Kathleen From The Bronx
11-04-2007, 02:41 PM
Dear Ron and Fez Shooow,
Hey what's up...... You know, you guys had like three Friday shows in a row.... Three days in a row you had me feeling like it was Friday......It wasn't Friday! Except for the last day....cause that time it really was Friday.... Man, Wednesday's and Thursday's were fun, fun, Friday-like shows..... You know what I'm sayin...these great Noon-3's in the East that we share are always fun times for the ole gal...just sayin... but there was mad extra insane, funny shit like a Friday. You know...like cross-dressing and booze.... So, I extra dug.....Just so you realize, I experienced some really violent laughs... so hard that it gets a little bit scary like I might not be able to stop....so there was a little panic involved.... It was a panic.
On the Halloween show, Ronnie pointed out that, "most guys on the show are cross-dressers.." See, I was not aware of this! Did you guys announce that it was gonna be a Gal-o-ween Halloween this year....or was this a complete radio-surprise..... Hmmm..... I don't remember.... Well, I'll tell you pals what... I certainly was surprised........Surprised and revolted! I didn't have Paltalk this day, and the descriptions that Ronnie gave of the boys in dresses made me feel like maybe that fact was a blessing.... Oooof-ah!
This Halloween E.S.D. apparently went back to those storied childhood days in which his mother would dress him up like a little girl.."Lil Ruby." Dave called out happily, "I feel like an adult Ruby.....You can call me A.R.!" Fez Whatley, The Man Behind the Glass (dressed as a woman) said, "Yeah Ruby grew up and went to Whoreville." OOh The Man Behind the Glass!!! He's KILLIN......
Ron said to Fez, "You think that behind that glass you cannot be touched by society's rules!"
As Fezzie kept his wicked barbs and wise-cracking up all show, Ron shortened his reaction to yelling, "The man behind the glass!" each time......the way in which one might yell "Strikes AGAIN!" about a villain...... Ron added, "There's Nothing Meaner than the Man Behind the Glass.... That's the name of the horror movie I'm makin.." That's one horror show I'd see... cause The Man Behind The Glass was en fuego..... I tell you......
Anyway, back to the Gal-o-ween horror show.... Dave, Adult Ruby......Ronnie offered that he reallly seemed to look like someone he knew....or had know... whooo..??? He suggested, "Elliot Offen?" but later also told E.S.D. in drag, "I really enjoyed your movie from a couple of years ago.... Monster...... You're like Aileen Wuornos....AFTER she let herself go!!!" .....Pretty! Let me be the millionth person to yell, "YIIIIIIIKES!!!" all after the fact.... but damn!
Oh, here is another reason I was thankfully enjoying all the shenanigans in the theater of the minnnnnd, rather than on a live video in front of my face...... Without the readily available images, I could block out the ideas of some of what went down..... go to the safe and happy place.....obstruct the troubling images and thoughts....hum a merry tune.....
WHY did Dave keep showing his thong!!!? Heavens to Betsey, people..... That's so ill....... Ron yelled, "You got the brain of a two year old and the balls of an 80 year old Jew!!!" Oh my God......... so gross.... so hilarious...and also with disgust he informed us..... "Ack! AW! His labia's out! Oh God.... It's out again.... The tininess is out again!" I was just rolling laughin at that joint.... without havin to see......that...joint....
Pitzy......Pitzy looked like, "A middle aged woman from Long Island..."according to Ron...I instantly envisioned Mary Jo Buttafucco...and thought, "That God-damned Amy Fisher.." and then kept listening to the depiction of the horrifying scene...
Ron, in a deeply disgusted tone informed the lad, "You're a MINF.... Mother I'd Never Fuck!" Ron also later added that Pitzy was also known as, "Curves in all the wrong places...." The intern,Groz...or K-Rob.... or Bob-Bob....didn't fare much better in the lookin-good department..... Ronnie interpreted the look by describing it as a, "I've-got-to-take-my-cousin-to-the-prom-and-then-I gotta-blow-him..."
Ron said that Earl looked like, "Black Carol Channing." That made me snort-laugh, and that wasn't cute! Ohh, neither is Black Carol Channing........ Actually, Ronnie also did say that Earl had a bit of a Tina Turner look...... Earl chimed in, "Everyone has a little Tina in them!" Ron pointed out, "Yeah, well I got A LOT of Ike in me, so I'll slap you around and take your money." The craziest thing to hear though, was when Ron commented about Earl's get-up, "I hate to say it, he's the first fuckable one yet!" Tsk, now that's a shame.... and then there was Fezzie....
Fezzie dressed up as Marilyn Monroe.....That mental picture was just precious! Ron asserted that The Big Cat actually looked more like Linda Tripp.... Fezzie shrieked indignantly, "NO! I worked really hard on this!!!" to which Ron gravely responded, "Well I have to tell ya.......You couldn't look WORSE!" Ronnie described Marilyn as lookin like a psycho nurse, or some character outta John Water's Pink Flamingos: The Fat Years..... As the taunting continued, Fezzie yelled, "This all hurts and I'm taking it to therapy!!!" Fez also defiantly countered, "The only crime I've committed is wearing white after Labor Day!" Nooooo... many crimes were committed on this day........ Sometimes crimes are like the funniest though, am I right? Yeah....
