Do I Matter??

[DiabloSammich]

As a parent, I constantly aware of my relationship with my kid. I have become increasingly convinced that what I say and teach on a constant basis matters less than putting him in a position to develop socially and intellectually.


Long story short, it matters more who his friends are than what I preach.



Think about it, did you give a shit more about making your parents happy or impressing your friends?


When you were first exposed to drugs/alcohol/stealing/random vice, did you worry about what your parents would say or looking cool in front of your buddies?

[MellySmelly]

I really didn't fall for that peer pressure crap. My parents taught me to think for myself and not to follow the crowd. I could have easily gotten away with a lot of stuff when I was a teen, but I chose to do what was best for me. I didn't party until I was 21 and to this day have never driven drunk or gotten into drugs. None of my siblings have ever had any problems either.

I think what you say to your children sticks in their mind, even when they are telling you to shutup and leave them alone. My kids are 19 and 17 and I have never had any problems with either one of them other than their smart ass mouths. I talk to them a LOT! They know that they can tell me anything and I won't judge them.

[thejives]

I think you do matter.
I don't have any kids myself, but I like to think that my parents' example and confidence in my judgement inspired me not to fuck my life up completely.

Don't forget how insane growing up is. Just have faith that your kid will live the way you taught them, and if they slip up, make sure they know they can come to you for help and guidance.

Yeah.

And take care of yourself and each other.

[ToddEVF]

long answer short. . .

Children will always see impressing their friends more important

[Hottub]

Moving to "That's Life"

For good reason.

[DiabloSammich]

See, I think Todd hit a very important point. I will never underplay the overall importance of teaching right from wrong, the value of love, respect for others and yourself, etc., but I think the whole thing can hit the shitter if he unluckily winds up in the wrong school, around the wrong group of kids.

I know that sounds old-lady paranoid, but I use personal experience. My parents were idiots, I was heading down some bad paths, and my mom moved me to Texas. New location, new people, transformed my life for the better. Not because she taught me anything, but because she put me in the right situation.


edit: Thanks, Tub, wasn't sure where to put this

[ToddEVF]

See, I think Todd hit a very important point.

I made sense? holy shit, thats a first.

But seriously, i'm a young fella so it may be a little more relateable to me.

Unless you home school a child and keep them away from the "evils" outside, the child will almost always want to rebel against their parents to impress their friends. They will also probably do other things just to look cool.

I hate some of the stuff I did, but it made me who i am today.

[Hottub]

Just teach them good values. What is right and what is wrong. Get them involved in healhty activities. My boys play Baseball, soccer, swim team, and are in Boy Scouts.

Also, despite what you may or may not believe, send them to Sunday School. Give them a solid moral code to live by. (The Beatitudes) They can free-think in college.

Being Mr Mom at night has taught me a few things about raising the kids. Homework done, a little reading while I make dinner, shower, then Wii while I fuck around on the board.

And always give them a hug and a kiss at bedtime. Tell your kids you love them. When they love you back, that's half the battle.

[Gvac]

I think every teenager goes through a rebellious stage regardless of what values you've instilled in them. When they mature a little, however, they'll remember everything you taught them.

I guess what I'm saying is that in the short term your efforts may seem futile, but in the long run it'll pay off in spades.

[eeroomnhoj]

Just teach them good values. What is right and what is wrong. Get them involved in healhty activities. My boys play Baseball, soccer, swim team, and are in Boy Scouts.

Also, despite what you may or may not believe, send them to Sunday School. Give them a solid moral code to live by. (The Beatitudes) They can free-think in college.

Being Mr Mom at night has taught me a few things about raising the kids. Homework done, a little reading while I make dinner, shower, then Wii while I fuck around on the board.

And always give them a hug and a kiss at bedtime. Tell your kids you love them. When they love you back, that's half the battle.

Do not forget the most important part of all of this. Your kids will learn from your example far more from any Sunday School. I'm not putting down Sunday School, but if Sunday School and Church is important (and I would argue it is), then you should go yourself. Your child will learn to follow that example more than if you send him/her to Sunday School on a weekly basis. Practice what you preach.

Just another parent fumbling through and making lots of mistakes.... hopefully none too major.

[PapaBear]

Just keep this in mind....

