My pussy needs to get eaten!

[Yerdaddy]

I’ve got a kitten. It came with my apartment. I don’t know how old it is but it’s about the size of two fists. I hate it. Don’t get me wrong. I love cats. I’m a “cat person.” But this thing is driving me up a fucking wall and I need some advice on what to do about all the twisted ways this sonofabitch has to make me miserable.

For starters It’s got to be on me every second I’m home. I can’t walk anywhere without it running under my feet. Always. I have to slide everywhere to keep from stepping on it and breaking its little legs. I tried putting it on my shoulder when I walked anywhere – it’s out of danger and I can actually pick my feet up off the floor. - until it decided to ride on my head, using it’s claws to hold on! If I’m standing in the kitchen it climbs up my pant legs – even if I’m not wearing pants. When I sit on the couch it’s on me attacking my arms and hands. I can’t pet it or it bites and claws the fuck out of me, which is extra miserable because I’m in a Dengue Fever area and I can’t leave the house without bathing in Deet and Deet and cat scratches go together like stab wounds and battery acid. Eventually the cat will settle down for short periods if I ignore its attacks. But I can’t fucking move or I’ll be sorry. If I reach for the remote it attacks my arm. If I smoke it wants to play with the shiny red toy in my fingers. If I take a drink it’s clawing its way up my arm to get its head in my Ovaltine. If I sit still it might chill out but then it’s digging it’s claws into my flesh for no goddamn reason. I can’t lock it in a room because it screams like I’m holding it’s legs in the blender and it never ever stops until I let it out.

I’ve got tile floors and there’s bits of string and cardboard boxes and other shit for it to play with. It never does. It only wants to claw me constantly. I can’t get it de-clawed because if it ever gets out of the apartment it will be defenseless against some vicious street cats and dogs and children and restaurateurs. I’ve got a friend to take the little cocksucker but that won’t be until she moves into her new place after Christmas. I’ve been in this apartment two days and I want to kill this thing. Tonight I was sitting frozen on the couch while the kitten is sharpening it’s claws on my chest, unable to move for fear of having teeth added to the weaponry, and I’m watching “Saw” for the first time and thinking: “I don’t get this movie. You’re locked in a room and you have to saw your foot off to save your family? Waah!. You’ve got to climb through razor wire to stay alive? Boo fucking hoo! TRY LIVING WITH A KITTEN YOU FUCKING PANSIES! I WISH SOMEBODY WOULD PUT A BEAR TRAP ON MY FACE!

OK, so what can I do to keep from handing this thing over to the corner noodle shop? Save this kitten because it’s fourth down and time to punt! What can I do?

[sailor]

sounds seriously adorable. try getting another kitten. i've always thought it a bit unfair to just have one. they would keep each other from becoming lonely when you're out and would expend so much excess energy playing with each other. and de-clawing is seriously cruel, good job not going that route.

[Chainsaw]

this thread is worthless without pics

[RoseBlood]

Is it wrong I laughed while reading your entire post?

http://www.jonathanrichter.com/stoopid/annoyingcat.jpg

[Crispy123]

Is this Fez???

[A.J.]

"Hyperactive pet? Have your pet spayed or neutered."

http://i.imdb.com/Photos/Events/5667/BobBarker_Phill_12294026_400.jpg

[Marc with a c]

i'd eat your pussy.

[Dougie Brootal]

Is it wrong I laughed while reading your entire post?

http://www.jonathanrichter.com/stoopid/annoyingcat.jpg

hahahaha ditto!

[Yerdaddy]

"Hyperactive pet? Have your pet spayed or neutered."

http://i.imdb.com/Photos/Events/5667/BobBarker_Phill_12294026_400.jpg

I may do that, and if I do it won't be for pet control reasons. It would just be payback.

[Midkiff]

aw yeah eat that pussy

[Yerdaddy]

aw yeah eat that pussy

Well there it is. Problem solved! Honestly I don't know why we still haven't admitted the inevitible - that Midkiff IS the new Oracle!

[Midkiff]

Well there it is. Problem solved! Honestly I don't know why we still haven't admitted the inevitible - that Midkiff IS the new Oracle!

Well, I do speak the truth and offer good advice to all my buddays.

[Dougie Brootal]

Well, I do speak the truth and offer good advice to all my buddays.


come up with a new joke you fuckin unoriginal bastard


I'LL SAY!!! HAHAHAHA!!

[Midkiff]

I'LL SAY!!! HAHAHAHA!!

Honor the oracle!!!!!

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/179/418772720_36b9a218d6.jpg

[Yerdaddy]

Here's the fuzzy little antichrist climbing me. Fortunately I was clothed that time!

http://photos-365.ll.facebook.com/photos-ll-sctm/v154/46/118/872910365/n872910365_1610577_1488.jpg

Here's the sadistic motherfucker getting ready to treat my camera chord exactly like the hand that feeds him. For now.

http://photos-365.ll.facebook.com/photos-ll-sctm/v154/46/118/872910365/n872910365_1610578_1799.jpg

I've tentatively named him "El Diablo" because it sounds better than the Arabic "Al Shaitan". I'll ask around for the Khmer version of what I'm convinced he truly is - THE FUCKING DEVIL, MAN! Anyone else got a better name for the most evil living creature on earth let me know.