Take this atrocity for example..... Late in the show when things were at their nuttiest, Marilyn Fezzie suddenly transformed into Anna Nicole...... Ron said, "The Last Days of Anna Nicole Smith," version...... Fezzie's screamin, "My baby! My Baby!" thinking Babylove was the baby she'd had six months ago....."Is that my Baby? That's my Baby!!! From six months ago??!!" and yellin shit about wanting to be buried in The Bahamas with her dead son..... Madness..... "Trimspa baby!!!" Just pandemonium.....
How disturbing is it that Earl and Fezzie went dress shopping for their outfits together, then went for a little lunch!? Eeeesh...like a regular, "girls-day out," together...... Fezzie told us how when they were trying on their gowns Earl would act out this scene, "Mom, Dad....I have something to tell you...." as if he was comin out to them in a dress......and it seemed way too eerily natural.... as if he had been practicing that very moment in the mirror for years..... Wow. Earl was tryin to explain himself... He began to speak, trailing off, "I'm not verrrry........" "STRAIGHT??!" Ron yelled....
Not very straight....not very sane.... Other proof of the day's insanity was Dave's ranting "Gay Sean Connery," impression of Hosp.... Ron declared it, ""The worst impression in the history of life!" It was really hilarious.... and so, so senseless! It might be some kind of crime to ridicule a man with such wise taste in sandwiches...... Wow, anyway... that was crazy... Crazy as when Dave said that his REAL costume for Halloween was gonna be Jonathan Winters....
Repeatedly Ron could be heard to utter....."This......is.....sad," and.... "This is sick!" ...and.... "What a hideous group.....What a hideous group..."
Here's the thing... I have already brought to your attention the fact that I saw none of this go down on Paltalk........ again I will say it was all theater of my minnnnnd for me this day....... and even that certainly was a fright....welll always... but extra this time...... AND NOW....after having seen the pictures up on ronfez.net, I have to yelp at you...."My God......It was even more awful than I ever could have imagined!!!"
I think that that group may have been the worst lookin assemblage of women I have ever seen.....and I've been to bus stations! I have never seen the likes of em...... except Pitzy did remind me of this woman on the local news here..... She used to be, "this investigative reporter," ....but now they're sending her out on stories about whether or not area restaurants are switching out cheaper fish for grouper and red snapper.......... So ya know, things don't seem to be going her way.
Speaking of, "What a hideous group....what a hideous group," let's hear it for The Westboro Baptist Church!!! On Thursday's show yez had on Shirley Phelps-Roper..... the day after that verdict came down against them ordering them to pay $11 million.... holding them liable for invasion of privacy and intent to inflict emotional distress with their picketing of a private funeral for a Marine killed in Iraq.... Nothing gets that sunbeam Shirl down though! It's lucky that she is the spiritual adviser to The Ron and Fez Show....
Ronnie started off the interview by saying that is must be a rough day for Shirley and the fam......"NO!" she barked.... "Don't you understand hon... this is a GOOD thing..."
I would have been surprised at her reaction until I remembered, "Oh yeah, she's crazy."
I forgot that her family is the only one that is going to Heaven.... so it's all good news no matter what for the Phelps-Ropers.....I guess... Though she claimed that the verdict was actually a godsend.... She DID seem a bit more irritable than usual.....
I dunno why she felt the need to call Ron, "Dummy!" like his name was Lamont Sanford......
You guys are the best at talking to that nut....cause Ron will act like, "Yes, yes... I understand now," and the next comment will be like completely the opposite of what Shirl's throwin down...... I'm sayin sometimes she has more patience.... but on Thursday she was a bit curt at times! I was like.... "I know you just were blessed with an $11 million fine... but that doesn't give you the right to be so snippy!"
When I first learned about this awful family, I used to get so PISSED at them...like I could hardly stand to hear it..... I can't stand that Shirley Phelps-Roper almost as much as I have disdain for that little trick-or-treating girl who yelled at Fez when he opened his door, "Your house STINKS!!" From now on I shall refer to that little creep of a girl as, "Young Shirley."
.........Anyway.....while of course, Shirley Phelps-Roper's insane homophobia and peculiar beliefs and cruel acts are as just as reprehensible now, or worse, as the day I first heard of them...it's so interesting to hear her madness and Bible quote-laden diatribes amid corny sayings and calling people, "Polly Prissy-pants....." or yelling, "How about a nice frothy mug of SHUT THE HELL UP!!?! Ron whispered... "There's no such drink...." HAH!
Whew.. this broad is priceless! It's so nutty to me..... that as she knows just the right Bible passage to reference to insanely support whatever hateful thing...and then..... she takes the time to borrow from pop culture?? Like, at one point she heard somebody, somewhere wise-crack, "How bout a frothy mug of shut the hell up!??!" and she's like...."Oooh I'm gonna save that one and use it sometime," cause it amused her?? Hmmm..... where does she file that away in the ole memory bank?? Is it in a manila folder in her mind right next to the file marked, "Why God says to hate gays??" Mysterious.....
Shirl was talking about, "God's laws," for marriage... and Ron remarked, "Well.... doesn't that seem kind of dull?" Shirley snarled back, "Only for a DUMB ASS!" Ron dryly muttered, "Ouch..... you got me...." Then he questioned her on what God dictated about fantasizing while married... Shirley repeatedly bellowed, "I don't want to know your nonsense! I don't want to know your nonsense!!! I don't know what goes on in your dark, evil heart!!!" Ron mused, "Ahhh.... That's a book in itself, Shirley...."