When you think you are doing everything wrong, some great people will tell you you're doing a good job.
When you convince yourself that you're doing a good job, you'll find out that you're fucking it all up.

When you finally figure out how to get it all right... Please tell me your secret.:wallbash:

[Jujubees2]

Do not forget the most important part of all of this. Your kids will learn from your example far more from any Sunday School. I'm not putting down Sunday School, but if Sunday School and Church is important (and I would argue it is), then you should go yourself. Your child will learn to follow that example more than if you send him/her to Sunday School on a weekly basis. Practice what you preach.

Just another parent fumbling through and making lots of mistakes.... hopefully none too major.

Amen, I agree that actions speak louder than words to your kids. There's nothing worse than preaching to your kid to do one thing and then you turning around and doing the opposite (of course, my father would always say "Don't do as i do, do as I say.")

And Hottub is right too. Don't forget to tell them you love them as much as possible.

[Mike Teacher]

How much do parents really matter?

What factors really influence a kid, in the home, in school, with friends....

What things that a parent does actually a strong influence in a kids future, and which seem to have little if any effect at all?

=

Has there ever been something writeen about more then this? 'What to expect when you're expecting' has been on the NYTimes best seller list for a few Hundred Weeks.

To say there are parenting books out there is like saying you can buy some things at Wal-Mart. The shelves groan with How To parenting books with so much info they end up contradicting each other. Each expert is sure of him/herself, and each contradicts the conventional wisdom, so who the hell is right?

=

To attempt to make parenting into an actul science, to look at testable data; this is the wet dream of the scienctist; and it is happening, in some areas. I ca not stress the book 'Freakonomics' by Steve Levitt. he asks the Qs above; and tries to answer them using real data, not conjecture and opinion.

The last two chapters of the book deal with exactly this; what factors really influence a kid? The first chapter deals with a bunch of factors that there is very good data on dealing with parents and kids eventual outcome; the second, is one of the funniest chapters of any book I have read in years, 'A Roshanda by any other Name' and deals with the simplest of Qs: Does the name you give your kid have anything to do with his/her future success?

=

Oops. Hope I didnt derail. Teachers love this stuff. At least I do.

FREAKONOMICS IS A MUST READ CLICK HERE (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Freakonomics)

=

Oh, someone said above impressing friends was always more important? For me, to a point. I was often the kid who looked at the others doing something pretty fucked up, and saying 'Umm, are you out of your mind?'. And I wasnt just thinking about what my parents would think, it was, for me, simple logic. I really didn't give a fuck what others think. Still dont.

Easy to say. Hard in practice, sometimes.

Fuck me can I be more scattered? Cabin fever is setting in. Winter blows.

[topless_mike]

what your parents teach you does stick in your mind.
shit, when i was in college, my parents were beating me up over it. i wanted to go and hang out instead. 6 years after graduating, i am kicking myself in the ass for not taking it more seriously. :wallbash::wallbash:

with my son, i will try to teach what i learned growing up. that sometimes, the results of what you say/do now you wont see till years down the road.

face it: every kid grows up to be like one of their parents. its engrained (or ingrained) into our heads. we learn so much just from observation, and we dont even know it.

to answer you question: yes, you do matter. just keep doing what you are doing.
one day, just like a light bulb, it will turn on and they will get it.

i do think environment plays a huge role, but doesnt have to dictate the path.

[DiabloSammich]

How much do parents really matter?

What factors really influence a kid, in the home, in school, with friends....

What things that a parent does actually a strong influence in a kids future, and which seem to have little if any effect at all?

=

Has there ever been something writeen about more then this? 'What to expect when you're expecting' has been on the NYTimes best seller list for a few Hundred Weeks.

To say there are parenting books out there is like saying you can buy some things at Wal-Mart. The shelves groan with How To parenting books with so much info they end up contradicting each other. Each expert is sure of him/herself, and each contradicts the conventional wisdom, so who the hell is right?

=

To attempt to make parenting into an actul science, to look at testable data; this is the wet dream of the scienctist; and it is happening, in some areas. I ca not stress the book 'Freakonomics' by Steve Levitt. he asks the Qs above; and tries to answer them using real data, not conjecture and opinion.

