Kathleen From The Bronx
11-13-2007, 12:50 AM
Dear Ron and Fez Shooow,
When Brian's father was a kid he had a crazy nun for a teacher...... She said that milk was a food, therefore they'd have to chew it..... At lunch the class would have to sit there chewing their milk or else......or else..... hmmm...... I guess they'd be in big trouble? She'd go berserk? Maybe they still were allowed to hit in those days?? I dunno... The story really didn't delve.... it was more of the, "Hey! What a nut!" variety........ Anyway, I bet this wacky nun was just super paranoid of people choking around her..... or.... maybe she was conducting some kind of secret experiment....the point of which I cannot fathom........Yeah, I think she was scared of chokings.....
Then...if you want to hear more about nuns.... one year, my little brother had this nun for a teacher and he used to call her, "Sister Harry Truman;" behind her nun back of course..... I thought that was funny cause she did look like President Harry Truman in a nun's habit...... I had to tell my brother though, "You know.... as priceless as I find these historical references of yours, you're gonna have to understand that maybe not everybody in the world knows what Harry Truman looks like..." Hated to burst his little bubble, but I didn't want him to grow up to be like a Dennis Miller... You understand..... After all, it's a small, small segment of the population that will double over in laughter after yet another hysterical reference to The Peloponnesian War.... Anyway, she was a mean, mean nun...... I think that, "Sister Harry Truman," would be a good name for a band..... but it's not as good a name as, "Thumbs Like Hot Dogs...." I'll admit that right now. As Ronnie said, "Who the fuck would not want to see them??"
I could not believe that Bob-Bob's non-winning-at-Madden ass was gonna try to act like he was losing cause of some kinda Fezzie jinx! "I think it was Fez betting that ruined me..." The man behind the glass didn't take any of that lip and yelled back, "I think it's, Thumbs like Hot dogs!!!"
Fezzie had been screaming, as Thumbs like Hot Dogs was losing, "We were fools to trust you.....FOOOLS!!" Ronnie just seemed disappointed, "Well I am naive! I believe in people...." It must have sucked to cough up that hundred dollars after Bob-Bob had assured that he could not be beaten.... and then was beaten.... by a man they call, "Chester's Liver." Good goin, Chester's Liver! Big winner.... Bob-Bob apologized... he said, "I feel like an asshole!" Ron comforted the shamed intern by shouting, "You ARE an asshole!"
Anyway, I have to say.... the giant check was a nice touch! I laughed....When I was a little kid I was kinda obsessed with the giant checks that that would be presented to lucky winners.....like by Publisher's Clearing House.... or on game shows... I think that perhaps many young rubes, like myself, thought that the huge check was real......I did believe for some time that one would have to take it to the bank......
Due to that belief I was always gravely worried for the big money winners..... havin to walk down the street, flaunting all that dough..... How could you be discreet with a check that big!? I would feel very apprehensive...."Somebody could just grab that!" I also considered that some gang of street toughs.... ne'er-do-wells...could be lurking and looming in an alley until the person came out of the bank with all that cash...for some reason they needed to cash it all?... Anyway I worried that guy would get jumped for sure......
I think all those musings were rooted in being a dopey kid..... and also...possibly.... in the fact that my mother really drilled it into my head to not be takin my money out on the street and waving it around....to the point that even to this day if I see somebody just opening their wallet and fishing around in there through copious amounts of bills..... I still get a nervous feeling for them like, "Oh God... what are you doing? That wallet's gonna get snatched right outta your hands!" It's fuggin crazy........ It would be a far stranger circumstance if I got all panicked like that and then...ironically... I was the one to steal that oh-so-easy-to-gank cash money from that flustered lady with her head in the clouds climbing outta that cab with all them twenties just a-peekin out the top of that burgundy leather wallet....... Yup that would be weird.....if....somebody..... wanted teach that dizzy dame a lesson about the mean streets....or something.....
