Kathleen From The Bronx
12-11-2007, 01:08 AM
Dear Ron and Fez Shooow,
Oh you guys! You know I love it when ole cliche sayings come true! That's the best.... and today you compared apples and oranges...That's comparing apples and oranges...... LITERALLY! I love to be able to add the emphatic, "LITERALLY," at the end! It's exciting.
Not only is the fulfillment of the adage a lil thrill, it also makes perfect sense to me. I have always felt like, as a human being, I have been forced to make a choice..... It's a belief that most likely is simply rooted in hearing that very aforementioned saying..... Though it is ridiculous to compare the two of em... as is the point of the saying... you find yourself then doing exactly just that! Which side am I on? Am I more apple or orange?
I am more apple than orange... There, I've said it. I don't normally feel very citrusy...oh you're right... I can be bitter... but apples, I say, apples!!! Plus, I have this thing against the color orange. That may have something to do wit it....
Ronnie and Earl chose the orange team while Dave chose apple, as did Fezzie..cause he had eaten an apple three years ago.
Look, I'm not saying that I don't like oranges! Sure, I love oranges..... Around Christmastime if there were clementines in the house I'd most likely hear some story about how when my grandfather was little, they were so poor that for Christmas he would only get a few of those lil oranges in his stocking and possibly a bean bag, if he was lucky. He got a bean bag and he loved it! Then he was playing with that precious bean bag and it went over a fence and down into an alley and he couldn't get it back.... His one Christmas present besides little oranges..... Thanks for the constantly uplifting stories..... Eeesh.... Now we have to feel quite sad for the poor street urchin 'ho lost 'is Christmas bean bag...... Anyway, I'll eat an orange....
One time when Brian and I were working for his moms' furniture company, she sent us up to to this flea market near West Virginia to sell surplus wicker rockers and baskets.... The older couple next to our space, who were selling horrible old knick-knacks, predominantly of the Aunt Jemima themed variety, kept offering us some of their pork rinds and oranges that they had brought with em to snack on.... We were like, "No thanks," a million times before finally accepting one of their damn oranges.... just so maybe the constant chit chat could end.... and so as not to be rude or something......
I'm telling you though, as we sat on the lift gate of the box truck, splitting that orange, the old redneck woman in her gravelly Marlboro-throated voice kept asking Brian, "Har, har.. what does that remind you of!!?! Haaaar, you're gonna be gettin you some of THAT later... haaar...??" while winking and gesturing lewdly......
I'm no prude over here, but it was a tad uncomfortable... Besides it being an insane scene.... what with dry, old lady tongue lappin wildly in the breeze while we awkwardly choked down a segment or two.......in the history of life I have not heard of rampant sexual innuendo being insinuated of eating oranges. I think it's a bit of a stretch..... Oh, but what the hell do I know? I am naive and innocent and am not always wise to the ways of the world..... I'm pretty sure that couple were just fuckin odd and enjoyed watching people eat oranges for kicks... the pervy ole freaks!
Well, it was a good orange... that was true.... Like I said, oranges are fine by me but if I had to make a Sophie's Choice of the fruit world, I'd save the apple. I have already stated that I enjoy an old proverb, so the whole, "apple a day keeps the doctor away," speaks to me.... and I am certain that the one daily, precious Granny Smith is counteracting all the badness that I inflict on this hobblin sack of suffering organs....
I do understand what Ron was sayin though about the triflin state of typical grocery store apples though....... all red and waxy. I don't go for the Red Delicious variety.... They are red alright.... but not so delicious. They are mealy. I can't stand a mealy apple! I am a lil fan of these organic Honeycrisp apples.... The are not as sweet as their name might suggest, but they are juicy my friends! Juicy! A bit tart! Oooh but who am I kiddin? I am more vegetable than fruit, really. Go ahead, make your brain-dead jokes if you must....
That's another one of the pointless stances that I have chosen to take.... I'm not sure why.... It seems, again, like a side must be selected. It might be rooted in one of those childhood circumstances where you are labeled early on... You know what I mean right? The roles you are assigned....
"This is the smart one, this is the athletic one, this is the one who has to undergo extreme psychiatric care because she exhibits psychotic tendencies"....... It might be a deeply ingrained thing that I was designated the characterization as, "the one who always ate all her vegetables, even as a baby! The others, they would eat their fruit... ohh but she always liked her vegetables."
Peculiar.
Well, I'll tell ya another thing....... when it comes to the fabricated battle of fruits versus vegetables I have to add that one strike against fruit, for me, is that I am not the biggest fan of cooked fruit.... and I'm not even finicky as a rule! It's just not generally my favorite..... Some rare exceptions exist..... cooked pineapple... OK...... perhaps a poached pear, or a peach.... but ordinarily I vote, "Nay!" Maybe you are wondering, "Well you like apples so damned much, what about cooked apples? What about apple pie?" What about apple pie? No thanks is what I say.... Call me Un-American.... I don't like apple pie...... It's one reason I am more cake than pie.... Oh, I could go on and on all day with these gastronomical positions that I hold....