These interviews with Shirley Phelps Roper are such a bizarre dichotomy.... Here's this awful shrew of a lunatic, and yet the conversations make me laugh so hard due to the RnF commentary........ Strange.... strange..... Like I definitely cackled when Ronnie told Shirley, "You're like the Christian Partridge Family!" and then later when he confessed, "I want to be her Ruben Kincade!!! How can I get her to understand that???" I was thinking.... "Holy shit.... Would that be the best!?!"
Oh... hold on.... wait a second..... See, I get carried away....!
So there was Shirley Phelps-Roper..... and it was also Dave's big 30th birthday! WOOOOO!!! That was cool of you guys to hook him up with the Jameson.... I have never heard someone get so instantly drunk in my life after one shot, like Dave does....... not even toddlers! It's amazing.... and it always makes for entertaining antics.......
Here's a question that plagued my mind the other night as I struggled to sleep....How is it that Dave can get no lyrics right....ever....ever, ever...... not even his, "favorite song," If I Should Fall from Grace With God.......which does NOT contain the lyrics, "When I get out on the slim....hmmmm....hmmmm... YEAH!" .............and yet....... he sung the opening theme for Dog The Bounty Hunter perfectly......... What goes on?? It's baffling!
As the drinking continued, so did the delirium... Dave was a bit despondent because that morning Slash had been in the studio with Oooooo and AAaaaaaa.... and Dave felt as though Roland had "cock-blocked," him from gettin an autograph.... on his birthday.....knowing that Guns N' Roses is his favorite band..... As the drinks kept flowing, so did Dave's bitter lamenting.....
ESD grumbled on about how he had been stabbed in the back by O&A and Roland.... Ron attempted to comfort Dave by adding, "Yeah you got fucked by O&A pretty good, huh...." Dave cried out, "They put their big, fat Long Island cocks in my ASS!!" Fez added.... "Luckyyyyy....." Dave went on to gripe, "Misteh B.... if there is one thing that I don't like..... it's double penetration... and not gettin Slash's autograph! Oh... that's two things..."
Eventually Dave focused his scorn on Opie and Roland noting that, "That man...Anthony.... He's a SAINT! He's a saint like Saint Francis of Assisi...." (pronouncing Assisi like "Uh-sissy"....which is the same way that my moms says it.....which I had to break myself of the habit when I was in school cause in my religion class in Kindergarten these two girls laughed at me for sayin his name like that...anywhooo)... Dave screamed, "I'd let St. Francis of Assisi piss in my mouth!!!" I can guarantee is the only time that I've ever heard that announced......
A bewildered Fezzielou asked, "You'd....let...? What???" Ron questioned, " Cause he was nice to animals... Is that the only reason???" AS IF that would be something that Saint Francis would be into.... The mind reels...... Anyway, Anthony Cumia was immune to Dave's wrath.....but Roland wasn't....
Dave treated us to day-two of impressionist's corner and launched into a string of crazy statements in a Roland voice....For example, there was, "Hi, I'm Roland, I look like an ewok....but without the great hair!" Just like the Gay Sean Connery voice from the day before, almost every line started off with Dave saying the name of the person he was mimicking every time.....and it was just killin me I tell yez..... Madman!
Dave was pretty beside himself.... he got into a fevered pitch at times.....with his no-Slash-autograph-having disappointment.... and then there was this new gimmick of becoming crazy protective over Ron and Fezzie....... Earl said something in disagreement with Fez and Dave just started screaming at Earl, "Don't call Fez Whatley a LIAR!!! Not in front of our God-damned guest!!!" Later Danny from O&A called in....to basically taunt Dave..... Seemed like he was gonna offer Dave his Slash-signed guitar..... but did the routine of, "I'll take a picture of myself with the guitar, and send it to you...... At one point Danny made some joke to Ron about his winning personality.... and Dave when ape-shit yelling, "You DO NOT disrespect Ron Bennington!!!!!!!!! You DO NOT!!!!!!!!" like a berserk redheaded pit bull....
That whole exchange got Davey Mac even more riled...... Ron suggested, "You ought to walk right out.....You should quit!! That'd show em!!!"
Sooo.... it was the best......and after hearing Dave drunkenly rant and rave all show..... and calling out the O&A show and Roland.... that he actually DID get himself an autographed copy of Slash's book for his big 30th birthday was so funny........
He seemed really surprised; if his screams of happiness were to be any proof..... It occurred to me as I heard the screams...the hideous screams.... that Dave's screams of joy sound exactly the same as the pouring-hot-sauce-down-the-ass screams..... Yeah.... and I laugh just as hard...
The Drinking continued on Friday's show..... cause some Jameson remained..... Dave told how the day before he had fallen asleep on his plate of mozzarella sticks at this one bar.... and was telling yez RnF that he planned to go back to the same establishment after the show.... Ron shouted, "You don't go BACK to a place where you've embarrassed yourself!! You are bottomless.....You are like one of those bottom of the sea spots that we have yet to discover despite all our technology!!!" Dave seemed to agree...and likened his having no rock-bottom to some endless pit from Star Wars...The Sarlacc Pit?? ....Or the did he mean the bottomless pit known as George Lucas' greeeeeed??? Heh... heh....heeeeeh.... Nah I'm jus kiddin about that George Lucas part... Heeey, good for you George Lucas, you and ya crazy ass....
