise you...
Whatever, I don't even know if that makes any sense there.... Ahh wellll..... so on the phone he sounded straight befuddled when he was talkin bout his own movie.... My favorite part was when Ron was tellin him all about how Ryan Gosling in Lars and The Real Girl has totally stolen the David Arquette act..... and he was like, "OOh man, I'd just love to work with him..." Awww....David Arquette....
You know Ron, ever since you brought that up...that Ryan Gosling is an Arquette imposter.... whenever I see the commercials now, that is ALL that I see! I was thinkin that I wanted to see that film after seeing the commercial a few times and I told Brian..... He was like, "No, listen... You are just gettin sucked in because of that song...." and I was like, "Nahhhh," even though it is true that I dig that song, "Naive Melody;" I love The Talking Heads.....and then Brian yelled, "We're not gonna have another Elizabethtown!" Oooooh... Oh yeah.... See, Elizabethtown had a crazy great trailer with killa music on it..... and also I give Cameron Crowe chances.... but anyway.... like a rube I was hoodwinked into goin to see it cause of the music I guess......thinking it would be pretty enjoyable.... It was not enjoyable, Kirsten Dunst. It was not enjoyable, Orlando Bloom.
So, I watched the trailer for Lars and the Real Girl with the sound down, the next time it came on..... and I think.....he was right..... Well, combined with the knowledge of the Ronnie expose...without the The Talking Heads pumpin, all I could see was a doofy simpleton smile dragging around a doll...... Bah! Well, I still will probably see it, but I'm way behind in my movie watchin so that one is movin to the bottom of the pack.....
Well OK.... I'm gonna really stop rambling now! Sorry to go on and on and on..... Didn't get a chance to do much blog-writing this week.... So I just wanted to yell some stuff at ya real quick cause I'm a sea-monster and I eat kelp three meals a day... :0)
Hope you're having a good weekend....
Signed,
kathleen from the bronx :):):)
I have to tell you something. Lookit me- I am a sea-monster. I eat kelp three meals a day....I didn't know it until Wednesday......
I was not fully aware of this fact until during Wednesday's show, when Ron was talking about some guy who said that he'd been listening to the RnF Show for years and during that time he had related to nothing....to no thing.... Ron announced, "You would have to be a sea-monster to relate to this show.....You'd have to eat kelp three meals a day!"
I am...I do! I relate..... I relate to tons of shit...like...not knowing random facts about rabbits.....like.... wanting to talk about Goonies.......like....screaming, "My sins wake me!! OHhh the cries of the innocent!!!! Lotsa stuff that's brought up everyday....... Maybe you're thinking, "Wow you really have an interesting life!" Yeah....(shrug) Just lucky I guess....
Well, here I am wanting to talk about rabbits again..... Rabbit is the new cat this season?? ....Maybe..... I totally had never heard that cautionary tale about the grave, dire effects that a blow-dryer can inflict upon dear Bunny Hopkins... It got me thinking.... "Would I ever try to blow-dry a rabbit?" I don't think so.....mostly because I don't want to touch a rabbit or have it near me at all in the first place.... but besides that I still don't think that I would. Then again, I really don't know how to take care of pets......I mean, yeah.... I've had my turtle, Felix Unger forever....but let's face it...it's like feeding a shitting rock... Not much to it.
Yeah, my moms wasn't big on animals in the apartment.... We didn't have pets....In fact, I think the general policy was, "Stay away from those filthy animals," or something like that.... I don't know....I get confused after all this time... That might have been policy she held about my upstairs neighbors too.
Anyway Ron and Fez Show, I haven't thought about this in a long, long time... Thanks for bringing up a repressed memory from my childhood of giant rabbit! When I was in 2nd grade, our classroom was right next to the Pre-K, the pre-school's room on the second floor... We were just separated by these French doors with curtains...so sometimes you could catch a glimpse of em running around in there and having fun...art and crafts, and what have ya....You were definitely able to hear them.... laughing, singing songs, shrieking..... It was an early dose of bitterness to be in the second grade next door, knowing the freedom those pre-kindergartners had.... They had no idea what they were in for... in a few short years....They had it good... I'd think begrudgingly, "They have NO IDEA of the spelling that goes on in here..."