The last two chapters of the book deal with exactly this; what factors really influence a kid? The first chapter deals with a bunch of factors that there is very good data on dealing with parents and kids eventual outcome; the second, is one of the funniest chapters of any book I have read in years, 'A Roshanda by any other Name' and deals with the simplest of Qs: Does the name you give your kid have anything to do with his/her future success?

=

Oops. Hope I didnt derail. Teachers love this stuff. At least I do.

FREAKONOMICS IS A MUST READ CLICK HERE (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Freakonomics)

=

Oh, someone said above impressing friends was always more important? For me, to a point. I was often the kid who looked at the others doing something pretty fucked up, and saying 'Umm, are you out of your mind?'. And I wasnt just thinking about what my parents would think, it was, for me, simple logic. I really didn't give a fuck what others think. Still dont.

Easy to say. Hard in practice, sometimes.

Fuck me can I be more scattered? Cabin fever is setting in. Winter blows.



Thank you Mike. I have devoured Freakonomics, it is a fascinating read, and was indeed the source for this thread. I love taking his theories and bringing them to roundtable discussions, because although I won't argue with numbers, I still like to hear personal takes. His take on whether or not parents "matter" has made me tumble it around in my brain ever since I read it.

Also, I second your nomination for 'A Roshanda by any other Name' being the funniest written word in a while. And without really even trying to be funny.

[Recyclerz]

The ones who love us best are the ones we'll lay to rest
And visit their graves on holidays at best
The ones who love us least are the ones we'll die to please
If it's any consolation, I don't begin to understand them

[Furtherman]

Think about it, did you give a shit more about making your parents happy or impressing your friends?

I'll answer you once I'm back from jumping off the Brooklyn bridge.

[Gritty]

Of course you matter!

You're one of the two most important people in your child's life. They may not realize it yet (and yes, some of them never get it) but that doesn't make it any less true.

A kid's job is to push the envelope and see what they can get away with; yours is to keep them in line and alive long enough for them to be in a position to have kids of their own. You're in for the long haul, my friend and every day is a new opportunity for them to fail or succeed. You give them the tools to do either. The rest is up to them.

Take it as a good sign that you're concerned enough to doubt yourself. It's the loons like the good Rev. Roper, who are so convinced that they're right that they can never consider another point of view, that raise bad kids.

IMHO.

[keithy_19]

I never felt the need to go out and do drugs and stuff. As I've gotten older and more on my own I've been more into that scene. But still not a lot.

[WampusCrandle]

i have to say that even though my parents told me not to do drugs and alcohol, they were lenient with me on it, so, when i actually did have a problem with alcohol, i talked to them, and it made it easier for me to come to them later on. also, its a right of passage, in my opinion, for kids to not like their parents in high school, to try to find that they arent their parents (which i did, and found that i am exactly like them). anyway, i really hope that you dont find yourself too frustrated with trying to connect with your son, though i am sure you have a good relationship with him, and you are a good dad.


also, if he has the humor that you do, look out ladies . . .

[Friday]

I am spinning this one in a new direction... just to vent something that just happened.

My dad and stepmom live in Las Vegas, as does my step-sister, her husband and their 8 month old boy. I have always been close with my dad and have a very good relationship with my stepmom and sister, and I dote on my nephew... Auntie Tracey is always up for nanny duties when I am visiting.

I have had a pretty strange couple of months, with my personal life and professional life... so a lot has been happening here. But I still talk to my family two or three times a week or so, depending.

I just came home to an email of pictures taken at my nephews christening.
Noone ever told me he was being christened. Not that I expected an invitation to such a small event, but noone ever mentioned it to me at all.

I know I shouldn't take it personally, but I do. And I will get over it... it's done now.
But it hurt. And it kind of made me question my own significance.

sorry for the novella... :unsure:

[DiabloSammich]

Here's a different point of view, keeping in mind I don't know you're family.

I am not overly religious. I very rarely go to church, but when my wife wanted to have my son baptised, I agreed, not so much because I wanted it but because it was important to her.

That being said, leading up to the baptism, I would never remember to mention it to anyone. We only invited our parents, and even as late as last month I had a family member asking me if we had him baptised, and they were shocked we never said anything to him. It had nothing to do with us not viewing him as an important member of the family, it had more to do with us not placing a huge importance on the event.

Again, don't know if it has any bearing on your situation or not, just my experience.

[DiabloSammich]

And don't EVER think twice to bump one of my threads.