Ron went on to remind Earl that, "The Irish are the lowest white people we have...." That ain't news to me.... I lived with em...."My family," is how they like me to refer to 'em.... OH, and then Ronnie sang that aule song, "Weeeeee'lll be shittin and fuckin and fightin and pisssin...and shittin and fuckin and fightin and pissin......."
Ahhh... I love it when Ronnie sings.....especially when it's a beloved song of me childhood.... I can remember my sweet saint of a mother singing that lullaby to me at me bedside as I was drifting off to sleep..... to the sounds of breaking bottles and furniture...and screams of, "I'll show YOOOUUUUU!" Sighhhhh......
I used to wonder if maybe I was really adopted....and then I grew up and discovered... Nope....all the awful signs I've manifested point right to biological family...... During the round-table style Board Gossip the topic of adoption came up because it was asked, "When is the right time to tell a child?" Most kids I knew who were adopted knew it always.... since the beginning..... I think that's the ticket.....though... I did think that, as usual, Ronnie B. had some good really good advice..."When's the best time to tell the kid? When you're really, really mad at them...."
Dave told the story of how a girl he knew in school who was Asian and both her parents were blond and how she didn't know until college that she had been adopted.... Wha? Dude... maybe they thought at some point she might start asking questions and she..uhh... just never did.....? So in her parents' blond heads they just figured, "Ehhh, we'll leave well enough alone..."
Perhaps peeps in the studio were lookin at Dave skeptically cause for no apparent reason he called out to his mother- who may or may not have been listening- "You remember Mom....Fred and Astaire around the corner...?"
Hoo-hoo-hooold on....!! I'm supposed to believe that this couple of two blond knuckleheads were named Fred and Astaire? Like Fred Astaire.....the ole actor/dancer/singer Fred Astaire..? The danced-with Ginger Rogers Fred Astaire...??? Hmmmm.... I ain't sayin ya makin shit up.... but.... dude! If their names are indeed Fred and Astaire...WHEW! What were the chances that those two would find each other in this big ol crazy world of ours?? Am I right??!!
Another topic that Board Gossip touched on was lazy jobs...... Fezzie said that he thought the laziest would have to be the movie projectionist..... Everyone snickered cause...really, not so many of em exist these days.... Ron yelled, "I think the laziest is the guy who plays the piano for the silent films!"
You know.... A couple of years ago a bunch of us went to see this film when we were up in South Jersey.....It was at this rickety old theater.... I would not have even thought about whether or not this house had a projectionist, except for the fact that I saw him coming out of the booth as we were leaving ......
He was a reeeally old man with a bushy, white beard...... Brian and I had just been sayin how the movie had seemed really long..... so when I saw the old, bearded projectionist walking out this thought occurred to me.... and I just fell into hysterics... cause I wondered....... "When had started running this film, was he but a young man?!!?" It killed me I tell you cause it seemed so cartoonish..... Nobody else cared or laughed cause they weren't stoned.....
The question that left me most befuddled from Friday's Board Gossip was, "When is too early to drink??" I paced and scratched my head quizzically, "Too early??"
I also made with the quizzical faces again when I learned that Ronnie B. is also a priest! After all these years.... Heh! Chuckle... Well, ya learn something new everyday, huh?
Ron was discussing how Don Vito had been found guilty of two counts of sexual assault after groping some teenagers at a signing..... Ron pointed out that, "As we all knew he would, Don Vito took the news with grace and dignity," by screaming, "Just kill me now!!!" and falling on the floor while moaning, "My legs are broke! My legs are broke! Help ME!!"
Ron informed us that as a priest, he had been in contact with Don Vito.... "The kids love you...You have to go out like a bitch!" Ronnie added.... "Ahhhhh and he did...and..we'll never know if he did it for the kids or if he did it for meee!"
Alright.... I've been goin on here.....on and on rambling..... Really great shows this week mis amigos! You gave me much to think about this weekend...like the stuff that I've already mentioned.... and other things too....... like Ronnie's heart-warming childhood story about when he was growin up.....
It was so adorable! He was recalling this time with his parents where he told them..."I know you love me....but stay the fuck outta my coke and dope...You could really fuck things up....believe it or not, not all that's paid for..... I can put up with the bitching......but stay outta my dope..." Awwww..... and I've also been sittin here wondering why Dave finds Tom Brokaw to be, "the most attractive man in the world.".... Do you realize how often this comes up??
"Kind of a lot!!" is the answer.... Now, I realize what Tom Brokaw looks like.... but do you know I have google image-searched just to take a look to see what all the Tom Brokaw lust is about!?! Seriously.... Not, "Handsome!" as Dave claims.....
I'm not tryin to run down an old news man here... but...Dave asserts that Brokaw is, "The Indiana Jones of the evening news??" I'm sorry... what...no...
Yeah... I'll finally stop tryin to understand......now that the weekend is coming to an end..... this weekend that I've spent, "staring out the window waiting for Monday to come"....while trying desperately to quiet the voice of Anna Nicole Fezzie that echoes nightmarishly in my head, "Is that my baby! My Baby!"