I would have been kind of jealous of their never-ending recess of a day......if it wasn't for all the rabbits they had! Sometimes on Fridays our teacher would take our class over to visit the Pre-K....I think it was supposed to be this big-sister kinda thing cause we were each assigned a pre-schooler and we'd have to hang out with them for a while..... That part was fun cause we could paint or whatever......but the part that I had fear and loathing about were the bunnies......
In the Pre-K they had this little pen for these two white bunnies....... the ones that have the red eyes...... Listen, let's pause for a moment to consider why anyone would welcome a red-eyed beast into their lives??? Who the fuck buys a pet with red eyes and believes that they'll ever be able to love it? It has red eyes! Do you know nothing about obvious signs of evil...???? Well, that was one thing..... I didn't like the looks of the red-eyed rabbits.....but at least they were contained!
Whoever that fuckin rabbit-lovin maniac was who ran that establishment, also had this giant rabbit that would just hop around the classroom at will..... like the children would learn by loving exotic animals or some shit ... Have you ever seen these rabbits!!????! They're called, "Flemish Giant Rabbits," and they can get up to twenty pounds..... That's half the size of a kid! These were big, fat rabbits! I had never seen the likes of that!! Some caller called in to say that, "Rabbits are very trainable.." Ron yelled, "Well then get them to pull a wagon!!" Dude.... I think it might only take like three of these giant rabbits to pull a wagon.... I dunno..... BIG! Well....one of em could certainly destroy a radio-flyer with one of it's massive, heavy-weight paws.... That's one thing.
Seemed like everyone was like, "oOOooh! BUNNY!" and wanted to pet it, and hug it, and love it and all that kinda stuff.....I did not want it near me.... I dunno, maybe some of my mother's general dislike and distrust of animals had rubbed off on me... I mean, I could hear her voice saying, "Filthy!" and I know that I also wondered if any of these people were gonna wash their hands after all this petting......but anyway.... I simply wanted no part of that. One time this girl in my class, Kenya, said that the rabbit tried to bite her. Nobody believed her and they acted like she had probably been bothering the rabbit forcing it to lash out...... I mean, Kenya was a rabble-rouser,she was rowdy.... and she was also a scapegoat....cause any time a page was ripped out of a book, or someone wrote, "Fuck," or, "shit," on a bookcase.... everyone generally thought that she was the culprit..... I believed her on this occasion....mostly cause she screamed, "That rabbit tried to bite me!!!" and I thought, "I knew that rabbit was no good." I bet you that rabbit did try to bite her is what I thought then... and I think it now....
OH, you know what else I didn't appreciate? I was not into the fact that this rabbit, "Flopsy," was able to just take rabbit dumps all willy-nilly! Wherever the hell that over-sized rodent felt like it, she'd leave a trail of hideous doo-doo pellets... How is that OK? What kind of environment is that for a child?? Ridiculous...
I just remember having to sit in a circle one day in that classroom while that animal was sniffin around....That's another thing....Stop that nose! Yeah... On some level, even at that young age, I guess that I understood that it wouldn't be socially acceptable to freak out and scream, "GET AWAY FROM ME!!!" at a rabbit....so I didn't.... but I had my eye on that giant rabbit the entire time sitting in that circle....and was sending off vibes to it's rabbity brain, "Don't even do it....don't even come over here...." I just did not trust it...did not know why it was so huge....or freely hopping around....... So OK..... Just thought of that again due to the question that arose, "If dogs and cats were no more, what animal would take their places in petdom," or something like that.... My brain was jostled into remembering that obscenely large rabbits exist in the world.... Maybe back then I would have felt more comfortable around the giant rabbit if I had known what to do if rabbits attacked.... As Ron put it after learning the details, "Helpful hint in case the rabbits take over... I'll have a hose in one hand and a blow-dryer in the other!"
Someone was saying that rabbits don't make any noises... I dunno... I thought that I heard Flopsy growl....or sniff demonically....or something like that .... for real..... Ron said that he's heard bunnies make noises before as well..... "Put a blow torch on a rabbit and that noise will stay with you for a long time.....OOoooh WILL IT!" I laughed and laughed and laughed some more at that!