Speaking of, "American as apple pie".... I thought it was sadly true how Ronnie said that he believed our society is in a sick, twisted place now.... that we are a society fixated on violence.... and a symptom of this can be seen in the constant news coverage dedicated to the stories of serial killers and mass murders....... Evidence can be seen on the news where there is a frenzy of attention focused on every aspect of the recent shootings in Colorado and the mall shootings in Omaha..... These are tragedies and we are going to hear ever tiny detail about the killer, which in some cases is exactly what they wanted- to be famous. You guys were saying it creates this culture that is infatuated with anti-heroes..... I just think that was a great point.....
Dave was definitely agreeing with that assessment.... He said that he's always been fascinated by these deranged people...what makes them snap.... Conversation drifted to talk of the possibility of Dave being a killer one day; snapping...... Ron pointed out that he wouldn't be worried.... "The only way you could shoot Earl would be if you tried NOT to...." and added, "You could come in here with a machine gun and I wouldn't even put out my cigar!" We also learned today that Earl seems to have all the traits of a killer. Don't do it, Earl.
I thought that it was a really interesting radio-experiment, radio-experiment, when Ron asked Fezzie to name as many infamous killers as he could in 60 seconds..... then afterward asked him to do the same, but this time, American painters.... Fezzie named 15 killers, 3 painters....... I named 7 killers and 18 painters... Ya know I like to play along...
Ron suggested that Fezzie's results might represent the general way of many Americans who focus attention on brutality instead of beauty..... That made me feel stupidly proud of my results.... "Yes, I appreciate beauty!" I congratulated myself obnoxiously......... I began to wonder if it was one of those things...... I just see the world differently....... more apple than orange, more vegetable than fruit, more loveliness than cruelty...........
It also could be one of those things that I am too chicken to watch programs about serial killers cause then I imagine madmen lurking in the woods and I begin to suspect quiet neighbors with seemingly exorbitant amounts of large trash bags being carried out in the night and who seem to constantly be cooking things that smell like feet, of being suburban serial killers..........and then....there's also the fact that I just happen to have taken a lot of Art History in college, one class being called, "20th Century American Painters..."
I really do prefer to ruminate about the way certain paintings make me feel..... and how I love to go to the museum on a snowy day.....rather than thinking about photos of serial killers with evil vibes somehow reflected in their cold, empty, photo eyes.... Anytime I think of serial killers, thoughts often wander aimlessly back to the age-old question of whether or not my pops is full of shit when he claims that he once rode in Son of Sam's cab....
Ahhh anyway..... I'm goin on and on here..... Oh! Lemme just bring up one more thing before I go..... Today when talking with Fezzie about this study recently done about cats, Ron made the statement, "If you have a cat, you are inviting parasites into your brain."
Well Ron and Fez Show, you've given me yet another reason I shan't own a cat! It's number 831 to be exact. Other reasons include, "sucks the breath out of babies," and, "don't forget the way that evil spirit, 'Azazel,' flew into that cat in the movie, Fallen (speakin of serial killers! Eeesh!), " and the fact that, "cats can understand you, they can read your mind... ."
Once on the inside of an album, David Byrne, of Talking Heads fame, told me this:
"I dreamt that the cats, my daughter's cats, can actually understand everything I say. And have for many years. Therefore, they know that I've been saying they're retarded, or stupid, or crazy. They also know what I sometimes THINK of them. They go on as if they don't, but they do. This secret knowledge eats away at them and makes them even crazier than they were to begin with. The effort they maintain to keep up the pretense of geniality and routine is sometimes too much for them, which is why they sometimes lash out at me or at others, for no apparent reason."
....and there ain't an arty, kooky idea that this strange man could tell me that I wouldn't be willing to subscribe to............even that whole thing about the importance of fashioning khaki pants for end tables and naming them, "Tio Guillermo," en ingles, "Uncle William."
Besides, for one thing, his explanation would certainly explain why allegedly, Skippy decides to, claw the hell outta Fezzielou, unprovoked.... She's knows what you're thinking Fez Whatley!
Side note: I hope that David Byrne is not an actual Psycho Killer (waka waka) like so many have suggested to me.......... I say, "NO! That far away look in his eyes is wild creativity, you fools!" Seriously, I hope he's not..... I really love him.
So, in addition to all the smorgasbord of troubling cat information out there, I'll add, "the possibility of contracting brain parasites." Scat, cat... I got enough problems..
Anyway, I'll finally let you go! Hey, I just wanted to tell you, I lovelovelove you The Ron and Fez Show...... Don't let that make you uncomfortable....