Umm.... anyway, it also just occurred to me that I may have also been anxious for the big check winners due to my deeply ingrained belief that any time something good happens to you.... "Waaaatch out!" Something utterly heartbreaking is about to drop outta the other shoe.... Blog breakthrough.... blog breakthrough.... Anwhoo..... I have digressed a bit....... I was sposed to be talking about how everyone fears choking to death.
Another thing from when I was a kid..... My family used to go to many local Italian restaurants/pizzarias where amid pictures of the boot and The Colosseum, and The Leaning Tower of Pisa, would also hang a, "How to Save a Choking Victim," poster....where one faceless guy in a suit was doing The Heimlich Maneuver on another choking faceless guy in a suit....... I would stare at that forever, trying to memorize the steps....just in case...... I was scared to death to see someone start choking in front of me.......a fate which seemed inevitable as I noticed that these posters appeared to be in every restaurant....."This must happen all the time!" I'd fret..........
Actually, I haven't seem one of those posters in quite some time..... now that I think of it..... Maybe I don't see em so much anymore because I frequent finer establishments where patrons are not so gauche as to choke.... It's possible.....
Years and years later I was almost a choking victim myself.... A friend and I were goin out for the night, but before we could party we had to stop by her father's company picnic for some reason..... just completely awkward.... When we got there her father was all like, "Have something to eat!" In my mind I was like, "Yes, what I really want is some of your warm, festering mayonnaise-based gazebo food," but to be polite I took a piece of cantaloupe or two, as I determined that it was least likely to have turned to poison, being neglected in the Summer heat....... I should have listened to my inner voice that screamed, "No strange picnic foods!" cause when one of my friend's father's co-workers started to speak to me, attempting to not talk with my mouth full, I foolishly swallowed too big a piece..... and it got stuck....I don't know what the hell happened.... oh well.....under-ripe was one problem- I can tell you right there... Ohhh that asphixiatin' feelin'..... what an absolute fright!!
Instead of doin the international symbol for, "I am choking," I tried to walk inconspicuously away from the conversation...... My will to live was not as great as my will to not have embarrassing attention drawn upon me..?? "You are not gonna choke, bitch!!!" I commanded in a frenzy....trying desperately to cough out that cantaloupe, maybe punching myself in the stomach a little along the way.....as I walked towards the edge of the gathering.....My friend T., seemed to deduce what was goin on, cause much to my chagrin she screeched, "Oh my GOD! She's CHOKING!!!" All these people began to rush over....just in time to see me hurl cantaloupe into some park garbage can....... Euuugh..... Humiliating! Many times after that hideous incident I would find myself slightly troubled by my apparent lack of will towards self-preservation.......I should choke on my fear of shame and mortification? What a backwards ignoramus..... Don't be like me kids....
Side-note- Remember how I love Bill Murray right? Yeah... I still do...Heh, it would be odd if I just brought that up for no reason..... but I did bring it up for a reason.... so that's novel.... Anyway.... I realized that Bill Murray is constantly saving people from choking in films.... and constantly performing C.P.R........ Yeah. In What About Bob, he saves Dr. Leo Marvin from choking on an angrilly-swallowed piece of fried chicken.......In Groundhog Day he freed an under-chewed piece of steak from the throat of Buster Green, the Grand Marshall of Punxsutawney's festivities......In the same film he also did C.P.R on an ole man too....C.P.R in Scrooged.......C.P.R. in The Life Aquatic...Sure, I am an expert, but I'm probably leavin out examples....... The point is, Bill Murray's savin lives, yo...... Side-note ended.
Hey..so.. great idea havin Beth and Dino come in to teach you guys C.P.R. and how to save people from choking; very useful if it should happen that Fezzie chokes on water again.....or God fuhbid something scarier than that! It should be something that everyone must know....... compulsory... like joining the Israeli Army..... I thought that they did a really good job explaining what to do in these emergency situations.... Beth broke down the steps....so clearly that I could easily imagine each action in my head.... Oh! Also, I took notes in my lil notebook...sketches with little arrows pointing to, "under the breast bone," and stuff like that...... So thanks to those two I am feeling a little more prepared to rescue peoples' lives...... ya know......