I'm not tryin to come off like an animal hater again....and again...and...again... I like dogs! I think that I might only like dogs though... Perhaps I only have so much room in my heart for caring for animals..... like maybe it's an Orwellian, "All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others," kinda thing from Animal Farm...Hmm, seems sad... apparently I'm missing out... You should probably feel sorry for me or something now.....awww... Oh, or somebody should get to work on a satirical allegory of how I am like Russian totalitarianism... That would be great..
Oooh anyway, like I said... this all came about because of that question about what pet would take over...... There seemed to be a controversy over whether or not horses could be considered pets...... I mean, I don't think so...... Horses are farm animals..... live in stables....they don't live in the house.....except for Mr. Ed.... At times they'd let that fucker in and you saw what happened.... He never shut-up! Ehhhh...I just don't know... but look, I have already pointed out that I am no expert on pets... Dave said that horses are pets because you name them......Ronnie inquired, ""You can name a boat, does that make it a pet?"
Someday I plan to have a pet yacht.... I will name her, "Miss Adventure," or, "Piece of Ship," or, "Wet Dream!" Hurrr hurrr hurrrr.......... Man, sometimes I really wonder about the names that people give their pet boats... Seriously.... Is it all to be ironic at this point since you know that those lil beauties have been sooo plaaaayed out? Ahhh..... whadda I know anyway??? I'm not so nautical.
I know that Ronnie B. was just a-song-quotin up a storm on Friday's show.... I love random song quotage in the middle of a discussion for no apparent reason! It makes me feel SO smart when I recognize; that's one reason.......There was, " Out of the blue and into the black....You pay for this, but they give you that...." Neil Young....Yay! OOoh my favorite thing was when Ronnie was actin like Neil Young has the voice of an old woman, "OOooooh I just baked you kids a pie!" and then also, also when he said, "I'd never get on a plane with him.... Muthafucka would strap on a bomb for the glory of Canada,"....and yet..... Ronnie added, "God Bless your sick, twisted Canadian heart Neal.... I love ya!" Yeah....good ole Neil... Anyway, there were more quotes..... "A chair is still a chair, even when there's no one sittin' there...but a chair is not a house and a house is not a home...." Luther Vandross... Crazy! And then there was, "And the pony she named Wildfire busted down its stall.....In a blizzard he was lost.....She ran calling Wildfiiiire!!!" ....Michael Martin Murphy??? Why.... WHY!!????!!!! Oh yeah.... we were talkin about horses..... Ooh I cackled... that Ron B. would sing that ditty...... Kind of inspiring really....
Speaking of pets... I was thinkin about something..... Well, I know its kind of late, I hope I didn't wake you....But what I got to say can't wait......I know you'd understand....cause every time I tried to tell you, the words just came out wrong....So I'll have to say , "I love when Ron calls up Fez's answering machine and meows to drive Skippy insane," in a blooooog........ You all remember that ole Jim Croce song, don'tchez?? See I can throw lyrics around too.... Heh..?? No, mine suck... You are right.
I just didn't wanna be all laughing and pointing, "HAH! FEZ!!! You have to come home to rolls of paper towels ripped to shreds all over your apartment... and toppled furniture!!!" after Skippi hears the meoooowing messages that Ron leaves.... Every time I tried to tell you Fez, that it cracked me the fuck up, the words just came out wrong and I seemed as though I was heartless and cruel to your tribulations....... oooh but I LOVE IT! On both Wednesday's and Friday's shows.... mid conversation...outta nowhere.... I heard a Ronnie, "Meeeeeeeow, RAOOOW! RAAAOOOOOW!" and then heard Fezzie freak, "What are you doing???!!! Are you calling my cat???!!!" Ahhhhhhh........ hilarious..... :0) Ohh I love cat-calls with Ronnie B.! Be ready for a coded message here: !!!ynnuf ooooooS....tac eht gnillac peeK
Reminds me that Brian and his moms would always call to leave messages on the machine for his grandma's dog, Nicky when Nanny was out at whatever club for seniors....... She'd always call back like, "What are you doin gettin my Nicodemus all riled up!!? My house is a MESS!!!" OOohhh... she'd be pissed... She'd scream, "I'm havin a bird!!!!" cause that was the same thing as a conniption I guess....... Heh, heh..........She named her pets Bible names.....
One thing real quick- That Nicodemos is a real adorable pooch, but he's GOOOFY..... Nuthin about that puppy said that he shoulda been let anywhere near Jesus.. C'mon lady!