Signed,
kathleen from the Bronx :):):)
Oh you guys! You know I love it when ole cliche sayings come true! That's the best.... and today you compared apples and oranges...That's comparing apples and oranges...... LITERALLY! I love to be able to add the emphatic, "LITERALLY," at the end! It's exciting.
Not only is the fulfillment of the adage a lil thrill, it also makes perfect sense to me. I have always felt like, as a human being, I have been forced to make a choice..... It's a belief that most likely is simply rooted in hearing that very aforementioned saying..... Though it is ridiculous to compare the two of em... as is the point of the saying... you find yourself then doing exactly just that! Which side am I on? Am I more apple or orange?
I am more apple than orange... There, I've said it. I don't normally feel very citrusy...oh you're right... I can be bitter... but apples, I say, apples!!! Plus, I have this thing against the color orange. That may have something to do wit it....
Ronnie and Earl chose the orange team while Dave chose apple, as did Fezzie..cause he had eaten an apple three years ago.
Look, I'm not saying that I don't like oranges! Sure, I love oranges..... Around Christmastime if there were clementines in the house I'd most likely hear some story about how when my grandfather was little, they were so poor that for Christmas he would only get a few of those lil oranges in his stocking and possibly a bean bag, if he was lucky. He got a bean bag and he loved it! Then he was playing with that precious bean bag and it went over a fence and down into an alley and he couldn't get it back.... His one Christmas present besides little oranges..... Thanks for the constantly uplifting stories..... Eeesh.... Now we have to feel quite sad for the poor street urchin 'ho lost 'is Christmas bean bag...... Anyway, I'll eat an orange....
One time when Brian and I were working for his moms' furniture company, she sent us up to to this flea market near West Virginia to sell surplus wicker rockers and baskets.... The older couple next to our space, who were selling horrible old knick-knacks, predominantly of the Aunt Jemima themed variety, kept offering us some of their pork rinds and oranges that they had brought with em to snack on.... We were like, "No thanks," a million times before finally accepting one of their damn oranges.... just so maybe the constant chit chat could end.... and so as not to be rude or something......
I'm telling you though, as we sat on the lift gate of the box truck, splitting that orange, the old redneck woman in her gravelly Marlboro-throated voice kept asking Brian, "Har, har.. what does that remind you of!!?! Haaaar, you're gonna be gettin you some of THAT later... haaar...??" while winking and gesturing lewdly......
I'm no prude over here, but it was a tad uncomfortable... Besides it being an insane scene.... what with dry, old lady tongue lappin wildly in the breeze while we awkwardly choked down a segment or two.......in the history of life I have not heard of rampant sexual innuendo being insinuated of eating oranges. I think it's a bit of a stretch..... Oh, but what the hell do I know? I am naive and innocent and am not always wise to the ways of the world..... I'm pretty sure that couple were just fuckin odd and enjoyed watching people eat oranges for kicks... the pervy ole freaks!
Well, it was a good orange... that was true.... Like I said, oranges are fine by me but if I had to make a Sophie's Choice of the fruit world, I'd save the apple. I have already stated that I enjoy an old proverb, so the whole, "apple a day keeps the doctor away," speaks to me.... and I am certain that the one daily, precious Granny Smith is counteracting all the badness that I inflict on this hobblin sack of suffering organs....
I do understand what Ron was sayin though about the triflin state of typical grocery store apples though....... all red and waxy. I don't go for the Red Delicious variety.... They are red alright.... but not so delicious. They are mealy. I can't stand a mealy apple! I am a lil fan of these organic Honeycrisp apples.... The are not as sweet as their name might suggest, but they are juicy my friends! Juicy! A bit tart! Oooh but who am I kiddin? I am more vegetable than fruit, really. Go ahead, make your brain-dead jokes if you must....
That's another one of the pointless stances that I have chosen to take.... I'm not sure why.... It seems, again, like a side must be selected. It might be rooted in one of those childhood circumstances where you are labeled early on... You know what I mean right? The roles you are assigned....
"This is the smart one, this is the athletic one, this is the one who has to undergo extreme psychiatric care because she exhibits psychotic tendencies"....... It might be a deeply ingrained thing that I was designated the characterization as, "the one who always ate all her vegetables, even as a baby! The others, they would eat their fruit... ohh but she always liked her vegetables."
Peculiar.
Well, I'll tell ya another thing....... when it comes to the fabricated battle of fruits versus vegetables I have to add that one strike against fruit, for me, is that I am not the biggest fan of cooked fruit.... and I'm not even finicky as a rule! It's just not generally my favorite..... Some rare exceptions exist..... cooked pineapple... OK...... perhaps a poached pear, or a peach.... but ordinarily I vote, "Nay!" Maybe you are wondering, "Well you like apples so damned much, what about cooked apples? What about apple pie?" What about apple pie? No thanks is what I say.... Call me Un-American.... I don't like apple pie...... It's one reason I am more cake than pie.... Oh, I could go on and on all day with these gastronomical positions that I hold....
