Kathleen From The Bronx
11-08-2007, 11:01 PM
Dear Ron and Fez Shooow,
Umm... As proof that Autumn no longer exists, I would totally send you a picture of this tree that I see everyday from my back deck....but..... I won't bother cause I'm pretty sure that you are aware of what a tree with all green leaves looks like.... "Al Gored...Al Gored," I mutter along with you.....
That shit is for real, there are no vibrant Fall leaves...... even the ones that have turned are not bright and exciting....Thanks for the beige, Al Gore! Euugh..... I've already griped about this! You know what I'm sayin.... Ronnie said, "Al Gore has somehow destroyed this planet," and added..... "This looks like the beginning of a weird, depressing Winter for everyone..." Wow.... that's exactly what I was thinking too! Oddly enough...I had been thinkin the same fuckin thing....and it occurred to me......
At one time I might have scoffed at the idea.....the idea of a sinister madman with a diabolical plot, creating a lair in an underground cavern in which he would build a colossal weather machine that would run by the power of a mythical diamond....capable of controlling the world's weather.....
I would have scornfully mocked, "Ohh that sounds like some corny story line right outta the soap operas!" Ohhh... but not anymore! Not since Al Gore! I know that he keeps talkin all this global warming stuff... but... I'm starting to believe that this act is all a red herring.... you know, a distraction.... a diversionary tactic.......cause he's clearly gonna freeze the world with that machine of his. Summer turning into instant Winter this year is one clue. Another clue is that I apparently am turning into a bear....
I assume that this transformation is one of the side effects of the holy mess that is this weather....a byproduct of the chaos wreaked by Gore's deadly game.... Why else would I, an insomniac for years, suddenly be sleeping for what feels like forever....still to awake groggily... as if in a trance.... just to growl at people and to steal their food? Al Gore is turning me into a deranged animal....
Turning? Yeah.... I said... "TURNING." I am not one already.....Wait .......WHAT'D you say??? Oh... Oh...really??? You wanna see deranged animal?! I'LL SHOW YOU DERANGED ANIMAL!!!!!!!!!!! ....Oh. Wait..... No... see...OK, I get what you were doin there; it was just a little joke... OK.... Heh... Just a lil edgy lately... heh... heh... lashing out again... (ruefully chuckles and shakes fist) "Gore...yooou..."
Apparently Al Gore also makes the ole grizzly talk to herself too.... heh.... Wasn't Mike the Teacher saying yesterday that if you could jump into the mind of an animal, you wouldn't even know how to describe it.....it would be that bizarre...cause we don't know if they have memory..or if they are constantly thinking in the present.....Yeah.... If indeed this metamorphosis is taking place.... I will be sure to at least attempt to take notes....and they are as follows....
Anyway... Well, I wasn't writing to whinge and whine.....Just sayin, fuckin Gored again...What the fuck do I have to be so dismal about besides the demise of our environment? It's not like I gotta go home to cat with a belly full of worms.....or kitten embryos....
Poor Fezzielou... poor cat..... I'm starting to think that this whole cat adoption experiment has really been some kind of test or trial....or trick....Whooo gave him this cat?? I'm sayin..... Fezzie has this nutty cat who goes crazy, tearing up the house annnytime Ronnie innocently leaves a thoughtful meowing message or twelve on the answering machine...... and NOW... this cat's swollen gut either spells worms or a litter of kittens...?? In exasperation Fezzie lamented, "This cat has done nothing but screw me!!!" "Well, now YOU have worms!" Ronnie remarked....to which Fezzie screamed, "Not THAT kind of screwing!!!"
Forget it! Is this the type of shit that as a cat owner you are expected to put up with?? See, I don't know... I am no expert....and I certainly am paranoid.... but doesn't this all seem like some kind of elaborately orchestrated ordeal to see how much Fezzie will be willing to take?? I can't scapegoat Al Gore for everything... but enough is eeeenough! It's time for those feral cat rescuers known as The Island Pranksters to jump out from behind the curtain! Let the man in on the joke already!