Speaking again of the whole self-preservation thing.... After Beth had demonstrated the technique for performing C.P.R., Dave wanted to give what he'd learned a try on Fezzielou...... I still am not sure why Dave felt the need to take off his pants for this......
I'm also not sure that he had retained the knowledge of how to carry out the methods.... Through the radio speakers I could hear Fezzie's muffled cries of, "Help, now I can't breathe!" And that was supposed to be a run-through!
Afterward Ronnie asked Fez, having gone through all that, if he felt that he would fight to live if a real life or death situation arose.....Fezzie pointed out, "When the mask was over my face ....and Dave's face was coming toward me....I finally knew why some people choose to go toward the light...." Ronnie seemed to hear that point, adding, "Yeah.... Welcome sweet death!"
I also thought that it was a wise idea that you all agreed that practice drills of what you learned from Beth and Dino should be conducted from time to time.... to keep yez up to snuff with the life-saving...... I made a mental note to do the same.
I think that whenever I can, I'll practice too, using Bri as my subject....... I was thinking that I should exercise the training often.... In fact, I decided that these drills would be most effective if they took place using some kind of element of surprise...as dramatic situations are almost always likely to arise unexpectedly......So I was thinking ...like... maybe the perfect time to rehearse C.P.R would be any time that Brian falls asleep before I do...... That way it's all mad realistic like someone has lost consciousness....
I may not be certified to perform C.P.R., but I am fully licensed and accredited in enacting aggravation.... So, as it's like 4 AM.... No time like the present to practice my skills...... I'm either gonna run in and breathe in his mouth and pound on his chest while sporadically screaming, "I'm saving your life! Live dammit! LIVE!" and, "Mama save you!!! Hold on!!!" ....... or.......I'm gonna take a piss off some pool's diving-board like a life-sized stone cherub in a fountain......or...... I'm gonna sit in complete silence; "sit in the dark and smoke....wondering where my life went wrong." Either way...... I like to practice what I've learned from RnF everyday.
OK! See ya tomorrow...... Peace out homies....
Signed,
kathleen from the bronx :):):)
When Brian's father was a kid he had a crazy nun for a teacher...... She said that milk was a food, therefore they'd have to chew it..... At lunch the class would have to sit there chewing their milk or else......or else..... hmmm...... I guess they'd be in big trouble? She'd go berserk? Maybe they still were allowed to hit in those days?? I dunno... The story really didn't delve.... it was more of the, "Hey! What a nut!" variety........ Anyway, I bet this wacky nun was just super paranoid of people choking around her..... or.... maybe she was conducting some kind of secret experiment....the point of which I cannot fathom........Yeah, I think she was scared of chokings.....
Then...if you want to hear more about nuns.... one year, my little brother had this nun for a teacher and he used to call her, "Sister Harry Truman;" behind her nun back of course..... I thought that was funny cause she did look like President Harry Truman in a nun's habit...... I had to tell my brother though, "You know.... as priceless as I find these historical references of yours, you're gonna have to understand that maybe not everybody in the world knows what Harry Truman looks like..." Hated to burst his little bubble, but I didn't want him to grow up to be like a Dennis Miller... You understand..... After all, it's a small, small segment of the population that will double over in laughter after yet another hysterical reference to The Peloponnesian War.... Anyway, she was a mean, mean nun...... I think that, "Sister Harry Truman," would be a good name for a band..... but it's not as good a name as, "Thumbs Like Hot Dogs...." I'll admit that right now. As Ronnie said, "Who the fuck would not want to see them??"
I could not believe that Bob-Bob's non-winning-at-Madden ass was gonna try to act like he was losing cause of some kinda Fezzie jinx! "I think it was Fez betting that ruined me..." The man behind the glass didn't take any of that lip and yelled back, "I think it's, Thumbs like Hot dogs!!!"