Signed,
kathleen from the bronx :):):)
Hey what's up...... You know, you guys had like three Friday shows in a row.... Three days in a row you had me feeling like it was Friday......It wasn't Friday! Except for the last day....cause that time it really was Friday.... Man, Wednesday's and Thursday's were fun, fun, Friday-like shows..... You know what I'm sayin...these great Noon-3's in the East that we share are always fun times for the ole gal...just sayin... but there was mad extra insane, funny shit like a Friday. You know...like cross-dressing and booze.... So, I extra dug.....Just so you realize, I experienced some really violent laughs... so hard that it gets a little bit scary like I might not be able to stop....so there was a little panic involved.... It was a panic.
On the Halloween show, Ronnie pointed out that, "most guys on the show are cross-dressers.." See, I was not aware of this! Did you guys announce that it was gonna be a Gal-o-ween Halloween this year....or was this a complete radio-surprise..... Hmmm..... I don't remember.... Well, I'll tell you pals what... I certainly was surprised........Surprised and revolted! I didn't have Paltalk this day, and the descriptions that Ronnie gave of the boys in dresses made me feel like maybe that fact was a blessing.... Oooof-ah!
This Halloween E.S.D. apparently went back to those storied childhood days in which his mother would dress him up like a little girl.."Lil Ruby." Dave called out happily, "I feel like an adult Ruby.....You can call me A.R.!" Fez Whatley, The Man Behind the Glass (dressed as a woman) said, "Yeah Ruby grew up and went to Whoreville." OOh The Man Behind the Glass!!! He's KILLIN......
Ron said to Fez, "You think that behind that glass you cannot be touched by society's rules!"
As Fezzie kept his wicked barbs and wise-cracking up all show, Ron shortened his reaction to yelling, "The man behind the glass!" each time......the way in which one might yell "Strikes AGAIN!" about a villain...... Ron added, "There's Nothing Meaner than the Man Behind the Glass.... That's the name of the horror movie I'm makin.." That's one horror show I'd see... cause The Man Behind The Glass was en fuego..... I tell you......
Anyway, back to the Gal-o-ween horror show.... Dave, Adult Ruby......Ronnie offered that he reallly seemed to look like someone he knew....or had know... whooo..??? He suggested, "Elliot Offen?" but later also told E.S.D. in drag, "I really enjoyed your movie from a couple of years ago.... Monster...... You're like Aileen Wuornos....AFTER she let herself go!!!" .....Pretty! Let me be the millionth person to yell, "YIIIIIIIKES!!!" all after the fact.... but damn!
Oh, here is another reason I was thankfully enjoying all the shenanigans in the theater of the minnnnnd, rather than on a live video in front of my face...... Without the readily available images, I could block out the ideas of some of what went down..... go to the safe and happy place.....obstruct the troubling images and thoughts....hum a merry tune.....
WHY did Dave keep showing his thong!!!? Heavens to Betsey, people..... That's so ill....... Ron yelled, "You got the brain of a two year old and the balls of an 80 year old Jew!!!" Oh my God......... so gross.... so hilarious...and also with disgust he informed us..... "Ack! AW! His labia's out! Oh God.... It's out again.... The tininess is out again!" I was just rolling laughin at that joint.... without havin to see......that...joint....
Pitzy......Pitzy looked like, "A middle aged woman from Long Island..."according to Ron...I instantly envisioned Mary Jo Buttafucco...and thought, "That God-damned Amy Fisher.." and then kept listening to the depiction of the horrifying scene...
Ron, in a deeply disgusted tone informed the lad, "You're a MINF.... Mother I'd Never Fuck!" Ron also later added that Pitzy was also known as, "Curves in all the wrong places...." The intern,Groz...or K-Rob.... or Bob-Bob....didn't fare much better in the lookin-good department..... Ronnie interpreted the look by describing it as a, "I've-got-to-take-my-cousin-to-the-prom-and-then-I gotta-blow-him..."
Ron said that Earl looked like, "Black Carol Channing." That made me snort-laugh, and that wasn't cute! Ohh, neither is Black Carol Channing........ Actually, Ronnie also did say that Earl had a bit of a Tina Turner look...... Earl chimed in, "Everyone has a little Tina in them!" Ron pointed out, "Yeah, well I got A LOT of Ike in me, so I'll slap you around and take your money." The craziest thing to hear though, was when Ron commented about Earl's get-up, "I hate to say it, he's the first fuckable one yet!" Tsk, now that's a shame.... and then there was Fezzie....
Fezzie dressed up as Marilyn Monroe.....That mental picture was just precious! Ron asserted that The Big Cat actually looked more like Linda Tripp.... Fezzie shrieked indignantly, "NO! I worked really hard on this!!!" to which Ron gravely responded, "Well I have to tell ya.......You couldn't look WORSE!" Ronnie described Marilyn as lookin like a psycho nurse, or some character outta John Water's Pink Flamingos: The Fat Years..... As the taunting continued, Fezzie yelled, "This all hurts and I'm taking it to therapy!!!" Fez also defiantly countered, "The only crime I've committed is wearing white after Labor Day!" Nooooo... many crimes were committed on this day........ Sometimes crimes are like the funniest though, am I right? Yeah....