Whew..... so..... eh... I feel like I'm just yelling all this shit at you constantly... ranting and raving.... How bout I tell you about some things that actually make the ole gal happy..... Well, there's The Ron and Fez Show (lecherous wink), annnnd... hmm...Oh! I am also fond of when John Waters comes to visit you guys..... of that I am a fan.... I like John Waters.... It probably has very much to do with the kinda thing that Ron said, "Show me someone you're not supposed to like... and I'll like him.." Yeah, that's pretty much how I got introduced to his bizarre Baltimore world..... Somewhere along the line I must have heard him be described as a twisted individual... and so... I had to see all his films...
John Waters was talking about his fans....that they seem to be, "minorities who do not fit in within their own minorities," for instance.... "There were angry hippies who were probably closet punks...." When he said that I felt a little validated in life.... just cause... I am an angry hippie, John Waters! I never could make is as a good hippie....I was always too cranky.... See it all makes perfect sense that I would end up diggin....
After the interview, which I enjoyed immensely, Ronnie reflected, "You know what I like about John Waters? He looks just like John Waters!" Yeah, that's definitely a good thing....a little consistency in the world....Comforting.... You know what was funny to me was that during the earlier conversation, Waters was discussing how as his films are based in Baltimore, all the characters REALLY look like people you would find there...He said, "They're more like documentaries....Baltimore is really like that....People LOOK like that there! ..... These are my people!!"
... Dude, I have run into some crazy lookin customers there.... so, I would tend to agree..... The general overview would read something like, "Deeply creepy, yet strangely welcoming." Just like you, John Waters... just like you..... Oh! and then today Fezzie was sayin how John Waters did not approve of his hair.... Thought it was, "too yellow." Sounding a bit displeased, Fezzie added, "His little mustache was frowning at me!!!" That made me laugh cause I could so picture the look.... The pencil-thin mustache of judgment....
Speaking of looks.....Waters was saying that he really travels frequently... "I live the life of an airline pilot," he stated...... Literally, as soon as he said that, as if in a flash, I imagined myself sitting in a seat towards the front of a plane..... The door to the cockpit was still open, and as I'm lookin in, the pilot's head in his pilot's uniform hat slowly turns to meet my gaze.... and it's the face of John Waters smiling ghoulishly at me.....and then the door slammed shut!
That was a really a kind of distressing vision... Struck a lil momentary fear in the heart, it did..... Shoooot, what if you were on a flight and you suddenly realized that John Waters was flyin the plane..? Panic in the skies is what, cause you know some freaky shit would have to transpire.... What's odd is that as he was talking to Ronnie, I had another strange realization.... I thought to myself that I would probably enjoy listening to him talk all day long cause I find his voice like.....droll yet melodic.... strangely soothing like it would be perfect for reading me bedtime stories...... Oy, I sound like a creep myself sayin crazy shit like that! Ahh anyway......
As always it was a lovely, flowing interview a la Ronnie B..... I loved it how Ron said to him, "Just from my own background I can tell that you've got a bit of carny in you..." He agreed...... I dug the idea of carny folk gettin together to rap..... It was rad.... As Ron pointed out, it is pretty wild to think of all these old women goin to see Hairspray on Broadway, given that his films are so typically based on the outlandish and the fringe.....to which John Waters responded happily, that it is the ultimate irony that he's now somehow part of the establishment.... I was wondering if a Broadway musical would ever be made about Serial Mom...... There's one I'd have to see for sure.... just to see what kinda song and dance number they'd come up with for Beverly's threatening prank calls to Dottie Hinkle..... Pussssssy willllllllloooow...... cha cha cha....
Anyway, sorry I'm just rambling on and on here.... Oh... but while we're on the subject of movies.... kinda...... yeah, Paul O called in today...... and gave the latest Coen Brother's film a really good review..... I am realllly excited to see this film... I don't know if you are aware, but I am a humongous fan of so many of their movies...... Raising Arizona..... Miller's Crossing... Fargo... The Big Lebowski... Barton Fink.... oooh on and on.... So yeah, I am geeked for No Country For Old Men...
As they were discussing some of the other upcoming films...like Fred Claus... Ron shouted, "You want my review???? 'I won't see it!' " He then continued on, " I hope they put that on the DVD cover: 'I won't see it!' .....Ron Bennington, The Ron and Fez Show...." That made me laugh.... but also it made me yell at the radio, "DO IT!" Do you know how helpful that would be??? The answer is, "QUITE...."