Fezzie had been screaming, as Thumbs like Hot Dogs was losing, "We were fools to trust you.....FOOOLS!!" Ronnie just seemed disappointed, "Well I am naive! I believe in people...." It must have sucked to cough up that hundred dollars after Bob-Bob had assured that he could not be beaten.... and then was beaten.... by a man they call, "Chester's Liver." Good goin, Chester's Liver! Big winner.... Bob-Bob apologized... he said, "I feel like an asshole!" Ron comforted the shamed intern by shouting, "You ARE an asshole!"
Anyway, I have to say.... the giant check was a nice touch! I laughed....When I was a little kid I was kinda obsessed with the giant checks that that would be presented to lucky winners.....like by Publisher's Clearing House.... or on game shows... I think that perhaps many young rubes, like myself, thought that the huge check was real......I did believe for some time that one would have to take it to the bank......
Due to that belief I was always gravely worried for the big money winners..... havin to walk down the street, flaunting all that dough..... How could you be discreet with a check that big!? I would feel very apprehensive...."Somebody could just grab that!" I also considered that some gang of street toughs.... ne'er-do-wells...could be lurking and looming in an alley until the person came out of the bank with all that cash...for some reason they needed to cash it all?... Anyway I worried that guy would get jumped for sure......
I think all those musings were rooted in being a dopey kid..... and also...possibly.... in the fact that my mother really drilled it into my head to not be takin my money out on the street and waving it around....to the point that even to this day if I see somebody just opening their wallet and fishing around in there through copious amounts of bills..... I still get a nervous feeling for them like, "Oh God... what are you doing? That wallet's gonna get snatched right outta your hands!" It's fuggin crazy........ It would be a far stranger circumstance if I got all panicked like that and then...ironically... I was the one to steal that oh-so-easy-to-gank cash money from that flustered lady with her head in the clouds climbing outta that cab with all them twenties just a-peekin out the top of that burgundy leather wallet....... Yup that would be weird.....if....somebody..... wanted teach that dizzy dame a lesson about the mean streets....or something.....
Umm.... anyway, it also just occurred to me that I may have also been anxious for the big check winners due to my deeply ingrained belief that any time something good happens to you.... "Waaaatch out!" Something utterly heartbreaking is about to drop outta the other shoe.... Blog breakthrough.... blog breakthrough.... Anwhoo..... I have digressed a bit....... I was sposed to be talking about how everyone fears choking to death.
Another thing from when I was a kid..... My family used to go to many local Italian restaurants/pizzarias where amid pictures of the boot and The Colosseum, and The Leaning Tower of Pisa, would also hang a, "How to Save a Choking Victim," poster....where one faceless guy in a suit was doing The Heimlich Maneuver on another choking faceless guy in a suit....... I would stare at that forever, trying to memorize the steps....just in case...... I was scared to death to see someone start choking in front of me.......a fate which seemed inevitable as I noticed that these posters appeared to be in every restaurant....."This must happen all the time!" I'd fret..........
Actually, I haven't seem one of those posters in quite some time..... now that I think of it..... Maybe I don't see em so much anymore because I frequent finer establishments where patrons are not so gauche as to choke.... It's possible.....
Years and years later I was almost a choking victim myself.... A friend and I were goin out for the night, but before we could party we had to stop by her father's company picnic for some reason..... just completely awkward.... When we got there her father was all like, "Have something to eat!" In my mind I was like, "Yes, what I really want is some of your warm, festering mayonnaise-based gazebo food," but to be polite I took a piece of cantaloupe or two, as I determined that it was least likely to have turned to poison, being neglected in the Summer heat....... I should have listened to my inner voice that screamed, "No strange picnic foods!" cause when one of my friend's father's co-workers started to speak to me, attempting to not talk with my mouth full, I foolishly swallowed too big a piece..... and it got stuck....I don't know what the hell happened.... oh well.....under-ripe was one problem- I can tell you right there... Ohhh that asphixiatin' feelin'..... what an absolute fright!!