Take this atrocity for example..... Late in the show when things were at their nuttiest, Marilyn Fezzie suddenly transformed into Anna Nicole...... Ron said, "The Last Days of Anna Nicole Smith," version...... Fezzie's screamin, "My baby! My Baby!" thinking Babylove was the baby she'd had six months ago....."Is that my Baby? That's my Baby!!! From six months ago??!!" and yellin shit about wanting to be buried in The Bahamas with her dead son..... Madness..... "Trimspa baby!!!" Just pandemonium.....
How disturbing is it that Earl and Fezzie went dress shopping for their outfits together, then went for a little lunch!? Eeeesh...like a regular, "girls-day out," together...... Fezzie told us how when they were trying on their gowns Earl would act out this scene, "Mom, Dad....I have something to tell you...." as if he was comin out to them in a dress......and it seemed way too eerily natural.... as if he had been practicing that very moment in the mirror for years..... Wow. Earl was tryin to explain himself... He began to speak, trailing off, "I'm not verrrry........" "STRAIGHT??!" Ron yelled....
Not very straight....not very sane.... Other proof of the day's insanity was Dave's ranting "Gay Sean Connery," impression of Hosp.... Ron declared it, ""The worst impression in the history of life!" It was really hilarious.... and so, so senseless! It might be some kind of crime to ridicule a man with such wise taste in sandwiches...... Wow, anyway... that was crazy... Crazy as when Dave said that his REAL costume for Halloween was gonna be Jonathan Winters....
Repeatedly Ron could be heard to utter....."This......is.....sad," and.... "This is sick!" ...and.... "What a hideous group.....What a hideous group..."
Here's the thing... I have already brought to your attention the fact that I saw none of this go down on Paltalk........ again I will say it was all theater of my minnnnnd for me this day....... and even that certainly was a fright....welll always... but extra this time...... AND NOW....after having seen the pictures up on ronfez.net, I have to yelp at you...."My God......It was even more awful than I ever could have imagined!!!"
I think that that group may have been the worst lookin assemblage of women I have ever seen.....and I've been to bus stations! I have never seen the likes of em...... except Pitzy did remind me of this woman on the local news here..... She used to be, "this investigative reporter," ....but now they're sending her out on stories about whether or not area restaurants are switching out cheaper fish for grouper and red snapper.......... So ya know, things don't seem to be going her way.
Speaking of, "What a hideous group....what a hideous group," let's hear it for The Westboro Baptist Church!!! On Thursday's show yez had on Shirley Phelps-Roper..... the day after that verdict came down against them ordering them to pay $11 million.... holding them liable for invasion of privacy and intent to inflict emotional distress with their picketing of a private funeral for a Marine killed in Iraq.... Nothing gets that sunbeam Shirl down though! It's lucky that she is the spiritual adviser to The Ron and Fez Show....
Ronnie started off the interview by saying that is must be a rough day for Shirley and the fam......"NO!" she barked.... "Don't you understand hon... this is a GOOD thing..."
I would have been surprised at her reaction until I remembered, "Oh yeah, she's crazy."
I forgot that her family is the only one that is going to Heaven.... so it's all good news no matter what for the Phelps-Ropers.....I guess... Though she claimed that the verdict was actually a godsend.... She DID seem a bit more irritable than usual.....
I dunno why she felt the need to call Ron, "Dummy!" like his name was Lamont Sanford......
You guys are the best at talking to that nut....cause Ron will act like, "Yes, yes... I understand now," and the next comment will be like completely the opposite of what Shirl's throwin down...... I'm sayin sometimes she has more patience.... but on Thursday she was a bit curt at times! I was like.... "I know you just were blessed with an $11 million fine... but that doesn't give you the right to be so snippy!"
When I first learned about this awful family, I used to get so PISSED at them...like I could hardly stand to hear it..... I can't stand that Shirley Phelps-Roper almost as much as I have disdain for that little trick-or-treating girl who yelled at Fez when he opened his door, "Your house STINKS!!" From now on I shall refer to that little creep of a girl as, "Young Shirley."
.........Anyway.....while of course, Shirley Phelps-Roper's insane homophobia and peculiar beliefs and cruel acts are as just as reprehensible now, or worse, as the day I first heard of them...it's so interesting to hear her madness and Bible quote-laden diatribes amid corny sayings and calling people, "Polly Prissy-pants....." or yelling, "How about a nice frothy mug of SHUT THE HELL UP!!?! Ron whispered... "There's no such drink...." HAH!
Whew.. this broad is priceless! It's so nutty to me..... that as she knows just the right Bible passage to reference to insanely support whatever hateful thing...and then..... she takes the time to borrow from pop culture?? Like, at one point she heard somebody, somewhere wise-crack, "How bout a frothy mug of shut the hell up!??!" and she's like...."Oooh I'm gonna save that one and use it sometime," cause it amused her?? Hmmm..... where does she file that away in the ole memory bank?? Is it in a manila folder in her mind right next to the file marked, "Why God says to hate gays??" Mysterious.....
Shirl was talking about, "God's laws," for marriage... and Ron remarked, "Well.... doesn't that seem kind of dull?" Shirley snarled back, "Only for a DUMB ASS!" Ron dryly muttered, "Ouch..... you got me...." Then he questioned her on what God dictated about fantasizing while married... Shirley repeatedly bellowed, "I don't want to know your nonsense! I don't want to know your nonsense!!! I don't know what goes on in your dark, evil heart!!!" Ron mused, "Ahhh.... That's a book in itself, Shirley...."