Oooh shit... You know what else was great? When Dave stormed off the show today in a fit of rage and lunatic indignation after another one of his bits was taken over while he remained on strike with his Writer's Guild brothers and sisters...... Yesterday I was dying laughing at Lilly rockin the Board Gossip......and was rollin too as Dave became just beside himself over it.... hollering, "SCAB! SCAB!" at Lilly and everyone who called to support her... and everyone who was laughing at the scene....writing their names down angrily......
I guess today when Bob Bob commandeered another one of Dave's bits.... as "Bob Bobberson," it was just all way too much for Davey Mac.... cause he took to the streets....but....not to the location where Writer's Guild strikers were, down at 30 Rock..... He just decided to picket right outside of the building there at XM... Ron pointed out, "Soooo... Dave decided to walk out on the Ron and Fez Show after the Bob Bobberson bit.....this is even though he's not a paid writer for this show..... and this isn't television or film..... So... I guess that his fate is in XM's hands.... and I.......couldn't care less actually.... It truly means nothing to me!"
Meanwhile on the street, marching in his one-man protest, Dave was chanting, "Ron and Fez Booo, booo, booo, Ron and Fez," and stuff like that.....Ron asked Dave why he kept saying, "Ron and Fez Boo." "Do you mean, like as in, 'That's mah boo?' " Obviously I cackled at that....
The likes of Jay Leno and Jimmy Kimmel brought food down to the picket lines in support of their writers... and Ronnie B., offered to do the same... "Are you hungry?" he asked Dave down on the street...."You want some Mexican food....or a donut?" Showing his concern he added, "It's pretty cold out there... Do you need anything.... like a coat.....or common sense?"
The best.... the best, best was while Dave was on the line and Ronnie B. was able to break the spy report to Dave that the strike had ended! Woo! What a moment of jubilation, right? Yeah... that was pretty exciting.... and I thought to myself, "What were the chances that it would end with such good timing?! How craz....hey...waaait a....." Before I could get my ass up to go check the news, Ronnie divulged that the strike was still on....as dave made his way back into the building.... Dave, of course didn't find out the truth until he had written and recited a victory poem which he had composed in what he thought was the joy of the moment.....
I sat there listening all, heeeheeeeheeeeheeeeee... waiting for you guys to reveal the truth to E.S.D..... and when yez did, it was met with all the screamy fury that I'd hoped for..... devastated that he had become a scab... Ahhhh... I love trickery!
It really would be the best ever if tomorrow one of those giant, inflatable rats materialized in front of the building.....
Oh I should point this out...Ronnie did announce that he missed Dave on the show, noting that he was the go-to guy...Before kicking Earl out of the studio for the millionth time that day he ranked em all, "It's.....Dave, Pitzy, a urinal, an ash can....and then you, Earl..." I just wanted to bring that up so that I could say, "Ronnie picked a scab first"... Yeah.... I brought it up for the sole reason that I wanted to make a gross pun? Fuckin sad days, k-dawg...sad....
Anyway..... Yes indeed, I am a fan of bamboozling... as long as it's not the work of a weather-controlling madman....or when it results in a kindly Fez Marie getting hoodwinked into adopting a possibly pregnant/worm infested feral cat.........You know what I mean..... Even I have my limits...
Aight... sorry to ramble! Lemme just bring up one more thing..... Now, there are sooo, so many lines of the day in each show....that I never would be able to really choose one that I would call the tops.....but.....you know that shit where people say, "Oh that was so funny you made me spit my drink out all over everything.." Yeah.....well as much as that is total cliche......it happened to the ole girl today.... This is what I'm talking about.....Earl said, "I would take a bullet for you Ronnie.... I would." Ronnie yelled with the quickness, "Outta the gun that I'm shooting? !?!" Ahhhhhhhhh...... I was havin a lil moment on my back deck, smokin a jack and sipping some lovely tea whilst listening to yez...... and when I heard that... there was a chamomile spit-take.... That just killed me........killed me like a bullet meant for Earl..... In the midst of this crazy day, it hit me like a sunbeam's ray of pure exasperated funniness... Ok... now I better finally stop typing....... Later RnF.....