OOoh before I stop talkin about pets and animals and everything..... I just gotta tell you this real quick! My favorite new saying was born on Wednesday when Ronnie exclaimed, "Let it flow, brother!! You're a mammal!!!" I know it was in reference to bangin'..or..."gettin yer freak on," as some might say.....but I firmly believe that the phrase would prove encouraging and useful for any plethora of situations..... Like in a, "Hey do what you want, it's your life," kinda way...... "Hey! Let it flow brother! YOU are a mammal!" That shit's the best....... Consider it stolen......
Ah, sorry I'm all jumpin around here throwin in Wednesday goodnesses in along with Friday's show's plenty...... It's like I gobbled up days of funny shows and am now puking it all up and makin ya look at it.... "Bllllahhh!!! Blarg!! Remember this funny thing? Glurg! Splat!" Yeah... I know........sick and rambling....
Oh! Hey, so is Board Gossip's new format all group conference style? I was diggin it.... Yeah... that's how that pet question came up..... as did the news about a possible Goonies 2! I think yez said that if there is to be a Goonies 2, it will be the film with the longest number of years between sequels......from 1985 until whenever the new one shows up...... Hmmmm...... Ohhh I loved Goonies! However, like the rest of the planet...I feel like I've had sufficient Corey Feldman exposure already! I mean, every time I turn on VH1 I seem him behind the 80's or whatever..... Ok! OK! We know what you've been up to since you were a child star....Michael Jackson...you wore a glove...blah, blah, blah...... ENOUGH!
So, the thought of him comin back as a grown-up, "Mouth," isn't like....so tantalizing...... Anyway, Goonies 2 would be so like how you guys said it would go..... They're all adults with kids of their own who were just like them when they were younger... all that shit. I totally envision that the opening scenes would be comprised of the grown-up Goonies running down driveways with their kids backpacks....Ohh hurry, hurrry.... and don't forget that tonight we have the girl daughter's recital and then there's boy child's little league......They have a frantic schedules, they do!
OOooh grown-up Goonines in the modern world! What will it take for you guys to be able to return to, "more simple times??" Hmmm.... maybe their kids will finally stumble upon a hidden treasure map so that they can, one and all, connect as families again...and run from a scary, scary family of freaks and Joe Pantoliano...... All tryin to get to One Eyed Willy's treasure.....Yeah, nice pirate name by the way.... Come on!!!
Even after all my gripes there, I think I might take a peek at a Goonies sequel...... I sure did love The Goonies..... As a matter of fact....that was one of the rare movies that I saw in the theater as a kid...Saw it on 86th street...
We didn't have a VCR till way late either..like one of those deals where EVERYONE did except for us...... When I was like eight, I used to go over to this Margaret's house all the time, and she'd be like, "So what do you want to do???" and I'd say...."Hmmm... we should watch Goonies!" I mean... like... EVERY TIME.... Maybe I'd look at her like she was nuts for even asking.... "This is what we do here, we watch Goonies"...... Possibly it was an early example of O.C.D., everything has to be the same ever time kinda bullshit..... or.... there's a chance that I didn't want to sit through another mind-numbing episode of Pinwheel on Nickelodeon again? What was her love of that show!? It went on and on....never ending..... and there was an all-green guy with a hostile attitude that was such an Oscar the Grouch rip-off...! Please..... and aren't we supposed to be eight over here??? Stop.....What was with her love of Pinwheel!??! In retrospect I wonder if she ever was like, "REALLY? Goonies...AGAIN????" but that's like.... let's face it..... why I was over there..... This chick had a VCR! She had Goonies on tape....... Euuugh.... USER!!!! I dunno, I was kinda obsessed with that movie though.... Soooo......
You know what else I'm a little obsessed with!? I'll tell ya.... I LOVE a memo from the E.P.... You know, Fez Whatley.... The Big Cat..... Yeah, big memo from the E.P. on Friday and that was a lovely surprise.....I got the message loud an clear..... He has had it with all the adult birthday parties that seem to be taking over everyone's lives......HAD IT!!! What a curmudgeon!