These interviews with Shirley Phelps Roper are such a bizarre dichotomy.... Here's this awful shrew of a lunatic, and yet the conversations make me laugh so hard due to the RnF commentary........ Strange.... strange..... Like I definitely cackled when Ronnie told Shirley, "You're like the Christian Partridge Family!" and then later when he confessed, "I want to be her Ruben Kincade!!! How can I get her to understand that???" I was thinking.... "Holy shit.... Would that be the best!?!"
Oh... hold on.... wait a second..... See, I get carried away....!
So there was Shirley Phelps-Roper..... and it was also Dave's big 30th birthday! WOOOOO!!! That was cool of you guys to hook him up with the Jameson.... I have never heard someone get so instantly drunk in my life after one shot, like Dave does....... not even toddlers! It's amazing.... and it always makes for entertaining antics.......
Here's a question that plagued my mind the other night as I struggled to sleep....How is it that Dave can get no lyrics right....ever....ever, ever...... not even his, "favorite song," If I Should Fall from Grace With God.......which does NOT contain the lyrics, "When I get out on the slim....hmmmm....hmmmm... YEAH!" .............and yet....... he sung the opening theme for Dog The Bounty Hunter perfectly......... What goes on?? It's baffling!
As the drinking continued, so did the delirium... Dave was a bit despondent because that morning Slash had been in the studio with Oooooo and AAaaaaaa.... and Dave felt as though Roland had "cock-blocked," him from gettin an autograph.... on his birthday.....knowing that Guns N' Roses is his favorite band..... As the drinks kept flowing, so did Dave's bitter lamenting.....
ESD grumbled on about how he had been stabbed in the back by O&A and Roland.... Ron attempted to comfort Dave by adding, "Yeah you got fucked by O&A pretty good, huh...." Dave cried out, "They put their big, fat Long Island cocks in my ASS!!" Fez added.... "Luckyyyyy....." Dave went on to gripe, "Misteh B.... if there is one thing that I don't like..... it's double penetration... and not gettin Slash's autograph! Oh... that's two things..."
Eventually Dave focused his scorn on Opie and Roland noting that, "That man...Anthony.... He's a SAINT! He's a saint like Saint Francis of Assisi...." (pronouncing Assisi like "Uh-sissy"....which is the same way that my moms says it.....which I had to break myself of the habit when I was in school cause in my religion class in Kindergarten these two girls laughed at me for sayin his name like that...anywhooo)... Dave screamed, "I'd let St. Francis of Assisi piss in my mouth!!!" I can guarantee is the only time that I've ever heard that announced......
A bewildered Fezzielou asked, "You'd....let...? What???" Ron questioned, " Cause he was nice to animals... Is that the only reason???" AS IF that would be something that Saint Francis would be into.... The mind reels...... Anyway, Anthony Cumia was immune to Dave's wrath.....but Roland wasn't....
Dave treated us to day-two of impressionist's corner and launched into a string of crazy statements in a Roland voice....For example, there was, "Hi, I'm Roland, I look like an ewok....but without the great hair!" Just like the Gay Sean Connery voice from the day before, almost every line started off with Dave saying the name of the person he was mimicking every time.....and it was just killin me I tell yez..... Madman!
Dave was pretty beside himself.... he got into a fevered pitch at times.....with his no-Slash-autograph-having disappointment.... and then there was this new gimmick of becoming crazy protective over Ron and Fezzie....... Earl said something in disagreement with Fez and Dave just started screaming at Earl, "Don't call Fez Whatley a LIAR!!! Not in front of our God-damned guest!!!" Later Danny from O&A called in....to basically taunt Dave..... Seemed like he was gonna offer Dave his Slash-signed guitar..... but did the routine of, "I'll take a picture of myself with the guitar, and send it to you...... At one point Danny made some joke to Ron about his winning personality.... and Dave when ape-shit yelling, "You DO NOT disrespect Ron Bennington!!!!!!!!! You DO NOT!!!!!!!!" like a berserk redheaded pit bull....
That whole exchange got Davey Mac even more riled...... Ron suggested, "You ought to walk right out.....You should quit!! That'd show em!!!"
Sooo.... it was the best......and after hearing Dave drunkenly rant and rave all show..... and calling out the O&A show and Roland.... that he actually DID get himself an autographed copy of Slash's book for his big 30th birthday was so funny........
He seemed really surprised; if his screams of happiness were to be any proof..... It occurred to me as I heard the screams...the hideous screams.... that Dave's screams of joy sound exactly the same as the pouring-hot-sauce-down-the-ass screams..... Yeah.... and I laugh just as hard...
The Drinking continued on Friday's show..... cause some Jameson remained..... Dave told how the day before he had fallen asleep on his plate of mozzarella sticks at this one bar.... and was telling yez RnF that he planned to go back to the same establishment after the show.... Ron shouted, "You don't go BACK to a place where you've embarrassed yourself!! You are bottomless.....You are like one of those bottom of the sea spots that we have yet to discover despite all our technology!!!" Dave seemed to agree...and likened his having no rock-bottom to some endless pit from Star Wars...The Sarlacc Pit?? ....Or the did he mean the bottomless pit known as George Lucas' greeeeeed??? Heh... heh....heeeeeh.... Nah I'm jus kiddin about that George Lucas part... Heeey, good for you George Lucas, you and ya crazy ass....