[Yerdaddy]

Is it wrong I laughed while reading your entire post?

http://www.jonathanrichter.com/stoopid/annoyingcat.jpg

Yes.

i'd eat your pussy.

Yes.

[oh_kee_pa]

ok, i didnt realize that kittens were part of apartment packages... how does that conversation go...

and of course heat and electric are included... heres a bathroom, nice size, there's the litter box
wait, litter box?
yea, for hte kitten that comes w/ the apartment...

also, i have a cat just like that, sometimes its cool, sometimes it sucks, but enjoy it for what its worth because cats usually dont go around people often

[A.J.]

Here's the fuzzy little antichrist climbing me. Fortunately I was clothed that time!

And it looks like it wasn't a man-skirt either!

[IamPixie]

Here's the fuzzy little antichrist climbing me. Fortunately I was clothed that time!

http://photos-365.ll.facebook.com/photos-ll-sctm/v154/46/118/872910365/n872910365_1610577_1488.jpg

Here's the sadistic motherfucker getting ready to treat my camera chord exactly like the hand that feeds him. For now.

http://photos-365.ll.facebook.com/photos-ll-sctm/v154/46/118/872910365/n872910365_1610578_1799.jpg

I've tentatively named him "El Diablo" because it sounds better than the Arabic "Al Shaitan". I'll ask around for the Khmer version of what I'm convinced he truly is - THE FUCKING DEVIL, MAN! Anyone else got a better name for the most evil living creature on earth let me know.

Satan is cute as a button! You should name him Lucifer.

[drjoek]

That is one charmin Motherfuckin cat

[hunnerbun]

If it is at all possible and you can hold him still for a few minutes try clipping his nails with a regular nail clipper. My sister does this with her cats and it really makes a difference.
Just looking at those things makes me know exactly what they feel like...holy shit they look sharp!

[Yerdaddy]

And it looks like it wasn't a man-skirt either!

If any pussy tries to get in my man-skirt it's getting bashed by my purse!

[Yerdaddy]

ok, i didnt realize that kittens were part of apartment packages... how does that conversation go...

and of course heat and electric are included... heres a bathroom, nice size, there's the litter box
wait, litter box?
yea, for hte kitten that comes w/ the apartment...

also, i have a cat just like that, sometimes its cool, sometimes it sucks, but enjoy it for what its worth because cats usually dont go around people often

In this part of the world a cat with an apartment is like stocking the fridge for your new tenant.

[Yerdaddy]

If it is at all possible and you can hold him still for a few minutes try clipping his nails with a regular nail clipper. My sister does this with her cats and it really makes a difference.
Just looking at those things makes me know exactly what they feel like...holy shit they look sharp!

The trick would be to clip all 20 before I ran out of blood and passed out.

I was told by the guy who lived there before me that the cat wouldn't go downstairs onto the street if I let it out on the patio - I have the most treacherous stairs I've ever seen. But when I let him out the first time he was downstairs before I could kick him downstairs and trying to get out the gate to check out the snarling street dogs biting children just outside. I don't think I want to leave him defenseless in case he does get out. Not because I don't fucking hate him more than global poverty, but the reason I can't get rid of him is that a friend is moving into a new apartment after christmas and she insisted I keep him until she can take him when she moves in. So I want to make sure he's healthy and razor-taloned so she'll know what it's like to be bleeding from every apendage like have. I might even put catnip on different parts of my body for the 12 days of Christmas.

[buzzard]

poor lil thing is lonely,get it a friend perhaps a bird:lol:

[Yerdaddy]

poor lil thing is lonely,get it a friend perhaps a bird:lol:

NOW I'm starting to get some useful advice! Thank you!

http://www.fredmiranda.com/hosting-data/500/131658eagle_fishing.jpg

[buzzard]

or perhaps it needs a family member?

http://i192.photobucket.com/albums/z82/a1958wil/cougar.gif


just sayin:unsure:

[Fallon]

My sister got another kitten for her kids, which means like their rabbit and other cat they are always downstairs in my apartment to take care of.

The kitten is adorable, but needy as fuck. I can't have it in my bedroom because it climbs behind my HDTV and I'm afraid it will knock it over. So if I'm the only one home and I don't let it in my room it won't shut the fuck up. It'll sit at the door and cry all day.

Luckily I can send it back upstairs for them to deal with, but it's annoying as shit.

[Marc with a c]

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[Bulldogcakes]

sounds seriously adorable. try getting another kitten. i've always thought it a bit unfair to just have one. they would keep each other from becoming lonely when you're out and would expend so much excess energy playing with each other. and de-clawing is seriously cruel, good job not going that route.

As insane as it sounds, he's absolutely right. 2 pets are less work than one. One wants all your attention, wants to play with you, etc. When they have a buddy they can keep each other busy.

Get another one. That kitty needs a litter mate.

BTW-You can name it "Yer-kitty"

[Andomray]

The thing that always worked when we had cats like this is to bite its ear when it bites you. Not too hard, but hold those talons down when you do it.

One of the following will happen if you do this:

http://home.earthlink.net/~coreygoldberg/lastrights/propbuild/face2.jpg

or

http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2007/02/1168705855-betab.jpg

[silera]

Maybe you should bring your pussy to Bar 9 on December 7. I heard there will be lots of pussy eating and it already smells like cat piss.

Win.

Win.