I am not sure what my deal is, but ever since I can recall I have just loved the cranky ones.... So many times you'll here me say, "Oooh my God! Remember that guy?? He was so bitter and angry! Yeah..... He was the best! I loved him!" Ya know, shit like that.... sometimes I mix it up a bit.... but you get the idea...... Bitterness is like the funniest thing in the world to me..fake bitterness.....real bitterness....great shit.... Yeah.... Oh yeah, so I am a fan of the new E.P.'s demeanor....not even that he's actually particularly bitter.....I might have just want to blurt out a musing for no reason..... Ya know..it's more like..."He ain't got time for this shit!" That kinda hard-nosed approach... Fantastic!
I way dying during this part where Fez Whatley was lamenting the adult birthday phenomenon..... nostalgic for the old days..... "Whatever happened to hearty handshakes??! ...Or signing a Chippendales card......or... like I do every year.... gettin drunk and crying......Sometimes it's the simple celebrations that are best....." So true Big Cat, so true.......That's my birthday tradition too!
Ya see...oh and I know that this wouldn't fly on the tight ship that yooou run.....but I like to do the Alice In Wonderland gimmick where I celebrate every day as if it's my birthday... I celebrate my Un-birthday... "A very merry Un-birthday to me, to who?" To me.....yes.... There's the daily singing.... and then the drinking and crying part.....
...but back to this memo..... Why have you stopped CCing Bob Dylan? You hit him with your agenda last time.... You think he's not gonna be lookin forward to another one? Like maybe he doesn't have feelings? He has feelings, Fez.... A genius also has feelings..... Oh....but this just occurred to me.... Did you take him off the mailing list cause you were afraid he'd learn of the Purity Ball that you're gonna hold for Skippi and that he'd promptly do a Theme Time Radio Hour based on uncomfortable and inappropriate ceremonies with cats?? If that's the case.... I think you did the right thing by not including Dylan.... He'll swipe it... He's gonna run outta topics sooner rather than later..... Anyway....... I loved the latest memo from the E.P.... I may have mentioned that... The Big Cat really gave em the what-for....
Oh, I should get goin.... been goin on and on here.... but I did have a quick question! Is David Arquette the most confused person ever??
I mean I like him.... I think he seems like a pretty likable fella..... but.... I have never heard him and have never seen him ever appear like he has the slighest idea what's goin on... Like on TV if he's being interviewed he always kinda scrunches down and his eyes are darting all over the place like, "OK guys let me in on the joke!" Do you know what I mean?? It's like.... OK man...everything's cool.... nobody's gonna jump out and surprise you...
Whatever, I don't even know if that makes any sense there.... Ahh wellll..... so on the phone he sounded straight befuddled when he was talkin bout his own movie.... My favorite part was when Ron was tellin him all about how Ryan Gosling in Lars and The Real Girl has totally stolen the David Arquette act..... and he was like, "OOh man, I'd just love to work with him..." Awww....David Arquette....
You know Ron, ever since you brought that up...that Ryan Gosling is an Arquette imposter.... whenever I see the commercials now, that is ALL that I see! I was thinkin that I wanted to see that film after seeing the commercial a few times and I told Brian..... He was like, "No, listen... You are just gettin sucked in because of that song...." and I was like, "Nahhhh," even though it is true that I dig that song, "Naive Melody;" I love The Talking Heads.....and then Brian yelled, "We're not gonna have another Elizabethtown!" Oooooh... Oh yeah.... See, Elizabethtown had a crazy great trailer with killa music on it..... and also I give Cameron Crowe chances.... but anyway.... like a rube I was hoodwinked into goin to see it cause of the music I guess......thinking it would be pretty enjoyable.... It was not enjoyable, Kirsten Dunst. It was not enjoyable, Orlando Bloom.
So, I watched the trailer for Lars and the Real Girl with the sound down, the next time it came on..... and I think.....he was right..... Well, combined with the knowledge of the Ronnie expose...without the The Talking Heads pumpin, all I could see was a doofy simpleton smile dragging around a doll...... Bah! Well, I still will probably see it, but I'm way behind in my movie watchin so that one is movin to the bottom of the pack.....
Well OK.... I'm gonna really stop rambling now! Sorry to go on and on and on..... Didn't get a chance to do much blog-writing this week.... So I just wanted to yell some stuff at ya real quick cause I'm a sea-monster and I eat kelp three meals a day... :0)
Hope you're having a good weekend....
Signed,
kathleen from the bronx :):):)