Ron went on to remind Earl that, "The Irish are the lowest white people we have...." That ain't news to me.... I lived with em...."My family," is how they like me to refer to 'em.... OH, and then Ronnie sang that aule song, "Weeeeee'lll be shittin and fuckin and fightin and pisssin...and shittin and fuckin and fightin and pissin......."
Ahhh... I love it when Ronnie sings.....especially when it's a beloved song of me childhood.... I can remember my sweet saint of a mother singing that lullaby to me at me bedside as I was drifting off to sleep..... to the sounds of breaking bottles and furniture...and screams of, "I'll show YOOOUUUUU!" Sighhhhh......
I used to wonder if maybe I was really adopted....and then I grew up and discovered... Nope....all the awful signs I've manifested point right to biological family...... During the round-table style Board Gossip the topic of adoption came up because it was asked, "When is the right time to tell a child?" Most kids I knew who were adopted knew it always.... since the beginning..... I think that's the ticket.....though... I did think that, as usual, Ronnie B. had some good really good advice..."When's the best time to tell the kid? When you're really, really mad at them...."
Dave told the story of how a girl he knew in school who was Asian and both her parents were blond and how she didn't know until college that she had been adopted.... Wha? Dude... maybe they thought at some point she might start asking questions and she..uhh... just never did.....? So in her parents' blond heads they just figured, "Ehhh, we'll leave well enough alone..."
Perhaps peeps in the studio were lookin at Dave skeptically cause for no apparent reason he called out to his mother- who may or may not have been listening- "You remember Mom....Fred and Astaire around the corner...?"
Hoo-hoo-hooold on....!! I'm supposed to believe that this couple of two blond knuckleheads were named Fred and Astaire? Like Fred Astaire.....the ole actor/dancer/singer Fred Astaire..? The danced-with Ginger Rogers Fred Astaire...??? Hmmmm.... I ain't sayin ya makin shit up.... but.... dude! If their names are indeed Fred and Astaire...WHEW! What were the chances that those two would find each other in this big ol crazy world of ours?? Am I right??!!
Another topic that Board Gossip touched on was lazy jobs...... Fezzie said that he thought the laziest would have to be the movie projectionist..... Everyone snickered cause...really, not so many of em exist these days.... Ron yelled, "I think the laziest is the guy who plays the piano for the silent films!"
You know.... A couple of years ago a bunch of us went to see this film when we were up in South Jersey.....It was at this rickety old theater.... I would not have even thought about whether or not this house had a projectionist, except for the fact that I saw him coming out of the booth as we were leaving ......
He was a reeeally old man with a bushy, white beard...... Brian and I had just been sayin how the movie had seemed really long..... so when I saw the old, bearded projectionist walking out this thought occurred to me.... and I just fell into hysterics... cause I wondered....... "When had started running this film, was he but a young man?!!?" It killed me I tell you cause it seemed so cartoonish..... Nobody else cared or laughed cause they weren't stoned.....
The question that left me most befuddled from Friday's Board Gossip was, "When is too early to drink??" I paced and scratched my head quizzically, "Too early??"
I also made with the quizzical faces again when I learned that Ronnie B. is also a priest! After all these years.... Heh! Chuckle... Well, ya learn something new everyday, huh?
Ron was discussing how Don Vito had been found guilty of two counts of sexual assault after groping some teenagers at a signing..... Ron pointed out that, "As we all knew he would, Don Vito took the news with grace and dignity," by screaming, "Just kill me now!!!" and falling on the floor while moaning, "My legs are broke! My legs are broke! Help ME!!"
Ron informed us that as a priest, he had been in contact with Don Vito.... "The kids love you...You have to go out like a bitch!" Ronnie added.... "Ahhhhh and he did...and..we'll never know if he did it for the kids or if he did it for meee!"
Alright.... I've been goin on here.....on and on rambling..... Really great shows this week mis amigos! You gave me much to think about this weekend...like the stuff that I've already mentioned.... and other things too....... like Ronnie's heart-warming childhood story about when he was growin up.....
It was so adorable! He was recalling this time with his parents where he told them..."I know you love me....but stay the fuck outta my coke and dope...You could really fuck things up....believe it or not, not all that's paid for..... I can put up with the bitching......but stay outta my dope..." Awwww..... and I've also been sittin here wondering why Dave finds Tom Brokaw to be, "the most attractive man in the world.".... Do you realize how often this comes up??
"Kind of a lot!!" is the answer.... Now, I realize what Tom Brokaw looks like.... but do you know I have google image-searched just to take a look to see what all the Tom Brokaw lust is about!?! Seriously.... Not, "Handsome!" as Dave claims.....
I'm not tryin to run down an old news man here... but...Dave asserts that Brokaw is, "The Indiana Jones of the evening news??" I'm sorry... what...no...
Yeah... I'll finally stop tryin to understand......now that the weekend is coming to an end..... this weekend that I've spent, "staring out the window waiting for Monday to come"....while trying desperately to quiet the voice of Anna Nicole Fezzie that echoes nightmarishly in my head, "Is that my baby! My Baby!"
Signed,
kathleen from the bronx :):):)