Instead of doin the international symbol for, "I am choking," I tried to walk inconspicuously away from the conversation...... My will to live was not as great as my will to not have embarrassing attention drawn upon me..?? "You are not gonna choke, bitch!!!" I commanded in a frenzy....trying desperately to cough out that cantaloupe, maybe punching myself in the stomach a little along the way.....as I walked towards the edge of the gathering.....My friend T., seemed to deduce what was goin on, cause much to my chagrin she screeched, "Oh my GOD! She's CHOKING!!!" All these people began to rush over....just in time to see me hurl cantaloupe into some park garbage can....... Euuugh..... Humiliating! Many times after that hideous incident I would find myself slightly troubled by my apparent lack of will towards self-preservation.......I should choke on my fear of shame and mortification? What a backwards ignoramus..... Don't be like me kids....
Side-note- Remember how I love Bill Murray right? Yeah... I still do...Heh, it would be odd if I just brought that up for no reason..... but I did bring it up for a reason.... so that's novel.... Anyway.... I realized that Bill Murray is constantly saving people from choking in films.... and constantly performing C.P.R........ Yeah. In What About Bob, he saves Dr. Leo Marvin from choking on an angrilly-swallowed piece of fried chicken.......In Groundhog Day he freed an under-chewed piece of steak from the throat of Buster Green, the Grand Marshall of Punxsutawney's festivities......In the same film he also did C.P.R on an ole man too....C.P.R in Scrooged.......C.P.R. in The Life Aquatic...Sure, I am an expert, but I'm probably leavin out examples....... The point is, Bill Murray's savin lives, yo...... Side-note ended.
Hey..so.. great idea havin Beth and Dino come in to teach you guys C.P.R. and how to save people from choking; very useful if it should happen that Fezzie chokes on water again.....or God fuhbid something scarier than that! It should be something that everyone must know....... compulsory... like joining the Israeli Army..... I thought that they did a really good job explaining what to do in these emergency situations.... Beth broke down the steps....so clearly that I could easily imagine each action in my head.... Oh! Also, I took notes in my lil notebook...sketches with little arrows pointing to, "under the breast bone," and stuff like that...... So thanks to those two I am feeling a little more prepared to rescue peoples' lives...... ya know......
Speaking again of the whole self-preservation thing.... After Beth had demonstrated the technique for performing C.P.R., Dave wanted to give what he'd learned a try on Fezzielou...... I still am not sure why Dave felt the need to take off his pants for this......
I'm also not sure that he had retained the knowledge of how to carry out the methods.... Through the radio speakers I could hear Fezzie's muffled cries of, "Help, now I can't breathe!" And that was supposed to be a run-through!
Afterward Ronnie asked Fez, having gone through all that, if he felt that he would fight to live if a real life or death situation arose.....Fezzie pointed out, "When the mask was over my face ....and Dave's face was coming toward me....I finally knew why some people choose to go toward the light...." Ronnie seemed to hear that point, adding, "Yeah.... Welcome sweet death!"
I also thought that it was a wise idea that you all agreed that practice drills of what you learned from Beth and Dino should be conducted from time to time.... to keep yez up to snuff with the life-saving...... I made a mental note to do the same.
I think that whenever I can, I'll practice too, using Bri as my subject....... I was thinking that I should exercise the training often.... In fact, I decided that these drills would be most effective if they took place using some kind of element of surprise...as dramatic situations are almost always likely to arise unexpectedly......So I was thinking ...like... maybe the perfect time to rehearse C.P.R would be any time that Brian falls asleep before I do...... That way it's all mad realistic like someone has lost consciousness....
I may not be certified to perform C.P.R., but I am fully licensed and accredited in enacting aggravation.... So, as it's like 4 AM.... No time like the present to practice my skills...... I'm either gonna run in and breathe in his mouth and pound on his chest while sporadically screaming, "I'm saving your life! Live dammit! LIVE!" and, "Mama save you!!! Hold on!!!" ....... or.......I'm gonna take a piss off some pool's diving-board like a life-sized stone cherub in a fountain......or...... I'm gonna sit in complete silence; "sit in the dark and smoke....wondering where my life went wrong." Either way...... I like to practice what I've learned from RnF everyday.
OK! See ya tomorrow...... Peace out homies....
Signed,
kathleen from the bronx :):):)