Signed,
kathleen from the bronx :):):)
Umm... As proof that Autumn no longer exists, I would totally send you a picture of this tree that I see everyday from my back deck....but..... I won't bother cause I'm pretty sure that you are aware of what a tree with all green leaves looks like.... "Al Gored...Al Gored," I mutter along with you.....
That shit is for real, there are no vibrant Fall leaves...... even the ones that have turned are not bright and exciting....Thanks for the beige, Al Gore! Euugh..... I've already griped about this! You know what I'm sayin.... Ronnie said, "Al Gore has somehow destroyed this planet," and added..... "This looks like the beginning of a weird, depressing Winter for everyone..." Wow.... that's exactly what I was thinking too! Oddly enough...I had been thinkin the same fuckin thing....and it occurred to me......
At one time I might have scoffed at the idea.....the idea of a sinister madman with a diabolical plot, creating a lair in an underground cavern in which he would build a colossal weather machine that would run by the power of a mythical diamond....capable of controlling the world's weather.....
I would have scornfully mocked, "Ohh that sounds like some corny story line right outta the soap operas!" Ohhh... but not anymore! Not since Al Gore! I know that he keeps talkin all this global warming stuff... but... I'm starting to believe that this act is all a red herring.... you know, a distraction.... a diversionary tactic.......cause he's clearly gonna freeze the world with that machine of his. Summer turning into instant Winter this year is one clue. Another clue is that I apparently am turning into a bear....
I assume that this transformation is one of the side effects of the holy mess that is this weather....a byproduct of the chaos wreaked by Gore's deadly game.... Why else would I, an insomniac for years, suddenly be sleeping for what feels like forever....still to awake groggily... as if in a trance.... just to growl at people and to steal their food? Al Gore is turning me into a deranged animal....
Turning? Yeah.... I said... "TURNING." I am not one already.....Wait .......WHAT'D you say??? Oh... Oh...really??? You wanna see deranged animal?! I'LL SHOW YOU DERANGED ANIMAL!!!!!!!!!!! ....Oh. Wait..... No... see...OK, I get what you were doin there; it was just a little joke... OK.... Heh... Just a lil edgy lately... heh... heh... lashing out again... (ruefully chuckles and shakes fist) "Gore...yooou..."
Apparently Al Gore also makes the ole grizzly talk to herself too.... heh.... Wasn't Mike the Teacher saying yesterday that if you could jump into the mind of an animal, you wouldn't even know how to describe it.....it would be that bizarre...cause we don't know if they have memory..or if they are constantly thinking in the present.....Yeah.... If indeed this metamorphosis is taking place.... I will be sure to at least attempt to take notes....and they are as follows....
Anyway... Well, I wasn't writing to whinge and whine.....Just sayin, fuckin Gored again...What the fuck do I have to be so dismal about besides the demise of our environment? It's not like I gotta go home to cat with a belly full of worms.....or kitten embryos....
Poor Fezzielou... poor cat..... I'm starting to think that this whole cat adoption experiment has really been some kind of test or trial....or trick....Whooo gave him this cat?? I'm sayin..... Fezzie has this nutty cat who goes crazy, tearing up the house annnytime Ronnie innocently leaves a thoughtful meowing message or twelve on the answering machine...... and NOW... this cat's swollen gut either spells worms or a litter of kittens...?? In exasperation Fezzie lamented, "This cat has done nothing but screw me!!!" "Well, now YOU have worms!" Ronnie remarked....to which Fezzie screamed, "Not THAT kind of screwing!!!"
Forget it! Is this the type of shit that as a cat owner you are expected to put up with?? See, I don't know... I am no expert....and I certainly am paranoid.... but doesn't this all seem like some kind of elaborately orchestrated ordeal to see how much Fezzie will be willing to take?? I can't scapegoat Al Gore for everything... but enough is eeeenough! It's time for those feral cat rescuers known as The Island Pranksters to jump out from behind the curtain! Let the man in on the joke already!