Speaking of, "American as apple pie".... I thought it was sadly true how Ronnie said that he believed our society is in a sick, twisted place now.... that we are a society fixated on violence.... and a symptom of this can be seen in the constant news coverage dedicated to the stories of serial killers and mass murders....... Evidence can be seen on the news where there is a frenzy of attention focused on every aspect of the recent shootings in Colorado and the mall shootings in Omaha..... These are tragedies and we are going to hear ever tiny detail about the killer, which in some cases is exactly what they wanted- to be famous. You guys were saying it creates this culture that is infatuated with anti-heroes..... I just think that was a great point.....
Dave was definitely agreeing with that assessment.... He said that he's always been fascinated by these deranged people...what makes them snap.... Conversation drifted to talk of the possibility of Dave being a killer one day; snapping...... Ron pointed out that he wouldn't be worried.... "The only way you could shoot Earl would be if you tried NOT to...." and added, "You could come in here with a machine gun and I wouldn't even put out my cigar!" We also learned today that Earl seems to have all the traits of a killer. Don't do it, Earl.
I thought that it was a really interesting radio-experiment, radio-experiment, when Ron asked Fezzie to name as many infamous killers as he could in 60 seconds..... then afterward asked him to do the same, but this time, American painters.... Fezzie named 15 killers, 3 painters....... I named 7 killers and 18 painters... Ya know I like to play along...
Ron suggested that Fezzie's results might represent the general way of many Americans who focus attention on brutality instead of beauty..... That made me feel stupidly proud of my results.... "Yes, I appreciate beauty!" I congratulated myself obnoxiously......... I began to wonder if it was one of those things...... I just see the world differently....... more apple than orange, more vegetable than fruit, more loveliness than cruelty...........
It also could be one of those things that I am too chicken to watch programs about serial killers cause then I imagine madmen lurking in the woods and I begin to suspect quiet neighbors with seemingly exorbitant amounts of large trash bags being carried out in the night and who seem to constantly be cooking things that smell like feet, of being suburban serial killers..........and then....there's also the fact that I just happen to have taken a lot of Art History in college, one class being called, "20th Century American Painters..."
I really do prefer to ruminate about the way certain paintings make me feel..... and how I love to go to the museum on a snowy day.....rather than thinking about photos of serial killers with evil vibes somehow reflected in their cold, empty, photo eyes.... Anytime I think of serial killers, thoughts often wander aimlessly back to the age-old question of whether or not my pops is full of shit when he claims that he once rode in Son of Sam's cab....
Ahhh anyway..... I'm goin on and on here..... Oh! Lemme just bring up one more thing before I go..... Today when talking with Fezzie about this study recently done about cats, Ron made the statement, "If you have a cat, you are inviting parasites into your brain."
Well Ron and Fez Show, you've given me yet another reason I shan't own a cat! It's number 831 to be exact. Other reasons include, "sucks the breath out of babies," and, "don't forget the way that evil spirit, 'Azazel,' flew into that cat in the movie, Fallen (speakin of serial killers! Eeesh!), " and the fact that, "cats can understand you, they can read your mind... ."
Once on the inside of an album, David Byrne, of Talking Heads fame, told me this:
"I dreamt that the cats, my daughter's cats, can actually understand everything I say. And have for many years. Therefore, they know that I've been saying they're retarded, or stupid, or crazy. They also know what I sometimes THINK of them. They go on as if they don't, but they do. This secret knowledge eats away at them and makes them even crazier than they were to begin with. The effort they maintain to keep up the pretense of geniality and routine is sometimes too much for them, which is why they sometimes lash out at me or at others, for no apparent reason."
....and there ain't an arty, kooky idea that this strange man could tell me that I wouldn't be willing to subscribe to............even that whole thing about the importance of fashioning khaki pants for end tables and naming them, "Tio Guillermo," en ingles, "Uncle William."
Besides, for one thing, his explanation would certainly explain why allegedly, Skippy decides to, claw the hell outta Fezzielou, unprovoked.... She's knows what you're thinking Fez Whatley!
Side note: I hope that David Byrne is not an actual Psycho Killer (waka waka) like so many have suggested to me.......... I say, "NO! That far away look in his eyes is wild creativity, you fools!" Seriously, I hope he's not..... I really love him.
So, in addition to all the smorgasbord of troubling cat information out there, I'll add, "the possibility of contracting brain parasites." Scat, cat... I got enough problems..
Anyway, I'll finally let you go! Hey, I just wanted to tell you, I lovelovelove you The Ron and Fez Show...... Don't let that make you uncomfortable....
Signed,
kathleen from the Bronx :):):)