Whew..... so..... eh... I feel like I'm just yelling all this shit at you constantly... ranting and raving.... How bout I tell you about some things that actually make the ole gal happy..... Well, there's The Ron and Fez Show (lecherous wink), annnnd... hmm...Oh! I am also fond of when John Waters comes to visit you guys..... of that I am a fan.... I like John Waters.... It probably has very much to do with the kinda thing that Ron said, "Show me someone you're not supposed to like... and I'll like him.." Yeah, that's pretty much how I got introduced to his bizarre Baltimore world..... Somewhere along the line I must have heard him be described as a twisted individual... and so... I had to see all his films...
John Waters was talking about his fans....that they seem to be, "minorities who do not fit in within their own minorities," for instance.... "There were angry hippies who were probably closet punks...." When he said that I felt a little validated in life.... just cause... I am an angry hippie, John Waters! I never could make is as a good hippie....I was always too cranky.... See it all makes perfect sense that I would end up diggin....
After the interview, which I enjoyed immensely, Ronnie reflected, "You know what I like about John Waters? He looks just like John Waters!" Yeah, that's definitely a good thing....a little consistency in the world....Comforting.... You know what was funny to me was that during the earlier conversation, Waters was discussing how as his films are based in Baltimore, all the characters REALLY look like people you would find there...He said, "They're more like documentaries....Baltimore is really like that....People LOOK like that there! ..... These are my people!!"
... Dude, I have run into some crazy lookin customers there.... so, I would tend to agree..... The general overview would read something like, "Deeply creepy, yet strangely welcoming." Just like you, John Waters... just like you..... Oh! and then today Fezzie was sayin how John Waters did not approve of his hair.... Thought it was, "too yellow." Sounding a bit displeased, Fezzie added, "His little mustache was frowning at me!!!" That made me laugh cause I could so picture the look.... The pencil-thin mustache of judgment....
Speaking of looks.....Waters was saying that he really travels frequently... "I live the life of an airline pilot," he stated...... Literally, as soon as he said that, as if in a flash, I imagined myself sitting in a seat towards the front of a plane..... The door to the cockpit was still open, and as I'm lookin in, the pilot's head in his pilot's uniform hat slowly turns to meet my gaze.... and it's the face of John Waters smiling ghoulishly at me.....and then the door slammed shut!
That was a really a kind of distressing vision... Struck a lil momentary fear in the heart, it did..... Shoooot, what if you were on a flight and you suddenly realized that John Waters was flyin the plane..? Panic in the skies is what, cause you know some freaky shit would have to transpire.... What's odd is that as he was talking to Ronnie, I had another strange realization.... I thought to myself that I would probably enjoy listening to him talk all day long cause I find his voice like.....droll yet melodic.... strangely soothing like it would be perfect for reading me bedtime stories...... Oy, I sound like a creep myself sayin crazy shit like that! Ahh anyway......
As always it was a lovely, flowing interview a la Ronnie B..... I loved it how Ron said to him, "Just from my own background I can tell that you've got a bit of carny in you..." He agreed...... I dug the idea of carny folk gettin together to rap..... It was rad.... As Ron pointed out, it is pretty wild to think of all these old women goin to see Hairspray on Broadway, given that his films are so typically based on the outlandish and the fringe.....to which John Waters responded happily, that it is the ultimate irony that he's now somehow part of the establishment.... I was wondering if a Broadway musical would ever be made about Serial Mom...... There's one I'd have to see for sure.... just to see what kinda song and dance number they'd come up with for Beverly's threatening prank calls to Dottie Hinkle..... Pussssssy willllllllloooow...... cha cha cha....
Anyway, sorry I'm just rambling on and on here.... Oh... but while we're on the subject of movies.... kinda...... yeah, Paul O called in today...... and gave the latest Coen Brother's film a really good review..... I am realllly excited to see this film... I don't know if you are aware, but I am a humongous fan of so many of their movies...... Raising Arizona..... Miller's Crossing... Fargo... The Big Lebowski... Barton Fink.... oooh on and on.... So yeah, I am geeked for No Country For Old Men...
As they were discussing some of the other upcoming films...like Fred Claus... Ron shouted, "You want my review???? 'I won't see it!' " He then continued on, " I hope they put that on the DVD cover: 'I won't see it!' .....Ron Bennington, The Ron and Fez Show...." That made me laugh.... but also it made me yell at the radio, "DO IT!" Do you know how helpful that would be??? The answer is, "QUITE...."
Oooh shit... You know what else was great? When Dave stormed off the show today in a fit of rage and lunatic indignation after another one of his bits was taken over while he remained on strike with his Writer's Guild brothers and sisters...... Yesterday I was dying laughing at Lilly rockin the Board Gossip......and was rollin too as Dave became just beside himself over it.... hollering, "SCAB! SCAB!" at Lilly and everyone who called to support her... and everyone who was laughing at the scene....writing their names down angrily......
I guess today when Bob Bob commandeered another one of Dave's bits.... as "Bob Bobberson," it was just all way too much for Davey Mac.... cause he took to the streets....but....not to the location where Writer's Guild strikers were, down at 30 Rock..... He just decided to picket right outside of the building there at XM... Ron pointed out, "Soooo... Dave decided to walk out on the Ron and Fez Show after the Bob Bobberson bit.....this is even though he's not a paid writer for this show..... and this isn't television or film..... So... I guess that his fate is in XM's hands.... and I.......couldn't care less actually.... It truly means nothing to me!"
Meanwhile on the street, marching in his one-man protest, Dave was chanting, "Ron and Fez Booo, booo, booo, Ron and Fez," and stuff like that.....Ron asked Dave why he kept saying, "Ron and Fez Boo." "Do you mean, like as in, 'That's mah boo?' " Obviously I cackled at that....
The likes of Jay Leno and Jimmy Kimmel brought food down to the picket lines in support of their writers... and Ronnie B., offered to do the same... "Are you hungry?" he asked Dave down on the street...."You want some Mexican food....or a donut?" Showing his concern he added, "It's pretty cold out there... Do you need anything.... like a coat.....or common sense?"
The best.... the best, best was while Dave was on the line and Ronnie B. was able to break the spy report to Dave that the strike had ended! Woo! What a moment of jubilation, right? Yeah... that was pretty exciting.... and I thought to myself, "What were the chances that it would end with such good timing?! How craz....hey...waaait a....." Before I could get my ass up to go check the news, Ronnie divulged that the strike was still on....as dave made his way back into the building.... Dave, of course didn't find out the truth until he had written and recited a victory poem which he had composed in what he thought was the joy of the moment.....
I sat there listening all, heeeheeeeheeeeheeeeee... waiting for you guys to reveal the truth to E.S.D..... and when yez did, it was met with all the screamy fury that I'd hoped for..... devastated that he had become a scab... Ahhhh... I love trickery!
It really would be the best ever if tomorrow one of those giant, inflatable rats materialized in front of the building.....
Oh I should point this out...Ronnie did announce that he missed Dave on the show, noting that he was the go-to guy...Before kicking Earl out of the studio for the millionth time that day he ranked em all, "It's.....Dave, Pitzy, a urinal, an ash can....and then you, Earl..." I just wanted to bring that up so that I could say, "Ronnie picked a scab first"... Yeah.... I brought it up for the sole reason that I wanted to make a gross pun? Fuckin sad days, k-dawg...sad....
Anyway..... Yes indeed, I am a fan of bamboozling... as long as it's not the work of a weather-controlling madman....or when it results in a kindly Fez Marie getting hoodwinked into adopting a possibly pregnant/worm infested feral cat.........You know what I mean..... Even I have my limits...
Aight... sorry to ramble! Lemme just bring up one more thing..... Now, there are sooo, so many lines of the day in each show....that I never would be able to really choose one that I would call the tops.....but.....you know that shit where people say, "Oh that was so funny you made me spit my drink out all over everything.." Yeah.....well as much as that is total cliche......it happened to the ole girl today.... This is what I'm talking about.....Earl said, "I would take a bullet for you Ronnie.... I would." Ronnie yelled with the quickness, "Outta the gun that I'm shooting? !?!" Ahhhhhhhhh...... I was havin a lil moment on my back deck, smokin a jack and sipping some lovely tea whilst listening to yez...... and when I heard that... there was a chamomile spit-take.... That just killed me........killed me like a bullet meant for Earl..... In the midst of this crazy day, it hit me like a sunbeam's ray of pure exasperated funniness... Ok... now I better finally stop typing....... Later RnF.....
Signed,
kathleen from the bronx :):):)